PaulKatcher.com

What Is Happening to My Former Fantasy Women?!?!

Any day now, I expect to come across a picture of Stacy Keibler on the set of Celebrity Fit Club. It's getting that bad for some of the women I've fantasized about over the years.

We all know about Britney Spears and her physical downfall, which is so clearly a product of drug addiction and mental instability. But hey, yuk it up, people!

But here's one I didn't know till this week: Jenna Jameson resembles a RealDoll, which is quite ironic. I don't know what to credit for this tragedy, but I think we can cross off "natural aging." Jenna is only 32.

Today's Web Finds:

• Sword-Wielding Virgin Mistakes Porn Sounds for Rape — You probably know this story about the guy who busted into his neighbor's apartment because he thought the porn-video sounds he heard were cries of rape. Nope, just loneliness.

• YouTube: Chris Russo Goes Nuts on NFL Turning Blind Eye to Thugs — The Mad Dog becomes furious over the NFL's gutlessness when it comes to reprimanding its players for thugging it up. (Thanks, Tom)

• Vegas Workers Steamed Over NBA All-Star Weekend — No tips, no courtesy, no feeling of safety — the same sentiments I heard from everyone who told me about their experiences. Said one pit boss: "An NBA team coming here? Not if anyone who lives here has anything to do with it." I don't think it's an NBA problem, per se. It's an inconsiderate, obnoxious lifestyle that extends from the rich to the poor, for those who wanna bring the hip-hip video to the streets. And you couldn't pay me to attend the All-Star Game in New Orleans next year. (Link found on Deadspin)

• NYC Cabbie Returns Diamond Rings to Tightfisted Tipper — A native of Bangladesh returned 31 diamonds left is his cab. Now that's a man who can sleep at night.

• Amazon: Nacho Libre Costume — In case you want to dress up like the title character from a horribly disappointing movie.

• Office Space Kit — Includes Milton's red stapler, starter flair, an Initech mug and more. Perfect for a Secret Santa office-party gift ... which I guess you really don't care about in February.

• Crossover: The Worst Movie Ever — No Oscars for the film that holds the No. 1 spot on IMDB's Bottom 100 list.

• Wikipedia: In Finnish, 'Third Eye' means 'Asshole,' Although it Is Not Necessarily Offensive — Or so says the entry on the band Third Eye Blind.

• YouTube: Poker Star Tony G. Earns Rep of Being a Douche at the Table — Ralph Perry calls all-in re-re-raise pre-flop with K-J and gets lectured on card discipline from a guy who can't keep himself out of a donut shop for more than three hours.

• Top 10 Proposition Bets — Some of the bizarre (and high-stakes) wagers poker players have made away from the tables.

• YouTube: Carry Me Home on Guitar Hero II — It's the only song (up till that batch) that I can't beat on Hard level. And this dude shreds it. It's altogether awesome and pathetic.

If You Take This Guy's Business You Don't Get Mine

Last August, in an interview with BallerStatus.net, rapper 40 Glocc confirmed that while he's still a gang member with the Crips, he's "growing from that and maturing as a person."

Last weekend, while in Las Vegas for the NBA All-Star Game festivities, he was involved in a brawl in the MGM Grand's casino, about which he said, "Niggas wanted a problem, so we mashed them out ... I don't wear rags for videos and fashion. Gangbangin' is not a fashion!"

He's a father of two, including a 9-year-old he claims has his own MySpace page and is among his Top 8 friends.

Sounds like a great guy. But I don't want to be near him. Or his pals.

Or people who look like him.

Just like with Hell's Angels and skinheads, it's time to judge the books by the covers ... chosen dress that associates themselves with a culture in which the violence is too frequent, the disrespect too rampant, the barbarism too familiar.

For years, gangsta rappers have defended their work by saying that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis never took 1/10th of the shit for portraying killers in movies. Their lives off the set, however, don't betray the nature of their characters. Hip-hoppers and their minions, meanwhile, live out their art that is defined by confrontation, by violence, by seeing whose dick is biggest, whose bankroll is largest, whose bling shines brightest.

This goes beyond being rebellious. Hippies were rebellious. Rock stars are rebellious. But if you hear about a stabbing in a movie theater, a shooting at a club, a fracas in the crowd at a high school basketball game, you don't expect to see a tree hugger or Bono involved. Sadly, you know exactly what type of people get mixed up in this shit — the same crass crews who are impolite on public transportation, spew offensive language, are unfamiliar with the words "please" and "thank you" and wake up every day just "tryin' to get mine."

Jason Whitlock penned a couple of columns (one | two) on the thugs that ran around Vegas last weekend, before answering apparent criticism with a follow-up piece in which he assimilates "gangsta rappers, gangbangers and posse members" with being a "Black Ku Klux Klan."

Whitlock writes, "Just like the White KKK of the 1940s and '50s, we fear them, keep our eyes lowered, shut our mouths and pray they don't bother us."

Traveling in packs, carrying guns and knives (and using them) with a higher frequency than any segment of the population, the risk is getting too great to be around anyone who even looks like he may be packing. And if that punishes the innocent, so be it. It's easy to buy a new set of clothes that doesn't associate with a despicable lifestyle.

However businesses choose to deal with this element, whether it be dress codes — in effect, a license to say "we don't want your kind here" — or what have you, it's time to get serious. There should be no shame in denying gang members entry onto private property, and these posses are simply mini-gangs against everyday society, disciples of a culture defined by disrespect.

My Favorite Sports Illustrated Swimsuit: The iPod

I haven't done any Web Finds in quite some time, and if I hang onto these bookmarks any longer, I'm gonna have to charge 'em rent.

But we start with something new:

• 2007 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue — Do they even bother producing the print version anymore? SI is getting pretty good at delivering this type of spank material fashion content online, understanding that the digital product should not be the same stuff as in the mag. For example, there are 47 new pictures of Marisa Miller, including the shot above. Hers is the only gallery I looked at, but I'm predicting that's the picture in this year's edition that gets whacked-off to more than any other, nationwide. (Of course, you're welcome to submit suggested competitors in the comments.)

• Bristol Stool Chart — I wish this had something to do with how ESPN's anchors sit.

• Yahoo Answers: "How Can I Get the Porn Star Make-Up Look?" — My guess is to put your ass in the air and have your face pounded into a couch pillow till your make-up runs amok. But let's see what the experts have to say... (Thanks, Kevin)

• Wikipedia Category: Living People — Well, that sure narrows it down a bit.

• Study: Global Warming Unstoppable for Centuries — Unstoppable by our current scientific means, maybe. Think anyone living in 1600, before there was even a New York City, envisioned a world as we live in today? Cars, planes, television, rocket science and the Internet are less than a century old, affecting more about human life than all of prior existence combined. I'm not ruling out anything centuries from now, including our ability to cool off whatever parts of the Earth however we want.

• $32 Million Apartment Listed in NYC — Let's see: 10 bedrooms, 10 bathrooms, over 12,000 square feet of interior space and outdoor terraces that are 10 times the size of my own place. Not bad, if you have to settle for less than this $47.5 million Fifth Ave. dwelling.

• New York Mulls iPod Ban on City Streets — Or so says the headline. More like one dope in the state Senate is mulling it. And no one's gonna buy it.

• YouTube: 8-Year-Old Shreds on Guitar Hero II — This kid is absolutely sick. His parents have got to rip that plastic piece of shit out of his hands, and set him up with a real guitar. He's about six years away from taking the virginity of every girl in his class.

• YouTube: Gilbert Arenas Hits 73 of 100 College 3-Pointers One-Handed — You've probably seen this, or at least heard of Arenas' bet with teammate DeShawn Stevenson that he could make more college 3-pointers (out of 100) one handed than Stevenson could hit from the pro line with two hands. Jaw-dropping skill on display.

• YouTube: Celine Dion Performing ACDC — I saw parts of this on VH1 and am alive today only because there are no loaded guns in my household.

• Hamburger: The Motion Picture Movie Poster ... $108! — I've been over this before. Hamburger is one of the finest works in cinematic history, and only those fortunate enough to have stayed up late enough know about its magic.

• YouTube: Don Mattingly's 1995 Playoff Homer — I was there, and it remains the most raucous I've ever heard Yankee Stadium. I hadn't remembered that Lou Piniella took his team off the field. It was a wild, wild celebration, as you can see from the cups of beer being heaved high in jubilation. (Why anyone would do that is beyond me, however.)

• Wikipedia: Mimi Macpherson — Gotta love it when your legacy is four sentences long, and one of 'em is how you were filmed masturbating and having sex with an ex-boyfriend.

• SNL Video: Versace Pockets — Like P. Diddy says, "I always wanted frozen food, but I wanted to pay more for it."

• Upcoming Celebrity Nudity — Hey, ya gotta stay informed. Lauren Hutton will celebrate her 62nd birthday by posing nude for "Big Magazine," which is great news if you usually get aroused by a bag of prunes. And Keeley Hazell is ready to hit the big screen as "Naked Girl."

What's the Point of Giving Stevie Wonder a Standing Ovation?

While watching the Grammys on Sunday night, I concluded that nothing is as senseless as giving Stevie Wonder a standing ovation. Well, maybe hanging a "Happy Birthday, Stevie" banner at his annual party.

Here's what else is on my mind:

• How fucked up is this country that Epic Movie got some of the most god-awful reviews in recent memory yet opened at No. 1? I swear I'm scared to leave Manhattan sometimes.

• Conversely, The Departed is proof that Hollywood can still make a good movie if it wants to. Which is what happens when established talent collaborates without pressure to scream "attention, Wal-Mart shoppers."

• Imagine how much of a food giant McDonald's would be if that shit was actually good for you.

• Now that Peyton Manning has bested Rex Grossman and the Bears in a turnover-inducing downpour, I have elevated him to one of the NFL's all-time great QBs. His previous 156 regular-season and playoff games didn't provide me with enough information to go on.

• You ever watch a woman highlight a book on a subway? Not novels, but more practical works. They highlight everything, as if they have no memory whatsoever. Yes, ladies, there are important lines in every paragraph. They're called topic sentences. Get used to 'em.

• You know what you're better at drunk? Nothing. Not pool, not fighting, not sex, not poker, and for me, definitely not Guitar Hero.

• Last month, Bill Simmons wrote that that the Patriots have become the Yankees. Which they are, except that the Pats aren't popular nationally, aren't the league's most important franchise, don't have a decades-long run of icons and champions like Ruth, DiMaggio, Mantle, Jackson and Jeter, and had about the most bland history possible up until six seasons ago. The Yankees, meanwhile, are the Steelers, Cowboys and 49ers combined. Believe it.

• Somewhere along the line, the Chrysler Building got fucked. Too many surrounding buildings impeded on its majesty.

• Millionaire pro poker players who whine "one time!" on a coin-flip situation deserve a taser to the balls.

• You don't meet a lot of broads named Milliscent anymore.

• What I wouldn't give to hear an American try to explain to a curious foreign tourist why Anna Nicole Smith was such a big deal here.

Your Sexiest Man Alive: Patrick Ewing!

Friday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Study: Women aroused by smell of men's sweat
• Amazon.com supports its cockfighting magazines
• Dr. Z.'s Ninth Annual NFL Commentator Awards
• Rex Grossman Super Bowl jerseys on eBay!
• Examining beer-pong bacteria
• Video: 3-man H.S. dunk shatters backboard
• Anniversary: Magic's 1992 NBA All-Star MVP
• Gallery: Chicago skyline lit up pre-Super Bowl
• Photo: 7-foot-9 Chinese hoopster holding basketball
• Charles Barkley to race 67-year-old ref Dick Bavetta
• Videos: Phil Hellmuth playing/acting like a chump
• eBay: Full, unused ticket from Rose's 4,192 hit game
• ... and check out my SbB archived posts.

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Super Bowl XLI Predictions

These things will happen Sunday. Guaranteed.

• I will be wasted. Vegas won't even take odds against that.

• Since I'll be watching at a bar in Chicago, rooting against the Bears, I'll find scant few people to high-five when Peyton Manning throws his third TD pass of the game.

• No athlete, hip-hopper, nor member of their respective entourages will try to bring a gun or knife into a South Beach club after-party. Well, maybe one or two ... hundred.

• A CBS announcer will begin a report by saying he talked to either Lovie Smith or Tony Dungy this week. As did every single person working in sports media.

• On Monday, I'll go into sports depression, as golf and NASCAR make headlines and hockey highlights appear on SportsCenter before the program's final minute. Baseball season, sadly, is still months away.

• The game will be better than last year's. Sure as hell couldn't be worse.

• The Colts will win, 31-17, because they're the better team with the best player, having beaten better competition in the better conference. However, I'm a little spooked by the idea of a former University of Florida quarterback (Rex Grossman) winning the Super Bowl after the Gators notched national championships in college basketball and football. And which school was it that haunted Peyton Manning while at the University of Tennesee? Yep, U of F.