PaulKatcher.com

Mourning the Loss of a Modern-Day 'Entrepreneur'

I don't know how this story missed the cover of Business 2.0, but we lost a great, young "entrepreneur" in February 2004. His name was Larmondo "Flair" Allen, and at least one local New Orleans paper had the decency to report the tragic demise of this ahead-of-his time genius.

What kind of business was he in? I'm not sure. But he did fuck a lot.

Gunshot wounds took the life of Larmondo at the tender age of 25 — I'm guessing his business wasn't online media, because I don't remember any bullets flying around my offices during the advent of Al Gore's Internet — but his legacy will be carried on by his nine children. I'm sure he prepared them well for life ahead.

(Thanks, Shumpy, for the link)

Today's Web Finds:

• Washington Post: Heralded Iraq Police Academy a 'Disaster' — Guess the Arab version of Tackleberry didn't go over well.

• Photo: Lucy, the Female Hominid Who Lived 3.2 Million Years Ago — Looks more like a hemroid than a hominid. You know someone/something had sex with her, too.

• Yale University to Post Courses on Web for Free — If I wanted to sit at the computer and fail every test, I'd just re-do my fantasy football draft and take Larry Johnson at No. 1 again.

• 50 Dark Movies, Hidden in a Painting — One of the best combinations of web technology, marketing and fun out there. A rarity, indeed. (Found on Gorilla Mask)

• Dwight Schrute's Blog — Talk about being the last guy you'd expect to be blogging on company time. Which sounds like a pretty funny premise for an episode of The Office, if you ask me.

• 'Drinking With Bob' Rant: Laughing Elmo! — He's not laughing with Elmo, he's laughing ... well, not at all.

• YouTube: Matt Damon Flips on Jimmy Kimmell Live — Some really funny stuff, but if you think it's not staged, you're an idiot.

• Agent: Bonds Will Play in '07 — Is there any doubt we'll see a ton of columns this offseason imploring Barry to give it up and not embarrass baseball any more?

The Greatest Baseball Lineup I've Ever Seen

Wednesday night at a bar, I watched the Yankees host a generally meaningless game against the Orioles. It was over early, as the Bombers took a 13-2 lead in the fourth inning, eventually prevailing, 16-5. Some might call it a snoozer.

But I think I witnessed baseball history. The Yankees fielded, for certain, the greatest baseball lineup I've ever seen.

Jonny Damon, CF
Derek Jeter, SS
Bobby Abreu, RF
Alex Rodriguez, 3B
Jason Giambi, DH
Gary Sheffield, 1B
Hideki Matsui, LF
Jorge Posada, C
Robinson Cano, 2B

All of them — ALL of them — have been All-Star starters (save Cano, who was voted to start in this season's Midsummer Classic, but unable to play because of injury).

Four of them — Abreu, Rodriguez, Giambi and Sheffield — have been the best hitters on other MLB clubs. Matsui, of course, a Japan league legend and MLB star.

Five of them hit home runs Wednesday night, in the first game in which the Yankees were able to field their healthiest, most potent lineup.

The 1-2-3 of Damon (24 HRs, 113 R, 25 SB), Jeter (.340 BA, 114 R, 32 SB) and Abreu (.430 OBP, 106 RBI, 29 SB) is probably the best in baseball.

The 4-5-6 of A-Rod (34 HRs, 118 RBI, 15 SB), Giambi (37 HRs, .413 OBP) and Sheffield (out most of year, but it's fucking Sheffield) is certainly the best in baseball.

And the 7-8-9 of Matsui (out most of the year, but it's fucking Matsui), Posada (21 HRs, 81 RBI) and Cano (.343 BA, 78 RBI) is ... are you kiddnig me?

This lineup is averaging 16 runs per game. Well, more, because a bunch of 'em got subbed out after the early carnage. The starters, at one point, scored 13 runs while committing 11 outs.

And they did it all in front of The Boss. No, not Steinbrenner, but Springsteen.

It's too bad we don't have any pitching, because nobody would trade their 1-2-3 postseason starters for Wang, Mussina and Johnson, nor would they swap their closer for Rivera.

In other news, the third-place Red Sux lost, 11-0, at home (is anyone still showing up?) to the Devil Rays, and Pedro Martinez has a 16.97 ERA over his last four starts, giving up 22 hits and 20 earned runs in 11 2/3 innings. (He pretty much sucks right now.)

In even more other news, Terrell Owens contends he did not try to kill himself. As his publicist said during a press conference, "Terrell has 25 million reasons to be alive." Now that's the asshole I want to see get hurt — real bad, career-threatening hurt — in Philly next week. And I will not apologize for that. You wanna be a persistent, voluntary villain? Join the pro wrestling circuit or accept the hate.

How You Can Profit Off Pete Rose's Misdeeds

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Graded version of Rose's "apology" ball selling for $1,325
• AllVegasPoker.com rates city's casino poker rooms
• The Onion: "FSU To Phase Out Academic Operations"
• Video: Johnny Knoxville bullfights blindfolded
• Improv Everywhere pranks Yankees fans with lost soul
• For the dorks: Paintball-field locator
• Curt Schilling to be on Celebrity Jeopardy! this fall
• Aerial views of stadiums across the country
• eBay: LEGO version of John McEnroe (without pants)
• Vegas think about restricting betting on crappy Temple football
• Video: Meet the anti-Tiger Woods golf prodigy
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Off to Vegas, See Ya Next Week

Won't have any new material here till next Wednesday, when I'll pimp my weekly update on SportsByBrooks.com.

Till then, trust I'll be having fun this weekend in Las Vegas, except for when I'm forced to view plastic versions of some of my favorite cities — New York, Paris and Venice — which always makes me want to throw up.

And if I hear anyone say any of the following...
a) "Vegas, baby!"
b) "What happens in Vegas..."
c) "My friend gets comped all over the place."
d) "I know this guy who works at [enter club here]."
e) "The Hard Rock is supposed to be pretty cool. [THANKS FOR THE YEARS-OLD INFO, CAPTAIN CONTEMPORARY.]

... I'll punch 'em straight in the grill.

But I am looking forward to busting my gut at the buffets, busting my bankroll at the tables and busting the Seahawks (it's revenge time for Feely and the Giants), plus photographing the Fremont Street light show again and doubling my fun with the drinkage. (Shot above taken last year at VooDoo Lounge.)

Eight Isn't Enough: Yankees Win Ninth Straight AL East Title

There comes a time in every man's life when he must accept defeat. When he must come to grips with a loss and go on with his business.

And so I accept the defeat of the Boston Red Sux on Wednesday night and happily go on with the business of celebrating the New York Yankees' ninth consecutive division title.

I believe it was the late, great Jackie Gleason who so eloquently coined the phrase that is apropos every year around this time in the Bronx: "How sweeeeeet it is!"

During the post-game locker room celebration, Kim Jones asked Derek Jeter if "it ever gets old." She asks this every year when spring training begins, on Opening Day, and when the Yankees clinch another Al East title. Of course it never gets old, you dingbat. The only thing that gets old is that dumb question. (Has anyone ever said, "yes?" Why ask the damn thing?)

Some Notes on the Division Title:

• So much for the depleted farm system. Chien-Ming Wang, Robinson Cano and Melky Cabrera were invaluable this season, as was Scott Proctor, who began his Yankees career, after a trade from the Dodgers, in Columbus. They join Jeter, Mariano Rivera, Jorge Posada and Bernie Williams as Clippers alums. We also acquired Alex Rodriguez in a one-for-one trade for former home-grown star Alfonso Soriano. Still trying to think of minor-leaguers we traded away that turned into superstars, without getting one of the greatest left-side infielders of all-time in return.

• Even I doubted the Yankees' ability to come back this season. A-Rod was doing his slump thing, Randy Johnson couldn't protect four-run leads, Hideki Matsui and Gary Sheffield were out indefinitely, and there was a time when nearly every regular was missing games with fluky injuries. We were completely outclassed by the Mets in May, got dropped, 19-1, by the Indians on July 4, and I didn't think we had the horses. And here we are, after dusting the division, including a Blue Jays team that reloaded in the offseason, and I couldn't be prouder of the way everyone stayed the course.

• There's no question this week's Sports Illustrated cover story on A-Rod is being overblown to the point where Terrell Owens is getting jealous. What were the bombshell revelations, that Giambi cursed when he told Alex his hits were shit in Boston? But here's why there is a story there, albeit a mild one: the Yankees have never, ever circled the wagons and told someone to get the fuck off Alex. During the postgame celebration, Kim Jones said to Jeter, "I just saw you and Alex have a hug. A lot of people never thought they'd see that." Knowing the news of the day — the SI piece was ESPN's lead on the 6 p.m. SportsCenter — and given an opportunity to say A-Rod is an equal part of a 25-man team that fought through plenty of challenges this season, Jeter said, "We've hugged before. We've been together awhile." Uh, way to defuse the situation, Captain. I really think a lot of guys just plain don't like A-Rod.

• I don't know if it's a testament to Rivera's amazing consistency over the years, of if the sports media is just a bunch of idiots, that the A-Rod thing is a huge story, while it hardly gets mentioned that the person everyone considers to the most valuable Yankee pitcher of the past decade is suffering from lingering arm trouble.

• Bobby Abreu. Holy crap, what a pick-up. I thank all Yankees fans, the most numerous in baseball and the real "nation," for helping me provide the funding for such a difference-maker. Yeah, tickets are expensive, and beers are expensive, but it's worth it, no? I mean, it beats paying the highest ticket prices in baseball to sit on top of a wall to watch a second-class franchise.

• For awhile, I didn't even want to read about the possible returns of Matsui and Sheffield. I felt like it was a tease, and that, even if they did return, they weren't gonna be the same. But it looks like Matsui is doing OK up there, and maybe we can get Sheffield enough at-bats to see where's he's at. My god, we really could have a guy like Posada (20 HR, 85 RBI) hitting last in the lineup come the ALDS.

• The only bad thing about making the postseason? Not being able to prepare for Bernie's final home game. I assume the regular-season finale, Oct. 1 against the Jays, will be his final start in Yankee Stadium's center field. I hope to be there sporting the pinstriped No. 51 that's been with me for years.

• Thanks to fans all across the country who once again made the Yankees the biggest road draw in baseball. It was fun beating you to a pulp once again.

• Someone, anyone, beat the Mets, please.

• Defense wins championships, they say. And so I anoint the Red Sux champions of non-playoff teams. Learn or hit or pitch (um, starting and relieving) in 2007, and you might have a shot. You could always hold try-outs at Fenway in October. From what I hear, it's not scheduled to be used.

• Red Sux fans, I'll hear from you in April. Have a safe offseason.

And This Is Only The Third-Gayest Tag Team Ever

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• List: 20 gayest wrestling tag teams
• Custom stamps? Imagine the possibilities
• Texas Hold 'Em poker odds calculator
• Hurricane & wife take Stanley Cup to bed
• How to look like Maria Sharapova
• Fenway gets Park Place slot in new Monopoly
• Gretzky rookie card sells for record $80K
• My Heritage thinks Jeter looks like a girl
• Here's why bicycle shorts are always black
• Oklahoma's crying sends Kleenex stock soaring
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Hey, at Least It's Good Training for Prison

It's always good to teach the kids that crime doesn't pay.

See Maxim's Found Porn collection for more unintentional humor in product names, signs, etc.

Today's Web Finds:

• The Yahoo Group JackOffToJoyceDeWitt Is Still Alive — I originally found this site in Jan. 2003, and it's pretty much the highlight of my blogging career. Anyway, I caught a bit of Three's Company the other night and wondered if anyone was still whacking it to the actress who plays Janet. And ... yes they are! There's even a new poll that asks members, "How would you respond to [Joyce] being naked in front of you and curled up with her well-rounded, plump ass right in your face?" I know how I'd react: Call the cops!

• Aretha Franklin's Breasts Apply for Statehood — This photo proves they're already big enough to warrant more electoral votes than Montana and Idaho.

• Penis-Pump Driver Crashes Into Bus — You know this has to happen all the time. Some dude is either tenderizing the tube steak or getting road head and ... bammo! Then it's a race for dignity to get those pants up before someone checks to see if you're OK.

• TheHairStyler.com — Found this site searching for some actress on Google. Anyway, it's a subscription site for men and women who can upload their own photo and see how they'd look in 5,000 different hairstyles, with step-by-instructions for cutting and maintaining. So if you really want to look like Ozzy Osborne, this is the site for you.

• Segway Recalls Scooters for Injury Risk — And thus ends the saga of the highly anticipated invention that was gonna change the world. I did get to crash one into a wall in a TIME magazine hallway, though, so that was cool.

• 10 Things Your Hospital Won't Tell You — Check out No. 9: "Avoid hospitals in July like the plague." But what if I don't avoid the plague? Then I'd need to go to the hospital in July. Man, I'm so confused.

• Register for Yankees Postseason Ticket Opportunity — The Bombers have adapted a new policy, where you have till Thursday to throw your hat into a ring for the opportunity to purchase postseason tickets. Sounds like a better idea than waiting on line forever at the Stadium or timing out constantly at TicketMolester.com. Not sure what the Red Sux will be doing for their postseason ticket sales. I'll keep you posted on that.

Let's Hear it For the First-Place Giants

With the Giants down 24-7 in the fourth quarter against the Eagles, I began thinking of how much Christmas Eve was gonna suck.

The Saints come to town on Dec. 24 for the final home contest this year, the first in which I retained season tickets for personal use, and I started to wonder if this gamble was gonna work out. Believe me, buying Giants tickets (or, in this instance, not selling them prior to the season-opener) is a gamble.

When the G-Men are going well, these tickets are like gold. About a month before last Sunday's opener against the Colts, tickets comparable to ours in Section 216 (mezzanine, corner end zone) were selling for about $350 a pop. (That came down a bit after out-of-towners, who always pay too much on eBay, finalized their travel plans.)

When the G-Men are going bad, you can't give these things away. I don't know what it's like in warm, Southern cities, where the tailgates might kick ass regardless of a team's record, thanks in part to nice weather and an assortment of eye candy (I'm talking to you, Dallas, and your trophy-wife bimbos). But a solid team record is kinda required for spending a freezing, late December morning in a New Jersey parking lot.

And you really never know how these things are gonna go. This Bill Belichick bio says that the Pats own the NFL's longest playoff streak, at only three seasons. I don't know if New England shares that mark with any teams, but, man, that's the NFL in a nutshell.

Staring down an 0-2 record, and a date in Seattle against the NFC champs next weekend, this season was going down the tubes faster than Theo Epstein's rep.

Twenty-seven minutes of game time (including overtime) later, we're in first place. With an unblemished record in the division and a crucial road win against an NFC East rival.

OK, it's early, but that win was sweet. And Christmas Eve looks a little brighter.

Other Giants Thoughts:

• Eli Manning has such an "aw shucks" look that he can't possibly get the benefit of the doubt on whether his make-up is built for the vicious arena of pro football. But check this: On Sunday, Manning got sacked eight times, yet still completed 31 of 43 pass attempts for 371 yards, 3 TDs and 1 INT. You can't have a better performance under the duress of a relentless pass rush. What poise. In two games this season, against very quality opponents, Manning has completed 51 of 77 pass attempts (66.2%) for 618 yards, 5 TDs and 2 INTs. He's been terrific.

• Earlier this week, on the Mike & Mad Dog radio show, Chris Russo said you have to start thinking about Tiki Barber as a Hall of Fame candidate. I brought this up in January, and I'll just re-post what I wrote then:

Tiki Barber for the Hall of Fame? My gut says no — this was only his second Pro Bowl season — but check this: He's currently 20th all-time, and could easily wind up in the top 10 ever, in yards from scrimmage (leaderboard). He's got 528 career receptions, and I count only three running backs with more than 600 (leaderboard). And he's only 1,214 rushing yards shy of 10,000, though that number doesn't mean nearly as much as it used to. Corey Dillon has 10,000 yards and a Super Bowl ring, but the only way he's getting into Canton is with a ticket.

• What the fuck kind of name is Plaxico, anyway? Sounds like an electric toothbrush or video-editing software.

• The Giants have outscored the Colts and Eagles, combined, 50-49. The Texans have been outscored by the Colts and Eagles, combined, 63-34. Houston comes into Giants Stadium on Nov. 5.

• I get the feeling the Giants are kinda mistake-y. Seems like they have been for years. False starts, bad snaps, untimely penalties, that kinda of crap. Yet, somehow, everything went right in that fourth quarter in Philly. If we can figure out how to stop any offense before halftime, we could do some damage this season. Stay tuned.

My First Week Playing Online Poker (For Real Money)

All my life I've been fortunate enough to be a poor gambler. Without an emotional craving for "the action," I never got hooked on the idea of consistently losing money. Call me crazy.

But I have caught the poker bug. I know this because I've played a couple thousands hands online, for real money, over the past six days. Since I make the plunge to genuine risk, I've hardly been able to get away from the computer, praying for pocket aces till close to 6 a.m. on a couple of occasions.

I'm down a whopping $4, and I can honestly say I'm pretty satisfied with the results.

What follows are my limited poker experiences, to share with those curious about online play, as well as a welcome to more experienced players to share advice and critiques. (Hey, there's no better form of constructive criticism.)

How Did I Get Here?

• Clearly, the ESPN telecasts introduced me to the game, and I devour every episode. Though I've since learned that we never know the true story behind how televised hands are played, because players' strategies may have been influenced by prior untelevised hands against the same opponents. Hands that ESPN are loathe to reference, because they don't want to make the games seem edited. Which they are, heavily.

• I began playing with free credits on PokerStars seveal months ago. Started with 1,000 chips, as all newbies are entitled to, and quickly busted. Hey, ya gotta start somewhere. I reloaded 1,000 chips (as players are allowed to do three times an hour, I believe) perhaps four times, never a sixth, and have since turned 5,000 play chips into 3.5 million. Yes, I know free-money games are quite different than real-money, but it's great practice for quickening your evaluation of hands and boards, if you can discipline yourself to not be a free-wheeling turd like so many others.

• I began reading some of highly recommended books out there. Started with David Sklansky's Hold 'Em Poker, which was headache-inducing in its technicality. But if you can't handle the math, stay out of the poker room. I followed that with Phil Gordon's Little Green Book, which I loved. Reasonable people can debate his personal style, but it's nothing if not a comprehensive (and, more importantly, comprehensible) collection of strategy. I've also read Dan Harrington's three books on no-limit tournaments, which are perfectly adaptable to "home" tournaments and even online cash games. In each, Harrington analyzes dozens of actual hands (played by recognizable world-class pros and unknown players online), sharing how he would play every step: pre-flop, post-flop, and after the turn and river, should the hand advance that far. Absolute gems, even if you disagree somewhat with Harrington's personal tight style of play. I'm also getting through Mike Caro's Book of Tells, which is a classic, but maybe a little too advanced for my purposes. Especially when me and my buds are getting drunk and don't even know what we're doing, let alone our opponents.

• The most significant thing that led me to finally throw some cash on the online table: my sterling performances in a regular home tournament. Usually about 6-7 players, a modest $40 buy-in, and lots of beer! We are hardly candidates for the WSOP, but in nine games, I've won five times and placed second once — a statistically significant rate of success, and a validation of my ability as a supplement to chance (at least against them) — for a profit of $740 ($1160 take from $420 investment, which includes two $40 re-buys).

My Mission:

With that $740 in house money, it was time to find out where I stood in online play. Was I leaving money on the table if I had the ability to swoop in every now and then and pick up a few bucks? Are people that bad that I could pick up more than a few bucks regularly?

It was time to find out where I stood. And being the cheap bastard I am, I loaded my account with a whopping $50.

How to Get Your Money In:

I tried making a direct deposit into PokerStars through my credit card. Which was denied, because of some laws or some shit. In fact, there are many recent news reports about a possible Internet gambling bill on Capitol Hill. Hope the jail cells are roomy.

Anyway, I was able to make an instant payment from my checking account to NETeller, which charges am 8.9% fee. So be it.

And Here's How It's Been Going:

I started playing the cheapest tables, 1- and 2-cent blinds, in which you're allowed to bring only $5 to the table. That was fun for about half a minute. Nothing is more mind-numbing than deciding whether to call a penny in the small blind.

Since, I've bounced around 5- and 10-cent-blinds tables ($10 max), 10- and 25-cents ($25 max), 25- and 50-cents ($50 max) and 50-cents and $1 ($100 max).

Foolishly, perhaps, I move up higher when I'm losing, because I'm usually down only after taking a significant, unlucky hit, holding my own pretty well in smaller pots. Therefore, I hit the higher (OK, a relative term) tables to play small ball and recoup the same amount that would require a monster hand at a smaller table. And that's worked pretty well for me.

The first night I lost all $50. It may sound naive, but I don't think I played too badly. I don't recall actual hands, because I've played maybe 1,700 since, but I don't recall ever thinking, "That was dumb of me." If anything, I may have overestimated online players' propensity to bluff. But that's what I was here for, to learn such things.

After the $50 drop, I plunked in another $50, and here's how things have gone, playing hundreds of hands each day:

Sept. 9: Won $60
Sept. 10: Lost $15
Sept. 11: Won $14
Sept. 12: Won $15
Sept. 13: Lost $49
Sept. 14: Won $21

So, including the initial $50 loss, and another $50 deposit, my bankroll stands at $96. A loss of $4 (not including the 8.9% NETeller fee, which I'll pretend was just two beers I bought for friends) over 2,000 hands, a loss of a fifth-a-penny per hand, which averages out to -$1 over 500 hands, which takes about six hours.

It's hard for me to gauge what the average pot has been, since I've played many different low-level limits, but I'd say it's about $2 a hand. I've lost 1/1000th of that on each. Which is great.

OK, I'll admit it's a little disappointing that this doesn't appear (yet) to be a potential money-maker for me. I think 2,000 hands is enough of a sample size to know where I'm at, which is straight-up average at even the low-tables. But everything is relative, and I can also be happy that I genuinely enjoy the puzzle aspect of the game, even more than the gambling part (just not my nature, thank god), and know I can have a couple hours' fun with only about $25 on the line.

And, who knows. There's nowhere to go but up, right?

How I Play:

I would classify myself as a tight player. The reason is simple: among novices, whom I play in home games and assuredly in the low-level games online, their No. 1 mistake is playing too many hands. It's a simple strategy: if the table is tight, you play loose (chasing out players who are afraid of confrontation); if the table is loose, play tight (sit back and try to pick 'em off). That works best when players don't even know they're playing loose. They might think KJ offsuit is a big hand, but it isn't, as you can see from this ranking of poker starting hands. KJ offsuit isn't even in the "playable" category from middle position at a full table.

As you run into players of greater ability, a common critique is not playing aggressively enough. I believe this has to do mostly with post-flop betting, which can be a real art form, getting your opponent to put you on a hand far greater than what you hold. And, while I'm not entirely incompetent in making such moves, I have a feeling that's where I can use the most improvement. And it'll come, but not overnight.

Online, I play tables with a max of 6 players. It's a little more active than 9-person tables — we're here to play, after all — and I go in only with cards good enough to start in middle position, or better, at a full table. (With the usual considerations, such as being half- or full-in against callers in the blinds.)

General Poker Thoughts:

— No limit can be demoralizing. Duh, you might say, that's the point. But it sucks to come to a table with, say, $25, move that up to $43 after an hour of solid play of 10- and 25-cent blinds, then take a $20 hit on a hand that's just too hard to lay down. And that happens, I don't care who you are. All of a sudden, your solid play netted you -$2 for an hour's worth of playing real well. It's more a mental hit than a financial one (obviously, if we're talking $2).

— It's cool to just observe the high-limit tables online. Yep, you can enter those rooms and just be a voyeur. Theoretically, calling for $200 in middle position should come with it the same strategy as th 2-cent table, but we know it doesn't work out that way.

— Is there anyone in the world who knows how to play pocket 9s? I sure as fuck don't. Nor pocket 10s, 6s, Js ... you get the point. The worst is when you have something like pocket Qs against two players and the flop comes A, 7, 2. You bet, one calls and you have no idea where you're at. Actually, I usually have no idea where I'm at.

— Hell on Earth is sitting in the big blind with pocket aces and everyone folds. That hand comes once every 221 deals (see a slew of poker odds). The fuck if I'm gonna be happy picking up a small blind from it!

— Sit on the left of a hyper-aggressive bettor, if possible. Similarly, sit on the right of a tight player, who will fold when faced with confrontation. My seond night online, I sat to the left of a psycho at the 5-cent/10-cent table, in which we wee allowed to sit down with only $10. He'd pre-flop raise constantly several dollars, up to $8, which is 80 times the big blinds. Once or twice, we'll give you a smidgen of credit. Do it over and over and there's just no way to win. I sat there for hours, promising to not leave before he did, as he kept reloading $10 and increasing my stack to $75, to the point where incoming players thought I was a shark, ordering me to higher-level tables. No way, Jose. And I was in the most fortunate spot, because I had a ton of house money and first crack of calling a suicide bet. And if I called, the rest of table knew I had to have something and were scared away. The person to the right of Mr. Charity must've been real jealous.

— Most memorable good hand: Had K-9, so I must've been on the dealer button to consider a call at the 5-cent/10-cent table. Flop comes KKK. I check a hand that could lose only to a straight-or royal-flush (which would still need two exact cards to complete). Fool next to me puts in all of his chips, about $5.50 worth, which I immediately call. Next card is a 9. Haha. Next card I don't remember. But I made 50 times my original bet. Which brings me to the best betting advice I could give:

— Don't make a huge bet that will be called only when you're beat. You see this a lot online, and almost never on TV. People making bets many, many, many times the size of the pot when it serves no purpose. If the purpose it to make money on a monster, you're supposed to bet only as much you think they'll call, or as much as will induce a re-reraise. If your purpose is to make them fold when you have little, why risk $50 when a $5 raise might get the same job done? It's a simple matter of putting your entire neck on the line for no reason. And it will get cut off more often than you'd like.

— Hands that sucked for me: Played a huge pot (yes, I've won a couple that were $75-95) where there was no pair on the board and nailed an ace-high flush. That means there was no chance of a full house, and I beat any set, any straight and any flush ... except a straight flush! And guess what the fucker nailed on the river? To his credit, he didn't go all-in till he got it, but you tell me if you've ever laid down an ace-high flush with no pair on the board. That's the kind of loss when you get out of the chair and ask yourself, "Did that really happen?" Another time I hit an ace-high flush with 6-6-3-x-x on the board. Fucker slow played a full house, with 6-3, that he flopped. Again, how can you give credit to that exact hand. Just unreal. And I'm sure there was no pre-flop raise. Hey, it happens.

— Get cute with A-A, and you could be in trouble. I'm gonna make it a habit to play A-A either as a normal good hand (raise 3x the big blind), or pretend it's a pair of 10s or Js (maybe 5x the big blind, normally to discourage action, but in this case hoping to get lucky with someone who wants to play with two high cards against what they think is a vulnerable pair). Just too much risk inviting a lot of players by calling. Unless I'm under the gun, then I'll call and pray I get a re-raise in front of me. I guess you're supposed to play A-A different ways every time, but since they only come once every 221 hands, and you're likely to never see the same players again at an online table, should you really be worried about being put on that exact hand?

— When everyone limps in, tread lightly. As novice as I am, I don't even think about putting someone on a hand in this spot. I don't know that anyone could. Which is why a huge bet on the river is maddening. You could have J-9 with a board of J-2-9-7-K and just have no idea if someone stayed in till the end with 2-2 or 9-9 or 10-8 or K-J, thinking his top pair with K kicker was good enough through the turn. Do you call an even money bet at the pot?

— Any hand worth a call is worth a raise. That's what I've read. Think I follow it? Fuck, no. Too much of a pussy.

So, Whatcha Got?

If you play often, I'm sure this was all quite elementary. But that's where I'm at, and I'm having fun with it. This might be the first mention I've made here about my poker hobby, so I'm just letting you know I welcome comments, e-mails and suggested sites regarding the subject.

And if you're a cheap bastard like me, maybe I'll see you at the low-limit tables.

As if Pirates Fans Haven't Suffered Enough

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• These hats had better come with a bowl of soup
• Long Island's Duck's pitching coach is who?
• Video: Aspiring cheerleader's faceplant
• Larry King knows jack-shit about tennis
• Rosters and ratings for NBA 2K7 video game
• A huge list of Charles Barkley quotes
• 'Bama fans release "The Day Bear Bryant Died"
• Happy 39th birthday to Michael Johnson
• Steelers fans wave Terrible Towel at funeral procession
• Wikipedia's extensive list of wrestling slang
• Photo: Wisconsin holds the classiest tailgates
• 2006 NFL TV distribution maps
• Photos: Manhattan women's lacrosse team's stripper party
• CNET: Six-pack of sports gadgets
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

EW.com takes Web Usability to New Low

When it comes to online content, lists are like crack. I don't really know what crack feels like, but, apparently, shaking and frothing at the mouth is an experience you just can't shake. When you see a list, you just have to take a hit, even if it's Wikipedia's lists of lists.

So, of course, I had to click on Entertainment Weekly's list of Top 50 High School Movies of All Time. Unfortunately, it's perhaps the worst-produced piece of web content since Al Gore invented the Internet.

The reason: Like Time Warner cousin SI.com, EW.com treats you like sheep, asking you, in this instance, to click 18 times to get through the damn thing. SI.com long ago adapted the practice of doing their daily top-10s in photo gallery-format, one per page, a pathetic attempt to get people to click-click-click and drive up ad impressions. But 10 isn't 18. Eighteen is just plain insane. (And it may be 19 or 17; the steam coming out of my ears prevents me from keeping an accurate track, several times over.)

The feature is billed as photo gallery, even though only one photo per every five movies is displayed till you reach the top 10. Then you have to click nine more pages to see what's No. 1. There's no quick list of the movies, no thumbnail index of this supposed photo gallery.

The worst part is that this practice of driving ad impressions is bullshit, as those who are in constant-click mode are less inclined to notice an ad than those who are intently poring over a long page; their brains are trained to look straight at the content well, and for the "Next" button. In short, EW.com's sponsors are being hosed. They're not getting 18x the value of one impression, believe me.

But someone is getting paid to make these decisions. And s/he probably sees increased page views and thinks that's a good thing. Enjoy it while it lasts. Because pissing off customers (by making them click 18 times) and not delivering impact to advertisers doesn't work in 2006. Or ever.

Today's Web Finds:

• 43 Things Tags — Seems like this is a site where you can share your life's goals. And the front page highlights some of the most popular ones. Like "Get my GED," "stop procrastinating," "not be lazy," "watch Lost episodes" and "stop throwing clothes on the floor." Is this an inspired segment of the population or what?

• Video: Pole Dancer Face Plant — If this had happened in front of me, I just might ... might ... have laughed till I died. (Found on Gorilla Mask)

• Voyeurs Exposed With Gigapxl Cam — An amazing photo of Torrey Pines City Beach that, when zoomed closer and closer and closer, outs guys peering at a nude beach through telescopes and binoculars.

• YouTube: Best Card Trick In The World ... Revealed — Last week, I linked to a YouTube vid titled, "Best Card Trick in the World." Well, this guy makes like the cock block of magicians by busting up the whole jig. While ... talking ... as ... slowly ... as ... humanly ... possible. (In another YouTube vid related to the BCTTW, this kid need to get laid. Stat.)

• Kate Moss Naked in Pop Magazine — I gotta drum up a coke habit or something. I just don't get why she's such a popular model.

• Bicyclist Awaiting Ambulance Hit Again — Suffice it to say, he didn't hit the Lotto that night, either. I've read the lead paragraph on this story four times, and I'm still not sure if I have the principals straight.

• T-Shirt: Ron Jeremy for President 2008 - He's a Long Shot — Allow me to make the worst joke of the week: it cums in many sizes.

• Video: Keith Olbermann Goes Off on Missing 9/11 Memorial — K.O. straight-up lights into Bush for the empty space that still resides in downtown Manhattan. I'm not smart enough to know who's to blame, but it sure is a shame.

• Bush 'Death' Film: Placing a Target on the President? — A FOXnews.com piece on a controversial "mockumentary" that depicts an assassination of President Bush and its aftermath. When I worked for TIME.com and we brainstormed ideas around the 40th anniversary of JFK's death, I suggested a feature on what life would be like if a modern-day president was killed. We'd never again have a clouded JFK situation, I thought. There would be countless more video and still cameras. The Internet, of course, would change the way we discuss world-altering events. And, considering the animosity that permeates political discussions today (only natural when people die every day based on decisions made and not made, and who knows if an equal amount of lives were spared because of them, or what they're "worth"), would there be a universal pall cast about the U.S.A. in respose to the death of Bush or a successor, no matter the party? My idea was shot down, but I still think it makes for a very interestig discussion.

• Video: Daily Show Post 9/11 Monologue — Archived clip of Jon Stewart's first opener in 2001 since the attacks. Heavy and beautiful.

Photos: Colts 26, Giants 21

Some notes on Sunday's Manning Bowl, which I attended from my season ticket in Section 216 at Giants Stadium...

• First and foremost, today is the fifth anniversary of 9/11, an occasion that changed my life forever ... and for the better. I swore on that day that I'd worked my last stressful day. Never again would I cheat myself out of a moment's pleasure because of some corporate bind. (And I had a pretty good handle on those priorities to begin with. It's called "Sorry, boss, can't do it tonight. Got plans.") Five years after 9/11, I hear way too many "Can't, I gotta"s. Can't, I gotta do this. Can't, I gotta do that. I hear this in New York City, the most dynamic place in the world. I hear this from very intelligent people, in the prime of their lives, who position themselves to work 70-hour weeks on Wall Street. I never say "Can't, I gotta..." Instead, it's "Can't, I'm gonna..." There's a huge difference.

• The picture above — from my Giants-Colts photo album — is a shot I took through one of 80,000 American flags handed out at the game, proof that if you keep your eyes open, you can find a nice photo just about anywhere. That's what I like about photography, which is just an occasional hobby. Anyone could have gotten that shot, but how many thought of it? And how many did I miss that were right in front of my eyes? Any day the sun rises is a day filled with photo-ops. (And you might find yourself witness to the worst sports jersey of all time.)

• I've been a Peyton Manning supporter ever since he got screwed out of the 1997 Heisman Trophy, which went to Charles Woodson (a cornerback over a quarterback? Are you kidding me?), but I'd never seen him play live till Sunday night. God, he owned us. Owned. On any given play, there are only three possible results: positive play for the offense, positive play for the defense, and a wash (something like 3-4 yards on first down). The Colts "won" a way higher percentage of plays than we won on defense. It was Manning who called the exact plays, and it was Manning who executed them, like going 10 of 14 for 120 yards and a touchdown on third down. The rap he gets is complete bunk. Far as I can tell, his biggest fault is being part of a team that lost to the Patriots (when no one else could beat them) and the Steelers (when no one else could beat them). Hence, he must suck. And he must never have won a big game, because there were no big games in the SEC (aside from Tennessee-Florida), and NFL regular-season games are pretty much cake.

• A fan behind me kept yelling for Jeremy Shockey to "get in the game." Tell me, is there a position in any sport less conducive to getting yourself involved than tight end? First, if the coach calls a run — which worked spectacularly Sunday (28 rushes for 186 yards; 6.6 a clip) — the tight end gets no credit for his blocking. Second, tight ends aren't really expected to get themselves open. Unlike a burner on the outside, his job is basically to run a precise route, and it's up to the play call to put him in a position to be open. If they don't throw to him, it's not because Shockey didn't do enough to get open. Hell, he's the last guy in the NFL who's gonna tank a route in which he's supposed to be a primary receiver.

• The crowd was equal parts great and sucky. The din at the start of the game was reminiscent of the Carrier Dome, when I was a student and the Syracuse football team didn't blow complete ass. The noise level went from excited to frenzied to straight-up painful. Like seriously painful, a level of noise you don't don't hear outside sporting events. But our section in the mezzanine sucked. I wanted us to be standing for defensive plays way more than we did. Giants fans are too old-school sometimes.

• They had this cool game where two fans were invited onto the field and given three chances to catch a punt for a prize. The balls were lofted by a machine, and they soared 50 yards in a tight spiral. Anyway, these dudes missed all six. Unless you count the couple that crashed off their chests. Hilarious stuff, but I booed the shit out of them anyway.

• Also receiving boos: whoever was lauded on the scoreboard as the Designated Driver of the Game. Harsh, but also pretty funny.

• Line of the night, said by some dude walking past me after the crushing defeat, "Win or lose, we still booze."

• Hey, at least we're not the Packers.

Vagina Defeats Penis Again: Man Tips Female Bartender $10,000

Believe me when I say I never, in a million years, thought I'd ever type this next sentence:

The Applebee's in Hutchinson, Kansas, seems like one helluva place to work.

The reason is that you can no longer say that it's unheard of for a bartender to receive a $10,000 tip on a $26 tab.

The event is making the rounds on offbeat news sites, and it's being portrayed as some feel-good story straight outta Hollywood. But if there was any doubt that I'm a Grade-A cynic, this will cement it: I think the whole thing is pathetic, defined as "arousing sympathetic sadness and compassion."

That's the way I feel for any man who leaves any woman a $10,000 tip for any service that doesn't include whipped cream and a few rounds of naked Twister.

There's a chance, of course, that this was a wholly altruistic act by the anonymous (at least publicly) tipper. But I ask, Is anyone remotely shocked that the recipient was a female?

Good-heartedness may have played a role, but, I suspect, not as much as dick-hardedness.

We've all heard tales of exorbitant tips left for people in the service industry, especially when a brain-clouding agent like alcohol is involved. (It may or may not have been here.) And, almost without fail, it's a female who's on the receiving end of a male's (take your pick): a) generosity; b) impulsive stupidity; or c) deperate attempt to get laid. There's a pattern there, and this story certainly fits.

The recipient, Cindy Kienow, says her semi-regular customer routinely over-tipped (about 100% of the tab, it seems) and, since she and him generally only engaged in small talk, doesn't know what would have compelled him to leave $10,000. Which only makes it more likely that he's a nut!

Does he hold down a high-paying job (one that allows him to eat regularly at a Hutchinson, Kansas, Applebee's)? Is he independently wealthy? Is he lonely? Does he speak of female companionship? Does he speak of helping those in need? Does he get drunk a lot? Did he get drunk this time? Did she ever imply that she could use some extra cash?

Ya gotta have some idea why the guy left the money. If not, let me clue you in: he has a penis and you have a vagina.

Today's Web Finds:

• Video: Frightened Fat Kid Screaming on Amusement Park Ride — Holy fuck, if you laugh at this, you're going straight to hell. Where I'll meet you, because I found this funny as hell. As does his mom, who's laughing sadistically right next to him.

• Video: Jerry Springer's Best Fights! — Who would've guesed that an episode titled I'm Proud to be a Racist would turn so ugly? The highlight, though, is at the 1:50 mark, when some mullet-sporting dude lobbies threats and falls straight back in his chair.

• YouTube: Best Card Trick in the World — This clip tripped me out, but I love how the commenters are not impressed.

• Flickr Group: 'Flash Your Boobs: The Hottest Girls Are Showing You Her Tits' — 455 members. 3 photos. Jesus H. Christ!

• Gas Powered Party Blender — I was at a party recently where one of these blenders — complete with handlebars that rev up the engine — was being used. Talk about a conversation piece.

• The Internet in 1996 — Screenshots and commentary on some of the hideous web pages that major companies threw out there 10 years ago.

• YouTube: Midget Kicks Regular-Sized Man's Ass on Springer — When this first aired, my buddy called to see if I'd caught it. Um, no. But someone finally put the clip up, and it's a goodie. If nothing else, you have to love the title of the episode: A Prostitute, a Midget & Todd!

• YouTube: MXC Videos — Spike TV's English-overdubbed version of a hilarious Japanese game show is 10,000 better than Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, Deal or no Deal?, or the rest of the shows that appeal to Kentucky Fried America.

• NYC Unveils 9/11 Memorial Hole — Ooh, The Onion, you're so bad. So bad. (Yet genius.) "From the wreckage and ashes of the World Trade Center, we have created a recess in the ground befitting the American spirit," said New York Governor George Pataki from a cinderblock-and-plastic-bucket-supported plywood platform near the Hole's precipice.

• Video: Super Trampoline Basketball — His pain is our gain.

• ESPN.copm's NFL Power Rankings: Week 1 — I love that this is a true poll among "experts," not just one man's opinion, but if I read one more time that the Giants' schedule is brutal, I'm gonna punch someone. On an a neutral field I expect us to be as good as anyone.

Vitale Talking Alarm Clock Sure to Cause Morning Sickness

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• It's time to wake up, baby!
• Federer lookalike sure to play like Federline
• Video: Assclown falls into pool on golf shot
• Video: MXC's obstacle course a painful one
• Photo: Alabama fans looking ridiculous
• Colorado paid I-AA team that embarrassed them
• eBay: Novelty Yanks cash selling for hundreds
• Suzyn Waldman refers to Chewbacca as "a bear"
• Golf prank tops 10 best Jackass skits of all time
• Anniversary of Ripken's streak record
• Gambling advice on NFL win totals
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

DON'T FORGET TO MAKE YOUR SELECTIONS BY THURSDAY NIGHT IF YOU'RE IN THE PK.COM NFL PICK 'EM POOL. (Instructions to join are in the right column.)

Why Are There No Celebrity Lookalike Sex Videos?

Whenever I see pictures of Britney Spears smoking a cig, ordering fast food, clutching a baby and sporting too-tight jeans around her fat ass, I lament that a sex video involving her never hit the Internet.

And you know she's made at least a couple of private bedroom films. We're talking about a woman who once married a childhood friend on a whim in Vegas. Someone who also married Kevin Federline, then reproduced with him. God knows how much money she's wired to Nigeria over the years.

Just think about how awesome the public reaction would have been.

First, nothing sets off an Internet craze quite like a celebrity sex vid. Put it this way: surfers went absolutely insane over Paris Hilton's tape, despite the fact that almost no one finds her attractive or likable. The Chyna/X-Pac vid was significantly less popular, but U.S. culture hasn't completely warmed up to sex between two men.

Second, Britney Spears, circa 2000, could lay claim to being the most wanted woman in the history of the world. Week after week, month after month, she was the most-searched person on every search engine. And these people weren't looking for tour dates. (Even now, she's ranked No. 12 on the Lycos 50, and she hasn't done anything for years except pretend every night was her Last Supper.) Guys searched for pics of her knowing she'd never done Playboy, never had a nude scene in a movie, never even had a red-carpet nipple slip. Publicity stills were enough to keep college kids in the shower an extra 10 minutes, for god's sake.

That's why I think a Britney Spears sex tape would have set the Internet on fire. Literally. I'm not even kidding. You would have seen smoke coming out of dorm rooms.

Which brings me to my latest and greatest business idea that any of you are welcome to steal: celebrity lookalike sex videos!

Think of how much sense that makes. Look, if there's a market for Butt Hole Boulevard, Let Me Tell Ya 'Bout Fat Chicks and San Fernando Jones & the Temple of Poon (those are all Ron Jeremy works, by the way), there's always room for more porn. And there are celebrity lookalikes everywhere. I don't know who hires them or what they do, but are you telling me we can't find a few runaways in L.A. who resemble Angelina Jolie on a bad hair day?

I'm telling you, if a Jib Jab cartoon starring George W. Bush and John Kerry can become an Intenet sensation, someone can make a buck releasing a series of online sex vids starring celeb lookalikes.

Other Random Thoughts:

• Here's another idea you can steal. Next time you go to a game with a couple who's been dating for awhile, pay the club to post a fake marriage proposal on the scoreboard. Then pretend to get a beer between innings and watch the hilarity from a distance.

• Attention Chinese restaurateurs: NO ONE ELSE STAPLES THEIR TAKE-OUT CONTAINERS FOR A REASON!

• Sometimes I wonder what went through the mind of the first guy who milked a cow and then drank what came out, but he must've been saner than the first guy who lighted a fart. I'm guessing that occurred about five minutes after man discovered fire.

• It's a good thing all those Red Sux fans promised years ago that they "only wanted one" and they'll be happy forever. Otherwise they'd be pretty upset that they were in first place at the start of August and out of the playoff picture at the start of September.

• What do you think was the most money ever bet by two drunk, rich guys on one of those between-innings ballpark games. Ya know, like the Yankees' great subway race. Has to be in the thousands of dollars, right?

• I'm a big fan of posting silly memos on checks I write to friends, but nothing beats the $130 check I got from my pal "For Oral." Not a big deal till I noticed the name on the bank account was his wife's.

• Ya know who I hate at ballgames? The "I called it" guys. They never predict anything good. All game long, they play Debbie Downer, predicting a batter will strike out or a reliever will blow a lead, then proudly claim, "I called it!" when it happens. Of course, they say nothing when they're wrong 75% of the time.

• John Kruk does a great Chris Farley impersonation, just by sitting on the Baseball Tonight set. Every time I see that guy in a suit, I think of Tommy Boy and crack up.

• It's only a matter of time before someone invents a pocket device that makes phone calls, takes pictures, plays audio files, brews beer, sends "running-low" alerts to your 420 hook-up, stalks your MySpace crush and gives you road head on the drive to work.

• If poker pros hate the fact that the WSOP Main Event draws so many dead-money players, why don't they actually win some of it? The event is what it is, a free-for-all p.r. stunt. But last I checked, that p.r. helped sell a lot of their books.

• I keep forgetting, in my softball games, to do what Deion Sanders did before he bat: draw dollar signs in the batter's box. Next time, I swear.

• Missing in all those reports of USA basketball's performance in the World Championshsips: the part about why I should care.

• Nothing says tech nimrod like someone who fails to remove a sticker on a digital camera that highlights its megapixels and zoom range. You know these are the same people — the ones who don't even know there's a removable sticker on a $400 piece of electronics — who take shitty pics and post them all (including the bad ones) on Shutterfly without even an attempt to crop or edit them.

OK, Cheap Asses, Get Ready to Save This Weekend

We celebrate holidays a little strangely in this country.

Take Memorial Day, a most solemn occasion intended to honor fallen soldiers. We observe it by exhibiting road rage and cursing the weatherman if our first summer weekend doesn't do right.

Fourth of July? A rather important and serious event in America's history. But the first three letters that come to mind are not U-S-A but B-B-Q and B-U-D.

And Christmas. The celebration of the birth of a magical baby that died for all of our sins, which include running over a 58-year-old mother to grab the last Xbox 360 in stock.

But Labor Day? That's a bunch of crapola. So there's no guilt in using the time off to take advantage of some of the great consumer sales out there, all in the name of saving a buck. Hey, it's the American way.

And there's some terrific ones out there, like this Ultra 1GB SD Memory Card for only $9.99 (after rebate) at Radio Shack.

Among the best resources for finding Labor Day deals:

• Digg.com's Tech Deals
• All Tech Deals
• Ben's Bargains
• Deal News
• Rooster Hot Deals Search
• DiscountCodes.com
• GottaDeal.com
• Deal Shopping Sites Roundup

The best advice I can give is to research consumer reviews online before you buy. Amazon.com stocks just about everything, so even if they don't have the best price (and you purchase elsewhere) at least see what its unmatched consumer base has to say.

Do NOT wait till you get to Circuit City or Best Buy or some other retail chain to ask for advice. They don't know anything about anything. Ask if they've heard anything good or bad about a particular product and you'll be lucky to get as much as a shoulder shrug.