PaulKatcher.com

Link Dump: And, I'm Off...

By the time you read this, I'll either be getting molested by brain-dead security officers at JFK airport, flying next to some chunkmonster to L.A. or sweating my balls off on the west coast.

Yep, the PK.com Western Tour begins Tuesday, taking me to such places as Los Angeles, San Diego, Tijuana, Phoenix, Sedona, Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, Yosemite National Park, San Francisco and Santa Barbara in a two-week span that won't bring me back to New York till Aug. 2.

I don't expect to have anything new posted here till then, when I'll share the best of hundreds of pictures I plan to take, as well as a quickie review on each destination. Till then, enjoy the plight of the first-place Yankees, who picked up three games in the AL East standings since the All-Star break, despite allowing 40 runs in five games. (They have three players on track for 128+ RBIs, by the way.)

Internet cafés will allow me to check e-mail periodically, but cell phone is the best way for friends to check in. Call as late as you want. I won't be hitting the hay until I'm too passed out to hear anything anyway.

And pay attention to these PSAs:

N.Y. Giants at New Orleans Saints Road Trip
This is your classic trip I take and then get shit from people for not having let them know about it in advance. So consider this your invite. N'awlins is a cheap town, with cheap flights, lodging and booze. Ticketmaster still has seats available for the Sept. 18 game. We don't even have to organize this thing much — jump in with me or gather your own group and let's hook up in the French Quarter for a three-night drinkfest, with the added bonus of NFL football. E-mail me if you want in.

Dennis Frey Sr. Memorial Football Survival Pool
A PK.com reader runs a genuinely well-intentioned NFL survivor pool, in the memory of his father, that helps benefit prostate cancer research. You have no chance of beating me this year, but losing never feels bad when you're doing it for a good cause. Join us.

Today's Web Finds:

• 20 Things You Didn't Know Your PC Could Do — Tips and tricks from PC World.

• Forgotten Pictures of Popular People — Celebrity photos from their super-cheesy days. (Link found on CollegeHumor.com)

• Common Errors in English — If you think it's right to "wet your appetite," "fit the bill" or to "flush out" a developing idea, then you're an idiot.

• The Daily Poop — The most disgusting blog ever, one that chronicles — with pictures — a dump a day. (Thanks, Jonathan, I think)

• eBay: Million Dollars' Worth of Ad Space — Some fattie is selling ad space on her enormous rack.

• Sheriff Rosco Coltrane Toy Looks Like He's Whacking It — A first pump and a smile. The pic says it all. (Thanks, Shumpy)

• Deaths at Disneyland — Happy times at Goofy-ville ... if you make it out alive.

• Fark Honor Roll — A database of some of the website's best Photoshop contest participants.

• Pics: Circuit Girls Bikini Contest at the Old Cafe Iguana — The last gallery of chicks in thong bikinis I'll link to this month. How sad.

• Chainsaw Controller Available to Video Gamers — For those who like to play gory kill-'em-all games with a chainsaw resting just inches from their cash and prizes. (Thanks, Dan)

Today's News Links:

• Bush Won't Wear Speedo — 'In Public, That Is' — The Prez on a gift received from one of 15 new collegiate national champions.

• E! Gives Local Masturbator Inside Scoop On This Summer's Hottest New Swimwear — The Onion is on the scene.

• Colin Farrell Sues Woman Over Sex Tape — I love this shit, man. It's getting to the point where movie studios shouldn't hire anyone unless they have a sex tape that can be released at just the right time for maximum buzz.

Today's Sports Links:

• Gregg Doyel's Favorite College Hoops Venues/Cities/Hotels, etc. — He's says Chicago is New York, but cleaner. Um, yeaaaahhhh. Anyway, big ups to CBS SportsLine, which I visit once a month, for continuing to allow people to post such messages under the column as "PATHETIC favorites list" and "Worst Article Ever?"

• Athlon Sports NFL Team Previews — Don't ask me why these are syndicated on SI.com. Don't they have Dr. Z, who charts every game he sees with multi-colored pencils and keeps his own stats, because he doesn't trust the league tallies?

Today's New York Links:

• Hotel Pennsylvania Sells Out for Cheap Web Hits — Look at the copy on the index page of a place that dubs itself "The World's Most Popular Hotel." Strings of key phrases intended to attract web searches make the place look as desperate for visitors as Mike Damone was for tail in Fast Times At Ridgemont High. (Found on Manhattan User's Guide)

• The Making of Barcade: A Visual Chronicle — A cool photo timeline of just how much work went into the construction of a Brooklyn hangout that's part bar and part arcade.

• We're Nude York, Nude York! — Copy lifted from the New York Observer: "Ass cleavage is really in right now."

• New York City Social Sports Club — Looks like a new competitor to the ultra-successful Zog Sports, of which I'm a total whore for softball, football, basketball and dodgeball leagues.

• The Official Naked Cowboy Online Photo Album — This might be the most-photographed figure in NYC, and he's asking people to share their pictures in this album, which currently holds more than 800 images.

Green Monster Expected to Press Charges Against Sheffield, A-Rod

BOSTON (AP) - A battered, bloodied and confused Green Monster spoke with reporters just minutes after the Yankees won three of four games at Boston's Fenway Park this past weekend, vowing revenge against two assailants he first described only as "wearing Nos. 11 and 13."

A quick call to Karl Rove's office identified the players as Gary Sheffield and Alex Rodriguez, who combined for five home runs and four doubles that were hit into, over and damn near through the Monstah, a beloved Beantown fixture known best for catching a Bucky Dent fly ball with a net in 1978.

"I intend to sue for assault and battery," said the Monster, who also names Sux pitchers Bronson Arroyo, Curt Schilling, Matt Clement and Tim Wakefield as accomplices. "Those [pitchers] are my boys, and I'm really surprised they would treat me like this. I tell Bronson all the time that the best thing I could say about him as a starter is that he's a good guitarist. I'm tight with all the Sux, actually. I even showed Trot Nixon how he wear his uniform real cool, with the first two buttons undone."

When asked if he hates all Yankees, the Monster said, "No, not all of them. Mariano Rivera was good to me this weekend, nailing down three saves with nary an earned run, lowering his ERA to 0.93. I was shocked to see him, too. Considering he's dead and all."

"I was gonna call Mo to congratulate him, but the hitters lost his number."

The Monster also expressed his concern for innocent Fenway bystanders who may have been injured by crush jobs hit by Sheffield and A-Rod that were last seen headed toward Rhode Island. "I heard A-Rod doesn't hit clutch home runs, so I guess they felt safe crossing the street in close games. I feel sorry for them, as well as the edit staff at ESPN.com's Page 2. I don't know what the hell they're gonna write about on Monday."

Calls were made to the Monster's attorney, Christopher House, but his secretary said he was "a little tipsy."

Today's Sports Links:

• WrestleReunion 2 Scheduled for Aug. 26-28 at Valley Forge, Pa. — Check out the old-school line-up: Magnificent Muraco, Greg "The Hammer" Valentine, Ivan Koloff, Tito Santana, the Wild Samoans. I just hope nobody dies.

• Anna Benson Tossed From World Series of Poker for Dropping F-Bomb — Not only that, but News America Now reports that when told by a Bellagio steakhouse staffer that she could not eat with her French bulldog, she dealt the Royal Flush of queen bitchiness, asking, "Don't you know who I am?" They replied, "Absolutely not." (Found on SportsByBrooks.com)

• Police: T-ball Coach Paid Player to Harm Disabled 8-Year-Old — I wouldn't hang out in any local bars if I were this guy. Imagine a couple of drunken roughnecks being told, "Hey, there's the guy who put a hit on a kid." I'm thinking bottle to face in 3.2 seconds. (Thanks, Art)

• ESPN SportsNation Poll on Rafael Palmerio — See where you stand against other fans in 10 questions regarding Palmeiro's legacy. I can see the Hall of Fame induction speech now: "Thank you for bestowing on me this great honor, even if you did it because you had to." (Also see Aaron Gleeman's SABRmetric analysis of Palmeriro's Hall candidacy.)

• Mark Cuban Interested if Pirates for Sale — The Mavs owner is a huge Pirates fan, and he'd show interest if there was a possibility of the club moving. Current owner Kevin McClatchy says there isn't, making this "a nonissue." Cuban says the Pirates have "a great young nucleus for the future." I hope he's talking about their futures with the Yankees.

• ESPN's World Series of Poker Broadcast Schedule — It's funny. Here we have a just-finished main event at the peak of this activity's popularity — people blogging about it all over the place — and ESPN's gonna air the last of the final-table hands on ... November 15! Who the hell's not gonna know the winner by then?

Review: New York's Museum of Modern Art

In a lot of ways, my visit to the Museum of Modern Art on Thursday paralleled my thoughts on the 2005 Yankees. In the beginning stages, I was asking, "What the fuck is this bullshit?" Toward the end, I knew my experience was worth the hefty $20 admission charge. I hope to think the same about the Bombers in October.

Twenty bucks, after all, isn't too steep of a price to see works by Vincent Van Gogh, Claude Monet, Pablo Picasso, Henri Matisse, Andy Warhol and Jackson Pollack, all within walking distance of my apartment.

Let's make this clear: I don't "get" modern art. I love artists, in general, those who create something out of nothing: writers, photographers, musicians, painters. But the slit canvas that looked like a mocha vagina? I could do that. The white whatever square thingee? To quote Derrick Coleman: "Whoop dee damn do." The mirrors in the corner with a couple of home plates on the wall? Someone explain to me how that belongs in one of the most famous museums in the world.

Still, there's something about being in a place that houses about a gazillion dollars worth of art that's cool as shit. When I stood before the Mona Lisa last year in Paris, it was more about just being there, stabbing a flag in the ground before perhaps the most famous work of art in the world.

And so it was at the MoMA. Seeing things like Van Gogh's The Starry Night was stright-up rollin', even if I'm such a blockhead that when I saw a statue of a naked, armless man I wondered, "How the hell does he masturbate?"

(See my gallery of 19 photos. Big ups to the MoMA for letting people take non-flash pics. Same with The Louve. Do you hear that, Country Music Hall of Fame in Nashville? Jesus, get over yourselves and your Willie Nelson sneakers.)

How I Would Script a Yankees-Sux Game

I'm not sure Thursday night's victory overshadows a DL-injury to the fourth of our top six starters, but if I was given a pad and pen to script a Yankees-Red Sux game, it would go something like this...

Giambi homer. Sheffield homer. Alex "True Yankee Whom the Red Sux Tried to Get First" Rodriguez clutch homer off sports radio's Curt From Beantown. Mariano blows ... not the save, but ... everyone away.

My answering machine is on call to see if Joe Torre wants me to start Sunday evening's game.

And we held Ortiz to only one home run. That was solid.

And, in conclusion ... Curt Schilling would have to pitch 147 straight scoreless innings (18 runs in 18.2 innings) to match the 0.98 ERA of Mariano "Did Anyone Order the Casket?" Rivera (4 ER in 36.2 innings).

Hey, it's better than Keith Foulke. (208 innings at last count.)

Sports Illustrated's Landmark Moment in Homoerotisicm

I was combing through some of the many hundreds of issues of Sports Illustrated in my collection when I came across a blast from the past.

Featured on the cover of the Feb. 24, 1997 issue were two of the "finest group of shortstops since World War II": 22-year-old Alex Rodriguez, who batted .358 with 36 HRs and 123 RBIs in his first full season, and 23-year-old Derek Jeter, 1996 Rookie of the Year and newly minted world champion.

The cover was the second time around for both (SI cover search), and they look as happy as you or I would if nine-figure contracts to play baseball were in our futures.

So, I find the beginning of Tom Verducci's "Long on Shortstops" article on page 50. Flip. Flip. Flip. There's individual portraits of five young hot-shots: Jeter, A-Rod, Alex Gonzalez, Rey Ordonez and Edgar Renteria.

And then ... THIS!

Who's idea was this to strip five future stars so that they look like Miami Beach cabana boys on break?

Can you imagine if TIME magazine had done a 1933 cover story on MLB sluggers, lined up Babe Ruth, Jimmie Foxx, Lou Gehrig, Al Simmons and Charlie Gehringer and was like, "All right, boys, let's see some skin!"

Renteria looks like Dudley on Diff'rent Strokes, when Gordon Jump tried to molest him in the bath tub.

In future cover photos, SI featured Nomar Garciaparra and Tom Brady shirtless, and once had Sportsmen of the Year Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa dress in togas. But this one takes the cake. Not that there's anything wrong with it.

(But I still prefer Molly Sims for the skin shots.)

Today's Sports Links:

• Famous World Series of Poker Bad Beats — Strong hands, no matter how well played, can be beat if someone pulls a river card out his ass. Here are six such examples in big-time spots.

• A-Rod Wants to Represent Dominican Republic in World Cup — I don't get it. He was born in America, raised in America, lives in America and works in America. So how is he Dominican?

• The Anti-All-Time All-Stars — David Schoenfeld of ESPN.com's Page 2 comes up with the worst lineup of all-time, consisting of players who managed to hang around for several full seasons. All hail Aurelio Rodriguez, the original Yankee A-Rod.

• Why Does Joe Morgan Hate Moneyball? — SF Weekly on Morgan's eternal criticism of a book that he's never read — and doesn't even seem to be sure who wrote it. Among people who have read the book, I've heard nothing but universal praise. Myself included.

• MLBlogs — I've used this link on SportsBrooks.com before. An index of all the baseball-related blogs run through MLB.com. There's a lot of good stuff in there, from collectors, to groundskeepers to current executives and former managers. Unfortunately, they seem fairly terrible at cross-linking. You'd think it would be easy to jump from one Yankees-related blog to another, but it's not. Nor is there an index by team.

• Reviews: EA Sports' NCAA Football 06 — The game was released on Tuesday, and everyone's digging it. I'll have to rent one at Blockbuster and do a write-up.

• SI Previews All 119 Division I-A College Football Teams — I don't see a preseason ranking, but there's a full review of each team.

• Useless All-Star Information — I like these little nuggets Jayson Stark provides, like the fact that Andruw Jones and Mark Teixeira became the first duo of league-leaders in homers to go long in the Midsummer Classic.

Someone Finally Implements My Greatest Idea Ever

In the spring of 2000, while working as a producer in the digital department of the J. Walter Thompson advertising agency, I was on a team assigned with generating ideas for a digitally enhanced, multi-story, multi-million-dollar Merrill Lynch billboard in Times Square.

I threw out a scenario that I thought could be a hit for decades to come. Plant a kiosk across the street from an ML-branded screen where tourists could line up, have their image broadcast in one of the world's most most-visited areas and walk away with a souvenir photo of their experience.

Eventually, I thought, that spot could be as much of a New York attraction as the Empire State Building or the Statue of Liberty. What group of ham-and-eggers wouldn't want a keepsake of its minute of fame on camera in Times Square? And what company wouldn't want its logo planted on an 8x10 or poster-sized photo of such a must-have NYC souvenir?

Merill Lynch didn't go for it — and I'm pretty sure the idea was never presented to them — but I shared this idea for years with anyone who cared to listen. Everyone thought it was money.

Unfortunately, I knew absolutely zero about broadcasting on billboards and couldn't offer more than just the idea. I was an Internet content guy, still am. So, after leaving JWT shortly thereafter, I waited for someone with the know-how to pull it off. And waited. And waited. Till now.

My former TIME.com coworker Mark sent me an e-mail with the subject line "Six years later..." (actually, it's a little more than five) with a link to a Verizon initiative, where people can have their "Broadband Stories profile" broadcast in Times Square and "receive a photo of [their] moment of fame."

Damn, that sounds familiar. I hope it takes off, though I think it would have a better chance if they just allowed people to do the "friends forever" photos that are to Shutterfly and Ofoto what slot machines are to Las Vegas.

Today's Web Finds:

• Huffing Cans of Dust-Off Can Kill You — True story: I've got this computer keyboard jet air-duster, and I tried to go all Dizzy Gillespie by shooting it in my mouth. Then I read on the canister: "First Aid for Ingestion: SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION IMMEDIATELY." I fucking freaked. Forget the toxins; I almost died of a heart attack. I was 31 years old when I tried this, by the way. (Thanks, Shumpy)

• The Phat Phree's 50 Coolest On-Screen Rides — I was thinking the Genral Lee for No. 1, but it's not even close. Then again, I love the pick for the top spot, the NYC subway. And the National Lampoon Family Truckster rocks.

• Redneck Deluxe Trailer Vacation Getaway Attracts No Bids on eBay — Were you guys sleepin' on this or what?

• Live 8 Video Downloads — Videos of every song performed in the multi-city Live 8 concert, from U2 to Snoop Dogg to Bon Jovi to Toby Keith to Tami the HIV-positive Muppet. This is high-quality stuff; broadband at its best. (Found on GorillaMask.net)

• Hooters Shooters — Fake-titty liquor shooters. Talk about a photo-op. Get these things in the French Quarter when I hit the Sept. 18 Giants-Saints game, damnit.

• How to Get Laid at a Sex Event — A Village Voice article on erotic etiquette. Not that any of you knuckle-draggers need any help.

• PBase Magazine — A 28-page, free, quarterly magazine from one of the Internet's most popular online photo hosting services. Save yourself some ink and print this out at work. And while you're at it, mail me a copy.

• My "Sunrise, Sunset" Photo Contest Entry on Fotki.com — My shot of a sailboat crossing the horizon in Key West's Mallory Square looks similar to my Water contest entry, huh? BTW, everyone and his brother has a nice sunset photo and is entered in this contest, which is ridiculously biased toward the entries listed on the first page (of 22), considering it's based on total votes and not average votes.

• Practice Makes Perfect? — My buddy Joe Concha of RealHoboken.com on relationship stuff. Let's play a game of Does Paul Ever Link to Relationship Articles or Is He Just Doing This as a Favor to Joe?

Review: Yankee Stadium Afternoon Tour

Monday I did what any baseball fan with a free afternoon and $14 can do: take a tour of Yankee Stadium that brings groups of up to 50 to the press box, inside the clubhouse, into the dugout and out to Monument Park.

Being that I've been inside the Stadium well over 100 times, I went not to learn anything new but to get some pictures, and I made like the revamped Giambino and yanked some out of the park. Here's my gallery of 21 photos, most of which I applied Photoshop's Posterize function to, just playing around a bit. I recommend using it for shots after bumping up the hue and saturation levels, while ignoring sharpening.

The Yankees run two tours daily, at noon and 1 p.m. I was able to walk up at 11:45 a.m. and buy a ticket for the later tour, which I joined after cooling my heels at Yankee Tavern for lunch. And I made sure to go when the Yankees weren't at home, as the clubhouse is closed to the public on those days.

Some other stuff of note:

• No pictures are allowed in the clubhouse, in order to protect the players' personal space. The same personal space the Yankees sell views of to the public for $14 a clip. The good: That place has seen more Champagne than all of France. The bad: It's where Hideki Irabu walked naked.

• Like any good tour, it had its share of bumbling Japanese tourists apologizing for bumping into me.

• Outside the Stadium I was told that Gerald Williams used to bang Suzyn Waldman. Now I have indeed heard them all.

• Sitting in the dugout was my favorite part. Did you know those fuckers have cooling vents in the summer and heated seats in October? The Stadium's a little old and crusty, but not where the $200 million men walk. I did imagine charging out of the dugout to bludgeon Curt Schilling with a nail-spiked bat. Man, that would be awesome.

• The gate was swung open where Mariano Rivera used to trot out before his career ended in April. That was a cool view.

• Thanks to the PK.com reader who recognized me and took that pic of me in front of Don Mattingly's retired number. She came through like the Greatest Living Ballplayer himself.

Break Dance: Reasons to Celebrate at Half-Way Mark

Firing off the bullet points on the state of the Yankees at the break, 46-40 (.535), two losses back in both the AL East and wild-card races.

• What a half. More streaks than can be found in Al Bundy's tighty-whities left us wondering: Are they this bad or just playing this bad? Are they this good or just playing this good? Honestly, I didn't know what to think. Every week a new team would show up.

• After an 11-19 start (game log), the Yankees are 35-21 (.625). Playing at that rate the rest of the year would leave them at 94-68. Among AL teams, only the White Sox (107) and Angels (96) are on pace to win that many. So we're right there at the 13-mile mark of this marathon.

• Of course, you'd have to believe that the 11-19 team is dead and gone. And I do. Robinson Cano and Chien-Ming Wang weren't part of that mix, the middle relief has a new look, and the defense has been better than abysmal.

• Notice anything about the next three series on the second-half schedule? At Boston, at Texas and at L.A. Those teams are No. 3, No. 2 and No. 6 in runs scored. It's all about the starters, man.

• If you knew before the season that the Yankees would lead the AL in runs, walks and OBP, and be No. 3 in home runs, with Mariano Rivera having the best season of his career, you'd figure them better than six wins over .500, no?

• Not only is Jason Giambi primed for a solid second half, he actually had a pretty good first half, if you go by the fashionable modern stats that aren't as relaint on teammates as runs and RBIs. Check it: .426 OBP (1st in AL), .890 OPS (15th in AL).

• Hideki Matsui (.320 BA, 14 HR, 70 RBIs, .384 OBP. .915 OPS) deserves to be on the All-Star team, but I'm glad he's getting the rest. Man, has he turned it around, raising his average 58 points since June 2 (game log).

• It took three decades to learn he identity of Deep Throat, and I wonder if it'll take that long to learn whether Joe Torre continued to play Giambi because he had to (contract) or because he really thought Jason was capable of weeks like this.

• More than 52,000 people have attended each of the Yankees' last nine home games, all supposedly sellouts. That's killer. Nice job by all the fans.

• Being that he hits in front of Gary Sheffield, Alex Rodriguez and Matsui, Cano has got to learn to bunt runners over. Just has to. And Saturday's loss showed he really can't do that now.

• Don Mattingly officially got the loudest ovation at Old Timers Day. No one else was even close. It's like a cult thing now. He may not have a ring, but we treat him like a king every chance we get.

• David Justice was miked up for Old Timers Day and, after bragging about going "upper tank" in batting practice, was asked who he wanted to face in the game. He replied, "Anyone who can throw it down the middle with nothing on it." Unfortunately, Felix Heredia was not in the park.

• Wade Boggs freaked me out with his new hair. I guess he bartered it from Medical Hair Restoration for promotion.

Today's Sports Links:

You can find everything at SportsByBrooks.com, where I wrote today's update, including:

• The biggest Sports Illustrated curse ever
• Jose Canseco's smelly Surreal Life dump
• Diamond Dallas Page's yoga book
• The loudest Yankees fan ever
• EA Sports' NCAA Football 06 release
• Where is Evander Holyfield's ear chunk?

Sports Links: Bret Boone Makes Like Mike Schmidt

Head on over to SportsByBrooks.com today for my daily dose of sports links. Thanks to all who submitted their finds. Always appreciated, and since I have to turn around another update by Monday, keep the e-mails coming.

The highlights today:

• Video: Bret Boone cries like a 6-year-old girl
• Sneak peek at Madden NFL 06 player ratings
• Redneck Games include Armpit Serenade and Butt Crack Competition
• "The Worst Ballpark in the World"
• Three-time winner of Ugliest Dog Competition
• Hulk Hogan sees Backstreet Boys in concert
• Scott Podsednik votes himself into All-Star Game

Also check out Brooks' awesome pic of Cora and Colene at Versailles. I know we're supposed to hate the French, but does that include long-dead architects and artists? Spectacular shot, that tourist's knee brace notwithstanding.

Wearing This Shirt Won't Get You Sodomized After All

There's no longer reason to crap your pants if dad runs off to church in a green polo shirt with the collar turned up. Chances are he's not sending out a signal to bone anyone in sight.

But at least a few people with said fashion taste had to have received some funny looks at July 4 barbecues after Something Awful circulated a now-debunked Internet hoax about the practice of "greenlighting," defined as such in the Greenlighter FAQ:

"Greenlighting is when a male or female (often bisexual) will wear a green shirt, either polo or otherwise, and "pop" or pull their collar up. This marks them as being ready for sex with anyone who chooses them, be it male or female, they are "collared" when someone approaches them and pulls their collar down. This leads to sexual intercourse in most cases or sodomy when both partners are male."

SA's principle pranksters comment on their experiences pushing the faux movement, and at least one person shares my opinion that this could be a self-fulfilling meme.

So while Wikipedia users are debating the worth of their Greenlighting entry — many calling for deletion on the basis of neology — I say keep it around for a bit. I wouldn't be surprised to see a few of these shirts on the sreets, if only for laughs.

(Wikipedia also has an entry on the porn parody film Saving Ryan's Privates, proving that all but maybe three things in the world are indexed there.)

Today's Web Finds:

• Video: Blind Date With Crack Whore — A clip from The Damn Show DVD parodies Roger Lodge and a blind date between a nervous white guy and a black crackwhore who says during a meal after smoking the rock, "Look, I'm gonna take a shit, and then I'll be right back." No hot-tub scene, but absolutely hilarious. In the post-date interview, she says, "I can't believe you set me up with a cracker with a two-inch goddamn penis" and "Hell no, I don't wanna see that mutha fucker no goddamn more!" (Thanks, Shumpy)

• Photo: Britney's Huge Pregnant Nips — That's just part one. Here's part two. I'm telling you right now, how she looks six months after popping out that kid has more money riding on it than the NHL labor situation. We're talking a mega-million-dollar difference between "Britney's Back — and She's One Hot Momma!" and "Britney's Battle With the Bulge — a PEOPLE Exclusive."

• Phallic Logo Awards — These are hilarious, and I covered the winner in a previous post titled "The Worst Logo of All Time."

• NJ Bikini Team: Christina Penegar — Great pics of this fitness model. And she's into tumbling and knee boarding. Sounds kinky, baby!

• Video Rant: McDonald's Now Takes Credit Cards — If you plan to use a credit card to purchase a $1.25 hamburger, Drinking With Bob is the last guy you want to pay in front of. I would be No. 2.

• Internet Sidelines of Well-Known Entertainment Figures — The Onion A.V. Club rounds up some site where celebrities are working on some side projects, such as Leonard Nimoy's photography, Billy Dee Williams' art and Michael Madsen's poetry.

• Yahoo's Tech Tuesday: Blogs, RSS and Podcasts — Looking to join the millions of people who've started their own boring websites? Yahoo tells you how to become your own publisher of drivel. AOL Journals? Woah, those sound 2 kewl!

• RateMyBeer.com Lists Top 100 Brewers — What, no love for the Beast? Still one of the great uncomplimentary nicknames. Even college kids are smart enough to know that a beer that costs less than a newspaper, tastes like shit, and leaves you with a hangover while you're still drinking it should not be named Milwaukee's Best.

Today's News Links:

• Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock? — In an editorial for The Onion, Bruce Heffernan says he's fed up: "Believe me, I have no interest in getting my cock sucked by some queer. But try telling that to the guy at the beach club. Or the one at the video store. Or the one who catered my wedding. Or any of the countless other homos who've come on to me recently. All of them sucked my cock, and there was nothing I could do to stop them."

• Lohan: 'You Will Never See Me in a Nude Scene' — If we're talking feature film, maybe. But does anyone really think she's never getting naked for cash? Anyway, she's not even on my Holy Grail list of celebs we haven't yet seen nekkid. A year since writing it, though, I'm bumping Jennifer Aniston to No. 1, with Britney on the disabled list.

• Murderball Star on the Sex Lives of Quadriplegics — A Nerve.com interview asks the same sort of questions the New York Post recently did. Some publicist must be selling that angle.

• We're Going to Eat Out of a What? — Answer: Toilet. (With pics.)

Today's New York Links:

• Nightmare on Orchard Street — An essay in the Village Voice by Rachel Aviv, one of 33 New Yorkers who paid a deposit on the same apartment ... to a woman who fled for Germany with their loot.

• NYC Guitar School — I think this might be a new place, offering 10-week courses and private lessons. And check this out, they offer a Rock Band course in which students play a show at the end of the program.

• Accomplice: New York — Last week's write-up in Time Out New York described this Saturday-afternoon event as "equal parts interactive theater, puzzle challenge and walking tour." I'm gonna give it a shot next month. (They're booked this Saturday and next.)

Hey, Looks Who's Not Stealing Money Anymore

Slowly but surely, Jason Giambi and I are turning things around. The Yankees have now won seven of the last eight games I've attended, including Tuesday afternoon's 12-3 drubbing of the Orioles. The Giambino, meanwhile, is doing great, looking like the hard-swinging steroid freak we hoped he'd be.

Coming off a June (game log) in which he batted .310 with a .474 OBP and a .905 OPS, albeit with only one one dinger, Giambi went 5-for-7 with three home runs, two doubles, a walk and a HBP in nine plate appearances in the two-game mini-sweep.

I never thought I'd see Tino Martinez come off the bench as a pinch-runner, but that was a really cool thing Joe Torre did, as he allowed Giambi to receive a well-deserved standing ovation while trotting back to the dugout after a sixth-inning double.

Giambi's OBP now stands at .420, best on the Yankees and trailing only Brian Roberts' .427 in the American League. Three other Yankees — Alex Rodriguez (.415), Gary Sheffield (.394) and Hideki Matsui (.385) are in the top 10. (Giambi doesn't have enough plate appearances to officially qualify for league leaders, but he's only a few plate appearances off pace.)

Looks like I was onto something when I noticed at the Stadium weeks ago that Giambi looked a little bulked up again. Hey man, whatever works. Desperate times, bro. You know the rest.

Notes From Tuesday's Game:

• Leading off the bottom of the fifth inning, with the Yankees up 10-0, John Flaherty grounded out, meaning that he and Tony Womack, who each earlier bounced into a double play, were responsible for eight of New York's 13 outs to that point. Combined, they went 1-for-9 with four strikeouts and 10 men left on base.

• Giambi delivered Tuesday's Buzzword, a between-innings Diamondvision game in which a selected fan gets three chances to link a clue given by a Yankee to a secret word. The first clue was "my father's favorite player." I knew the answer was Mickey Mantle, but for goofs I would've written down Jeremy Giambi.

• The attendance was 55,276 on an afternoon work day. Whew. Still, a friend and I picked up two-for-$25 upper-deckers off the street, then moved to empty Tier box seats which are normally $40 each. More and more, I'm learning to never pay retail.

• I finally ran into one of the Ultimate Road Trip crew — four fans who are attending all 162 Yankees games, as part of a YES Network reailty series. So many people told me to audition for it, but I was out of town when casting was going on. Anyway, here's a pic of me with Bleacher Creature super-fan Vinny Milano, who was a really nice guy.

• How am I supposed to choose between Jeter and Matsui for the final spot in the All-Star Game? Captain Intangibles is batting .308, tops the AL in runs scored and is among the league leaders in hits, walks and OBP. Oh, and he's Derek Jeter and this is an All-Star Game. Godzilla is batting .317 and is fourth in the AL with 65 RBIs, behind three All-Star starters. I don't know who to pick, so I voted for them each 10 times on MLB.com.

• What do you think Giambi said to Sammy Sosa, when So-So broke an 0-for-20 slide and stood at first base? "So, Sammy, how was Washington?" "No speak English, Giambino."

• The game ended before 4 p.m., and the Yankees have off before hosting the Indians for four games starting Thursday. Tonight's a celebrity-spotting opportunity in the clubs if ever there was one.

I Need Your Sports Links: I'm writing Friday's and next Monday's update on SportsByBrooks.com, so if you come across any good links for inclusion, I'll be forever grateful if you send 'em my way.

Today's Sports Links (That I'm Not Saving for SbB):

• Public Enemy No. 1 — David Shoenfield runs down the most-hated MLBers by fans of each team. Smart idea. A-Rod gets the most-hated nod by three teams, which is understandable because he signed a contract to get paid $252 million to play baseball. None of us would have done that.

• Ex-Syracuse Player Edelin Enrolled at NAIA School — How one goes from being a key freshman in an NCAA title run (11 ppg in the 2003 tourney) to taking classes at Mountain State University I'll never know.

Photos: July 4 Fireworks in the Bronx and Brooklyn

My Canon SD500 is out of the hospital and back in spring training, gearing up for my my two-week west coast U.S. trip starting on July 19.

Here's where I took it to celebrate America's 229th birthday Monday:

Yankee Stadium: Bronx, N.Y.

• Twelve pitchers, 397 pitches, 21 runs, 22 hits, 15 walks, four hit batsmen, and me absolutely cooking in the sun for FOUR HOURS AND 12 MINUTES TO PLAY 8½ INNINGS! One of those games where if you lose, you don't ride the subway home; you throw yourself in front of it.

• If you're gonna watch the Nathan's hot-dog eating contest — as I did at Yankee Tavern — do it on an empty stomach. Absolutely disgusting.

• With three-fifths of the starting staff shelved and a shake-up all season in our middle relievers (Karsay, Quantrill, Stanton all bye-bye), here's who we rolled out for the first eight innings on a $200 million payroll: Sturtze, Proctor, Franklin and Anderson. Sounds like a law firm. One that doesn't make as much as Felix Rodriguez combined ($3.15 million).

• Did anyone see Bubby Crosby's 75th birthday present for The Boss, when he ran up and slid into Jason Giambi at second base, when the Giambino had to hold up at first to see if a bloop would be caught? I have to see that again. They didn't show a Stadium replay of the most embarrassing play since Carlton Fisk of the White Sox tagged out both Bobby Meacham and Dale Berra in a span of a half-second in 1985.

• Sammy Sosa has one hit in his last 37 at-bats, hitting .225 overall. What a precipitous decline. He walks to the plate and everyone's like, "Sosa's up, cool."

• Your Mariano Rivera-Keith Foulke comparison of the week: Foulke (39 IP, 27 earned runs, 6.23) would now need to pitch 253 straight scoreless innings to match Rivera's 0.83 ERA (3 earned runs in 27.2 innings). I'm thinking we can get to 300 before the week is out.

• Big Unit and Flash. We need you guys Tuesday afternoon.

Macy's Fireworks, Brooklyn, N.Y.

• Thanks to my man G-Money and his gal for hosting us at a righteous Brooklyn Heights BBQ. Awesome view from that promenade.

• 40,000 fireworks in 30 minutes is always cool as shit.

• Tough to shoot these things without a tripod, but I'm pleased with some shots.

Ultimate Warrior Goes Down on Hulk Hogan, and More

I wrote Friday's an update for SportsByBrooks.com, so head on over there for Friday's sports fix, including:

• This pic that won Maxim's Found Porn contest
• NASCAR: The Army's unlikely adviser
• Some nut sells sweatbands for $110 on eBay
• Rudi Stein and Engelberg to throw out first pitch
• Jeanette Lee hustles in disguise
• The 2005 Alka-Seltzer U.S. Open of Competitive Eating
• ... and more

Here are some other sports-related items:

• A's Beat Giants, 16-0, in 2:14 — An end note in Phil Mushnick's latest rip-a-thon. That's pretty incredible, having nine pitchers giving up 25 hits and 16 runs in less than 2¼ hours. Now if only someone could tell me how this happened. Batters swinging at the first pitch after the game was out of reach, perhaps?

• Yanks Reject Mets' Cameron-for-Sheffield Offer — There's an essential element to this story that I haven't seen anyone discuss. And that is how much thought the Yankees gave to actually considering it. If the Bombers had the same reaction I did, which is to check if the calendar is April 1 and wonder, "Why not try Looper-for-Rivera while you're at it?" then it's a non-story.

• Taking Aim At Soros Is Hardly Politic — The Washington Post's Sally Jenkins' lead: "Some Republican lawmakers don't think George Soros should be permitted to purchase a Major League Baseball team because he's too liberal and he has some wacky notions. I must have been napping, and that's why I missed the part where we became a country in which Democrats are no longer allowed to buy things."

• Rosenthal: Biggio Exceeds the Hall Standard — The Sporting News' lead baseball writer says yes. I say probably not. I think you could write a pretty substantial book about baseball in the 1990s and 2000s without mentioning Biggio, let alone dedicating any significant part of it to him, a guy with very-good-but-not-great stats and no real big-game legacy. Excellent player, no doubt. But as fearsome as yet-to-be-inducted Andre Dawson? I don't think so.

• Orange Unveil New Uniforms — Syracuse has a new football coach and new uniforms. Hey, I have an idea. How 'bout a new record?

• O's Silence Says Mazzilli Won't Return — I hope you're right, Baltimore Sun, if it means the Orioles tank. Let the sweepstakes for Joe Torre's successor begin. And you know that's gonna be a huge story. My money's on Joe Girardi.

• The Sporting News: The Good Guys — The mag's annual feature of athletes doing right off the field. Says a lot about the media, says a lot about us as readers, that we know a lot less about what some of these guys do than whether or not Shaq shook Kobe's hand on Christmas Day.