PaulKatcher.com

Statler and Waldorf (My Heroes) Review Current Movies

The Muppets are like pizza and the Yankees. Only commies don't like 'em. So it was with great joy that I discovered this week on Gorilla Mask that comedic curmudgeons Statler and Waldorf are reviewing flicks on Movies.com From the Balcony.

Almost three years ago, I profiled my 10 favorite Muppets, and it must not have been a ranking in order, because no way am I am fan of that walking wedgie target, the über-peon Scooter, over these hilarious bags of dust. In fact, aside from the Playboy mansion, the Muppets balcony is probably the place I most want to visit before I die.

Here's what I wrote about Statler and Waldorf back in 2002:

I don't have to see a psychic to find out what my life is going to be like in 40 years. I've already seen it in the form of two old curmudgeons who ditched the wives for a couple of hours to get drunk and rain down insults on puppets. God, I hope I'm around to enjoy such pleasures.

Anyway, this week, the geriatric gents review War of the Worlds and Bewitched, the first of which they liked ("Nurse, new trousers, please!") and the latter of which they thought bombed like Keith Foulke, who needs to pitch 210 straight scoreless innings to match Mariano "He's Finished" Rivera's 0.91 ERA. (That's not even a joke. It's true. It's true.)

In case you're scoring at home, that makes the count since their break-up: Tom Cruise 197, Nicole Kidman -12, for a differential of 209, easily outdistancing Brad Pitt (132) and Jennifer Aniston (3), who come in at 129.

Also, pay close attention to how Statler and Waldorf keep looking down at their right hands, which are both planted firmly on their crotches. And that's the kind of news that keep you coming back here. Admit it.

Today's Web Finds:

• Cass' Blog: Trust Me, I'm a Blonde — If you're a reader of my comments, then you know Cass as a long-time supporter of this site, and a woman who's as subtle as a Mets fan's B.O. If this new site doesn't break the T.M.I. world record, then I'll run around Central Park in a Red Sux thong. Don't let me down, girl! (And good luck.)

• Larry David's Guest Blog Post — When I do make it up to the Statler and Waldorf balcony, this is the guy I want to see a show with. Anyway, here are the thoughts that go through his head when he can't sleep. Love the part about curing Parkinson's.

• Reviews: March of the Penguins — This documentary, opening this weekend and narrated by Morgan Freeman, is getting some high praise. Reviews | Trailer.

• Pics: Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn Together — Look at that first pic. Are they filming something? 'Cause if not, and he's doing that huggy-huggy stuff with men's crotches so close to him, I'm gonna have to reconsider seeing Wedding Crashers.

• SongFacts: Billy Joel's Captain Jack — Was this actually played when Hillary Clinton announced her Senate campaign? And did Rudy Giuliani actually contend that she was supporting drug use? I hope neither was that stupid.

• Beer Can Jewelry — I actually love the PBR bracelet. Would make a perfect drinking accessory at Yogi's. For $80, I'll make my own, though.

• TIME.com's 50 Coolest Websites — I know how tough these lists can be, because you want to try to mix quality with a bit of newness. Else it would be the same ESPN, Google, Amazon, eBay stuff. But I bet you find some good stuff here from my old friends.

• 10 Ways to Get a Flight Upgrade — MSNBC's travel columnist on some things you can do other than the No. 1 tried-and-tested method: stomp your feet and act like a total asshole.

Tribute: Celebrating New York City

Tuesday I hit the Tribute: Celebrating New York City museum located in the Standard Oil Building at 24 Broadway in lower Manhattan. Definitely worth the $10 admission charge if you're a big fan of the city's history.

Among the exhibits, (which I wasn't supposed to take pictures of, but whatever; that's what walls shielding the ushers are for):

New York in the 70s:

• Photographs by Allan Tannenbaum, a former shutterbug for the SoHo News, that highlight politics, showbiz, nightlife and the last days of John Lennon. If you haven't eaten yet, here's a Tannenbaum pic of Lennon and Yoko Ono making love. Now that's what I call "doing the nasty."

You can view the entire collection online, including some classic pics of Bruce Springsteen in the Music section and at least one decent blowjob shot in the Nightlife section. Hey man, it's art.

• Life-size sculptures by John Dowd, who works primarily in hydrocal and resin — some serious stuff right there, I guess; I'm more of a paint-by-numbers guy — including the pictured Andy Warhol pieces and "Last Call," a full-size replica of a typical NYC bar at five minutes to 4 a.m. That scene was spectacular, really. In fact, there was only one attractive chick left in the joint, just like in real life.

• Village people memorabilia lent to the museum by Randy Jones, who was the Cowboy when he wasn't winning the 1976 Cy Young Award with the Padres.

Remember:

• David Niles' 15-minute "cinematic postcard" for people to experience the "power creativity, humanity and resilience of this remarkable city" was awesome. I was immediately floored by the the high-definition video compilation of New York life, from aerial views of Central Park to ordinary folks just doing their thing.

There's a loose tie-in to 9/11 and, while no actual footage from the day is shown, panicked FDNY radio calls are aired, and the screen goes black before we hear a huge crescendo of rumbling, followed by the physical shaking of my seat for many seconds. I'm not sure my heart needed that, but to each his own trying to do right in regards to Sept. 11.

And in Conclusion:

Here are my photos from the day, which include some other random shots from Lower Manhattan, including Sammy's Romanian steakhouse, where I had a kick-ass garlic tenderloin steak (and did not touch the chicken fat), and a compilation of signs commemorating Yankees parades up the Canyon of Heroes.

I also started a Miscellaneous NYC Photos - Album 2, just another dumping ground for a here-and-there pics when I don't have enough to make a new album. Check out the Photoshop "posterize" filter I used on the first two shots. I think they look pretty cool.

Beat This Caption: Ortiz and Manny Sitting in a Tree

A multi-caption picture for this site if ever there was one:

"Manny, please don't cry, but there's someone else. His name is Curt, and he's the most wonderful man. He knows everything about baseball ... just ask him. Politics, too! He knows who would make good and bad teammates — even future Hall of Famers he's never played with! And, of course, you know about my bloody foot fetish."

"Don't feel slighted, Manny. Babe Ruth and Mickey Mantle were once put on waivers, too. It's a sign of total respect."

"Manny, every day I derive great joy in watching you do things I've never seen before. Like just now when you ran hard to first base."

"No, Manny, it's Big Papi, with an i. Stop telling people I'm named after a large bagel."

"Big Papi, how come Luis Sojo's hand is four times shinier than mine?"

"Big Papi, I want you to show me everything. Teach me how to love, teach me how to trust. Most of all, teach me how many outs are in an inning."

Weekend Sports Wrap: My First Live PGA Tour Event

Sunday I saw a man hit a 65-foot putt worth $414,000. Even if he'd missed, he would have taken home $621,000 for second place, instead of the $1,035,000 grand prize. And that speaks volumes for both the level of play on the PGA Tour and the assload of money (results and earnings) that abounds throughout its events.

Having never been to a PGA Tour event, I jumped at the chance to pick up a friend's extra VIP ticket supplied by FactSet (thanks, whoever the hell you are!) to the final round of the Barclays Classic (formerly the Buick Classic) in nearby Harrison, N.Y.

Highlights:

• Loren Roberts being the first pro I ever saw tee off — and launching a hook shot that landed somewhere in New Jersey. The equivalent of going to your first baseball game and having the leadoff batter whiff and lose his bat into the stands (a la Dave Winfield, who was always a threat to take out the first row).

• The 16th-hole air-conditioned VIP hospitality tent. You might think Swedish meatballs, soft tacos, cookies, cake and beer don't mix, but don't tell that to my stomach.

• White people ... EVERYWHERE! Let me tell ya, there might be urban youth programs trying to spread the love of golf, but no one's busing kids up to Westchester to see the pros.

• The event volunteers. Who volunteers to work for a company handing out a first-place prize of over $1 million? That's like donating cash to Microsoft for computer-science research.

• The power and consistency of their long games. The amazing control of their short games. Nothing like seeing world-class athletes up close.

• That being said, golf is better on TV. You just can never get a better vantage point than those cameras. There are pros and cons to every TV-vs.-live debate, but being able to actually see what's going on should trump all, free Swedish meatballs notwithstanding.

• Surprising, no one wore a "Tiger Woods Made Me a Ton of Money" T-shirt. Look at it this way: Michael Jordan was worth $1 billion for the NBA and Nike, but Tiger has made a sick amount of money for everyone associated with golf. Every player, yes, but every sponsor as well. He's made so much more, indirectly, for Taylor Made, Callaway and other sponsors than Jordan ever did for adidas and Reebok.

• Padraig Harrington (not the guy who played Schneider on One Day at a Time) staging a three-stroke comeback in the final five holes, capitalizing on Jim Furyk's yips. That 65-foot eagle was something else, and you should have seen him just crush an iron to reach the green in two.

As for the Yankees:

• Four games back in the wild-card standings, we play the Orioles five of the next eight. The first four after the All-Star break are at Fenway. The Twins and Texas are also on the July sked. It's just like when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor, man.

• Alex Rodriguez is on track for .338, 43 HR, 140 RBI, 17 steals, .438 OBP and .606 slugging, and he's challenging Don Mattingly in 1985 and 1986 for the most productive season since ... Mickey Mantle's Triple Crown year in 1956. Believe it.

• Jason Giambi doesn't really make me throw up anymore. Just mild nausea. At least he's hitting some balls hard, going the other way here and there. I just hope he's continuing to work hard with the Greatest Living Hitting Coach and getting his daily intake of strippers.

• The next game Bernie Williams starts in center field should be in the Old Timer's game. Maybe even this season.

• Is anyone even paying attention to Jaret Wright's progress on the DL?

• Your "Mariano Rivera Is Done" update of the week! In his last 17 appearances, dating back to May 9 (game log), the Sandman is 2-0 with 11 saves in 19 innings, in which he's given 7 hits and 0 runs. Zero. None. No runs. 0.00 ERA since May 9, when he had a bloated 2.79 ERA. (It's now 0.94. See ya in the All-Star Game!)

And in conclusion...

• Heaven is selling two $15 Red Sux-Orioles seats for $131 on eBay. Though I've taken such a bath on event tickets the last couple of years, I have plenty of catching up to do.

Today's Sports Links:

• SportsByBrooks — I wrote Monday's update, so there's 13 links waiting for you there.

SportsByBrooks.com Takes Bite Out of Big Apple

Last night I had a really, really tough job. I played photographer at L.A.-based SportsByBrooks.com's first-ever East Coast event at the Overlook Lounge in New York, taking pictures of some of the prettiest girls I never had to tip. (There's a piece of my work right there.)

The SbB road show is on its way to Boston for Saturday's event and then to Washington D.C. on June 28, so check those out if you're in town.

I'm sure it'll take Brooks a good amount of time to edit and upload the shots taken by me and his regular event photog, Jason, so I guess just keep checking his events page and his NYC photos page for the rest. There's a couple with me and SbB hotties Denise, Cora and Annie buried in the media card, and I'll post those if I get my hands on them.

The event itself was a four-round trivia tournament, and my buddy BassAleMan failed in his attempt to become the first-ever coast-to-coast champion by letting too many Hoegaardens limit his reaction time and thus not buzz in in time on the deciding question: Who did Isiah Thomas replace as the Knicks' general manager? (Scott Layden, of course.)

I've known Brooks since 2002 when I interviewed him for my site and included SbB as one of 10 Essential sports Sites in an article I wrote for TIME magazine. It's been fun to watch that site rise dramatically in popularity over the years, and I'm proud to have a seat on the bus as a writer.

So congrats to Brooks on a milestone achievement. Thanks to the gals for letting me play NYC tour guide at haul-ass speed. Thanks to Jason for being a cool lead photographer, as well as my friends Mark and Chaundra for hosting us at Overlook Lounge.

What Gets Stuck to Pages of SI's Swimsuit Issue?

This was an actual question I was asked during a recent game of Trivial Pursuit:

I responded with the obvious R-rated response.

But I was wrong. The back of the card read "3-D glasses." Which makes sense, because the other stuff had been getting stuck to pages for years before 2000.

Today's Web Finds:

• 50 Smartest Things to Do With Your Money — Everything from real estate and tax advice to such consumer tips as getting the most out of your frequent-flier miles and "Dicker with the doctor," which I think was an old Ron Jeremy movie.

• AFI's 100 Years...100 Movie Quotes — Frankly, my dear, this list looks a lot like my preview last December, when I offered up some heavyweight contenders for the top spots. I'm still miffed by AFI's utter ignorance when it comes to the work of Thornton Melon, Long Duk Dong, Lloyd Christmas and Dudley 'Booger' Dawson.

• Revenge of the Nerds Scheduled for 2006 Remake — I will slaughter the firstborn of every movie exec in Hollywood before I will allow this film to tranish the legacy of Lamba Lamda Lamda (and Omega Mu; they sure can party). We must form a nationwide coalition and, if forced, we'll do just like when Kramer went out to take down Kenny Rogers Roasters: we'll take it to the streets. Funny quotes | stills, including some nose-pickin' and belching | sounds, including the Nerds rap.

• Best Movies Set in Each of the 50 States — Steve Silver runs down his picks, including The Godfather for New York, which would have an awesome top-50 list of its own. Somebody get on that. I'm seriously underqualified.

• Video: San Andreas Nude Scene Hack in Action — Dude, if you're messing with hacks to bang street skanks in a gangsta video game, you've got problems. Serious fucking problems.

• Joke: Little Johnny Wants to Move to Third Grade — Gotta hand it to the kid. He's very wise for his age. Most adults, however, should know that what goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky is, in fact, bubblegum. (Thanks, Shumpy)

• My 2003 Empire State Building Photos — I went atop NYC's most famous building on Wednesday, but I didn't take new pics, because my new cam is still in the repair shop at Canon. But these old photos do kick ass.

How I Almost Saw the Best Yankees Win of the Year

This post was almost titled "My Night on Japanese TV." But the Yankees' 13-run eighth inning, polishing off a comeback from 10-2 in the fifth inning, trumped even that funny event. Here's how I saw the greatest Yankees win of the year:

• After spending the day with Brooks from SportsByBrooks.com and his harem of NYC-newbie hotties, doing the tourist stuff — huge lunch at Carnegie Deli and a calorie-burning trek through Central Park — we all headed up to Yankee Stadium. Brooks and Co. had four $90 tix, only a few rows from the field. Longtime Yankees fan Kevin from NYCBP.com and I didn't have ducats, but planned to pick up a few cheapies off the street after a couple of innings and beers at Yankee Tavern, a block off River Avenue.

• Then Randy Johnson stunk up the joint like a month-old carton of milk, his last pitch being thrown when it was 7-1 D-Rays in the third inning. So there was no way we were buying our way into that funeral.

• In the fourth, with the score 10-2 Rays, we were approached by a crew from a Japenese TV network. They were looking for people to interview about the HUGE Hideo Nomo-Hideki Matsui matchup, which nobody here gave a shit about. They told us that Matsui was more popular than the emperor, and that they were hired full-time to cover Matsui. Anyway, Hideki roped a single to right off of Nomo, and we hammed it up like mad, cheering like nuts and me banging on the bar, demanding celebratory shots. When asked my thoughts on Godzilla this season, I said, "I hope this season for the Yankees and Matsui ends with a happy ending." I'm hoping that when it's subtitled in Japanese that they translate it as "The Yankees and Matsui will end the season with a rub-down and a manual release."

• So we hung out at Yankee Tavern, had a few pops, and just when we were making plans to leave, with the Yankees down 10-2 in the fifth, they score four runs and actually bring the tying run to the plate with the bases loaded. This is the D-Rays. We are going NOWHERE.

• I told the American reporter for the Japanese TV station that Matsui was gonna hit the game-winning home run, and that he was gonna be promoted to station manager.

• John at the bar became a quick friend of mine, he got me my drinks for free. The D-Rays bullpen was quick to be a joke and, before you knew it, the Yankees had hit four home runs and scored 13 runs in the eighth inning (play-by play). Yankee Stadium was a block away, but while we (and about 20 patrons) were this close to having gone to the game, no one regretted their decision. What a fun time.

• So anyway...

- The Yankees score 20 runs for Randy Johnson, and he doesn't get the win? WTF!?

- Randy has to come back Saturday against the Mets after only three innings Tuesday, sparing us another rookie start. I think that's why they took him out so early. Ineffectiveness notwithstanding, you don't take the Big Unit out after 60 or so pitches against Tampa Bay.

- Down one with men on second and third, Lou Piniella decided to intentionally walk Jason Giambi, a strikeout king and a pop-out king, with out out in the eighth. Thanks, Sweet Lou, always a true Yankee. Can't believe anyone walked that guy. Bernie Williams followed with a bases-claearing triple that he just destroyed.

- Derek Jeter is hitting .309, Gary Sheffield is hitting .313, Alex Rodriguez is hitting .323, Hideki Matsui is hitting .300, Jorge Posada is hitting .290. I'm digging it.

- The Yankees are now 4-1 on the homestand when I'm in the Stadium and 1-0 when I'm a block away. Bad luck charm no more, thank god.

Link Dump: NYC's All-You-Can-Drink Specials

We'll start with a few local public-service items for New Yorkers...

• NYC's All-You-Can-Drink Specials — New York magazine runs down some liver-killing options for every weeknight, from the Brother Jimmy's sports bar the Doc Holliday's country/dive joint to the Sounkyo Sushi restaurant.

• I Hope That's Not the Apartment That's for Rent — Aaron Donovan finds a couple of hilarious window signs warning against the next-door drug dealers and the old prostitute (with a cellulite ass) who throws drug parties in the basement ... for cops.

• New York Airfares Blog — Daily postings on the cheapest flights out of town and how to find them. I was able to get $99 each way to L.A. next month (Song), so that kinda rocks.

• Sex Tech Conquers Nasty Past — The U.S. Patent Office Sex Inventions exhibition at the Museum of Sex in New York shows how the use of technology evolved from limiting people's ability to have sex to now facilitating it. Here's why people who celebrate the olden days can choke on a fat one: "One contraption encircles the penis and attaches to the pubic hair with little clamps. If an erection occurs during the night, the clamps pull the hair, which wakes the wearer so he can make sure he doesn't ejaculate." (Thanks, Shumpy)

• Best Yet Market — I'll throw this e-grocer out there again, because it's offering $25 off your first order of $75 or more. So go get yourself a case of beer, a ton of paper towels, heavy detergents, etc. — you know, shit you don't want to carry home. I did, and the service was great.

• Max Delivery — Not available yet in my neighborhood, they promise same-day delivery in under an hour for DVDs, food, drugstore items, etc. First two deliveries are free.

• Murder Memorabilia on Auction in New York — Among about 2,000 pop-culture and sports-related items in this weeks Leland's auction are a handful of lots with morbid associations, like a hand-written note by Scott Peterson and and a piece of fence from the grassy knoll in Dallas when JFK was shot. That would be a good auction to attend just to get pics of the buyers and add them to some neighborhood watch list.

News:

• Digital Rock Reinvention — Trent Reznor is pioneering new digital music territory by releasing a song for fans to remix, for free. One of the reasons I'm linking to this is so you can check out how ridiculous small news items look on bloated sites. Check out how this three-paragraph story is surrounded by a million links and ads.

• Playboy Mansion Opening to Paying Public — But apparently not until Hef kicks the bucket. Hope they clean all the spooge stains first. (Thanks, Art)

• So You Wanna Book a Rock 'n' Roll Star? — Forbes on rich mo fo's booking high-profile acts to play at private functions. In 2004, steel tycoon Lakshmi Mittal spent 30 million pounds on his daughter Vanisha's wedding party, which included a 30-minute performance by Kylie Minogue. I gotta look into this steel business.

• Potato(e) Kid: 'I Coulda Been Somebody' — An article on fleeting fame catches up with William Figueroa, who got some bad spelling advice from Dan Quayle in 1992. Now a 25-year-old Wal-Mart department manager and father of two, Figueroa laments not making more of his time in the spotlight. What did he expect to capitalize on, spelling-bee groupies? You spelled a word on a blackboard, for god's sake.

• The Muppet Show Season 1 DVD Slated for Aug. 9 Release — All parents should buy their children this show to keep Muppet magic alive forever. Also, all parents should keep their future porn sluts and crack addicts away from me at restaurants and on planes. Thanks in advance.

• Saddam Insists He's Still Iraq President — Gotta love this lead paragraph: "Saddam Hussein loves Doritos, hates Froot Loops, admires President Reagan, thinks Clinton was 'OK' and considers both Presidents Bush 'no good.' He talks a lot, worries about germs and insists he is still president of Iraq." See, ya learn something new every day. I always thought it was spelled F-R-U-I-T Loops. Well, however you spell it, Saddam IS Froot Loops.

Things That Go Through My Head

When I meet new people, they always seem to care where I grew up, what I do for a living, where I went to college. Boring crap like that. I'd rather get their thoughts on these things:

• Anyone remember those AYDS diet candies? How long after AIDS was discovered did that company's bosses think, "Holy shit, we're done. Why couldn't they have called it the Deal-A-Meal virus?"

• Let me be clear: Jason Giambi did not make a "mistake" by taking steroids. A mistake doesn't leave you $120 million richer. And, yes, I would do 'roids for $120 million. Hell, I'd mix it with crack and shoot it in my eyeballs for half that. There's no way Giambi goes home to his $5 million or whatever bachelor pad after a night out, with three girls in tow, and thinks, "Damn, I should have never done steroids. What a mistake!"

• When Alex Rodriguez hits a home run and Yankees propagandist John Sterling exclaims, "It's an A-Bomb for A-Rod," do you think the team's Japanese fans are like, "Yeah, awesome home run call, man!"

• Speaking of, do any Yankees fans even like John Sterling?

• Do you think Sam Cassell has Internet access, or did he cancel his AOL account after coming across the 500th website that cited him as the ugliest player in sports?

• Why do people search for love on Internet dating sites, then go to dinner on a first date? Isn't the point of such sites to facilitate finding someone with common interests? How are you narrowing the gap by linking up with someone who eats?

• I didn't see a single bushback pitch in the women's softball college World Series, and I want answers.

• I was reading where Wal-Mart hires 600,000 new employees each year. How comes I've never met one? And shouldn't Playboy be doing a "Fresh Meat at Wal-Mart" spread like every month?

• I just watched a point in women's beach volleyball on TV. A lot of people in the crowd were banging ThunderStix. I think I'm now going to kill myself.

• I hate when news outlets report on serious race issues, and then use the term "the n-word." Makes me feel like I'm 5 years old. If someone called someone else a nigger, just write it, or say it. Jesus Christ, it's not like you're endorsing the use of racial slurs because you're reporting what someone said to someone else. It's not like we have a lot of "x-words" out there. Who's the news editor who invented that practice in an effort to save society?

• I'm all for preserving the memory of the dead, but isn't it time for tourist shops to stock more posters of NYC skylines without the Twin Towers than with the buildings intact?

• There's a gap to fill on the web, and I think you know what I'm talking about. We need a collection of stories like this Worst Bathroom Experience Ever. Every time I see people in line for stalls at Yankee Stadium I think, "This has to be the worst day of your life." Even I've never resorted to a stadium stall.

• When female athletes like Danica Patrick, Annika Sorenstam and Maria Sharapova make news outside the sports pages, how long does it take you to wonder if a Playboy spread will ever be a possibility? For me, it's about eight seconds.

• The NBA is threatening to lock out players July 1 if a new collective bargaining agreement isn't reached. David Stern has at least heard of the NHL, no?

• If Ricky Williams has a successful NFL comeback, shouldn't we allow Dave Wannstedt immunity to just beat the shit out of the guy for 15 minutes, as payback for ruining Wannstedt's head-coaching career in Miami?

• Considering Da Brat was all pissed that she had to share a Surreal Life 4 house with a "washed-up has-been" like Jane Wiedlin, I was wondering how it was she thought she'd been casted.

• If you're a bartender in Aruba, and you've done quite well for yourself romancing tourists — nothing shady, just cashing in on vacation flings — you've got to be pissed right now. You're rap is done.

Link o' the Week: Michael's Sketchy Sci-Fi Book Covers

I guess Fridays are turning into a regular link-dump around here, as I clean out the bookmarks before they get too old. Maybe next week I'll come through with some original writing I've been planning, like:

"There's a Right and Wrong Way to Karaoke"
"Balboni, Mass and Other Yankee Heroes Who Weren't"
"Softball and Me: A Love Story"
"Prank Items on the Web - A Roundup"

• Michael's Sketchy Sci-Fi Book Covers — If any of these are on your kid's summer-reading list, call the cops. Fast.

• Eddie Izzard Comedy Quotes — Never heard of this British dude before this week, but I dig some of this stuff:

"We stole countries with the cunning use of flags! Sail halfway around the world, stick a flag in. 'I claim India for Britain.' And they're going, 'You can't claim us. We live here! There's five hundred million of us.' 'Do you have a flag?' 'We don't need a flag, this is our country you bastard!'"

"The NRA says that, 'Guns don't kill people, people do.' But I think the gun helps. I just think just standing there going, 'Bang!' is not going to kill too many people, is it?"

• Bidding for Travel — A busy message board where users share their experiences and prices realized bidding for prices on air and hotel around the country. Deals a plenty if you have the patience.

• Video: Triumph the Dog Outside the Michael Jackson Trial — If this is new to you, I just want to thank you for making this site your only web visit this week.

• Brian's BitTorrent FAQ and Guide — A how-to on a file-sharing system that's increasing in popularity. No way do I have the patience for all this.

• Audio: Howard Stern Takes Offense at FHM Editor — Stern responds to a guy who says Beth O. was only in FHM because she dates Howard, and makes it seem like she didn't know that herself. (Thanks, Mike)

• Video: Fat Ass Breaks Glass on Copier — No way this thing's real, but it cracked me up. Trust me, 99.9999% of these hidden cam/surveillance videos are bullshit. (Thanks, Zuba)

• Tom Sizemore/Elizabeth Hurley Sex Tape Rumors — Hey man, after seeing that Chyna-X-Pac train-wreck, I'll settle for Tom Arnold/Elizabeth Taylor.

• Liz Phair Hi-Res See-Thru Mesh Top Pics — Are these real? How come I've never come across them in the supposed two years since they were taken? I hate being the last to know.

• Mashup Downloads — A collection of downloadable remixes that combine songs from different genres, like Snoop and Zeppelin, which I didn't like. Doesn't include the Encore-Numb remix, which I did. And 99 Problems is pretty kick-ass.

• Playboy's Sexiest Bartenders 2005 — Here's your chance to tell barmaids what they want to hear instead of the other way around. You might get rewarded with seeing 'em nekkid.

• Rotating Green Dot — A pretty cool optical illusion that'll take all of 15 seconds of your time. Or all day if you want to do it over and over. Let's be honest, I don't give a shit what you do with your time.

• Billboards We'd Like to See — Oh no, my friend Tracy, who makes her fighting debut Saturday night, is not gonna like this one on women's boxing. (Trace, don't forget what your opponent said about your mother! And Bruce!) My favorite: Circus comics. (Thanks, Shumpy)

• Video: Recruiting Company Parodies Paris Hilton Burger Commercial — If McDonald's is up to two billion sold, I bet this guy's responsible for about half of that.

• 10 Questions With Dane Cook — The guy's playing what what's gonna be a sold-out Madison Square Garden on Sept. 16. That's how big he is already. I guess it wasn't always like this, but ya gotta think every stand-up comedian has an eye on Hollywood. How else to get the Fuck You Money that Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock, Jerry Seinfeld and Jim Carrey got?

• 'Winnie Cooper' Layout in Stuff Magazine — More accurately, it's the girl who played Winnie Cooper on The Wonder Years, but if I told you it was Danica McKellar, would you know who the hell I was talking about?

Looking Forward to the House That Steinbrenner Builds

My dream of a new Yankee Stadium is finally coming true. Yes, I was always in favor of it.

Wednesday's announcement of an $800 million palace worthy of baseball's true royals means the inevitable end of something dear. The Stadium is a trusty friend, unchanging through thick and thin, a place filled with countless special memories. But so was my childhood bedroom, and I couldn't wait to get out of that joint.

When I had the opportunity to party like a maniac at Syracuse University for four unsupervised years, did I stay home and cling to existing memories or did I seek new and more exciting opportunities that would lead to even better memories, like power chugging and high-octane vomiting? It was a no-brainer, and so is the decision to build Yankee Stadium 2.0, for these reasons:

Spare me the ghosts of Babe and DiMaggio and all that crap. Lou Gehrig would never walk into the Stadium today and say, "Wow, looks the same." First, he's dead, and he can't walk. Second, so much of the place has changed.

It would be one thing if the dugout bench was exactly the same and you could sit where Babe farted, if the field dimensions were the same, if the defining facade had remained intact throughout. What are we preserving here, GPS coordinates?

Maybe you'd keep an otherwise outdated music hall around because Chopin played there, even though the stage, piano, curtain and seats were all changed. But not if you were limited to only music hall in the great city of New York.

We're not knocking down the Louvre to build a Dinky Donuts. We're not changing uniforms just for the sake of sales. We're building a tangibly better Yankee Stadium experience. I know, you wanna sit in the same section you did when you were 8 and going with your pop. Well, how 'bout allowing the millennium's newest sports fans a crack at starting their own memory scrapbook in an even better park? And not just aesthetically. There will be more parking, a renovated surrounding area, the ability to move around and take pics, widened concourses, new bathrooms to not take a dump in if my life depended on it, more concessions stands, seats closer to the field, etc.

The place is going to be amazing, built by HOK Sport + Venue + Event, the same folks who gave us the widely celebrated new stadiums in San Francisco and Pittsburgh. You think they're not gonna try to make this one the absolute best?

I hear the Mets are also in the running for a new stadium, built by Port-A-John.

We're bringing over the best aspects of Yankee Stadium: the Yankees and us fans. Talk about ghosts all you want, the stars of the show are baseball's rock-star team and the people who pay them. I'm not talking about Steinbrenner and Co. I'm talking about us. With baseball's economic climate being the way it is, our sport's fans have more impact on results than any in the pro game. Great fans also effect college recruitment and, of course, are a huge influence on won-loss records. How do colleges recruit? In part by having great facilities for the players, paid for by the fans. Well, we're gonna have one awesome facility for the players and us.

We're gonna rock that joint. We're the ones who have as much control as anyone in terms of making it the best Yankee Stadium possible.

Maybe we'll have a surrounding environment to speak of. Proximity aside, there's nothing redeeming about any of the current River Ave. pre- and post-game hangouts. You pay $7 for a 12 oz. Coors Light in sweatpits filled with total trash. It's like sitting in the bleachers, but without all the class. Maybe we'll have more options, some new joints, some competition that may knock down prices and force bar owners to actually give a shit about their customers.

You might even wanna spend an entire day in the shadow of Yankee Stadium. Dare to dream.

Quote of the Night: Yankees announcer Bobby Murcer, calling Jason Gimabi's titanic, upper-deck walk-off home run Wednesday: "High and fairly deep to right field..."

Today's Yankees Links:

• Verducci: Yankees Have Hitter More Useless Than Giambi — Womack's really been awful. Might have to start thinking of him as a full-time pinch-runner or hitter in a bunting situation.

• A Gentler Boss Riding Into the Sunset — Harvey Araton writes in the New York Times that "the blustery Boss who was twice suspended by baseball is replaced by this kinder, gentler George, bidding now to be remembered as the municipal benefactor who picked up the $800 million tab."

• Bringing Magic Across the Street — My old pal Bob Dittmeier pens a piece for MLB.com on his experiences at Yankee Stadium, a place he describes as such: "It is a functional baseball stadium perfect for a city that likes its baseball down and dirty. It's best fan-friendly attribute is not wide concourses, but the fact that the subway will leave you right at its doorstep. No tailgating, no TGIF. You go in, do your baseball, and get out."

NASCAR Fanny Packs for Everyone!

For your sports fix Wednesday, head on over to SportsByBrooks.com for a daily update I wrote, including:

• NASCAR fanny packs
• EA Sports' Arena Football video game
• Keith Olbermann back with ESPN
• Anniversary of Dan Quayle's spelling gaffe...

... and more. Ought to be more fun than trying to figure out how Michael Jackson is not in jail.

Photos: MTA Museum Annex & Times Square Food Festival

These will be the last photos you see from me for awhile, as a drunken friend introduced my new Canon SD500 to the floor at Brother Jimmy's. I'll have to send it to Canon's warranty ward — which will almost certainly deny a free repair — and it's reported that I'm "taking things well," meaning I haven't committed murder ... yet.

Anyway, here's a photo gallery of my Monday afternoon, spend walking through the Upper West Side, Midtown and Times Square to attend these happenings:

• New York Tansit Museum Gallery Annex: Last year I visited the New York City Transit Museum in Brooklyn, and it was totally worth the trip out to the country to learn about and see first-hand the evolution of perhaps the most famous mass transit system in the entire world.

Monday, I checked out the New York Transportation in Film exhibit at the NYT Museum Gallery Annex in Grand Central Station. A few artifacts were on display, mostly movie stills, but the highlight reels of classic scenes — and accompanying narratives about technological and logistical challenges, as well as societal influences and impacts — made for an engaging and educational look at how New York's mass transit system has been represented.

A lot of these scenes are part of movie history: Marilyn Monroe's dress being blown upward in The Seven-Year Itch, several police chases in The French Connection, Cary Grant avoiding the fuzz in North By Northwest. And it's interesting to see how the subway system served as a backdrop of commotion in the '50s and '60s, with the added element of danger in the '70s.

I had to laugh at a couple of parts: Woody Allen doing the see-no-evil, hear-no-evil thing in Bananas when an elderly lady was being beaten next to him on a subway (by Sylvester Stallone, nonetheless), and in Men in Black II, when Will Smith chastises New Yorkers for failing to heed to his warning of subway-eating aliens because they think they've seen it all and aren't impressed by anything.

The exhibit looks miniscule, but the three highlight reels runs about 30 minutes each. The only problem: no seats. Definitely check it next time you're able to wait till the next train at Grand Central. New York Transportation in Film runs through Oct. 30 and is open from 8 a.m. - 8 p.m. on weekdays and 10 a.m. - 6 p.m. on weekends.

• A Taste of Times Square: This was a one-day event, so I'll be brief, since there's no opportunity to visit till next year.

Anyway, a day after the BBQ Wait-in-Line Festival left town, several dozen local restaurants set up booths in the land of Red Lobster and Olive Garden to serve up everything from pasta to ceviche to cheesecake, purchased with tasting coupons not unlike my experience at the Montreal Beer Festival.

Prices varies by restaurant, so I saw plates of penne a la vodka for $2, $3 and $5. Half slices of pizza were $1. A cup of chili was $3. Bottled water was $1, you get the idea.

None of the stuff is gonna be written about in foodie circles anytime soon, but we're talking about mass-produced stuff that's gotta churn out for hours and not wilt in summer heat. That's why BBQ works so well.

But hey, at least there were no lines, and Planet Hollywood supplied that energetic John Travolta impersonator. Just part of the entertainment, along with bands of various cultures and a couple on stilts.

New York Links:

• Top 25 New York City Tours — If none of these work out for ya, ring me up and I'll give you a tour of NYC's dingiest bars.

So, What's Wrong With the Yankees?

It's a question I get asked by anyone I haven't seen for longer than six hours. "Hey, Paul, what's wrong with the Yankees?" I wish I knew.

A lot of people think the team was assembled foolishly, as if they're all at the tail end of 18-year deals, pushing age 50 and long removed from All-Star-level performances. That's simply not the case.

You can call Randy Johnson's signing a bad one, but wait two years to do it. Because they could have signed him for 100 years and it still wouldn't affect how you should regard the team's 7-6 record in his 13 starts in 2005: with mild shock. Yes, he's 41. But at 40 years and 50 weeks, he had this four-game stretch for the Diamondbacks last August: 32 IP, 15 hits, 4 ER, 54 Ks.

I want to cry.

Thirty-one year-old Hideki Matsui appeared to be baseball's biggest bargain, at $7 million, during the season's first week, when he was on everyone's short list of potential AL MVPs. He's hit one home run in the last 58 games, slugging .401 overall, far below A-Rod's .620. He's having one of the most disappointing seasons in all of baseball, but you can't blame that one on age or a bad contract. Maybe he needs to get a happy-ending massage.

Yes, Jason Giambi's deal is atrocious, but it wasn't in spring 2002. Not after what should have been his second straight MVP season. Not after the Yankees weakened what was a huge AL threat, the A's, who still had Hudson, Mulder, Zito, Tejada and Chavez. Not after Giambi hit .314 with 41 HR and 122 RBIs at age 31 in his first season in pinstripes. His precipitous decline is unprecedented. And if you show me proof that you saw it coming three years ago, I'll send ya a hundred bucks.

Pedro Martinez would have been a better signing than Carl Pavano and Jaret Wright, in retrospect, but you can't assume the same performance in another league, another clubhouse, another uniform, especially the Yankees. It's also been two months, not four years. And you can't have it both ways. You can't say that players on the Yankees have been declining because of age, then turn it around and argue that Pedro was going to be better at 33 than 32, when he had a 3.90 ERA for Boston in 2004, a big jump from previous years.

Alex Rodriguez has been great, except in the field. Derek Jeter, pretty good. Gary Sheffield, pretty good. Jorge Posada is on track for .286 AVG, 20 HR and 73 RBIs; pretty good. We need better than pretty good the rest of the way out.

Kevin Brown went 14-9 with a 2.39 ERA the season before we signed him, better in 2003 than Roger Clemens, better than Andy Pettitte. Mike Mussina is two years removed from 17-8, 3.40 ERA. Now he's Kenny Rogers, before Kenny Rogers starting pitching like Cy Young at age 36, after 4.50+ ERAs in four of his last five seasons, including 6.19 in 2001. How do you explain this stuff?

Contracts on the Yankees are relative. You can't call Jeter overpaid by mentioning defensive range without considering impact on team revenue. A-Rod hitting .320 with 40 HR and 120 RBIs is worth more to the Yankees than Todd Helton doing the same. It's called star power. Branding for the future. Whatever. So forget bad contracts. Do the Yankees have bad players?

If you think they have bad players — and if you claim to have thought this since before Opening Day — then try to imagine what you would have thought of Kansas City's chances in 2005 if you saw this offseason headline: "Royals Dip Into Pocket Book, Sign A-Rod, Big Unit, Jeter, Sheffield, Mariano, Matsui, Posada, Mussina, Pavano, Gordon, Womack, Brown and Giambi." You'd figure the team for better than .500, no?

So What's the Real Problem? I'm supposed to explain how a team can win 16 of 18 games, then follow it up by losing 11 of 14? I don't care who they beat or who they lost to. Those are significant showings of dominance and ineptitude — and unexplainable when coming in consecutive stretches.

Dare I say aura and mystique are working against them? See, there was a time when Notre Dame was so dominant in football that teams would look at those golden domes and put themselves in a 7-0 hole before kickoff. Now teams don't get spooked by Notre Dame. A few teams show you it's possible to bust 'em up, and you start getting ideas of your own. So I don't so much believe that certain teams or hitters or pitchers are in the Yankees' heads, so much as the Yankees are in their opponents' heads, as always, but no longer in a bad way.

Maybe teams are playing with more poise and confidence than usual when the Yankees come calling. The intimidation factor seems to be nil, and I guess only hardcore statistical analysis on errors, late-game walks and such can prove whether such a thing ever existed.

Is the Season Over? No way. I wouldn't bet even money on the Yankees making the playoffs, though. I just don't think there's a better than 50/50 chance of them having a better record than each of these teams:

a) Loser of Baltimore/Boston in AL East
b) Loser of Chicago/Minnesota in AL Central
c) Loser of LA/Texas in AL West
d) Surprise hot team from the field, if any

I'm not saying they can't do it. I'm saying that, from what I've seen for a couple of months — playing .484 ball 40% of the way through, with no major injuries (considering Chien-Ming Wang is probably better than Wright anyway) — that the Yankees are less than 50% likely to have a better record than each of whatever teams comprise a-d above. In other words, I expect them to be out of the playoffs.

2005 Team Profile So Far:

Batting: The Yankees are currently third in the majors with a .345 OBP, fifth in homers with 73, fifth in stolen bases with 42. You get on base, steal bases and knock 'em over the wall, you're supposed to be OK. But we're not OK.

Pitching: Team ERA is 4.54, 20th in the majors, a terrible standing, and the Yankees have given up 622 hits, third-most. They've also committed the sixth-most errors, 43. With Tom Gordon sporting a 2.70 ERA and Mariano "He's Done" Rivera at 1.19 (three earned runs in 22.2 innings), it's clear these games are being lost far too early.

Fielding: Abysmal.

Photos: Empire State Building

Snapped a few pics of the Empire State Building today, if you're interested. Get a good look at how I don't know how to use my new camera too well yet.

Happened to pass the Big Guy today walking home from the third-annual Barbecue Block Party, which was an absolute clusterfuck.

Last year, Gothamist rounded up the event with pics and tales of lines up to an hour long at the 10 booths offering such specialties as ribs and pulled pork from restaurants around the country. Disgruntled would-be carnivores lamented their experiences in the comments. This year, the website might as well type up a "Same Ol' Shit" headline, link to last year's recap and call it a day.

The food looked awesome. But since it didn't come wrapped in a $100 bill, I wasn't about to wait an hour to try it. Neither did the overwhelming majority of people I know who attended this thing.

Can't imagine anyone — even those who did eat after waiting like sheep — didn't come away thinking that it could have been planned a little, um, bigger. Pssst, this is New York, not New Haven.

(Later this week, I'll post some new NYC photos, as I've been inspired by this shot I took in Times Square to dedicate an evening to practicing night shooting.)

New York Links:

• Punch Drunk Photography — My photog friend Clay Enos writes a couple of consecutive posts on his blog about violence threatened against him by liquorheads. Interesting, because my most-recent jury duty experience involved a fight a guy started because a picture was taken of his sister on New Year's Eve. Now, there's NO WAY this fight would have ever started if the parties weren't drunk, so it was a ridiculous waste of public money. But I did learn that you don't have a legal leg to stand on if you physically harm someone for taking a picture or simply using words. Meaning, if you snap a picture of a drunken, fat pile of crap and then ask, "Hey, lard-ass, can you take a step back so I can fit all the beads of sweat on your forehead in the shot?" he doesn't have nearly the authority to physically respond that he might think he does. In fact, he has none.

• Best Yet Market — A new e-grocer opportunity for Manhattanites, you're entitled to $25 off your first order of at least $75. In other words, you can pay them $50 and they'll deliver $75 worth of beer to your door.

• SportsByBrooks Show at Overlook Lounge on Thursday, June 23 — Head on over to 44 Street between Second and Third Avenues after work Thursday, June 23 for Brooks' first trivia event on the East Coast. I'll be working as a photo staffer, so come on by for what should be a fun time.

Full-Scale Link Dump, Featuring the Cruiser

Time to clean out the saved links. Have a great weekend.

Web Finds:

• Free Katie! — On online campaign to rescue Katie Holmes from the clutches of psycho Scientologist Tom Cruise. The Defamer has a collection of recent Cruise news, each more uncomfortable than the next.

• Video: Dane Cook Does 'The Cruise' on Kimmell — One of my favorite comedians imitates Tom's train-wreck appearance on Oprah and knocks it out of the park. I give it my highest PK.com Guaranteed Laugh rating.

• I Love Foxes — These little boogers are so cute. Kids will love this.

• eBay: My Wife's '80s Prom Dress — Some dude poses in his wife's prom dress to raise money for his kids' swing set. It's like new, but with a few marks on the back of the dress. Not exactly the nicest thing to say about your wife, but who am I to judge? (Thanks, Cass)

• Drinking With Bob Rant: Russell Crowe — My favorite angry New Yorker goes to town on the motorcade supplied to Russell Crowe to see the judge after being arrested for tossing a phone at a hotel worker. How many potential computers for public school kids did we blow on that shit? Fucking insane.

• Play 20 Questions With Darth Vader — He got "baseball" in 17 questions, so give this guy credit. Next I'm gonna try "Yoda's shriveled penis." Remember when AFI ranked him No. 3 on a list of all-time movie villains? I wrote "No Way Hannibal Lecter Kicks Darth Vader's Ass."

• 'Add to the Picture' Joke — Students get called to the chalkboard to add something to a picture to make it a new picture. Till Little Johnny puts a mischievous end to that game. (Thanks, Shumpy)

• 141 Words for 'Drunk' — This is overseas slang, so forgive me if I never plan to say I'm "with the fairies."

Sports:

• Stepping Up to the (Softball) Plate — Writer Gene Wojciechowski does what a lot of major-leaguers have failed to do: get a hit off of Olympian Jennie Finch, who won 60 consecutive games at Arizona and went 15-0 for Team USA.

• Catch Aaron? Time Not Necessarily on A-Rod's Side — Jayson Stark argues that A-Rod reaching 755 isn't a foregone conclusion, which is fair enough. But he mentions that "Mickey Mantle started sliding precipitously at age 36." Yeah, and the guy DIED at 63. The sauce doesn't exactly keep you in for the long-haul, ya know?

• The Dark Ages of Pitching — Tom Verducci notices a 14-year gap, between 1948 and '61, when no Hall of Fame pitchers were born. Bert Blyleven (1951) and Jack Morris (1955) were the best of that bunch.

• Randy Moss Leads in Jersey Sales — Peyton Manning doesn't even rank in the top 25. First I thought whoever wants one already has one, but Tom Brady and Donovan McNabb were Nos. 3 and 4, respectively, and they've been with their teams for years, too. Odd, considering Manning does get a lot of press, even being based in Indy, and I think fans generally enjoy watching him play.

• 103-Year-Old Averages 129 in Bowling Tourney — When I'm 103, I just hope the worms taste good.

New York:

• Third Annual Big Apple Barbecue Block Party — Madison Ave. between 23 and 26 Streets this weekend. I'll be going Sunday, so holla if you wanna meet up. The New York Times has a piece on the state of BBQ in NYC.

• A Literally Map of Manhattan — A New York Times interactive feature on "where imaginary New Yorkers lived, worked, played, drank, walked and looked at ducks."

• Individual Co-Ed Softball Games — My friend Christan has a bunch of weekend field permits in Central Park and allows people to sign up individually for $20 a game, with some of the cost going to beer and wings afterward. The level of play ranges from very good to mildly atrocious, so no worries if you're not a superstar.

• New York Architecture: The Dakota — An interesting profile — including tons of pics — of the Upper West Side's most famous residence. Have you ever seen this 1890 "Skaing in Central Park" picture that features a stand-alone Dakota in the background? What a cool shot.

• New York City Photobloggers — A website dedicated to supporting the New York photoblogger and amateur photographer community. Links to online galleries, but also photo tips and events.

• AdoramaPix.com's Print Shop — A place to upload digital photos and order prints to be picked up on W. 18 Street. 8x10s are only $1.99 and I bet those 4x12 panoramas for 79 cents are quite cool. I gotta get the tripod out and work on a few of those.

• RockShow — The official promo: "A rock concert wrapped up in a play, RockShow explores a night in the life of New York rock band, Group Therapy. The band's relationship gets pushed to the limits as they teeter on the brink of success. In the vein of Hedwig and the Angry Inch & The Who's Tommy, RockShow is a shot of pure rock theater with an adrenaline chaser."

New York Times Goes All Digi-Cam on Yo Ass

This week, the New York Times featured a robust package on the digital-camera industry that's really revolutionized how life is documented and preserved. I'm all over it, and I think it's one of the greatest technological impacts on society in the last decade. That and cinnamon-flavored Crest toothpaste, which rocks my world.

Here's my take on each article:

• Blow-Up: Snapshot to Poster — As I mentioned in "What I Learned Buying a New Digital Camera," cramming all those megapixels up in this bitch means the opportunity to print your own posters is here. How cool is that? While expensive home printers can do you up a 13x19, the best option for posters is to upload your photo file to one of the many, many hosting services with print-purchasing options. My host, Fotki, sells 16x20 prints for $8.50 and 24x36 posters for $12. (Though I have those prices bumped $4 each if someone buys one of my shots. Not a huge mark-up, obviously.) Talk about a great gift for family members.

• Which Camera Does This Pro Use? It Depends on the Shot — Photojournalist David Burnett shares some advantages of digital — mostly instant feedback and ability to send shots across the globe in minutes — but sticks with his trusty analog models for most heavy-duty stuff.

• A Mundane Shot? If It's on a Photoblog, Someone's Interested — A look at some of the ways people share their pics online, including Guess Where NYC, a flickr project that has people guessing where around town photos were shot.

• Less Cursing, Better Pictures: 10 Suggestions — Ten habits of highly effective digital camera owners. Most of which are common sense.

• From Broken Bones to Decayed Buildings — How digital cameras are used in such industries as medicine and education. Only I can't figure out why these uses couldn't be implemented with old-school prints and a scanner. Except for the cost factor, which is obvious.

• Getting Schooled Beyond 'Say Cheese' — Where aspiring shutterbugs can find seminars and full-scale classes to get the most of their purchase.

• Photo Prints? Everyone Wants Your Business — With prices as low as 15 cents for 4x6 prints at Sam's Club and $1.99 for an 8x10 at Costco, the opportunities are endless, and affordable, with no risk of paying for prints you don't want.

• Tools for the New Darkroom — A rundown of Photoshop plug-ins — and separate software options — for optimizing sharpness, noise, color and exposure for your digital shots.

• Superzoom Review: Ugly, Bulky and They Get You Real Close — My buddy Wilson reviews relatively bulky digital cams that have as high as 12x digital zoom. (Most pocket cams have 3x.) Wilson writes: "only one superzoom went vroom-vroom in the end."

• Vacation Tips: What Your Camera Needs — Advice on where to get cheap back-ups for media storage and battery life.

• Fantasy Camp for the Pixilated — Tales from some weird-ass Fantasy Photo Tour, where shutterbugs are exposed to models in crazy costumes. What, we ran out of stuff to shoot already?

• Shooting in the RAW, Perfecting the Image — Setting your camera to shoot in RAW mode instead of JPEG does have its advantages. But you'd better know your way around some photo-editing software to bring them out.

Mexico's Dwarf Bullfighters Hit the Road

Now I know what Mexico president Vicente Fox meant when he said that his countrymen were willing to accept U.S. jobs that "not even blacks want."

At first I was thinking hockey coach, disgraced inside-trading CEO or president of the U2 fan club. But that was before I read about dwarf bullfighters in Mexico, who plan to take their show "all over" the United States.

The shrimps with giant balls use a "squeezy, plastic hammer" (is that what they're calling it these days?) to hit similarly vertically challenged bullocks, who are not harmed during the show. Except for their pride.

Other News Links:

• Porn Star Chloe Jones Passes Away — When someone dies at 29 and leaves behind an 8-year-old daughter and 7-year-old twin sons, I can't lower myself to making obvious, crude jokes. So nobody rub one out in her memory tonight, as I was going to suggest. Nor will I speculate that cause of death was drowning. Yeah, that kind.

• Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades — A friend recently pointed out this classic editorial in The Onion by a Gillete CEO who's all riled up after his bastard competitors went to four blades.

• Howard Dean: GOP "Pretty Much a White, Christian Party" — I prefer Mondo Porno parties myself. I'm sure the GOP is gonna be all like, "No, we're diverse." Which, of course it is, compared to the Augusta golf club. (Audio clip here: "I think this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em your Jewish. OK, fine.")

• How Do the Paparazzi Sell Their Pics? — Slate's introduction to the celebrity photo game. The knee-jerk reaction is to view these guys as vermin, but they act as agents of truth. If it weren't for them, we would still think that Britney Spears is hot.

• Secret TiVo Tips and Tweaks — I have a question. Why don't people record movies, Instant Classic sporting events and entire seasons of TV series, burn them onto DVDs and sell them below retail on eBay? Maybe they do. I have to admit ignorance here.

• If Watergate Happened Now — Jonathan Alter writes in Newsweek that the GOP controlling Congress would assure there were no hearings. He also says that FOX News' coverage would include a banner that reads, "Assault on the Presidency."

• Man With Chain Saw, Sword Is Let Into U.S. — Eh, it's not like he decapitated a 74-year-old man and stabbed to death his common-law wife. Wait, he did? (Thanks, Cass)

• Call It the PlayStation Porn-Able — "Will handheld porn on the go be acceptable? In some ways, it already is — the exec squeezed up next to you on the Tokyo subway is just as likely to be reading a sexually explicit comic book as he is a financial newspaper." And that's the best endorsement I've ever read for taking cabs in Tokyo.

• In the Future, Everyone Will be Hitler for 15 Minutes — Finally, someone collects all the news stories where someone called an adversary — whether it be Howard Dean, FOX News, Martha Stewart, Democrats or Republicans — the worst name in the book. Soon we'll have to call it "the H word."

Announcing the PK.com Western U.S. Tour

Monday I booked another bus tour with Contiki, a group travel agency for 18-to-35-olds, called the Wild Western, a two-week jaunt from July 19-August 1 through California, Arizona and Nevada, as well as a lunch stop in Tijuana, where I presume we'll pick up burritos and hopefully not the clap.

Wild Western tours in previous weeks were sold out, so there's promise of a fun bus packed 50 strong while we sweat our balls off in 100-degree heat.

As I wrote about in last year's European Magic tour review, Contiki's handling of the logistics is flawless. I know everyone says, "Go on your own. You can do whatever you want." But we're not tied to the group except when on the bus, and out of such a large clan, I'm sure I'll find at least a few people to party with. Plus, I can just roll out of bed in the morning and climb on transportation docked 10 feet outside a hotel I didn't have to book on my own. So suck it.

Anyway, here's where I'll be on specific dates. What I could use are tips from people who've been to these cities before, something better than "this place has awesome wings."

July 19 - Arrive in Anaheim: I've got all day/night pre-tour on my own. The Angels are in town, but the Yanks don't roll in for a couple more days. I think I'd rather check out some of the silicone exhibits around town.

July 20 - Lunch in Tijuana: I don't need any tips. I've already gotten the runs on three previous trips to Cancun and Puerto Vallarta. I swear Mexico's national flag should be made of toilet paper.

July 20 - Arrive in San Diego: After a earlier tour of S.D.'s downtown area — prior to Tijuana — we return to the land of the Yankees' 1998 World Series triumph. Contiki says: "we will have dinner in San Diego's lively Gaslamp Quarter." Gas, huh? Sounds like I'll fit in fine.

July 21 - San Diego at Leisure: I'm definitely hitting the San Diego Zoo for some pictures. Contiki will then take us to Mission Beach in the afternoon and some nightlife area after dinner. We don't have to do anything but be on the bus in the morning so we'll see. Maybe the people at Mission Beach will want me to stay and show them how I do 12-ounce curls to stay in shape.

July 22 - Arrive in Phoenix: After lunch we settle in at our hotel in Old Town Scottsdale, do whatever after that. I know nothing about the place. I have met women from Arizona State, though, and I've been throwing darts at a picture of my high school guidance counselor ever since.

July 23 - Arrive at the Grand Canyon: After taking a hot air balloon ride over Arizona's Sonoran Desert at sunrise (a term I'm not familiar with), we take a jeep ride in Sedona before arriving at the Grand Canyon. Can you party here? I have no idea.

July 24 - Grand Canyon at Leisure: Helicopter ride for sure. A ton of picture-taking for sure. Other than that, I don't know. Maybe break my ankle on a hike.

July 25 - Arrive in Las Vegas: We check out the Fremont Street Experience, then are on our own. I've been to Vegas twice, so I know what to expect: leaving with a lot less cash than I came in with.

July 26 - Las Vegas at Leisure: Whatever happens in Vegas... ah, shut up!

July 27 - Arrive at Bass Lake: Apparently, Bass Lake is "the gateway to Yosemite National Park" and our home base for a couple of nights. There had better be more to do than listen for crickets.

July 28 - Yosemite National Park From Bass Lake: Rock formations of El Capitan and Half Dome. Cycling. Hiking. Watersports. Cool, now where can I find a beer?

July 29 - Arrive in San Francisco: Optional dinner in Chinatown. Er, we already have one of those, probably with tougher gangs. If the Yankees keep playing like this, maybe I'll partake in one of the city's more popular activities: jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge.

July 30 - San Francisco at Leisure: Does Puck still live there? I wanna punch him in the face. Maybe I'll settle for asking Barry Bonds for an autograph by saying, "I'm hoping to sell it on eBay someday if you ever stop being a total prick."

July 31 - Arrive in Santa Barbara: Looks like some beach-y stuff before taking "the opportunity to experience Santa Barbara's nightlife." Yeah, I think I might try that.

August 1 - Arrive in Anaheim: Then back to NYC on a 10:40 p.m. red-eye flight. Not sure how much time I'm gonna have in L.A. this time around. Maybe only a few hours to say goodbye to the fellow Contiki tourists and have a we'll-never-see-each-other again bitch session that was among the most fun times last year in London.

Related Link:

• Contiki Traveler's 1999 Review and Pics of Wild Western Tour — These tours are pretty scripted, so I'm sure my schedule will be about the same. What people do with their free time, though, ranges quite a bit. I most certainly will sway toward the side of those who won't get a good night's sleep for two weeks.

Review: Montreal Beer Festival 2005

(Photos posted here: Includes me x infinity, sketches of a flaming Michael Jordan and a homeless Robert DeNiro, and plenty of unartistic shots of the festival and other parts of Montreal.)

Among the ways one could measure a city's fun potential is to calculate how far you'd be willing to drive just to spend two nights there. Montreal is a 750-mile round trip from NYC — about 14 hours of driving, including food breaks and border-crossing grillings — but it was well worth it for our party of seven.

We went primarily for the Montreal Beer Festival, which I attended last year (report | photos), an indoor/outdoor event for which visitors purchase tasting coupons and turn them in at individual booths.

Also for sale: souvenir mugs branded with everything from Stella Artois and Hoegaarden to, yes, Budweiser (and I saw some guy buy one; hard not to laugh) and snacks from frites with various mayo-based dips to deer jerky.

Knowing that my memory would be challenged by the boozefest, I carried around a pocket notebook. Here are some things I jotted down:

• At a New York rest stop, I saw a guy sporting a Steve Smith No. 8 Atltana Hawks jersey tucked into his pants. That brings the total number of Hawks jerseys I've ever seen to 1.

• Local bars pour liquor through those measuring devices that prevent bartenders from overpouring. Can we find the guy who invented that policy and fit him for cement shoes?

• Late Friday night, feelin' all Merle Haggard at the Downtown strip club, I wrote: "I wanna go home. My eyeballs hurt."

• This guy could have used Clark Griswold's French-to-English translator:

Man No. 1: "[French mumbo jumbo]"
Man No. 2: "Did he just say we could fuck her for $35."

• A booth at the beer festival sold these enormous hot-dog-looking sandwiches, easily challenging 12 inches. I thought they should have been called John Holmes Dogs. I also lost my appetite right after thinking that. They were so phallic that when I caught the eye of a young blonde woman about to wrap her lips around one, she just laughed, embarrassed.

• Best T-shirt seen: "Porn Star Instructor - First Lesson Free."

• A menu in both French and English included these delectable treats: "smocked turkey," "peperonni" and "pepperomi."

• Not that we asked for anything more than a strip club recommendation, but Freddie the cab driver offered his phone number and this offer: He would drive us somewhere outside of the city for $120 so we could have "the time of our lives." "You can fuck. You can get sucked," he said, for $130 and $100, respectively. I asked Freddie if the ugly ones were cheaper and he said they were. We didn't call.

• Not that we asked for anything more than a strip club recommendation (again), but our waiter at dinner Sunday night also suggested hookers, saying, "They come to your door, and if you're not happy, just ask for another one." Our waiter. Welcome to Montreal.

• Instead we went to L'axe, which, now that I'm looking for it, some people have posted about elsewhere online: This review site includes "Great leasbian [sic] scenes and I got laid with one of the strippers!!!" I can attest to the first. Another forum post mentions Lola from Brazil, who made a bit of coin from at least one of our party.

• More on L'Axe. You know you're not in an NYC strip club when: a) The waitress isn't bothering you, and you're actually getting thirsty, so you get up to go to the bar to buy a drink; b) there's no cover on Saturday night, but you have to tip the doorman a minimum of $2 Canadian ($1.60 American); c) Dances are so cheap ($10 Canadian; $8 American) that the better half of the girls are so busy that you almost have to stalk them to try to get a dance; d) Once in the private booth, the stripper reminds you it's OK to touch; e) One guy got his hands sprayed with disinfectant before a dance.

• L'Axe had two TVs. One showed hardcore porn, the other pro wrestling. These are the kinds of things that keep me up at night. Shouldn't every single decision in a place of business be made based on its effect on the bottom line? And if so, who determined that a mix of porn and pro wrestling was the absolute best combination? If, say, both TVs showed porn, would any of the customers be less horny and less apt to spend money? Would the wresting fans just bolt and hurt the bar's bottom line? Now you know why I'm the guy the stripper had to remind it's OK to touch, because I'm sitting in a strip club watching pro wrestling and writing in a pocket notebook about why this interests me so.

• You know one of your friends is a loud yapper when he's chastised by another in the party for not shutting up in an adjacent booth in the private-dance area.

• Of course, there's more to the city. Old Montreal is a great place to chill, shop and nurse a hangover. But did you want to read about that or strippers? Thought so.

As Kurt Angle Would Say: 'Free Donuts. It's True! It's True!'

On Friday, June 3, Krispy Kreme will be giving away free donuts on what has been known since 1938 as National Donut Day.

I'll be driving up to Montreal for their annual beer festival, but I'm gonna try to avoid rest stops featuring a Krispy Kreme because I don't want to go to jail. The reason being, if I see long lines of desperate ham-and-eggers sacrificing any more than five minutes of their lives just to get a 65-cent piece of sugar-coated dough, I'm gonna find myself a machine gun and blow away everyone in sight.

On that note, have a pleasant weekend. Hopefully some good pics from Montreal up Monday.

Today's Web Finds:

• Weekend Update at SportsByBrooks.com — I wrote it. Go read it. Includes Anna Benson's interview with the New Yorker, Mark Bellhorn's grade-school photos and two weapons of mass distraction much greater than Larry Brown's imminent departure from the Pistons.

• The Tirades of Tommy Lasorda — Remembering such classic moments from the grandfatherly Lasorda, including his famous reply to being asked what he thought of Dave Kingman's performace (3 home runs) against the Dodgers: "What's my opinion of Kingman's performance? What the fuck do you think is my opinion of it? I think it was fucking horseshit. Put that in I don't fucking ... Opinion of his performance? Jesus Christ, he beat us with three fucking home runs. What the fuck do you mean what is my opinion of his performance? How can you ask me a question like that?"

• Kurkjian: Jeter Is the Face of Baseball — ESPN's baseball scribe talks to a bunch of opponents and former teammates who wax poetic about Captain Intangibles.

• Osama vs. USA Game Sold in NYC — Some unbelievable shit, man, that people would have the stones to sell this stuff anywhere, but especially in the U.S. and especially in New York. But ya know what? We've got romance movies centered around Pearl Harbor and video games involving WWII and Vietman. At some point, everthing is for sale.

• Lohan Paparazzi Terror — The New York Post says a sleazy photog may have slammed into Lindsey's car on purpose in order to get some pics. Hopefully he was planing on the nipple slip variey. Anyway, one of these days I'm going to find out what exactly it is she did to become famous.

• Cliff Yablonki Is Back Hating People — A staple of PK.com links for years now, angry 'ol Cliff is back from prison to humiliate people found in random images on the web.

• Get a Free Credit Report — A program that allows you to get one free credit report on yourself each year. The entire country is ready now, except the Northeast U.S., which will be available this fall. (Thanks, Shumpy)

• Pics and Articles: Poker Champ Phil Helmuth at Wisconsin-Madison's All-Campus Texas Hold'em Series — This poker craze just can't be healthy for college kids. Then again, there's nothing inherently dangerous in a deck of cards. The danger lies in the chase for easy money, and I guess that's a trap in gambling, business, politics ... just about everything.

• 10 Years of Alertbox — Web usability guru Jakob Nielsen reflects on a decade of suggesting design/functionality improvements for the web. We're getting there, slowly but surely. As least you don't run into too many superfluous splash pages anymore. Jesus, those used to piss me off. Skip intro! Skip intro! Skip intro!

• The Essence of Douchebag — A picture of Michigan native Oliver (supposedly) committing about a crimes for anyone with a sack. Surprisingly, he doesn't look too much like Curt Schilling, who is not only the essence of douchebag, but pretty much the King Patriarch.

• Liberache T-Shirts: A Revolution in Rhinestones — Finally, a wardrobe add for fans of both Liberace and Che Guevara.

• How Mark Felt Became 'Deep Throat' — Bob Woodward's story in Thursday's Washington Post details his dealings with the FBI informant. An awesome piece, though maybe a little long for web reading.

Wait, I Thought This Was the Washington Deep Throat

I'm no politics junkie, but I'm lovin' this whole "Deep Throat" disclosure. Just hearing wooden news anchors use that term over and over — "Let's check in with Susan Montgomery to find out what she knows about Deep Throat" — pretty much makes my week.

But a 91-year-old man should not, under any circumstances, be referred to as Deep Throat. It's just wrong.

If anyone should have a permanent hold on that title