PaulKatcher.com

Be on the Lookout for This Blow-Up Doll

When you're not feeling well, it's always good to have a day where this site writes itself. Take, for example, this story:

MOSCOW (AFP) - A man in his 40s armed with a knife burst into a Moscow sex shop and threatened a clerk before making off with an life-size inflatable doll and some sexy lingerie.

The owner of the shop, located opposite Gorky park, estimated the value of the stolen goods at 300 euros (387 dollars).

A composite sketch was distributed to police and a search for the suspect was under way, RIA Novosti news agency said Thursday.

Now, there's a guy who needs to get laid.

Other News Links:

• Extra-Credit Burrito Leads to School Scare — Junior high school students locked in their classrooms. Adjacent streets closed down. All because of a 30-inch burrito. And that, my friends, is why we love states like New Mexico.

• Star Fakes it for Brad, Angelina — The rag-azine causes a controversy by splicing together separate photos for a cover intended to show Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie together on a beach. And here I thought this was the year the Star gets a Pulitzer.

• The Most Expensive ZIP Codes of 2005 — So, uh, any chicks from Atherton, Calif., out there? My Upper West Side zip code (10023) just makes the cut on the full list of top 150. Looks to me like just about all the zip codes are in California and New York, with a little New Jersey and Connecticut thrown in. All blue states, but maybe not those particular territories.

• Pentagon Releases Hundreds of Photos of Caskets — In response to a lawsuit, the Pentagon releases images of coffins from Iraq and Afghanistan lining the interiors of Air Force C-17 jets. The Pentagon says this "historical documentation" does not signify any lifting of the ban on media coverage of returning casualties.

• Indiana House Passes Daylight-Saving Time Bill — This subhead says it all: "Dramatic vote, cheering cap 3-decade fight; state will sync up with nation next April." Party safe there, Indiana. We want you alive when we fall back in September.

Beat My Score: Squares 2

My head feels like it's been held underwater for a couple of days. Must be god's payback for those Pope jokes.

So here goes another mail-it-in post, but a decent game to try your hand at: Squares 2.

The object is to move your black square around to collect other black squares (and black circle power-ups) before hitting a red object.

The score to beat is: 17,236.

(Also posted a few new pics in my Miscellaneous NYC Photos album, but much of the album has existed for some time. Just working out the new Canon SD500.)

Packers Tickets or Jail, Plus Other Dilemmas

Where else but at the Winnebago County Circuit Court in Wisconsin could a 59-year-old woman, guilty of $3,000 in theft, be given the choice of serving 90 days in jail or giving up her three-game Gold season-ticket package to Green Bay Packers games this season.

The 12 measly tickets would be donated to the righteous Make-A-Wish Foundation, and so the fact that this decision is even being mulled is a crime enough. Since this one is a clear no-brainer, I've decided to cull the Internet for some more debatable "Would Your Rather?" dilemmas.

WOULD YOU RATHER not be able to read OR not be able to speak?
I'm going with not being able to read. First, it worked for Dexter Manley all those years. Second, I'd still be able to e-mail and IM, because I'd have the computer speak back what's been written to me. Third, maybe the good folks at Black Enterprise would finally stop sending me their magazine. Fourth, girls think I'm weird enough without hitting on them with a pen and napkin.

WOULD YOU RATHER lick someone head to toe who hasn't showered in two years (meaning privates, too) OR have sex with a tree in front of everyone you know?
Get some popcorn, boys. I'll give that tree the best three minutes of its life.

WOULD YOU RATHER bang the ugliest chick you ever knew and have no one know about it OR not and have everyone think you did?
Ugh, and I think I know just the person. I'd need about four Viagras and a keg of beer, but I'd go with not being known as "that guy," even though, of course, I would be. I'd hold that secret stronger than O.J. on the 12th tee.

WOULD YOU RATHER scratch your ass in public OR fart in public?
You mean today?

WOULD YOU RATHER be able to fly OR have the ability to read people's minds?
It's not that I don't want to know what murderous thoughts are going through their minds of postal workers, DMV employees, driving instructors and fast-food managers. It's just that I don't care.

(Thanks, Phillip, for the news link.)

Today's Web Finds:

• Free Music Downloads at Amazon.com — Top top 200 are listed, including tracks from Moby, Beck and The Strokes. And you what Triumph the Insult Comic Dog says about The Strokes: (Now look how frickin' cool the guys from The Strokes are/Their riffs are three times as old as my jokes are.)

• Fall 2004 Archery Whitetail Hunt — A hunting tale and photos so foreign to this city boy: "The buck saw the arrow coming, and flinched right before the arrow struck him. I had hit him high, so I waited it out for about an hour before I started trailing him. Once I got on the blood trail, I figured for sure I was going to find him because there was blood everywhere. I trailed him 1/4 of a mile and then the blood stopped. I searched for hours in every direction where the blood had stopped."

• Big Boxers of Brooklyn — Boxer shorts and robes for those with a whole lotta cushion for the pushin'. (Thanks, Gigglechick)

• Simpsons MP3 Downloads — Mr. Plow, that's my name. That name again is Mr. Plow! Go get 'em now before FOX's lawyers do.

• Uncyclopedia — A riff on Wikipedia which describes itself as "the free encyclopedia of politically incorrect non-information." Check out this entry for Playboy: "Playboy is a magazine best known for its insightful articles, thought-provoking interviews, and quality literature. That's the only reason men read it."

• What Is Your Wrestling Alter Ego? — Mine is John Cena, and I might know more about his image other than the obvious (urban trash) if I didn't stop watching wrestling when The Rock went Hollywood.

• The Best of Photojournalism 2005 — Link goes to a quick write-up at Yahoo! Picks.

• Who Is The Hotter Daisy Duke? — Comparison pics of Catherine Bach on TV and Jessica Simpson in the upcoming movie. I vote old school here. Nobody that dumb could ever be considered hot.

• Weapons of Ass Destruction 3 — A funny porn title mentioned on the Howard Stern TV show this week, when he showed clips of acceptance speeches at the AVN awards show. The best part was when an award winner thanked her mom. Howard said she's just been giving an award for taking it by as many guys as possible and Robin asked, "Is there any mother in the crowd right now saying, 'Yep, that's my girl?"'"

• eBay: Life-Size Star Wars X-Wing Fighter — For $85,000, these guys are better off buying themselves a life-size girlfriend.

• Net Disaster — Type in any site's URL and watch it get wrecked (visually) in a number of ways.

There's a New One Man Gang in Town: A-Rod

That should shut people up for a while. Including me.

Professional wrestling had its One Man Gang, and now Yankees fans have theirs. Alex Rodriguez's three home runs and 10 RBIs Tuesday night was the greatest single-game hitting performance I've ever seen. (No, I don't watch Cardinals games played by Mark Whitten.)

Random thoughts:

• A-Rod had three dingers and nine RBIs by the fourth inning. Sick.

• All of those nine RBIs came with two outs. Sick.

• He had 10 RBIs in a 12-4 win. Without him, the Bombers very well could have lost a game they otherwise won by eight runs. Sick.

• Watching the game at The Gin Mill, I booed A-Rod after lining out to center field in the eighth inning, just for laughs. But I really wish I was at the Stadium to give him a standing O. In fact, I said after the fourth-inning home run that there was still time to subway up to the Bronx for the final two at-bats.

• A-Rod is now tied for the major-league lead with seven home runs and is second in the bigs with 25 RBIs. Over 162 games, he's on track for 146 runs scored, 203 RBIs, 57 home runs, 16 stolen bases and a .310 average. Alex, relax, you can ball.

• I don't know how Jason Giambi does it, but he now has a .408 OBP with a .224 average. Thirteen hits with as many walks, if you're counting at home. By comparison, Mets shortstop Jose Reyes has a .270 batting average and a .270 on-base percentage, thanks to zero walks. Sixteen strikeouts, 0 walks and a .697 OPS? Yeesh.

• In consecutive games, Randy Johnson and A-Rod went out and punched the opposition in the mouth. Simply carried the damn team on their backs. Long season, fellas, but wow.

• View videos of A-Rod's bombs linked from this page.

• 151-11? Still a possibility.

Today's Sports Links:

• Ten Things I Didn't Know Last Week — Terrific statistical analysis and links from The Hardball Times, including a an ESPN.com study of originating teams of every player on an Opening Day roster.

• Baseball Needs Cleaned-Up Hitters — An op-ed in the L.A. Times by Hall of Famer Dave Winfield, who needed steroids like Hugh Hefner needed hookers.

• Sample Questions From the Wonderlic Assessment Test — If it's good enough for NFL Draft prospects, it's good enough for you. I got 14/15, but I kinda quit before I was sure of one mathematical question, just 'cause I was done with tests 11 years ago and don't plan to go back. Here's a list of Wonderlic scores by past and present quarterbacks. Donovan McNabb's low scores shocked the hell out of me, because he's supposed to be a smart guy off the field, as well as on. (Links found on SI.com's Whitaker Lang's blog, which is almost unreadable because of the knockout type. When are you designers and producers gonna learn? Anything other than dark text on a light background for columns is plain dumb.)

• Cowboys Draft Pick Has 'Good Hip Flexibility' and Is "A Little Stiff in His Hips' — Straight from Dallas' official site, some conflicting Positives and Negatives on last week's sixth-round pick. (Thanks, Dave)

The Friday Five ... On Tuesday

I spent enough time on the computer yesterday searching for sports links and writing today's update on SportsByBrooks.com, so I'm mailing this one in with 10-minute answers to random questions found on The Friday Five.

Here goes...

Who is your favorite all time band/singer?
Bruce Springsteen. Countless millions of American teens have picked up a guitar and dreamed of rocking the world. But he did it best.

Can you recommend a good song or CD that everyone should listen to?
Yeah, if you haven't laughed yet today, relive Carl Lewis' national anthem sung in 1993 before a Bulls-Nets game.

What is the best remedy for the common cold?
To shut the fuck up and deal.

What book have you read that you absolutely hated?
Half Asleep in Frog Pajamas by Tom Robbins, recommended by a gal I shared an office with. I got nothing out of it, then I remembered women watch soap operas, too.

What was your favorite toy as a child?
Intellivision. I wrote about this before.

If you had the chance to learn when you were going to die, would you take it?
No, because then I'd be really scared to go on that doomed sky-dive that sounded like so much fun on the brochure.

If there's any goal you haven't accomplished yet, what is it and what is stopping you?
Me, that's what stopping me. That would be my answer for everything, every time.

(Wow, that was the most boring post ever. But I needed a break.)

I Hope the New Pope Likes Horny Teen Sluts

Maybe the Catholic Church isn't far behind the times, after all. It turns out Pope Benedict XVI has an e-mail address, and I hope he knows what he's in for ... a shitload of spam.

That's right. Since us ham 'n' eggers (commoners who aren't all buddy-buddy with god almighty) wake up to inboxes filled with such subject lines as "Need a Bigger Dick?" "Horny Teen Sluts Just for You" and "Refinance Your Morgage Now, You Small-Dicked, Teen-Slut Lover" then you can imagine what's in store for benedictxvi@vatican.va.

I can also only wonder how anyone could possibly think that anything sent to that address will ever be read by the Pope. And you know some of his most loyal followers and harshest critics will spend an insane amount of time and energy crafting e-mails to him. What loons.

That's why I like to keep my e-mails to the Pope very brief.

Dear Pope Benedict XVI,

Your eggs are heavenly.

Paul

Dear Pope Benedict XVI,

Please pass along this message from me to god:

Nice job on the tsunami.

Paul

Dear Pope Benedict XVI,

Even though I forget which kind of superpowers you're supposed to have, I still rank you ahead of Batman and just below Superman.

Paul

(Thanks to my buddy Tequila Dave for the link. Check out his "St. Maarten 2004" slideshow, located atop his photos page, for some funny takes on French smokers, local kids at nap time, and the abundance of chunkmonsters set free by the Queen Mary 2.)

Today's News Links:

• Free iPod — Um, Not Really — A San Francisco Examiner article pulls back the curtain on a shifty Florida-based operation that promises something for nothing, which, last I checked, has been to good to be true for the entire history of mankind.

• Wisconsin Man in 11th Year of College — Twenty-eight-year-old Johnny Lechner is known by 80% of the UW-Whitewater student body and, according to one 20-year-old chickie, all the girls want him. Which reminds me, I could always go back to Syracuse and try to improve on than A- in Cooking.

• First Convicted Spammer Gets 9 Years — Good. Fucking vermin.

• Why Google Is Like Wal-Mart — Wired compares the heavyweights. My favorite Wal-Mart reference comes in the lyrics to Triumph the Insult Comic Dog's I Keed:

Now let's go to Wal-mart where they won't sell my CD
That company's nuts are in a jar in Aisle Three
But you can see Christina in all her sluthood
It's like watching porn, but the music's not as good

• Photos: Penguins Go Trough Airport Security — They don't like the metal wand between the crotch either.

• The Hayseed vs. Hillary — Small-town lawyer Bill Brenner, who has aspirations of unseating Mrs. Clinton in the Senate, becomes the first of my friends' dads to make the cover of The Village Voice (image). Always nice to have your picture on the front of that paper instead of in the back with all the transvestite hookers. (Also see Bill's campaign website.)

What I Learned Buying a New Digital Camera

Tax Day turned out to be lottery day, and so I'm on a bit of a shopping spree this time of year. First up is a replacement for my 2½-year-old Canon S30. An upgrade from a 3.2 megapixel camera won't mean much to you, but it's great for my apartment. I'll explain.

The first question you should ask yourself is, What do I want my camera to accomplish? If settling for e-mail or web display of photos, then a 3.2 megapixel is plenty good enough. In fact, such a model, paired with my $100, six-color Epson R200 photo printer, worked in tandem to provide some very attractive collages of 4x6, 5x7 and 8x10 photos of my vacation jaunts, which can be found in my Fotki.com portfolio.

The main factor in deciding to get a new camera was that the S30 became too cumbersome and too heavy to be considered a universal carry-on, when compared to current models. That makes for a lot of missed photo-ops, as well as that unsightly image of a bulge in my pants.

If you're a point-and-shooter like me, then a Canon SD-series ultra-compact model seems perfect. The first of Canon's line, the 3.2 megapixel SD200, is about the size of an Altoids tin.

But how many pixels do need?. Simple math will tell you a 3.2-megapixel model will suffice for the aforementioned 8x10 prints. I was already buying into the size factor. How much smaller could they get? Probably negligible, similar to the clock speed of current PCs. Seriously, you could buy the slowest computer at a retail chain and be just as happy as you are with the fastest.

But what about these megapixels? Assuming size won't be a factor for a few years, will megapixels have any impact? I hedged my bet with yes. With 16x20 prints through Fotki.com at a minimum of $8.50 and 12x36 posters available at $12.00, I figured the prices are already reasonable to order large prints, and they may even come down. So I went with the new, kick-ass Canon SD500 7.1 megapixel model that I hope to be relevant as long as Derek Jeter is in pinstripes. And printing one's own poster-sized prints sounds pretty cool to me. Here's a tutorial on "Coming to Terms with DPI, PPI and Size."

As for finding the best price, definitely check out the price-comparison sites, especially if you live in New York City and are subject to an 8.75% tax that can be waived if ordering from out of state. An SD500 and 512MB card that would have cost $600 with the righteous folks at B&H Photo cost only $500 at PCRush.com.

Be wary of scam sellers like USA Photo Nation, a notorious bait-and-switch dealer that generates leads through Google's AdWords. Do your homework on anyone you give your credit card to. And give consideration to the rechargeable batteries and media cards you already own. Will they be compatible with a newer model? If so, there's some money saved. (For me, the answer was, unfortunately, no. So I'm kinda stuck with the stuff I have. Anyone wanna buy a 256MB Compact Flash card?)

In summary, know what you want, ask questions to understand price points (what you're paying for), and use the Internet's helpful tools to find the best price. My new toy arrives in a few days, but unless you plan on printing large-sized photos of my shots, you shouldn't see a difference. I'm hoping that in 2006 or 2007, my walls will be filled with posters I shot. Ansel Adams can choke on a fat one.

Happy 44th Birthday to the Greatest Living Ballplayer

Except for the potheads who will be sparking up today, on 420, April 20 has never been one of the more celebratory days of the year. Today is the anniversary of Adolf Hitler's birth in 1889, as well as the Columbine High School massacre in 1999. Great times, huh?

Sandwiched in there, however, is the 1961 birth of the Greatest Living Ballplayer, Donald Arthur Mattingly, who set the standard by which all future major leaguers will be judged, a man who continues his fight against discrimination of the porn 'stache.

If you were a Yankees fan growing up in the 1980s, Donnie Baseball was your favorite player. Period. I'd imagine it was the same way with George Brett in Kansas City, Rusty Kuntz in Detroit and Pedro Zamora in Real World San Francisco. He was the guy.

Here are some interesting tid-bits on the life and times of No. 23:

• Donnie was named one of the 50 Greatest Athletes ever to come out of Indiana by Sports Illustrated in 1999. And, hey, only two places behind Stephanie White-McCarty, the state women's high school basketball scoring champ!

• Mattingly was one of those "Faces in the Crowd" in a 1979 issue of Sports Illustrated. Other famous Faces: Chris Evert in 1969, Vincent (Bo) Jackson in 1981 and Emmitt Smith in 1986.

• Baseball-Reference.com has a new MVP award share leaderboard, whereby players are ranked by the year-end votes they received. Mattingly had seven top-20 finhishes: 1, 2, 5, 7, 15, 18 and 19, which ranks him at No. 72 all time (2.22), though we know a lot of that is bunk, because Babe Ruth won only one MVP (instead of the 10 he deserved) because of some whack-ass rules.

Among that list, Eddie Murray has the highest rating (3.33/19th) of players who never won a single MVP award. Murray did place in the top-five a whopping six times. Among the best players Mattingly outdistances are Dave Winfield (2.20/72nd), Duke Snider (1.97, 85th) and Mark McGwire (1.94/88th).

• Mattingly's records of most consecutive games with a home run (8) and most grand slams in a season (6) will never be broken. And I'll break the legs of any man who comes close.

• In 1994, Mattingly hit .412, with 79 home runs and 248 RBIs. Well, he would have if the season wasn't cut short by the strike.

• In 1986, baseball fans broke my heart by voting rookie dork Wally Joyner to start the All-Star Game at first base. Thanks a lot, assholes.

• Mattingly's plaque in Monument Park reads, in part, "A Humble Man of Grace and Dignity. A Captain Who Led by Example. Proud of the Pinstripes Tradition and Dedicated to the Pursuit of Excellence. A Yankee Forever."

And in conclusion...

Tonight in Toronto, I implore the Bombers to win one for the Hitman. Actually, just win one, period. That would be nice for a change.

Today's Sports Links:

• Satellite View of Yankee Stadium — Pretty decent shot supplied by the highly addictive Google Maps. Check out this huge collection of interesting map locations that I found on Gorilla Mask.

• Who Is, and Who Isn't, a True Yankee — ESPN.com Page 2's latest sarcastic rip on the Bombers. Here's hoping they meet their quota of 500 this month.

• Ranking the Last 15 No. 1 Overall NFL Draft Picks — Fellow 'Cuse alum C.J.'s interesting analysis of everyone from Tim Couch to Peyton Manning.

• Sheffield Seems Unlikely to be Punished by MLB — Good. It's about time someone took a stand against the boorish fans that poison the stands. We like to define the Malice at the Palace as a low point for sports, but I thought something like that was necessary to spotlight the type of shit players and surrounding fans have to put up with. And who didn't enjoy seeing that towel-carrying fat guy on the court get his clock cleaned? We'll look back on that day as a time when teams got their heads out of the sand and stopped ignoring the trashy behavior was so obvious to everyone else in the crowd.

Believe it or Not, George Isn't at Home

Long before Derek Jeter dressed in pinstripes, there was another New York dynasty: Seinfeld. You may remember it as the show that was 100 times funnier than Friends.

Seinfeld hit its peak right around my senior year in college, in spring 1994, when it aired at 9 p.m. on Thursdays. My four suite-mates and I liked to call this time Get Fucked Up at Home Before Heading Out to the Bars Hour. Needless to say, I didn't spend a lot of time studying for Friday classes, like Skiing.

Seinfeld is like pizza — everyone loves it. In fact, I've met maybe three people in my life who didn't think the show was funny. Of course, I never have, and never will, hang out with said people.

For the other 99.999% of people who are Seinfeld fans, I give you a new cell phone message: audio of George Costanza's "Believe it or Not" answering machine message.

For those unfamiliar, here's the transcript:

Believe it or not, George isn't at home.
Please leave a message at the beep.
I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone.
Where could I be?
Believe it or not, I'm not home!

Just download, hold your phone to your computer speaker and record.

It's gold, Jerry. Gold!

Also: you can view guitar tabs of the message (what?) and read the entire transcript of "The Susie," the episode in which this classic moment occurs.

Today's Web Finds:

• 622 Music Videos — More copyright violations than you can shake a stick at: from Beck to Nirvana, from The Beatles to U2.

• storTroopers — Make an Animated Icon of Yourself — Select your hair, shades and clothes, plus any add-ons to make you seem cooler than you really are.

• Virtual Bartender 2 — Jump the shark, anyone? Didn't they watch what happened when Jib-Jab came out with its follow-ups to This Land?

• Dummies.com — The web site is pretty much a vehicle to sell books that scream "MORON" in the park, but there are some pretty good, free How Stuff Works-like articles.

• How I Did It: Mike Veeck — An Inc. magazine feature on the second-generation baseball exec who believes that fun is good.

• The Worst Jobs in History — Really interesting site, though I don't see "fast-food restaurant manager." You knows those customers who demand to talk to the manager over something stupid like someone giving them a grilled chicken sandwich instead of a fried chicken sandwich? One should be allowed to murder them without punishment.

• Fuck the Police — Explicit Only — Someone went and edited out the clean stuff in the N.W.A. classic. Give it a listen to truly understand the impact of the late, great Easy E.

Photos & Recap: Camden Yards Road Trip 2005

Five guys and five gals from four states, two hotels, three ridiculous traffic delays, one Yankees blown lead, a million cell phone calls and a billion beers later, I'm back home and ... tired. Let's hope this all makes sense.

• The photo gallery is up. I make a return appearance as the Least Photogenic Guy on Earth.

• Left early Saturday morning for the 4:35 p.m. start, dropped bags off at the economical hotels (around $100/night) near BWI airport, rode the light rail to Camden Yards and split a $25 cab back from Inner Harbor after closing the bars at 2 a.m. Long, long day. Lots of fun. Except...

• The Bombers blew another one. They're now 0-4 in games I've attended this year, and I'm one step away from buying my own "Yankees suck" T-shirt.

• Rest stops are mutant conventions. The people look straight outta the Star Wars cantina, and the cleanliness makes you want to eat off the floor ... because the tables are a wreck. Looked like a pizza parlor got hit by a truck bomb.

• Never pay for than $15 for a seat at Camden Yards. Armed with only $8 standing-room only tickets, me and Anchorman sat or stood in four different sections, seemingly on a mission to give business to every beer vendor in the joint. The Richmond girls bought two lower-level tickets for $10 each in the no-scalping re-sell line. And this was a series that sold out every ticket. And the end of the one-run game, eight of us were able to sit together, despite holding four different types of tickets.

• David Boston sucks. I don't know if this guy forgot he was going to a Yankees game or what, but some dude was sporting a San Diego Chargers #89 David Boston jersey. You know how many times someone said, "Boston Sucks!" to him? About 1,000. And I'm only counting the time I was taking a piss next to him. And he had no sense of humor about it.

• Yankees fans were in full force. Again, half the place was sporting the interlocking N-Y. Again, I saw more Mattingly shirts than Ripken shirts. If you're a Yankees fan, you have to make this trip.

• "But you cheated." As sure as day follows night, some stranger is gonna pipe up at me when I'm wearing a Yankees cap or shirt. Usually I'm doing something really obnoxious, like walking past them or talking to a friend. Late Saturday night, the local liquorheads were getting mouthy (again, with no provocation), but I armed myself with this comeback: "Yeah, but you cheated." Used it about 10 times. Every time I got a dumbfounded look. "What the fuck are you talking about?" they ask. "Did you see the replays? You'll read about it tomorrow," I told them. That pretty much ended the exchanges, me moving on to more important matters and they left scratching their heads.

• That's no way to treat The Greatest Living Ball Player. I think I saw only one fight all day/night. I know this will come as a shock, but it involved drunk males. One dude in a No. 23 Don Mattingly jersey and got his ass beat out of the bar and into a back alley. Where's Don Zimmer when you need him?

• Thundersticks, Natty Bo's, cheap-ass beers all over the place, the Camden Yards employee who didn't know where Boog's BBQ was, raising the Red Roof, the usher who showed us to our seats behind home plate after we showed him our standing-room only tickets, the cabbie I invited to make love to himself after he tried to gouge us, being asked to talk to a PK.com reader in Virginia after she downed what sure sounded like a healthy dosage of Jim Beam, hearing Boulevard of Broken Dreams eight thousand times in the car, getting flashed by passing car, lunch at Fell's Point (named after Norman Fell) next to a couple that was actually engaged in a televised NASCAR race and, of course, Powerdogs!

Make your plans now for the 2006 PK.com Camden Yards Road Trip. Maybe then I'll actually buy enough tickets so we're not scrambling before the game.

The PK.com Camden Yards Road Trip Makes the News

Well, that Baltimore Sun article I'm quoted in is up. It's titled "Yankees fans: Go home!" and it should come with an advisory: for mature fans only.

Because it kinda stokes the flames of exactly what I hate: fans of opposing teams getting in each other's faces at the games. Remember the title isn't "Yankees go home!" — it's fans.

Read the entire piece and tell me who's planning to hit Camden Yards this weekend and start trouble and act like an asshat, me (a guy who does not say "da Yanks, da mos' wunnerful team in da woild") or a local 48-year-old pharmacist who brags about starting "Yankees suck!" chants and verbally terrorizing Giants fans at a Ravens game.

Fourty-eight-fucking-years-old. Here's a guy from McHenry, a town so insignificant it has to be described as being "in Western Maryland," and he professes to loathe "everything related to New York."

'Cause what could we possibly have that you couldn't already enjoy in McHenry?

Score one for the Yankees fans, if you ask me. You're welcome, Mr. Steinbrenner, sir.

Now all I have to do is work on giving more concise quotes over the phone.

Here's my review of Camden Yards from last year, including photos.

The Case of Fan Deterioration: Exhibit 1,837

Before I get to Thursday night's debacle at Fenway Park, I'd like to finally link to one of the saddest baseball scenes I saw this year, this photo taken by Barry Zito at spring training.

What do you see among the suffocating autograph hounds? Awe-struck, middle-aged adults. Hey, we all sought John Hancocks at one point in our lives. Then we started liking girls.

If not for the fanaticism, though, Barry Zito wouldn't be as rich. So I didn't feel sorry for anyone.

And so I don't feel sorry for anyone involved in the Gary Sheffield-Red Sux fan confrontation Thursday night. Sheffield makes quite a bit of coin on beer sales. Believe it. Not directly, but most certainly indirectly. It's part of MLB's revenue and part of Sheff's salary. That's the game we play. I'm not here to preach on alcohol sales, not saying who's right and wrong, but that's the straight-up truth. Players make money off of booze, and if you don't know the effect that has on some fans, then you're probably not smart enough to know how many outs are in an inning. Play with fire ... well, you know the rest.

So who's right and who's wrong? Who knows? I can only guess at what the intentions were of the fan who took an obvious swipe at something — the ball, his cap, his grill, whatever. Even if he was just trying to grab the ball, which is what it seems a lot of people were doing, I can't comprehend the logic. An obvious bases-clearing shot in fair territory is not something a smart Boston fan would want to halt to a two-base hit. But I've seen, time and time again, fans' inability to know their role — spectators and nothing more.

I've personally seen a girl injured because of fans diving over rows of seats to score themselves a $10 game ball. Absolutely pathetic. Count me as one of the few people who never wants a foul ball hit near him. I see people act that desperate and I want to throw up.

Y'all know I have my fun here as resident Yankee propagandist. I wear my interlocking NY with pride and appreciate the laughs I have with friends who support such enemies as the Sux and Mutts. I choose those pals based on our capability in sensibility, knowing there are smart people in every team's fans base. And there are assholes, too. Unfortunately, you can't always choose who walks into a bar or buys a ticket to a game. You will always have the asshole quotient to deal with.

Yankees fans who try to paint Thursday night's fracas as something typical of the entirety of Red Sux fans should ask themselves why beer sales are prohibited in the bleacher sections of Yankee Stadium. That is, by far, the most embarrassing regularity I've ever heard imposed on fans. The fact that they acted like such assholes, for years, that a for-profit company would turn away their ungodly amounts of money over an 81-game home schedule, all because their actions weren't worth the loot, is unfathomable.

As a whole, I'd safely say that, since 2003, Red Sux fans have been the most instigating, crass, inflammatory, provocative, insufferable, bandwagoning (at least here; believe it) pricks I've ever encountered in a quarter-century of attending live sporting events. But some are cool, too. And the cool fans, on both sides, have to have been staring at the screen in the eighth inning thinking, "I'm fucking embarrassed right now."

(And, yes, that was another Red Sux looney who ran onto the field and tried to slide into home plate after the final out. Another shining example of idiocy.)

Sheffield-Fan Links:

• Boston Dirt Dogs: Foul Play by Bandwagon Chooch Fraud-Fan Embarrasses the City of Boston — Psst. Don't tell anyone, but I love the Boston Dirt Dogs site. It cracks me up, and I always felt like we were on the same page in terms of propaganda/true baseball fan/just having some fun. Their subhead reads; "This is what happens when Nation 'cardholders,' who don't know enough to keep their hands in the stands, go to games instead of real baseball fans, who can't get tickets to Fenway anymore. Sheff should have clocked the assclown."

• ESPN.com SportsNation: Fans React — Kinda surprises me that so many people are against the fan, considering the anti-Yankees vibe that ESPN.com exists to cultivate. Still haven't read one good reason why the fan would have been swiping his arm like that on a ball that had been fair for several seconds.

Today's Sports Links:

• King Kaufman Reviews 'Three Nights in August' — In my opinion, King is the most underrated online sports columnist around. And this piece is a shining example of how he makes thoughtful, engaging arguments that make for a great daily read.

• Three Questions With Mike Pizza — I just love the title of this Sporting News feature. Three questions? Where did they interview him, in line at Starbucks?

• Lightning Rod: Rodriguez Has Talent For Ticking Off Peers — This is all news to me, as the Sux and Yanks both went hard after this guy. One veteran comments on "the way Rodriguez and Jeter race each other to the top step of the dugout to congratulate teammates and celebrate important plays." The same player also says A-Rod is "10 times better." Couldn't really tell, though, could you. How funny does it look now that the Rangers actually names him captain. You know in any Yanks-Sux series that captains Jeter and Varitek show up to ball. A-Rod's lucky to get a bloop hit to right.

• Video: Worst Halftime Show of All Time — Absolutely hilarious clip from what seems like a soccer game. Has to be a put-on, right?

• Ultimate NFL Mock Draft — SI.com does what I've always wanted to do. How would NFL teams select players if everyone was available, fantasy-league style? They have Michael Vick at No. 1 and I think you'd have to be insane to pick him over Peyton Manning. Vick's not even close to Randall Cunningham in his prime. Or Daunte Culpepper behind Randy Moss? You really think a player like Randy Moss is harder to replace than a franchise QB like Culpepper? No f'ing way.

Finally, Apropos of Nothing:

The worst spam mail I've ever received.

Subject: mad black woman
Body: I am 45 years old, i don't do oral sex

Now why in the world would I ever respond to that?!?!

NFL 2005: 10 Games to Watch

The NFL released its 2005 regular-season schedule on Wednesday, and I'm already making plans to book flights, host parties and get sick to my stomach watching the Giants.

For years I've looked forward to everyone's preseason thoughts on must-see games. In fact, I wrote one for TIME.com four seasons ago. This year, I might as well pick out of a hat. You saw the NFC last year, right? Can you possibly bank on any of those teams, save the Eagles, being watchable midway through the season?

But I'll give it a shot anyway:

OAKLAND at NEW ENGLAND, Week 1
Thursday, Sept. 8 — This could be Arizona vs. Miami and it would still be a must-watch, if only because it's the season-opener. I smell a viewing party somewhere on the Upper West Side, complete with a pre-game Madden 2006 tournament and a live karaoke halftime show of TV theme songs played on my acoustic/electric guitar. Randy Moss in his new digs against the Super Bowl champs makes for an interesting storyline, which means Randy Moss makes for an interesting storyline, because the Patriots are boring as shit.

PHILADELPHIA at ATLANTA, Week 1
Monday, Sept. 12 — They were the class of the NFC last year, and I don't expect things to change significantly. Then again, it's the NFC so who really knows.

N.Y. GIANTS at NEW ORLEANS, Week 2
Sunday, Sept. 18 — Not so much a must-see as a must-go game. When your favorite team is scheduled to play in the cheapest party city in America, you hit up Expedia.com right quick. Notice I didn't say "best" or "coolest" party city. Nothing says tourist like those lame test-tube shots. But, hey, love the 3-for-1 beers.

N.Y. GIANTS at SAN DIEGO, Week 3
Sunday, Sept. 25 — Before last year's draft, Eli Manning said he wouldn't play for the Chargers, which is kinda like a blackjack dealer threatening to not take all of your money. If San Diego had any fans, you would expect them to boo. I'm a tell ya what, this is also a key game for the ESPN Sunday Night Football crew, which should open doors to a new generation of fans who won't believe that Paul Maguire played professional football.

BALTIMORE at PITTSBURGH, Week 8
Monday, Oct. 31 — What are the Ravens gonna dress up as on Halloween, law-abiding citizens?

PITTSBURGH at GREEN BAY, Week 9
Sunday, Nov. 6 — If you believe in the NFL and treat every fall Sunday like Christmas morning, then you gotta love the Pittsburgh Steelers at the Green Bay Packers. Their rich histories aren't exactly linked, almost no rivalry at all and no 2005 storyline. But for decades they've set the standard for the way the NFL should conduct itself. Before and after assholes like T.O., there have been, and will be, the Steelers and Packers.

INDIANAPOLIS at NEW ENGLAND, Week 9
Monday, Nov. 7 — Gee, wonder if the Pats will find a way to stop Peyton Manning. There's two ways to look at this, of course. Either you credit New England or strike a blow to Manning's legacy. And I say, take a bow, Patriots. If not, you're just cheating yourselves out of respect.

PITTSBURGH at INDIANAPOLIS, Week 12
Monday, Nov. 28 — I hate to throw in another game with these guys, but it really is the best game between two teams that didn't meet in 2004. By Week 12, we'll know if the Colts have a shot at home-field advantage in the AFC, and we already know how much that means to them. Almost no way this is a meaningless game.

MINNESOTA at BALTIMORE, Week 16
Sunday, Dec. 25 — With Sunday falling on Christmas Day, the NFL has scheduled 13 of the week's 16 games on Saturday, Dec. 24. But I'm going with this 8:30 p.m. start on Christmas Day as a must-see because it might extend past my family's Broadway show outing, and nothing makes a shot of booze go down smoother after withstanding two hours of being cramped in show-tunes seats than having a quarter left of football to watch.

CAROLINA at ATLANTA, Week 17
Sunday, Jan. 1 — With the Fiesta and Sugar Bowls slated for Jan. 2 and the Rose and Orange Bowls scheduled for Jan. 3, this is the best we can do. Carolina reminds me of the Oakland A's — a team that's perpetually overlooked and dangerous. And the Atlanta Falcons remind me of the previous years' Minnesota Timberwolves — a talented team with a stud and a good supporting cast. All of which means neither is going anywhere.

As for the Yankees...

• Forgive me Yankees for I have sinned. It was The Night of the Living Dead just as I was counting out Jason Giambi, Tino Martinez and Bernie Williams, who deservedly brought up the rear in the Yankees lineup Wednesday night. They tore Curt Schelling a new asshole, which gives him three — the one he had, the new one and the one that he is. I still stand by my bar-room comment that A-Rod is a disaster when it comes to STFU moments, and it wouldn't surprise me to see him (0-for-5 Wednesday, .229 on the season) to go 1-for-19 against Ketchup Sock — or anyone else who calls him out — in 2005. If I were the Tigers or Blue Jays, I'd start calling him a hack.

• I was interviewed by the Baltimore Sun on Wednesday for a feature on Yankees fans coming down to get crabs this weekend. Supposed to run on Friday and I'll try to link it up before I leave town.

• One more game till we don't have to face the Red Sox till May 27. And still that seems kinda early. Not that I don't mind seeing Schelling make 35,115 people from Boston shut up, but it'll be nice to walk into a bar with a Yankees jacket on, not hear bitches yell "Go Red Sox" and see them disappear when their ace gets lit up like a Christmas tree by a trio of has-beens hitting .175 combined.

• The Red Sox are definitely in Mariano Rivera's head. Yeah, definitely.

Apply Now for VP of CMT's Dukes of Hazzard Institute

I've got some great news for any man who's ever lusted after Daisy Duke, or for any woman who's ever wanted to show Boss Hogg her Cooter.

CMT is looking to fill the position of Vice President, Dukes of Hazzard Institute, and they're willing to pay $100,000 for his/her services.

Duties include: Watching the Dukes of Hazzard every weeknight, writing for the show's online blog, giving media interviews and making personal appearances at such hip events as Dukesfest 2005 this summer in Bristol, Tenn. (Might not be on P. Diddy's social calendar, if you catch my drift.)

When I was like 8 years old, I thought Dukes of Hazzard was the best show ever. Then again, I thought the CHiPS dudes were the coolest cats on TV. But as you grow older, you get less excited when the Dukes take a dirt path to elude the fuzz for the 120th straight show. And you kinda wish the writing was more advanced than that of Sesame Street. Seriously, I think Oscar the Grouch had more use for cue cards than Uncle Jessie.

(Speaking of which, haven't we been subjected to one too many Uncle Jessies over the years. Referring to the Super Mullet on Full House, of course. I think I smell a Head to Head coming up.)

And finally, a did you know? They're making a new Dukes of Hazzard movie starring American Pie's Stifler as Bo, Johnny Knoxville as Luke and Jessica Simpson as Daisy. Guess who won't be spending $10.50 on that one? (While we're at it, here's a Stifler soundboard.)

Today's Web Finds:

• iFilm's Most Popular Celebrity Skin Vids Ever — Wow, it's "Tara Reid Sex Scene" at No. 1, with "Catherine Bell Sex Scene" as the only close challenger. Someday I'll have to do a list of Homemade Celebrity Sex Videos That Would Not Only Be Popular But Pretty Much Bring Down the Entire Internet and Threaten World Civilization. Britney Spears was the obvious former No. 1 on that list, but not anymore. Because...

• Britney Spears Is Officially Pregnant — "Here's a picture of mommy growing up in Louisiana. And here's another one of mommy slutting it up at an MTV awards show when she was 19. And here's mommy's first husband, who mommy was married to for 55 hours. And here's..."

• Caddyshack Sound Page — Not sure if I've linked to this already, but who couldn't go for another round of "Oh, this is the worst lookin' hat I ever saw. Looks good on you though!" (Thanks, Art)

• Do The Schiavo — Oh, of all the going-straight-to-hell Terry Schiavo parodies, this collection of people imitating her famous pubic photo warrant the most direct ticket. Check out site owner Amanda Egge's "I Love Jew Cock" t-shirts, now on sale.

• Video: Kid Passes Out During Spelling Bee — Kinda of an oldie, but does seeing a nerd faint and recover to spell a word ever really get old? Hey, remember that looney girl from Brooklyn who went ape-shit after winning the 1997 National Spelling Bee?

• VH1 to Air Reality Show Hogan Knows Best — Hell, the Hulkster could pass out 'roids to his daughter's friends and still act more responsible than Victoria Gotti. Speaking of, did you know Lisa Gastineau is a former mistress of John Gotti and is a current nemesis of Victoria? The Teflon Don must've been quite the charming plumbing-supply salesman when he wasn't ordering murders. (Found on SteveSilver.net)

• The Best Free PC Utilities — PC World's newest tips for making your computing more efficient.

• World's Longest Gum-Wrapper Chain — Everyone needs hobbies, ya know. Mine are sports, writing, guitar and photography. And this guy's been tying together gum wrappers for four decades.

• 419 Eater — Turning the tables on the Nigerian scam assholes. (Thanks, Joe)

• Top 20 Hit Country Lyrics For Y'all! — This site actully embeds song audio with its lyrics of the top-20 hits. Almost certainly a copyright violation, but what do I care?

• Samsung's $369 (at B&H in NYC) 7-Megapixel Camera — I know megapixels aren't everything, but this baby looks cool, and I'm looking forward to reading some serious reviews when it's been properly tested.

Oh, The Things I Learn on Baseball-Reference.com

As you know, one of my favorite sports sites is the user-friendly database baseball-reference.com. I sometimes call it up to check a single fact and end up not being able to pull away. Here are some interesting facts I recently gleaned...

• Rickey Henderson, while generally regarded as the game's greatest speedster, seemed allergic to triples.

Henderson, who stole 1,406 bases in 25 years, had only 66 career triples, only twice had more than 5 in a season and never had more than 7 in a single year. Slugger Lou Gehrig, the second-greatest home-run hitter of his generation who stole only 102 bases in 17 seasons, posted 163 career triples, including double-digit figures every year from 1925-31.

Current Nationals shortstop Christian Guzman posted triples totals of 20, 14, 6 and 20 with the Twins from 2000-2003, leading the league in three of those four seasons.

Henderson is widely considered an automatic first-ballot Hall of Famer, as he's the majors' all-time leader in runs and stolen bases, while surpassing 3,000 hits and 2,000 walks. But he had only three top-8 finishes in league MVP voting (1981, 1985, 1990). How many first-ballot hitters can you say that about?

He also played for nine different teams, not exactly a guy teams were unwilling to unload.

• Let's play a game of Can You Believe This Current Player Has One Top-Five Finish in MVP Voting?

In his fist seven full seasons, he boasts these stats:

- .616 career slugging percentage, the highest active leader and fourth-best of all time
- .339 career batting average, the highest active leader
- .432 career on-base percentage, second among active players and 10th-best of all time
- 1.048 OPS, second among active players and fifth-best of all time
- Has never hit below .315 in a full season
- Three Gold Gloves
- Five straight All-Star Game selections

Coors Field is either the best thing to happen to Todd Helton or the worst. Sick totals for a guy who could walk down the streets of New York unnoticed.

• Jeff Bagwell is to All-Star Games what Henderson is to triples.

I was watching the Mets' home opener Monday and Ralph Kiner mentioned how Bagwell is a solid candidate for the Hall of Fame. Well, nothing gets me clicking on Baseball Reference like a HOF debate. And, of course, I find something very interesting...

Bagwell has only four All-Star Game selections in his 14 full seasons. Here's a guy with over 1,500 runs and RBIs through age 36, averaging 116 per 162 games in both categories. A guy with nine seasons of 100+ runs (including 120+ four straight), eight seasons of 100+ RBIs (including five of 120+), seven seasons of 100+ walks and batting averages of .310, .315,. 320 and .368.

Most importantly, perhaps, is that he finished in the top 10 of MVP voting six times. And he makes only four All-Star Games? Wade Boggs, by comparison, finished in the top 10 of MVP voting four times, but was selected to 12 straight All-Star Games.

As for the Yankees...

• Just an abomination to watch right now. Bernie Williams and Jason Giambi are liabilities at the plate and in the field. Tino Martinez looks shot at the plate. Alex Rodriguez is the polar opposite of Derek Jeter in his (in)ability to lead by example, though he did manufacture New York's only run, even if he got lucky with a bad throw from Edgar Renteria.

I'm sick of looking for silver linings. That's eight losses in their last 11 games that counted. Maybe they need another six-man no-hitter thrown against 'em or a 22-0 loss at home. Because both those events turned around the last couple of regular seasons.

• Mariano Rivera is the coolest cat around. If there's anyone who doesn't need to be reminded that he's pitched in 23 postseason series with nine earned runs in 108.7 innings, with 32 saves and a 0.75 ERA, with one earned run in seven innings in the 2004 ALCS and one earned run in eight innings in the 2003 ALCS, with three top-three finishes in Cy Young Award voting, it's No. 42 himself.

• As long as Joe Torre is the manager, we will always do the right thing politically. And they did so Monday when the Red Sox received their rings, though I think they did it just to see if Manny Ramirez would wear his on his nose.

What's Next After Sesame Street Tosses the Cookies?

While it still endorses living in a filthy trash can, Sesame Street will limit Cookie Monster's cookie intake in its 36th season, as it focuses on healthy eating. Cookies are now a "sometimes food," no longer a "grab as many as you can, like Michael Jackson at an 8-year-old's birthday party" food.

In my eyes, this puts an undue burden on Cookie Monster. He can't be all things to all people. He can't be a cookie-gobblin', crumb-spewin', googly-eyed, raging, phycho mutherfucker one minute and a calorie-countin' wuss the next.

That's why I suggest adding a host of new monsters to show kids how adults really live. For example:

Atkins Monster: Just like Oscar surrounds himself with trash, Atkins Monster would perpetually be surrounded by bacon. His clothes would be made of bacon, his apartment would be furnished in bacon. His girlfriend? Yep, made of bacon. (And here's where you insert your own obvious and crude joke.)

Tofu Burger Monster: This guy would be such a pussy, he'd make Elmo look like Joseph Stalin. He'd teach children how to play Hacky Sack and how to keep hemp fresh.

Green Monster: A healthy eater and proponent of exercise, Green Monster would be a big baseball fan. Bucky Dent would show up one day and hit fly balls to him. Always over his head, of course.

White Castle Monster: A quiet, unassuming fellow, he'd be silent but deadly. Not only would he teach kids how to order through bullet-proof glass, but he'd give them quickie lessons on economics during his weekly trips to Sam's Club for a 120-pack of toilet paper.

Brownie Monster: The culinary expert on the show, Brownie Monster would teach kids how to bake his own recipe with a secret herb. This guy would be great for ratings, since the brownies would render kids motionless on the couch, watching Sesame Street all day.

Beer Monster: All this food and nothing to wash it down with? That doesn't make any sense. And neither does Beer Monster after a dozen pops. But that doesn't stop him from rambling about his solutions to the world's problems.

Other Sesame Street Links:

• Toss a salad with Cookie Monster. Not as much fun of a game as you would think with a prison-sex title like that.

• Download an MP3 of C Is for Cookie. My gift to your ears.

• Remember the episode when Mr. Hooper died? Man, that was sad.

• Remember the annual Christmas Eve on Sesame Street special? That shit rocked. If I ever lose my mind and get married and have kids, I'll want to watch this one with them.

• 25 Favorite Sesame Street Moments. This feature reminded me of a few other childhood classics: Grover as the worst waiter ever, the guy in the trenchcoat who used to try to sell letters, and Grover's near-and-far skit.

Photos: Orioles 12, Yankees 5

Even if you're sick of Yankees stuff by now, at least read the Buzz Word portion of these notes from Friday night's game. It's worth it.

• Posted a small gallery of pictures, but mostly the usual stuff.

• I nominate a new Greatest Choke Ever to the guy who blew Buzz Word, probably the easiest fan-participation game ever held between innings.

Here's how it goes: On the DiamondVision, a Yankees player delivers three clues to a mystery word, and a selected fan writes down his guess after each clue.

On Friday, the player was Ruben Sierra, and his Spainglish was so indecipherable that pretty much everyone was laughing. The first guess was "Bench." Wrong.

The second clue, I managed to make out, was "a place to watch the game." The fan's next guess was "Clubhouse." Wrong.

The final clue — which, again, hardly anyone could understand — was "another name for bench."

At this point, even a Mongolian soccer fan could tell you the Buzz Word is "dugout." Even without all the people screaming the answer out around you. But this guy scrawls out "B-E-N-C-H." Again.

Another name for bench, he guesses, is bench. That was awesome.

• Deciding whether or not to tip the beer lady after paying $8.50 for a frosty is like deciding whether or not to ask a Hell's Angel to ass-rape you after he's beaten your wife.

• I believe the shift killed Jason Giambi's career, not steroids. I can't remember a single hit he's gotten because of the shift, meaning because there was a hole that otherwise wouldn't have been there. But I can think of plenty of balls that used to be hits that are now outs. That doesn't explain the strikeouts, unless you think the shift has messed with his head, and I do.

• Here's the difference between Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez right now. Derek smacks a game-winning home run on Tuesday, gets plunked and sent to the hospital Wednesday, comes back Friday and goes 3-for-3 with two walks, raising his batting average to .500 and his on-base percentage to .650 (7-for-14, 4 BB).

A-Rod, on the other hand, makes a crucial error Wednesday and follows that up by going 0-for-5, not advancing any of seven runners, and dropping his average to .176. (Must tell myself it's early. Must tell myself it's early.)

• The Yankees 5-7 hitters Friday night were Giambi, Bernie Williams and Tino Martinez, who finished the game hitting .200, .000 and .182 respectively. That means Giambi can look those two in the eye and say, "You suck."

Bern Man, c'mon. Me and you one last year in the No. 51 home white.

• Jaret Wright was brought in to replace Javier Vazquez and he's doing a fine job of it. Picked up his uniform No. 33 and his ERA. Though there will be plenty of warm summer days to help take the sting out of a chilly April night.

• Dr. Ronan Tynan will be performing at the Beacon Theater on May 2. I wonder if he's gonna break out the God Bless A-mer-eeeeee-ca, like during the seventh-inning stretch, which is part honoring soldiers and part Cotton-Eyed Joe hoedown. Now that's a stretch.

• You ever see that casino reality show where those guys bet against whatever their friend Frank thinks is a good play? They called it the Frankie Factor. Anyway, the Yanks are 2-0 when I don't go to the Stadium, 0-2 when I do. Last year they were 11-1 when I was out of the entire country, including a season-high eight-game winning streak when I was in Europe and couldn't watch anything. Someone send me to Amsterdam, quick.

• Gotta love the guys eating ice cream when it's 45 degrees. Maybe they just felt bad for the vendor. You know these same guys will be slurping hot chocolate when it's 93 in August.

• Met up briefly with true-blue Yankees fan Karen Bischer and her throng of femmes. We shared a special Bronx moment: watching A-Rod bounce out with the bases loaded. (A-Rod, kidding man. I'm the guy who's always pointing out that you were tied for second in the league in 2004 win shares. I still believe in ya.)

Lock of the Century: Next Bronx Cheer for Mo a Standing O

Apparently, "Yankees fans" booed Mariano Rivera (career stats) when he was removed from Wednesday's game. All the columnists are opining about it, even though none of their stories quote any fans. Talk radio is going ga-ga over it, even though I've heard no audio of the supposed Bronx cheer. And the only video I saw was on Pardon the Interruption, an inaudible shot of Rivera walking dejectedly toward the Yankees dugout as Bombers Backers clapped in pity behind it.

I didn't hang around the Stadium long enough to hear who did what. Rather, I departed at 6-3, shaking my head at A-Rod's flair for the undramatic, uninterested in the impending fights between Sux fans who were instigating and yapping at strangers (as usual) and the Yanks fans who were gonna beat their asses.

Wednesday on ESPN Radio, Dan Patrick's sub read an e-mail from a "longtime Yankees fan" who said the crowd was justified and that Rivera is (in capital letters) "a HAS BEEN." (A "has-been" who finished third in Cy Young voting last year and gave up one run in seven innings in the 2004 ALCS, after pitching 5.2 scoreless in the ALDS.) And the host didn't even question the legitimacy of the e-mail sender's allegiance. Get a clue, man. April Fool's was just last week.

Post-game comments from Joe Torre and Rivera certify that boo birds flew. From whom I don't know. But I smell a rat. If these "inexcusable" actions on the part of "Yankees fans" are the true feelings of our fan base, then you'll hear moans and groans the next time Rivera enters a game at the Stadium to close the door.

Should that opportunity come this weekend against the Orioles (hopefully Friday, and maybe I'll go if the weather holds), you can bank every penny you have — and every penny you hope to have — that his Enter Sandman intro will ignite a loud and proud standing ovation. Then tell me how "Yankees fans" resorted to this and that. If you still think it was "Yankees fans."

To be continued...

Today's Sports Links:

• Damon to A-Rod: I'm Sorry — Idiot author says the words he used to describe "the slap" in his book were too harsh. And I would like to apologize for Damon for thinking that it was impossible for a guy who can't read a book to write one.

• Schilling Gives Up Six Runs in Seven Innings of AAA Ball — Make no mistake, those Indianapolis Indians are tough. Next up: April 13 against the Yanks, whom I believe will be throwing Carl Pavano.

• Ultimate Warrior Reinvents Himself as Loony Conservative Political Commentator — Steve Silver on the former 'rod-rager's speech at UConn.

• Q&A With Playboy Buddy Rose — Ten questions with the former WWF wrestler who definitely didn't do steroids. Though you had to love the one-handed push-ups. Check out his official website, including a photo gallery of classic ring shots.

• Reds Send Mets to First 0-3 Start Since 1964 — Amazin' to think that the Mets, who are not exactly the most consistent or successful franchise ever (that's the Yankees), haven't lost three straight to start a season in 41 years. And this with good starts from Pedro Martinez, Carlos Beltran and David Wright.

• Fine Fascinated by Florida Post — Jim Boeheim's assistant for all 29 years in interested in coaching Florida Atlantic University's 10-17 squad. Must be getting career advice from David Caruso.

• Vince Carter Scores 30+ for 20th Time in 52 Games as Net — Prior to the season, The Sporting News ranked him as the 41st best player in the NBA. Now he's averaging more than 26 a game in New Jersey. Must be the (stank) water.

Mayor Mike Tops 50 Most Loathsome New Yorkers List

The cheery folks at New York Press have released their annual list of 50 Most Loathsome New Yorkers, always a popular feature on the 'Net. I guess they could also do a list of 50 Most Admirable New Yorkers, but who would care, right?

Some highlights from the ugly bitch-fest.

No. 50: Alex Rodriguez, Yankees 3B
New York Press says: "A-Rod is the human equivalent of Disneyland Times Square — the child-safe corporate import spackled over the soul of a great city."

No. 46: Lorne Michaels, SNL Producer
New York Press says: "We've seen Amy Poehler and Tina Fey be comic geniuses in person, but under the visionary incompetence of one of the dumbest men in tv history, you just want to punch them both in the face."

No. 42: Lindsay Lohan, Actress
New York Press says: "She has access to the best chemicals, most exotic locales and wildest people, but lives like the world's most famous ugly sorority girl."

No. 34: Olsen Twins, NYU Students
New York Press says: "Fraternal? Identical? Adorable? How about really fucking scrawny and annoying."

No. 32: Pedro Martinez, Mets P
New York Press says: "Twenty-eight-inch-tall Nelson de la Rosa, the miniature former actor who befriended and joined Martinez in the clubhouse after several key Red Sox victories last season has already distanced himself after Pedro reportedly called de La Rosa a 'palm-sized pipsqueak.'"

No. 29: Bill O'Reilly, TV Host
New York Press says: "This is a man whose only answer to challenge is girly tantrums, a man who screams down Al Franken when Franken busts him for lying about winning a Peabody Award, who cuts his guests' mics when they disagree with him."

No. 19: Tony Danza, TV Host
New York Press says: "In a city clogged with Italian restaurants, who does Danza pick to sponsor his food segments? The Olive Garden. Was Papa Gino's too busy?"

No. 16: Edwin Anzalone, J-E-T-S Fireman
New York Press says: "While we wouldn't mind three-day workweeks, we'll hand it to them: fighting fires is more dangerous than writing. So why the fuck is self-proclaimed FDNY spokesman Edwin Anzalone shilling for Bloomberg, Mr. Raise-Miser himself, in tv commercials for the proposed Jets stadium?"

No. 4: Barbara Corcoran, Megarealtor
New York Press says: "The Corcoran Group, whose agents get Botox injections and put steamy photos on their business cards, has done more than any other realtor in town to fetishize and gentrify once affordable, polyglot neighborhoods."

No. 1: Michael Bloomberg, NYC Mayor
New York Press says: "Mike Bloomberg has never cared about anyone but himself, and for that, he wears the crown in 2005."

Today's Web Finds:

• FAQ On Alcohol — It does a body bad. And I should know.

• Pam Anderson's Blog on Friendster — Like most blogs, it's boring as shit.

• AskMen.com Interviews Ron Jeremy — It's not every day a man talks about hot lights singing ball hairs. This is one of them.

• Illustrated History of Torture Devices — Half of 'em sound like wrestling finishing maneuvers (Spanish Crusher, Skull Splitter and Head Crusher to name a few). Interesting and scary as shit.

• Twisted Justice on IMDB.com — Erik Estrada, Shannon Tweed and Jim Brown have been in a movie together? I've got to see this one. Here's a list of reviews of Tweed's nude scenes.

• Astronomy Picture of the Day: Water on Mars — Fascinating discovery.

We'll See Your Captain's Home Run and ... Win!

Through two games of the baseball season, here are my thoughts...

• The Yankees are on pace to win 162 games. Obviously, that's unrealistic. So figure a loss at Texas on July 19 and against Toronto on Sept. 25: 160-2. Not bad.

• Derek Jeter cracked his walk-off home run against Red Sux closer Keith Foulke. I'm starting to think we're in his head.

• When Jason Giambi gets up, there's a 2% chance of a 450-foot home run, a 20% chance of a ground ball to second base (or right field), a 20% chance of a pop-up, a 40% chance of a strikeout, and an 18% chance of a hit. I keep tricking myself into thinking the 2000 AL MVP rode to the Stadium in a DeLorean.

• Alex Rodriguez has less of a chance to hit a 450-foot home run, or anything that might deem him intimidating at the plate. You know those guys who you just don't turn the channel on? The guys who leave a lump in your throat when you face 'em? Barry Bonds, David Ortiz, Manny Ramirez, Old Mike Piazza, Mid '90s Ken Griffey? That ain't A-Rod. Not right now. And not with runners on.

• Are Sux fans done ragging on Jeter, the guy with four rings, a World Series MVP, that clutch catch into the stands, a .315 career average, a Gold Glove and a walk-off home run against them? Or could he still not carry Nomar's jock?

• Mike Mussina could give up 12 runs on 34 hits (and it's likely, considering I'm going to the Stadium on Wednesday) and I would still be thrilled with what we saw from the Yanks' top three starters. Then again, Javier Vazquez was an All-Star last year and a Suicide Bomber in October, so I know to take it one series victory at a time.

• Considering their respective Opening Day performances, I would give 10% more in city tax if Mayor Bloomberg could mandate a Randy Johnson-Pedro Martinez showdown at Shea Stadium next month. My man had better be thinking about more than mango trees when he's in the box against the Bombers.

• I'm not overly optimistic about Giambi, Tino Martinez and Bernie Williams. It's early, I know. And I'll still be sporting the No. 51 jersey all season long. But I see the over/under on all of their batting averages strictly at .265.

Today's Sports Links:

• Knicks Fans Salute Miller in Garden Finale — I didn't get a chance to see this game, but I was glad to read that the New York crowd chanted "Reg-gie! Reg-gie!" at the end of the game. Miller was the perfect villian, a guy you loved to hate, but one who respected playing at MSG in front of a passionate Knicks crowd. And the tension remained completely on the court. Happy trails, ya skinny douche.

• Baylor Wins Women's Hoops Title By 22 — Did anyone TiVo this? No? Thought so.

• Video: Jimmy Snuka on Piper's Pit — You wanna be a big shot? Have a banana! Have a coconut!

• Johnny Damon's Wedding Photo Album — And if she's lucky, he'll cheat on her, too.

• Early 2005-06 College Hoops Rankings — I'd be more physched about ESPN.com's No. 22 ranking for Syracuse if they didn't trump the return of Demetris Nichols, who averaged 3.9 and 4.2 points, respectively, in his first two years.

• More Shining Moments in the NBA — Skip Bayless says you're crazy if you enjoy March Madness more than the NBA Playoffs. I kinda agree. Have you ever watched an NBA game with the sound off? Just watched those guys move? It's incredible. I remember when people debated whether Duke could beat the Clippers. Not that year, not this year, not any year.

• 2003 Syracuse National Champs Multimedia — Includes CBS' One Shining Moment montage that drew some of the loudest cheers at the NYC bar I saw our victory at.

PK.com National Champion: At Least It's Not Purdue!

Just before the NCAA Tournament started, I changed my final pick of Illinois over North Carolina, because I didn't want to be like everyone else. So much for that idea: I finished 69th out of 76 who actually made picks. Thanks for nothing to Oklahoma State, Wake Forest, UConn and Duke.

Couple that with my alma mater's first-round knockout to a team of Catamounts, and this tourney was like a three-week kick in the nuts. Trying to teach Kevin Millar how to use utensils would have been less painful.

However, there are some who find themselves happier than Roy Williams getting French kissed by Dean Smith, and I like to call these people the top finishers in the PK.com 2005 NCAA Tournament Pool.

Our top five, who all picked UNC as eventual champ, are:

1. At Least It's Not Purdue, A. McGuire
2. Sex Panthers, R. Burgundy
3. New York DSilverNY, D. Silversten
4. East Texas Moosebumps, J. Woodworth
5. NY O's Rock, B. Gould

As promised, the top three will get some cheap prizes, ribbons and a signed certificate of honor. So, Messrs. McGuire and Silversten, e-mail me your favorite sports teams and I'll see what I have to send you.

Mr. Burgundy, whom I've known since the ninth grade, will receive one free Yanks-O's ticket when we hit Camden Yards in couple of weeks. (On the condition he admits the obvious: that Anchorman was a pile of crap.)

Thanks to everyone for participating. I'd like to do a player pick 'em for the NBA playoffs, so if you see a link for that let me know.

Ka-Boomer! Yankees on Track for 162-0

"I'm goin' back on the streets. And everything's gonna be just like it used to be."
Fly Guy, I'm Gonna Git You Sucka

And so it is with the Yankees, who kicked off the 2005 baseball season with a 9-2 thrashing over the Red Sux, the third-worst Opening Day defeat by a World Series champion.

Some thoughts on the game:

• Who's idea was it to have a moment of silence for a Polish Pope by 54,818 American baseball fans that, collectively, committed a half million sins before, during and after the game? Did they honor him before WrestleMania XXI, too? Or would that not have made sense?

• Nice to see David Wells back in the Bronx. I mean, it was really, really nice. Too bad he couldn't stay longer. In Boston, he's probably about as popular as the clap right now.

• Nice beads in Manny Ramirez' hair. Who helped him with that, an 8-year-old girl on vacation in Orlando?

• Yogi "Wild Thing" Berra's ceremonial first pitch: Juuuuust a bit outside! Looked like Jorge Posada called for a fastball and got a pitchout. Last time I saw a throw like that Alex Rodriguez was smartly tagging up from second base on Manny's arm.

• So it is possible to get David Ortiz out? I had no idea.

• That Camera-Gate stuff with Randy Johnson sure was a good use of time, no? I'm just now learning what the longest time in the world is. It's the four-day wait till he takes the mound again. Hey, Satan Randy, those two stakes you drove through my heart don't even hurt anymore!

• Pre-game colors were presented by the West Point Glee Club. You can imagine the spring break stories those guys must have.

• Every starter except Ruben Sierra reached base at least twice. So many people were getting to second base I thought I was back in a Montreal strip club.

• So that was it? That was the Offseason of Hell? Piece o' cake, man. Now I can reveal what I thought would have been the greatest payback by Sux fans. You dinks should've staged your own mock parade up the Canyon of Heroes, replete with pained cars and Boston flags. Apart from the rocks being thrown through your windows it would have been hilarious. Well, there's always 2090.

• I'm going to Wednesday's Game 3 (Tim Wakefield vs. Mike Mussina). Supposed to be 65 and partly cloudy, with a chance of sweep.

Today's Sports Links:

• New York State of Mind — A new group blog by five Bombers backers which debuted a little late for inclusion on my list of essential sites for Yankees fans. Good luck to them, and if I may offer some help ... it's OK to delete a first test post once a site is deemed to be running properly!

• ESPN.com's 100 Best Games in the Last 10 Years — By ranking Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS, in which the Red Sox staved off a sweep, at No. 1, ESPN.com has its lips firmly planted on the asses of Yankees haters everywhere. How 'bout a Schilling vs. Clemens duel in Game 7 of the 2001 World Series, in which a dynasty was terminated and a championship was won on a walkoff hit? Or Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS, what with the late-inning rally and walk-off homer? But cutting a league-championship series to 3-1 in a game that, while great, wasn't markedly better than the other two with significantly more on the line? C'mon, already.

• Yanks-Sox, Chapter 102 — Bill Simmons writes of the rivalry, "We need them, they need us." Not exactly. As evidenced in the Top 100 games above, we played classics against the Braves, Mets, Mariners, D-Backs, etc. We need them like The Beatles need an opening act.

• ESPN's 'Expert' Predictions on 2005 Season — Suppose you went to Jim Caple's house and said, "Jim, gimme four AL teams that are gonna make the playoffs. If any of them miss, you lose this house." Do you think he'd say, "Red Sox, Twins, A's and Indians" as he does here?

The Great PK.com Apartment Clearance Sale

I'm not smart enough to understand all the tax laws. But, according to my accountant, I make off better this year if I sell some stuff out of my apartment, even below their worth, as long as I get it done in the next couple of weeks. And I guess it doubles as a bit of spring cleaning, since a lot of this stuff is sitting around collecting dust anyway.

I'm too lazy to build a ton of eBay listings and waiting a week for auctions to end, so here's a short list of available items (and a link to a longer "catalog") you c