PaulKatcher.com

What Your Yankees Shirt Says About You

Being a Yankees fan isn't as easy as it looks.

Sure, we have the best players and the most championships and that auto-renewing account with Champagne wholesalers, but, with real estate prices as they are in New York, our closets simply are not big enough to fit jerseys and T-shirts of every Hall of Famer or current All-Star.

That means fans must choose but one or two players to represent in the stands of the Cathedral of Baseball. These decisions are obviously not easy, unlike in Kansas City, where you buy a #5 George Brett and be done with it. (Why, oh why, couldn't I have been born a Royals fan? They get all the breaks!)

Yankees fans' choice of jersey also says a lot about who they are. Here's what I've observed:

#1 Billy Martin: You remember exactly where you were when Aaron Boone dusted off the 2003 Red Sux — in the men's room, pissing out your 12th beer.

#2 Derek Jeter: Everyone loves Jeter, of course. But not everyone wears Jeter. A guy like me kinda can't, for two reasons a) I don't wanna seem like I jumped on the post-1996 bandwagon; and b) I'm not a trashy chick who wears tight pink jerseys and drinks at Stan's cesspool. (From here on, said fans will be referred to as "Skankees.")

#3 Babe Ruth: Not as prevalent as you might think, considering he's the most iconic baseball player ever. I don't think people really believe a guy who was "nothing more than a fat old man, with little-girl legs" really did dominate the sport. The guy was portrayed by John Goodman, for fuck's sake.

#4 Lou Gehrig: You see these occasionally. Actually has New York roots and was a legend without baggage. You're probably a lawyer with nothing in your memorabilia collection worth less than $1,000.

#5 Joe DiMaggio: You're a cheap asshole. Or you didn't read the book.

#6 Joe Torre: You keep score at the game and sit in the no-alcohol section. Obviously, I've never seen one.

#7 Mickey Mantle: You think gas prices would be only $2.10 a gallon if the Mick hadn't tripped on that sprinkler in the 1951 World Series.

#8 Yogi Berra: You rate personality over looks.

#9 Roger Maris: You long for the day when Mark McGwire cries on 60 Minutes.

#10 Phil Rizzuto: You hit .250 in Little League.

#11 Gary Sheffield: You grew up in Scarsdale, but wear it to look hard.

#12 Wade Boggs: I don't care if you were wearing it when the Yankees won the 1996 World Series. You really need to buy a new shirt. It's been nine years since he was on the team.

#13 Alex Rodriguez: You've moved on from the 1996-2000 dynasty clubs. Let go already. The more you boo an MVP, the more you discredit what those teams did, because you're saying they did the expected, not the incredible.

#14 Lou Piniella: You flipped off someone while driving to the Stadium. Maybe two.

#15 Thurman Munson: There's a 99.999% chance you have a mustache. You're around 45 and haven't worn a suit since your best friend got married in 1989.

#16 Whitey Ford: Your last name is Ford. Otherwise, I can't see Mantle-era fans sporting this one.

#18: Johnny Damon: Wow, you hate the Red Sux. Wearing this one in Boston is akin to walking around with your middle fingers raised. (I wholeheartedly support this, by the way.)

#19 Aaron Boone: Wow, you really hate the Red Sux. This one was clearly bought between 12:16 a.m. on October 16, 2003, and when he blew out his knee in the offseason. A great one to wear at Fenway, obviously.

#20 Bucky Dent: Wow, you really, really hate the Red Sux. The perfect Fenway wardrobe. You might also be a chick who just thinks he was hot.

#21 Paul O'Neill: You love baseball and probably play on four softball teams, like I do.

#22 Robinson Cano: You're probably Dominican. Who knows? (Nice start by him, by the way.)

#23 Don Mattingly: You're between 27 and 37, and you never had another favorite player. Mere mentions of names like Chuck Cary, Melido Perez and Alvaro Espinoza rip through you like sharp knives. No one could ever call you a front-runner because you were part of the paltry 21,589 average attendance in 1992. The 1995 Game 5 loss in Seattle was the worst Sunday night of your life.

#24 Tino Martinez: Just like O'Neill fans, but more popular with the Skankees. You boo A-Rod even though Tino batted .231 with a .321 OBP and a .351 SLG in 21 postseason series (99 games, 356 AB, two series with Seattle included).

#25 Jason Giambi: Another Skankee fave. You're still thinking of how to gracefully defend the guy for using steroids. Apart from that, you just say, "Like you wouldn't for $100 million, asshole."

#27 Kevin Brown: I actually saw one once. A foreign-looking guy pulled one out of a bag in the Stadium last year. Must've found it in the $5 clearance bin or something. The number is obviously desecrated forever.

#33 David Wells: You're really fucking cheap, because he's hated now. Get rid of it!

#35 Mike Mussina: You're a chick. Period.

#41 Randy Johnson: You see only a few of these. Not popular with the Skankees.

#42 Mariano Rivera: Every year he gets more popular. Man, I hope he remains a Yankee till the end, but it's not a role you can string out, like Bernie's.

#44 Reggie Jackson: Humility is not your strong point.

#45 Carl Pavano: You're Carl Pavano's mother.

#46 Andy Pettitte: You found your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend in bed with someone else, but you can't shake the good memories.

#49 Ron Guidry: You're one of the minority of Yankees fans who loves fishing.

#51 Bernie Williams: His is an old T-shirt you just can't throw away. Been with ya through the good times and the bad.

#55 Hideki Matsui: You always pay your taxes on time. You might also have earlobes the size of large pizzas.

#69 Your Own Name: You're a complete assclown.

Go Ahead, Rate My Turban

You've seen Rate My Exposed Thong. You've voted at Rate My Mullet. And god knows you've spent hours at Rate My Poo.

But have you come across Rate My Turban?

Finally, a chance to tell the world what you think of a headpiece that would keep Derek Jeter from getting laid at a Grey's Anatomy viewing party.

Here's how I voted: sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks...

As the immortal Al Czervic would say, "Oh, it looks good on you, though!"

Today's Web Finds:

• Video: Man Throws Up on Stripper's Ass During Lapdance — "This is the best party of my life!" he yells, before making it the worst one of hers. (Found on Gorilla Mask)

• Craig's List's Best: A Stripper's Rant — Keeping with theme... I was enjoying these venomous digs at customers who think they're too cool for school, until I got to where she lambasted fellow dancers for leaving a "pole smell," encouraging them to do a little hygiene check. Anyone else feel like throwing up right now? (Found on The Airing of Grievances)

• SI.com: Jenn Sterger's Mailbag — Can't hate on her for taking advantage of opportunity, but if Curt Schilling paid me $1 million to kick him square in the nuts, it would shock me less than seeing the "Facebook Princess" get her own writing gig — and front-page promotion — with the same site that employs Peter King, Paul Zimmermann and Rick Reilly. Theses questions are beyond pathetic — "Does it bother you that people refer to you as Cowgirl?" Why would it, and who could possibly care? I thought everyone was just interested in her topless photo in Playboy. She also maintains a blog that's more intelligible than people might expect.

• Photos: Stacy Keibler in Vegas Magazine — I barely recognize her with all that eye shadow. Gotta say I dig perky Stacy better.

• The Onion: Search For Wallet Self-Narrated — I'm an expert at losing shit on drunken nights, and I always start the day-after search by saying to myself: "Well, I usually throw my stuff here on the counter, but I had to piss really badly, so I ran to the bathroom and and ... um, that's all I remember. Oh, well."

• Cindy Margolis Agrees to Pose for Playboy — I previously ranked her as the fifth-best score Hef could make, behind Spears, Alba, Aniston and Keibler. Oh, and Janet Reno. That would be a big seller.

Kris Benson Rediscovering the Whore He First Fell in Love With

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Sports Pickle reports on Bensons' reconciliation
• Deadspin: NFL draft drinking game
• T-Shirt: "What Happens at a Duke Lacrosse Party Stays at a Duke Lacrosse Party"
• Site taking bets on Shaun Alexander Madden jinx
• Maxim: Most whipped athletes photo gallery
• Royals' Double-A player's rookie card nets $1,000+
• Bob Golic can't shake Saved By the Bell: The College Years
• Sux-funded park solicits money from Steinbrenner
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Any 'Normal' People Wanna Be Filmed Spying on Neighbors?

Due to spammer-necessitated registration, comments here are at an all-time low, but traffic is at an all-time high — about 7,000 visits a day — and that means my mailbox is hit daily with some unique correspondence. None more interesting, lately, than that from Germans.

I recently wrote about an article that appeared in a German newspaper touting PK.com as a place to find voyeuristic photos of New Yorkers spying on their neighbors. Photos that don't exist. But that doesn't stop me from getting e-mails like this:

Dear Paul,

I am so sorry to bother you but I was wondering if you would be so kind to tell me if you might be able to help us. For a major German Television network, we are trying to film a report about voyeurs in New York. We are trying to find a normal person who we can film using binoculars to peer into other people's apartments in Manhattan. The report would not air in the USA.

Do you have any suggestions?

Thanks so much,
[Name Withheld]

All this because I mentioned that my 11th-floor apartment looks into about 200 others, and I joked about throwing BYOB (Bring Your Own Binoculars) parties. Hyperbole is apparently lost on the Germans. So I declined their offer — in part because I'm not heavily medicated at the moment — but I'm throwing it out there, because some woman said I could solicit replies to this address (not even hers) if my readers are interested in participating.

So, just to be clear: If you're a "normal person" and want to be filmed while you "peer into other people's apartments in Manhattan," send a note using the link above.

I can't imagine that being a bad decision at all.

Now a Couple of Related Anecdotes:

• I was once at my computer, with the blinds drawn, as usual, when a couple of teen-aged assclowns started shooting into my apartment some stupid red laser, from a couple of blocks away. I was bothered, of course, and quickly came up with an idea to freak them out. I stood at the window while they cackled and celebrated their annoyance. I waved at them to let them know I was aware of where the laser was coming from, then fired my digital camera's flash a few times, pretending to take super-zoom pictures that I could then turn into their building's doorman or something. These kids immediately FREAKED, ducking down so fast it was like they fell into a trap floor panel in Montgomery Burns' office. I never saw the red laser again.

• I once did an interview in my apartment for Israeli television on the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue franchise. One of their natives was appearing in the latest edition or something. Anyway, I have almost every swimsuit issue since the late '70s in my collection of just about every important SI since that time, just as I collect classic TIME magazines. I never saw the edited segment, and I regret doing it, because the interviewer tried to set me up as a total perv, asking me things like, "And what do you do when you look at these magazines?" Um, think of banging your mom again?

Other New York Links:

• Cheapo New York — Travel and lodging advice for tourists. Eats and thrills suggestions for locals. All for tightwads like me.

• NYC's Public Golf Courses — Manhattan User's Guide shares addresses, phone numbers and quickie reviews of our area's public courses. Prices have gone up quite a bit in the last few years, but the cost is not nearly as dreadful as the pace of play from these hackers.

• Vidocity — A video-based site reporting on the latest NYC happenings. Hosted by Tiffany Simons, who's got a great set of cans.

• NYCBP.com Reloads — My friend Kevin is back to writing about the dive-bar scene in New York.

• AOL City Guide: Dining and Nightlife Winners — See winning selections in categories such as First-Date Spots, Dive Bars, Singles Scene and more.

Carpenter Caught Working in the Nude ... Again

Percy Honniball, a 50-year-old carpenter from California, is obviously not a Seinfeld fan. If he was, he'd be aware that there is "good naked" (like the supermodel on a French beach kind), and there is "bad naked," like when Jerry was using a belt sander in "The Apology."

If Honniball was a fan, he probably wouldn't have been arrested for working in the buff, despite having been placed on probation for three similar violations of city ordinance.

There are all kinds of nuts (so to speak) out there, so I'm not surprised a carpenter would hang his tool perilously close to hammers, nails and glue guns. But I'm intrigued that skilled labor is so in demand that the man still finds work after being busted a few times. Who does this guy call on for references?

Today's Web Finds:

• Top 10 Windows XP Tips Of All Time — These tips are actually quite involved. Ya know the kind where you're surveying and deleting files you never heard of, and you figure there's a 10% chance you'll end up frying your whole computer. So you're like, "Fuck it, I'll just let that notification window I always close come up another thousand times."

• The Most Expensive Zip Codes — Forbes' annual list ranks Sagaponack (translation: tucked genitals), in Suffern, N.Y., as the country's most expensive area. Being able to afford a home with a median sale price of $2.79 million must take away the sting of admitting you live in a place called Sagaponack.

• AlexaDex: People Making 'Money' on PaulKatcher.com — I hadn't heard of this stock-market for domains till it showed up in my referrals last week. Seems everyone who bought PK.com stock sold it at a higher price. Buy! Buy! Buy!

• Baseball Prospectus: Adjusted Standings — The reason I think people should by disappointed, and maybe frustrated, but certainly not worried, by the Yankees' 9-8 start, is exactly what's displayed here. Having the largest run differential in the majors, we should be better off in the win column. It's just been bad timing. A couple more hits here for us, a couple less hits there for our opponents, and we could just as easily be 11-6 or something. But we couldn't just as easily be 6-11, because our wins have been more convincing than the losses.

• Black Light Tattoos — At first I thought these were stickers or something, but I guess it's permanent ink. Maybe if you hang out in clubs a lot, these might look cool for awhile. But are you gonna find yourself under a lot of black lights between the ages of, say, 40 and 80? 'Cause that's like four decades or something.

• Pee Wee Herman Satin Jacket — Wear it to your next circle jerk! The seller says it was given to him by his brother-in-law, from when he work on Pee Wee's Big Adventure, which came out in 1985. And he saved it 21 years ... why?

You Can't Stop Debbie Downer!

Even though I try to stay generally upbeat in this space — I never thought persistent complaining was an ingredient to satisfied readership, though the bitching blogger arena is pretty crowded — a coworker once joked about me, "Paul's not happy unless he's unhappy."

Then another coworker followed, "Yeah, and even then he's not happy."

To this day I get a laugh out of that, still wondering if I can spin that into me being always happy.

So, of course I got a chuckle out of last weekend's Debbie Downer sketch on Saturday Night Live, starring Rachel Dratch as the glass-ain't-even-near-half-empty sap who drags down her friends while attending a bachelorette party in Vegas male strip club.

To wit:

"Hey, can anyone open up this Citrucel packet? I haven't moved my bowels since our layover in Phoenix. I guess that's what they mean by the power of cheese."

Best check out the video now, as I think SNL is pretty vigilant about getting its videos taken down from the 'Net, due to something called "copyright infringement," which I'm not too familiar with. Thus, the Coin Slot lubrication sketch video was taken off YouTube. (Though NBC didn't quite stop the spread of the Lazy Sunday rap. I'm sure the network is ruing all the free attention that thing got.)

So, as I'm writing this, I find out that Debbie Downer is a recurring character and has her own entry on Wikipedia. This is great news, because I felt like such a loser for giving my liver a break and not going out last Saturday, but now I know I was out the last six times she appeared. Awesome.

Today's Web Finds:

• Packers To Favre: 'Take Your Time, Asshole' — Relax, it's a report from The Onion, but hilarious all the way through. Said GM Ted Thompson, "This is a big decision for Brett Favre, and we can't deny that he's the heart and soul of our team, the most important Packer, the most important person in all of America, and the center of the whole entire universe."

• IMDB: Actress Has One Credit, As 'Woman Who Urinates Herself' — Still looking for a part in which she craps herself, I guess. Gorilla Mask found a video of the urinating-herself scene in a movie called Threads, which seems to be a British version of The Day After, one that sports very favorable reviews on IMDB.

• ESPN.com Page 2: Baseball's Most Valuable Players — A well-researched piece that does the "what if everyone started from scratch" thing. A-Rod comes in at No. 3 behind Albert Pujols (fair enough) and David Wright, which I would debate. I have no reason to think Wright won't be a great player. None. But he could have a Hall of Fame career and still not be what A-Rod (career stats) has been for a decade (and, at 30, perhaps a decade more).

• T-Shirt: Ask Me About My Very Large and Attractive Penis — I may have linked to something similar before (and I think a Flinger's-like button would be funnier), but I still get a laugh out of it.

• This Boring Headline Is Written for Google — The New York Times reports on a writing trend, editors being conscious about how attractive their headlines are for search engines — ya know, something I've been doing for years. Hey, welcome to 2000! Does this mean the Yankees are still defending champions? Search-friendly headlines do not have to be boring, however.

• Top 10 Best Designed Blogs — Interesting. Not sure if I agree. I like a pic to accompany every post, obviously.

• "Keibler" Search on Photobucket — Ha! Check out the dude in the second row. Not what most people are searching for, I'd imagine.

• Apple Reports 8.5 Million iPods Sold in Single Quarter — I swear this iPod thing is gonna take off soon. Look for The New York Times to report on it in a couple of years.

Kill the Keg! Eight Mascots That Must Die

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Dartmouth's Keggy must die a slow death
• Duke lacrosse items selling well on eBay
• NCAA Football 07's foolish new feature
• Tommy Lasorda brags about his sixth Hall of Fame
• Gary Sheffield hates fantasy baseball geeks
• Awesome poker odds chart
• Track Baseball America's top prospects from last decade
• Slim free-agent pickings in upcoming MLB offseason
• Happy birthday to tennis hottie Maria Sharapova
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Don't Look Now, Your Mama's Got Her Boobs Out

When designers discovered Flash technology, they nearly ruined the Internet.

Useless splash pages that led to the clever Skip Intro! site. Interfaces that disallowed individual URLs for critical pages, so that users were prevented from bookmarking, e-mailing or linking to (from their own sites) directions to businesses or specific pictures from impactful photo galleries. Not to mention strictly timed slideshows that dictated to the user how quickly he could skip from Point A to Point B. (Would you buy a newspaper with pages that turned on a timer?)

Then someone discovered that Flash is best used for short films like Mama's Got Her Boobs Out, and the Internet grew to become the invaluable information resource it is today, a place to find such items as the Colt Anal Douche on Amazon.com.

Today's Web Finds:

• F-Shaped Pattern For Reading Web Content — Web usability expert Jakob Nielsen's latest edition of Alertbox illustrates how users scan pages in a F-shape, reading the first couple of parts horizontally and then scanning vertically. I do this all the time when I'm surfing porn.

• Next NYC Mondo Porno Party Set For Fri., April 28 — This occasional rock 'n' porn extravaganza is slated for next Friday at the righteous Arlene's Grocery. At the last one, I was ordering a beer at the bar when I snagged one-handed a flying DVD of Vacuum Hoes #3. It was a tremendous feat of coordination and complete filth. Of course, I'll be back for #4!

• Suit: Hooters Staff Trainer Suggested Waitresses Put Out for Extra Bucks — A lawsuit claims that a trainer in an Alabama Hooters suggested to female waitresses: "If you need the extra money, go ahead and suck a dick or fuck a customer if the money is right." Where was this kind of customer service in Clearwater, Fla., last month?

• Google Video's Top 100 Index — I don't know how Google arrives at this ranking (viewed? recommended? whacked-off to?), but the top 100 are right here.

• Video: Red Sux Fan Serenaded By 'Asshole' Chant at Yankee Stadium — Honeslty, I think it's 5% funny and 95% sad. We can do better than that. Last week at the Stadium, a grown man seated near us was forced to turn inside-out his "Boston Sucks" T-shirt. He came into an afternoon baseball game as a posterboard of crassness and left looking like a hobo.

• 2006 Webby Awards Nominations — Anyone care about the Webbys anymore? My god, people used to fly to San Francisco for these things. I know when I think of great sports sites, I think of T-systems Hightech Sailing. It's up against ESPN.com.

• Where All the Jews At? — Gothamist finds a U.S. map that highlights where in the U.S. people of the Jewish faith reside. Don't look like there's a lot of gefilte fish being sold in Nebraska.

• Cougar: A Guide for Older Women Dating Younger Men — So, I'm just now learning about this "cougar" thing, the notion of emotionally and financially stable, older women hunting younger men for no-strings trysts. I wish Trump would finally build a god-damn bar under the buildings down my street so I can find out for myself.

• Cocktale Confessions — Has the title a gay man's blog, but it's written by my friend Jo, a veteran bartender at Doc Holliday's in Alphabet City and all-around super-cool chick. Check out her 10 commandments for tipping, you cheapstakes.

Review: The Last Night of the Yankee Dynasty

The Last Night of the Yankee Dynasty, Buster Olney's tale of the 1996-2001 Yankees, set against the backdrop of their heartbreaking Game 7 loss to the Diamondbacks, made me feel like I'd just eaten a bucket of popcorn.

Like an involuntary reaction to popcorn in my lap, I couldn't keep my paws of this book, despite the fact it never quite wowed me. This wasn't the tasting menu at Per Se, just popcorn. Light and familiar, a nice treat without much of a lasting impression.

About 15% of Last Night is a chronicle of the loss in Arizona, with the remaining 85% providing stories about the Yankee principals involved. Stories of their acquisition or development by New York, on-field performances, clubhouse presence and off-field demeanor. Or, in the case of George Steinbrenner, stories of him being a dickhead bully.

Stories I knew already.

That's not to say I knew everything already — Olney's best inside stuff recounts hits and misses from the GM's perspective, including 11th-hour deal-making and deal-breaking — but I think this is one of those books that casual baseball fans are likelier to love than season-ticket holders who read about these guys every day for years and know how it all turns out.

Olney's job wasn't easy. It's not like New York newspaper writers keep secrets like they used to. We know David Wells was a pain in the ass. We know El Duque was moody. That's why Last Night could never have the seismic impact of Richard Ben Cramer's Joe Dimaggio: The Hero's Life, which, through years of meticulous research, blew the doors off our perception of the Yankee Clipper.

Couple of nagging issues I have, though I do give Last Night a favorable rating, because I thought it was cleverly put together and well-written:

• If the story is about the crushing blow in Arizona, why is the cover pic of Mariano Rivera in a home uniform? This has driven me crazy since it was published.

• On page 64, Olney on Yankees fans' love for manager Buck Showalter before the 1995 ALDS: "Showalter, after all, had received the loudest cheers during the pregame introductions just before the series with Seattle began." Uh, come again? Don Mattingly owned the Bronx those two nights.

In Five Words or Less: Those Were the Daaaaaaaays!

Twin Killing: Bombers Are Road Kill Again in Minnesota

Well, that sucked a healthy amount of donkey dick.

Saturday's 6-5 loss to the Twins means the Yankees have dropped their third straight road series to open the season, are 2-6 on the road and sit in last place, despite having scored the most runs (71), while allowing the third-fewest (49), among 14 American League teams.

Timing is everything, and for us it's been next to nothing.

I don't know if you can put much stock in anything after only 11 games — not when last place means two games out of first place, and you haven't played a division rival yet — but here are some thoughts:

• That was your typical Mariano Rivera loss, huh? Starting and ending with some bullshit hit. Justin Morneau's bat-splintering bloop made Luis Gonzalez's 2001 clincher look like Mickey Mantle's 565-foot blast at Washington D.C.'s Griffith Stadium. Mo's two strikeouts prior were vintage Sandman, though. He just found a couple of bats in the wrong spot.

• Hideki Matsui made a bad decision throwing to third base on that hit-and-run after Luis Castillo's second Willie "Mays" Hayes-like "oops" hit of the evening. Mike & the Mad Dog were commenting the other day that Godzilla's horrendous out there, but I never really noticed. He fumbles, bumbles and stumbles sometimes, but I didn't have the impression he was below average.

• Jaret Wright was a disaster. That's not a tongue twister, but you might be saying that 15 times fast this season. Trying to figure out who's gonna contribute more this season, him or Carl Pavano, is like deciding which Nigerian royal to wire money to.

• Gotta feel bad for Scott Proctor. He was great in long relief, even though I wrote, when he came in to pitch the bottom of the ninth in Oakland, that "he might as well have carried a white flag with him." Face it, I wouldn't use him in a video game, let alone one that counted in the standings, but I was glad to see him own the mound for 3 1/3 innings. Gotta give an A+ on that Proctor-ology exam.

• Neither Michael Kay nor Bobby Murcer commented on Joe Torre's decision to not load the bases — and set up a force-out at home or a game-ending double play — in the bottom of the ninth. The ensuing events made it a moot point, but I thought it was worth mentioning, at least, that Torre thought a potential game-tying walk was too great a risk.

• That 0-for-4 with three strikeouts is gonna keep Andy Phillips on the bench for awhile, huh?

• Looks like we'll miss Roy Halladay on our two-game swing through Toronto next week, meaning the Yankees will not have to face a fourth former Cy Young Award winner so early in the season. They've fared quite well against the other three, pounding Barry Zito and Bartolo Colon, and giving Johan Santana (6 1/3, 4 runs, 8 hits, 2 walks, no-decision) a bit of trouble.

Photos: Opening Day(s) at Yankee Stadium

I spent the last three afternoons at Yankee Stadium, where the Bombers swept the inept Royals (9-7, 12-5, 9-3) to advance to 5-4 and keep alive the dream of a 81-0 home record.

Here are 15 photos from the opening series.

Some of the photo highlights:
• Jeter fan's ice cream dream. Among a sea of wankers, you can still find family-friendly images at sporting events. Hope his dad got my e-mail with the pic attached.
• River Ave. floods with people. This was shot right after Tuesday's opener. Good god, what an ugly crew.
• Getting into Gate 4. The best thing about the opener was that everyone was wearing Yanks gear. The next two days were a lot more casual, but this one was for the hardcore set.
• Ugliest Yankees cap ever. And that's saying a lot. I saw a brown-on-brown one, too. Sacrilege.

Yankees Ruminations:

• Team offensive stats for the three games: 24 innings at bat, 30 runs, .354 BA (35-99), 20 walks, 6 HRs. Figure an OBP of around .475.

• Guess which team's on pace to score 1,170 runs? Amazing what that Royals pitching staff will do for ya.

• From Jason Giambi to Gary Sheffield, seven Yankees hitters rank among the AL's top 40 in OPS. I don't know what's wrong with the other two regular hitters, either.

• Of all the sights and sounds and smells of the opening series, there was only one "Make it stop!" moment. And that, of course, was hearing the radio broadcast of John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman when walking through the concourse.

• Only $25 for a yearbook!

• I wasn't scared at all Thursday when a cruising Randy Johnson left after the fifth inning and nobody in the stands knew why. Not concerned one little bit.

• Best Stadium section for fan experience: Tier Boxes. Not sure if they're worth double the Tier Reserved, but here's why I think the crowd's the best. The lowers are rife with corporate nitwits, and pleated khakis don't fly at ballparks. The Tier Reserved is a game of roulette; you have absolutely no idea from game to game whether you're gonna sit next to some cool dude, some camp kid who tries to start 100 chants, some "fan" who keeps mispronouncing Wang, some drunken douchebag, some anything and everything. The Tier Boxes, meanwhile, are filled with mini-planners who know their stuff, pay to get away from the riff-raff and booze enough but not too much. The bleachers, of course, is a hell pit of Gotti-boy hairstyles, so that's way out. Tier Boxes is your winner.

• The money line on the Yanks winning with Johnson on Thursday was -378, meaning you had to lay $378 to win $100, easily the highest line of the day (Cubs -178) and maybe the biggest favorite I've ever seen.

• This part of Bill Simmons' latest mailbag made me chuckle:

Q: Why don't you just change your name from "The Sports Guy" to the more accurate "narrow-minded, ignorant Yankee-hating d-------- from New England?" that would be more accurate. Get a life, loser.
--Keith Verrier, Kailua, Hawaii

SG: Mahalo.

C'mon, though. If you're a Yanks fan and are prone to get upset with the needling, you're just an idiot. Same with the Yankees-haters who come here. You know what you're gonna get, so skip it if it's gonna drive you nuts.

• Around 3 p.m. Thursday, on a glorious spring day in which the Yankees were winning, there was a vicious, shirt-tearing, spill-down-the-stairs fight around Section 14 in the Tier Reserved. I'm sure it was totally worth the jail time.

• SAVE THE DATE: Just a reminder that the Yanks hit Baltimore on the weekend of June 2-4, and we're planning a road trip. A lot of friends and readers have shown interest, so if you want in, just let me know. Real informal stuff: we pile into cars, check-in at the string of hotels by the airport, shuttle to the game, hit outdoor pre-game hangouts, walk to bars/restaurants afterward, cab it back at night. Piece of cake, and a lot of fun with thousands of other Yankees fans who make the trip.

The Dumbest Sports Collectible Ever

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• A-Rod's 400-HR chase ball only $1,500
• Chan Ho Park makes how much money?
• Beer-pong league software keeps season stats
• Drink Caddie hold 54-oz. of booze in golf bag
• Benchwarmers challenges Gigli and Glitter
• Oldest-living Pittsburgh Pirate turns 100
• NFL scouts on LenDale White shirtless: "Eeeeeh"
• Four World Series not enough? FireTorre.blogspot.com
• Knicks Fan Appreciation Night only five days away!
• Big Unit No. 2 on 100 unsexiest men in the world list
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Assclown of the Week: Jeff Erickson From Bloomington, Minn.

Having seen Schindler's List for the first time recently — I know, I know, welcome to 1993 — I surveyed the Web for more information on the Oskar Schindler and came across his page on FindAGrave.com, a place where people can leave messages for dead.

Check out what Jeff Erickson From Bloomington, Minn., left for Mr. Schindler:

you did a very great thing...I just hope the jews today in the usa don't forget how good you were too..alot of them today seem to be very money hungry and with out feelings..I could be wrong.

Yeah, he could be wrong. Though who could question the judgment of a man who thinks "alot" is a word, especially one who lives in such a culturally diverse place as Bloomington, Minn. I mean, that's like the Jewish capital of the U.S., no? (Maybe he saw one the last time Gabe Kapler batted against the Twins.) With 88% of its population white (as opposed to 44% in New York City), it's the melting pot to end all melting pots.

What's more pathetic than his bogus assertion that "alot" of Jews are "with out feelings" is the fact that, if Schindler were alive today, he would probably tell him the same and think he was saying something nice. Now that's an assclown with a master's degree in irony.

God knows what he may have written for Jackie Robinson. Maybe something like, "Thanks for paving the way for blacks to play pro sports. My fantasy football league is doing much better with Negroes at running back!"

I always say the Internet teaches us, more than any other medium, about people with whom we share the planet. Having grown up in a split Catholic-Jewish family and making countless friends of both faiths (with feelings!), even while eschewing religion myself, I can't say I've run into anyone as lame-brained as Jeff Erickson. But at least I know guys like that are out there. And it couldn't be sadder.

Today's Web Finds:

• Tramps Like Us Video Page — My favorite Springsteen tribute band had added a bunch of clips to its site. 'Net vids rarely translate accurately the power of live rock, but these are pretty good.

• April 14 Is Poop For Peace Day — "Side by side in a public bathroom, any two human beings are stripped of their differences and reduced to their most basic essence: a pair of feet sticking out below the stall, and a pair of butt trumpets performing a greasy symphony to lament humanity's non-negotiable deference to the call of the vile."

• Video: Coworker Maze Scare — You know those prank sites that tell you to concentrate heavily on the screen, and then some scary-ass picture pops up? Well, this chick absolutely FREAKS when she falls for it.

• How to Insult Foreign People — Not sure how to tell a French Red Sux fan to go fuck a cow? Just tell 'em, "Retourne enculer les mouches!"

• Man Gets $218 Trillion Phone Bill — On the bright side, he's got 10 days to settle or face legal proceedings. I'd start learning how to rob banks, like real fast.

• eBay: Candy Bras — I'd break my diet for this.

The Greatest Beer Pong Shot of All Time

I'll never hit a drive like Tiger Woods. Never play poker like Johnny Chan. Never throw up lunch like the Olsen twins. But for a brief moment Saturday, I did something better than anyone in the world.

And it came on the grandest stage of all: the beer pong table.

Tied with two cups to go in a vicious game of doubles — with insults being hurled at every opportunity — I ended the game with one shot.

Here's how it happened: My ball hit the back lip of the far cup, knocking it off the table and legally out of play, then careened back toward us and into the near cup. A shot I couldn't duplicate if I tried again a million times.

Have you ever seen that? Man, I hadn't. I know that record will never be broken. No one's clearing three cups with one throw. Ever.

Leave a comment on some great drinking game moments you've witnessed.

Here's where I would rank it among the world's all-time greatest feats:

1. Michael Johnson runs 23.16 mph in Olympic 400 meters
2. Magic Johnson gains 100 pounds while living with HIV
3. Paul Katcher's double-whammy beer pong shot
4. Kobayashi's toilet withstands explosion after hot-dog eating record
5. Man actually ponies up $10.50 to see Ben Affleck movie
6. Vince Young eventually outscores 4th-grader in Wonderlic test
7. George W. Bush somehow gets reelected
8. Billy Joel bangs Christie Brinkley in her prime
9. Dude rings up $241K tab at Scores strip club
10. ESPN's universally panned Sunday Night Football crew never got broken up

(Oh, and if you're the New Yorker who found my wallet after said beer-pong miracle, kept my $300 in cash and didn't call the cell phone number listed in it, thanks for being an asshole.)

Perhaps the White Trashiest Site Ever

Is your idea of "dressing up" an ensemble of jeans shorts, a wife-beater and high-top sneakers? Do you sport pecs like Amanda Beard and drive a shitty truck that advertisers your love for Dale Earnhrardt, Jr.?

If so, you're a perfect candidate to appear on psfights.com, a repository for fight videos of Americans so trashy Jerry Springer wouldn't return their calls.

You won't see any university buildings in the backdrop, no majestic skyscrapers, no thriving businesses. These brawls are held mostly in barren fields and empty parking lots, locales as desperate and hopeless as the people involved.

With several clips added daily, this voyeurism of violence apparently is quite popular. Here are some of the most interesting ones I've seen:

• Bat Beatdown — Mano-a-mano rules of engagement are broken when a third party enters. Madness ensues. Five-star rating if only for the clearly audible hick accents of the voices of reason.

• Mexican vs. Black Girl Fight — Well, it's not all white trash. Love how the camera kid admonishes a fat chick for getting in the way of his recording.

• Double Fight — Listen to these heathens howling and yelling, "Break his neck!" while another worries about about more important matters. "Hey, off the car!"

• Drunk Guy Gets Jumped — Haha, your typical boozebag, couldn't-get-laid-so-now-I'm-pissed fight. I can only imagine what started this whole fracas. Maybe someone cut in line to pay for beef jerky or something. Anyway, this tall dude calls someone a bitch, then gets owned.

Today's Web Finds:

• Dumpster Baby Available for Rent at Blockbuster — "A premature crack baby abandoned in an inner city dumpster embarks on a surreal journey..." Anybody else smell Oscar? Or just my regurgitated lunch? (Found on College Humor)

• Pauly Shore's Best Work: VH1 Specials — You know how you can rank an actor's films by rating on IMDB? Well, I checked Pauly's to see how his duds ranked. Pretty bad, as you can imagine. In fact, The Best of Jenny McCarthy Playboy video (at a palty 5.65) ranked better than just about anything he's done.

• The Godfather Video Game Reviews — Metacritic rounds up 29 reviews for the newly released game, modeled after the movie. Sporting an aggregate score of 77, reviews are deemed to be generally favorable.

• Video: One Shining Moment From Syracuse's 2003 National Championship — Gerry, Hak, Josh Pace, a non-depressed Billy Edelin and, of course, 'Melo. Three frosh and two sophomores. What a team we had. (Thanks, Tony)

• Mark Grace and Toby Harrah the Greatest Clutch Hitters of Our Generation — An excerpt from a new Baseball Prospectus book examines whether David Ortiz is as clutch as his rep proclaims, lists the best career clutch ratings since 1972 and studies how much of an effect that quality has on a season.

• Authorities Shut Down Sadomasochistic Dungeon — Sometimes the lead paragraph is all you need: "At least six men traveled from across the nation and South America to have their genitals mutilated in what Haywood County authorities described as a sadomasochistic dungeon." (Thanks, Laurie)

• Hockey League Shaken By Mom Who Shakes Boobs at Opposing Players/Fans — The story is an oldie, but obviously a goodie. And a slutty. (Thanks, Larry)

• Thief Gets Away With Jerry Garcia's Toilet — Hasn't this toilet been through enough pain and suffering?

Movies I've Actually Enjoyed Recently

As many of you know, I'm far from being a movie buff. Just don't have the attention span, nor do I find most Hollywood productions more entertaining/interesting than what's on network/cable TV. But as a recent Netflix subscriber, I'm trying to catch up on my pop culture.

Here's some stuff I give thumbs up to, which should come as no surprise, since you probably enjoyed these 5-10 years ago.

Schindler's List (IMDB): I don't know if you're allowed to say anything critical about this movie, ranked No. 6 on IMDB's top 250 list. I know you can't say that there were some unexpectedly nice breasts, so I won't. Of course, it was as heavy as a movie can be, but like any anything based on real events, thoughts of how a straight documentary would have been different went through my mind. For example, images of emaciated, walking skeletons seemed absent. I know the limitations there with working actors, but just something I thought about.

Overall, it was incredible. But it wasn't my initiation to images and stories of the Holocaust. So maybe I was itching a bit for this particular angle to develop. But the movie paid off huge in the end, when humanity peered through a storm of immense horror. I'll never comprehend how so many people allowed this to happen in my parents' lifetimes.

BTW, what is someone gonna do with a movie poster of Amon Goeth? Gotta be one of the most-hated villains in cinema history.

School of Rock (IMDB): This movie had two essential ingredients to a solid comedy:

1. A kick-ass lead actor. Jack Black was Jim Carrey-esque in that he could probably read a phone book and make it hilarious. This is where guys like the Wilson brothers fall short. They're witty, but not fall-on-the-floor funny on their own. Chris Farley, yes. Ben Stiller, no.

2. A real script. Along with Old School and The 40-Year-Old Virgin, this was probably the best comedy script Hollywood has thrown at us in some time. Look, it takes only a couple of no-way-would-ANYONE-laugh-at-that jokes to realize these things get mailed in. Will Ferrell saying, "I like to put bacon in my slippers, because the grease keeps my feet soft" is not part of solid script. Not that he's ever said that, but I wouldn't put it past him.

Rounders (IMDB): Even though I saw this well after its release, when I'm already familiar with Hold 'Em strategy, it was surprising watchable.

I mean, there were some corny parts, like Mike figuring out KGB's Oreo-cracking tell, which I figured out two hours earlier. Or when KGB totally freaked out because Mike slow-played a big hand. I mean, that never happens, right? It's like doing a baseball movie and having one opposing manager want to kill another because he called a pitchout.

But it highlights a seedier side of poker that we don't don't see on ESPN (thank god, because Norman Chad would definitely get his ass kicked), and Worm has some witty, wise-ass hustler parts. As long as it's not all completely predictable, it's cool.

Pauly Shore Is Dead (IMDB): If you wanna see Pauly Shore basically throw a roast for himself, if you want to laugh with Hollywood as it laughs at itself, if you wanna see old MTV clips of Pauly as The Weasel, definitely check this out.

The plot is that Pauly is sick of being ridiculed as the chump who starred in Son in Law, Encino Man and Jury Duty, so he pulls an Eddie Wilson and kills himself, figuring that dying young might put him in the class of Sam Kinison and Lenny Bruce as comedic geniuses lost too soon. And the public buys it, till he's outed and they hate him even more.

The cast includes, among about 1,000 cameos, Todd Bridges as a jail cell mate, a cursing and fuming Carrot Top, porn star Jewel De'Nyle, Andy Dick, Corey Feldman and Mario Lopez. How can you go wrong with that?

There's a bonus section on the DVD where he fields questions from film students, and he mixes comedy with plenty of serious and solid advice. You can tell he worked hard to put this together, not with promises of huge residuals but by convincing his friends that it's OK to laugh at themselves — but mostly at him.

Work on Your Putts While Taking a Dump

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• From Thrillist: The Potty Putter
• 100 greatest finishes in college football history
• Hockey's top 25 cyber athletes of all time
• So you can't set opponents on fire in wrestling?
• Final Four tickets sell for below face value
• Second baseman likes large knob on his bat
• Ranking: MLB's richest players ever
• Beer hats! Beer hats! Beer hats!
• Bonds says he has bigger problems than steroid probe
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

I'D LIKE TO REPORT A SPORTS-RELATED CRIME: Listen to this injustice. My MurphGuide.com softball team is ordering new jerseys, and my request for Donnie Baseball's No. 23 was denied, because the number was already asked for BY A METS FAN! Yes, a Mets fan will be wearing No. 23 in a New York softball league. Something that should be illegal and punishable by up to five years in prison AND several public readings of The Worst Team Money Could Buy: The Collapse of the New York Mets, Bob Klapish's book on the 1992 Mutts. I'm only half-kidding when I say I'm gonna lose sleep over this. Why not choose Nos. 16, 17, 18 or any other tribute to famous Mets cokeheads?

AS FOR THE YANKS: That 4-3 loss was one you saw coming the whole night. We left seven runners on base with two outs, while the A's left just one. Just seemed like we were never gonna get that big baseknock. Moose gave up only five hits, but two were solo homers, things that sometimes happen even when you're on. In the ninth we bring in Scott Proctor, who may as well have carried a white flag with him. Leadoff walk and you could have turned the TVs off there. It's the first reminder that it's a long season. We've outplayed the A's badly and yet we're both 1-1. On the plus side, we drew another six walks. You put 15 runners on base and you'd better outscore a team that manages just five hits against your starter. But whatever. If Robinson Cano isn't the easiest three-pitch strikeout in the world, I don't know who is. Only 160 more wins to go.

Soldiers of Fortune Bake Zito; Yanks on Pace for 162-0 Season

Last year I wrote that the Yankees needed more "Fuck You Wins." They were a winning ballclub, of course, eventually notching their eighth straight AL East title, but there seemed a lack of cold-blooded tenacity. Not enough times we flat out stepped on someone's neck. Too few instances of forcing other teams to call players-only meetings after being embarrassed.

Winning 6-5 is great. A 3-2 picther's duel is fine. But a 15-2 victory on Opening Day, in which your ace gives up jack, your league MVP crushes a grand slam and makes like Brooks Robinson on a screamer down the line, your vaunted offense makes a former Cy Young winner its bitch and puts 29 runners on base? That's a Fuck You Win.

The 2006 Yankees: Coming to kick ass in a city near you.

More on the 15-2 Thrashing:

• Barry Zito retired four of 13 batters on 59 pitches and left with a 47.25 ERA. We broke him.

• I could probably field first base better than Jason Giambi. With no glove.

• A-Rod's grand slam will be categorized as "not clutch" because we were already up 3-0 and went on to win by 13 runs. It won't fall into those stats like "HRs that tied the game or put a team ahead." But he basically put the game away by giving Randy Johnson a seven-run lead. Last year, of course, he hit 48 unimportant homers and drove in 130 runs in non-pressure situations.

• Six of ESPN.com's 19 "experts" picked the A's — more than any other team — to win the World Series. I would have selected the team with five future Hall of Famers — one-fifth of its roster — still performing at All-Star levels (Johnson, Mariano Rivera, Alex Rodriguez, Gary Sheffield, Derek Jeter). The same one with Hideki Matsui, Giambi, Mike Mussina and Johnny Damon, as well.

• When Michael Kay reminded us that Bubba Crosby was the Yankees' projected starting center fielder before we signed Damon, I remembered how close we were to having a huge hole in our lineup. Thanks again, Red Sux!

• The Yankees got 17 hits and put 12 more runners on base without even touching the ball (nine walks, three HBP). The A's got eight men on base all night, all hits and no walks.

• Only two of the Yankees' 15 RBI came with two outs.

• Damon is on pace for 1,134 at-bats.

• Yankees games on YES have a sponsor for its closed captioning. Pretty much the only thing not whored out for corporate sponsorship is Sheffield's bitching.

Other Yankees Sites to Check Out Today:

• Karen Bischer's Blog
• Mark Feinsand's Blog
• Pinstripe Alley
• Was Watching
• Yankees Chick
• The Airing of Grievances
• Darth Marc