PaulKatcher.com

The Solution to Most of Your 'Big' Problems

Many years ago, I was in a science museum or planetarium, or some other place I never go, and watched a movie that cleverly put into perspective the size of a major city compared to its country, the size of that country to its continent, to Earth, to the Sun, to our galaxy (Milky Way), only one of approximately 10 billion galaxies.

I walked out of there without a care in the world.

Texas Rangers fan Shumpy, fresh of a Yankees sweep, passed along a link today titled The Size of Our World, which also visually demonstrates how small Earth is to other known planets and stars.

In the upper-right image, the Sun renders Earth about the size of a few pixels. In the bottom image, the Sun is about 1 pixel when compared to Antares, the 15th-biggest star in the sky.

Still setting that double alarm clock so you're not five minutes late to work?

What I learned that day — besides the fact that I hate kids running around museums, or kids period — is that we make too big of a deal out of small issues. And by small, I mean smaller than a Florida State recuit's SAT score, Jackie Kennedy's tits or Curt Schilling's capacity to shut up.

When people tell me their problems, and I respond by cracking a beer and looking at the Yankees on TV, they think I don't care about them. I do care about them — the people, not the "problems." Because they're not big problems. Big to them, sure, but they shouldn't be. Why? Because Antares which equals the size of 14 quadrillion of our moons.

And I don't mean to trivialize what I learned from a fellow blogger to call "moments of clarity." I live with three of them every day. But they don't include some supposedly important meeting/conference call that will never be mentioned at your funeral. They don't include toilet seats or other subjects of petty spats. They don't include you getting pissed because I noticed you moved your tight end in the backfield of Madden and covered him myself with a defensive back instead of the linebacker you'd hoped to toast.

See, there are BIG things and there are small things. Make sure you give proper attention to each kind.

(Another great tip to putting your problems in perspective: each day, write down everything that bugs you. A year later, review what you wrote down. And laugh. In fact, we'll laugh together next time we crack a beer and watch the Yankees on TV.)

Today's Web Finds:

• For Sale: German Track Pants — I take slight issue with these pants being categorized as a "tendy fashion item." and being described as "hot" and "comfortably funky." Only because they're the ugliest fucking things I've ever seen. (Thanks, Josh)

• Monopoly Board Game Phases Out Paper Money for ... Debit Cards! — Now would be a good time to kill ourselves. Also see: Dane Cook's bit on Operation and Monopoly. (Thanks, Ray)

• Nwe York City Air Show Pics — Suffice it to say, hard for us to capture these cool shots without getting shot down by Bush's zoomies. (Thanks, Shumpy)

• Metacritic: Life Is Beautiful Reviews — Tried watching this, but it was just too annoying to read all the subtitles. Interesting to see the media wasn't impressed, because it's a comedy that apparently employs a Holocaust setting, but users loved it.

• Top 10 Surprisingly Successful Celebrity Marriages — Love the Garth Brooks-Trisha Yearwood joke in there.

• ExxonMobil Becomes First Company to Exceed Sales of $1 Billion a Day — That's only because Britney didn't start that amateur porn site like I told her to in 2000.

• YouTube: Hammerhead Attacks a Tarpon — Here's how little I know about fishing: I don't even know what a tarpon is. But I know what a 12-to-14 foot hammerhead shark is, and I know I'd run like fucking hell if one attacked a fish I was reeling in. Not these guys. They hang around without a care in the world.

• Did Dane Cook Rip Off Louis C.K.? — Listen to three similar jokes on the audio clip and judge for yourself. (Found on College Humor)

Review: WWE Presents The World's Greatest Wrestling Managers

Last month, when Bill Simmons presented his collection of YouTube Hall of Fame videos, I was most intrigued by his No. 10 entry, a 1986 WWF skit titled "Fuji Vice," starring Don Muraco and Mr. Fuji as drug-busting feds. I'd never seen this clip, and the now-WWE had the clip removed immediately due to copyright restrictions.

Google searches produced nothing, except for a mention that it appeared on a DVD titled WWE Presents The World's Greatest Wrestling Managers, which happened to be available via NetFlix. Being a sucker for any '80s pro wrestling highlights, especially ones that promised humor in the form of antagonistic managers, I sent this one straight to the top of my queue. Here's how it went.

DVD Contents:

• A dozen of the greatest managers — including Freddie Blassie, Captain Lou Albano, Jim Cornette, Jimmy Hart and Bobby Heenan — are profiled via classic clips, along with interviews with the principles and their industry peers.

• Extras included "Fuji Vice," an "investigative report" by Gene Okerlund at the Hart Foundation's executive offices/world headquarters, classic manager interviews and matches involving those profiled.

Random Thoughts on the DVD:

• Even though Slick, the "Doctor of Style," wasn't profiled, he appeared in some scenes, including a chapter on "How to Cheat." John Cena echoed my thoughts when he said, "Anyone who has a doctorate ... in style ... is OK with me." Right on, man, and that's why I was so excited to post audio of Slick's theme, "Jive Soul Bro," a couple of years ago, when I was only 31 and slightly less embarrassed than I am now to write about pro wrestling.

• Steve Lombardi is interviewed and is even shown as the Brooklyn Brawler, who I was surprised to learn was once in the Heenan Family, considering he got his ass kicked more often than S.D. Jones and Johnny Rodz combined.

• Good thing for Jerry Brisco's Dumbo-like ears, or else people would really make fun of his gnarly teeth.

• As expected, the Blassie chapter was gold. (You may recall I met him as a kid at a Japanese restaurant, and he autographed a menu with this message: "Don't be a pencil-neck geek!" To this day, that is what motivates me to live as I do.) You see the Fashion Plate of Wrestling dressed like a retired Foridian on acid. You hear him berating crowds as ugly, poor low-lifes. You see his stable member, the Iron Sheik, doing that exercise that words can't describe (but you know it if you've seen it). You hear Stone Cold refer to Blassie as "a 'class act' in every sense of the word," even though class + act = two words. You see the Sheik taunting in his native tongue, while Blassie, dressed in some Arabian get-up, nods as if he understands it all, before shouting "Bali! Bali!" You see fans throwing shit at Blassie and hitting Vince McMahan in the noggin' instead. Most of all, you see a guy who must've had everyone backstage peeing in their pants as he riled up crowds who, back then, really did believe this shit was real. Don't forget to check out my review of the cult film, My Breakfast with Blassie. You'll think twice the next time you have to shake hands with a stranger.

• Forget what I said about Brisco's teeth. Compared to Ernie Roth, the Grand Wizard, he's got a perfect grill.

• I didn't watch wrestling when Sunny, formerly Tammy Sytch, became the first Diva. But she's profiled for pioneering the tits and ass era I came to love so much around 1999-2001. Strangely, McMahon throws her under a bus for not handling her success well. Bad attitude and drugs are mentioned, and I wonder what the motivation was for even mentioning it. According to pics on this fan shrine, she has not aged well. Christ, she's only a couple months older than me.

• News to me: Paul Bearer is a certified mortician.

• Arnold Skaaland reflects on having done the right thing for Bob Backlund by throwing in the towel against the Iron Sheik, because he knew Backlund wouldn't quit and would end up getting hurt. He makes no mention of the fact that's what the script called for. Hey Arnie, the kayfabe thing got its doors blown off years ago.

• Jim Cornette is shown introducing the Midnight Express as "twin sons of different mothers."

• Albano mentions how his wife wanted him to clean up his look. I know I'm not the only who who spent the next 10 minutes in a fog, wondering who said "I do" to Albano. Slightly less puzzling: how a guy from Carmel, N.Y., carved an image that included island shirts and flip flops. In an interview, Albano credits the wrestlers, not so much himself, for their in-ring success. Again, the scripts may have had something to do with it.

• The Miss Elizabeth section is boring, as her peers fawn over her grace and beauty and ... blah, I want more Blassie! Still she made my list of top 10 wrestling babes, because I thought she was super-hot 20 years ago. Then again, I could have gotten a boner over a pack of dirty playing cards back then.

• Howard Finkel is shown introducing a match from 1977. I swear nothing will ever top the anticipation of those monthly shows at MSG, because titles just didn't change anywhere else. He'd always yell out, "This match is scheduled for ONE FALL ..." Even though only like 0.000013% matches were scheduled for more than one fall, he'd always make it the emphasis.

• Bobby Heenan's profile is saved for last, and it's sad to see him so frail after battling cancer. He was the absolute master of the one-liner, tied with Blassie as my all-time favorite wrestling personality ever. Hell, every time I travel to see the Yankees at road venues, I turn into The Brain, complaining about being surrounded by humanoids in Philly, commoners in Baltimore or, worst of all, ham-and-eggers at Shea Stadium. He and Gorilla Monsoon had perfect timing, with Monsoon always playing the straight man and Heenan knocking everything out of the park.

Check out these exchanges:

[On the Rosatti sisters]
Heenan: You know what Rosatti means in Italian?
Gorilla: Sure. It means red, rich, full...
Heenan: Nope. It means lard.

[On Hulk Hogan's entrance music]
Heenan: That's my second favorite song.
Gorilla: I'm almost afraid to ask. What's your favorite?
Heenan: All the rest are tied.

[On Koko B. Ware's bird, Frankie]
Gorilla: Those birds can live to be 25 or 30 years old.
Heenan: Not in my house
Gorilla: I'm sure
Heenan: If he was in my house he'd be in a Shake 'n' Bake bag.

• "Mean" Gene Okerlund's investigative report at the Hart Foundation's "executive offices/world headquarters" was a pleasant surprise. We were told that the Hart Foundation occupied 25 floors in a Manhattan office building and employed 200 secretaries. Mean Gene was pressed by bimbo staffers for not having the proper credentials to enter, and he protested that "just last week" he'd been to the White House to interview the President of the United States. They also addressed him as "Mr. Greenjeans," even after they asked him to spell him name (yes, he really spelled it M-E-A-N G-E-N-E). Watched it twice and still don't know what the hell he was investigating, but it was kinda funny watching Okerlund play the role of stooge reporter.

• And, finally, "Fuji Vice." This script had no inherently funny lines at all, but Muraco and Fuji were delivering them, and they could make me laugh reading a phone book. The plot is that our federal agents try to bust a drug kingpin on the high seas, only to be suckered themselves and taken captive. They're rescued, though, and later claim they knew what was going on the whole time and had everything figured out, as Fuji says, "from A to Z." Gotta say I liked the Mean Gene investigation better, if only because these guys had the personality of a damp piece of bread, whereas Jimmy Hart was in the other skit.

In Conclusion:

Solid DVD rental for an old-time fan, though I wish they'd focused only on the truly funny stuff these guys did. The production switched too much from total goofiness to shit like Skaaland being serious about saving Backlund from injury and lauding Miss Elizabeth's dignity.

I also wished I'd become a wrestling manager. Never thought of that before, but I would've had a ton of fun traveling and teasing fans and getting them all worked up like Blassie or Heenan. I don't think it's the same anymore. I don't think anyone really hates the "bad guys" anymore, but back then that real animosity did more than anything to fill arenas.

Other Reviews:

• Slam! Wrestling: Managers DVD Frustrating but Entertaining

• Amazon.com Reviews — Some love it, some wished there was more.

Clew Haywood Lookalike to the Rescue for Yankees

I just noticed on one of my favorite Yankees blogs, WasWatching.com, that the Bombers have acquired Sal Fasano in an effort, as the Post says, to "upgrade" their backup catching situation.

Nevermind the fact that the Phillies, in an effort to upgrade their own catching situation, recently designated the career .225 hitter for assignment. Hell, anything's better than Kelly Stinnett and his .304 slugging percentage this season.

But I'm excited about the deal, because it brings to New York someone who bears a stark resemblance to one of the most feared Yankees in cinematic history: Clew Haywood from Major League.

Yep, "The Biggest Indian Killer of Them All" is coming to town. Too bad the Tribe isn't on the remainder of the 2006 schedule. I'd really like to get them back for Taylor's cheap-ass bunt hit. And, yes, I was rooting for the Yankees in that one, as I did the Yankees against the Bears in The Bad News Bears and the Yankees against the Hackensack Bulls in Brewster's Millions.

1991 Royals Facsimile Auto'd Ball: Only $25,000

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• eBay: Seller asks $25 large for clearly fake autos
• eBay: Leinart/Haurte auto'd football: only $10 million!
• Kids screwed on Mets' "Family Pack" tix
• Sporting News' free, 109-page fantasy football draft kit
• Pic: That's the Gay Games? Ya don't say
• LaRusso-Lawrence: One of top 50 movie rivalries
• Video: ESPNer makes like Boom/Dynamite kid
• Video: Mean Gene Okerlund sings "Tutti Fruiti"
• Randy Savage and Phil Hellmuth rumored to be next Surreal Life-ers
• Video: Rock, paper, scissors with broom shots as payback
• Slate: How baseball cards lost their luster
• Worst sports uniforms of all time
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Photos: Niagara Falls

Back in the States, in beautiful Manhattan — at least till Friday, when I head to Montreal for another bachelor party. Man, I love it when my friends get married.

Even better is that I must be on some kind of national bachelor party recruiting list, because I'm not invited to either wedding. So I reap all the weekend benefits without having to buy a food processor.

I posted a few really nice shots of Niagara Falls, some having been hit with Photoshop's Fade Posterize action (at level 15). Not sure if I should skip that feature when I print a 16x20 of this shot, which is my favorite. Too bad we didn't have clear skies on Saturday, when I snapped it.

As for the trip details ... well, you know the rules on that. All I can say is that Niagara Falls was a surprisingly great party spot for such an event. Woah, Canada!

Can't believe, though, that Niagara Falls is such a hot honeymoon destination, when it had all the sophistication and romance of a T.G.I. Fridays.

I guess I can share this funny tidbit:

We took an overnight, private party bus ride up there and, when we got to the border at 8 a.m., a customs officer boarded and ask if we had any firearms. Nope, we said. He asked if we had any explosives (or something equally uncommon). Nope, we said. He then asked if we had any alcohol. Nope, we said, even though the bus had basically been a rolling keg for eight hours. He just let us go, even though you could have smelled the booze from Syracuse.

Weekend Link Dump, Starring Fish n' Flush

Busy Friday ahead for me, as I've got to upgrade my Movable Type so PK.com doesn't get shut down again (presumably due to attack robots), play in a softball doubleheader, run out to New Jersey to board a party bus, and somehow stay awake as we drink and play poker overnight on a ride up to Niagara Falls for a bachelor party (not mine!).

In other words, if I'm alive by Sunday night's return trip, it'll be a miracle. Till Monday — when I plan to post pics (of just the Falls) — here are some links I've saved this week.

• Fish n' Flush: The Toilet Aquarium — My friends at Thrillist.com highlighted this contraption that's sure drop any home's value by at least $25,000. No animals were harmed in the making of this product, but that should come as no consolation to the fish once they've seen you wipe your ass for the 300th time.

• Top 30 Game Show Hosts of All Time — You know what hell is? Hell is having a person wearing an ugly sweatshirt and their name on a price tag jump your bones for winning $100 because they correctly guessed the price of a moped. Ladies and gentleman, Bob Barker has been to hell thousands of times. PIR vids: Dane Cook's routine | That absolute NUT Daniel going fucking crazy (Full 5-star PK.com rating on that one. He's the poster boy for spaying and neutering.)

• YouTube: Hulk Hogan and Ultimate Warrior Working Out — Not the actual wrestlers, but a couple of dudes who are dressed like them in a local gym. Fucking hilarious.

• School Paper Towels: The Least Effective Product Ever Made — My friend Pat Stack writes a brief, but brilliant, blog post on those totally useless brown paper towels we all got stuck using in high school. Ya know, the ones that absorbed absolutely jack shit? The kind no one in his right mind would ever use at home? Yeah, those.

• Buttonator — A terrific interface with which to create customized, downloadable buttons for your website. Could use a less ass-tastic name, though.

• Bird's Eye View of Famous Homes — From Yahoo! Picks, a cool tool that allows you to see satellite images of such famous homes as the Playboy mansion and the Cunningham's house from Happy Days. (Maybe including that upstairs apartment where the Fonz got all that ass, because nothing's cooler than a 5-7 guy who lives in a hardware store owner's tiny apartment in Milwaukee.) Anyway, zip around Zillow.com to see satellite images of your own home, as well as property values in the area.

• The 11 Best Chappelle's Show Skits of All Time — Cracked's list comes complete with links to YouTube clips of each sketch. No copyright violations there! My faves are the black klansman and the racial draft.

• BusinessWeek: Free and Reliable Spyware Removal — Valuable information for anyone who views online porn regularly. I think that was kind of a fad a few years ago. Not sure if anyone still does that.

• Bushisms: Stupidest George W. Bush Quotes — Can't believe there's enough server space on the Internet to host 'em all.

• Coupon Cabin — Always a good idea to search for coupons before making any significant online purchase. This place, touted this week by ResearchBuzz.com, seems like a good place to start.

• Mandarin Meg Has Passed Away — I never met Meg personally, but the web design expert used to comment over here and gave my site constant plugs with her "blogger quilts." (You can view the most recent one here; I'm one down from the top-right corner.) I was, of course, saddened to hear of her passing. Saddened because she was a creator, an artist, a person who saw and shared things that only her eyes could see and only her brain could produce. When creators pass on, they can't be replaced. They are individual. They leave bodies of work and inspire other people's creations. Thus, Meg will always live on, as do all artists who create something — words, designs, photographs, music, films, etc. — out of nothing.

My First Original MySpace Survey

I don't know if you've heard of this MySpace thing, but it seems to be catching on. Despite being the world's No. 1 threat to the welfare of teens — topping such ills as irresponsible parents — MySpace shows no signs of slowing down the rate at which people stalk casual acquaintances with whom they'd like to have sex.

It's so hot, in fact, that The New York Times is sure to feature it as "the next big online trend."

MySpace, as you may know, gives personal publishing power to people who want to connect with tech-savvy mates. The same techies who didn't know that Geocities and Angelfire provided this service a decade ago. But hey, it was harder back then to post pictures from Señor Frog's on spring break.

Someday I'll write a feature on everything I've learned through MySpace, but for now I wanted to share my first original survey, which I sent to all my "friends," including girls I added just because I thought they were hot.

(If you have a MySpace account, feel free to add me to your friends. I usually only reject obvious spam profiles and Red Sux fans.)

1. Your full name, social security number, usual internet screen name and password:

2. Have you seen me naked?

3. Have you seen me naked in that kids show I do on weekends?

4. Have you ever had a crush on me?

5. Have I ever crushed your face into a pillow?

6. If not, would you look forward to that, and what are you doing next Tuesday? (If so, how 'bout a replay next Wednesday?)

7. Would you answer any survey written by any lunatic at any time?

8. Do you have any pets, including ones nobody gives a shit about seeing pictures of?

9. Do you have a mother?

10. What do you find to be more true, that you can track who's viewing your MySpace profile or that Nigerians really want to share their fortunes with you?

11. Do you want to travel 2,000 miles with me to see that band on MySpace that I never heard of before they posted a bulletin?

12. In an effort to really understand you, I must know this: Do you prefer blue or red?

13. Have you ever looked at MySpace pictures of anyone of the same sex? (To be honest, I haven't either.)

14. Seriously, are you really friends with 16 people named Dane Cook?

15. Finally, and most important of all, have you ever counted to six by twos? I MUST KNOW!

Pitching Fundamentals From Guy Who Couldn't Keep Cap On

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• John Pacella: Baseball school's pitching expert
• "Stuart Scott + annoying" = 11,700 Google results
• Expos' 2004 Mother's Day locker nameplates are here!
• Video: "Dr. D." gives John Stossel a beatdown
• Video: Why not to try bench pressing 600 pounds
• Video: Folly Floater sends batter crawling back to dugout
• PTI part of Xbox 360's EA Sports/ESPN integration
• Only two months till 2006 Homeless World Cup
• List: Most outrageous minor-league baseball promotions
• List: Most obscure sports in the world.
• "Golf Digest Going to Fix Your Slice if it Takes Them 100,000 Issues"
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Photos: San Diego Trip

Spent the last four days in San Diego and a photo album has been posted.

I don't detail most experiences for a variety of reasons, but a few notes of interest:

• The weather was expectedly incredible.
• Spent more time in private cars and long cabs rides than I care to for the rest of the summer.
• Petco Park is another modern baseball stadium gem. Saw that 15-12 thriller Friday night, including Trevor Hoffman's blown save in his first appearance since screwing up the All-Star Game. Got a fugly duffel bag out of the outfield $5 park-seating ticket, too. The kids' sand park outside the right field wall has got to go, though.
• This pre-dirtied hat is the ugliest in the market of hideous sports caps sold today.
• Did not take a picture of the uniform worn by the "Hot Dog on a Stick" girls, because that would've been too cruel.
• Waiting an hour for a cab outside a 7-11? Not Awesome.
• Everything else was great. Baseball, boating, boozing, rock shows, etc. I'll definitely be back.
• Next two weekends to be spent in Canada for separate bachelor parties. My liver is not going to be fond of July 2006.

Jersey Article: The Readers React

I'n not privy to ESPN.com's traffic numbers, but I couldn't be more pleased by the reader reaction to my piece on what your baseball wardrobe says about you. Everyone was complimentary — save one Red Sux jackass, but who's really surprised by that? — and I took notes on the highlights that include suggested additional categories and takes on what I already mentioned.

Let's start with some pictures I received:

A. Misspelled Jerseys: This one was photographed by a friend of a friend who was at the recent Yanks-Phils series in Philadelphia. There were a ton of Yankees fans there, so I can only assume someone shot this guy in the head. Sorry, Mick. You didn't deserve this.

B. Mixed Allegiances: Exhibiting equal support for rivals — or owning jerseys of multiple teams and pulling out whichever one happens to be in first place — should come with a minimum prison sentence of 3-5 years. Or a forced marathon viewing of Quite Frankly.

C. Really Custom Jerseys: This Mets fan got a jersey made up of 21-year-old AL All-Star Scott Kazmir, who never pitched for the team, because they traded him for Victor Zambrano. Funny stuff. Both the trade and the shirt.

D. Bad Fashion Statements: I shot this one on Opening Day of a most disgusting-looking Yankees hat. Yanks and Red Sux fans responded in droves about how they can't stand seeing the variety of hat/jersey styles (pink, greeen, multi-colored, whatever) that violate their classic standards.

More Reaction Highlights:

• Names on Backs of Yankees Jerseys: Seemed like every other e-mailer mentioned a disdain for this style, which is inconsistent with what the Bombers wear on the field. It doesn't make sense, but that's what's all over the walls at Modell's, the Yankees Clubhouse Shops, etc. The "replicas," with the name, cost like $80. The "authentics," without the name, cost $180. So, this issue starts with paying $100 more for less sewn-on parts. How can you employ logic after that? The names-on-back have become a pretty accepted, and you have to figure the retail powers-that-be want to punish you (in the form of an extra $100) for having no name, because then you can recycle it (No. 12: Soriano to Phillips) if a guy gets traded. That being said, you shouldn't get a Ruth or Gehrig jersey with a name on the back. It's just too weird. But I can't fault anyone who thinks $180 is a steep price to pay for a jersey without a name, when they don't attempt to offer anything cheaper. Plus, these navy blue T-shirts with names have been a staple at Yankee Stadium for decades.

• 'No Faith in GM' Shirts: Or, as one Pirates fan reasoned, why bother getting anything but a blank-backed jersey when every budding star is shipped out after two seasons? Gotta feel for M's fans who bought three Hall of Famers — A-Rod, Griffey, Unit — only to see them leave with plenty of gas in the tank (even if Junior got in a few pileups).

• Impulse Buys: Mr. April, Chris Shelton, was mentioned a couple of times. Now Tigers fans who bought his jersey are praying that purchase doesn't develop into one of The Regrettables.

• More Gifts Gone Bad: Not baseball related, but if I was given a jersey of football star who was traded last year and tickets to a preseason game in a pedestrian city I had to fly to, I'd have to re-think the relationship.

• 'What the Hell, It's Funny Now' Jerseys: Hideki Irabu's No. 35 made the leap from a Regrettable to just plain funny. Please, Randy, don't let what happened to the fat, pussy toad happen to you! As it is now, Johnson's No. 41 is a big-time Regrettable, especially considering all the options Yankees fans have.

• Everyone Hates the All-30 Logo Look: Universal praise came in for my bashing this all-over hat. A couple of funny e-mails noted how it costs a whopping 35 Euro ($45 U.S.) and is actually sold out!

• Heard from one guy from Baltimore who bought a Lance Berkman jersey because the Astro was a fantasy baseball stud a few years ago. Huge coincidence, considering what I wrote.

• A lot of people noted their favorite quotes from the story, and they were all different. Which is great, because it means I didn't hit one part and whiff on the rest. So that was a huge relief. Anyway, hope y'all enjoyed it and thanks to everyone who helped me pimp it.

Sabres' New Logo Reminds of Donald Trump's Toupee

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Wig with horns? Nice job, Buffalo!
• Corbin Bernsen/Roger Dorn auto'ed ball at Wal-Mart
• Golf Club Blue Book: New/used price guide for duffers
• eBay: Bid on Woody Paige Cheeto for charity
• Mike Piazza excelled in at least one defensive stat
• National sports museum coming to lower Manhattan
• Video: World Cup final seconds in NYC's Little Italy
• Boston Globe feature on the UFC craze
• Video: Tecmo Bo goes 99 yards in sick TD run
• Ranking: Best current college football head coaches to hire right now
• Get yer flowers at NHL.com?
• Anniversary of Disco Demolition Night
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

My ESPN.com Page 2 Article: Your Baseball Jersey Is Talking

Many of you will recall that, in April, I wrote a post titled "What Your Yankees Jersey Says About You." It was so well-received that it's been posted on MySpace blogs, circulated via chain e-mails and, at least once, blatantly ripped off by someone who re-wrote the lead to make it look like he created it.

It also caught the attention of a former colleague, now at ESPN.com, who commissioned a similar piece geared toward a more general baseball audience.

So, today I make my ESPN.com Page 2 debut with an article titled, "Your Jersey Is Talking." In it, I riff on the folks poor saps who sport jerseys of since-departed stars, the fans decked out in 12 logos who resemble Christmas trees, wild-card celebratory gear and the like.

Hope you enjoy it.

Some of my previous work on ESPN.com's Page 3:
• Top 10 Seinfeld Sports Moments
• Top 100 Sports-Related Movie Quotes
• Top 10 Sports-Related Sitcom Characters

Is That Perfume I Smell in Left Field?

I don't know if Ed Harken has taken over for Bud Selig or what, but the guy who assigned Veronica Corningstone to cover a cat fashion show surely would get a kick out of the fact that professional baseball's only woman umpire, Double-A's Ria Cortesio, will be working one of the foul lines during tonight's home run derby.

Was anyone else even aware that umpires worked this thing? Trained, professional umpires? Isn't this a gig more apt for the Phillie Phanatic or Snoop Dogg or the highest bidder on eBay?

Prior to the World Cup Final, announcer Dave O'Brien mentioned that the ref spoke a number of languages, but neither Italian nor French was among them. I was just hoping his family would see him alive again. One day later, Corningstone Cortesio makes baseball history by working a gig that brings with it the same stress as coaching first base in a pick-up softball game.

Here's hoping Selig joins Chris Berman in the booth and waxes poetic about the advancement of diversiy in the umpring ranks. Mention something about dreams coming true, please. I could use the laughs.

So Long, World Cup Soccer. I'll Miss You (Really)

Prior to the start of the World Cup last month, I'd never heard of Zinedine Zidane, who's apparently been the world's greatest footballer of the past decade. To say I was a casual observer of the tournament would be an understatement, akin to someone watching the WBC without ever hearing of Barry Bonds (who didn't play) or Olympic basketball without ever hearing of Shaquille O'Neal (who didn't play in 2004; notice a pattern?).

But I really, really enjoyed the World Cup.

Here's what I loved:

• The Passion. Look, the obvious selling point of this whole thing is that the rest of the world cares so much. Mind you, I don't give a shit if I'm the only one who's never watched 24 or American Idol, but sports fans are my people, and 1.6 billion of them can't be wrong. If I knew half of Washington Heights lived and died on each round of televised dominoes, I might actually watch that, too. But probably not.

• The Skill. Never again will I listen to someone call soccer a pussy sport and not roll my eyes. The physical aspects (speed, power, consistency) were so evident that to not appreciate them would be plain ignorant, but the real magic was the creativity. An offense could move the ball down the field 100 different ways, and I probably saw all 100, including any combination of sprints, lobs, headers, taps, cross-field passes, etc. I often hear basketball fans lament that NBA games are boring, that players don't work hard enough. Not to sound like Roger Murdock, but that's bullshit. Turn off the sound and focus in on one player. See how much ground he covers in a few strides, how he chases a shooter around screens, blocks out a 6-10 mammoth or fronts an elusive small forward. Those guys work their asses off, to the point where the average Joe would be puking at midcourt five minutes in. Believe me on this, NBA players get 1/10th the respect they deserve for the defensive work they do, and a huge (albeit, mostly unrecognized) reason for the drop in scoring over the years is that the athleticism on the defensive end has developed just as dramatically as it has on the offensive end. This relates to soccer in two ways: you must watch just as closely to fully appreciate what they're doing athletically, and you must credit the defense for being as world-class at what they do as the offense.

• Afternoon Sports! I've got as flexible a schedule as one could hope for, and I loved having these games to tune to at 11 a.m. and 3 p.m. ET. You know what's better than saddling up to the bar for a burger, beers and early happy hour prices with tourists and fellow people of leisure? Nothing. Four years ago, the World Cup was played in Japan/Korea, and there's no such thing as a 6 a.m. happy hour. Not unless you're John Daly. This was much better.

• Zidane's Headbutt: If only Michael Irvin was around, we'd have heard him say, "Marco Materazzi got ... JACKED UP!" I watched the final in a packed Brother Jimmy's on the Upper West Side, and this was an "Oooowwwwhhh" moment. I don't even know how to spell it, but you know those kinds of reactions when everyone in the bar is agape, and you don't immediately know whether to condemn Zidane for hurting his team or congratulate him for having the nads to try to break the guy's sternum (video). I'm rating this as the equivalent of Alex Rodriguez coming up to the plate and smashing Jason Varitek over the head with his bat. Man, would I love to see that.

• The U.S. Took Their Lumps Like Men: I don't know how the rest of the world viewed Brian McBride's stoic reaction when he was bloodied by a cheap Italian elbow to the face, but that moment, to me, defined the Americans' defiance to a lot of the pussified theatrics that's apparently part of the game. As I mentioned previously, Ghana fouled us twice as many times (32-16) as we did them, yet we were much more unlikely to be writhing on the turf after an infraction. Cool stuff.

• World Cup Hotties: The 'Net hosts so many photo galleries of slutted-up fans and models dressed in their nation's colors that it became a joke like three days into this thing. A beautiful, orgasmic joke. I think I saw everything but a chick shooting a mini-penalty shot out of her crotch. And even that might be in my e-mail right now. These hi-res galleries of World Cup models in bodypaint ensure that I'll keep the 2006 tournament close at hand.

Here's what kinda blew:

• They Still All Play the Same (To Me): Clearly, I'm no socceroo. And I should really watch more games with those who are. Because I saw Italy play maybe four games and still couldn't tell you how they differ from the several other teams I saw play multiple times. I know they love that ass spray and all, but I couldn't tell you what their strong points are, how they try to take advantage of that or how teams try to attack them.

• The U.S. Sucked Total Ass: Remember how we got blasted by the Czechs, who lost to Ghana, who lost to Brazil, who lost to France, who lost to Italy? Remember how we put four shots on goal in three games, scoring only once on our own merit? Remember how some people told us we had a chance to make noise at this party? Well, I want to kill them.

Here's what was just plain interesting:

• For Me, Soccer Still Happens, Doesn't Develop: I know that endurance and fouls change the way the game in played, but damn if I can tell. I've often made the analogy that if a friend recorded a soccer game for me, spliced it up into five-minutes segments and mixed everything around, I wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Such is not the case in American football, where drama ebbs and flows with each change of down and distance, with each creep toward (or away) from the goal line. Same with baseball, where there is a building turbulence with each baserunner. Soccer has dramatic moments, for sure. They happen. But damn if I can tell why they didn't happen two minutes earlier, or predict whether it'll happen two minutes later.

World Cup Links:

• A Billion Reasons (and More) to Be Wary of TV Viewing Figures — FIFA's reported figures include "anyone who saw any bit of the match at all, for any length of time, at any time, on television, including on news items afterwards, if only for a few seconds." If you use that model, at least 8 trillion people watched the Paris Hilton sex video. Seriously, is there anyone who hasn't seen at least a screen grab of that?

Photos: Top of the Rock - Take II

I wasn't thrilled with my photos the last time I visited the Top of the Rock, the observatory deck atop Rockefeller center that reopened last year, so I gave it another shot Friday evening under clear skies.

This time the results are better. Again, there are three main views (those of the Empire State Building, Central Park and MetLife Building), which might seem a little repetitive after awhile, but the first six pics in this new Top of the Rock photo album are nice.

As always, click inside each pic to navigate to the next shot.

A couple of the things I worked on:

• Using the Burn tool in Photoshop, as advised last time by my friend Clay Enos, to darken too-light skies and washed-out details.

• Overcoming (as much as possible) slanted buildings that occur when the camera is tilted by cropping with the Perspective option checked.

Conan O'Brien's Commencement Speech at Stuyvesant High School

When it comes to commencementes addresses, the top spot had always been owned by Thornton Melon in Back to School. The wisdom of such advice as "You gotta look out for No. 1, just don't step in No. 2," is as relevant in 2006 as it was in 1986, even though you couldn't imagine Robert Downey, Jr. today co-starring in a movie with Burt Young and William Zabka.

But I think found something better.

Conan O'Brien's recent commencement speech at Stuyvesant High School is a first-rate piece of writing. His message centers around doing what makes you happy, but the address itself is a lesson in joke-telling. Some excerpts:

[On the history of the NYC school, which he claimed to have researched on Wikipedia "not five minutes ago on my Blackberry"]: "In 1969, girls were admitted to Stuyvesant for the first time. This started a new trend among the boys called showering. You didn't want to be here pre-1969."

"Today, Stuyvesant has a remarkably diverse and varied student body, ranging from math geeks to science nerds."

[On upcoming college years]: "If you want to get out of a test, don't say you have a family emergency. Everyone says they have a family emergency in college and it never works. Say you have diarrhea. No one ever says they have diarrhea unless they do."

"If something intrigues you, take a small chance. You might just find your entire life you've been planning on. It could be biophysics, it could be medicine, could be puppetry, could be ultimate fighting, beekeeping, government, or whatever the hell it is Ryan Seacrest does. Don't really know what that is. "

"Tonight, many of you will party — it could get pretty rockin'. All I ask is that you remember to stop for a moment, take out your cell phone, and invite me along. My home number is 212-664-3737. Seriously, I have no plans."

More Commencement Speeches:

• Stephen Colbert at Knox College (2006) — "I have two last pieces of advice. First, being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for it. And lastly, the best career advice I can give you is to get your own TV show. It pays well, the hours are good, and you are famous. And eventually some very nice people will give you a doctorate in fine arts for doing jack squat."

• Will Ferrell at Harvard's Class Day (2003) — "Some of you will be captains of industry and business. Others of you will go on to great careers in medicine, law and public service. Four of you — and I'm not at liberty to say which four — will go on to magnificent careers in the porno industry. I'm not trying to be funny. That's just a statistical fact."

• Kermit the Frog at Southampton College (1996) — "On behalf of frogs, fish, pigs, bears and all of the other species who are lower than you on the food chain, thank you for dedicating your lives to saving our world and our home." (Seriously, there's nothing funny in this thing.)

• Jon Stewart at William & Mary (2004) — "I am honored to be here and to receive this honorary doctorate. When I think back to the people that have been in this position before me from Benjamin Franklin to Queen Noor of Jordan, I can't help but wonder what has happened to this place. Seriously, it saddens me. As a person, I am honored to get it; as an alumnus, I have to say I believe we can do better. And I believe we should. But it has always been a dream of mine to receive a doctorate and to know that today, without putting in any effort, I will. It's incredibly gratifying. Thank you."

• George W. Bush at U.S. Merchant Marine Academy (2006) — "I've a message for the Iranian regime: America and our partners are united."

Interesting note: This 2004 article reported on the high percentage of left-leaners on the commencement-speech circuit: "Of the top 15 universities, 10 are having politically active speakers; nine of those speakers are liberals or Democrats."

The idea that the country's brightest educators and students are more apt to lean left does not surprise me at all. Among the U.S. News & World Report's ranking of top national universities, only one school in the top 16 (Duke) resides in a state that re-elected Bush.

Media Whiffed on Dumb & Dumber

Personal movie tastes very so greatly that it seems illogical to rely on a single reviewer to recommend or reject a specific flick. Not to mention that too many reviews spoil twists and act as self-fulfilling prophesies, influencing a viewer's reaction. That's why I use Metacritic, which aggregates reviews into scores from 1-100 on movies, video games, books and more, while providing non-spoiling excerpts underneath links to complete articles from a wide range of entertainment media sources.

It's also fun to look back at the scores tallied on long-ago pop-culture releases. And I did just that for Dumb & Dumber, a cinematic masterpiece that got an average media review of 39 out of 100. That's barely higher than 1½ stars out of 4.

Only one source, the San Francisco Chronicle, scored it a 100, while almost everyone else panned it, none worse than the Washington Post's Rita Kempley, who described it as an "abominable, abdominal comedy."

Thus, Kempley and I could never be friends. I just could never hang with anyone who didn't laugh at such memorable quotes as Lloyd's reaction to being told his chances of hooking up with Mary Swanson were about one in a million: "So you're telling me there's a chance. Yeah! I read ya." (Audio clips.)

Here's the best part, though. The average rating from 33 Metacritic users is 9 out of 10, with perfect scores littering the comments section. Did the media whiff on this thing or what?

Today's Web Finds:

• 10 Worst Celebrity Music Video Crossovers — A compilation of YouTube finds, unearthing regrettable moments in the careers of such people as Eddie Murphy, Aylssa Milano and David Hasselhoff. Of course, Milano was only about 16 when she did "What a Feeling." I don't know what Hasselhoff's excuse is. (Thanks, Scott)

• Docs Remove 119 Nails From Woman's Stomach — They were rusty, so doctors think she swallowed them months ago. Must've made for some very anxious turns on the toilet.

• Amanda Beard Photoshoot in FHM — Sexiest paintballer I've ever seen. I think I heard her mention that hobby in that video under the copy.

• Church Preaches How 'Jesus Loves Porn Stars' — Jesus loves porn stars just as much as he does pastors and soccer moms, XXXchurch contends. But probably not as much as I love soccer moms who post porn online.

• 27 Worst Family Feud Answers — For example, one contestant was asked to "name a classical music composer everyone knows." The No. 1 answer was Mozart. He says, "Julio Iglesias." (Found on Smit Happens)

• Yankees Midseason Report Card — I might do my own if I find time, but for now check out Steve Lombardi's from WasWatching.com.

Review: Wordplay

What's a 45-letter phrase for a place where dorks sing along to "If you don't come across, I'm gonna be down?" The 28th annual American Crossword Puzzle Tournament, the focus this light-hearted and interesting documentary on a big part of many Americans' daily routine. For some of those folks, such as the top-rated competitors profiled, maybe too much of a part.

Wordplay provides background on the crossword's mass appeal (attributed in large part to The New York Times), documents how puzzles are submitted to the paper and edited by Will Shortz, and interviews celebrities such as Bill Clinton, Mike Mussina and Jon Stewart on their routine.

The stars, however, are the otherwise unknown masters of their domain, wordsmiths who rip through crosswords in a fashion that takes the game to another level. Call it passion. Call it obsession. Call a doctor.

I've always said that any contest is compelling if the stakes are high enough. That's what draws us to American Idol, high-risk (and high-reward) game shows like Deal or No Deal and tournament poker. We need real winners and real losers, not just participants happy to be there. Often, that great stake is monetary. Here it's the more abstract justification of practicing hours a day for years, unlike, say picking a briefcase with a dollar amount in it.

This film does a good job bringing out the human emotion that's a necessary ingredient to making us care about something we ordinary would tune out. A crossword tournament? Who gives a shit? But here it works.

Some notes:

• Best part was Clinton brazenly doing his Times crossword in felt-tip pen, and kicking ass at it. I know I'm not the only one who was wondering how Dubya would fare.

• Jon Stewart was hilarious, throwing out barbs to Shortz as he solved in a Sharpie. And, at least once, regretting it.

• Mussina's bit was worthless. Mentioned some kind of metaphor about completing a puzzle and completing a game. Yawn.

• As he was in Ken Burns' Baseball documentary, Daniel Okrent was the star non-participant. Insightful and personable. You can tell he's usually the smartest guy in the room.

• Ric Burns talked about crosswords being the fabric of New York City or some shit. So over the top, it was funny.

• Could have used a lot more discussion about strategy and odes to some common answers, like a four-letter word for "lyric poems of some length, usually of a serious or meditative nature." Answer: O-D-E-S. Would have liked to have seen a crossword Hall of Fame, maybe first-ballet inductees for A-L-T-O, T-E-N-O-R, O-B-O-E and even things that aren't music-related.

• I'm all for hobbies and passions, but balance is required, unless you want to be known only as "the crossword guy." Ellen Ripstein shot back at critics, saying, "Oh yeah, what are you the best in the country at?" Good stuff, but you also see her clumsily twirling a baton in Central Park, later walking in the rain with a busted umbrella. They may know synonyms of fashion but they don't know how to dress well. They may know 12 ways to say wit, but can't deliver it. But if they're happy, they're happy, and that's cool.

Wordplay Links:

• Wordplay Rewiews on Metacritic — Gets a pretty good score of 73 out of 100, when media reviews are aggregated. I agree with one of the user reviews who would have liked something more substantive. It was light and fun, but this audience isn't one to dumb down to. Interesting to see there's a comment from a guy named "Paul K." Not me.

• BestCrosswords.com — Free Java-based crossword puzzles to complete online. Red-letter flags tell you when you're wrong, and your score will go down as a result. Find more by searching Google.

• Tyler: The Director's Cut — LiveJournal blog of the youngest, and maybe most normal-acting, top competitor in the tourney.