PaulKatcher.com

Happy Birthday to These Studs

Every year on Feb. 28, I check to see which familiar folks were born on this date, and I always hope the roster gets a little more impressive.

Alas, it's pretty much just Captain Stubing (1931), Herb Tarlek (1942) and me (1973). What a lineup.

Anyway, no real post today, so I can get a jump on this week's writings for Brooks, allowing me to get out and celebrate Fat Tuesday in style.

If birthday wishes come true, the Yankees will parade up the Canyon of Heroes in October. Or I'll have sex with Stacy Keibler. But New York's pitching rotation holding up is the safer bet.

Review: Atlantic City

What do you get when you combine chain-smoking blue-hairs, flu-ridden dice, 350 ladies in sweatshirts and an ungodly amount of nauseating Journey music?

Sounds like a hot tub at Wilbon's.

But also my trip with five friends this past weekend to Atlantic City, the cheesiest A.C. since Slater, a party and gambling locale so "eh," it's no wonder New Yorkers are more apt to fly cross-country to Las Vegas than drive less than 2½ hours to South Jersey.

Here's how it all ranked on a scale of 1-5 crackpipes:

Scrap One On: I don't know much about scrapbooking, but when madames of the Scrapper's Dream Vacation invade a hotel by the hundreds you'd better have an ample supply of glitter ... and butter. A healthy (unhealthy?) proportion of these ladies looked like they could stand to put down the heat guns and go running once in a while, but I dig people with creativity and passion, so I'm giving them 2 ½ crackpipes.

Rating:

Chef Vola: We lucked into a reservation at a secluded, family-run Italian restaurant that's received universal acclaim. I've never been fed so much and so well at an establishment in which you have to slide past the dishwasher to take a piss. First-rate food and service, way more comfortable than uppity, and a perfectly competent staff. It's cash-only, and there are pictures from multiple mob films on the walls, but I'm sure all taxes get paid 100%. Take a hit off these five crackpipes.

Rating:

Gambling: Crowds, boy. Maybe Joe Piscopo and Whoopi Goldberg really do bring 'em in. I found one seat at a $25 Tropicana blackjack table. But who wants to play alone during a group road trip? So after winning six of eight hands, I took $100 to the bar to treat my pals to drinks. They'd just bought me dinner so, ya know, that whole karma thing. A $10 craps table at Caesar's was an oasis, and we still couldn't squeeze more than three of us in there. Broke even for an hour. Nothing under $25 at the Borgata, even at 4 a.m., and even those were packed. In other words, unless you wanted to play $50 a hand/roll, it was hard to give away your money. The poker rooms were bustling, but I need more practice, both in play and how to have fun with nine sloppy, gloomy strangers trying to convince you to fold over your your loot.

Rating:

Bars: Tried several bars. Two of them featured live music, including Bally's Blue Martini, in which we were treated to the sweet sounds of "Jessie's Girl," "Copacabana," Journey shit (which I could not escape for 24 hours, even in a limo) and other chick-pandering rubbish that gave an otherwise cool-looking place all the edge of a velcro-fastening sneaker. The center bar at the Borgata was chill enough, though I was there for only one drink around 4:30 a.m. At least they were showing Showgirls on one of the TVs.

Rating:

The Superstitious Craps Fools: Watching and listening to these people was a trip. The way they selected and set two of the five offered dice, all serious like it fucking mattered. The number of actions or tendencies a player would be guilty of that forced others to change their betting patterns. Oh no, he grabbed the dice with only three fingers, he'll never roll a 4! Oh no, he looked to the sky, he'll crap out for sure! How many times do casino employees roll their eyes at those who claim to know some edge over irrefutable probability? Here was the safest bet in the house: someone at my table probably caught whatever flu/bronchitis I'd been coughing on my hands before passing dice around.

Rating:

Fashion: In New York and Las Vegas, I can be intimidated by others' sense of style. But Chess King doesn't scare me.

Rating:

Overall: Good times. Spent a lot of time exploring and casino-hopping, time that will be better spent next time when I have a better idea of what to seek and avoid. Traffic to and fro was a breeze this time of year, getting around locally via taxi was fine, food and drink open late, and lots of laughs with our group. Aside from the gambling, though, I didn't find "Only in A.C." kinds of entertainment that define Vegas or that we don't have at home.

Rating:

The Bead Whores Are Back ... on Live Cam!

Friday night I stayed in with my friends Theraflu and Sucrets trying to gear up for tonight's jaunt to Atlantic City, a trip I'll review on a scale of 1-5 crack pipes. Sometime in the middle of ass-fucking fellow PokerStars players, I remembered it was Mardi Gras weekend, so I checked in with the live BourboCam feeds to see how New Orleans was doing.

You're more likely to see boobage by going to Google, throwing rocks at the keyboard and hitting enter, but BouboCam is a great study in real Internet programming. While the cams run 24/7 throughout the year, during Mardi Gras peak hours there's a host outside Cat's Meow who interviews revelers. The site also records screen shots for reviewing over the following days.

It ain't exactly the wildest shit you've ever seen. The host asks such crazy questions as "Are you having fun?" and "Where are you from?" I would have spiced it up with "How many cocks have been in your mouth the last 24 hours?" but maybe that's just me.

Can't speak for locals on whether a Bourbon Street crowded with drunkards means much to New Orleans right now — Is fly in, puke and get out a key to substantial revival? — but I'm sure this weekend will reap some needed dollars for a city that relied so heavily on tourism.

Mardi Gras Related:

• It's Mardi Gras, New York: Where Are You? — The Village Voice highlights a few local parties and laments that more aren't making a commitment to Katrina relief.

• MurphGuide's Comprehensive List of NYC Mardi Gras Parties — Dozens of options from Sat-Tues. Looks like I'm hiting Town Tavern for my birthday on Fat Tuesday. If you're local and want to meet up, let me know.

Today's Web Finds:

• Penis Found in Microwave a Whizzinator? — Turns out that "severed penis" found in a McKeesport, Pa., convenience-store microwave was a pop used to pass a drug test. In other disappointing news, "the microwave involved in the incident was immediately removed from service and will be discarded." Damn! (Thanks, Laurie)

• Wi-Fi to Go: The Hot Spot in a Box — Even desktop computers can tap in to these portable wi-fi boxes that are powered by cellular signals and can accommodate 10, 20 or as many users are within 200 feet. Pricey, since it's new technology, but maybe worth a look for small businesses on the go. Or guys who like to whack off with others in the park.

• University Professors Inundated With E-mail — Another interesting tech angle from The New York Times. Professors are finding that e-mail is eliminating a healthy distance between them and their students, who too often send messages that are informal or inappropriate. Said one assistant dean, "It's a real fine balance to accommodate what they need and at the same time maintain a level of legitimacy as an instructor and someone who is institutionally authorized to make demands on them, and not the other way round."

• Florida Man Kills Roommate Over Toilet Paper — Roomie forget to restock the Charmin? Get the sledgehammer and the claw hammer. Not sure which one didn't work first.

• Timed Game: The Package — Solve this bomb caper in 15 minutes of less, else have your brains splattered all over the walls. I did it, but you already knew that, since it's hard to type dead. (Thanks, Shumpy)

• Amazon.com: Macfarlane Issues Don Mattingly Figure — If you consider Donnie Baseball to be the Greatest Living Ballplayer — and who doesn't? — you'll be picking one of these up, too.

• Clay Enos' Ft. Lauderdale Coyote Ugly Party Photos — No one documents revelry like my friend Clay. That's a pro's work, for sure.

• Office Pirates — Time Inc.'s new online humor site includes a funny parody of those uncomfortable going-away parties in which you pretend to give a shit that someone is leaving. In this version, they throw some douchebag a "You're Fired" surprise party and rag on his ass while sipping from paper cups and cutting up "loser cake."

• Paula Abdul's Breath Still Smells Like Arsenio's Balls — Let Drinking With Bob explain the reason why she can't find a man in the loudest form possible.

• Stacy Keibler Screenshots: Divas Do New York — The WWE chicks did New York and I wasn't invited? Bitches! I could have at least shown them more picturesque NYC spots than where these shots were taken. Maybe they did Albany, N.Y.

YouTube.com's Bruce Springsteen Video Collection

Every now and then I hint that Bruce Springsteen is my favorite rocker, but I never post lyrics that mean something to me, because I don't care to challenge for the crown of Gayest Straight Male Blogger on Earth. However, I don't mind sharing this link to Springsteen-related videos on YouTube.

It's a simple search result, really, but it shows the breadth of YouTube — as web-friendly of a media portal as you will find — as well as the Boss himself. The live performances stretch three decades and include appearances on several TV shows (Conan, Letterman, SNL), in many countries and with a host of guest performers.

Among the most interesting:

• Bruce & Bon Jovi Do "It's My Life" In Asbury Park — I call Jon Bon Jovi an A-list rock star with no hesitation. Anytime someone can walk into a sold-out Madison Square Garden, with his name on the marquee, 20 years straight and be the most popular and important dude in the joint, that's good enough for me. But seeing him sing "like Frankie said, I did it my way!" next to Springsteen in New Jersey? It's like Michelangelo and I drawing stick figures in Florence.

• "Thundercrack" Live in Asbury Park — Underrated epic. Asbury Park's got two things going for it: Bruce Springsteen and crack. Check out this travel page for surfers. "Local vibe: none, but watch your stuff." "Hazards: crack vials, homeless vagrants, seedy bar." "Places to Stay: Nobody stays here."

• "Youngstown" in Youngstown, Ohio — Love this song, but I like the more rockin' live version better. And that greasy Max Cady look has got to go.

• "Prove it All Night" in Vancouver — The wide angle of this bootleg vid, shot in 2003, shows the complete E Street band rocking out, which is such a righteous live experience.

• "My City of Ruins" Performed for "A Tribute to Heroes" — One of the most spellbinding performances I've ever seen. The song was actually written about Asbury Park but was debuted publicly, I believe, here on this 9/11 benefit, before being added to "The Rising" album. If he missed a note, I didn't hear it. A flawless testament to the power of music and the genius of people who do it best.

• Bruce & Axl Rose "Come Together" — Like putting ketchup on pizza. I bet Axl had even more stroke than Springsteen at the time, too. Maybe more than anyone in music. Now Bruce and Bono throw quarters at him on the street.

• Ben Stiller Show: Counting With Bruce Springsteen — Funny parody from a show that lasted from from September 1992 to January 1993. Jesus, I've taken dumps that lasted longer than that.

• Sesame Street: "Born to Add" — More counting, this time with Bruce Springbean. I'm gonna be really smart by the time the day's out. Song lyrics.

Get Motivated, Italian Style!

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• My motivation poster on that Italian skate-dance couple
• It's a gas: Skating duo smells high score
• John Rocker's profile on Match.com
• List of slang names for poker hands
• Videos of dunk contest's top moments
• Dubai: Home to indoor desert ski park
• Happy anniversary to the Miracle on Ice
• Gil Brandt's NFL draft and combine tidbits
• Olympic athletes think village food sucks
• Red Sux closer Keith Foule says he's "not a baseball fan"
• Own a piece of Stacy Keibler's shirt
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

And, in conclusion, this joke sent by Laurie...

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks, "Are they twins"?

The woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?"

"No", he replies. "I just can't believe you got laid twice!"

Significant Linkage (It Links?)

Just throwing out some things I found of interest online:

• Amsterdam's Red Light District Opens Its Doors — Saleswomen of the highest order invited guests into their cubicles for a free drink and chat to counteract the establishments' seedy reputation by explaining hygiene regulations and security set-ups. A recent study found that 7 percent of Dutch prostitutes have HIV/AIDS, which makes that $60-a-fuck a little less of a bargain. From my just-browsing-thank-you experience a couple of years ago, I can tell you that the attractiveness of these gals runs the gamut, from heinous to hottie.

• 10 Things Your Movie Critic Won't Tell You — This Smart Money feature explores all the reasons why I trust only Vincent's picks at Champagne Video. I hear his only compensation is vodka, cigarettes and fireworks.

• College Concert Fees for Over 400 Bands/Performers — Hootie & The Blowfish are listed as "generally available" for $100K. Ya don't say. And check out Jeff Foxworthy: You might be choosing another comedian if... he commands "lots of money."

• Your Guide to the Corporate Crapper: Part I — And, because no one can get enough of this shit (I'm on a roll, and I don't mean toilet paper), there's also a Part II. Missing is a rule everyone should adhere to: DO NOT emerge from a stall, after just dropping a Daisy Cutter, while someone else is in the bathroom. Cling to some shame and hide your identity. You see some guys throw open the door, still fixing their pants, like they'd be remiss for not being fingered as the guy responsible for creating a stench that could only be challenged by Whoopi Goldberg's feet after a desert triathlon. (Found on GorillaMask)

• Porn Star Jenna Haze's Claim to Fame — The Wikipedia entry on tomorrow's birthday gal reads: "As with other young female porn-stars, like Gauge, Allie Sin, Aurora Snow and Taylor Rain, Jenna garnered attention for her enthusiastic performances in early scenes involving anal sex, DP, and semen swallowing." See, with a little effort, you can become anything you want.

• Kid Rock/Creed Sex Tape News/Preview Vid — Six Degrees of Pamela Anderson — a new game for celebrity sex tapes.

• Press Releases for PaulKatcher.com — Who knew BlogShares was releasing forecast reports about my site? That was your typical Internet potential craze. Everyone with a blog was on it for three days, and now there's probably three people left. I guess I check it every few months to see how my site is doing, though I never bought or sold shares. If nothing else, it's a quick index of which blogs link to ya.

• The Simpsons Video: "Meet and You — Partners in Freedom" — I have a crazy friend who says it's wrong to eat meat. Is he crazy?

• MySpace: Murdoch's Big Hope, Parents' Nightmare — Ol' Rupert paid $580 million for MySpace last July? Who knew? Anyway, I guess parents are starting to wonder why all of 14-year-old Jimmy's "friends" live in L.A. and have huge tits.

• Video: Guido the Ginny at the Club — Funny stuff, and sad, too. Little kid cursing his ass off like that? Either he's so mature that he processes the sarcasm and cynicism on his own or, ironically, is destined, because of reckless upbringing, to grow into the losers he parodies.

• Video: The Daily Show Trendspotting: MySpace — An amusing report about online networking by Demetri Martin. You might not hate Steel Magnolias as much as you used to.

Suspend This Man's Driving License Forever

Oklahoma State coach Eddie Sutton suffers from a disease that threatens that, when combined with his own image protection, threatens the lives of innocent people around him. Eddie Sutton should never, under any circumstances, be allowed behind the wheel of a car again.

Earlier this month, Sutton drove a speeding car that swerved across four lanes of traffic and slammed into the back of another car. I've never done this. Then again, I never drove with a blood alcohol content of .22, almost three times the legal limit in Oklahoma. To do so would be a cowardly (at best) and vicious (at worst) act of weakness and a significant threat to the lives of innocent motorists.

Eddie Sutton, who, in 1987, Sutton was treated for alcohol abuse at the Betty Ford Center, took that chance. Why didn't a man who surely makes $1 million annually and has as much stroke in Stillwater as anyone summon an an alternate ride to wherever he was going? Probably the same reason other liquorheads injure, main and kill innocent people: pride. Ain't 'cause no one's got the number for cab.

When the story broke, I heard the usual words of support from former players, coaches and assorted peers. Sad situation, they said. Hope everything works out for the best, they said. Fucking cowards.

The end doesn't justify the means — not even close when it comes to driving with a .22 — and the reaction has been all about the end: no one got killed. Well, I wanna know what we're gonna do to keep this man — who apparently can't (won't would be even harder to defend) help himself from piloting cars that swerve across four lanes of traffic toward innocent motorists — off streets forever.

Now comes news that two OSU police officers helped Sutton to his car before he caused the crash, each reporting that he didn't appear intoxicated, even though he'd just fell in a parking lot and hit his head. I'm hoping, for their sakes, that they don't know what the term "intoxicated" means.

Hang On, Lisa Guerrero, I'm Coming too See You!

On Thursday, the Yankees announced an agreement with pitcher Scott Erickson to a minor-league deal, and that's great news for guys headed to Tampa for a few spring training games in two weeks. Guys like me.

No, I won't be coming back with pictures of Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez or Johnny Damon. They've been sequestered by the WBC to compete for a championship involving some of the world's best talent. Unlike the World Series, which is competed for by all of the world's best talent.

But there's now a chance to run into Lisa Guerrero, Erickson's sportscaster/model wife who was recently featured in Playboy and who will now be the subject of "Lisa Guerrero Lotto," where my friends and I try to become the first to spot her, with a free night of drinking as the prize.

I have so many things to ask her. Like what it was like to work on Monday Night Football. If she ever wondered how her husband amassed $40 million in career earnings with a .511 winning percentage and a 4.57 ERA. And whether doing "tasteful" nudes makes it any less likely that lonely men will be shooting their jizz all over her face.

• Tons of Lisa Guerrero galleries
• Lisa Guerrero's Playboy photos

Other Thoughts of Great Interest to the Planet:

• How come we never see "Parts Unknown" as a hometown for pro wrestlers anymore? Did Vince McMahon start cracking down on IDs?

• I know. I know. I can't believe there's a Biography episode on Robby Benson, either.

• Pro wrestling ref would have to be the best job ever. You can fuck up all day, not see a damn thing, serve as an agent of injustice, then come back to the locker room and everyone's like, "Great job out there!"

• The Westminster dog show came and went, and I'm no more likely to get a dog now than I was last week. I know dogs are man's best friend and all, but I have a lot of good friends already, and I don't have to clean their crap off the sidewalk.

• Biggest laugh I got all week: My new maid asks if she came come on Saturday. I say sure. She asks, "How about 8 a.m.?"

• A friend reasoned that strippers in Las Vegas are the best, because they're American and you can talk with them. Which is fine, if you like good conversation while your crotch is being grinded.

• I know there are more typos on this site than there on zits on a 14-year-old Cheetos-eating champion. But my mistakes come from missed keystrokes and a hurried edit process (none), not illiteracy. So, to all the people out there who constantly write "DEFINATELY" — you're a fucking idiot. You can't spell if you don't read. You can't be smart if you don't read. You can't be smart if you can't spell.

• It's feedback like this that keeps me going: "I stumbled upon your site via SportsByBrooks.com, and you've got yourself a new loyal reader. I especially enjoy the profanity." I told him to go fuck himself. Seriously, though, is that the most easily-entertained reader ever? I could just write "ass, fuck, pussy, cock, motherfucker" and have a readership of at least one.

• I need a math whiz to help me with a formula for my planned feature titled "Elevator Farting: An Illustrated Guide to Success." I want to determine empirically whether it's riskier to let one fly in an empty car with eight floors to go four hours after a chili-and-burrito lunch, or 12 floors to go one hour after a low-stank breakfast like a bagel and orange juice.

• Boy, those online store locators that don't filter nearer than 25 miles from a zip code are a big help. You know how many businesses are within 25 miles of the Upper West Side? About a trillion.

• Don't you love it when guys like Tom Jackson (0-2 in Super Bowls) are asked to play the role of "expert" and share how players should be prepping for the big game. I'd love to see Peyton Manning guest on a Super Bowl pregame show and have James Brown ask him what was going through the players' minds. "Uh, how the fuck would I know, James?"

• Cheryl Hines, who plays Larry David's way-too-hot-for-him wife on Curb Your Enthusiasm once played the role of Trailer Park Lady in an episode of Reno 911!? Yep.

• Sucks that mailing a letter went up from 37 cents to 39 cents, but that's still $300 less than it would take me to deliver something myself to L.A., so I think I'll still use the USPS.

Top 10 Greatest Wrestling Babes Ever

Thanks to attention garnered on Dancing With the Stars — a show that has all the testosterone of a Brokeback Mountain viewing party at Pat Patterson's house — even non-wrestling fans are becoming familiar with Stacy Keibler.

The Stuff magazine cover girl long ago vaulted past Alyssa Milano and Nicole Eggert as my No. 1 babe, so, of course, she tops this list of the most spanktacular wrestling babes of all time.

Let's see who else makes the cut.

(It should be noted that, to qualify, these "babes" must be certifiable females, thus Chyna and Nicole Bass are automatically eliminated. Though I did once review Chyna and X-Pac's sex video, and it remains one of most emotionally scarring half-hours of my life. I could watch Midget Clowns on Ice and not be so disturbed.)

No. 10: Mae Young
Never has a woman's name been so oxymoronic. Born in 1923, Young became a professional wrestler when Germany invaded Poland, for Christ's sake. And while I like older broads, I don't get hot for 82-year-olds. But Young makes the list, because she provided some of the biggest laughs in wrestling history when, in her late '70s, she gave birth to a hand sired by 400-pound "Sexual Chocolate" Mark Henry, won the Miss Royal Rumble competition with the saggiest tits this side of Joan Rivers, and wound up getting powerbombed by through a table by Bubba Ray Dudley. Her IMDB credits include parts in Law & Order: Criminal Intent and ... WWE Divas: Undressed! I think I'm gonna throw up.
Links: Wikipedia profile | Mae Young gallery (view at own risk)

No. 9: Major Gunnz
Some of you online T&A hounds might know her better as Tylene Buck (Google Images), but I'll always remember her as Major Gunnz, a hilarious character name the WCW concocted to ramp up its sleaze-fest with the then-WWF. Ah, those were the days. Gunnz was a favorite of low-carb dieters, 'cause she's got a bit of a butterface going on. Still, it's "Bombs Away!"
Links: Wikipedia profile | Major Gunnz gallery

No. 8: Fabulous Moolah
I love Moolah for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that her name is Moolah. Is there an uglier-sounding name on the planet than Moolah? At least she wasn't kidding herself and tried to parade around as Seductive Lillian Ellison. Another reason I love her is that she looks like a woman you wouldn't be embarrassed to get in the ring with. Even if you punched her in the face with brass knuckles a few times, you wouldn't do too much damage. And then you can go knock back shots of Jack with her and pay her $100 to hit on your drunk friends.
Links: Wikipedia profile | Fabulous Moolah gallery

No. 7: Torrie Wilson
She came along a little late for me, as I haven't really watched wrestling since the WWE bought WCW and the creative juices seemed to get sapped. But, um, look at that body, OK? Plus, she did Playboy, so she has to make the list.
Links: Wikipedia profile | Torrie Wilson & Sable Playboy pics

No. 6: Terri Runnels
This gal's a six-pack of tanning salon coupons from being mistaken for Al Sharpton's niece, but she's smokin'. Literally. Her trademark cigar was among the most phallic gimmicks Vince McMahon ever promoted. And leaning over the ropes and showing her cleavage to a crowd of 12-year-olds wasn't bad, either.
Links: Wikipedia profile | Terri Runnels gallery

No. 5: Kimberly Page
The wife of Diamond Dallas Page, former Nitro girl and long-ago model in Playboy newsstand specials had a hand in Howard Stern's Private Parts. Which made me put a hand on my private parts. The only thing that stands in my way of scoring with her is DDP. He's only 6-5, 253 pounds, so that shouldn't be much of a hurdle.
Links: Wikipedia profile | Kimberly Page gallery

No. 4: Miss Elizabeth
She's wasn't nearly as slutty as her contemporaries, but in an era when the most scantily-clad member of the WWF was the Ultimate Warrior, she was a bonafide '80s piece of ass. The First Lady of Wrestling used to get her panties wet for real-life husband (and current rap star) Randy "Macho Man" Savage ... simply by sitting on his sweaty shoulder after all his wins.
Links: Wikipedia profile | Miss Elizabeth gallery

No. 3: Debra McMichael
I loathe the corporate culture, but when it comes with business suits exploding with cleavage, sign me up for an 8:30 a.m. meeting. And make sure the conference table has reinforcements. Looking back, she's got a little Kathy Griffin hair going on, but who doesn't get hot for that? Besides no one.
Links: Wikipedia profile | Debra McMichael gallery

No. 2: Sable
This biker-trash-lookin', fake-titty vixen played the art of seduction perfectly. Before Vince McMahon responded to pussified critics and said that Monday Night RAW wouldn't show any nudity, ratings went through the roof as viewers tuned in to see how far these new bikini, mud-wrestling and nightgown matches would push the cable envelope. Sable is most famous for those painted breasts that won a 1998 bikini contest, three Playboy photoshoots and a contract dispute with McMahon, before she fell off the face of the Earth. Only to be brought back after ratings dropped like my dick when Mae Young appears on-screen.
Links: Wikipedia profile | Sable in Playboy

No. 1: Stacy Keibler
Get a load of that ass, Takashi.

Wikipedia lists her finishing move as the "Keibler Kick." For male fans, it's the "Kleenex."
Links: Wikipedia profile | Stacy Keibler galleries

Boobies! Boobies! Boobies! Boobies! Boobies!

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• SI's annual Whack-Off Edition on sale
• Rejected Turino Olympics mascots
• James Blake's girlfriend a piece of ass
• Terrell Owens to get own reality TV series
• "The Five Meatheads You Meet at the Gym"
• Shawn Chacon's 2004 stats the worst ever?
• eBay: "Used" pizza purchased at Super Bowl
• No Sheffield, but Francoeur in USA outfield!
• Team-by-team list of spring-training reporting dates
• Video game vid shows Nomar getting beaned
• Flying Tomato all over MySpace
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Now Playing! My Space: The Movie

If you're under 25 and breathe oxygen, you probably have a MySpace profile.

In which case, you might want to check out this 11-minute video titled MySpace: The Movie. In which case, you might want to tell me how it is, because my attention span online is about 48 seconds. But what I saw of it was pretty funny.

Today's Web Finds:

• Boobfest 2006 — The Phat Free runs down the usual suspects found at Mardi Gras, including the The Skank, The Boob Job Bimbo and The Old Lady. Cheers to them all.

• Video: Lingerie Bowl Nipple Slip — Even more shocking than Jenny McCarthy commenting that an angle of a bent-over center was a "Taco Bell Shot": people actually attended this thing.

• Douching with Coke Not an Effective Form of Pregnancy Prevention — So says the Discovery Channel. Diet Rite, however, works great. (Found on Gorilla Mask)

• AdultFriendFinder.com Is Web's 44th Most-Popular Site? — I can't believe people spend more time on only 43 other sites than this casual-sex mate match. But that's what Alexa.com says. Can't say I know anyone who's actually tried it. Maybe I need to hang with sluttier friends to find out what the fuss is all about. And considering it's a pay site, wouldn't it be one of the most profitable web ventures ever?

• Rootless Cosmopolitan — Intelligent international affairs commentary from my former coworker Tony Karon. It's way too smart for me, but I gotta throw him a plug.

• Penis Enlargement Surgery a Waste of Time: Study — Critics say that "spam e-mails advertising penis enlargement surgery were inaccurate and gave men unrealistic expectations." In other news, Mets fans aren't fashion plates.

• Adolf Hitler's Acting Resumé — The dude's IMDB profile is pretty impressive, considering he's been dead for six decades. Needs to branch out a little, though. Always seems to be playing himself. (Found on College Humor)

• eBay: Bags of Fingernails and Toenails — Which bring us to the Valentine's Day portion of this post. Hope you got your sweetie something special, like this.

Photos: Blizzard '06 in Central Park

Once the heavy stuff abated Sunday — around the time our vice president accidentally shot a fellow hunter — I joined about a trillion neighbors for a winter romp in Central Park.

Here's my Blizzard '06 photo album, with ones I found most interesting at the beginning. (All NYC photos.)

Among the most curious sights were photographers' footprints. Serious photogs — and I'm not yet one — don't miss a day like this. Whenever I saw footprints deep in the snow, away from patted down walkways, I knew a photographer had ventured away from the crowd to get a better look at something, maybe to get a fence or a sign out of his camera's view. It was kinda cool to try to see what someone else had seen before you.

Also nice to watch how the people with real photo equipment work, being that I'm more apt to be surrounded by morons who try to capture that definitive concert shot 300 feet away from the stage with a cell-phone cam.

Finally, here's a nice, quick shot I took in Times Square on Friday evening. I always try to get a cab in my city street shots. Certainly adds to the NYC context, and the yellow usually a nice touch. This one, of course, is not short on color to begin with.

Today's New York Links:

• Mardi Gras Parties in NYC — MurphGuide rounds up all the best parties going Fat Tuesday, Feb. 28, which also happens to be my 33rd birthday. That's not going to be a fun night or anything.

• Free Stuff on Craig's List — Did you know people are just dying to give shit away for free on CL? Post after post of stuff available for you to pick up. And I'm not just talking STDs.

• A Year of Film Festivals — Manhattan User Guide rounds up a ton of film festivals coming to town this year. Nothing for pornos? WTF?!

• Ashley is One Multi-Cultural Name — This press release shows the top 10 New York City baby names in 2004 by race. Ashley was the top Hispanic baby name, fifth among blacks and seventh for Asian and Pacific islander. Yet, it's nowhere in the top 10 among whites.

• NYC Noise — Somebody in my neighborhood started a blog to bitch about all the noise emanating from our local bars. Talk about an exciting read!

• Overpriced Cocktail Hall of Shame — The Village Voice highlights pricey concoctions served at places I probably wouldn't be caught dead in. Also see: Part II

• Panorama of Times Square on New Year's Eve — The most fun part: zooming in on Mariah's golden globes.

• ZogSports Comes to Hoboken — Not so much a New York topic, unless you work here and live in New Jersey. Anyway, this rec league is great, so give 'em a look if you like sports, booze and sweaty chicks. You might even meet one or two people who don't work in the finance industry.

• New York Hack — A blog run by a New York City cabbie. And it's a chick, too. Think of all the available guys at that company party. Parking must be a bitch, though. Read Gothamist's interview with her.

• 4th Annual Marc S. Zeplin Foundation 3-on-3 Basketball Challenge — On March 18, hoop it up to benefit Children's Charities and the Marc Zeplin Scholarship Fund, named for a Cantor Fitzgerald employee who was fallen on 9/11. All teams play a minimum of three games, followed by single-elimination playoffs.

Y'all Know Men Get Five Erections a Night, Right?

In a few weeks, three male friends and I will be hitting Tampa to catch a few Yankees spring training games. I wasn't involved in the travel specifics, but I know my hotel math when it comes to guys' road trips:

2 Guys - 1 room, two double beds
3 Guys - 1 room, two double beds, one rollaway bed for $10 surcharge, rock-paper-scissors to determine who gets stuck with the cot
4 Guys - 2 rooms

One of 'em drops this bomb the other night:

"I think we got one room for Tampa."

Again, we have four guys. (And no, the other two aren't A-Rod and Jeter.)

I reply with the obvious: "WHAT?!?!?!"

He does the "what's the big deal?" thing. And he ain't talking sleeping bags. He's actually thinking of sharing beds. What the fuck is this, Brokeback Baseball?

I look around for TV cameras trying to catch me getting pranked. I ask him 12 times if he's kidding. Nope.

"What's the big deal?" I ask rhetorically. "BECAUSE GUYS GET FIVE HARD-ONS A NIGHT, THAT'S THE BIG DEAL!!!"

He and the four females in our party were unaware of this fact. How much time they've spent around a penis, I don't know. I have almost 33 years of experience, and I can tell you it's true. (This "Go Ask Alice" explainer does a good job of laying out the science, but I refute its tally of four per night, thinking that five is more accurate, since not all of the sleep-time boners last two hours.)

Why do you think it's such a huge risk to sleep in boxers on a friend's couch? You never know when the dog's gonna walk itself.

Today's Web Finds:

• Arizona State Student Caught Whacking Off to Online Porn in Library — I'd give this kid automatic straight A's just for delivering this excuse: "To be honest, the Internet connection at my dorm isn't good enough." (Thanks, Laurie)

• Reviews on Esteban's Piece-of-Shit Guitar — Finally caught one of this asshole's late-night infomercials, proclaiming his cheap, custom guitar as "best" this and "finest" that and wanted to throw up. Now, I'm all for buying a low-grade instrument to learn on before making a truer investment, but to blatantly lie about its quality is sickening. If he can't be honest and say it's a beginner's tool, then I can't say for sure I wouldn't kick him in the nuts if given the chance. Why is this accepted on TV when retail stores would be called to the carpet for flat-out deceiving customers? It's a fucking crime, perpetrated by every writer, producer and cameraperson in this theft. And no, I never bought one. I own a Takamine EG-531SC, which has received much more favorable reviews.

• Who Was the "Bouncing Topless Woman on Plane" in Airplane!? — Someone asked this question on a message board and I found out Kitten Natividad was given that exact credit. Never heard of her, but if you do a Google Images search for her, you can see her prepare to tongue someone's balls. Which is always fun.

• Maxim's Video of Stacey Keibler Photoshoot — Hot stuff of my No. 1 broad, though I'd settle for Alyssa Milano if I had to. Anyway, the only things that concern me about Stacey are that people who obsess over fitness scare me, and I'm not sure if she's too much of a goody-goody. I might need to come across one Page 6 article in which she admits to enjoy giving road head or something. Then her crown is solid for three years, at least. While we're at it, here's a site hat boasts over 5,900 pictures of Stacey, including these new high-res scans from Diva magazine (found in only the finest dentist's offices).

• Latina Pamela David Showing Massive Cleavage — Can't say I've ever heard of her. Can't say I'd last more than two minutes, either.

• Overheard in New York: Jizz for Peanut Butter a Fair Trade — Some dude complains to his gal that he doesn't want to share a particular sundae, because he hates the taste of peanut butter. She retorts: "Are you kidding me? I ate your jizz just a couple of hours ago. I think you eating the ice cream I want would be a decent fucking compromise!" Hey, baby, guess who just ordered a year's supply of Jif?

• My Name Is All Over These Fucking Porn Blogs — Link goes to a Google Blogs search for my name, which is rooted, heavily, in these stupid porn sites that don't even seem to exist. Check out this super-gay excerpt: "She felt very warm and oh so paul katcher tight!" And another gem: "Linda looked up paul katcher at her father as she slowly descended down to her knees." Can't say I'm a fan of this one: "She lifted her ass off the bed, paul katcher fucking her dildo harder and harder." In other news, I'm never running for office.

• Double-Vented Willywarmers Are Here! — It's a thermal sock for your cock. I hear these are huge in Milan. (Found on Thrillist)

• David Hasselhoff Video: Hooked on a Feeling — If this is real, I'm throwing myself off the tallest bridge I can find before the end of the week. (Thanks, Laurie)

• 100 Greatest Dogs in Pop Culture History — Well, 99 dogs and Dino the dinosaur. Dogbert and Muttly over Rowlf and Astro? No fucking way. (Found on Gorilla Mask)

• Kitchen-Stocking Tips — I took a five-day cooking course last week and, wow, let's just say I didn't know what the fuck I was doing before. Anyway, this Metafilter post and tons of user comments are filled with great advice, in terms of how to spend your money on knives (good chef's knife and paring knife are essential), pans, utensils, etc., and where you can buy such items.

• Gallery of Demonic Tots and Deeply Disturbing Cuisine — Food ads from the 50s, starring freckled-faced freaks. (Found on Hot Johnny and All of His Pants)

• NYC Chick Bloggers' Spread in The Daily — The comments at the end of this Gawker post are bitchy, bitchy, bitchy. That site hosts enough hate to make the Trench Coat Mafia blush.

• Wikipedia: Cain and Abel — The story of the third and fourth human beings ever, as told to the Internet generation. I'm sure nothing has gotten lost in the translation during this time.

• I'm Pro-Choice and I Fuck — The Village Voice's Lusty Lady on the intimate link between reproductive and sexual freedom.

• Pixel Counting Joins Film in Obsolete Bin — The megapixel race is pretty much over, as I've told you before. At this point, even the most average compact digicams are capable of printing photos larger than the significant majority of people need or even want. But image stabilization is hot.

• Porn Stars Dillan Lauren and Ava Vincent in On-Set Cat Fight — Two words sum up this buffet brawl: FLYING BURRITO.

• Legendary New Orleans Entertainer Eddie Gabriel Confirmed Dead — Sad, sad news about the man who played at Pat O'Brien's for more than 67 years and went missing when Katrina hit. I had the privilege of posing for a picture with him in 2001, after our own tough times here.

Look Who Made it to Pittsburgh's Victory Parade

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• My Photoshop pic of Big Ben and Bill Leavy
• Sport fishing is lame? No way
• Refs miss call in Lingerie Bowl, too
• Odds to win the 2007 Super Bowl
• "Slump Buster" apparel now available
• MLB.com sells Steelers title merchandise
• WWE Hall of Fame roster and bios
• Another Olympics video game sucks
• Myron Cope on his Terrible Towel's legacy
• ... and more

Oh, and big ups to Brooks for posting these photos from Hawaii. Holy crap.

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

And My Super Bowl Bets Are...

(Post updated to include results from the game. Wagered $120 and got back $140. Lost $15 on three $5 boxes. Net gain: five whole dollars! But 500 cents sounds way more impressive.)

Online sports books have become big business, but not because of me. In fact, I'd forgotten I had $120 left in my account from after last year's Super Bowl.

Here's how I sprinkled that around for Sunday's game...

Steelers -4 Over Seahawks, -120, Bet $60 to Win $50
The -120 line sucks — Matchbook.com is offering +101 on that wager, which would net me an extra $10 with a win — but I'm not in the mood to open accounts I'll never use.

Anyway, you know from my preview that I'm big on the Steelers on Sunday. It just feels like one of those, "Well, I wouldn't be surprised if the Steelers won big or close, or if the Seahawks won close. But I'd be surprised if the Seahawks won big." To me, that rationale is worth more than 4 points.

RESULT: WINNER! Steelers win, 21-10, in a game so ugly I'm not even sure you can sell DVDs of it in Pittsburgh. I still don't know how a favorite covers when its QB throws up a 22.6 rating.

Steelers -10½ Over Seahawks, +200, Bet $10 to Win $20
Eh, could make for an interesting fourth quarter, even if the Steelers are up double-digits. Just a few bucks to try to double.

RESULT: WINNER! Late pick keeps the lead at 11.

Shaun Alexander's First Rushing Attempt - Under +4½ Yards, -120, Bet $10 to Win $8
If the MVP doesn't break a 5-yarder on his first attempt — and I'm thinking two yards and a wall of white — my next 1½ beers are paid for.

RESULT: LOSER! The fucker gets 8 yards on a sweep. This was a fun bet, though. Gotta look for more of these next year.

Willie Parker Rushes for 21½ More Yards Than Maurice Morris in the First Half, -130, Bet $20 to Win $15
I never even heard of Morris till I researched this wager. He rushed for 288 yards in 16 games this season. That works out to 9 yards per half. Parker rushed for 1,388 yards, or 43 yards per half. Advantage: Parker, even with the Bettis homecoming and laying the nearly 21½ yards. Now go out there and bust one, Fast Willie.

RESULT: LOSER! Morris never touches the ball, and Parker finishes with 93 rushing yards — 82 in the second half, including a 75-yard touchdown on his first touch after a pathetic 11-yard first half.

Tracy McGrady to Score 7 More Points Than Matt Hasselbeck Has Completions, -120, Bet $20 to win $17
This is the most fun one, because it starts with a noon NBA game and doesn't end till Hasselbeck is on his back around 10 p.m. ET.

Let's start with my prediction for Hasselbeck's performance. I can see one of those typical losing-QB lines like 20-38, 244 yards, 1 TD, 2 INTs.

In order to tie that, McGrady would need to score 27 points, exactly his average.

But here's the kicker: McGrady and the Rockets visit the Knicks. The fucking Knicks! He's gonna score 50, and Hasselbeck's gonna need 43 completions.

RESULT: LOSER! McGrady was gunning, launching 26 field goals. Hasselbeck finishes with a 67.8 rating. This bet's a blowout, right? Right, but not for me. McGrady hits only nine field goals, misses both 3-point attempts and collects five free throws for 23 points. Hasselbeck airs it out 49 times and completes 26.

And the Wagers I Passed On: The first song the Rolling Stones play at halftime (couldn't find credible online rumors), the color of the sports drink to be dumped on the winning head coach (not sure which flavors these teams preferred) and like 500 more.

(Note to any FBI-employed readers: As usual, $ signs are used because of their familiarity with value. In reality, I wagered only "credits," not U.S. dollars.)

NFL Playoff Preview and Pick: Super Bowl XL

When the Super Bowl matchup was set a couple of weeks ago, I felt we lucked out and got an even matchup. Can you imagine if the Colts had rolled, as expected, and the Panthers came in depleted, like they did in Seattle? We'd be looking at a possible 14-point spread.

My initial reaction, after both conference champs looked dominant on Jan. 22, was that the line could be a straight pick 'em. I was a bit surprised to see the line at Steelers -4, but then I thought about it, and thought about, and ... I can't believe Pittsburgh isn't an even bigger favorite.

You can do all the positional analysis you want, but the edge was summed up best by Mike Francesa (of WFAN's Mike & The Mad Dog radio program), who likened the routes each team took to the Super Bowl with those of the Ravens and Giants in 2001. Baltimore was only a 3-point favorite in Super Bowl XXXV, but no one looks back at the 34-7 thrashing it handed New York with a hint of shock. In other words, we should have seen it coming.

And the reason is this: Baltimore played in the tougher conference, finished only second in its division and had to win against 11-5 Denver, at 13-3 Tennessee and at 12-4 Oakland to get to the Super Bowl. The Ravens won each of those contests by 13 points or more, flexing their defensive muscle throughout.

The Giants certainly didn't limp in, hammering the 11-5 Eagles at home, before thrashing the 11-5 Vikings, 41-0, at the Meadowlands. But again, looking back, it's easy to see how that wasn't as great a test as thumping the celebrated Titans and Raiders in their own backyards.

These things we know: The AFC was the superior conference this season. The Steelers went through possibly the toughest playoff road ever to get here. When Big Ben's been healthy, the Steelers have looked every bit as dominant as the team that went 15-1 in the 2004 regular season. And this is technically a road game for both squads; there's no question which team is hurt less by the absence of a full home crowd and the presence of corporate nitwits.

There are times when we scratch our heads and it takes awhile to figure out if a victory was pure luck or if we missed something in the scouting reports: Patriots over Rams, Marlins over Yankees, Pistons over Lakers. But way more often than not, we know we should have seen it coming. And no one should be surprised when the Steelers win 27-14.

Super Bowl Parties in NYC:

• MurphGuide's Extensive List of Parties — Dozens of possibilities in every neighborhood. Plenty of Steelers-friendly bars in town, too. Seahawks not so much.

• Thrillist's List of Interesting Venues — Floating kegs at the Hotel QT indoor pool, $25 all-you-can-drink on the Upper East Side, $9,500 for a party of 10 at the Mandarin Oriental's Taipan Suite and Jeromes drink free at Antarctica.

Who Was Miss Teschmacher, Anyway? A Study in Eye Candy

One of the first movies I ever saw in a theater was Superman, which was released in 1978. So I must've been 5 years old the first time I was mesmerized by Miss Teschmacher's tits. It would not be the last.

Just the other night, there she was on my TV, smoking some two-foot-long cigarette with her juggs begging to be released from the clutches of Lex Luther, a man who, despite boasts of being the greatest criminal mind of his time, had the courtesy to address this double-pump milk dispenser as "Miss."

Back then I didn't have the appreciation for superfluous eye candy that I have now. I was probably more enraptured by the Fortress of Solitude or some shit. Maybe even Marlon Brando's chins. But now that I'm, um, mature, I'm left to ponder: Who was Miss Teschmacher? What was her deal? And did she ever take those puppies out for a walk?

Here's what I found out:

Miss Teschmacher's first name was Eve. Off to a bad start, as Eve is the namesake of the bitch who now makes Catholic girls feel guilty for having pre-marital sex. Not that they enjoy it any less, but that's for another post, when I feel like losing half my readers.

Eve Teschmacher was played by Valerie Perrine. Ever hear of her? Me neither. Perrine's IMDB page lists her credits, including "Female Cop Pulling Over Lamborghini Babes" in The Cannonball Run. She was born Sept. 3, 1943, which makes her 62 years old. Or, as I like to call it, perfectly ripe!

Valerie Perrine was Playboy's August 1981 covergirl. Was she naked in it? The fuck if I know. A Google Images search for "valerie + perrine + playboy" brings up nothing but PG-rated cover images, but a search for just "valerie + perrine" unearths some kind of boobage. My verdict: bogus. If some celeb gets naked, it appears on Google Images 400 times, not once or twice. (If someone out there was buying Playboys a quarter-century ago, help us out with this. I'll kick in some kind of donation toward your Medicaid.)

Miss Teschmacher's measurements were 39-24-35. What, you doubt Celebrity Sleuth magazine? (Eh, I don't buy it, either. The measurements, that is. The magazine I buy, through automatic-renewing subscriptions.)

Miss Teschmacher was the 'Mother of Harlots' and 'Mary Magdalene.' Or so says a 2003 piece in the Journal of Religion and Film titled "The Unholy Biblical Subtexts and Other Religious Elements Built into Superman: The Movie (1978) and Superman II (1981)." You think I'm kidding?

Miss Teschmacher had some serious bowel control. Wikipedia's Superman II entry includes this exchange:

[Lex Luthor and Miss Teschmacher explore Superman's Fortress of Solitude.]
Lex Luthor: It's beautiful! It has everything.
Miss Teschmacher: Wrong.
Lex Luthor: Why didn't you go before we left?
Miss Teschmacher: That was two days ago.

Miss Teschmacher answers to only one call. "Miss Teschmacher!!!"

Strange: Elway's Favorite TV Show Isn't 'Mr. Ed'

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Broncos HOF can't get enough of Herman Munster
• What do Kobe's 81 and Lance Tours have in common?
• Get yer World Baseball Classic jerseys
• Butterface places at Aqueduct last Saturday
• Bill Belichick to serve as SB pre-game analyst
• "Buffalo sleeper" doesn't refer to Rob Johnson
• Most hideous pic of Al Davis ever
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.