PaulKatcher.com

Jeff Bezos Wants to Sell You a Fart Pillow

If I was worth $4.1 billion, I wouldn't sell fart cushions. I'm sure the profit margin is high and all, but there's only so many trailer homes out there, ya know?

But I ain't Amazon.com founder Jeff Bezos, so I wish him luck in peddling the "GasBGon Flatulence Odor Control Seat Cushion — Signature Series."

The jokes are so easy, they almost write themselves.

First, what's this "signature series" all about? Is it signed by someone's ass? I haven't seen a title so preposterous since The Original Whizzinator.

Second, it comes in four patterns: Black, Musical Solo, Silent But Deadly, and, yes, the checkboard Winner's Circle. Yeah, the same model Jeff Gordon plans to ass-blast all over Daytona next month.

Third, the user reviews are hilarious. Check out these snippets, edited, in some instances, to coherent English:

fmj010 says: "Like all husbands, my wife is convinced that I am the gasiest man in the world. Of course, the truth is she rips off some massive farts that she is certain are both odorless and feminine. We share a workspace together and, whenever she feels like dropping a bomb, she just lets it rip."

Bruce E. Chang says: "At least two puffs of putrid air ahead of its predecessor the chickenscratch series, this cushion really does the trick. Instead of a direct inhalation, it's more like gently wafting the odor and no one is the wiser, except you of course *wink*."

Red Headed Stranger says: "I take the butt blaster everywhere I go; in the pick-up, to my head-injury support group meetings, and even to church PEW. Ha ha ha. Thanks, Fart Pillow!"

J. Harms says: "Usually my farts are bad enough that people around me say they can actually TASTE them. Not anymore!"

Zeb Squirrel says: "My name is Zeb and my farts stink. But now no one has to know unless I want them to — which is occasionally when a guest overstays his welcome!"

And While We're on the Subject...

• Wind Breaks: Coming to Terms With Flatulence — A paperback book available on — you guessed it — Amazon.com. Buy it used for the low, low price of $0.01.

• Wikipedia's Extensive Entry on Flatulence — Pretty soon we're gonna have to rename this site TMI.com, unless you really wanted to know that worms fart.

Today's Web Finds:

• Auto Suck: The In-Car Masturbator — "Plugs into any lighter!" blares the packaging on this eBay-listed item. It also advises, "Warning: This unit may cause ejaculation." Well, I should hope so for $31.99.

• Best Week Ever Blog — VH1's blog on pop-culture happenings is actually pretty good. Now if someone could tell them they don't need to put the date in huge type (larger than the headline, which makes no sense) over every fucking post.

• Man's Hiccup-Cure Idea For Nephew Turns Deadly — Ya know, people have tried to scare me out of hiccups, but they stopped short of pulling out a gun and accidentally shooting me to death.

• Webshots: Now That's a Body Shot — Whipped cream and boobies. Montreal sure is fun. (Found on CollegeHumor.com)

• Business 2.0's 101 Dumbest Moments in Business 2005 — Combine 'em all and you still can't fuck up as much as the merger between Time Warner and AOL. (My initial stock options at the start of 2001 were at $48. The current price is $17.29.)

• Online Service Makes Matches in the Sky — A New York-based company allows people to post profiles and find seatmates on flights. I wonder if the screen name "MileHighClubOrBust" is taken.

Attention, MySpace Whores: Playboy Wants You

Are you a female age 18 or older? Do you have a MySpace profile? Are you willing to show your ass to the world?

If you answered "yes" to all of these questions, add me to your list of friends.

But also check out Playboy.com's Girls of MySpace Search.

All you need to do is provide them the following:

• At least two current snapshots: one headshot and one full-body shot (bikini or nude)
• A clear and legible copy of a government-issued photo ID proving you are 18 or older. If you have two IDs, even better
• Your MySpace display name and e-mail address so we can verify your membership in the MySpace community

And, for a limited time only, I am offering a free screening service to anyone who wants to run her photos by me first. I don't even require a government-issued photo ID. Hell, you don't even need a MySpace account.

(Any pictures sent of that lard-ass from Paris, Ky., will immediate be rejected as a bad joke I thought of before you did.)

Today's Web Finds:

• Gene Simmons' Only Risk Factor: Polio? — Came across this profile of the rocker who's claimed to have had sex with several thousand women. Since he doesn't drink, smoke or do dugs, it lists his only risk factor as polio. I don't know, I think I can come up with several thousand more.

• Sharon Stone Pictures from Basic Intinct 2 — She's still smokin', man. A little too issue-conscious for my dumb ass, though. You know who's my Flavor of the Week? Maria Bello in The Cooler. Those were some hot scenes, despite having to endure a shot of her cupping William H. Macy's junk, and then seeing his ass jiggle when he was banging the headboard.

• Hot Johnny and All of His Pants — A friend of mine, who lives out in the country (Brooklyn), runs a humor blog that ranges from pop culture to politics to finding the perfect title for the inevitable gay porn version of Brokeback Mountain.

• Bloggers Respond to Joel Stein's Column — Link goes to a Google Blog search that finds posts reacting to Stein's controversial "Warriors and Wusses" column.

• Woman Gets Sick From Door-to-Door Tattoo Salesmen — Good Lord, Springfield, Mo. If you want us to send a shipment of brains out there, just ask! (Thanks, Laurie)

ESPN's Three Stooges Go out With Zero Stars

On Thursday, SI.com published the column I most look forward to reading every year: Dr. Z.'s Annual TV Commentator Awards.

I enjoy it for several reasons:

1. It breaks up the Super Bowl hype. Ya know, in those years when there's a Super Bowl matchup worth hyping. Hey, did y'all know Jerome Bettis is from Detroit? When that's the biggest storyline, you know we're in trouble. We've got three cities involved here: Seattle, Pittsburgh and Detroit, best known for rain, steel mills and crime. Columnists are giving kids Seahawks jerseys to wear in Pennsylvania schools and just praying one of 'em gets another smackdown. Not that this can't be a close game, but it's not exactly when Marino and Montana shared the SI cover before Super Bowl XIX.

2. Dr. Z.'s lunacy is part hilarity. I love his stuff, but he's to football-viewing what Jack Byrnes was to Meet the Fockers. You have to worry about a guy who charts every play with different-colored pens, and keeps his own stats, because he doesn't trust the league offices. The man has issues.

3. I can skip right to the bottom to find my favorite broadcasting trio: ESPN's Mike Patrick, Joe Thiesmann and Paul Maguire, whom Dr. Z mockingly refers to as the Three Stooges. While "awarding" them zero stars (again), Dr. Z holds to his promise of not flogging them (his words, not mine) any further, save relaying this Theismann gem from the 'Skins-Bucs game officiated by Mike Carey: "This game has the potential to get out of hand, and I'm sure Mike Carey's gonna keep it that way."

Highlights From Dr. Z's Latest:

• "[Solomon] Wilcots is the best in the business at telling you what's going on in the secondary..." Eh, I don't know. I have Wilcots No. 3 on breaking down coverages, behind Bill Maas and Phil Simms, but tops in identifying double-tight-end packages and No. 2, behind Brian Baldinger, at explaining offensive line slide-protection schemes. Or, um, whatever you say, Z.!

• "[Dick Stockton is] the best flag man ... because he's on any penalty like a shot." Again, Z., get some sunlight, bro. Put down those charts, go for a walk and smell that New Jersey air. (Then again, that ain't the best advice I've ever given someone.)

• On ESPN's Sterling Sharpe, an absolutely abysmal analyst, in my opinion: "First we got the lesson in some flaky kind of orthopedics for receivers, getting their shoulders over their feet, or something. I tried it later , in the bathtub, and wound up falling on my face." Ha-ha. See, Z.'s still a sharp writer.

Looking Back:
Dr. Z.'s Seventh Annual TV Commentator Awards | Sixth | Fifth | Fourth | Third | Second | First

More People Who Hate the ESPN Sunday Night Football Crew:

• The Troika Tracker — ColdHardFootballFacts.com kept tabs on the Three Stooges' lowlights this season.

• ESPN Sunday Night Football Announcers: You're Idiots — Forty-five comments from haters below blogger Tom Sherman's post.

SI: Please No More Venus Williams Crabwalk Photos!

Thursday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• This Venus ain't no goddess of beauty and love
• Lakers team photo: just Kobe
• Sick of Artest? Wait till T.O. moves
• The Onion on Patriots victory parade
• NBA TV to air game sans announcers
• Early looks at college football Top 25
• Happy birthday to Gretzky and Uecker
• Technical called on Penders for fainting
• Gene Simmons advises John Daly on marriage
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Indian Yoga vs. Irish Yoga

Drag your mouse over the image to see the difference...

(Thanks to Shumpy for the images.)

Today's Web Finds:

• Video: Fuckin' U.S.A. — Hey, these Asian nuts aren't allowed to make fun of our incompetent President like that. Only we're allowed to do that. (Found on GorillaMask.net)

• Essay: Farewell to the McRib — Goodbye, my lover. Goodbye, my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me ... to fart all over my college lecture halls from 1990-94.

• How to Get a Killer Lapdance — Hmm, I'm gonna guess No. 1 is "Give some chick who doesn't give a shit about you an assload of money."

• Joel Stein: Warriors and Wusses — My former coworker, and someone I consider a friend, sticks his neck out with an L.A. Times column that begins, "I don't support our troops," and gets even more daring from there. The crux of his argument lies in this paragraph: "But blaming the president is a little too easy. The truth is that people who pull triggers are ultimately responsible, whether they're following orders or not. An army of people making individual moral choices may be inefficient, but an army of people ignoring their morality is horrifying. An army of people ignoring their morality, by the way, is also Jack Abramoff's pet name for the House of Representatives."

• 50 Most Loathsome People in America — You're No. 4. No, seriously.

Look What They Did to Captain Intangibles

Tuesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Jeter drills Ortiz in Yanks-Sux video game
• Odds on Damon fighting A-Rod on national TV
• Those super-hot 1960s Steelerettes
• Schilling gets head-starts on post-game buffets
• Art Monk ain't in my NFL HOF
• Graded sports collectibles out of control
• 500 pages of poker-playing tips
• Happy birthday, Mary Lou Retton
• Bengals cheerleader a "northern Kentucky sports legend"
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

To the Women Who Read This Shit:

Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!

Sincerely,
Paul Katcher

NFL Playoff Preview and Picks: Conference-Championship Round

For awhile now, people have regarded the NFL as a league defined by parity, and not necessarily in a good way. While none of the remaining teams are challenging for immortality alongside the likes of the 1972 Dolphins, '70s Steelers, '80s 49ers or '90s Cowboys, it's hard to beat these two coin-flip games that feature:

• Four coaches who've been the Super Bowl
• Four Pro Bowl quarterbacks
• This season's NFL MVP
• No fluky wins to get here
• No one-dimensional teams that either play scared on offense or couldn't stop the '76 Buccaneers on defense.

In the end, we've got two host teams who are undefeated at home this season against perhaps the best road warriors the NFL has to offer. How can you beat it?

And now for the picks...

PITTSBURGH (13-5) at DENVER (14-3), 3 p.m., CBS
If there was a song titled, "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Juuust a Bit Better," it would be Pittsburgh's theme here. I like Big Ben over Jake the Snake, who is playing as well as Peter King promised he would for the last five years. I like the Steelers' running game a smidge over the Broncos'. I like Hines Ward over any Denver receiver. I'd take Pittsburgh's AFC-leading defense over Denver's any day, but the Broncos allowed only 29 more yards per game and were second in the NFL with a plus-20 turnover ratio. And that was before the Patriots came to town.

Obviously, Pittsburgh was more impressive last week. They took it to Indy and got no breaks, whereas the Broncos benefited hugely from a questionable pass interference call and an uncharacteristic red-zone turnover by Tom Brady that meant a 14-point swing. Credit Champ Bailey with making a beautiful snag (his eight picks were third in the AFC), but I was glad to see his hot-dogging ass laid the fuck out by Ben Watson. Uh, nice blocking on the runback, Denver. Three guys loafing, and one ends up on his back during the entire review of his own fumble.

Can't underestimate the Denver crowd here, though. The Broncos are 4-0 in home AFC title games and have won 11 straight at Invesco Field. Last I checked Indy was no pushover at home, either, so I like the Steelers, who are looking every bit of the 15-1 steamrollers they were last regular season.

And one more thing: Amazing, isn't it, that almost no one brings up Ben Roethlisberger's youth? Two years in the league and his relative inexperience is never cause for concern. Nor should it be, from what I've seen.

Steelers don't have cheerleaders | Broncos Cheerleaders
Spread: Denver by 3
Paul's Pick: Steelers 21, Broncos 20

CAROLINA (13-5) at SEATTLE (14-3), 6:30 p.m., FOX
Has a team ever gone undefeated at home, reeled off 11 straight wins, had the league's MVP, beat a 13-1 team in Week 16, played in front of the loudest crowd in football and been only a 3½-point favorite against a non-division-winner whose top two running backs are out and whose best defender (Julius Peppers) has been kept out of practice?

I know, I know. Among those 11 consecutive victims were the Texans, Cardinals, Rams, 49ers, Eagles, 49ers (again!) and Titans. And the Colts took Week 16 off. And Shaun Alexander is softer than watching "When Harry Met Sally" while eating "just a salad." And Seattle seems kinda, um, mistake-y.

But they win. Whether it's Jay Feely missing three of his only four misses from 40-plus yards this year or playing the Eagles and Colts with Mike McMahon and Jim Sorgi under center, they've gotten it done.

What I don't love about the Panthers, besides not having a healthy Peppers, who's simply destructive, is that getting Steve Smith involved requires several levels of execution. He has to 1) get open; 2) get a good pass; and 3) make the catch. OK, that hasn't been a problem yet, but handing the ball to Alexander and having him run behind Walter Jones sounds simpler.

Panthers Cheerleaders | Seahawks Cheerleaders
Spread: Seattle by 3½
Paul's Pick: Seahawks 24, Panthers 17

LAST WEEK'S RECORD: 2-2
2005-06 PLAYOFFS RECORD: 3-5

Well, I Know What to Get With My Amazon.com Gift Certificate

I won a consolation prize in a football pool this season, and the reward was a $30 Amazon.com gift certificate. Not enough, unfortunately, to buy that $225,000 watch Jeff Bezos is hawking. I mean, who doesn't look to spend nearly a quarter-million dollars through an online retailer?

Anyway, they're selling this "Atkins Approved" T-shirt I've been looking to get, whcih should be a big hit at church functions ... if I ever decide to attend one.

And remember, ladies. Morning wake-ups are part of a balanced breakfast.

Today's Web Finds:

• Adrianne Curry's Playboy Photoshoot — I used to think she was pretty cool: equal parts goofy and raunchy. Those descriptions were replaced by clingy and emotional, not exactly high on my list. But ya know what? I'd still hit it.

• Best Blonde Joke Ever — I almost never post jokes here, but I'll link to one this good.

• The Lazy Man's Guide to Gun Cleaning — The author begins, "When I was young, I cleaned my guns with an almost religious fervor." I'm sure that didn't scare the neighbors at all.

• Mary Fulginiti Genow Is One Hot TV Legal Analyst — Saw this chick on some news show, and all I can say is, "I'm guilty!" Weird name, but this is a serious package of beauty and brains. She's gotta be the smartest hot broad in L.A., not that that's saying a whole lot. Anyway, we need to give her the Melissa Theuriau treatment and get about a bazillion screen grabs of her online.

• T-Shirt: I Shaved My Balls for This? — Hey, at least you didn't bleach your ass.

• Ten Common Mistakes Made by Blackjack Players — This would make for a great game of casino bingo. You and your friends try to find the most of these hands misplayed by fellow players.

• Phil Haney's 'Aristocrats' Joke Made Into Flash Movie — If you saw the flick, you'll think this is great. If you didn't, here's your initiation to one of the more, um, original family acts out there. (Found on GorillaMask.net)

• 10 Things Your Car Insurer Won't Tell You — Here's something that'll brighten your day: my insurance + parking costs $535 per month. Good thing gas is only $50 for a full tank.

• Time Lapse Video of L.A.-to-New York Drive — You can to skip ahead to get to the cool part, which is, of course, New York.

Tackling Dummy to Spend Super Bowl in Jail

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Cleveland judge puts this clown away
• 85-pound Super Bowl book planned
• Red Sux not interested in '04 Game 4 lineup card
• eBay: 1985 Villanova national championship ring
• Top-10 trouble poker hands
• WWE fantasy league now registering nerds
• Is Mike Shanahan a Hall of Famer?
• Video: Rickson Gracie brawls on Rio beach
• 58-hour hoops game ends in 3,688-3,444 score
• Manning's protection problems = condom commercial?
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

How to Lose at Blackjack: Wear This Cap

On Monday I celebrated racial diversity in a manner that would've made Martin Luther King, Jr. most proud: by trying to wrest money from Native Americans at the Mohegan Sun casino, located about two hours away from NYC in Connecticut. This being such a humane occasion, I almost rooted for the Red Sux fans at our blackjack table. Almost. Let's recap:

• Forgetting that my buddy and I — each lifelong Yankees fans — were invading New England, I was a bit taken aback by the amount of Sux apparel adorned by the mostly ham-and-egger crowd. At first I wondered if there was a breakout at a nearby mental institution. Then I remember that we were close to Massachusetts, so I looked under my feet for rats that may have escaped Fenway.

• The funniest Sux jacket I saw blared SIX-TIME WORLD CHAMPIONS and listed such years as '03. I'm thinking, "Wait, '03 was when Aaron Boone made grown men cry." I'd forgotten that the Boston Pilgrims beat the Pittsburgh Pirates, five games to three, in that classic 1903 World Series everyone still talks about. Besides that, though, it was a cool jacket. We have similar ones here, except ours start with the word TWENTY-.

• Not soon after we sat down, a guy in a Sux cap and jacket joined our table. He and some lady who could pass for Yogi Berra's body-double proceeded to whine about losing Johnny Damon and agreed that Roger Clemens "never looked right in a Yankee uniform." We contended he seemed a good fit in those 1999 and 2000 parades up the Canyon of Heroes.

• The table took a long time to heat up. I split aces against a 6 — one of the best possible best deals. Pulled a 6 on each and lost both. Horrendous. But it was obviously a smart play, unlike doubling on a 10 against an ace, which is what the Sux idiot did. His thought process must've gone something like this: "Well, the house has a bigger advantage now than before the deal, so let's double my risk!"

• The lady was all ready to split 8s against a 10, not exactly a fun play, but in line with basic blackjack strategy. He contended it was a poor play and dismissed "the card" with contempt. I wouldn't have minded if he invoked luck, perhaps sensing a low card to come, but to refute time-tested mathematical probabilities as bunk? Jeez. Anyway, such strategy lost him about $500, by my estimation and, as we were cashing out, his credit cards were being rejected for the third time. Smell ya in April!

Today's News Links:

• Blacks Likelier to Celebrate MLK Day — An Associated Press poll uncovered this shocking stat.

• Small Coffee Company Can Keep 'Charbucks' Name — Score one for Cleo McDowell's Big Mics and Golden Arcs, as well. (Thanks, Art)

• Bad Ticker: Clueless Investors Load Up on Wrong Stock — After a TV analyst recommends a Canadian stock, idiots buy up a crappy American stock with the same symbol on our exchange. Whoops.

• Man Changes Name To KentuckyFriedCruelty.com — The 19-year-old said his new name "never fails to spark a discussion." Which probably includes such questions as, "Are you a fucking moron?" (Thanks, Laurie)

• Baltimore Is Named America's Fittest City — This after Sidney Ponson left the Birds. Coincidence? I think not. Oh, congrats to Chicago on unseating Houston as the country's fattest city, which I thought was impossible.

• Pastor Who Preached Against Gays Arrested After Propositioning Male Undercover Police Officer — He says he was set up. Yeah, all set up to deliver a blowjob.

• Katrina Aftermath Includes Puppy Boom — Guess the pooches took the Bush route and just said, "Fuck it."

• Kid Solves Rubik's Cube in Record 11.13 Seconds — OK, this actually makes the guys who play Halo for 12 straight hours seem cool. Someone get this dude an Xbox 360 stat.

• Mechanic Sucked Into Jet Engine, Dies — Yikes.

NFL Playoff Preview and Picks: Divisional Round

The most wonderful time of the year? This week, of course.

The opening weekend of March Madness is generally considered the best weekend in sports, but I don't rate it higher than this round of the NFL playoffs that annually features four conference-championship-caliber matchups.

While I enjoy snoozing through a Duke drubbing of Delaware State as much as the next guy, there's clearly way more at stake here, since the winners will be within sniffing distance of the America's most-watched event. Second-round hoops upsets — besides teaching us where the hell Valparaiso is — do little but delay the inevitable for speed bumps and sometimes fuck up anticipated matchups we wanted to see more than North Carolina vs. Tennessee-Chattanooga.

The reasons why this weekened is even better than next in the NFL playoffs?

1. Twice the football. Duh.

2. Aside from a potential super-showdown between the Pats and Colts, none of the possible combinations of conference-championship games are any sexier than the four games we have now. (In the NFC, that's really saying something.)

3. There's still football to look forward to. When the games finish next week, we'll have nothing left but one game ... a game we have to wait two weeks to see, a game that may feature Jake Plummer vs. Rex Grossman, a game people will block your view of, a game where you're supposed to be present and silent during the commercials, a game with an extended halftime, a game that will have a blimp hovering over Detroit and sending back aerial shots of the "good parts," a game in which every asshat in the room will share with you his absurd scoring combinations to win the box pool ("All's I need is a field goal, a safety, a touchdown and a two-point conversation!").

Enjoy it while you can. And now for the picks...

Saturday's Games:

WASHINGTON (11-6) at SEATTLE (13-3), 4:30 p.m., FOX
I'm still trying to convince myself that laying nine points against a defense as active and disruptive as the Redskins' is a good idea. That going against Joe Gibbs — 5-0 in his career against the Seahawks — is a good idea. That going with Mike Holmgren — 0-4 in his career against the Redskins — is a good idea. That laying more than a touchdown with a team that hasn't won a playoff game since Ronald Reagan's first term is a good idea.

And then I look at these stats from Mark Brunell last week against the Bucs — 7 of 15, 41 yards, 0 TDs, 1 INT — and I feel a whole lot better.

I just hope Gibbs gameplans smarter than he speaks on Shaun Alexander, about whom he said: "He can hurt you by catching the ball out of the backfield." Yeah, with 15 catches for 78 yards on the season, he's a regular Marshall Faulk.

Redskins Cheerleaders | Seahawks Cheerleaders
Spread: Seattle by 9
Paul's Pick: Seahawks 24, Redskins 14

NEW ENGLAND (11-6) at DENVER (13-3), 8:15 p.m., CBS
This game reminds me a lot of last week's Pittsburgh-Cincy affair. Everyone was on the Steelers last week, and everyone seems to be on the Pats here. Maybe just media, though, because the line hasn't moved, giving you a solid field goal with the champs.

This is Denver's first home playoff game since 1999, which I was surprised to learn. Hell, even the Jets hosted a postseason game since ... and ended up blasting Peyton Manning and Colts.

Do you want Bill Belichick, Tom Brady and three points, or do you want Mike Shanahan, Jake Plummer and the home crowd? I favor gameplan and execution over any homefield advantage — and nobody gameplans like Belichick, and nobody executes like Brady. In other words, the home crowd can suck it.

Patriots Cheerleaders | Broncos Cheerleaders
Spread: Denver by 3
Paul's Pick: Patriots 27, Broncos 20

Sunday's Games:

PITTSBURGH (12-5) at INDIANAPOLIS (14-2), 1 p.m., CBS
You know why the Colts are the best team in football? Because not only are they coached by a guy who's led Tampa Bay and Indy to seven straight playoff berths — the third-longest streak in NFL history — but because they have studs.

You hear that, Jerry Porter? Studs.

Manning. Edge. Harrison. Freeney. All of 'em first-round picks. All of 'em may one day end up in Canton.

Pro Bowlers at QB, RB, WR, on the O-line, the D-line, at LB and in the secondary. These boys can play.

But I love Porter calling the Colts soft and accusing them of getting by on gimmicks. The irony is that he's admitting the Steelers couldn't beat a soft, gimmicky team a few weeks ago. Got punked, actually, 26-7 in prime time.

Crazy-whack Manning stat of the day: In the past three regular seasons, Manning has thrown for 106 TDs and 30 INTs. In 2005, Brett Favre threw for 20 TDs and 29 INTs.

Steelers don't have cheerleaders | Colts Cheerleaders
Spread: Indianapolis by 9½
Paul's Pick: Colts 38, Steelers 17

CAROLINA (12-5) at CHICAGO (12-4), 4:30 p.m., FOX
Don't look now, but we may have a little Belichick-Brady action going on with the Panthers. John Fox and Jake Delhomme are 4-1 in the playoffs together — their only loss coming to the Pats in Super Bowl XXXVIII — and last week's methodical demolition of the Giants doesn't just happen by accident. That was a masterful performance.

In five career postseason starts, Delhomme now fashions a passer rating of 105.1, with 1,127 passing yards, seven TDs and only one pick. Forgive me if I favor him over Rex Grossman, who's thrown for all of four touchdowns in his three-year career.

Like the Bears' defense, huh? I'll go with the team that ranked third in the league in yards allowed and pitched a shutout just last week against a team that had been averaging about 30 points per game at Giants Stadium.

Panthers Cheerleaders | Bears don't have cheerleaders
Spread: Chicago by 3
Paul's Pick: Panthers 20, Bears 14

LAST WEEK'S RECORD: 1-3
2005-06 PLAYOFFS RECORD: 1-3

Can This Man Take on the World?

Thursday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Andruw Jones sole Netherlands WBC rep
• New "I Am Indy" anthem akin to car wreck
• Video: Michael Bolton's Winning Softball
• Ugliest autographed collectible ever
• Anti-Nike T-Shirt: You Do It
• Download: 2006 World Cup wall chart
• Messier jersey retirement tix: $1,250 a pop
• Mr. October: "What the fuck is a sports blogger?"
• Video: Dipshit weightlifter calls for mama
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

See, I Told You Hamburger: The Motion Picture Is Great

This week, I'm playing the role of Mr. Clean, throwing out bags upon bags of stuff in my apartment. The rule is basically this: If I haven't picked it up in a year, be it a piece of clothing, a book, a CD, it's gone. If I had no use for it in 2005, I probably won't need it in the future, and sentimentality be damned. That's how I'm rollin' in 0-6.

Before I give these things the Hefty treatment, I survey eBay for their street value. And ya know what? Nothing is worth shit. Absent of shipping costs, anything more than three months old can be had for $2. The Great Gatsby: $2. A Mary Chapin Carpenter CD: $2. A horrible Leslie Nielsen golf video: minus-$2.

Last time I put my hands on any of these things was maybe 2001, when I moved them from the Upper East Side to the Upper West. What the fuck was I doing? Holding onto them for another five years, when they'll be worth $2.10? Begone! And bring 200 books, CDs and shirts with you.

But I am holding onto that $20 VHS tape of Hamburger: The Motion Picture.

Yep, you heard me, my all-time favorite movie — the one my friends rag on me for, the one I got as a 30th birthday present, the one with gratuitous nudity, a spatula-wielding Dick Butkus, under-the-Chinese-restaurant-table pussy eating, tons of fat jokes, a pickle torture chamber, a character named Nacio Herb Zipser and the lovely and talented Randi Brooks as Mrs. Vunk — goes for $20 on the secondary market.

Check it: As of PK.com press time, this VHS copy was going for $20.50 on eBay with a day to go. That's about six times more than this can of Insta-Poop.

In fact, there's a dogfight for all copies of Hamburger: The Motion Picture on eBay. And while a number of Amazon sellers stock it, no one's letting it go for less than $23.

Let's see that pile of chick-flick shit Wedding Crashers garner anywhere near that value in 20 years.

Completed Unrelated Note: Was having dinner with a friend Tuesday night. Next to us were two seemingly straight guys (horrible dressers, BBQ joint, totally un-gay hair, split check) sharing an ice-cream dessert in the middle of their two-person table. Easily one of the top-five gayest things I've ever seen.

I Got $100 For Anyone Who Dares the 'Chili Dog'

The other night, some friends and I were waiting for dinner to be delivered and, as is often the case, the conversation swayed toward disgusting shit I find on the Internet. Specifically, Wikipedia's entry on the Cleveland Steamer, which learns us that crapping on one's chest and then rubbing it in with your ass has also been referred to as the Cincinnati Bow Tie and the Pasadena Mudslide. All worthy locales, in my opinion, to claim ownership.

Wikipedia also tells us that it is "used as an extreme method of breaking up with someone." And here I thought it was a form of marriage proposal. Or a way for Curt Schilling and Jason Varitek to get through the off-season.

From there, a Google search for Blumpie — uh, we waited a really long time for the food, and I couldn't stop laughing — took us to the Dictionary of Poo Sex, where I learned of the Chili Dog.

Check out these steps to taking your relationship to another level:

1. Crap a loose, Slushee-like stool on a woman's chest. There's your buns and chili.
2. Now add a hot dog, in the form of your hard dick, to slide through the mess.

Warning from the Dictionary: "Discoloring of the breasts may occur." Not a problem, I don't think, if it's not bikini season.

I know what you're thinking. What man could actually remain aroused during this whole episode? I don't even think Charlie Sheen or Matt Dillon is capable.

But understand this: some couple has done this. I absolutely guarantee it. If the Internet has done anything, it's exposed us to activities of the strangest people on the planet, stories mainstream media never touched before or since. But you know these scatalogicians are out there. Perhaps they live next door to you. And maybe he delivered that gyro pizza, because it would've started the job just fine.

Today's Web Finds:

• Montreal Strip Clubs Blog — A full-contact stripblog by Nero Brass, who, his bio says, is "considered by those outside and within the Montreal strip club industry to be an expert and a 'regular.'" I'm sure he gets laid tons. (Thanks, Ayan)

• Video Clip: Booty Shakers — If these broads keep bouncin', we're gonna have another tsunami. (Thanks, Eddie)

• Top 10 Movie Nude Scenes of 2005 — Total flicks I saw: 0.

• Hoff Soap — For the first time in my life, I'm hoping that hairy arm belongs to a woman, as she squeezes soap out of David Hasselhoff's pants. (Thanks, Jim)

• How to Order Wine Without Looking Like an Asshole — Twenty-six tips from WaiterRant.net.

• Photo Albums: Last Night's Party — Damn, these cokeheads know how to get down.

• eBay: Last 1,000 Pixels on MillionDollarHomepage.com — Over $160,000 for an ad on a site that's gonna have the shelf-life of Survivor's Gervase Peterson? I don't get it.

• Paul Lynde's Quips on Hollywood Squares — He must've had onions the size of Texas to look at Leslie Uggams after being asked "True or false: Roma legend has it that God made the people of the world in a large oven" and say, "Looks like you were overcooked."

• Search Flickr by Drawing Sample Image — Works like shit, because I drew a couple of melons (the good kind) and came up with some tomatoes (the bad kind).

• Contikue.com — One man's extensive chronicle of visiting 17 countries, with 52 people, over 46 days, through Contiki's Ultimate European tour.

• Shitload of Fantasy Fest 2005 Pics — Love the guy who looks like the Iron Sheik. Here's another album. And some more.

Anyone Want 22 Worthless NFC Championship Game Tickets?

Ten miles away from my seat in Section 216 on Sunday, tucked in a drawer in my apartment, were 22 tickets (pictured) to a potential Jan. 22 NFC championship game bewteen the Redskins and Giants at the Meadowlands.

Face value: $2,950. Street value: $6,500 or so. Not that there was a lot riding on this game or anything.

No real loss, though. The Giants will simply credit our account for next year's tickets. If all season-ticket holders chose that option instead of immediate refund by check, the Giants will be holding $10 million in 2006 season-ticket money six months in advance.

Thoughts on Panthers 23, Giants 0:

• My first-ever NFL playoff game, my first-ever "towel game." All attendees got one, and they looked really cool during the raucous opening kickoff — though it felt pretty gay to actually twirl it around. When Jake Delhomme was sacked to end the Panthers' first drive, the stadium was up for grabs, and I looked forward to three hours of rockin' and rollin'. That excitement lasted about three minutes.

• If this were a baseball game, the Panthers would have scored eight runs on 16 hits and made no errors. The Giants would have been shut out on two hits and committed three errors. Have you attended one of those nightmares, where the crowd doesn't make a sound after the fourth inning? That was my afternoon.

• By the third quarter, the white towels had a few alternate uses. We wiped our runny noses with them, waved them like French militia; and we rolled them into penis shapes and pretended to ejaculate into the hair of the woman sitting in front of us. Because that's what you do when you spent $105 to get kicked in the nuts.

• I didn't see a single Panthers fan till after the game. That's when you know you have no national following, when you don't even have fans in New York, a city with more transplants than any. Have you people down there heard of airplanes? Did you know there was a playoff game in a fairly popular tourist destination?

Thoughts on the Giants' Season:

• Vegas' over/under on Giants wins this season was 7, so, overall, so ya gotta be pleased going 11-5 and winning the NFC East. But...

• This was a generally healthy season, and that's a situation you have to take advantage of. I know about the injuries to linebackers and offensive lineman, but just ask the Eagles, Packers and Jets what it's like to lose quarterbacks, running backs and receivers. And...

• They were, at one point, the NFC's best team. That moment came in Seattle, in a game they clearly deserved to win, 192 false-start penalties notwithstanding. To come back from Jay Feely's missed kicks, to grab back the momentum again and again in overtime, was impressive. Then...

• Eli Manning regressed instead of progressed. Since Seattle, he threw for four touchdowns and 10 interceptions (game-by-game stats). In the first six games, four of 'em New York victories, Manning threw for 12 touchdowns and only four picks. With 24 NFL starts and four years of SEC football under his belt, the kid talk is over. Next year we start evaluating whether he was worth a No. 1 pick. And, sure, he's shown signs that he can be. But then he shows up for press conferences dressed like a 10th grader who forgot his comb on picture day 1988, and you wonder.

• Tiki Barber for the Hall of Fame? My gut says no — this was only his second Pro Bowl season — but check this: He's currently 20th all-time, and could easily wind up in the top 10 ever, in yards from scrimmage (leaderboard). He's got 528 career receptions, and I count only three running backs with more than 600 (leaderboard). And he's only 1,214 rushing yards shy of 10,000, though that number doesn't mean nearly as much as it used to. Corey Dillon has 10,000 yards and a Super Bowl ring, but the only way he's getting into Canton is with a ticket.

• Home 2006 opponents: Dallas, Washington and Philly, of course. The Bears, which could be a hot ticket. Indy, which is a guaran-fucking-teed prime-time game, because of Manning vs. Manning. The Bucs and Saints, whom nobody gives a shit about, except to see Simms' son play at Giants Stadium. And the Texans, which will be the lowest-priced Giants tickets on eBay ever.

Other NFL Thoughts:

• How 'bout our NFC final four of Seattle, Chicago, Carolina and Washington? Last time we had a foursome that sexy, Rue McClanahan was struttin' her AARP ass all over Miami. Last year at this time, Donovan McNabb, Michael Vick and Daunte Culpepper were all still alive and shooting for their first rings. Now we got Rex Grossman shooting for his. Great.

• If you wagered heavy on the Bengals on Sunday, how many minutes after Carson Palmer's first-quarter injury did you pull a Kevin Brown and break your hand punching a wall? No fucking way were you winning that bet.

• Mike Patrick, Joe Theismann and Paul Maguire were at their absolute worst on Saturday, and that's hard to do. Another 100 mentions about how they had access to a player earlier in the week. Another 100 superlatives for average plays. I grew to love 'em from an unintentional comedy standpoint, but when the games count, like the Redskins-Bucs game did, I hated them with the power of 1,000 suns. This quote from Maguire put a capper on the trio's utterly disastrous body of work: "Chris Simms just threw that ball as well as anyone in the history of the game."

NFL Playoff Preview and Picks: Wild-Card Round

If you've been a reader of this site for at least a year, you know that one of the five greatest accomplishments in my life was going 10-1 against the spread in last year's NFL postseason. You're also aware that I stopped providing weekly selections during the 2005 regular season, because I couldn't pick my nose with any accuracy.

In other words, proceed with caution.

One thing you won't find in the postseason, along with the Chargers — and thank god I no longer have to hear about how good that third-place, 9-7 team was — is a great bargain. These spreads are all right where they should be and, aside from one heavy favorite, we're looking at three games that are basically coin fips.

Here's where I think the coins will land:

Saturday's Games:

WASHINGTON (10-6) at TAMPA BAY (11-5), 4:30 p.m., ABC
I was all ready to give some thoughtful analysis on this game, till I saw that the broadcast trio of Mike Patrick, Joe Theismann and Paul Maguire will be calling it, akin to being all psyched for the start of spring break, then getting snowed in at the airport.

Well, at least this gives you one last chance to play my ESPN Sunday Night Football drinking game. Did you hear their call last Sunday, when they slurped each other to no end and made it seem like ESPN's 19 years of Sunday night broadcasts was remotely in the same league as ABC's MNF?

Can you even recall a Sunday Night Football moment? Aside from being ordered to "watch his feet!" 1,000 times? Maybe Emmitt Smith stumbling for that career rushing record when we know Barry Sanders would have had him dusted if he didn't retire. It was like cheering for an old cow to pump out its 10,000th gallon of milk before being turned into a bunch of steaks.

Or Jamal Lewis not getting that season rushing record even though he had 27 carries in a 2003, meaningless, 13-10 loss to the Steelers at home, another indictment of how manipulated and lame a lot of these NFL season records are. (Aside from B-More fans, I think maybe three people were rooting for Lewis, and their last names are Patrick, Theismann and Maguire.)

As for this game, I go with the division winner at home.

Redskins Cheerleaders | Buccaneers Cheerleaders
Spread: Tampa Bay by 2½
Paul's Pick: Buccaneers 24, Redskins 20

JACKSONVILLE (11-5) at NEW ENGLAND (10-6), 8 p.m., ABC
Earlier this week, Tom Brady said that the Patriots were the most disrespected team in the league. Lets dissect:

The Patriots were underdogs in only 5 of 16 games this year: at Pittsburgh (win by 3), at Atlanta (win by 3), at Denver (lose by 8), against Indianapolis (lose by 19) and at Kansas City (lose by 10).

New England was favored to win 11 of 16 games. They won 10 total. The "most disrespected" team in the league didn't meet the expections the public had for them on a week-by-week basis, injuries included. So, kiss my ass on that pathetic rallying cry.

That being said, I don't bet against the Pats at home in the postseason. No way.

Jaguars Cheerleaders | Patriots Cheerleaders
Spread: New England by 7½
Paul's Pick: Patriots 28, Jaguars 17

Sunday's Games:

CAROLINA (11-5) at N.Y. GIANTS (11-5), 1 p.m., FOX
Did you know the Giants are one of only five teams in NFL history to have five players (Tiki Barber, Jeremy Shockey, Plaxico Burress, Amani Toomer and Brandon Jacobs) score at least seven touchdowns? The others are the 1950 Rams, 1966 Chiefs, 1985 Chargers and 2004 Chiefs.

But Jacobs' TDs were all pretty much crap. They were really Tiki's TDs, so it's not like Jacobs is another weapon or anything.

You know where my heart lies on this game. I'll be in attendance for my fourth Giants game this year and, let me tell you, that crowd is a big reason the G-Men went 8-1 at home this season.

Injuries concern me. The secondary really concerns me. But I love Tiki. I really do like Manning when it counts; he may not carry you, but he's a smart cookie. And I like the crowd's effect on the D-line. Can't see the Giants ending the season at home.

Panthers Cheerleaders | Giants don't have cheerleaders
Spread: New York by 2½
Paul's Pick: Giants 24, Panthers 21

PITTSBURGH (11-5) at CINCINNATI (11-5), 4:30 p.m., CBS
Great game to end the first playoff weekend, and everyone's on the Steelers here. The line moved two points since it opened at Pitt -1, and that's huge. Vegas is gonna open three more huge hotels if Cincy pulls this one out, and let me flip the coin here ... tails, Bengals win it.

That might be a little optimistic with that defense, but they did pop the Steelers in the mouth once this season. I don't think they'll be spooked.

Bengals Cheerleaders | Steelers don't have cheerleaders
Spread: Pittsburgh by 3
Paul's Pick: Bengals 27, Steelers 24

Tell Me Again How Much the BCS Sucks

This time, all the clichés fit: instant classic, 15-round slugfest, game of the century. And without the BCS, it never would have happened.

USC would've played in the Rose Bowl against Penn State. Texas would have played Notre Dame somewhere else. And all we would've had were questions.

For years, I've seen the BCS get shit on and, absent of allowing just-romped Oklahoma into the 2003 national championship game against LSU, I never saw it as a worse alternative to the old-school assignments of Pac-10 vs. Big Ten in the Rose Bowl, SEC champ in the Sugar, Big Eight in the Orange, etc.

Hope for a playoff all you want, you ain't getting it. These top-flight bowl games are first-rate events for sponsors and vacations for alumni. You ain't getting 40,000 Va. Tech fans to travel for three weeks straight. On-campus playoff games are even worse: Why should Texas and USC each have had to defend their home field twice more to face each other? They already combined to beat Ohio State and Notre Dame in the regular season.

So we have a system that tries, with genuinity, to match the No. 1 and 2 teams in the sport's penultimate game. And it's done a pretty good job of it.

Now, About That 41-38 Texas Win Over USC:

• Maybe that Texans-49ers game last week was really the Young Bowl.

• Considering the stage, Vince Young's 200 yards rushing, 267 yards passing and three scores was the greatest college football performance I've seen. The greatest season ever, without a hint of uncertainty, belongs to Barry Sanders in 1988, as I wrote more than two years ago.

• Guess that USC-Notre Dame game wasn't the game of the century, just as I said three months ago, when I wrote "There have been a number of games in recent years with even more at stake. In fact, we'll have a few more before this season is through." Chalk another one up to the myth that is Notre Dame football, a program that's 0-8 in bowls since the 1993 Cotton Bowl, which pre-dated the arrival of Ron Powlus on campus.

• If you're a Texas fan and, after the game's been over for an hour, you're chanting in front of the ESPN GameDay set, while Fowler, Corso and Herbstreit re-hash the events, you're one of the biggest losers on Earth. Go party, you moron!

• Some score-a-thons are considered ugly, while others are regaled as classic, and here's why this one was the latter: There were few home runs, stumbling defenders, blown coverages, fluke returns, etc. This was simply the mastery of sweeps, screens and drags by pro-level athletes. Who says great defense always beats great offense?

• I read in the New York Post on Tuesday that 21 different Longhorns scored touchdowns this season. Figured it had to be a misprint. You can't even do that in a video game on walk-on level.

• There's make-up sex and rebound sex and vacation sex. Is there national-championship sex? Are those Austin hotties partying with their socks in the air, or are they just barfing on some street corner?

• In other college news, the Syracuse Orange defeated the Texas-El Paso Miners, 69-56, in front of a crowd of 15,799 at the Carrier Dome in a college hoops game of the century.

End-of-Year Fantasy Football Awards

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Best and worst in 2005 fantasy football
• Christian throwback jerseys
• Best names in college hoops (i.e. Chris Porn)
• Mark Cuban's 2006 investment advice
• Clinton Portis' mom punches out Eagles fan
• Jeromy Burnitz's history of crap teams
• Suggested hires for NFL coaching vacancies
• Happy 75th birthday, Don Shula
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

OSU Football: Sack the QB, Then His Sister

Matt Leinart has some competition for that BMOC crown he's been wearing all college football season.

Check the resumé of Ohio State linebacker A.J. Hawk, who despite looking like an even uglier version of Triple-H, boasts a hot girlfriend in the form of Laura Quinn, sister of Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn, whom he sacked in Monday night's Fiesta Bowl victory.

Now that's a whole new level of badass: sacking a Notre Dame quarterback and then banging his sister. *

Judging from Laura's shaky, emotional reaction to little bro' gettin' face-planted by her man, you might not want to buy that engagement present just yet.

* Disclaimer: If either of said hulking males eventually reads this, note that "banging" someone is an innocuous Internet-geek term for hitting someone up with an instant message, something to the effect of "Mind if I bring over Sleepless in Seattle on DVD tonight?"

Other Random Thoughts:

• Note to media: If you all have Tiki Barber on your short list for MVP, he cannnot, by definition, be "underrated." The reason he's not getting early-2000s Marshall Faulk ink is because Faulk, like many other current backs, had a greater habit of scoring touchdowns. Though you can pretty much credit all of Brandon Jacobs' seven TD plunges to Barber.

• Is "cock block" a unisex term? Is that what women call female friends who cost them a romp in the sack?

• Despite the Packers' woes this season, Brett Favre posted a stellar 66.0 completion percentage. Of course, 4.7% of that (29 of 607) were completions to opponents. Now only if announcers would stop telling us he's still the one guy they'd want to start a game for everything.

• Call me crazy, but I didn't send back that renewal form from Black Enterprise magazine, which I received all of 2005, for reasons unbeknownst to me. They must have some talented consumer marketers.

• Is it OK that I'm 32 and stoked about recording four (FOUR!) safeties against the CPU in Madden NFL 06, with five-minute quarters on All-Pro level? For one day, I was the coffin-corner-punting and defensive-line-pressure king of the world. Special thanks go to Julius Peppers and the human Stonehenge, Drew Bledsoe.

• Bull's real name in Night Court was Nostradamus. Use that info to pick up chicks. I dare ya.

• How far have the Knicks fallen? Once I was on the waiting list for season tickets. Monday, I turned down a free front-row ticket. Had I known the game was gonna go three overtimes, however...

Congrats to the 2005 PK.com NFL Pick 'Em Pool Winners

A few months ago, more than 100 people entered the 2005 PK.com NFL Pick 'Em Pool with dreams to win cheap prizes laying around my apartment. Three people made those dreams come true.

Hail to the Victors:

CubbiePhil — Your champion with 144 wins, Phil tied for best record in Weeks 15 and 16 to storm into first place and cruise home in the end. An omen for the Cubs in 2006? Let's not get carried away.

James Huffman — In second place, at 142, is Mr. Consistency. James never won a week, but had only one 6 and two 7s all year, regularly posting above-.500 marks. James finished two games back at 142 and, like Bill Parcells, didn't have a chance in the final game, as both he and Phil correctly picked the Rams.

Anne Dodson — In third place, at 139, the queen of the pool stormed into contention with a sick 14-2 mark in Week 13, later topping Week 16, as well. She can now expect a flurry of congratulatory stalker e-mails from pool members, who were 90% dudes.

Winners will receive e-mails from me so we can work out a customized prize package, based on favorite sports teams, pop culture interests and which celebrities give you a hard-on (n/a for third place).

The Also-Rans:

Congratulations are also in order to the people who rounded out the top 10. You won't be receiving any prizes, but your mom still loves you. Just not as much as those who finished higher.

4. Grant Dunn, 138
5. Andrew Wahl, 138
6. Eugene Loziner, 137
7. Cass Blonde, 135
8. Jeff Doxey, 134
9. Russ Svendsen, 134
10 (T). Tony Wilson, 132
10 (T). John Grady, 132

Thanks for playing, everyone. We'll have another pool around the NCAA Tournament this year.