PaulKatcher.com

Link Dump to Help Speed Up the Short Work Week

• 100 Greatest Online Games — FHM's collection of time-wasters, including, No. 4: Spank the Booty. See if you can beat 548 m.p.h., bitches.

• Yo Mama Jokes For Bloggers — Maybe you have to have run a site for years to appreciate these, but I loved such snaps as "Your blog is like Martha Stewart during her trial for securities fraud: no comments," "Your blog is so badly written it got you your own column at the New York Press" and "Your blog is like the intensive care unit after 8 P.M.: no visitors."

• Video: Cutting In Line For Star Wars — Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla skip to the front of one of the earlier Star Wars releases. Kinda funny, but not nearly as good as that classic Triumph the Insult Comic Dog clip.

• Die, Nip Slip, Die — A Radar editorial says "the celebrity nipple slip is a trend that is ready to die." I agree. We're one step away from the Marion Ross nipple slip. Then again, I'd probably click on it.

• JigZone.com — Tons of online jigsaw puzzles for you to try to complete before the average time. Lots of stuff in the archies, plus the Puzzle of the Day.

• Lindsey Lohan's Britney Spears Impersonation — DeansPlanet.com has the photographic evidence of a bikini-clad Lohan taking a dive even more dramatic than Rodney's Triple Lindy.

• The Future of Television — Conan O'Brien pens a piece for Newsweek, claiming "Tough-talking TiVos will even confront viewers, saying, 'You've watched 40 straight hours of Sponge-Bob — get off the weed!'"

• Photos: Miss Hooters Canada 2004 — Your daily dose of T&A.

• Piano Chords Generator — Electronic keyboard hacks like me will want to keep this fingering aid handy. I'm being serious here.

• Google Search: Red-Eye Removal in Photoshop — There's no one-click Photoshop solution to the red-eye problems so prevalent in "friends forever" digital photos — including every single one of me — but here's a listing of tips you might want to try. About.com has an animated tutorial.

• Ring Tone Dancer — Videos of some nut in a superhero costume dancing a jig in public to mobile phone ring tones. How fucked up is the Internet when this stuff isn't even that crazy anymore?

• Toot-z-Pole Novelty Massager — A 5½ inch brown vibrator in a Tootsie Roll-looking package. Looks like I've cost myself $9.95 every time I've flushed the toilet.

Yanks Deliver Holiday Weekend of Batting Practice

Bullet points on the weekend series:

Friday: Yankees 6, Red Sux 3

• Was having lunch in a bar when some dude walked in offering two Loge (mezzanine) seats for face ($42 each). Figured we had a pretty good chance with Randy Johnson...

• Who was blah again. More walks (4) than strikeouts (3), only six innings pitched. The Big Unit's 5-3 with a 3.99 ERA — decent for pitchers not making $16 million a year. Yanks are 6-4 in the 10 games he's started, which translates to 97 wins over 162, so maybe it's not so bad.

• Gary Sheffield's three-run upper-deck home run to left field has to be one of the biggest crush-jobs I've ever seen live. I've witnessed maybe three land up there, and I don't think ever by a Yankee. That's our straight-up rollin' P-I-M-P.

• Dale Sveum will take some shit for getting two runners thrown out at home in consecutive at-bats, but he forced Tony Womack to make a perfect throw from an unfamiliar spot in left, and he ran Johnny Damon on rookie Robinson Cano's arm with two outs. That was an iffy decision, but not as bad as...

• Having lefty Alan Embree face Sheffield. There was a 99% chance of a ball being scaled somewhere.

• Nice job drawing seven walks from Tim Wakefield in five innings, but ya gotta get more than four hits off that junk. Then again, he is the pitcher we fared best against in three games.

• Starting my third beer in the fifth inning, the guy who sold me the tickets said, "Hey, Paul, you're hitting the bottle pretty good." Later he noted that the sky is blue.

Saturday: Red Sux 17, Yankees 1

• Thankfully, I missed most of this one, listening to the car radio up till 3-0, quick peek at the TV when it was 5-0, then nothing till I heard word of a 17-1 final with my belly bloated with beer and BBQ. That must have been a nightmare to attend but, having not been exposed to all those hits, which would have felt like 27 separate knife wounds, 17-1 wasn't worse than a close loss for these reasons:

1) In 2003 and 2004, we'd been no-hit by Houston and clobbered, 22-0, by Cleveland. Apart from inspiring week-long parties at ESPN.com, those embarrassing losses really had no long-term effects.

2) Without looking at a box score, I knew Joe Torre rested our best relievers for Sunday. (Which turned out to be a moot point.)

3) Teams usually don't follow up hit parades with another. Usually.

4) Get revenge on Sunday and nobody will care.

Sunday: Red Sux 7, Yankees 2

• Sat in Tier Reserved 3, nice view behind home plate, if closer to heaven than I ever expect to get when I'm dead.

• Mike Mussina's start was one of least-inspiring, least-effective stints I've ever seen. He labored for three innings, throwing 83 pitches and allowing nine baserunners, five earned runs and two home runs from David Ortiz that threatened the White House air space.

• When the Yankees tied the game at 2-2 in the first with solo shots from Derek Jeter and Sheffield — they just put a hurt on those line drives — the Stadium was up for grabs. Baseball crowds are usually a little ho-hum until the fifth or so. Not that night.

• We started Russ Johnson at first base in a nationally televised game against the Red Sox. And that's about the worst thing I could say about Jason Giambi.

Overall:

• I think it may have been my seat locations, good areas nestled among loyal season-ticket holders, but I there were hardly any Sux fans around me. I didn't notice any less in the Stadium overall, so I guess I was just lucky. I imagine things were pretty ugly in the stands Saturday afternoon, but it was pretty cool between the fans on Friday and Sunday, at least where I was at.

• Remember after four games when Hideki Matsui was hitting .438 with three home runs and everyone was talking him up as an MVP candidate? Well, he's hitting .260 now and is holding onto those three home runs for dear life. He's gone six straight games without an RBI. That .706 OPS sucks. But, for some reason, I still wouldn't mind him up in a big spot.

• Someone's gotta go back and research how we pitched to Ortiz the last time we got him out ... in 2002.

• We had 27 turns at bat and scored in four of them. That's horrible.

• God Bless America during the seventh inning stretch is pure comedy at this point. Everyone does their Ronan Tynan impersonation and it cracks me up. "Home, sweeeeeeeeeeet, hoooooooooooooooooooome!"

• Almost every Sux fan I saw at the Stadium was in his/her twenties. These are the fans who suffered for generations, right?

• Alex Rodriguez played kick-the-can with a couple of grounders, but it can't diminish my appreciation of this: .330 AVG, 17 HR, 49 RBI, .436 OBP, .659 SLG, 1.096 OPS.

• Interesting June schedule coming up, with potential patsies (Royals, Pirates, Devil Rays) mixed with some good clubs (Twins, Cardinals, White Sox, Orioles). I'd be up for another trip to Baltimore if anyone wants to play hooky for a game or two between June 27-29.

• Happy 33rd birthday today to Manny Ramirez. I hope his wish is for Curt Schilling to get his ankle stuck in a tree chipper, because that's mine.

Photos: Sux-Yanks Memorial Day Weekend Series

I went to the game Friday night and also going Sunday night. I'll do a wrap on the series Monday, including plenty of Manny Ramirez jokes. Maybe even some I haven't used 100 times.

Until then, here are some photos from Game 1. Also have a video of the final out as taken from my seat in the Loge at Section 19. Mariano, a whiff, then Frank. What more could you want? Except for Curt Schilling to fall down a flight of stairs.

Gotta Go to Mo ... and Brooks

For your sports fix, head on over to SportsByBrooks.com, where I wrote Friday's update. Some good stuff this time around, including Jerry Lawler quotes, nude video game volleyballers, Pat Williams holding his balls and me — yes, me — defending Manny Ramirez as a Hall of Famer.

I also have a bunch of pics from the Yankees' 4-3 win against the Tigers on Thursday night. If you haven't seen these same crappy shots a million times, you haven't been around here too long.

Stat of the Day: Keith Foulke, having allowed 17 earned runs in 22 innings this season, would have to pitch 73 consecutive scoreless innings to better Mariano Rivera's 1.53 ERA (3 earned runs in 17.2 innings). Rivera, as you may have heard in April, is shot.

Shout Out: To my buddy BassAleMan for representing the Big Apple and taking the crown at the latest SbB event in Santa Monica. You look skinnier than that Crawling Soldier you won.

If you're a New Yorker, start making plans for Brooks' NYC event on June 23. Don't even think of beating me in the trivia challenge.

And as We Welcome in the Sux: From the AL's leading MVP candidate Alex Rodriguez's shrink: "Losing is a disease..."

View Original Star Wars Movie Trailers

When it comes to the Star Wars series, I'm about as clueless as Manny Ramirez on the basepaths. I just don't know anything about it. I saw the first three (now the last three) once each. I remember Darth Vader was Luke's father. That's about it. Maybe I owned a plastic flying thing when I was 7. I'm not sure.

Spaceballs, on the other hand, I can pretty much recite, from "We ain't found shit!" to "I bet she gives great helmet" to ludicrous speed to the Schwartz to "Snotty beamed me twice last night -- it was wonderful" to Major Asshole to the 1-2-3-4-5 secret combination to "I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate" to Pizza the Hut and just plain Yogurt.

But if sci-fi ain't mixed with Mel Brooks jokes, I'm out.

While surfing around to get a Cliff's Notes version of what I was missing, I came across this large collection of original Star Wars trailers. Only the first three (fuck, last three; whatever) are represented, but it's a pretty cool sample of cinematic history. I watched them in succession. I still have no idea what the story is about.

The I went to Wikipedia's Star Wars entry, and I kinda get the gist now. There's good guys and bad guys and the bad guys take over the galaxy and some other good guys try to win it back. Right? Sounds to me like when the Wild Samoans were battling Tony Garea and Rick Martel for the WWF tag-team championship 25 years ago. If ya wanna make six movies out of that, be my guest.

Today's Web Finds:

• Drinking With Bob's Hilton Family Rant — One of my top five favorite people on the planet shares his thoughts on an upcoming "I Want to Be a Hilton" reality show, and has ideas for alternative titles, such as "I Want to Take a Carp on a Hilton."

• Wrestlers Help Churchgoers Grapple With Faith — Ted DiBiase, Road Warrior Animal, Greg "The Hammer" Valentine and other over-the-hill pro wrestlers mix their love of Jesus into storylines at independent shows. (Thanks, Brooks)

• MLB.com Sells Personalized Derek Jeter Autographed Balls for $600 — These are set up as Father's Day gifts. If I'd ever paid $600 for a man to scribble on a baseball, my dad would have kicked me out of the house.

• Blogebrity — I think this is an upcoming e-zine about bloggers, which are ranked among A-listers, B-listers and C-listers. Or maybe it's just a joke. I have no idea, really.

• Burt Reynolds Smacks CBS Reporter Who Hasn't Seen The Longest Yard — Hits him pretty good, too. Watch the video for the slap as well as the serious tone of the anchors. Funny shit. And, um, I've never seen that one, either.

• Crying While Eating — Pictures of people, well, crying while eating. Not what Al Gore envisioned, I'm sure, when he invented the Internet.

• Fair Enough — Some biting sketches of what scenes must be like at cigarette companies' marketing meetings, based on publicly available documents.

• Leftover Lunch — Images of disgustingly old plates of food. Makes Crying While Eating look like a worthwhile endeavor.

• Pat O'Brien Sound Board — "Let's fucking have sex!" and other classic clips.

• TIME Magazine's Top 100 Movies — When I heard this list was not gonna be ranked, I thought, "What's the point?" But it's a list, so right there it deserves to be linked.

• Image of Venice Drawn in MS Paint — Really cool work of art, though when compared to my similar photo taken in 2004, you'll see he gave the crusty buildings a shiny, new look.

• Yahoo! Music Unlimited — All-you-can download for just $5 a month. And, yes, you can transfer the songs to your portable device.

• The Great Flickr Tools Collection — Everything you wanted to know about what claims to be "the best online photo management and photo sharing application."

• Red Strips Beer Commercials — Hooray beer! I agree, but god those are some weird-ass commercials.

• Technorati vs Blogdigger — A comparison of two leading blog search engines.

Golf Sites Show Me Their Tips

Golf and I don't have the friendliest of relationships. For more than a decade, I've been tearing apart some of the worst public courses New York has to offer — chugging beers, eating scary-looking hot dogs and peeing on trees along the way.

But thanks to a substantial 2004 IRS refund — as a result of something I like to call "accounting magic" — I ordered a new set of Callaway Big Bertha irons that arrived Tuesday.

Following the advice of friends who've either heard about my play or have seen me endanger drivers on adjacent roadways, I looked into getting some lessons. The Golf Club at Chelsea Piers offers private lessons with its head pro for $175 per hour. That, obviously, is not going to work, as I'm not paying $175 for an hour of anything, let alone a guy showing me how to grip my shaft.

Thankfully, there are a wealth of websites offering tons of free golf tips. All that's left is to try to remember all 80,000 pieces of advice to master a game that bores the crap out of me after 9 holes. Considering I've had the patience to take maybe three practice putts ever, I have no shot.

• Tom's Golf Tips
Sample: Curing a Slice: "To get proper swing feel, pretend that an elastic cord connects your right elbow to your right hip and your left elbow to your left hip."

• FOX 61's Golf Tips
Sample: Complicated Putts: "Imagine that the green is covered with silvery dew. Your putt would leave a distinct track on its way to the cup. Just imagine that track to help you determine the route of your putt, and burn that track into your mind and even onto the green."

• PGA Professional Golf Tips
Sample: Putting Tips: "Make sure your weight is in the middle of your feet. If your weight is either forward on your toes or back on your heels there is an excellent chance that your stroke will follow the direction your weight is tilted rather than the target line."

• AskMen.com's Golf Secrets
Sample: Watch This Hook: "To increase your ability to turn back and through the ball, flare your feet between 15 and 30 degrees at address, depending on your flexibility. The less flexible you are, the more a flared back foot will allow you to turn behind the ball and then approach the target line from the inside on the downswing."

• WorldGolf.com's One Minute Golf Tips
Sample: Pause at the Top: "A directly beneficial improvement is to simply say "AND" when you feel the comfortable top of your personal swing. Make sure you get to the top in all full swings."

• The Detroit News' Golf Tips Archive
Sample: Lighten Grip to Cure Slice: "The tighter your grip, in either hand, the harder it is to get your clubface square at impact. Excessive grip pressure causes the clubface to be open at impact, resulting in a slice or a push."

• PGATour.com's Pro Tips Reliability Zone
Sample: Conquering the Long Chip Shot: "The biggest problem with this shot is, obviously, amateurs having their hands behind the ball, and the tendency being is, the clubhead's going to come through on the way up and make contact with the ball first."

• Golf Tips From Ken Venturi Golf Academy
Sample: A Sound Grip: "If we were to rank gripping the club from 1 to 10, 1 being very soft and 10 being a strangle hold on the club, 3-4 would be the optimum level of pressure. Many people hold the club too tightly not allowing their arms wrists and hands to swing freely."

• GolfTips.com
Sample: Keep Your Swing the Same: "Today's top players change their ball position only about 3 inches from driver to wedge to putter. This allows the swing to be nearly exactly the same with all clubs."

Review: Joe DiMaggio - The Hero's Life

When the sports memorabilia craze took off in the 1980s and legendary athletes became fixtures at paid autograph signings, it was often good policy for collectors to stay away from ones they most admired. It was just safer that way, emotionally.

Willie Mays, for example, is notorious for being unfriendly and careless at card shows, and a lot of people have come away feeling betrayed by a man they idolized for decades.

But Willie Mays could spit in the face of a 60-old man wearing a No. 24 New York Giants jersey and not explode a divide between myth and reality quite like Pulitzer Prize winner Richard Ben Cramer's 2000 biography Joe DiMaggio: The Hero's Life.

DiMaggio was not an elegant and enlightening man about town. He was an uninteresting, tight-wadded, paranoid emperor with no clothes, who reflected an aura of regality through gifted suits and the company of men who would give anything to be around him.

We always knew DiMaggio wasn't like the rest of us. That's nearly impossible when people will curry any favor, meet any demand, walk (or wait in) any line just to be close to one of the most perfect ballplayers to ever suit up. What we didn't know was that he was worse than us.

DiMaggio, as Cramer lays out, was a fairly lousy human being. A jealous wife-beater, a neglectful father, a cheapstake and a friend of known mobsters. His adoring public not only allowed him to be these things, they made him into what he was. They called themselves friends, yeah, but most everyone in his life were fans. They crumbled to every demand, paid upwards of $300 every time he scribbled his name on a baseball, hid mob money in his name as payment for just showing up at restaurants and clubs.

Just being around DiMaggio fulfilled people's lives, and this book is as much about them as it is about Joe. DiMaggio knew it, too, and that led to his voracious appetite to retain every available nickel his name generated for anyone. Why should they make a dollar off my name? was the creed by which he lived.

His obituary in the New York Times says, "he seemed to take the most pleasure in establishing a children's wing, called the Joe DiMaggio Children's Hospital, at Memorial Regional Hospital in Hollywood, Fla." Cramer states that he supported the place financially as much as you or I have, but that the hospital didn't mind because the name was helpful enough. That's what Joe D. really was, apparently. Just a big name.

Joe DiMaggio: The Hero's Life Links:

• N.Y. Times Book Review: Idol of Millions Yet a Bit of a Phantom

• Richard Ben Cramer Chat on CNN

• Transcript From PBS Documentary The Hero's Life

• DiMaggio Hall of Fame plaque

• CNN.com Review of the Book

• Pete Hamill's Review for the L.A. Times

• Allen Barra's Review for Salon

Are You Bungee Sexperienced?

I don't know how the hell I missed this one, but last week New York hosted its first Erotic Expo at the Hotel Pennsylvania across the street from Madison Square Garden.

According to this Reuters report, "a crowd of mainly young- to middle-aged men shuffled by the stations to ogle hard-core movie stars and sex accessories," while porn queens like Tiffany Mynx hawked such videos as Tales from the Crack and Weapons of Ass Destruction — both of which were nominated for Oscars, I believe.

One of the more popular products on display was the Bungee Sexperience (pictured), a "fully washable" bungee contraption that allows for weightless sex and promises to "put the bounce back in your sex life." The company's website — which boats "No more crushed limbs from your partner!" (who ya bangin', Jabba the Hutt?) — also offers "factory seconds," which are new bungees, but have slight imperfections.

Picture that for a moment: asking your super to drill a hole in your ceiling so you can install your "factory seconds."

Reuters also reports on Matters of Size, an explicit DVD exercise program designed to add inches to a penis.

The five-phase program demonstrates an elaborate series of stretches, twists and rotations in painstaking order, and how many "sets" of each drill is required over the months to achieve the proper end.

Trust me on this. If stretching, twisting and rotating was all it took, all males would have 10-foot dicks by the time they left high school.

Other News Links:

• Busty Babes to Deliver Food to Construction Workers — If you live in the Aspen area and have a set of cans, Toasty Chicks has a position for you.

• University to Offer Porn Class — The University of Iowa will be offering a fall class examining pornography in popular culture. The class holds 20 students and — wow, this is a shock — it's already full, with a growing waitlist.

• Daily News Scribe Braves World's Scariest Roller Coaster — Kingda Ka, the world's tallest and fastest roller coaster, debuts at Six Flags in new Jersey.

• Mexico Prez 'Regrets Interpretation' of Remark on Blacks — Vicente Fox's comment about Mexicans taking U.S. jobs that "not even" blacks want cracked me up. Not even George Bush could word something that so clumsily and end up insulting two races of people.

• Morgan Stanley to Pull Ads if Negative Stories Run — How 'bout buying more ads if negative stories run about competitors? That would be an awesome scandal.

• JibJab: This Bud Ad's for You — The JibJab guys will produce online entertainment for Budweiser.

My Week in Photos: Porn, Rock and Booze

A few weeks ago I told you about some things to do in New York this month: a Mondo Porno Party, a KISS expo and an NYCBP.com booze cruise. If you didn't take my advice, here's what you missed:

Mondo Porno Paty — A woman dressed as a clown hit me with a flying tube of lube, and that didn't even challenge for the top spot of most bizarre things I experienced. I also saw a topless female clown get "drowned" with fake urine, a transgendered drummer named Goddess Diana try to stow away "her" package, a woman win a Baby Jesus Butt Plug by putting it in her mouth, a woman destroy an erotic piñata, a guy get a two-second blow job on stage (I think, couldn't really see too well) and, yes, a goth dude with long painted fingernails in a tight dress go down on his girlfriend while she sat on a bar and posed for pictures. Elsewhere in New York, tourists drank overpriced beers in Times Square.

• Pictures from the Mondo Porno Party. Password is: mondo. I'm not your mother. Don't blame me if you see something you're not supposed to view.

NYC KISS Expo — I'm a huge KISS fan, so I always wanted to attend one of these conventions. It was like a sporting event, where almost everybody was wearing a t-shirt supporting the home team, in this case, KISS. And, yes, I had a silver-studded logo t-shirt on. Folks, you name the product, and KISS' name has been stamped on it. I saw KISS incense, KISS board games, KISS bowling balls, KISS condoms, KISS baseballs, KISS everything. My only purchase: a KISS Destroyer 500-piece jigsaw puzzle that I bought for $8. I had to split for a touch football game before any of the bands performed, so I'll just have to go back next year and pick up one of those KISS pool cues or Christmas tree ornaments.

• Pictures from the KISS expo. Nothing great, but you get a sense of the scene.

NYCBP.com Booze Cruise — I've been on this same boat maybe five or six times, and every one is a riot. Basically, you're trapped in a drinking environment for three hours, there's beautiful landmarks, bridges and skylines everywhere ... plus, the wild bartenders give some of these dudes the time of their lives. I had a blast again. The only talented photographer on board was my buddy Clay Enos, and it's always fun to try to capture a wild shot without his hand in the way. I'll let you know where and when his shots are posted, because they're gonna be 100 times better than mine.

• Pictures from the NYCBP.com booze cruise. New York scenery in the front; body shots in the back.

As always you can view all of my photos at this Fotki.com link. I don't always post here when I upload new photos — like when I add a few to my Miscellaneous NYC Photos folder — but you can keep this What's New link handy and check that from time to time.

Nicole Richie: The Most Annoying of the Sexiest

One of the newest collections on AmIAnnoying.com surveys public opinion on Maxim's 100 Sexiest Women list.

Profile pages, on which voting occurs, aren't available for 15 of the most bonerific broads, meaning that the remainder of the erection sets rank on an annoying scale somewhere between 1 (not annoying, like a 3-for-1 beer special in Cancun) to 85 (most annoying, like the first three days on the can after a trip to Cancun).

Coming in at 85, 2005's Ms. Most Annoying, Nicole Richie, whom Maxim ranked as the 37th sexiest woman alive. Which means Maxim has deemed only 36 women on the planet are sexier than Richie. Riiiight.

This should be turned into a game show titled "Name 37 People Sexier Than Nicole Richie." "I can do it in 52 seconds, Alex."

The five most annoying, with their Maxim rank in parentheses:

85. Nicole Richie (37)
84. Maggie Grace (27)
83. Sienna Miller (48)
82. Pamela Anderson (40)
81. Christina Aguilera (16)

The five least annoying:

1. Joanna Krupa (78)
2. Natassia Malthe (Lina Teal) (74)
3. Samaire Armstrong (55)
4. Lauren Bush (63)
5. Leila Arcieri (65)

For the record, I've heard of only three of those women: Richie, Anderson and Aguilera. Clearly, I'm slipping.

Missing entirely from Maxim's list: Britney Spears. From now on, her name on this site is Enron Spears.

Here are links to pics of all of Maxim's 100. Some go to Maxim photoshoots, some go to a Google images search. Either way, be sure to print out a bunch and leave 'em sitting in a printer at work with the name of a colleague you don't like on 'em.

• Not to be outdone, FHM also has a list of 100 Sexiest Women. Nice pic of Lindsay Lohan at No. 10, who's been seen around town doing a great impersonation of a walking, freckled skeleton.

Today's Web Finds:

(Hope they're not too old. Been holding a bunch for awhile now.)

• The Vitual Stripper — A la that Beer.com chick, you type in commands and she acts them out. "Plug a midget clown with a strap-on while eating a Pop Tart" doesn't work. I already tried it.

• 50 Fun Things to Do With Your iPod — Jason Kottke runs down a lot of extra uses besides complaining about battery life.

• A Gentleman Never Discloses Who Sucked Him Off — An op-ed in The Onion gives some advice on how a gentleman carries himself. For example:

"It should go without saying that, once he has arranged for a paid lady of the night to meet him at his home, a gentleman does not jerk off several times while awaiting her arrival, in order to 'get his money's worth.'"

• Stupid Saved By The Bell Character Profiles — A.C. Slater — Do yourself a favor and listen to the audio clips linked throughout the page. Holy lord, what a train wreck that show was.

• GoldenPalace.com Online Auctions — A long listing — with news, photos and videos — of ridiculous items this place has bought on eBay in recent times, including Evil Kermit, a Mystery Envelope and Pope Benny's car.

• IGN E3 Video Central — Tons of video game preview vids from a recent electronics show. (Thanks, Damien)

• Enron Spears and Kevin Federline's Letterman Top 10 — The nose-diving couple read out 10 reasons to check out their new show. Sure, no prob. Next time every other TV station blows up.

• News Photo Search: Star Wars — Wire images of some of the nuts in line to see the movie's premiere.

• The Best and Worst ISPs — PC World runs 'em down. God help you if you still use AOL. That's like paying someone to come to your house once a month to kick you in the nuts.

• Photos From Wisconsin Block Party Fight — Look at these bloodied up guys. You have to be retarded to not be able to survive a day-time drink-up without getting your head bashed in.

• Exhibitionists Pull for Thrills in Library — The lead in the Daily Northwestern says it all: "Two or three times a quarter, female Northwestern students studying at University Library, Evanston Public Library, Borders Books & Music or Barnes & Noble look up to see unknown men masturbating near them."

• Betty Crocker Unveiled — Turns out there was no Betty Crocker. It was all a scam. Next thing you're gonna tell me is that there's no Chuckie Cheese.

• Upper East Side Upskirting Camera Revealed — Someone hid a camera under a grate, but no one knows the website that may have broadcast images. Nobody say a word, OK?

Something Hockey Is Actually Good For: Goal Horns

Monday night I'm leaping off my seat to cheer Bernie Williams' late-inning, two-out, go-ahead grand slam (those hurt like a bitch, huh?) when I realized something was missing.

My apartment needs a Yankees Celebration Activation button, something loud enough to rattle the beer bottle caps in the trash.

After a little searching, I found this huge listing of downloadable hockey goal horns. Every vacationing team is represented. They're intended to be implemented into the ESPN NHL 2K5 video game, but you can just play 'em as regular MP3s, too.

So far, I'm endorsing the San Jose version.

(By the way, Mariano Rivera has given up all of 11 hits this year and sports a 1.98 ERA. Reports of his demise, well, you know the rest.)

The Legend of Polk High's No. 33

I have bad news, and I have good news.

The bad news is that I don't have anything new for you here today.

The good news I managed to work in Al Bundy's high school football career in both Tuesday's update of SportsByBrooks.com and my list of Top 10 Sports-Related TV Characters for ESPN.com Page 3.

I do, however, have a zillion things I wanna write about. Might have to go rapid-fire blog-post style to cram everything in here.

Link Dump: Whatever Happens in Vegas ... Ah, Shut Up!

Just a link dump to get something new up here, but check out my update Friday at SportsByBrooks.com for your sports fix.

I'll also have an awesome new Top 10 for ESPN.com Page 3 going up Monday (at least that's when it's due) so definitely check that after the weekend. Have a good one.

• Video Rant: Whatever Happens in Vegas... — A feature video on the NYC-based Drinking With Bob blog (via Gorilla Mask), this video says everything I ever felt about people who use that lame-ass Vegas tag. Put it this way: if Derek Jeter feeds me that "stays in Vegas" line, I believe it. If some schnook who gets out of the house two nights a week tries to mask that "crazy" time — like almost bumping into Joey Fatone's bodyguard — I just wanna wretch. I love this clip.

• eBay Item: Jennifer Wilbanks Runaway Bride Eye-Opening Eye Cream — So wrong, yet so funny.

• General Interesting Facts — Maine is the toothpick capital of the world, enough beer is poured every Saturday across America to fill the Orange Bowl, Toilet paper was invented in 1857, and other points of knowledge that will get you absolutely nowhere in life. Now answer me this: How did Andrew Jackson wipe his ass?

• The Original Condiment Packet Museum — Almost 900 "unique packets," including a special gallery of the new Taco Bell packets. Almost makes my ranking of ugliest First Ladies seem like time well spent.

• Newsweek: The Best U.S. High Schools — Mine in Pelham, N.Y., comes in at No. 365, but let's face it, the place hasn't been the same since I shot 2-for-2 for the basketball team as senior — obviously leading the nation in shooting percentage — which led to a letter from Ronald McDonald (which I wrote) congratulating me on making the McDonald's High School All-American team. I showed it to my coach, who had absolutely no sense of humor about it. In fact, I think he said two words to me all year: "Nice shot," after I scored my first basket of the year in what was like a 25-point loss. Obviously, he's been a huge influence on my life. (Found on SteveSilver.net)

• The 50 Worst Hair Styles of All Time — Here's what I don't get. How could John F. Kennedy have an affair with Marilyn Monroe and everyone knows about it, yet there's not a single hair stylist who will come out and say what the hell is sitting dead on Donald Trump's noggin? (Found on GiggleChick)

• The Case Files of the Fake Detective — I always enjoy these investigations of supposed nude celebrity photos. Now, I'm all for having niche hobbies, but if anyone introduced himself to me as someone who specializes in Photoshopping celebrity faces onto porn-star bodies, I'd run away faster than a Gotti boy rushes to a wifebeater sale.

• The Best Quotes From The Simpsons — From your favorite comedy source and mine, Right Wing News. But how can you beat stuff like this from Homer: "If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

• Tons of iPod Hacks — Remember, don't steal music. And only cross the street at the corners when it says "WALK."

• Stacy Keibler in Stuff — One of my all-time faves. Not Stuff, Stacy.

The 10 Ugliest First Ladies in History

Every now and then, I like taking a trip to one of the many, many NYC museums. No feeling is quite like the one you get when viewing amazing works of art and collections of historical artifacts. That feeling, of course, is that you've never really amounted to much, and you're hardly talented at anything.

Wednesday, I took a stroll over to the New York Historical Society on Central Park West between 76 and 77 Streets, where I got a big kick out of the First Ladies exhibit, honoring the 43 most powerful women in America who were neither actresses nor talk-show hosts.

One thing that caught my eye — besides this unbelievably corny Nancy Reagan-inspired Just Say No! board game — was how nasty looking a lot of these broads were.

Since they're all dead and can't defend themselves, I thought I would temporarily lift the ban on being too mean-spirited here and risk receiving hate mail from the descendants of the 10 Ugliest First Ladies in History.

No. 10: Sarah Polk
When you're asked, "What celebrity do you most resemble?" and you reply, "Mona Lisa," that is not good.

No. 9: Mamie Eisenhower
Her smile is kinda sweet, so I feel a little guilty pointing out that her hairstyle belongs on a 5-year-old, not a 50-year old.

No. 8: Florence Harding
There are times when the librarian look is kinda sexy. And there are other times when it gives me the dry heaves.

No. 7: Ida McKinley
Love the Road Warrior Hawk look.

No. 6: Caroline Harrison
Or, as I like to call her, "Alexander Hamilton in drag." At least we now know where Huey Lewis got his look from.

No. 5: Mary Lincoln
And all this time I thought John Wilkes Booth did a bad thing to Abe.

No. 4: Julia Grant
There is now no question that whips and chains have made their way into the White House. Punish me, Mistress Repellent!

No. 3: Abigail Fillmore
Fillmore, huh? How 'bout fill less? Looks like someone dumped a bowl of black squid ink linguini on her head.

No. 2: Eliza Johnson
I would not want to see her O face. In fact, I would not want to see her D face, her Z face, her C face...

No. 1: Eleanor Roosevelt
Let this be a warning to you people. Do NOT get polio.

I Finally Saw the Rolling Stones Before I Died. Or They Did.

Sometimes in New York, you have days when you have no plans till 6 p.m., then walk down the street and watch the Rolling Stones perform a free, outdoor show. Tuesday was one of those days.

Thanks to my buddy BassAleMan, I got word that the Stones were a few blocks away from my apartment at Lincoln Center to announce their new tour and to put on a mini-concert. Seemed like a pretty cool way to spend a bit of a sunny afternoon.

With a crowd of about 2,000 in attendance, I didn't get too close to the stage, but I have some nice photos of the surroundings.

The glorified press event began with the Stones' 963,294th performance of Start Me Up, which they have to just loooove playing at 1 p.m. in front of a ton of people who weren't even born when they were relevant rock rebels. I can't say I didn't laugh.

Next was a new song, Oh No, Not You Again, which, to be clear, they sang to the crowd, not the other way around.

The music portion of the event ended with Brown Sugar, an ode to former pro wrestler Sweet Brown Sugar, who was later better known as Koko B. Ware. (Remember that Frankie trading card I own? Is that shit funny or what? On the back it reads, "Frankie and Koko are great friends." I don't think I could ever read that and not crack up.)

Finally, the 60-something "rockers" fielded questions from the press, but not before I split for a chcken quesadilla at Harry's Burrito, because if there's anything more boring than a press conference, it's ... well, nothing is more boring than a press conference.

Rolling Stone posted its recap of the event, including dates for the tour that will kick off August 21 at some rat-infested baseball park in Boston.

Ticket prices will start at around $100 as concert promoters continue to basically beg me to steal music.

Other New York Links:

• RealHoboken.com — As much as it kills me to include anything Hoboken-related in a New York update, I have to throw some support to this newly launched site that will feature original columns and will soon be syndicating some stuff I publish here. Good luck to Joe Concha and Co.

• How to Live Large in Small Apartments — This Post feature has some tips for surviving in the shoebox. (The Post now requires free registration, BTW.)

• Who Needs Giacomo? Bet on the Fortune Cookie — An investigation as to how 110 Powerball participants got 5 of 6 numbers correct leads to a fortune-cookie factory in Long Island, Queens. This is why I think it's best to play numbers you know no one else is gonna pick, like 41-42-43-44-45-46. The odds are the same as any other combo. So why pick birthdays (31 or less) or jersey numbers of the local college team's starting lineup? There's a good chance gonna have to share, and if there's one thing I hate sharing, it's $100 million.

Buy Game-Used Yankees Items for Games Not Yet Played

Care to own a base to be used tomorrow night against the Mariners? That'll be $1,000.

How 'bout the dugout lineup card that Joe Torre (or lackey) will fill out on July 26 against the Twins? That's only $750.

Don't think you'll be lucky enough to catch a foul ball on August 28 against the Royals? You can order a game-used ball now for $200.

And that's where sports memorabilia is at these days. And I guess that's where the Yankees' money machine is at, too.

Earlier this year the Yankees and Steiner Sports announced a multi-year deal that would make such collectibles available through Steiner's Game-Used Pre-Order Program.

Amazingly, bases and lineup-cards are already sold out for the May 26 game against Detroit, July 23 against Tampa Freakin' Bay and couple of other dates.

Elsewhere on the site, you can buy infielder Fernando Seguignol's 2003 hat (price not listed), Kevin Brown's 2004 game-used Japan series jersey for $5,000 and Derek Jeter's 2002 road pants for $7,400.

All of this sounds a little ridiculous, but if they sell, then they sell. Do whatever you want. If you wanna drop five large to be the only person in New York with a Kevin Brown jersey of any kind, then be my guest.

I just have one question: Do the Yankees even bother to do laundry anymore?

If these items sell on the secondary market for more than they cost the team to purchase, then why bother paying for soap and labor? Just pick up these guys' unis after each game and supply a new one before the next. And just think about the income opportunity if they're all racing to change clothes between innings, like some kind of spring break contest.

I know one thing: I won't be buying. My game-used collection began and ended with a hideous, blue 1984 Jim Anderson (stats) Texas Rangers jersey (No. 14, I believe), which I picked up many, many years ago for $75, just so I could own something from the majors. Back then, they didn't do the one at-bat and done with a lot of this game-used stuff and maybe, just maybe, he wore it at Yankee Stadium and got swiped with a tag from Don Mattingly, the Greatest Living Ballplayer.

Other Sports Ruminations:

• Much more from me at SBB: Check out SportsByBrooks.com on Tuesday for an update I wrote for him. Lots of good links, including Tommy Lasorda's blog, results from NBC's "SteinieCams" at the Kentucky Derby, a fantasy league for pro wrestling, and P.J. Brown actually shows up in the NBA MVP vote tally.

Brooks will be hosting an event in NYC in late June, so stay tuned for those details.

• The Whiffmaster 25: I didn't even know it was possible to have a higher on-base percentage (.386) than slugging percentage (.325), especially from a guy who hit 82 home runs in his first two years as a Yankee, but that's where Jason Giambi is at these days. Through 27 games and 77 at-bats: 11 singles, 1 double, 3 home runs, 6 (six!!!) RBIs, 18 walks, 29 strikeouts and a .195 batting average.

In 1988, Mattingly had the same number of strikouts in 599 at-bats. Yogi Berra had more than 30 strikeouts in a season only three times in his career, never whiffing more than 38 times in a year. In 1941, Joe DiMaggio hit .357, had that 56-game hitting streak, belted 30 home runs and struck out an incredibly low 13 times. Thirteen!

Giambi is neck-and neck with Mark Bellhorn for Best Impersonation of a Little League Right Fielder in a Major League Lineup. Bellhorn is now hitting .233 in 93 at-bats, with 0 home runs, 7 RBIs and a mind-boggling 37 whiffs. Was Todd Walker really that bad?

• Who's the idiot who allowed some company to trademark the name "Juggs Gun" for something as boring as a device that measures the speed of pitches? That's like securing the domain name HugeMelons.com and then using the site to sell fruit. Totally irresponsible.

• Another seven scoreless innings for Roger Clemens on Monday night. Seven starts in 2005, exactly seven runs pitched in each, and he's given up six earned runs total (1.10 ERA) in those 49 innings. So this is what is was like for Sux fans when he left and just blew up the league in Toronto.

Today's Sports Links:

• Da Bronx Bombers — A new Yankees site that's popped up among the crop of MLBlogs.

• Dropping the Hammer — Same as above. Good luck to both of them.

• The Writers — A collaboration of original sports columns by some guys who would benefit from a web-design course, but the content looks decent.

• Downloadable Kingpin Quotes — Listen up, Anchorman fans. Now this was a movie with some can't-miss humor. That's what you need to have before finalizing a script. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go. There's a shit cloud coming! Run for your lives!

The Worst Logo of All Time

There is nothing quite as serene as an image of a Japanese temple in front of a rising, red sun.

Um, unless said imagine also resembles the Empire State Building being stuck up some fat, sunburned chick's ass.

Way to go there, Warhol-moto.

(Link now under construction after Western world took notice.)

Today's Other Web Finds:

• SheMuscle Blog — Billed as "a blog for fans of strong, muscular women" this well-done niche site made for a fun first visit. Included were a link to this picture of Rosie O'Donnell looking super-hot (as always), who is strong and muscular when compared to a sack of potatoes. Mashed potatoes.

• Spring Break 2004 Wet T-Shirt Contest Pictures — Thirty pages of photos, no ads, girls who look like they're actually in college. This is too good to be true. I'm waiting for some green slime to ooze out of my monitor or something.

• A Complete Waste of Time — A blog entry with a healthy list of free games to play online. Don't be shy about asking your boss for help if you get stuck on any of 'em.

• Adult Video News Porn Star Hall of Fame — I wonder if they release voting results, kinda like they do for baseball. Would love to see who was the Tom Seaver of the porn industry. Seaver, in 1992, received 425 votes on 430 ballots for an all-time high of 98.84%. Higher than Ruth, Cobb, Aaron, you name him. Ruth was left off of 11 out of 226 ballots in 1936, the first year of HOF voting. Must've had affairs with those writers' wives or something.

• Don't Press the Red Button — Just don't.

• Food Challenges Across America — Open the gallery half-way down the right side for images of a disgustingly huge 72 oz. steak, big-ass sundae and 29" pizzas that restaurants challenge you to finish. Oh wait, chili dogs? Now we're talkin'.

• World's Longest Single-Word Domain Name! — Eh, one of those sites you visit once for a laugh and never come back. But at least they're smart and got some ads on there. So, really, if you've got a great joke and a product to sell, setting up a goofy web page for next to nothing is a great way to advertise.

• I Fucked Ann Coulter in the Ass Really Hard — A blog you've probably heard about already, but in case you haven't.

• Inside the Waiter's Studio — Phat Phree says that "no matter what kind of restaurant you work in, there are certain archetypical figures who are as ubiquitous as toothpicks on the hostess' stand." Everyone, meet the Cocktail Wannabe and the Hostessluts. (Thanks, Mark)

Happy National Masturbation Day, Everyone!

Get out those old Playboys, stock up on paper towels, and do some day-trading with Vaseline stock.

But not just yet.

Because National Masturbation Day isn't till Saturday, May 7. Some say it can't come soon enough.

Call it whatever you want — the five-knuckle Olympics; hand-to-hand combat with the purple-helmeted warrior; jackin 'the beanstalk; making the bald guy puke; playing the stand-up organ; pumping your gas at self-service island; shooting without scoring; turning on the ivory faucet — all I know is I HAVE NEVER DONE THIS.

But I have heard of this act of self-gratification. When you break it down, it kinda makes sense:

Mastur- — of Latin origin, meaning "the area between your legs."

-Bation — of Greek origin, meaning "to shake vigorously, as if strangling a Kevin Brown doll."

Put 'em together and it sounds like fun. But, of course, I HAVE NEVER DONE THIS.

National Masturbation Day's roots extend as far back as 1995, when a San Francisco sex shop called Good Vibrations held an AIDS/HIV fundraiser that encouraged sponsors to donate money for every minute they spent masturbating on May 7.

Like, who's got that kind of money laying around?

Not that it would effect my bottom line at all, since I HAVE NEVER DONE THIS.

But that doesn't mean I have never thought about it. For example:

• Do priests get to masturbate? You can't exactly get the deed done without sinful thoughts or visual aids, right? It's not like you can watch Press Your Luck and think of rose gardens.

• Have you ever wondered what woman has inspired the most, uh, sessions in history? Could it be Marilyn Monroe, Shannon Tweed, Jenna Jameson, some totally hot ninth-grade English teacher in Southern California? Who, damnit?! I need to know!

• Ya know guys who die of asphyxiation while doing the John Hancock with some kind of technique that limits oxygen to the brain? Is that the worst way to go or what? I'd rather die of a Rikishi stinkface while wearing a Carrot Top comedy tour T-shirt and a pair of autographed Richard Simmons peenie shorts.

(I have also never farted in a crowded public space and dashed away. NEVER.)

Today's Other News Links:

• N.J. Beach Town Repeals 30-Year Speedo Ban — OK. OK. Just who was the guy who lobbied to have this thing overturned?

• Pa. Eatery Offers New 15-Pound Burger — The restaurants owner says it can feed a family of 10. That's 1½ pounds apiece. What family are we talking about, the Chunkmonsters?

• Ivy League Colleges Lead Boom in Student-Run Porn Magazines — Sounds nice, sure, but from what I hear about the ladies in New Haven, there's a reason they're called the Yale Bulldogs. (Link found on Fleshbot)

• Lightning Strikes Florida Man Twice — I guess you can look at this two ways. Either he's super-lucky, or god really wants this guy dead. (Thanks, Art)

• Wyoming Men Cited for Making Snow Phallus — How would you like to be defense attorney in this case? Going to law school for however many years so you can argue the merits of putting a Snow Wang in your front yard.

• By Accident or Design, Selling T-Shirts Is Big Business on Web — A Wall Street Journal article on the proliferation of sarcastic t-shirts available out there. I'm dying to find the one that features Che Guevara and says, "I have no idea who this is."

• 9th Annual Webby Award Winners — I'll tell this story again. Back in whenever — I guess it was 2001 — I drank for free at an Emporio Armani store as the Webby nominations were celebrated. Nominations! Sing it with me now: Those were the days.

• Wikipedia Is a Real-Life Hitchhiker's Guide: Huge, Nerdy, and Imprecise — Slate puts my favorite online encyclopedia under the knife.

PaulKatcher.com Celebrates Five Years of Existence

Five years ago, on May 4, 2000, I registered the domain name of PaulKatcher.com. Here's an FAQ about the site's history.

Early influencers: Merrill Lynch, J. Stile and the girl who had a nail hammered through her tit.

Merrill Lynch was my main account when I was a producer for the interactive department of J. Walter Thompson, the U.S.'s oldest advertising agency.

Being a project manager (baby-sitter) for an old-school financial client that wasn't 1/10th inspired by new media as I was meant a lot of Napster downloading and web surfing.

That's when I discovered the E/N (everything/nothing) genre of websites that gained such popularity at the time. The king, by far, was StileProject.com, the 2000 Webby Award winner for Weirdest site, a mish-mash of writing and multimedia that ranged from sarcastic and silly to sadistic and horrific. Homemade Jackass-type videos, pictures of naked chicks in pretzel formations, prank-call audio. This was ground-breaking stuff. I'm not even kidding.

One day I called over the girl with whom I shared an office to watch a close-up video of a nail being hammered through a woman's breast. I think she may have thrown up. But I was in love. Not with said Sprinkler Tit, but with the idea of presenting a bunch of goofy shit online and actually attracting a fan base from it.

(Today, StileProject.com is almost entirely a porn-affiliate sell-out. But a then-21-year-old Canadian named Jonathan Stile is responsible for a lot of the "wacky" web sites you find today.)

How did you start?

There was no such thing as Blogger or Movable Type back then. Everything was done by hand. Just a blank screen and my knowledge of HTML. I copied a lot of the E/N styles of the day, which was light type on a dark, moody background. Oh yes, I was bad-ass.

That was significant contrast to my more friendly Geocities site, launched around 1997, which was mostly Syracuse sports reports, softball and fantasy football league news, and some Howard Stern and Seinfeld audio links thrown in. I don't think anyone but my friends ever knew about that one.

How did people first find out about PK.com?

The same way people find out about anything online: by searching for pictures of naked women.

A few of my oldest posts included photo galleries of wet t-shirt contests and Mardi Gras flashers. They were the carrots before the horses. The search engines caught on. And so did the readers, one-by-one. There were times I was psyched to get 40 visits in a day, maybe 100. Now I'm disappointed to see less than 5,000 on a given day. You wouldn't know that from the number of comments, but we'll get to that.

But your site's not a porn site.

Nope, and it was never intended to be. I wanted to engage, interest, entertain and pass time. But guys can tease, too. Girls have known this for thousands of years.

You didn't mind having your real name associated with some of this stuff?

Yep, I did. Not soon after quitting JWT without a job lined up — again, this was 2000; I had to take the phone off the hook to avoid headhunters — I landed at TIME.com.

That was the company I wanted to be at. I always said I was the dumbest guy ever hired by TIME magazine. I often joke about graduating from the Harvard of Central New York (Syracuse University), but I was surrounded by grads from Princeton, Stanford, Northwestern and Duke.

But I knew the web. I had a role. And I didn't want to lose it. But I also didn't want to lose my avenue for creative freedom here. I didn't give a shit about Israeli-Palestinian relations nearly as much as I cared about celebrity bra sizes. So I took down the nudie-pics bait and made no mention about my site to coworkers for a couple of years.

I did, however, continue to post links to "The Weekly Ladies," some of the thousands (I would estimate) women promoting themselves as bikini models online. Couldn't imagine AOL-Time Warner wouldn't endorse that, considering the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is one of its champion franchises.

But I didn't work for SI or anything swimsuit-related. I was in the TIME magazine masthead. I had nightmares, constantly, that they would find my site and fire me. Looking back now, with the proliferation of personal sites and blogs, that may seem weird. Back then I thought it was a legit concern.

Till one time, I couldn't hold it any longer. Web practice back then was a lot more about predicting what might work than knowing what should work. I had a lot of suggestions, and a lot of those suggestions stemmed from practices I already used on PK.com. I told my supervisor, "Look, I know what I'm talking about. And here's why..."

Today, you might even find a PaulKatcher.com t-shirt in the offices of TIME, though I no longer work there, but not because of anything having to do with this site.

Has PK.com always looked like this?

Nope. In the beginning, it had that dark look. If anyone was a regular back then, you deserve a prize. I updated every few days at first.

In April 2001, I redesigned and committed to posting every Sunday night, which was always free for me.

In October 2002, I posted a farewell message of sorts, lamenting on how I would post weekly update after weekly update and not really hear from anyone. Feedback ... nil. I still posted links to bikini chicks to get those cheap hits, but I didn't want to serve that audience entirely. Traffic wasn't the only barometer for "success." I didn't want to exist to help guys whack off. I remember going to bed that night and being very sad. Fucking weird, huh?

It took less than three months to come back with the blog you see now — see original post. I came back with an edit plan that holds true to this day: a brief main "column" for those who like to read and related linked for those who like to surf. Best of both worlds, no?

Do you make money off this site?

The No. 1 question I've ever been asked.

Yes, I have Google AdSense coded into my archive pages. They bring in quite a bit more than it costs to run this site, which is next to nothing: $100/year for web hosting, $30/year for Fotki.com photo hosting.

With labor factored in, though, I make about 2 cents an hour. Obviously, profitability has never been my biggest concern. People think I'm crazy to not work on that. Maybe someday I will.

I have, however, landed some freelance writing gigs after people were impressed by what they read here. So you have to take everything into account.

And, while I have no proof, I would bet that applications for jobs have been rejected after HR pussies saw I had a personal website that dealt with more than how much I like/hate Starbucks. A search for my name in Google brings up 22,300 results. I'm sure there's something in there someone hasn't liked. I wouldn't want to work for those places anyway.

Have you gotten laid through this site?

The No. 2 question I've ever been asked.

Sure. Through this site, I've made a lot of new friends who I ordinarily would never have met.

But the same could hold true if I owned a hardware store. It's all relative. I don't think Howard Cunningham had as many girls send him pictures, though.

What have you learned?

So much about so many things, it could fill a book. Among the most important:

• I have a greater appreciation for artists, or as I like to think of them, people who create something out of nothing. Place your own value on my writings about Alyssa Milano, the Yankees and celebrity impersonators, thousands of people a day get a kick out of something I made out of a blank screen and my brain.

Don't dig it? Cool. I respect that. I'm not saving lives here, but neither is the Goodyear tire salesman who won't be able to sleep tonight because he's worried that Firestone is moving in on his turf.

• Most people are voyeurs. You wouldn't believe how many first-time e-mails I get from people who say, "I've been checking your site every day for two years and..." TWO FUCKING YEARS!?! How come I haven't heard from you before? The first few times I guess I thought that was weird. Now I just know it's how it goes. But don't be shy, people. I don't bite. That's Marv Albert.

• There are a lot of fucking assholes out there. So many spammers and tricksters out there on the web, it's downright depressing. The reason you have to register to comment here — the the reason the sheer number of comments per post has plummeted — is because spammers straight-up blasted open-comment systems with your typical bullshit URLs. Sad.

• But there are more cool people out there. Thankfully, my readers get it. Yeah, the occasional Yankees-hater spits from a 12th-story window every now and then, but for the most part you get it. I'm just clownin' here.

Hey, Paul. I'm starting a site. How should I go about getting traffic?

1. Submit your URL to the major search engines. They'll come crawling soon enough.

2. Make your pages search-friendly. Put keywords in your titles. Make your titles stand out. Instead of "What's This Girl Doing Now?" use "Hey, Britney Spears, Is Your Head Up Your Ass?"

3. T&A never hurts.

4. Post comments on blogs. Leave your URL. Site owners and comment readers will at least give you a peek. So make sure you...

5. Post good content.

6. Have patience.

What were some watershed moments in the history of the site?

• The first time a model e-mailed to thank me for linking to her. I'd sent her like 800 new visitors or something, and I understood that "Howard Stern phenomenon" where people will appreciate you lusting over their breasts so long as you give them enough publicity.

I don't have nearly that much reach, of course, but it's nice to be able to throw some visits towards people, events and causes I believe in, like the May 13 Mondo Porno Party in NYC.

• When I offered free t-shirts and had to close down requests after 24 hours. Why did I make up t-shirts? For two reasons. 1) I just kinda liked the idea of 150 or so people wearing a shirt with my name on it. Yes, narcissism plays a part in so many websites. 2) It was kind of a networking thing. You might have forgotten the name of the first girl you kissed, but you never forget someone who sent you a free shirt. (By the way, I have a few women's shirts left if anyone's interested.)

• When I was told a group of readers in Lawrence, Kansas, were toasting my 30th birthday. Some kids I'd never even met were celebrating my work? Rock on. Hope you guys remember more about the night than I do.

• When my dad passed away in 2003. I always looked at this site as an entertainment vehicle, or at least a way to engage. Some topics are serious, sure. Not too many. But PK.com has always been about readers. It was never just an open window to scream out of, where I didn't care if people read it or not. The night my father died, I needed to write something. In some ways I did it for him, as I knew he would at least have a testimony somewhere online. But I needed a place to write, too. Hard to put into words the feeling. Hard to describe any of those emotions, really.

I wrote that piece just hours after he died, after my mom, brother and I returned home from a dinner we couldn't eat. I never edited a piece so carefully in my life. I think I read and re-read it 50 times, crying over every pass-over.

I learned that night that sometimes I really do need this thing around.

What have you enjoyed most doing PK.com?

• Meeting people. Whether it be parties or events I've attended after promoting them, or setting up road trips or just meeting out-of-town readers for a drink, I get the most satisfaction when virtual relationships become real ones.

• Having an influence. Nothing gives me more satisfaction than when a webmaster cites me as an inspiration. The most successful of the disciples is, without question, Ryan Perry at GorillaMask.net. I root for him big-time, but he's the Junior to my Ken Griffey. He's long past needed my advice. Now don't go crashing into walls and ruining your career.

Isn't that a little self-important, thinking you're an "inspiration" by writing about Randy "Macho Man" Savage?

Only going by what people tell me, man. Like I said, this site's mostly bullshit, but it's 5,000-visits-a-day bullshit, and we kinda like it.

Gonna be around another five years?

Eh, we'll see.

To be honest, the site's really been a drag this year. The problem is that I know the key to a regular audience is to take the guesswork out of their surfing. For example, I have a new post up every weekday morning. No guesswork. I want to hold that audience, because I think it could help me down the line. But for what? I don't know. I'm rambling now.

In a perfect world, I'll find the future Mrs. PK.com sometime soon, maybe move my ass to Key West, open a little crafts shop or something, go back to regular weekday updates for shits and giggles, who knows.

Then again, who's better at making plans that never come through than me?

Anyone you want to thank?

The list is endless, man. So many people have helped make this site a joy for me to run.

First, all of you readers. All of you. If I didn't care about readers, I'd write in a diary. So let me know you're out there, huh?

And, individually, to the site owners who've lended their support. I'll never, ever get all of you, so apologies in advance:

Gorilla Mask — My absolute favorite site out there. Whatever I've ever wanted to do with this site he does 100 times better.

Tequila Dave — My buddy over there on the Upper East Side is one hysterical motherfucker. I'm not kidding. One of the best songs he wrote for Harpoontang is Doable Mommies. Good luck with the wedding, man!

New York City Bartenders and Patrons — My good buddy Kevin was rockin' NYCBP.com long before PK.com was even an idea. In some ways, I think the connections he made with his site influenced me to try to garner a local audience (which never really happened). He's been a huge supporter of mine. Next round's on me.

Shumpy — With a name like Shumpy... well, he's better than that.

Ken Goldstein's Blog — Actually, Ken's site sucks. Write something, for god's sake. But he's a good guy, funny as shit to down a beer with. Thanks for coming to Baltimore, man.

I Am a Slam Pig — Livia's posted regular comments since my blog format went up. And the way I look at it, that's being a real contributor to a part of the site that some people rather enjoy. Thanks, Liv.

Jadedgrrl — Smart cookie up there in the Great White North. Poker buff who'll kick your ass. If I had to bet, I'd say she's hot, too.

Gigglechick — If you're wearing a PK.com shirt, you're wearing Erin's work. She did the logo for a fee that would make a Chinese factory worker go on strike.

Karen Bischer — Hoboken's finest Yankees fan, she'd like to watch two every day. (As long as Kevin Brown's not pitching one of them.)

Living Reflections — I say Boone. She says Ortiz. If it weren't for our love of the Orange, we'd probably never get along. But we'll always have March 2003.

Certain Oddities — She misses her hockey, as do I. Like I miss Calculus homework.

Pat Stack — Love my co-worker's writing style. If I had to pick one blog that has a good chance to take off once it's been noticed, it's Pat's. (Hey, wasn't that the title of a horrible movie?)

RobertCat — Rob's got it goin' on, too. But he's facing a blogger's toughest challenge: pending law school. Good luck, man.

Stephanie Klein — If you like my site, then hers probably isn't your style. But don't let me stop ya. People are addicted to her stuff. And she's a good gal.

Steve Silver — Terrific style. Makes good points, is efficient with words, can mix in Donald Rumsfeld and Ko-Ko B. Ware in a single post. Love it.

Bitch Has Word — Being a mom leads to an irregular posting schedule, but she's got a sharp wit and some interesting thoughts.

Up for Anything — C.J. is another regular in the comments section. And because he attended the Harvard of Central New York, as well, he's a smart one.

Dan Back — The Sarasota, Fla., sports radio host has had me on a bunch of times to talk about the Yankees and other New York happenings. I always love being a guest and appreciate all the support. Check out his site for regular takes on the world of sports.

Aaron Gleeman — Hugely popular baseball blog with a focus on the Twins. Oh, AG, go national, brother, and really kick some ass. Juan Rincon and the 'roids can only take you so far!

Sports By Brooks — Sports and breasts are a winning combination in my book. A daily must-read for links and news that you won't find on SportsCenter.

Shannon Nowak — Beauty, brains and (shit) a husband.

Shaune Bagwell — Always been a righteous supporter and a very nice person to boot.

Lame King — Spooner's got a little of that E/N spunk left in him. Funny stories and pics that you'd have to be a loon to believe are real.

MurphGuide — My friend Sean's NYC bar/events site includes none of the overpromising bullshit you get from most promoters. He's a nice guy with good friends and connections, and he actually goes to the places he supports. Can't go wrong with that site. Plus, he's letting me play on his softball team.

Mandarin Design Blog — Longtime PK.com supporters, this site is a must-visit before you tweak any site code or styles. Smart, smart resources for anyone looking to implement a few quick improvements with color, typography or style.

gjWalberg — G. Joe planted the seed that led to a lot of supporters from the University of Kansas. His writings are heavy on politics and local affairs, but if he ever delivers pizzas again, you'll want to make sure to read about that.

Erocktica — My favorite band of naked musicians flanked by strippers. Rock on!

OK, Get Lost (For Today Only)

I spent a lot of time Monday link-searching and writing for SportsByBrooks.com, so check out that site Tuesday for:

• That national-anthem butcher who took a digger
• Madden NFL '06 video game preview
• Ridiculously priced A-Rod/Jeter dual-autographs
• Jeff Gordon and Yoda, a winning combination
• PEOPLE's most-beautiful sports stars
• The blown save that saved Enrique Wilson's life
• And much more...

Not sure when Brooks posts his daily update, but my stuff will be up all day Tuesday. Check it out.

Things to Do This Month in New York

Got a few local events I want to plug this month, so I might as well get 'em all out of the way at once. If you wanna meet up for any, just let me know.

Wednesday, May 4: PK.com Fifth Anniversary — This week marks five years since I registered my domain, and I'll do a roundup of the history of this site, early influences, lessons learned, greatest-hits posts, all-time favorite links, etc. Definitely check back mid-week for that.

Friday, May 13: Mondo Porno Party — Arlene's Grocery hosts this event, billed as "an evening of debauched rock, free smut and sexy stars." Two rooms of raunch, filthy rock, burlesque dancers, makeout music, circus sleaze, a lolli-cock lick-off contest and free porn (while it lasts). Only $10 with flier or printout.

So, whadda y'all think? Should I bring my camera?

• Pics from previous Mondo Porno at Arlene's Grocery.
• Review of previous Mondo Porno NYC event.

Saturday, May 14: 19th Annual New York KISS Expo — The KISS Army is alive and well at these conventions, and I can't wait to check it out at the Crowne Plaza Hotel in beautiful Secaucus, N.J. Tons of collectibles dealers will be hawking everything from KISS posters and shirts to Love Gun condoms, Gene Simmons underwear sets and the KISS-opoly board games. Plus, lots of special guests and live bands, including a couple of my faves, KISSNATION and ZO2.

• Buy tickets to the KISS Expo.

Thursday, May 19: NYCBP.com Booze Cruise — My buddy Kevin is hosting another intoxicating three-hour tour aboard the Half Moon, the site of that legendary 2003 cruise that seriously was one of the most fun times I've ever had. I look back on that day and think, "man, that was a blast" and "thank god I went on the Atkins diet a few months later." All aboard!

• Pics from previous NYCBP.com booze cruises.
• Buy booze cruise tickets.

Other New York Links:

• Free/Cheap Events Calendar in New York City — New Yorkled's suggested things to do as the weather gets a little nicer.

• New York's Most Eligible Bloggers — The Daily News rounds up some people you may want to stalk.

• NYC Street Fairs Schedule — Socks, zeppoli, used CDs. Rinse. Repeat.

• 'Soup Nazi' to Launch Takeout Chain — Before the famed Seinfeld episode, I used to work around the corner. I never patroned the place but co-workers couldn't tear themselves away. The show was apparently dead-on.