PaulKatcher.com

Jose Canseco and Bronson Pinchot Walk Into a Bar...

If Balki from Perfect Strangers can soon bench press a car, we'll know who to blame.

That's because Jose Canseco and Bronson Pinchot are two of the new roommates on the fifth season of The Surreal Life, which started shooting on Monday. (In other words, after the Congressional hearings, so someone had better ask Can-Sucko is he was able to smell the dump Mark McGwire took in his pants that day.)

Rounding out the cast: model Janice Dickinson, Sandy Denton (Pepa from Salt-n-Pepa), model Caprice, motocross star Carey Hart and former Apprentice wanna-be Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth.

Not exactly Murderer's Row right there. Compared the them, Peter Brady and Mini-Me are A-listers.

I've never heard of Dickinson or Hart. Never seen Omarosa. And I still get nightmares from the "Whatta Man" video, in which Pepa soaks nude in a tub, rappin' 'bout how her man comes home and gets "relaxed with Pep." Though I do know one part of my body that would remain relaxed around Pep.

At least Caprice Bourret is really fucking hot.

Today's Sports Links:

• Sports Illustrated's MLB Souting Reports — The mag picks Yanks over Braves in the World Series. Hey, wouldn't be the first time. The Orioles have got to same some whack-ass pitching to rank only 19th out of 30. (Just checked. Yeah, they do.)

• Dodgers Up 43-Year Season-Ticket Holder's Bill 500% — Since Day 1 at Dodger Stadium in 1962, Irving Zeiger had front-row seats behind the home dugout. Then came a $120,000 bill — $100,000 more than expected — after minor Stadium reconfiguration pushed the dugout four rows closer to the field. (Found on Tony Pierce's blog)

• Video: Basketball Player Knocks Out Referee — An old clip from a game in Uruguay. Two hits: player's fist hits ref's jaw; ref's head hits court. (Thanks, Shumpy)

• Marvin Harrison Accused of 'Potentially Deadly Choke Hold' on Kid Autograph-Seeker — I know the Colts are perfectly capable of choking, but Harrison might be the last guy in any sport I'd expect to join two men in "attacking" three boys seeking autographs. If true, expect a trade to the Ravens before the draft.

• Using Win Shares to Study MLB's Biggest Deals of All Time — A Hardball Times feature calculates a 1984 trade involving the Yankees as the biggest-ever swap of talent, in terms of combined career win shares of all players involved.

• The NBA's All-Time All-Ugly Team — Sam Cassell phone home! Talking face, not game here. But if we were, it would be a double-double for Gheorghe Muresan. I mean, Shawn Bradley used to hang with him just so he could pick up chicks.

• The Mattingly Letters — The Greatest Living Ball Player is also The Greatest Living Writer? Not really, but some funny spoofs of letters Don Mattingly may have written to his high school sweetheart. "Hey, it's Don. I'm hitting .378 and I found a girl that can do that tongue thing just like you, only better. I also have a mustache now. The chicks dig it."

• ESPN.com Page 2's 'What If' Tourney? — Seems everyone is doing this "let's pretend no one left for the NBA early" game, and I guess this one is the best version. Enjoy those G'Town-Villanova anniversary highlights on Friday, 'cause no team will ever again match the mystique of th '85 Hoyas. You'll just never see a guy like Ewing terrorize opponents year after year, making three championship-game appearances.

• Keith Hernandez's NYC Apartment Listing, With Photos — Almost $2.5 million and only two bedrooms? New York real estate is out of fucking control.

Happy 25th Anniversary, Rotisserie Baseball

This Sunday is the start of the baseball season and also the quarter-century anniversary of a time when Mike Schmidt could be signed for $30. Of course, his mom could still be had for $20. (Rim shot!)

That's right, fantasy baseball turns 25 this weekend, and its birth place, of course, is New York.

"Rotisserie" baseball has long since been replaced by "fantasy" baseball, but it was originally named after "La Rotisserie Francaise," the NYC eatery where then-Sports Illustrated scribe Daniel Okrent met with other bushy-haired nerds who adopted the game plan.

Unlike my fantasies — which don't include Jeff Kent's porn 'stache — Okrent & Co. dreamt of playing baseball GMs, drafting and trading players who might someday inject enough 'roids to hit 70+ home runs, while concocting such ratios as WHIP (Walks + Hits Per Innings Pitched) and HBB (Hot Broads Banged, of which Derek Jeter and Barry Zito are the all-time leaders).

ESPN The Magazine, whose executive editor, Steve Wulf, was an original member of the Rotisserie clan, recently did a feature on the 25th anniversary, but I can't find it online. So you'll have to pay the $1.99 annual rate for 26 issues of the print version.

Of course, the greatest piece ever written on fantasy sports was done by me, when I recalled The Luckiest Fantasy Sports Seasons Ever in both baseball and football. If you had 'em (Brady Anderson, 1996), you were buying lottery tickets with their uniform numbers. If you didn't (Kurt Warner, 1999), you were pulling your hair out.

Rotisserie Baseball Links:

• USA Today: At 25, A Hobby That Enthralls Millions

• The Honolulu Advertiser: Everyone Can Play It

• USA Today's Fantasy Baseball Stats/Coverage

The Real Estate Midgets Are Here!

Nothing says easy money like dwarfs in infomercials. So I'm pleased to announce that John and Greg Rice, the dressed-alike midgets who you may have seen hawk Cash Flow Generator on late-night TV, are in the New York area to help you, um, grow, your net worth with real-estate advice so fool-proof that even they're gonna adopt it once they get done starring in infomercials.

Just take a look at these testimonials:

"My life changed the day I stopped listening to the MORONS and started listening to MORE CFG!"
Bill Barnett

"I made $18,500 on my first deal. I couldn't believe it! This is how much I make in a whole year working. And it was that easy."
Unidentified guy with porn 'stache on home page

Face it, if you can't trust Bill Barnett, who can you listen to these days?

The only bad thing is now I'm torn between sending my life's savings to them or Erik Estrada, who can been seen hawking Florida swamp land on a competing channel.

Today's Web Finds:

• Rocky Soundboard — Ay, yo, you gotta, like, uh, check this out or somethin'. Now with 50% less consonants! (Recommendation: "I'm afraid" on the bottom right. Try not to laugh. Seriously, try.)

• Ric Flair Soundboard — It ain't all "Whoooooo!' ya know. Some funny stuff from the guy who seems ready to blow a gasket on every quote.

• When Not to Hyphenate — Jay Leno's wet dream: wedding announcements of awkward-sounding couples. Like "Dunnam-Favors," "Kuntz-Dick," "Wacker-Dailey" and "Pullen-Wood." (Thanks, Amanda)

• 100 Greatest TV Theme Songs — Another dynamite RetroCrush feature. As much as I want to see the entire city of Boston engulfed in flames, there's no way the theme from Cheers is only 42. (Easy guitar chords to that one.) Also see the RetroCrush Guy's audio on his versions of classic theme songs. "Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum!"

• T-Shirt Hell's Latest T-Shirts — You talk about an easy business plan. Just come up with a crazy tag-line like "I Support Single Moms" or " "Could You Come Back in a Few Beers?" Are you reading this, Erik Estrada?

• BruceVideos.com — Download some bootleg video clips of Bruce Springsteen's live performances. If only he had two midgets to teach him about real estate, he never would've had to have played that god-damned guitar. (Thanks, Don)

• Melissa Ann's New Photos — This fitness model never answered my questions after agreeing to do an interview (not the first, by the way) but I won't hold that against you. Enjoy.

• The Biggest Forehead on Earth — Just a pic I came across randomly. Am I wrong?

Holy Pittsnogle! What an NCAA Hoops Weekend

If nothing else, at least Syracuse got the ball rolling for everyone else.

The 2005 NCAA Tournament started out as the Sominex Invitational — one-and-a-half days of boring-ass games with endless double-digit margins of victory. Then impossible-to-guard Hakim Warrick turned the ball over 10 times, while Gerry McNamara auditioned for the lead role in Airball: The John Starks Story against f'ing Vermont, and the games have been great ever since.

Watching all these Instant Classics with my nose pressed up against the window is like being the designated driver at a Kid Rock Mardi Gras party. I haven't felt such pain since Kevin Elster hit .000 for the 1994 Yankees — 0-for-20 if you're counting at home.

Some random thoughts on the tourney...

• "You've Been Pittsnogled!" is too good of a line to give up simply because Kevin Pittsnogle and West Virginia are out. It kinda reminds me of when you get cockblocked by some hottie's ugly friend, but I think it fits better with when there's an empty seat next to you on a plane or bus and you're praying to god no one comes ... and then you see a chunkmonster waddling your way. "Dude, you've been Pittsnogled!"

• I wonder if there was a vigil at ESPN when Duke lost. I can picture Dick Vitale delivering (no, wait, it's not delivery) the eulogy, saying that he would give anything to share one more DiGiorno's pizza with the 2004-05 Blue Devils.

• Did Patrick Sparks (image) play for Kentucky all season, or did the Wildcats team bus stop for gas and pick up the first attendant they found? (I expect to take some shit for that crack when the state of Kentucky gets Internet access.)

Sparks probably should've been on the line to take the most pressure-packed free throw in regional final history. He was straight-up fouled on his game-tying 3-pointer at the end of regulation. I know you can't really make that call in that spot, but he was fouled.

• That traveling call on Villanova's Allan Ray was the biggest Philadelphia ripoff since my friend paid $8 for a cheesesteak that gave him the runs. Hell, Patrick Ewing made that move every day for 20 years. The only difference here was that Ray didn't leave a gallon of sweat on the court.

• You know a college hoops championship is exceedingly hard to capture when even a monster program like Duke has "just" three titles, while North Carolina has just two since 1957 and Kansas has one since 1952. That's why Illinois fans have got to be crazy anxious. Opportunities like this just don't come around every year, not for anyone.

Other Sports Ruminations:

• What other sports? Baseball can't get here soon enough. And how come I haven't seen any hockey highlights on SportsCenter? Shouldn't they be on between 11:57-11:59 p.m.?

• Oh, here's one. I have eight pretty good seats for Yankees at Baltimore on Saturday, April 16. Game starts at 4:35 p.m., but my friends are being pusses. So if anyone wants to road trip, or if you live in the Baltimore area and want the tix, e-mail me.

• Rented Mr. 3000 the other day, or as I like to call it, Anchorman With Base Paths. How long did they work on that script? Like 20 minutes?

Today's Sports Links:

• NBAdraft.net's 2005 Mock Draft — North Carolina freshman Marvin Williams, the team's fifth-leading scorer is projected as the top pick. Why does that sound so wrong to me? Bring back 1980s college hoops! This is ridiculous.

• HoopsHype.com's 2005 Mock Draft — Martynas Andriuskevicius from Zalgiris Kaunas (Lithuania) is projected as the top pick. All of a sudden, the Marvin Williams pick sounds normal. Both mock drafts have Hakim Warrick going in the 20s. Why can't I understand any of this?

• Sports TV Theme Songs — An assortment of '80s era audio clips, including Monday Night Football and, my favorite, This Week in Baseball.

• Eleven Indiana University of Pennsylvania Football Players Charged in Attack — A frightening story about a mob that broke into a college student's residence to retaliate after their friend was involved in a fight. Jail time, anyone? (Thanks, Art)

• Michael Finley goes 8-for-8 in 3-Pointers — Figuring a 33% chance of hitting any individual shot from downtown, Finley's odds of going 8-for-8 in a game were 1 in 6,561.

Photos: New York Public Library

My small gallery of photos from a trip to the New York Public Library are kinda crappy, but I'm real proud of the lead pic, which I think is of the Bill Blass Public Reading Room.

Never has such an assortment of colors and nerds blended so well.

• New York Public Library Website — Check it, man. There are some kick-ass (and free) exhibitions and classes all across the city's various libraries.

Yanks and Sox Shouldn't Shake Hands, Fans Should Get Lives

Did Sgt. Slaughter and the Iron Sheik ever shake hands? No. At least not publicly. And neither should the Yankees and Red Sox. At least not publicly.

So, to the students in Massachusetts who are requesting a pregame handshake between the rival teams, I say worry about more important things, like taking the advice of A League of Their Own manager Jimmy Dugan and avoiding the clap.

Part of the reason the kids are hoping for a sign of peace is that students themselves were "relentlessly taunting each other." Well, who's fault is that? Not the players'. A few of them have done some unsportsmanlike things in the heat of this rivalry, but I'd put their ability to keep their emotions in check way, way higher than the fans.

Yes, there have been a couple of on-field fights in the last two years. Wanna bet there were 50 times as many in the stands?

Look, I play the role of Yankee propagandist here, but this is my space, to be enjoyed by my friends and strangers who (hopefully) understand my sensibility. I don't taunt anyone, simply because I don't log onto your computer and type in my URL. You do.

And I don't go to Red Sox sites and post venomous graffiti. That's the difference between enjoying your own team with your own friends in your own hometown and being a Grade A asshat.

We don't give 1/10th as much of a crap about any opposing team as they do us. That's a straight-up fact. When I saw regular-season games at Wrigley in 2003 and Camden Yards at 2004, I was amazed at how on-edge the crowds were. Like the Hell's Angels had just arrived at their family picnic. When the home team did something good, the fans' immediate reactions were not to high-five friends but to look around for Yankees fans to taunt. Somewhere in our 10-year postseason streak, other cities forgot about the "root, root, root for the home team" part. Hell, does anyone know what Jim Caple's favorite team is?

But these fools are easy to deal with. They think the 2004 World Series was the worst time of our lives. Maybe it was, kinda like the year Bill Gates' net worth dropped to $40 billion. In fact, the night the Sox beat the Cardinals, me and some friends hoisted shot after shot, thanking the Babe and 86 good years. We actually had a blast.

I meet people from Boston and they go from "hello" to mentioning the 2004 World Series in three seconds. "How did it feel? How did it feel?" Well, not good, but we didn't have grown men cry like you dinks in 2003.

Plus, you just say something like, "Was it a best-of-seven like the 26 we won?" or "Nice World Series champs t-shirt ... I have four at home just like it" or "Yeah, it sucked not making the World Series for the seventh time in nine years."

And if that exchange turns from laughs into something truly confrontational, then you're too stupid for words. And Mariano Rivera shaking hands with Johnny Damon ain't gonna solve any of that.

Today's Sports Links:

• SU Hoops: Clouds of Doubt Hang Over '05-06 — Mike Waters of the Syracuse Post-Standard on how the orange shape up next season. Lots more questions than answers, peeps. Especially since our best returning player, Gerry McNamara, really struggled for much of this past season. There is one Diaper Dandy coming in, though.

• 1965 Autographed Braves Ball Goes for $515 on eBay — May not mean anything to you, but I have one at home, in great condition, and bought for $100 one Christmas season in the late-'80s. I guess I just thought it was a good value with Hank Aaron, Eddie Matthews and Phil Niekro on it.

• Mike and the Mad Dog Interview Congressman Chris Shays about the Steroid Hearings — Scroll down and listen to the March 18 audio where they just blast the guy. Screaming, bullying, insulting, cutting him off. Doing everything that drives me nuts about WFAN's most-popular show. Just a downright uncomfortable segment.

• Phil Mushnick on That Fraud Schilling — The New York Post crumudgen comes away from the hearings with the same take I did on Ketchup Sock: "Curt Schilling, Thursday, proudly accepted a position on a Congressional drug task force, declaring he wants to get to the bottom of the problem. Then he called Canseco a liar for claiming that there's a significant problem. Then Schilling said that if there's a problem, it's a tiny one. How'd you like to hire the Curt Schilling Detective Agency? Psst, Curt. That big guy seated to your right, Mark McGwire, the guy who destroyed the home-run record. He just refused to answer drug questions. Two-plus-two, Curt, do the math."

• The Thinking Man's Sports Trivia Gauntlet — From SportsLinkCentral.com, a bunch of great trivia questions that require some thought and a bar stool. For example, Who are the last five Most Outstanding Players of the men's NCAA basketball tournament — all in the last 20 years — who went on to be top-5 selections in a future NBA Draft? (Answers)

• Best Sports Bars in NYC — The Daily News picked up the slack where Sports Illustrated failed. (Thanks, Ayan)

• Syracuse University Cheerleader Faces Murder Charges — Eh, I can't even make an obvious joke. Just not right, man.

• AP Survey: Bonds In, McGwire Out of Hall — Mark McGwire pulled a Pete Rose last week, and he just might match his fate. McGwire was considered Hall-worthy for one reason and one reason only: power. And yet he won't talk under oath about where that power came from.

• Haslett Says '70s Steelers Made Steroids Popular in NFL — Jim's like Jose Canseco with an average coaching record. But what do I know? Back then I was trying not to urinate in my Underoos.

• Damn! It's the Yankees — The Sporting News' Ken Rosenthal, who says he "hates picking them," goes with the obvious pick to win the 2005 World Series. As much as I appreciate the selection, I'm only linking to it because I feel bad that no one actually reads The Sporting News anymore.

• The Madness of King George — A new blog about the Yankees that I wish I'd learned about before I wrote my 26 essential websites for Yankees fans, for this simple reason: a lot of those sites suck ass and I was just trying to fill out the list.

Link Dump: The Mickelson 'Ohhhhh' Photos

I just want to throw out some links I've been saving for some time. Whatever I can do to get you through the work day, ya know.

• Farkers Photoshop Phil Mickleson in Disbelief — Some funny visual riffs on the photo that's gonna haunt Lefty for years. Still can't believe the wires crossed that one.

• Pat O'Brien Checks Into Rehab After Obscene Phone Messages Made Public — The Defamer has all the details on this situation, which makes that Joe Namath pass at Suzy Kolber seem like he was just talking football. Coke, hookers, cunnilingus ... the audio has it all.

• Someone Buys Google Ads for 'Lizadies' — I was cracking up to a classic Spoonie Luv Crank Yankers call, and I decided to Google the word "lizadies" just to see what would show up. Anyway, there are two ads for personals sites on the right. Which means there are companies out there targeting people who actually use the word "lizadies." Have a little fun with the Spoonie Luv soundboard including, "I want to bust a double-horizontal on your asssss."

• Take Pictures: The Blog of Photographer Clay Enos — Clay's the best photographer I know, so make sure to also check out his online portfolio. Oh, and if I introduce you to him on a booze cruise, try not to throw up in his apartment.

• eBay Seller Has 119,795 Feedback Points — Wow, you know you're doing some business when you have 2,504 negative feedbacks and are still pulling in a 98% approval rating.

• Adrianne Curry Photoshoot in Maxim — She's neck-and-neck with Brittny Gastineau as my newest crush, even though I think they look much better on TV. A man cannot survive on Alyssa Milano alone.

• The Bimmer Beamer BMW Chick — Photos of a Homework Hottie (my just made-up euphamism for college-age-looking chick) who goes nuts over Bavarian Motor Works. Hmmm, I wonder if I know anyone who drives one. Though I'd rather poke my eye out than use my car to get girls. Seriously.

• Sidewalk Chalk Guy — Amazing 3D-looking sidewalk art by some guy in an undisclosed city. (Found on Jadedgrrl)

• Ann Coulter 9-11 Quote White T-Shirt — God, this woman scares the shit out of me. I saw on another site where she was defined as "Single. Sexy. Smart." I almost died. This woman would bite off your balls and serve them to you for lunch. All for reading The New York Times. That's sexy? (Thanks, Larry)

• Natural History of the Chicken ... on DVD! — This PBS special on cock aired the other night, and I wondered under what circumstances I would ever watch this. I would rather see Meredith Baxter-Birney and Judith Light co-host a ballet awards show on the Oxygen network, with special performances by Clay Aiken and Sam Harris.

• JewBay: The Auction Site of the Chosen People — Can't really see myself bidding on anything here. Maybe a Sarah Michelle Geller, but that's about it. Here's an Amazon.com list of Gorgeous Jewish Actresses and Singers. (Thanks, Shumpy)

• The Office Sounds Page — I've never seen the show, but I'm sure a lot of you will get some use out of these downloads. (Thanks, Wilson)

• Red or Blue, Which Are You? — A Slate quiz on that tests your knowledge of such things as Wal-Mart and Broadway musicals. My results were split down the middle, which means I actually know things about Middle America, or I'm really stupid about my current surroundings. Or maybe the quiz just sucks. (Thanks, Tim)

26 Essential Sites for Yankees Fans

Before the NCAA Tournament is even over, Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer will dig into the box at glorious Yankee Stadium — in a uniform that may or may not have been washed since last season — and Randy Johnson will deliver the first pitch of the 2005 baseball season.

And on that Sunday night, April 3, baseball fans everywhere will feel like kids on Christmas morning. Some of you will be getting coal (or worse, David Wells) and some of us, meaning Yankees fans, will be getting a $200 million present with a five-time Cy Young Award winner included.

I kid. I kid. After last year's postseason disaster, when the Yankees failed to reach their seventh World Series in Joe Torre's nine years as manager, I learned a lesson in humility.

Cubs fans, White Sox fans, Indians fans — whoever you are and whatever losers you root for — I know exactly how you feel.

You're probably asking yourself, Will my team win an eighth straight division title? Will we make the playoffs for the 11th straight year? Is 40 American League championships doable? Is 27 World Series titles even legal?

With a positive attitude and great web links, anything is possible. Here are 26 must-bookmark destinations for Yankees fans. The rest of you peasants are on your own. See y'all in October.

1. Yankees.com Schedule — Gotta start with the basics: who are we playing and when are we beating them? White boxes mean away games, blue boxes mean home games, and NYM means half the crowd will be cheeseballs from Queens.

2. ESPN.com's Baseball Scoreboard — You need only one bookmark for scores, and my theory is to check 'em all after Opening Day and see which one you like best. My money's on ESPN.com to come out on top (again) this year.

3. Karen Bischer's Blog — Spreading Yankees cheer in Hoboken, N.J., one of my top 10,000 favorite cities in America, Karen not only drank the Bronx Bomber Kool-Aid, she pretty much swims in it. My guess is if there was a guy named Pagliarulo in her high school, she would have asked him to the prom.

4. Bronx Banter — Part of the Baseball Toaster portal, Alex Belth's blog is part news and part opinion, family friendly and kinda dry. I'd say it's perfect for Republicans and box seat ticket holders. In other words, about 12 people who come to my site.

5. Aaron Gleeman's Blog — Aaron's a Twins fan, but most of his baseball observations and stat analyses are a festivus for the rest of us. Bonus points for an easy-going writing style and helping me pimp out my ESPN.com stuff.

6. Baseball Reference — The most user-friendly, addictive baseball database ever created. Newest additions to the site include leaderboards for at-bats per strikeout, Hall of Famers by position, multiple winners for each award and leaderboards for award shares.

7. YES Network's Yankees Page — Coming soon: the Suzyn Waldman swimsuit page!

8. New York Post Sports Section — Even though the rest of the paper is a pile of crap, I still think it's the best sports section in New York.

9. Retrosheet — Famous for decades' worth of box scores, the site also has a Top Performances section where you can learn things like Shawn Green holds the record for most home runs in a five-game span (9) and Luis Tiant twice pitched 40+ consecutive innings of scoreless ball.

10. Replacement Level Yankees Weblog — Larry Mahnken's site has received such high praise as, "After reading all your postings and daily weblog, I believe you have truly become the Phil Pepe of this generation. Now this is not necessarily a good thing."

11. SportsSpyder Yankees Filter — Pretty straight-forward sports news filter.

12. SportsBlogs.org Yankees Filter — The latest Yankees-related entries in the sports blogosphere. A blogosphere that pretty much sucks, by the way.

13. Coalition of the Darkside — A group blog that even has a couple of chick writers. After reading Jason's post on Great Disasters in Mets History, I'd say the site has promise.

14. Pride of the Yankees Weblog — Your run-of-the-mill daily news roundup.

15. ESPN.com's Yankee Clubhouse — A collection of current Yankee data and headlines, plus salaries, a stadium profile and latest wire photos.

16. Yankees Ticket Posts on Craig's List — Remember, someone always gets sick or has to work late. If you need one or two ducats, this is definitely the way to go. And, it being Craig's List, you might even find a dope-smoking tranny to go with.

17. Yankees Search on eBay — Over 20,000 items, from tickets to apparel to memorabilia. You bid on items and some a-hole with a bot beats you with two seconds left.

18. Which New York Yankee Are You? — I'm Tino Martinez, because, "You're loved by all, no matter if they hate you or support you and your cause. Within your group you're a great friend, always trying to do your best and come up big when it counts. You're glad to come back to a familiar place, and will do what you can to make the most of it. People believe magical things can happen now that you're in town." What bullshit that is.

19. Futility Infielder — Jay Jaffe's baseball journal includes Confessions of a Yankee Fan.

20. NYYfans.com — Original postings with a Yankees slant.

21. Win Your Way to the Yankees' Home Opener — George M. Steinbrenner III is holding a sweepstakes, and the reward is the Big Unit's debut.

22. Pinstripes Plus — Focusing on the Yankees' minor-league teams and players, which I didn't even know we still had. When I think of a Yankees farm system, I think of Japan, Cuba and the American League West.

23. The Weblog That Derek Built — So I guess when he's not banging supermodels, Derek Jeter is looking for freelance HTML work.

24. Baseball Futures Odds — The Yanks are heavy favorites to win the World Series, of course. My guess is that they've been the preseason favorite every year since 1997.

25. Best Seinfeld Sports Moments — Lots of Yankees stuff in this ESPN.com Page 3 piece. Plus, the author is like the greatest dude in the world or something.

26. Greatest World Series-Winning Teams Ever — Three Yankees teams lead this TIME.com feature on the most formidable teams that got the job done in October. Plus, the author is like the greatest dude in the world or something.

And wait ... one more for good luck in 2005!

27. Empire Strikes Back 2005 T-Shirts — To quote Flyguy from I'm Gonna Git You Sucka: We're going back on the streets. And everything's gonna be just like it used to be.

Beat This Caption: Flying Bat

"Fans attending an exhibition game at Guantanamo Bay react to a souvenir being tossed in their direction after a suspected terrorist received the ceremonial first ass-reaming of the season."

(To beat this caption, post a comment below.)

Newspaper Error Leaves Lottery 'Winners' Punk'd

What's the only feeling emptier than scratching off a worthless lottery game ticket? Scratching off a worthless lottery ticket that, thanks to a printing error, isn't worth the $100,000 you thought it was.

That's exactly what happened to thousands of New York Daily News readers who played Saturday's Scratch n' Match sweepstakes game — and thought they held the day's only grand-prize-winning ticket. Not only did they make plans to spend the booty, but some went out and partied hard — no doubt dropping coin on some booty.

The Daily News admitted the error in Sunday's paper, pretty much telling the unlucky winners, "No dice."

As stated in the Official Rules, if an error causes more prizes to be claimed than are intended to be awarded for any prize level, the actual recipients of those prizes will be determined in a random drawing of valid game pieces.

No doubt this is the best thing to hit the New York Post newsroom since Rush Limbaugh admitted addiction to pain killers er, weapons of mass distruction weren't found in Iraq er, Ann Coulter insisted (incorrectly) that Canada sent troops to Vietnam er, Bill O'Reilly answered an e-mail from Jack Mehoffer er, there was a HEADLESS BODY IN TOPLESS BAR.

Again, let's do the math: $100,000 x several thousands = $0. And I thought Syracuse fans had a bad weekend.

I bet this search for "scratch+match" on Craig's List is gonna produce some pretty hilarious posts from those wackos. I'm sure someone's gonna offer a free body rub to any stressed-out almost-winning female with a stash of 420.

Did you know you can buy prank scratch-off tickets (every one's a winner) to give as gag gifts? Dude, you could do some damage with a pack of those and a hidden video camera.

Other New York Links:

• Best of New York 2005 — Winning venues, services and restaurants from New York magazine. Results are sorted by neighborhood, so you can see what's hip and happenin' in my 'hood, the fashionable and exclusive Upper West Side, home to Yogi's, my favorite bar and one of the biggest shitholes I've ever stepped foot in.

• New York City Walk — Caleb Smith walked every street of Manhattan over a period of 2 ½ years, and he's got the pictures and stories to prove it. For example, he revisits the subway grate from The Seven-Year Itch.

• New York Changing: Images — Really cool pictures of city landmarks, taken decades apart and displayed side-by-side.

• One Leg Up — A community/events site that bills itself as "working relentlessly to offer everyone the most salacious soirees in NY ... We have thrown an sensual-themed soiree every month for nearly five years. These soirees are geared towards those individuals who want to free themselves from the remaining puritan values you had forgotten that still exist inside you."

• Mayor Bloomberg Announces $254 Million Economic Impact of The Gates on New York City — I guess that ambitious, but ultimately disappointing (to me) art exhibit was worth pimping out Central Park. Found on New York City's Official Tourism Website, which includes a cool statistics page with total number of restaurants (17,312), yearly subway riders (1.3 billion) and number of Asians in the borough of Queens alone (391,500).

• Tuttle Agency Commercials — If you live in New York, you've no doubt been haunted by the old lady who assures people, "I will help you get a job. And you can get a job!" Apparently, they're intentionally bad. To which I say, you guys are doing a great job.

• Fishbowl NY — Elizabeth Spiers, who I believe wrote Gawker.com when it rose to fame, co-edits this similar blog from MediaBistro.com.

18 Again: SU's Final Four Hopes Dashed in First Round

My first taste of Syracuse hoops in the NCAA Tournament came right after I turned 18 years old, in 1991 as a second-semester freshman enrolled at the Harvard of Central New York. (Yeah, I was young. As a 4-year-old, I was promoted from pre-kindergarten to kindergarten midway through the year. Apparently, I was a master at fitting round pegs into round holes. Or maybe I just didn't piss my pants as much as the other kids.)

Anyway, that freshman year we averaged over 29,000 fans per game — about 150% the capacity of Madison Square Garden — in the Carrier Dome. Ranked as high as No. 4 with Billy Owens — up there with Alonzo Mourning and LaPhonso Ellis as the greatest college players I've ever seen live — we were seeded second in the 1991 NCAA Tournament against Richmond.

We lost. The first team to lose to a 15-seed. It was devastating.

There's nothing in sports quite like watching a NCAA Tournament game on the campus of one of the participants. Unlike in New York, a megalopolis so diverse that it seems no event can truly grip the city, campuses like SU are squarely focused on the games. The bars are packed, the sound is cranked and everyone — I mean everyone — is rooting for the home team.

Man, I'm glad I wasn't in Syracuse on Friday night. 'Cause I've been there. I remember, after the final buzzer, walking into the hall of our dorm and seeing people slowly bouncing into the walls like punch-drunk boxers. But I imagine it's only the freshmen and sophomores. The juniors and seniors have a different perspective.

Those upperclassmen lived the dream. Something I never experienced, and something I never will: a men's basketball national championship delivered as a student. Syracuse won only three NCAA Tournament games in my four years, half as many as the then-Orangemen won in the 2003 title run alone.

Two of the biggest reasons we lost Friday night were two of the biggest reasons we won in 2003: Hakim Warrick had 10 turnovers and Gerry McNamara shot 4-of-18. Posters in the SU forum are going nuts over the officiating. I thought the hanging-on-the-rim technical on Terrence Roberts was an absolute joke, but I also saw a Vermont team that, despite heaving several air-balls, played some good defense and didn't give G-Mac room to breathe. Big ups to them. Beat UConn one week; lose to Vermont the next. Que cera, cera.

And credit those guys for winning in 2003, else I would not be able to type. Then again, college hoops takes on a different perspective when you're 32 and not 18.

Now you other 62 teams who are gonna lose, hurry up and bite the dust so I don't feel so bad.

Other Sports Links:

• Q&A on McGwire's Steroids Testimony — The guy's a fraud, of that I have no doubt. Big Mac's not the only one, but he's a fraud. I never really drank the McGwire Kool-Aid; I always thought he was some kind of science experiment, but I did experience live one of his most-memorable achievements. I stood on Fenway Park's right-field roof as a media member (FOXSports.com producer) when McGwire belted 13 home runs in the opening round of the 1999 Home Run Derby during the All-Star Game festivities. Each shot looked like it was rocket-propelled, and the Citgo sign seemed to cringe with every blast. I remember standing near Keith Olbermann, who was sitting on a FOX Sports Net makeshift set, cheering with his shoes off like a little kid. But I guess it was all bogus. As I heard someone say on Friday, McGwire's only talent was power. He was a one-tool player, and that tool was illegally enhanced.

• Surrender of a Bashed Brother — Skip Bayless writes about the demise of Mark McGwire's legacy and makes a really good point about Rafael Palmerio — "Either Canseco or Palmeiro is really lying." Still not sure why Curt Schilling was so upset with Canseco. If Ketchup Sock wasn't in the same clubhouses and doesn't himself know the absolute truth, why would he discredit the source? Shouldn't he, as new Steroid Czar, be equally upset with McGwire for providing worthless answers to his new Congressional buddies? Where's the backlash against athletes who dodge questions? Ya know, if it's such a serious issue and all.

• Colon Absorbs Another Pounding — A funny Orange County Register headline that appeared in this month's Maxim. Or maybe it was Stuff. They're all the same anyway.

• Will Perdue a Better Rebounder Than Shaquille O'Neal? — Basketball-Reference.com indexes all-time leaders for Rebound Rate, a stat that measures a player's efficiency in grabbing available rebounds. Note that Rebound Rate is studied only since 1974, so don't have a heart attack when you see Felton Spencer at 64, while Wilt Chamberlain and Bill Russell appear nowhere.

• Yankees Alternate Covers for EA Sports MVP Baseball 2005 — Not a Manny Ramirez fan? Join the club. Print out these homemade covers and slip 'em over that dude's ugly mug.

Green Beer, March Madness, 'Roid Rage, Oh My!

Wow, what a landmark day Thursday is shaping up to be. St. Patrick's Day, the start of the NCAA Tournament and the steroid hearings on Capitol Hill. Some quick thoughts on each.

ST. PATRCIK'S DAY

• I'm not a fan. But Paul, don't you spend half your waking hours in bars? No, I don't. I spend 75%. But I don't like too high of a "worthless" quotient. What's being "worthless?" When you're so out-of-your-mind drunk that you can't speak, can't stand up straight, can't remember something said to you 10 minutes ago, can't ride in a cab without ordering the driver like he's a peasant, can't remember that songs like "Jessie's Girl" and "Walking on Sunshine" are NEVER to be sung by men (let alone danced to), can't finish a beer without dropping it all over the floor, can't conduct a cell-phone conversation without screaming. On St. Patrick's Day, the "worthless" quotient is, as they say in Major League, "too high." (Also see: New Year's Eve)

• Firemen drinking while in uniform really, really bugs me. A few pops, cool. You wanna get blasted with Sully, Smitty and the rest of the 40-year-old frat boys? Then bring a change of clothes and represent yourself, not the city. Not asking anyone to be a saint here. Just don't taint the good guys by acting like a stooge in uniform.

• Primo drinking hours: noon-5 p.m. Pros only, and everyone's on the same plane — building, building, but not yet worthless. After that you start to mix in the suits and other amateurs till every place is packed to the gills ... and you see your first puddle of vomit. Stay out at your own risk.

Links:

• MurhGuide.com's Guide to St. Pat's Events in New York — Sorted by neighborhood, so you can pick a place close enough to stumble home from.

• The History of St. Patrick's Day — Learn about the origins of the hoiday, before it turned into a big pukefest.

• St. Patrick's Day Parade in New York — Thursday will be the 244th consecutive year up Fifth Avenue, beginning at 11 a.m. Now that's pretty cool.

NCAA TOURNAMENT

• The Syracuse bandwagon is strictly standing-room only. I never thought I'd see the Orange as a 4-seed in a region with top-seeded Duke and the media would be favoring us to advance to the Final Four. And people seem to be dismissing the bottom half of that region, even with Kentucky and Oklahoma both seeded higher than the 'Cuse. On Duke's jock: Dick Vitale. Shocker!

• The best tournament in the high-school draftee era? Look, the NCAA tourney is never, ever going to match something like 1983, when we had the likes of Georgetown (with Ewing), North Carolina (with Jordan and Perkins), Houston (with Olajuwon and Drexler), Virginia (with Sampson) and St. John's (with Mullin). But I'm digging the way that, even with everyone picking an Illinois-UNC final, legitimate championship contenders stretch all the way to the 5-seeds, ending right around Georgia Tech. Which is why I'm sticking by my long-held belief that the regional semifinals is the best part of the tournament, not the first couple of days. Eight incredible potential matchups on the horizon.

• I've seen one "expert," Fran Fraschilla, pick top-seeded Washington to get to St. Louis. Haven't seen one pick Kansas. Nor Kentucky. Did you ever think those last two power teams, as 3-seeds, could be considered bracket-busters?

Links:

• ESPN's Expert Final Four Picks — Combined with SI.com and SportsLine.com, we've got 18 "experts." North Carolina (17) is the heavy favorite in the Syracuse region. Florida (1) picks up the only alternative backing. Illinois (12) is the pick in Chicago, with Oklahoma State (6) supported by the rest. In Albuquerque, it's Wake Forest (11), Louisville (4), Gonzaga (3) and Washingon (1). And in Austin, your favorite region and mine, it's Syracuse (10), Duke (6), Oklahoma (1) and Michigan State (1). For the national championship, it's North Carolina (9), Illinois (6), Wake Forest (2) and Syracuse (1). All the ESPN guys pick an ACC school. Shocker!

• ESPN.com's National Bracket — An aggregate of picks made in the bracket pool. Illinois by a nose over UNC for the title. Not that I don't like either team, but I'd love to see 'em both go out early and blow this thing wide open.

• 2005 NCAA Tournament Schedule — This is a must-bookmark page to keep track of all the start times. A second-round game for 'Cuse would come during one of my football games, and I haven't missed a minute of SU tourney play in 15 years. Someone had better be ready for my every-10-minutes cell-phone calls.

• Bracket Look: Snubs, Flubs and What We Learned — I just wanted to throw this link out there, because bad web production drives me crazy. Ya know how some sites link first-mentions of schools to their team pages? Well, FOXSports.com does that on every mention, rendering the piece absolutely unreadable. As a FOX alumnus, I'm horrified ... and not surprised. (Keep close tabs on author Yoni Cohen's college hoops blog during the next couple of weeks, though.)

STEROID HEARINGS ON CAPITOL HILL

• I don't expect fireworks. I think Congress already achieved its goal, which is to knock MLB off its high-horse with its "don't ask, don't tell" policy that basically spit in the public's face. I'm not even sure they're gonna ask Mark McGwire directly if he used illegal substances. And if they do, you'll be able to hear a pin drop before he answers. And you can be sure he's practiced that response in a mirror all week.

• I wonder how Curt Schilling is going to work a dig on A-Rod into his testimony.

• I'm betting Jose Canseco's testimony provides us with some of the funniest baseball moments in history, right up there with Lee Elia's tirade against Cubs fans. Especially if Can-Sucko talks again about how steroids enhanced his sex life and how he shot McGwire in the ass in a bathroom stall.

• Hard to imagine MLB execs getting into much trouble. So they had their suspicions but didn't press the issue. Why would they? What could they do about it anyway? Zip. The Players Association has ruled that roost for decades, man. Unless there's evidence that these guys knew for sure that players were using steroids, then their testimony is quite simple: "Of course, I've noticed a significant change in the body shape of these world-class athletes. I've also noticed an equally significant evolution in advanced training techniques employed by them. I've been very close to these athletes and know the respect they have for their bodies. The thought that any of them would jeopardize their health by ingesting illegal and dangerous substances is not something I thought was feasible. Once we learned a disappointing 7% of players tested positive for steroids, we immediately took action to employ the strictest steroid-testing policy allowed under our agreement with the Players Association."

Links:

• ESPN.com Special Secion: The Steroid Scandal — A single-destination for the latest news and analysis regarding Jose Canseco's wet dream. I don't think Wile E. Coyote wanted to catch the Road Runner as much Canseco wants to take down McGwire.

Bullies Rejoice! 'Wedgie' Added to Webster's Dictionary

Just when you thought "irritable bowel syndrome" was gonna be the best new addition to the Webster's New World College Dictionary, along comes the favorite terrorist technique employed in school gyms across the nation. I am talking, of course, about the "wedgie."

Frankly, I don't know what took so long.

We already have such websites as Rate My Wedgie and WedgieGirls.com, not to mention the home page of Wedgie the Clown (and Magician).

In the Oct. 16, 1991 Seinfeld episode titled "The Library," Jerry and Co. explain the definition of the wedgie:

Elaine: Why do they call it a wedgie?
George: Because the underwear is pulled up from the back and ... it wedges in.
Jerry: They also have an atomic wedgie. Now the goal there is to actually get the waistband on top of the head. Very rare.
Elaine: Boys are sick.
Jerry: Well what do girls do?
Elaine: We just tease someone 'til they develop an eating disorder.

Elsewhere online:
• Buy an atomic wedgie Halloween costume
• Video of massive wedgie prank
• History and types of wedgies

Other News Links:

• Teen Sends Student Semen-Frosted Brownies — Kinda gives "homemade batter" a new meaning, huh? Props to whatever teenage whore detected the secret ingredient after a few people ate them.

• Prof Waxes Lyrical Over The Boss — A SUNY Potsdam professor is offering a political science course titled "Walk Tall: Beauty, Meaning and Politics in the Lyrics of Bruce Springsteen." I'd make fun of it, but I realize four of my college credits came in Skiing and Cooking. (Thanks, Morgan)

• Man Dies After Winning Tequila-Drinking Contest — The "winner," who is no longer eating the worms but vice-versa, drank 50 shots, which is the equivalent of 75 ounces — or more than a six-pack of straight tequila. (Found on Gorilla Mask)

• The Book Stops Here — Wired's lengthy and very interesting feature on Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia that is edited by, well, everyone. Some of whom are addicted, and many of whom have their own battles with pranksters and run-of-the-mill assholes who just don't like to see any well-intentioned project succeed.

• Rewriting Placement History — Warner Bros. Domestic Television Distribution is cutting new deals to graphically insert products into TV sitcom re-runs. (Collective sigh.) I would, however, love to see somebody screw up and see a laptop on Ralph Kramden's kitchen table.

• Timberlake Slammed by Unimpressed O'Jays — I don't think Justin deserves a 100th of the shit he takes (seriously, man, put your resumé against his: accomplishments, money, chicks), but he definitely shouldn't be introducing anyone into the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame. I don't know how he got that gig.

• Top Five Online Scams — There's a lot of crafty, vicious stuff out there, but are you telling me people actually fall for the Nigerian 419 Letter? I really feel bad for those people. They just don't have a chance against the number of dicks out there.

Beat This Caption: Pope at the 'Puter

"The Pope enters his team in the PK.com NCAA Tournament pool, picking 12-18 Oakland as eventual champ, because 'they are due.'

He also plans to enter a Dead Pool, but intends to stay away from 'that one guy whom everyone picks.'"

(To beat this caption, post a comment below.)

P.S. My doorman just congratulated me on Syracuse making the Final Four, so maybe he knows something.

Join the PK.com March Madness Pool

OK, peeps, you have four days to submit an entry into the Official PaulKatcher.com 2005 NCAA Tournament Pool, hosted by ESPN. If you need the password, it's "yanksrule"

If you don't already have an ESPN account, you can register free, just as you would with Yahoo or The New York Times. If this is a new concept to you, you're probably too dumb to win the pool anyway.

Also, this is a pool for the women's tournament. (Kidding, of course.)

I'll mail out prizes out to the top three finishers. The prizes will vary on who actually wins and what that person's favorite teams or interests are. Of this you can be sure: the prizes will be cheap. Put it this way: if I say the winner will get a Corvette, you'd better have a hobby knife and some glue handy.

Ruminations on the sports weekend:

• Last year, Maryland finished its regular season at 16-11, including 7-9 in the ACC. But they won the ACC tournament and, in a period of three days, went from a dud to a shocking 4-seed. So winning a major conference obviously means a lot. This year, Syracuse wins what many believe is the deepest conference's tournament, finishes 27-6 and gets the same 4-seed? I don't think it's a crime that Syracuse didn't get higher, but when you compare it to the gift Maryland got last year or the fact that UConn got a 2 for finishing second in the Big East's regular season and bowing out in the tournament semis ... to Syracuse? C'mon, man.

• Duke finished third in the ACC, but won the tournament: No. 1 seed. Syracuse finishes third in the Big East, but won the tournament: No. 4 seed.

• I don't know whose ass hurts more right now, Louisville or Boston College, but they both got raped by a lead pipe with those 4-seeds.

• Saw some announcers picking the 'Cuse to make it to St. Louis. Jay Bilas, Steve Lavin, and I think Seth Davis and Clark Kellogg did as well. I didn't hear anyone pick Washington to make the Final Four, and I think just about everyone has an Illinois-North Carolina final, no?

• Wasn't it last year when everyone loved Kentucky and Duke and people cried when it was set up that they'd meet in the Final Four but not in the championship game? And then neither even made it to the Final Four? Anyway, kinda reminds me of how everyone is on Illinois and Carolina. Not that they don't deserve the praise, but you know the media likes to bandwagon.

• I keep thinking the steroid mess is baseball is one like one big chain of standing dominoes, and Jose Canseco just tripped the first one.

Today's Sports Links:

• Odds of Each Tourney Team Advancing to Each Round — A cool statistical analysis of which teams are ripe for the Sweet 16 and so on. For example, Illinois is said to have an 85% chance of reaching the second weekend, whereas fellow No. 1 seed Washington has only a 57% chance. Syracuse is said to have a 34% chance, while Michigan State has a 50% chance in the same bracket. I'd disagree with that big difference, for sure.

• Tufts University Offers Class on "The Analysis of Baseball: Statistics and Sabermetrics" — Oh, to be a college student these days. Why couldn't I have been around for Playstation 2, low-rise jeans, downloadable term papers and required reading lists that included Moneyball? I'm gonna have to pull a Thornton Melon in like 20 years.

• Flash Cartoon: Vitale Goes Ape Shit Over March Madness — Ever seen Dookie V. call a game with a farm-tool lodged in his head after a topless midget hits him in the balls with a sledgehammer? I have.

• Media Uses Incorrect RPI Data All Season — SI.com uncovers the error just before Creighton got a No. 1 seed in the Austin bracket. BTW, is there anyone who likes the naming of the regions by city rather than the traditional East, West, Southeast, Southwest way?

• How to Win Your Office Pool — Some new ideas in this new-common article you find every Monday after the brackets come out.

• The What If? 2004-05 All-American Team — How the three All-America Teams would have looked like if guys like Carmelo Anthony and Emeka Okafor had stuck around. Of if Lebron James and Amare Stoudamire had gone to college. And that's the way it would have been in the 1980s, when college basketball was actually interesting, when you could actually name players from good teams, because they'd been there long enough. Remember Mullin vs. Ewing for four years? That was college hoops. Not rent-a-player like we have now.

The Greatest Sports-Related Movie Quotes Ever

If you could have dinner with four people, would Mr. Miyagi be one of them? Do you yell "Put it in the face!" at halftime of basketball games? Does the term "laces out" mean anything to you?

If so, you're the perfect audience for my most ambitious piece on ESPN.com, the Top 100 Sports Movie Quotes.

This was a lot of fun — and a lot of work. I found out that coming up with the top 100 of anything is hard. It's also the most subjective thing ever written, so I'm getting a ton of "Great list, but you missed..." e-mails.

It's currently No. 1 on ESPN.com's index of most-e-mailed articles, as was my Seinfeld sports moments piece last November. I just hope people aren't e-mailing to their friends the article with a note that says, "Check out what this dick has to say..."

Other Sports-and-Movies Links:

• A Compilation of Best Sports Movies Lists — Includes top-50 lists from Sports Illustrated and the Palm Beach (Fla.) Post, as well as top-25s from ESPN.com's Page 2 and Total Flim magazine. Each were compiled before Million Dollar Baby was released.

• ESPN.com Page 2's Top 20 Sports Movies of All Time — Includes individual pages for each movie, with highlights and comments from the staff.

• Sports Illustrated's Greatest Sports Movies — With links to original SI reviews as they appeared in the magazine when the movies were released.

• Box Covers and Synopses of All Baseball Movies — Well, there's 59 movies here, and if The Comrades of Summer is included, I'm guessing it's got all of them.

• Bull Durham Sucks — Hey, an ESPN.com writer agrees with me. I thought it was good, not great. Maybe because I saw it 17 years after people have been raving about how amazing it is. I'll tell ya one thing: those baseball scenes were not realistic. Nuke reminded me nothing of a great prospect. He always looked like some gangly clown out there, not a gifted athlete.

My Favorite Fake Bands Ever

I know I've linked to Rocklopedia Fakebandica (the ultimate fake band list) before, but I had so much fun perusing the site's new book that I thought this topic deserved its own post.

So I'm gonna run down some of my favorite fake bands/musicians, in alphabetical order, and you can share your own in the comments section.

The Afrodisiacs: What else but Diff'rent Strokes, the show that gave us Gordon Jump taking pictures of a shirtless Dudley, could could give us Todd Bridges, Dana Plato and Janet Jackson jammin' to an inter-racial cover of "Ebony and Ivory?" Oh, the humanity.

Chunky A: Oh my god, you know eBay has everything when the debut (and final) album from Arsenio Hall's bloated alter-ego is up for auction. Remember, dope is the big lie.

Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem: Think they're no good? You try playing the sax with a hand jammed up your ass.

Eddie and the Cruisers: Words and music, man. Words ... and music. Did you know "On the Dark Side" hit No. 7 on the pop charts in September 1984? Did you know that song is on my iPod more than 20 years later? Did you know I really need to download some new music?

Lenny and the Squigtones: Spinal Tap doesn't make my list, but Michael McKean makes an appearance anyway, fronting the greatest band in the history of Milwaukee.

Jerome "Chef" McElroy: I'm not the biggest South Park fan, but this dude definitely cracks me up.

Randy Watson and Sexual Chocolate: The band from Coming to America has been mentioned so many times on this site that you'd think I'm planning an underground campaign to get them elected to the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame. Well, you're right. And the movement begins April 5 at the My-T-Sharp barbershop in Queens, where we'll discuss whether Watson was at his best portraying Joe the Policeman in the "What's Going Down" episode of That's My Mama, or when he belted out "The Greatest Love of All" (download MP3). Also, some white guy is sure to bring up Rocky Marciano. That's their one!

Satan's Penis: I've never actually seen the "That Thing You Don't" episode of the The Drew Carey Show, but now it's one of the things I want to do before I die, along with kicking Curt Schilling in his bad ankle.

Don "No Soul" Simmons: If you're a half-way attractive, single chick and remember this guy, played by David Alan Greer in Amazon Women on the Moon, please contact me immediately for marriage possibilities. Jeremiah was a bull frog! Was a good friend of mine!

The Steve Sax Trio: That's the then-New York Yankee second baseman on stand-up bass, before being signed up by Mr. Burns to play for the greatest company baseball team in history, the Springfield Isotopes.

Zack Attack: If you're not wearing a Zack Attack "Friends Forever "World Tour" T-shirt, honoring the Saved by the Bell band featuring Screech on keyboards and Kelly Kapowski on piece of ass, then you're just not cool.

How can I leave off Spinal Tap and the Blues Brothers? Easy. I never seem to catch those movies on TV at the right time, like when there's no sports on anywhere.

Today's Web Finds:

• Picasa 2 — This free photo-viewing and editing software from Google is awesome. A lot more intuitive for amateurs than Photoshop. Give this one a try, for sure. And, for god's sake, get rid of those red-eyes in your endless "friends forever" bar shots.

• Extra Ugly T-Shirts — A lot of funny ones I've never seen before, including "Don't Blame Me. I Voted for Gary Coleman," a very creative "Support Our President" (you must view it at its largest size) and "Rocket Scientist (I Also Have a Big Dick)."

• eBay Selling Technique: Big-Ass Juggs — Hey, if you're gonna sell tiny tops for women, might as well try to stuff some not-no-tiny tops inside them for effect. (Thanks, Shumpy)

• Keyhole — Billed as "The Ultimate Interface to the Planet," this fly-around-the-world application lets you visit just about any address or exotic locale, thanks to satellite imagery. Free trial for 7 days.

• Vida Guerra Pictorial in FHM — For the assmen out there, Cosmo Kramer included.

• Video: College Kid Spoofs MTV Cribs — I'm sure this idea's been done before, but the film and sound editing is pretty right-on.

• How Uncle Melon Fark Changed Google — And not for the better. The raunchy Uncle Melon on how a Google Image search for "mom" no longer serves up a ton of MILF Hunter porn, because he, and I guess later Fark, called the public's attention to it. Basically, no matter what you search for on Google Images, you end up with a lot of porn. Unless you're a dweeb with Safe Search activated.

Happy Birthday to Two Legendary Naked Actresses

As you probably know — and probably don't care about — March is Women's History Month. Last year I took a look at some great moments in women's history (such as Tori Spelling guessing that the capital of New York was New Jersey), and this year I'd like to salute two influential female Hollywood figures who happen to share a birthday today, March 10.

Shannon Tweed: Born in 1957, Gene Simmons' much, much, MUCH better half is to Skinemax what Alan Greenspan is to CNNfn. With roles in Indecent Behavior 2, Night Eyes 3 and Body Chemistry 4, she's the queen of just-get-to-the-sex-scenes-already movies that pump out sequels even though no one remembers what the hell happened in the first ones. The 1981 Playmate of the Year, Tweed's most critically acclaimed film work, according to her IMDB.com credits sorted by ratings, were Detroit Rock City and Dragnet. Not exactly Robert DeNiro's body of work there, but maybe Bimbo Movie Bash did deserve better than the 2.91 it received. Tweed will never be forgotten by anyone born with a penis between 1965-80.
• Shannon Tweed on Google Images

Sharon Stone: Born in 1958, Stone did what so many actresses before her did to reach the top: she used her cooch. Instead of riding directors and producers, though, she uncrossed her legs and served up a pink taco to Newman the postman in Basic Instinct ... and the rest is history. Her list of movies sorted by rating is topped by Casino, for which she received a Best Actress nomination at the 1996 Oscars. Experts disagree on best sex scenes in movie history — and here's a site with screen grabs from the last few years' best — but I can't think of a mainstream actress who made off better from getting naked in a legitimate movie. (Elsewhere: TIME's Richard Corliss asks, Whatever Happened to Movie Sex?)
• Sharon Stone on Google Images

Today's Web Finds:

• Epinions on McDonald's — Consumer reviews are great for things like hotels and electronics, but do we really need 443 reviews on McDonald's? Is anyone out there thinking, "Hmmm. I wonder if that McDonald's place down the road is any good." Yo, here's my complete review of McDonald's ... IT'S FUCKING McDONALD'S! YOU'VE EATEN THERE 100 TIMES! YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE BY NOW! IT'S McDONALD'S, YOU ASSHOLE!!!

• The Great John Toilet Co. — Finally, "comfortable" and "safe" toilets for chunkmonsters. The website says, "Regardless of who you are buying for, yourself or a loved one..." Ha-ha-ha. I can see it now, "Honey, I got you the perfect gift. Here's the first part: three Taco Supreme Grande Blasters. And the second part is in the bathroom, next to the scale you broke." (Thanks, Shumpy)

• Nerve.com's Oscars Commentary — I know Oscars thoughts are way old and that everyone and his brother did the bullet-point thing, but Adam Boyle's got some witty stuff, including: "Do you think Johnny Carson was up in heaven saying, 'Whoopi Goldberg? That's the best you can do for my tribute? Why don't you just get Carrot Top and Howie Mandel, you fuckers!'"

• Animal House Sounds Page — Includes all the classics, such as "What a coincidence. I have a husband named Dean Wormer at Faber." As well as "Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?" and "I, state your name, do hereby pledge allegiance to the frat, with liberty and fraternity for all. Amen." (Thanks, Art)

• Work Habits That Drive Coworkers Crazy — Ah, memories of over-organized, cliché-using kiss-asses. The kind of people you just want to grab and say, "If you DO decide to take an entire hour for lunch and think about something other than work, I'm pretty sure Goldman Sachs will still be in business when you get back."

• Back-4-More With Chris Jericho — The pro wrestler/rock frontman's latest interview with the righteous Metal Sludge. In it, he says that Steve Perry is the greatest rock singer of all time, that Jasmin St. Claire is just the way he likes his girls ("hot, slutty and proud of it") and that Wayne Gretzky is "the God of Canada ... plus I wanna bang his wife!"

• Keystrokes for Movable Type — A new way to eliminate comment spam without requiring registration, which I think has really limited comments on this site. Lazy bastards.

Review: MVP Baseball 2005 for Playstation 2

When I saw that Manny Ramirez was the cover subject of MVP Baseball 2005 from EA Sports, I thought, "Great, they made the game for 4- to 8-year-olds this year." Nonetheless, it was a solid pick-up for $32 ($30 for the game and $2 for a marker to scratch out Manny's face).

Games are so sophisticated these days that it's almost impossible to improve significantly over previous year's versions. Much of the game is the same as 2004, though the developers managed to allow left-handed sluggers to hit home runs. I still can't believe last year's edition was released with that horrible glitch. I've even hit a couple of dingers with Jason Giambi, even though his hitting zone now has more cold spots than Greenland.

My level of play is firmly between Pro (which is too easy; Randy Johnson pitched two straight complete-game shutouts, including a no-hitter against the O's while throwing only two types of pitches, the four-seam fastball and slider) and All-Star, at which my offense isn't good enough, because I'm swinging at more pitch-outs than I let pass. Basically, I'm dead on anything thrown out of the zone. I make Alfonso Soriano look as patient as Barry Bonds in the box. And, while I nibble the corners on the mound, I can't bring myself to try to let the computer chase. That would put me to sleep.

Some other differences from 2004:

• The best new feature is a mini-game that practices hitting accuracy. Every pitch is a strike, though, so it doesn't train an eye to lay off the junk.
• It's harder to steal.
• Instead of being spent by the fifth inning, starters remain effective late in the game.
• Warmed-up relievers begin to lose stamina if you keep them up in the bullpen too long. That's kind of a pain in the ass to monitor.
• The first baseman now tosses to a covering pitcher while he's running, instead of waiting for him to get to the bag.
• There's an Owner Mode where you can play up to 30 seasons, build custom stadiums and set concession prices. And if you think I have any interest in deciding whether or not to replace Jorge Posada's son as the Yankees' catcher in 2035, you're crazy.

Game Highlights So Far:

• Starting on Pro, my first game was Red Sux at Yanks. The Bombers lost, and I made a promise to not play anything else till I had a series advantage over them. After being down four games to two, I won four of the next five as Boston committed the worst choke in video-game history. Some of the games were blowouts; I outhit them 17-1 and 19-2 in a couple of games, and A-Rod had three home runs and six RBIs in another. Also swept the Sux to start the Season Mode, but I'm gonna start a new one on All-Star level, 'cause Pro is too easy now.

• Hideki Matsui knocked Keith Foulke out of a game with a line drive off his face. Unfortunately, the ball did not carom into Bill Mueller's nuts, but it was still funny.

• I didn't know Mark Bellhorn could hit 486-foot home runs, or that Edgar Renteria was the greatest hitter who ever lived. That dude gave me more trouble than Manny and David Ortiz behind him.

• When Ketchup Sock Schilling beaned Tony Womack, I charged the mound to try to get both ejected, but only Womack was tossed. Reminds me of when Chicago Bulls scrub JoJo English fought with the Knicks' Derek Harper in the 1994 playoffs, and we lost a key player to their nobody in a huge spot.

• Announcer Duane Kuiper on Trot Nixon, batting against The Big Unit: "This fella here is not what you'd call a batting coach's dream."

• Down 4-0 with two outs in the ninth at Yankee Stadium, Johnny Damon got caught stealing second to end the game. Probably the dumbest move since Manny cut off a ball from Damon on what turned out to be an inside-the-park home run.

• I shattered Sammy Sosa's bat in an All-Star Game. There's no button to hit for "check the bat," though.

• I hit a triple with Mike Piazza, who has six in almost 6,000 lifetime at-bats in real life. And triples are harder to come by than in last year's game.

• Kevin Millar, the scab who is not a member of the Players' Association, is a black guy named Anthony Frieze, who sports an ugly, blond goatee and, like Millar, looks like he just crapped his pants. Bonds is also not in the game again, because he chooses not to be in the PA (doesn't pay enough for him), so the Giants' lefty slugger is white guy Jon Dowd.

• Yanks fans chant "Derek Jeter ... clap, clap, clap-clap-clap." Would be cool if they got Roll Call in there someday.

MVP Baseball 2005 Links:

• Metacritic.com's Collection of Reviews — Most agree than neither this game or rival Major League Baseball 2K5 ($20, with Derek Jeter on cover) is perfect, but both are worthwhile.

• IGN.com's MVP Baseball 2005 Message Board — Probably the most-active one out there (and if you know of a better one, let me know). Warning: some of these posters are scary-obsessed, not to mention young and dumb. Here's a hilarious thread, though, on some guy who had a perfect game broken up by a Pedro Martinez home run.

Today's Sports Links:

• Photo: Phil Mickelson ... Agony or Ecstacy? — A Beat This Caption if ever you saw one, but I thought you'd all have seen it by now. A Hall of Fame golf photo, up there with Cristie Kerr kissing that penis-like trophy a couple of years ago.

• Excerpt: The Devil Wears Pinstripes — A sample from Jim Caple's Yankee-hating book. Some funny stuff, if you accept all the exaggerations and generalizations. He says, "people hate the Yankees everywhere." Sure, and they love the Yankees everywhere. He says, "They refuse to acknowledge that fans in other cities love baseball and the local team as much as they do." That's just false, but, except for Boston, I can't think of another AL city that hasn't struggled keeping their fans' attention over an extended period of time. But if they do, fine. Have a blast. We get painted as people who only know winning, don't know how the other half lives. Like no Yanks fans root for the championship-challenged Knicks or Jets. And we're supposedly the biggest thugs on the planet, even though our city has never rioted after a title. Finally, if you call Yanks fans front-runners, especially people my age, I refer you Don "The Greatest Living Ballplayer" Mattingly.

• Best of The Thinking Man's Sports Trivia Gauntlet — Some great trivia questions, 'cause they're not just single-answer stuff that you either know or don't, but rather things you can try to figure out over a beer with friends (Example: Name all players (4) that have won a MLB career batting triple crown since 1980. Career batting triple crown = at least won a batting title, home run title, and RBI title one time in career.)

What I'd Do With $10 Billion

I know it's a sad thought, but I can't keep this site going forever. There will come a day when Alyssa Milano becomes too haggard to fawn over, when Derek Jeter retires with eight World Series rings, when there are no longer any original members left in KISS and it's just a cover band of itself (as opposed to only 50% cover band, which it is now).

When the day comes for me to sell this domain, I figure it'll fetch $10 billion. And these are my plans.

Wipe My Ass With a $1,000 Bill. Sounds like as good of a start as any, after lunch at White Castle and dinner at Gray's Papaya. I would then toss the bill out my penthouse apartment overlooking Central Park and take pictures of the mad dash of people fighting to pick it up.

In fact, I might do this every day.
Cost: $1,000

Invest $1 Billion in 30-Year, Tax-Free Bonds at 4% Interest. That'll net me $40 million a year in tax-free income, more than $100,000 a day to waste however I want. I could tell whiny peasants, "Here's a quarter-million quarters; call someone who cares" and be out only $62,500 each time.
Cost: $1 billion

Purchase the Boston Red Sox and Fenway Park. The Sux were sold a few years ago for $700 million, so let's put the mark at an even-to-work-with $1 billion. I would immediately sell off Curt Schilling's contract to a Mexico City Little League. Jason Varitek would be traded to the Takult Swallows for a year's supply of California rolls. Manny Ramirez would be re-assigned to be Homer Simpson's personal assistant at the Springfield nuclear power plant. The rest of the contracts would be sold to the WNBA, where players will have the choice of either: a) getting castrated and working on foul shots; or b) remaining inactive until they become free agents.

We'd have no use for Fenway, of course, but we couldn't say good-bye without a party. So Yogi Berra would take a ceremonial last dump on home plate, inner-city kids from New York would be invited to graffiti the whole place, and I would push the button to detonate it. In its place, we'd build the world's largest Starbucks, and Grady Little would assume his post as store manager.
Cost: $1 billion

Hire Midgets Dressed as Clowns to Run Through Elementary Schools. The kids will have nightmares for the rest of their lives, but imagine the drunken stories they'll tell when they're 50.
Cost: $100,000, tops

Get Me on the Cover of a Madden Video Game. If it's in the game, it's in the game. And if it's a check to EA Sports for $10 million dollars, it's me in a No. 23 Giants jersey with 99 ratings in every category. Depending on Eli Manning's development, I'd either be quarterback or Tiki Barber's replacement at running back.
Cost: $10 million

Get the World's First 24-Hour Hummer. And I ain't talking SUVs here. Figure 144 women, for 10 minutes each at $5,000. There's no way Warren Buffett hasn't thought of this.
Cost: $720,000

Dinner for Eight at Daniel. But here's the catch: I would treat seven of the foulest gas-passers in the land and totally stink up the joint. Silent but smelly required, so that when someone complains we can just say, "Wasn't us, ma'am. Whoever smelt it dealt it." Yes, this is the way my mind works.
Cost: $2,000

Host a Month-Long Karaoke Party. But instead of singing to recorded music, you get to sing on stage with Bruce Springsteen and the E. Street Band, Elton John, U2, and The Paul Katcher Experience, with me on vocals and guitar.
Cost: $75 million

I'd Own the Only Free-Drink Bar in America. Bartenders get paid $1,000 a day, with no tips. Figure I give away $20,000 a day in free booze. Chump change.
Cost: $30,000 a day

Buy TIME Magazine. No more cover stories on The God Gene, How to Live to Be 100 and Saving the Big Cats. Instead, we'd run headlines like: Lisa Gastineau: Would You Hit It?, 26 Reasons Why the Yankees Are the Best Team in Sports History and The Cast of Hamburger ... The Motion Picture: Where Are They Now? Instead of Person of the Year, we