PaulKatcher.com

Bank Shots: My Locks for NFL Week 4

You're probably saying to yourself, "The Yankees are getting ready for their biggest regular-season series since 1995, and this guy's giving us more shitty football picks?"

I'll do a wrap on the Yanks regular season however it ends on Sunday, Monday or Tuesday, but there's no way I'm gonna predict what happens between now and then.

Predict what's gonna happen in a Yanks-Sux series? Are you kidding me?

Let's just hope for the best, because if David Ortiz is making clutch putts on the golf course next week, we're gonna have some party here on PK.com.

Anyway, here are the bets I think are strongest among the Week 4 lines.

(Home teams in CAPS)

Jets (+7) over RAVENS
Baltimore is averaging 8½ points of offense in two games, is starting Anthony Wright at quarterback, and its favored by a touchdown. Makes sense to me!

Yeah, I know the Jets are starting Brooks Bollinger, but did you see that game he had against UNLV in 2002? 12 of 24, 157 yards and 2 TDs. Needless to say, I was impressed.

Colts (-7) over TITANS
The Colts have given up a total of 16 points in three games, no one is even mildly concerned that the offense hasn't quite clicked yet, and confidence in them has never been higher.

And they're giving up no more points than Anthony Wright and the Ravens.

You know the offense is gonna explode at some point. In fact, that's probably the single-most popular phrase in Indy right now. Even if it doesn't this week, a TD ain't too much for this team to cover. 24-14 can get that done, too.

When is Colts -7 not a good pick? Almost never.

Texans (+9½) over BENGALS
What do I know about the Texans? They play in Houston, fired their offensive coordinator after their last game and have had two weeks to prepare for this one. That's about it.

So I have total confidence in this pick, based on the simple fact that I don't lay 9½ points with a franchise that hasn't been to the playoffs since 1990.

And also because I refuse to pick against my Giants, who are probably not three points better than the Rams, and may allow Marc Bulger to throw for 750 yards.

Last Week: 1-2
Season: 3-6

Please post your own best bets in the comments section.

Of Course, the Delta House Is Hollywood's Best Frat

PK.com reader Tim was kind enough to share this SI on Campus feature on Hollywood's best fraternities and, for once, I have few qualms.

Author Andy Gray gives the Deltas from Animal House a lifetime-achievement ranking, setting them far and beyond the five copy-cats that followed it. Good job there. Hard to argue with Old School's Lambda Epsilon Omega at as the best of the rest, on the basis of KY jelly wrestling alone.

Following that is the Alpha Betas from Revenge of the Nerds. Great movie, but Lambda Lambda Lambda deserves to represent. Aside from Stan Gable and Fred "The Ogre" Palowakski, none of the AB's made an impression on me. Position-by-position, they just don't have anyone to match up with Booger, Takashi, Lamar or Wormser. And, remember, those Mu's sure can party.

Next we have the KEG house from Beverly Hills 90210. I must've missed Bill Simmons' 9,000-word piece on it, because I'm not too familiar.

Following that, Melon's Tall & Fat from Back to School, which wasn't even a frat. It was a clothing empire for women who wore dresses that looked like pool tables without pockets. Still, you can't go wrong with a group that makes a diving competition a standing-room-only event.

Finally, The Pit from PCU. I look forward to your comments educating me on exactly what this movie was.

Today's Web Finds:

• Ronald Becomes a McHottie — When I see a red-head in a yellow dress, with red and white long sleeves, I call the cops. In Japan, they buy more cheeseburgers. Advantage: U.S.

• Joy of Deep Throating — DontSpitSwallow.com readers share tips on avoiding gagging, overcoming concerns with taste and more. Remember, ladies, practice makes perfect. (Found on GorillaMask.net)

• Term Paper Ripped to Shreds — The teach goes to town on a term paper that contains a photo of a Yankees great with the caption: "Lou Gehrig is smiling because he got daily rim jobs from the girls at Scores." Among the works cited: google.com and tubgirl.com (Thanks, Kevin)

• Bush Sells Louisiana Back to the French — If it happens, you can bet Halliburton would get the 6% seller's fee. (Thanks, Shumpy)

• Video: Hypnotized Sex — A hypnotist gets a group of people to hump their chairs and experience multiple orgasms, while Put Your Ass Into It plays in the background.

• KC Armstrong Poster For $12 — If you ever wondered whether the Howard Stern Show sidekick was gay, this should settle it.

• Some Fuck-Stick Registers PaulKacher.com on Sept. 25 — I don't know what untold riches this dope plans to make off people leaving out a "t" in my last name, but I hope it's paid in cash that once wiped the sweat off Richard Simmons' nuts. (Thanks, Jeff)

• Redneck Yard of the Week Competition — Send a picture of your crap-ass yard to Blue Collar TV, then try to explain how you can afford a computer and Net access but not a weed-trimmer.

MILF of the Year a Ravens Cheerleader

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Met the millionaire mom who's a Ravens cheerleader
• MLB.com shirt proclaims Yanks as AL East champs
• Trent Dilfer voted best Ravens QB ever
• Japanese baseball team tosses Col. Sanders into river
• Belichick tells Steelers trainer to step off
• Suge Knight wants to be a football coach
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Photos: Weekend at Myrtle Beach

My photos from Mytrle Beach, S.C. are up, and here are some thoughts on the weekend:

• Taking a cab to a New York airport at 7:30 a.m. is some risky business. This ain't a quick shot where you can hold your nose the whole way. If the driver's at the end of his overnight shift, we're talking about a possible 30-minute torture chamber of B.O., curry chicken, spilled coffee and residue from carting home drunks for hours.

• Golf is the only game where you cheer for your friends to make 50-foot putts, but love it when they miss three-footers. Isn't that the most fun part, watching your friends go from perfectly calm to raging, club-throwing psychos in a matter of seconds? I can't get enough of that, and I was the first to throw a club this weekend. Fuck you, sand trap!

• If you have a penis, go to Myrtle Beach over Hilton Head, where I went a few years ago and remember every female being either 15 or 50. Which wouldn't be so bad if dad wasn't around, too. Myrtle, on the other hand, had a frisky feel to it. Me like.

• The biggest suckers on the planet were at Crocodile Rocks, the dueling-piano bar at Broadway at the Beach on Friday night. They did a North vs. South bit, where a requested song like "New York, New York" could be cut short by a generous tip and request for something like "Sweet Home Alabama." And then the North would cut that short, and so on. Anyway, the pots on both sides combined for over $400 in less than 10 minutes as asshat after assclown walked up to the stage with twenties to play this sucker game. Holy shit.

• The Pussy Cat Song? Seriously, the cheesiest song ever, though the Bret "The Hitman" Hart lookalike on piano was a talented chap.

• Would have been nice if the Giants came within five yards of pressuring Drew Brees or tackling LaDanian Tomlinson. Nice job by Tom Coughlin going for that field goal on 4th and inches on the game's opening drive. Guess he thought the defense made the flight to San Diego. (Update: I wrote this before the New York Post's G-Men report card was published, and Paul Schwartz shares almost exactly the same sentiments.)

• The nachos at the Overtime sports bar can lead to sudden death on the toilet. As a general rule, no one among a group of guys is allowed to take a huge dump without first announcing his intentions to the entire crew.

• A conversation I had with whoever answered the phone at Dick's Last Resort on Friday night just after 10 p.m., when it seemed all restaurants were closing.

Guy: Dick's.
Me: Are you guys still serving food?
Guy: We're stopping food service in a few minutes.
Me: Fuck!
(Hang up.)

• When people clap and cheer after a plane lands, they know the pilot can't hear them, right? It's like when people cheer after a movie ends. No one involved with making the movie is within a thousand miles of your praise.

• The Eagle Nest golf course should be re-named Mosquito Run. Can I have the back of my legs back? Jesus.

• Here's something you don't see in New York: a large assortment of shit beer in grocery stores.

Bank Shots: My Locks for NFL Week 3

After a couple of 1-2 weeks, this series is off to a worse start than The Magic Hour and The Chevy Chase Show combined.

But just as Chevy Chase returned to prominence with such blockbusters as Bad Meat, The Karate Dog and Goose!, I plan to resurrect my standing as well.

Here are the bets I think are strongest among the Week 3 lines.

(Home teams in CAPS)

Panthers (-3) over DOLPHINS
Two weeks ago, one of these teams was a leading candidate to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl, while the other was expected to challenge the record for most fans put to sleep by the middle of the fourth quarter.

Has Carolina's last-second loss to the Saints, followed by a victory over the champion Patriots dropped them that far? Has Miami's shocking win over the always unpredictable Broncos, followed by a loss at the Jets, in which they scored once, bumped them that high?

The difference between these teams is greater than three points, no matter where they play.

PACKERS (+3½) over Buccaneers
I'll see strip clubs offering $1 lap dances before I see the Brett Favre-led Packers fall to 0-3 at home against a team that went 5-11 last season.

What's that? There are $1 lap dances being offered in New Orleans?

Uh-oh.

Cardinals (+6½) over SEAHAWKS
If the Cardinals hadn't bumbled the clock in a way that would've made Herm Edwards blush, we could've been looking at one of the greatest moments in gambling history. Down by five and favored by one point, a touchdown would have given Arizona a last-minute one-point lead. Instead of taking the sure extra point and given their bettors a likely victory, the Cards would've gone for two and protected against a game-tying field goal. That conversion opportunity would have been some scene at the Vegas sportsbooks.

What does that have to do with this game? Nothing. I just have no actual facts to back up my pick. Rather I think the Cards aren't a bad club and can see them picking up their first victory of the season against your typical modern NFL team, one whose actions are harder to predict than Courtney Love after an eight-ball.

Last Week: 1-2
Season: 2-4

Please post your own best bets in the comments section.

The next PK.com update will be no sooner than Tuesday, when I'll probably have a review and photos of my weekend in Myrtle Beach, S.C.

First Thing on My Mind: The Yankees

In the Aug. 18 edition of ESPN.com's Daily Quickie, Dan Shanoff had two words for us: "YANKEES. DONE."

Filled with such woefully incorrect predictions as "Over their last 43 games, the Yankees will be lucky to win half," it was probably the stupidest thing he's posted since arguing, in 2003, that "In 10 years, Sammy Sosa will be more highly regarded than Mickey Mantle."

I say "probably," because I can't keep track of all the stupid things ESPN.com pays people to write about the Yankees.

Since Aug. 18, New York has gone 23-9, picked up six games in the loss column of the AL East, moved into first place and has prompted me to reply with two words of my own:

"SUCK. IT."

Other Yankees Thoughts:

— Heard any good Devil Rays jokes lately?

— Sweet Lou, always a Yankee at heart.

— My reaction to the Red Sux's implosion at the Trop: What a relief!

— Yankee playoff-chance calculation: Figure even odds to better the Indians, even odds to better the Red Sux, slight chance to better the White Sox, add 'em together. Amazingly, home-field advantage throughout the playoffs is a possibility, which is pretty good for a done team with a figured-out closer.

— Among the heroes the last three nights: Bubba Crosby, Aaron Small and Matt Lawton. So I figure Andy Phillips is due for a back cover this weekend.

— Tuesday night at the Stadium, I saw a fan change into a No. 27 BROWN t-shirt. Had to have found it in the $5 clearance bin. Everyone who saw it was cracking up.

— Thursday night I'll sport the No. 51 WILLIAMS jersey for what will likely be the last regular-season game I see Bernie play live. I was there for his two biggest hits: walk-off home runs in Game 1 of the 1996 ALCS and 1999 ALCS, which don't even make my list of top-10 playoff moments of the Joe Torre era. Thanks for everything, man.

It Took 25 Years, But I Finally Caught a Foul Ball

Let's set the scene. Tuesday night, Sept. 20, 2005. Hideki Matsui at the plate in the eighth inning. Yanks holding on to a 12-7 lead with one out. Matsui swings and fouls a ball off toward the Tier Box area of Section 12, Row E, seat 14, right where I'm sitting. After 25 years and between 100-150 Yankees games attended, this is my shot. Don't drop it. Don't drop it. And, for god's sake, don't let the lady in seat 12 get in the way...

I make a perfect two-handed grab. The section cheers in appreciation.

• Thank you, Tom Gordon, for allowing a run in the top of the eighth and forcing me to stay instead of bailing, as hoped, with a four-run lead and three outs left to get.

• Thank you, whoever should have been sitting in seat 13 for not showing up. The ball would have been right in your lap. Sucka.

• Thank you, gods of baseball, for giving me a chance to catch a ball cleanly instead of hurling myself into a row of kids like some asshat, or rummaging through hot dog wrappers and mustard packets underneath a seat after it bounded off some uncoordinated chunkmonster's spare tire.

• Aside from the one-handed grab while holding a beer, you just can't beat a flawless snare of a foul pop when the ball makes a bee-line for ya in the upper boxes. The worst? Leaning over the rail on a foul grounder, like a garbage-picker. Simply a product of your overpriced seats, not a devine reward.

• What a relief to have my first foul catch come off the bat of a name player. It just doesn't sound the same to say you caught a pop from Bubba Crosby.

• Walking out of the stadium with ball in hand was cool as shit. You know I was flipping the thing from hand to hand, making sure everyone on the subway noticed I had an Allan H. Selig original.

Joe Gibbs Apparent Victim of Atomic Wedgie

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• This is no way to treat a Hall of Fame coach
• Dick Pound: The man behind the Olympics
• Texas Tech cheerleaders to do 735 push-ups?
• Jeremiah Trotter's car wash needs better slogan
• Scraped rectum only seventh most-gruesome injury
• Yahoo searchers know Tim McCarver sucks
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Photos: Giants 27, Saints 10

Monday night I (unlike too many Giants fans who stayed home like pussies) attended the Saints' "home" opener. A photo gallery of 21 pics is posted, though it's nowhere near my best work, especially considering I was only 11 rows away from the New Orleans cheerleaders.

My Thoughts on the Game:

• There were 10,000 empty seats, about twice as many as were at Yankee Stadium on Monday night. An absolute disgrace on the part of Giants fans. Here we were, with a solid chance to be one of seven NFL teams to start the year 2-0 (which we did), and we couldn't come close to filling the stadium for a game that was supposed to double as a charity drive ...

• ... which it hardly was. Sure, there were signs everywhere touting charitable websites, but I saw only one person collecting cash in a bucket. And he needed a bodyguard to protect the booty. I had to retreat during a piss-break sprint just to catch him.

• The fans that were there were true Big Blue backers. Wow, I forgot how much energy runs through that joint.

• The Giants play at San Diego on Sunday night, which means we're playing with house money. Even a loss would bring us back home at 2-1 against the shaky Rams on Oct. 2. Come back 3-0 and you're gonna see the most raucous tailgate and in-game crowd since the 2000 NFC championship run.

• I have total confidence in Eli Manning to make the right read and almost none to make a great throw. I missed the ESPN Sunday Night Football's crew's take on the game, but I imagine they called him a rising star. In reality, he's been pretty pedestrian, even with the Giants' combined total of 69-29 through two games.

• Payback's a bitch, and I never forgot the shit I took in New Orleans from Saints fans who yelled curses at me for wearing my No. 80 Shockey jersey to the Superdome in the Joe Horn Cell Phone Game in December 2003. Fuck 'em.

• Our pre-game meal included hamburger, cheese, bacon, chili, sausage and an obscene amount of beer. The rule for Section 129, Row 11 was: "If you smelt it, you dealt it ... and probably weren't the only one."

• There's never been a better scenario than this: Giants go to 2-0, both my fantasy teams go to 2-0, the Yanks win, and the Sux lose. Great night.

Wanted: One or Two Partiers for Fantasy Fest

Anyone out there have money, time off and a funky spirit?

I need one or two more people to fill the condo I rented from Oct. 22-29 in Key West for Fantasy Fest, one of the country's wildest week-long parties.

We've got four beds inside the unit — a king, a queen and two twins — and one is unaccounted for. There's also floor space for good ol' fashioned passing out.

Cost is $350 per person for seven nights, from Saturday-Saturday. You can, of course, fly in and leave whenever fits your sked, but I'll be there all week.

Guys, gals, couples, I don't care. My only requirements are:

1. You get into the festive atmosphere. Dress up, party, take pics, have fun.

2. You don't act like a dick.

E-mail me if you're interested in joining our group. For readers who have plans to be down already, let's make sure to grab a drink.

Fantasy Fest Links:

• Schedule of Events — Theme parties every night of the week. I gotta start ordering costumes online pronto.

• Fantasy Fest Memories — Twenty-six galleries of hi-res body-painting goodness.

• Women's Fitness and Body Paint Photos — More of the same types of photos.

Today's Web Finds:

• 101 Hottest Hollywood Skin Flicks — Great call with Blown Away at No. 2, when Nicole Eggert was only 20 and naked all over the place. Then again, watching her have sex with Corey Feldman and Corey Haim is something I never want to see — or think about — again. Big Bad Momma was on The Movie Channel I think every Saturday night from 1986-1989. Eyes Wide Shut? Pound-for-pound, the most smoking hot, if uncredited, bodies in a mainstream film ever. No way Basic Instinct is only 45. Sharon Stone in her prime like that? Should be way higher.

• The Gay-o-Meter — I'm 36% gay, or 2,493% less than Richard Simmons.

• Photos: When Rockers Were Young — Tommy Lee was definitely higher than 36% gay.

• Video: Drunk Woman Attacks News Reporter — I love these live-feed fuck-ups. And check out the hair on the anchor? Yeesh, this had better be an old clip.

• Video: Chappele's Show With Sarah Silverman — A Jimmy Kimmel Show clip of her faux take-over, including Great Moments in Black History, starring George Washington Carver and his nuts.

• Reuters Explains Photo Of Bush Bathroom Note — Photo District News on the close-up of the President's note reading: "I think I may need a bathroom break. Is this possible?"

• typoBid — A misspelled auction checker finds eBay items that most potential buyers simply won't find, which usually translates into lower prices. (Thanks, Vik)

• Family Still Looking for Eddie Gabriel of Pat O'Brien's — If you've partied at New Orleans' most famous piano bar sometime in the past 68 years, you've probably been entertained by the 95-year-old man known as "Mr. Eddie." Wishing the best.

• Tri-Clops.com — C.J. of Up for Anything, a regular commenter here, has started a new site where issues of the day are debated from the left, center and right.

SbB Girl Cora Launches Her Own Modeling Site

See that gal right there? On her first trip to New York, we did everything together. We went to Central Park. We went to the top of the Empire State Building. We cruised through Times Square.

Before you get the wrong idea, I was merely a pseudo tour guide for her and the SportsByBrooks.com crew when they rolled through town for a summer tour.

And now she's beaten me to the punch and launched her official modeling site, CoraSkinner.com. (Look for mine somewhere around 2024.)

There are girls who you think could be models and those you know are models. Cora is the latter. Guys were breaking their necks all over this city when she crossed their paths. It was hilarious to watch. If they knew she was pleasantly cool, they would have watched her walk all the way down the street. Oh wait, they did that, too.

Anyway, best of luck to Cora. If you're in the modeling industry, maybe you could help her network. And if you're a degenerate pervert, try not to include "I saw you on PK.com" in your inappropriate e-mails. Thanks.

Today's Web Finds:

• Former Vols Hoopster Brittany Jackson in FHM — Might as well start with a link I found on SbB.

• Unmarried and Single Americans Week — Sept. 18-24 — National Singles Week was started to celebrate single life and recognize singles and their "contributions to society." What contributions? A lot of masturbating? Here's another question: When a girl tells you she's happily single, do you laugh in her face or wait until she walks away? Who could possibly believe that bullshit? (Found on Living Reflections)

• Petition to boycott Jennifer Love Hewitt... — ... until she exposes her rack. If this doesn't work, I say we enlist the expertise of Kramerica Industries, which went after Kenny Rogers Roasters with equal vigor. "Like we did in the sixties, takin' in to the streets."

• Speaker City T-Shirts — Get your Old School groove on. Did you know there really is a Speaker City U.S.A.? "Yeah, that's it. I got a student alt rock band coming on next. Mitch, I own six Speaker Cities. I'm worth three-and-a-half million dollars that the government knows about. I got more electronics up there than a damn KISS concert. you think I'm gonna roll out this type of red carpet for a fucking marching band? Just make sure you can see the stage."

• Glengarry Glen Ross Crossword Puzzle — "Fuck you! That's my name! You know why, mister? Because you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I drove an $80,000 BMW. That's my name!"

• Find-A-Human — IVR Phone System Shortcuts — Combinations you can punch into your phone to bypass automated menus and start laying the smackdown on some candy-ass slaving for billion-dollar companies at $12 an hour.

• Melissa Theuriau's Official Site — Not sure if this is really endorsed by the hottie French newscaster or produced by some stalker. Not sure if I care, either. Screen grabs galore. (Found on Stacked)

• Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney Split — Let this be a lesson to you: Do not marry your partner in May if you just met in January.

Bank Shots: My Locks for NFL Week 2

Well, I didn't get off to a shining start with my Week 1 picks. I was prophetic with the Saints game coming down to a field goal, pathetic in thinking the Jets would perform well at Arrowhead, and I just missed by taking 7½ with the Raiders over the Patriots, who won by 10.

Here are the bets I think are strongest among the Week 2 lines.

(Home teams in CAPS)

CARDINALS (-1) over Rams
Last week's 42-19 loss at Giants Stadium hints that the Cards are no better than they've been for the last, oh, 185 years, but they did impress me. The Giants overcame a half-time deficit and threw Arizona's game plan for a loop with a couple of returns for TDs, which are always fluky. Larry Fitzgerald was unguardable, graceful and physical, with 13 catches and a score. The defense sacked Eli Manning three times, picked him twice and allowed only 10 completions in 23 attempts. And the Rams lost to the god-damn 49ers.

Lions (-1½) over BEARS
The Lions are one of those teams with, as Bill Simmons says Hubie Brown says, "tremendous upside." The Bears, meanwhile, gave up nine points to the Redskins ... and lost. Must've had something to do with the 52.8 passer rating posted by rookie QB Kyle Orton.

Chiefs (-1½) over RAIDERS
I know. I know. Another of the dreaded road favorites. Well, one of these teams won by 20 last week, while the other lost by 10. That doesn't sound like a 1½-point difference to me. It would be one thing if the Chiefs' destruction of the Jets was impossible to believe. But it takes about two Priest Holmes sweeps, followed by a Larry Johnson rumble, in front of a gargantuan line, to remind yourself Kansas City has been a menace offensively for years. And the Raiders still can't play defense.

Last Week: 1-2
Season: 1-2

Please post your own best bets in the comments section.

Gillette Really Did 'Fuck Everything' and Went to Five Blades

When fictional editorials in The Onion turn into reality, you have to figure the apocalypse is about two blocks down the street.

But that's what happened Wednesday, when Gillette unveiled its five-bladed razor.

You do remember the Feb. 18, 2004, editorial in The Onion by Gillette CEO James M. Kilts titled "Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades," right?

To refresh your memory, Kilts was a little peeved at the competition for one-upping the Mach 3 with the Schick Quattro. Some excerpts:

"[T]he bastards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to five blades."

"If you aren't on board, then fuck you. And if you're on the board, then fuck you and your father. Hey, if I'm the only one who'll take risks, I'm sure as hell happy to hog all the glory when the five-blade razor becomes the shaving tool for the U.S. of 'this is how we shave now' A."

"Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we should just ride in Bic's wake and make pens. Ha! Not on your fucking life! The day I shadow a penny-ante outfit like Bic is the day I leave the razor game for good, and that won't happen until the day I die!"

"Stop. I just had a stroke of genius. Are you ready? Open your mouth, baby birds, cause Mama's about to drop you one sweet, fat nightcrawler. Here she comes: Put another aloe strip on that fucker, too. That's right. Five blades, two strips, and make the second one lather. You heard me — the second strip lathers."

Here's hoping Lord Chancellor George M. Steinbrenner III is paying attention and aims to make this 2003 headline true as well: "Yankees Ensure Pennant By Signing Every Player In Baseball"

On a more serious note, The Onion will match the first $100,000 that its staff and readers give to the Red Cross.

(Thanks to PK.com NFL Pool co-leader Ayan for the heads-up on the Gillette story.)

Today's News Links:

• Charities Are For Suckers — Provocative liberal columnist Ted Rall says privately funded charities, which expect to raise only a pittance of the expected Hurricane Katrina burden, are for suckers who keep giving the government a pass on helping the disadvantaged.

• End of the Bush Era — E.J. Dionne Jr.'s op-ed in the Washington Post argues: "The source of Bush's political success was his claim that he could protect Americans. Leadership, strength and security were Bush's calling cards. Over the past two weeks, they were lost in the surging waters of New Orleans."

• Geraldo Makes Evacuee Do Second Take During Rescue — This is some crazy media shit. After Geraldo helps a woman to safety with the help of a FOX News truck, a doctor tells the author of this Salon.com story, "That's the second time he brought her here. They did two takes. Geraldo made that poor woman walk from the Fox News van to the heliport twice. Both times carrying her dog."

• Paris Hilton Hacker Gets 11 Months in Jail — I guess when you succeed at cracking her cell phone, you're pretty stoked, tell all your friends. Then the thing blows up all of the 'Net and you're like, "Holy fucking shit, I'm in big trouble."

• Britney Spears Gives Birth to Boy — I'm still saying she's hot again a year from now. Hot or not, though, the future Playboy spread is 165% definite.

• Picketers for Hire — Now you can protest against Wal-Mart without even working for the comapny. All for $6 an hour and no benefits.

• Gay Penguins at New York's Central Park Zoo No Longer a Pair — I was there Tuesday and didn't notice anything different. The Arctic exhibit was cold, smelled like crap and had kids running around everywhere. Same as always.

When the Cheerios Betty Crocker 200 Just Doesn't Cut It

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Shirt for watching 800 left turns
• Stuart Scott makes how much per corporate speech?
• FOX pulls Saints ending on evacuees in Texas
• Nets attending parties thrown by season-ticket holders
• NCAA Football 06 custom covers with hot broads
• D-Rays minor-leaguer thinks they're cheap bastards
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Weird Al Steps on Doormat for Hurricane Relief

If you're like me, a couple of things have been weighing on your mind: a) What is the best way to make charitable donations to benefit Hurricane Katrina victims?; and b) Where can I buy a doormat stepped on by Weird Al Yankovic, and only Weird Al Yankovic?

Well, if you're used to searching eBay for the most bizarre shit on the planet like I am, then you know the answer to both is right here at this current Celebrity Doormat auction listing.

All proceeds of this one-of-a-kind (thank god) collectible will be donated to the American Red Cross, and it makes the perfect gift for:

• the person who has everything
• anyone who is at least somewhat insane
• someone who would actually consider buying Weird Al's sheet music (and would thus qualify for No. 2, as well)
• fans of the current NL East last-place team, the below-.500, perennial doormat New York Mets

Today's Web Finds:

• Telemarketing Counter-Script — Combat those a-holes with your own persistent, personal questions. Of course, you should be on the National Do Not Call Registry and you should feel no guilt whatsoever in taking the most obvious action to ending such an interruption: hanging up the god-damn phone. No "sorry," no "I'm not interested," no "now's not a good time." Just groan and hang up the fucking phone. Works for me!

• Christina Aguilera Makes $2 Million to Sing Three Songs at Billionaire's Wedding — Goes to show that money doesn't really buy you taste. I guess O-Town was already booked for a Dairy Queen opening.

• Template to Make a Magazine Cover With Flickr Photos — Not to be confused with the famous, phony TIME magazine post-election cover featuring Bush and the headline "We Are Fucked."

• Free Credit Reports Now Available to Northeasterners — You're allowed one every 12 months. Gotta see what Big Brother thinks of my bankroll.

• Video: Simpsons Cast Inside the Actors Studio — I don't have the patience to watch the whole thing. Good luck. (Thanks, Shumpy)

• How to Make Phone Calls Without a Telephone — The New York Times runs down the online options.

• Video: Man Drinks Ipecac and Pukes All Over Sidewalk — Gotta be staged, but funny as hell. I give it the full five-star, can't-miss PK.com rating.

• Video: Melissa Theuriau in Action — Our favorite French newscaster hottie is back.

• Napoleon Dynamite Halloween Costume — May be a year too late, but still a pretty good idea.

• Where Are They Now & Did They Get Hot — A then-and-now photo analysis of whether female child stars grew up to be hotties.

• Video: Drinking With Bob Rant on Tattoo Removal — My man goes ape-shit on those who got clichéd tattoos like the tribal arm bands and now conclude it may not be a six-decade fad.

• Video: President of Jefferson Parrish, La., Breaks Down on Meet the Press — Heart-breaking, powerful, sad moment. A definitive moment in this calamity.

• How Bush Blew It — Part of this Newsweek article reads: "How this could be — how the president of the United States could have even less 'situational awareness,' as they say in the military, than the average American about the worst natural disaster in a century — is one of the more perplexing and troubling chapters in a story that, despite moments of heroism and acts of great generosity, ranks as a national disgrace."

• Salvaging Sean Penn's Boat — Presidential historian and author Douglas Brinkley tells the New York Daily News, "I witnessed him rescuing up to 40 people. He was up to his waist in toxic muck." Some letters to the New York Post belittle his efforts (of course), including Joseph O'Keefe of Manhattan who says, "If this had been any of your noted Republican actors, such as Mel Gibson, James Woods or Clint Eastwood, they would be bashed by every liberal news agency, from The New York Times to CNN." Wanna bet?

Where the Chinese Failed, and Other Random Thoughts

Here are some things that crossed my mind while sitting at Brother Jimmy's long enough to have lunch, dinner, a bunch of pitchers, see the 1 p.m., 4 p.m. and 8:30 p.m. NFL games, the U.S. Open men's final and the Yankees beat the Sux...

• If you're a waiter at a Chinese restaurant, don't you want to kill whoever made it customary for patrons to drink "just water, thanks." Italian and French places make killings on wine sales. No one walks out of a BBQ joint sober. So what's up with the Chinese restaurants and their $12 tabs?

• Four years ago we were debating whether or not to make 9/11 a national holiday. I wonder if we gave it nearly enough respect on Sunday.

• If you're sporting South Carolina "COCKS" apparel or a #69 softball/football jersey, best hang out with the one person on earth who doesn't find those jokes tired.

• Traffic in NYC makes is really hard to pick your nose in the car without being caught.

• Whoever runs for New York mayor on the "no kids allowed anywhere" platform gets my vote.

• If someone ever wrote on me in permanent marker while passed out, I would exact the most simplest of revenge: beat the absolute living hell out of him the next day. Or just throw a cup of piss on him the next time I saw him. Either or.

• Don't you love it when you see a tip jar at Subway or a pizza joint or some other place where you have absolutely no intention of doling out extra money? There's always like $1.26 in some fishbowl, and you know the thing's been sitting out there for 10 hours. You look at the guy behind the counter like, "Who are trying to kid here?"

• How did the NHL get considered to be a "major sport" anyhow? It's obviously not in the same class of popularity as the NFL, MLB or NBA. And golf, tennis and NASCAR have it absolutely dusted. Anyone remember the last time hockey was the subject of a Sports Illustrated cover? I don't.

• Speaking of Sports Illustrated, when people refer to the cover jinx, they mean the ones that don't feature the Patriots or Lance Armstong, right?

• Why a hot, blonde bartender would ever mention her boyfriend is beyond me. There went half that tip.

• All chicks fall somewhere between these two extremes: those you'd only fuck drunk so long as nobody finds out, and those you'd fuck sober in public.

Tell Me More About This PK.com Trojan Virus

In the past week, a lot of people have e-mailed me saying that a visit to my site is generating a Trojan-virus warning.

This is news to me. Having half of a brain, I use Firefox as my browser and see nary a pop-up window or any windows that aren't user-initiated. However, I'm not the smartest techie in the world, and I didn't know you could get infected simply by browsing a website. Visiting a hooker in Tijuana is a different story, of course.

I've upgraded my forum software, which my hosting service urged to "address several bugs and a number of exploits." I don't know if that will clear this up.

If these problems continue, could you please post a comment or send me an e-mail with specific details about your platform (Windows/Mac, etc.), browser (shitty IE, Firefox, Opera, etc.) and virus-detection message or weird responses you receive/experience? Please include the specific page you're trying to access. Thanks.

Gone But Not Forgotten. Ever.

Photo found at Clifton Bazar's "Tribute in Light" gallery on PBase.com.

Last Call for ESPN's Sunday Night Football Announcers

Friday in the New York Post, I read some disturbing news. With the shift in NFL broadcast rights next season, Paul Maguire will be calling college football games in 2006.

That means this is the last season to enjoy the team of Maguire, Mike Patrick and Joe Theismann on ESPN's Sunday Night Football.

Did I just write "enjoy?" You bet.

Even though Dr. Z awarded them one-half star in 2004 and zero stars in 2005, they supply the highest rate of unintentionally TV comedy since Ross Perot's pie charts.

George Bush could stand before a "Mission: Accomplished" banner in New Orleans and still pull a better approval rating. And every Monday morning, Google is hammered with searches for "Why the hell are the Sunday Night football guys still on the air?" and "patrick + hyperbole + theismann + idiot + maguire + I'mATellYaWhat."

But that's why I love them. ESPN must've realized this years ago; that they're so bad they're good. They're loud, hyperbolic, tacky, predictable gold. But, as Pony Boy Curtis taught us in The Outsiders, nothing gold can stay.

So, before Al Michaels kills himself after learning his color partner next year will be Theismann instead of John Madden, I invite you to join me in partaking in my ESPN Sunday Night Football Drinking Game. It's the best way I know to get through the broadcast.

Today's Sports Links:

• Pat Stack Rates NFL Announcers — He actually digs Chris Berman, who I'm tired of. Except when he says, "The G-G-G-G-G-G-Men!"

• Video: Drinking With Bob Rant on Shaquille O'Neal's Paycut — I don't think Bob's much of a sports fan, else he wouldn't pronounce the name of one of the NBA's greatest as "Shanille O'Keel."

• Phil Mushnick on Fire — His regular crabby column starts with his 500th complaint about late starts to sporting events, but he really delivers on the tid-bits at the bottom, including rips aimed at Ed Werder, Josh Elliott and Chris Russo.

• Mr. Irrelevant's AOL Sports Blog — Lots good sports-related web finds on this regularly-updated, new-to-me site.

Handicapper Takes Odds on His Comb-Over

Friday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Danny Sheridan answers hair comment in online chat
• Real-money insurance on fantasy football injuries
• Former ESPN sideline reporter kills himself
• Bonds' 700th home run ball rejected by Hall of Fame
• Kenny Smith outdoes U.S.O.C. in relief effort
• Madden NFL 06 for $20 and free shipping
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Bank Shots: My Locks for NFL Week 1

Coming off my 10-1 record against the spread last NFL postseason, I'm looking forward to selecting three betting locks each week and tracking them as the season rolls on.

Feel free to add your own best bets in the Comments section.

Keep in mind that I'm not a betting professional — and not even much of an amateur. I guarantee no more of a chance to win than a guy with a two-sided coin. But we'll give it a go.

My trend for Week 1: take the points. Except for the Patriots, Colts and Eagles, there hasn't been a lot of consistency across the league in recent years. So why not take points early in the season, when people don't know what the hell to expect? Or are you gonna tell me you expected the Steelers and Chargers to combine for a 27-5 record in 2004?

(Home teams in CAPS)

Raiders (+7½) over PATRIOTS
I'm as interested as any to see how the Patriots respond to an upheaval in their coaching staff and defensive lineup. And I'd rather do it with a better-than-a-touchdown lead. That's no knock on the Pats; I think they'll be fine. But I like getting big points with good teams, and I don't think there's a 7½-point difference between these squads, especially considering spreads don't normally rise above 10, and that's with established great teams against established poor teams. In Week 1, nothing is established yet.

Just wondering: Does Kerry Collins really "throw a great deep ball" or is that something one sportswriter said and now everyone is adopting that as truth — a truth that, by law, must be included in every NFL preview?

Saints (+6½) over PANTHERS
I'm sure we're in agreement about the two scenarios for the Saints' fortunes this season: They'll either be so overcome by the tragedy at home that they'll be unable to focus, or they'll be so determined to make the Bayou backers proud that they'll fight all 60 minutes of every game. As with the above selection, I like taking 6½ points to find out. The Saints could be playing the 1985 Bears and I could see their first game coming down to a field goal.

Jets (+3½) over CHIEFS
The Chiefs started 2-4 at home in 2004 after going 8-0 the previous season. Arrowhead is still a tough place to play, but I think the Jets are the more complete team here, so I'd only take Kansas City if I felt the home field was worth more than the 3½-point spread. I don't, and it was the Jets, not the Chiefs, who were one missed field goal away from a spot in last year's AFC Championship game.

Heads Up! Ted Williams 'Death Masks' Are Here

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Teddy Popsicle heads now at New York gallery
• Like Prince Akeem, Sharapova has own money
• American Chopper to build custom Yankees bike
• Super-hot French newscaster Melissa Theuriau
• Mexico soccer coach blasts U.S. after we kick their ass
• Wacky baseball injuries during Ripken's streak
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

In San Diego, Say Yes to Those Lap Dances ... Or Else

It used to be easy to get rid of an over-aggressive stripper offering lap dances. Just say something like, "No, thanks, I'm not really into C-section scars," or "I wouldn't pay you $20 for a dance if you gave me $30 in change."

But times have changed. Especially in San Diego, where 24-year-old pole-humper Lawanda Dixon stabbed a club patron with a knife after he refused her groin-grinding services.

What has this country come to when you can't even nurse a $9 beer for an hour, sit tight-wadded while strippers parade around a room full of porn-addicted stiffs and catch free glimpses of T&A on money other people are spending in the joint.

This used to be America, damn it. Now it's a stripper-stabbing land of shame. I'm pinning this one on Bush, too. Someone get Michael Moore on the horn.

Also in the News:

• Dershowitz: Telling the Truth About Chief Justice Rehnquist — One of my favorite crusaders, whom one unhappy FOX News viewer called "a jew prick that takes it in the ass from ruth ginzburg [sic]" writes: "Chief Justice William Rehnquist set back liberty, equality, and human rights perhaps more than any American judge of this generation. His rise to power speaks volumes about the current state of American values."

• Anti-Rape Condom Aims to Stop Attacks — Get this. You're in South Africa and you're ready to partake in one of the local customs. Namely raping women. Somehow you get a hard-on while she cries out in sheer terror. 'Cause that's really fucking sexy. Then you find out she's wearing some kind of female condom that hooks onto your penis with sharp barbs that cannot be removed except via surgery. That's when you know it's time to find a hobby.

• eBay at 10: Boon and Bane — A not-too-deep CNET article on eBay's effect on collectibles industries. I would love to see a major media package on its effect overall, how it's brought down prices in almost every industry, whether there is an addiction component, interviews with people who've been driven out of brick-and-mortar businesses and others who've started successful online ones, tricks people use to attract buyers, etc.

• Ohio High School Has 64 Pregnant Students — Timken Senior High School in Canton boasts pregnancies among 13 percent of its female enrollment. At what point do you fire the health teacher? What are they teaching these students? "Remember, kids, the best way to avoid pregnancy is to do it doggie style?"

• The Show Didn't Benefit by Censors — L.A. Times media critic Robert Hilburn says NBC did its West Coast viewers a disservice by censoring Kanye West's Bush blast during "A Concert for Hurricane Relief." An intelligent, thoughtful take, but networks always run for cover when it comes to possibly upsetting advertisers, who themselves run doubly fast from the slightest of controversy. And everything always, always comes down to money.

• Swallowing During Oral Sex Does Not Clear Up Acne — Sorry, teen boys. Gotta come up with some other bullshit to play off on pimply co-eds.

• Top 10 Schools Where Students (Almost) Never Study — We're talking colleges here, so that Canton slut house doesn't count. Anyway, congratulations to the University of Mississippi.

• BushSucksCock.com Is Already Registered — Link goes to list of domains containing the term "bushsucks." Another find: MyDaughtersFuckingANigger.com is also taken. Are you fucking kidding me? What kind of person comes up with this business plan? If god ever throws a huge meteor at us, blows up Earth and starts from scratch, I'm blaming the guy who started that website.

Of Katrina and Our Country's, Um, Leader

Politics ain't my bag, as you know. I have way more questions than answers, but I think a six-year-old could tell you what's wrong with this picture.

And I'm not talking about the Clueless Cowboy playing a G chord one fret too high on the neck of his guitar. Didn't he consult those all-knowing leaders of faith first? I mean, they're experts on stem-cell research and abortion, so they must know about music.

Then again, this is a guy who, when informed of a massive terrorist attack on his citizens while reading a book to kids, didn't immediately finish with, "And then the bunny went home and lived happily ever after. THE END, and I have to go act like a president right fucking now."

Around mid-week after Katrina hit — with results exactly as predicted to me Sunday night but my buddy Pat Stack — I remember saying to a friend, "These hurricane pictures and stories are all over the TV and the Internet, and you know whose name and image I've not come across? George W. Bush." I remember saying it not incredulously, but matter-of-factly. Kinda like, What else is new? or He'd just fuck it up more, anyway.

Here are some links related to Katrina and Bush that I found interesting:

• Vacation is Over... An Open Letter From Michael Moore to George W. Bush — The filmmaker's piece begins: "Any idea where all our helicopters are? It's Day 5 of Hurricane Katrina and thousands remain stranded in New Orleans and need to be airlifted. Where on earth could you have misplaced all our military choppers? Do you need help finding them? I once lost my car in a Sears parking lot. Man, was that a drag."

• Condi Rice Leaves NYC High and Dry — Gawker on our national security adviser's jaunt to our town: "So the Gulf Coast has gone all Mad Max, women are being raped in the Superdome, and Rice is enjoying a brief vacation in New York. We wish we were surprised."

• Waiting for a Leader — Thursday's New York Times editorial begins: "George W. Bush gave one of the worst speeches of his life yesterday, especially given the level of national distress and the need for words of consolation and wisdom. In what seems to be a ritual in this administration, the president appeared a day later than he was needed. He then read an address of a quality more appropriate for an Arbor Day celebration..."

• United States of Shame — Maureen Dowd of The New York Times writes: "It would be one thing if President Bush and his inner circle ... lacked empathy but could get the job done. But it is a chilling lack of empathy combined with a stunning lack of efficiency that could make this administration implode."

• A Missed Moment — My god, a New York Post editorial is even admitting a Bush flaw, saying, "Yet still missing is that Rudy Giuliani moment — or, even, a George Bush Sept. 14 "I can hear you" moment — when a leader takes charge. And begins to bring order from the chaos. The final opportunity for any such defining moment has likely passed."

• Video: Kayne West Goes Off on NBC Fund-Raiser — Irony alert: video preceded by an ad for the U.S. Army, in which you can sign up to have George Bush be your boss. Irony alert 2: West's no better at addressing people than Bush is. Man, Mike Myers got thrown under a bus, for sure.

• Bush's Battle of New Orleans — Matt Cooper of TIME argues: "One can imagine how the reconstruction of an American city will put unbearable pressure on him to pull out of Iraq or abandon his partial privatization of Social Security. And it may yet emerge that the federal response to Katrina was even worse than it seemed, making the questions about pre-9/11 intelligence pale by comparison. Democrats harbor such fantasies. But Bush's career is all about people underestimating him and it would be a mistake to do so this time."

• The Conjecturer: Bush Ain't to Blame — He writes: "Before the storm hit, Bush had to personally beg Gov. Blanco and Mayor Nagin to evacuate NOLA? Where the hell do people get off blaming Bush for the devastation, when he was the one who had to ask the incompetent local leadership to do something?"

• Where to Give; Where Others Are Giving — Instapundit tracks the charity drives.

Review: Fotki.com

For about a year and half, Fotki.com has hosted more than 1,400 of my digital photos, delivering thousands of page views a day. I've sold a few prints here and there, and I recently received a couple of large prints (16x20 and 24x36) of shots taken with my Canon SD500.

So now's a good time to put Fotki.com under the knife. Here's what I can tell you about the service.

• A $50 annual membership allows for unlimited storage and bandwidth. With digital cameras getting more and more powerful, and original files becoming heftier as a result, it's nice to not have to worry about running out of room or being penalized for popularity.

• The print prices are the cheapest around. This print pricelist compares a lot of major online hosts, and Fotki buries 'em all. An 11x14 print costs only $2.50, a 16x20 is a righteous $8.50 and a 24x36 poster is only $12. Your own poster for 12 bucks. I just got my first and it's so cool. Now if only I had a bigger apartment.

• The homepage has a somewhat competitive "most visited today" list. A lot of Fotki members are addicts, and so I'm sure they get stoked if they see their name in the most-visited column on the right side of the home page. I hit the top spot only once, when I debuted my Contiki Wild Western tour photos. When I plug a substantial gallery in a PK.com post, I'll usually get up on that list somewhere. But only for a day. Usually it's dominated by the same cast of characters: Dave Lindsay's car photos, angelicbear's "tags", LTAH Hair Photos and other shit that I can't believe is so popular.

• The comments section acts as a greatest hits area. The best way to see which photos have made an impression is to check the comments people have left for you. They usually come in two varieties: a) the people who really dig photography, and b) the horn-dogs who comment on the T&A shots.

• People whore themselves out all over the place. Posting multiple entries the testimonials page is cheesy enough, but the vapid guestbook entries people leave just to generate traffic to their own galleries is transparent and lame.

• There are a lot of horny mother fuckers out there. All you have to do is find one member posting T&A shots, check her guestbook and you'll be clicking for an hour on the screen names of people who left messages (and sometimes a risque thumbnail and a password to their protected private shots). Find another member posting T&A shots, check her comments and friends links, and you could be in for an all-day affair. Warning: a lot of these exhibitionists are not in the greatest of shapes.

• There's a lot of great work out there. Most people's photos are absolute shit. All you have to do is refresh the home page a few times to survey what's out there. But every now and then you find something great, like an Antarctica album, a bird over an ocean or any of the best entries from the many Fotki contests. Contests whose results are skewed, BTW, because visitors browse/vote on the entries based on the date they were submitted, which means all the early birds get the worms. Can you believe some douchebag gave me one star out of five on my Water contest entry? I checked other entries and he gave several an undeserved one-star rating, probably to boost his own standing.

• You can learn a lot from Fotki members' photos. Like even the biggest tits in the world didn't always attract a ton of bead-throwers at Mardi Gras. Only white kids go to Eminem/50 Cent/Cypress Hill concerts — looks like a goddamn KKK rally. And, of course, never pass out when someone has a permanent marker around.

That's about it. If you have any Fotki secrets, tips or tricks to share, please leave a comment.

In Five Words or Less: Fotki Is Fucking Fantastic

Previously on PK.com

• New York Times Goes All Digi-Cam on Yo Ass
• What I Learned Buying a New Digital Camera
• Every Now and Then I Take a Nice Photo