PaulKatcher.com

Bidding Opens on Shaune Bagwell's Cleavage

Remember the days when hot chicks wouldn't let you display a company logo or slogan across their chests? A quick-draw map of Hawaii, maybe, but that was about it. Luckily, those days are history, now that Shaune Bagwell is auctioning off ad space on her cleavage.

Unfortunately the PK.com marketing budget falls just short of the minimum bid of $2,000 for 30 days, but I wouldn't be surprised if GoldenPalace.com, owner of the famous Virgin Mary grilled cheese, jumps into this one. (Customize your own grilled cheese sandwich.)

Being that Ms. Bagwell is a long-time friend of PK.com, we have this exclusive interview with her regarding the unique business plan.

1. Did you come up with this idea, or did somebody suggest it to you?
I saw a model I did a shoot with once selling her chewed gum on eBay. Some guy bought it for $20! I don't know who I felt sorrier for, the model or the guy! Models are selling their underwear. I thought this would be a funnier and more creative way to utilize my marketability.

2. What inspired you to do this?
I'm a single mom, raising my daughter alone, and I guess have to come up with a positive cash flow somehow.

3. What kind of "tattoo" will it be, that Henna ink stuff?
Whatever kind of ad the client wants, it could be body paint or Henna, but nothing permanent. I was a mermaid at the Playboy Mansion once, and they body painted fish scales and seashells on us, and it looked awesome!

4. Do you expect a lot of bidding?
I don't know, but I'm running the ad until it sells.

5. What kind of clothes will you wear to maximize the advertising by your breasts?
For 30 days, I will maximize the ad's visibility by wearing strapless dresses, tops and bikinis. I plan on attending Laker's games, walking at the park and dining at high-profile eateries. Obviously, I can't get away with a bikini at the Polo Lounge but I might be able to get away with it at the park. I'm also doing a swimsuit photo shoot featuring the ad for my website, ShauneBagwell.com. The photos will remain on display for the remainder of 2005.

6. Is there any advertising that you will refuse?
Anything pornographic.

7. How many tattoos do you already have?
I'm from a really conservative, Republican family. I thought I would be daring last summer, do something kind of wild, and I got one on my lower back. I think it's kind of sexy, but I don't want any more. Wait, there's a whole new frontier ... political endorsements! I should have thought about this before the election!

8. Are you sorry now that you got that tattoo over your butt, thus wasting prime advertising space?
Oh, that's right! I didn't think about that! If I didn't have that one above my canasta, I could have sold the space below my T-shirt and above my low-rise Frankie B jeans.

9. If this works, will you auction off advertising space on any other body parts?
It may be the kind of thing that only works once, but we'll see.

10. Of all the nutty stuff you've done, where does this rank?
I'm not sure. It actually doesn't seem that nutty to me. Hmmmm ... is that a sign I'm losing it? Gosh, I sure hope not.

Other Shaune Bagwell Content on PK.com:

• PK.com News World Exclusive: Shaune's New Baby

• Our First Interview With Shaune

Today's News Links:

• Curious About Celebrity Fragrances? They Reek — I actually took a whiff of Britney Spears' Curious ('cause I was, um, curious) and it smelled like high-school chick. So all you 17-year-olds out there, buy this stuff, spray is all over your bed and couch, and then bring your friends over to brag about all the hotties you banged.

• Canadian Court OKs Masturbation at Home — Quite a relief, as it's often way too cold to be outside while stretching the limo. (Found on jadedgrrl)

• 101 Dumbest Moments in Business: 2005 Edition — Business 2.0 is back with its annual stupidity list. I like No. 14: "Hormel Foods is forced to recall 104,000 pounds of Stagg canned chili — labeled 'hearty beef with a kick of green chilies' — after the kick turns out to come instead from the ground-up parts of a plastic handheld calculator."

• Men Peed Way Out of Avalanche — Everyone's loving this story about a Slovak man who freed himself from a trapped car by drinking 60 bottles of beer and peeing on the snow to melt it. To which I say: people will believe anything.

• Gitmo Soldier Details Sexual Tactics — No doubt we're running out of ideas to catch Osama when an AP lead reads as such: "Female interrogators tried to break Muslim detainees at the U.S. prison camp in Guantanamo Bay by sexual touching, wearing a miniskirt and thong underwear and in one case smearing a Saudi man's face with fake menstrual blood, according to an insider's written account." Aside from the blood, I can't see the prisoners chirping as much as I see 'em touching themselves. Get some trannies in there and we might be able to crack something.

• Senator Wants Boxing Gloves on Chickens — Oklahoma State Sen. Frank Shurden is such a proponent of cockfighting that he's suggesting boxing gloves be put on the combatants so as to eliminate bloodshed, the main argument against the event. "Let the roosters do what they love to do without getting injured," Shurden said. Yeah, roosters fucking love it, man! I see them in training, hittin' the heavy bag, running up the stairs of the Philadelphia Museum of Art. They live for this stuff. (Found on Complete and Total Bisch)

• iPod Is the Blade and Not the Razor — A business article on how Apple makes more money off the iPod (on which it profits about $75 each) than with the songs bought through iTunes. Apple has sold only about 25 songs per iPod, and they profit only about 20 cents per song.

• Radio Hoax Creates Minor Scramble for Toilet Paper — I've got some old Mets baseball cards laying around if a real shortage ever makes its way to NYC.

• Man Runs Dating Service Out of NYC Cab — Really nothing more than a guy looking out for his familiar customers. But how do you ride often enough with a New York cabbie to get to know each other? There's 40,000 drivers out there. For real. (PBS Special: Taxi Dreams)

Review: The Chyna and X-Pac Sex Video

One of the wittiest, if most disturbing, WWE fan signs I ever saw read "I'd Rather be in Chyna." Not me, man. I'd rather be in Fabulous Moolah, and that I wouldn't do for less than $10 million.

Despite two Playboy appearances, most people agree with me regarding bodybuilder chick Joanie Laurer, current Surreal Life 4 cast member, former girlfriend of Triple-H and on-again, off-again love interest of X-Pac (real name: Sean Waltman), with whom she stars in the only celebrity sex video to not set online search engines on fire.

When I found out that the video, 1 Night in China (spelled correctly, as it does contains scenes from the country, to avoid a WWE copyright lawsuit), was released last month, I decided to give it as much of an examination as I could without throwing up.

Oh, the things I do for science.

***

Retailers are offering VHS and DVD copies for $29.95, but your friendly neighborhood P2P network is offering a full 56-minute version for free in the "1_Night_in_China - joanie laurer - chyna - sex tape" section. Don't say I didn't warn you. Following is a recap of the video that's parts comedy, horror and porn. Mostly horror.

00:16 — Chyna flexes her huge right thigh while wearing lingerie, telling X-Pac it's his last chance to choose her current white outfit or the black one. X-Pac chooses black. I choose to get some TUMS.

01:30 — Scenes from a bus on a vacation to Hong Kong. Clearly, this has been directed by the same man who did the Pam and Tommy Lee video. Include a bunch of inane shit, because no one's gonna spend $30 for a 6-minute tape.

02:00 — X-Pac looks at the shaking camera and says, "Yo, check it out, I'm the craziest mother fucker you'll ever meet in your entire life." No shit, man. Not only did you have sex with Chyna, you documented it.

02:09 — Standing in Tiananmen Square, X-Pac looks at a picture of Mao and says, "For everyone back home ... Chairman Mao, I got two words for ya: Suck it!" I got two words for that scene: broken rib (after I fell off my chair).

03:15 — Good god almighty! It's Chyna in a black dominatrix outfit, smoking a cigarette and fashioning a whipping belt. X-Pac says she's "sexier than a mother fucker." Mother fuckers must look like men.

08:30 — Close-up shot of Chyna and X-Pac kissing. I proceed to download every e-mail attachment I've ever gotten, in the hopes of finding a virus that will shut down my computer.

10:33 — Sex time. If Howard Cosell were alive today, he'd exclaim, "Down goes Chyna! Down goes Chyna! Down goes Chyna!"

15:35 — X-Pac reciprocates, and I wonder if he enjoys the way Triple H tastes.

[Fast forward ... fast forward ... my god, FAST FORWARD!]

26:25 — Chyna's high-heeled feet are wrapped around X-Pac's head. My arms are wrapped around my eyes.

29:53 — Back to touristy stuff, X-Pac stands before the Great Wall and says, "The hills are alive with the sounds of music." Doesn't sing it. Says it. Damn, another broken rib.

31:00 — X-Pac again walking the streets of China. Relevant to nothing. Apparently, there is a plot development here. Is Hulk Hogan gonna crash through a fish market?

31:35 — We now know that Chyna's penis is pierced. I make sure nothing is in the way between me and my toilet.

32:49 — X-Pac goes for a late-night snack, Chyna moans, and I again hit fast forward.

36:31 — Chyna puts Paris Hilton to shame with her oral skills. X-Pac says she/he's, "so fucking incredibly gorgeous." That she is. For a man.

37:15 — Chyna has pimples on her ass. You don't want to know how I'm aware of this.

[Fast forward ... fast forward ... my god, FAST FORWARD!]

43:20 — Chyna watches her mirrored image being pleasured from behind. X-Pac is holding a camera slightly smaller than one to be used at the Super Bowl. Looks like it weighs 140 pounds, and god knows why the shoulder strap is still affixed.

46:35 — Woman, if you're gonna shave, then shave! What's up with the 5 o'clock shadow?

51:20 — X-Pac's new finishing move is The Back Door Body Slam. I take another swig of beer, hoping not to puke it up.

55:40 — X-Pac's done. I can't describe it. I enjoy my readership and really hope you come back.

55:51 — X-Pac, again before the Great Wall, says, "I guess I've had as much of China as I can handle." You and me both, brother.

56:49 — Video ends.

56:50 — I delete file from my computer. Go straight to the shower.

Other Chyna-X-Pac Sex Video Links:

• Adult Video News Review — Snarky and on the money. Hard to pick out a highlight, but we'll go with this: "Joanie, on the other hand, gets so hot she turns over and starts power-thrusting back on Sean's member, doggy-style. The insta-porn stars rut like sweaty gay men, pushing to and fro and grunting, as we can't take our eyes off the acne-riddled ass of Joanie."

• Something Awful's Review — They give it a -43, which ain't bad for a straight porno involving two guys.

• Howard Stern Interviews Triple-H About Chyna — When asked about the video starring his famous girlfriend, Triple-H said, "It's her with a friend of mine. I've not seen it, and I'm not interested in seeing it. She didn't have pimples on her ass when I was dating her."

• Howard Sterns Interviews Chyna — Man, I wish I could write this stuff up myself: "Howard took a call from Chyna Doll's ex-boyfriend, Sean Waltman. Chyna Doll wouldn't let the guy talk, she just kept interrupting him. Sean told Chyna to just come back to the real world. Chyna Doll claims that he made a deal to put that porn tape out behind her back. She said that she was disgusted with herself after seeing it. Chyna Doll also went off on Vince McMahon, calling him "Vince McDick" and saying that he owes her some royalties and stuff."

Porn News of the Day:

• Download Jenna Jameson Ring Tones — Dude, you know you've hit it big when people are paying to hear you mean on their phone. Remember when I asked, Would You Do Porn For $15 Million a Year? Well, I would. Who'd want to be a senator when you're worth that kind of dough? I'd guess porn stars get asked for their autographs more than senators anyway.

And Finally...

If you wanna see a picture of a ton of WWE guys getting ripped on booze — The Undertaker, Steve Austin, Paul Bearer, Jerry Brisco, Triple-H, Scott Hall, Sean Waltman and more, you can't do better than this:
http://www.seanwaltman.com/sean_friends/pages/WWF%20boyz.html

Review: Strange Love

You know how they say reality TV has the same voyeuristic appeal a as car wreck? Well, if you haven't seen VH1's Strange Love, which documents the unlikely affair between Brigitte Nielsen and Flava Flav, you're missing out on an 18-car pile-up on the George Washington Bride at rush hour.

It took a lot to tear me away from the Maria Sharapova vs. Serena Williams match at the Australian Open (or, as I like to call it, the Ass Everywhere Open), but Strange Love delivered in awesome fashion with an episode titled "Balls Well That Ends Well."

In it, the happy couple finds themselves in the famously romantic surroundings of Lake Como. They're there to attend a ball, at which Ms. Nielsen is the guest of honor. Surely, they'll fit right in with the high-society Italian crowd with whom they'll be dining and dancing.

Highlights of those 30 minutes, which should immediately be submitted to the Museum of Television and Radio in New York, include:

• Flav getting waltzing lessons from a total flamer, who takes the lead in order to show Flava how to dance with a big woman. Flav admits to having never danced with a man, and his shifty body language suggests he's either telling the truth or is on cocaine. Maybe both.

• Flav dressing up in a black-and-white pimp suit that, when combined with his gold teeth and jewelry, makes him look like a tricked-out Mercedes.

• The couple being introduced to their guests, who are already seated. Maybe the most improbable words ever spoken by an Italian host to a group of socialites: "Ladies and gentlemen, our guest of honor, Ms. Brigitte Nielsen, and her date for the evening, Mr. Flava Flav." Jaws on the floor in seconds flat.

• Flav acting uneasy with the delicacy he's been served. "If I don't recognize it, I don't eat it. McDonald's, I recognize. Kentucky Fried, I recognize. But I don't recognize this."

• One of the many disgusted women asks Flav, through a translator, how old he is. Using his hands, he replies 44. She says he acts 13, but the translator tells him, "She says you look 13." He takes this as a huge compliment and thanks her 100 times over, saying amid laughter, "I try. I try.".

• Flav tells a fellow diner that she looks like a celebrity in America. If you could see this woman, you'd know what's coming. "Her name is Rosie. Rosie O'Donnell."

• Flav plays some horrible shit on the piano, sings like a wounded animal, and the guests are over-the-top disgusted. Afterward, Flav and Brigitte reaffirm their admiration for each other. Flav tells her how beautiful she looked. "Yo, you looked like fucking Cinderella at the ball. You know what I'm saying, man?"

They then kissed, and I barfed. But all-in-all, a wonderful half-hour.

In Five Words or Less: A Freak Show, Indeed

Today's Entertainment Links:

• Debbie Gibson to Appear in Playboy — What did she answer a request from 10 years ago? The issue hits the newsstands on Feb. 11, so Google had better get ready. (Debbie Gibson photo gallery.)

• 20 Questions With Pauly Shore — Very funny interview with the star of the upcoming film Pauly Shore Is Dead. His answer to the first question (What are you up to?) is: "My penis is my right hand, I'm touching it, I just got off the phone with some hot, nasty stripper from West Palm... And he applauds Carrot Top because "that's gotta take a lot of effort ... just carrying all that shit around, up the stairs, you know what I mean." Oh, and he dated his first Penthouse Pet in 1988. The fucker wasn't even on MTV by then.

• Nicollette Sheridan Wasn't Even Naked in Monday Night Football Skit — Abercrombie shorts and "a contraption" covering her breasts? Now I am offended. I gotta work on getting these interview assignments for Page 3. Every time I look up, they're interviewing some hottie, and I'm writing about John Madden, George Costanza and William Perry.

• Gastineau Girls to Premier Feb. 1 on E! — The ex-wife and daughter of NFL nutcase Mark Gastineau (once romantically linked to Brigitte Nielsen) search for true love together. No doubt their offspring will have one helluva mullet. (Pictures of the Gastineau Girls.)

• U2 Concert Tickets in New York Go on Sale Monday — Not sure if it's gonna be worth getting up at 9 a.m. to pay $167 (without fees) for tickets. Absolutely ridiculous, but ya know what? People will pay.

• U.S. Children Still Traumatized One Year After Seeing Partially Exposed Breast On TV — The Onion is on the scene. "No one who lived through that day is likely to forget the horror," said noted child therapist Dr. Eli Wasserbaum. "But it was especially hard on the children."

• TIME's Best and Worst 2004 — I guess I'm a month late with this one, but the Oscars nominees makes at least the movies section relevant. While they have entries for architecture, children's books and comix, there's no sports. I wrote the sports top 10s in 2003 and 2002. Clearly I'm irreplaceable.

The 10 Worst Jobs in America

You know what they're forgetting to reminisce about on VH1's I Love the '90s (which has seriously jumped the shark, by the way)? The job market.

Remember when people used words like "headhunter called me" and "got an offer" and "raise." Man, those were the days.

Well, those days are gone, and people have resorted to selling ad space on their bodies. Omaha native Andrew Fischer has turned his noggin into a billboard and will pocket $37,375 for a month in which he has no chance of getting laid. Elsewhere, Joe Tamargo of Long Island will use his arm to promote SaveMartha.com ... as well as to fight off people who will be making some serious fun of him.

Now, if I were a guidance counselor — ya know, those people who dispense vocational advice even though they've yet to get our high school themselves — I would steer kids away from selling their bodies for advertising. But Human Billboard wouldn't crack my list of Top 10 Worst Jobs in America:

10. TV Field Reporter During Inclement Weather
Is there anything funnier than sitting with your feet up on a leather couch during a blizzard and watching the news team throw it to some 5-3, 110-pound chick who's struggling to stand upright against a blast of wind and snow in her face?

And now, for those of you without a window, we go to Suzy Johnson, who can't feel her right leg in Union Square. Suzy...

It's pretty fucked up out here, Jim. Hopefully, this storm will subside before I die of hypothermia. And, um, if you can do me a favor, tell the executive producer I'm real sorry again for calling him an asshole last week.

9. Toll Booth Collector
What's not to hate? Pissed-off people and their germ-filled hands forking over money you can't keep. An "office" that makes a Manhattan studio closet seem roomy. And the irrelevancy that comes with being replaced by a change basket or EZ-Pass. (Adam Sandler's Toll Booth Willie.)

8. Waitress at Shanghai 72 in New York
It must be a law that cranky, old people patronize this Chinese restaurant, because every time I go for a good, cheap meal, an Upper West Side fossil is complaining about something. Just shut up and eat your soup, you old bat! And tips on those $12 tabs don't exactly buy a 24K gold house.

7. Security at Rap Awards Show
Do the words "sitting duck" mean anything to you? When shit breaks out — and it will — I'm charging for the exit, not trying to play peacemaker.

6. Bathroom Attendant
Face it, no one is happy to see you. Is there anything more disappointing than throwing open the door and seeing these guys? Great, I have to tip a guy who just watched me take a piss.

5. Company Computer Guy
You could have an entire office of 5,000 employees running smoothly and no one cares. Then some head-honcho goes ballistic at you because he can't find an e-mail, which is most likely buried in his unfiltered inbox, one he hasn't cleaned out since 2002. (SNL's Nick Burns, "Your Company Computer Guy")

4. Funeral Director
Oh yeah, people are real happy to see you. After a day of work, these guys cheer themselves up with a Stephen King novel.

3. Hollywood Press Agent
You just have to sell your soul to the devil before diving into the deep end of L.A. bullshit. There's no ass-kissing quite like the favors Hollywood folks will do for free publicity. I'm not even sure these people are human.

2. Proctologist
Like being at Fenway Park, you're surrounded by assholes. Plus, no one wants to shake your hand at parties.

1. XXX Theater Mop Boy
Those floors get sticky, and it ain't from the buttered popcorn. The absolute most-degrading, disgusting job on the planet: cleaning up a pervert's spunk. (I just threw up on my keyboard.)

The NFL Playoffs, Presented by Sominex

What's a brother gotta do to get a decent game around here?

Following in the paths of last year's boring NCAA basketball championship (UConn 82, Georgia Tech 73), an NBA Finals blowout (Pistons 4, Lakers 1), a World Series sweep I didn't plan to watch anyway (Hey, Cardinals, you can start playing now) and a BCS championship rout (USC 55, Oklahoma 19), the NFL Playoffs have been a dud for any disinterested party.

The average margin of victory in the 10 postseason games has been 14.3. The only three games decided by a touchdown or less were maybe the least-anticipated games of the playoffs: Rams 27-20 over Seahawks, Jets 20-17 (OT) over Chargers and Steelers 20-17 (OT) over Jets. The rest of these games SUCKED.

In the last two weekends, we've seen six games. The margins of victory have been 3, 30, 13, 17, 17 and 14, with the favorites prevailing in all and the most-tense moments involving Doug Brien. Not Peyton Manning or Michael Vick or Brett Favre, but Doug Brien. The only thing that kept my attention in these fourth quarters was whether or not Randy Moss would shake his dick, as threatened.

My 9-1 record picking against the spread notwithstanding, I want a do-over.

In the end, we did end up with a great Super Bowl matchup, the two best teams and two of the three best quarterbacks in the game. The Pats are an early 6-point favorite, and I'll be placing my favorite bet: that the first coach's challenge overturns the ruling on the field.

Other Sports Ruminations:

• I've lost count of how many times Chris Berman made me feel uneasy with his sanctimonious declarations, but his intro to SportsCenter's Top 10 Plays ranks at the top. He waxed poetic on Johnny Carson, something about America losing its best friend. Not a sentence or two, but a mini-essay. He reminded us that he wasn't comparing what he does, or anyone else at ESPN, with what Carson did. To even suggest that anyone would compare his work to Carson's was just weird. It just seemed so out of place, Berman telling us how to feel about a non-sports man's death when he's about to introduce highlights from college basketball and the Australian Open. In conclusion, he said, "It's with the spirit of Johnny Carson that we move forward with our Top 10 Plays." Huh?

• Bill Cowher just has to go for that touchdown on 4th-and-2, down 14 early in the fourth quarter. If they get into the end zone, the stadium is up for grabs. If the Pats hold, the crowd's still gonna try to help the Steelers bury New England deep in its own territory. As it was, Pittsburgh put three points on the board and turned the crowd off ... once they stopped booing.

Mainly, here's why you go. Because every Pats fan in the world wanted Pittsburgh to play it safe and kick. And when 100% of the opposition wants you to do something, then it's in your best interest to do something else.

• I was perusing Basketball Reference, just to uncover a stat or two that might interest you. So how's this? Artis Gilmore has six of the NBA's top 14 single-season field-goal shooting percentages, is the league's all-time leader in shooting percentage (.599), is an 11-time ABA/NBA All-Star and is not in the basketball Hall of Fame. (Then again, Gheorghe Muresan, is fourth all-time in FGP.)

Staying on the field-goal percentage front, Wilt Chamberlain owns the highest single-season mark (by a wide margin), a sick .727 in his last season, when he was 36 years old. He also pulled down 18.6 rebounds per game (his third-lowest season total) and banged 143 chicks a week.

Among the top 100 season field-goal shooting percentages, Michael Jordan had none (not even close), and the best in the 2000s was No. 50 — Eddy Curry, .585, 2002-03.

• Anyone see a crazed Brian Dawkins being interviewed by Terry Bradshaw after the Eagles win? I thought we had a 99% chance of an f-bomb or two being launched.

• As a Knicks fan, I'll take sloppy thirds with Phil Jackson, if we can somehow get him to coach. Did you know the Knicks have the NBA's highest payroll? I know, it's not always obvious from their play. Or ever obvious.

• Relevant to nothing today, on April 15, 1972, Reggie Jackson was the first major leaguer with facial hair since Wally Schang in 1914. See, you can learn something from watching Cheap Seats at 1:50 a.m.

Today's Sports Links:

• 'Hook 'em Horns' Sign Has Different Meanings in Other Cultures — Dubya flashed the popular University of Texas sports salute at his inauguration, and confused Norwegians understood it to be the sign of the devil. Which could present a problem the next time we really need Norway to help us out with an important issue. Like winning a game of Risk or something.

• Prof to Study Why Women Flashed Breasts at Hockey Fans — Remember that whole Calgary Flames girls craze? Well, some chick professor is gonna conduct a study. And I imagine she will have no trouble finding male students to help out with the research.

• Astros Sign John Franco to One-Year Deal — Apparently, the cure for losing the top free agent on the market is to sign a 44-year-old reliever who was 2-7 with a 5.28 ERA in 2004. But at least Houston was able to replace departed Jeff Kent's porn 'stache.

• College Hoops RPI Site — Lots of number-crunching here, where you can see each teams RPI as well as its record against teams ranked 1-50, 51-100, 101-200 and 200+. Even with its crushing loss this week, Kansas owns the top spot, thanks to having played the toughest schedule in the nation. Syracuse, with one loss and five major players left from a national championship team two years ago, is 13th, one spot ahead of Southern Illinois, and seven ahead of No. 20 Princeton, which is 8-5 and is 0-3 against teams in the top 50.

• ABC Says Terrell Owens Was Second Choice in Towel Skit — to John Madden — Wow, the thought of a hot, naked chick asking Madden to look after her needs pretty much has me reaching for the barf bag. But that image isn't half as sickening as...

• Chyna Gives Impromptu Nude Strip Show at Scores — The former wrestling star who pretty much convinced me to never again subscribe to Playboy convinced the high-rolling strip club (and sometimes crime scene) to allow her on stage. She was asked to stop after she went bottomless. I'm guessing this is where a stampede to the bathroom occurred.

• XXXIX Knee-Jerk Reactions — Some talking points after the conference championship games. Steve Politi writes, "Somewhere, Eli Manning watched the floater Ben Roethlisberger tossed for an early interception and thought, 'Jeez, I could have done that.'"

Photos: Blizzard in Central Park

Ironically, blizzards do more to get me out of the apartment than anything.

First, the streets are relatively tranquil, and that's an awesome experience in Manhattan. I imagine most people's problems with the city stem from crowds and traffic and dirt. Blizzards erase all of those things. Yes, you can play in the streets of NYC.

Second, bars are awesome on snowy days/nights. People who are out wanna be out. The amateurs are home. The cell phone's not ringing with friends begging you to come east or west or downtown, 'cause no one's motivated to do anything more than find a local watering hole and hang out.

Third, the photo opportunities are awesome. Here's a gallery of pictures I took in Central Park on Saturday. As usual, the first few are really good, and then the quality tails off like KISS' career of live performances. Everyone in the Park had either a sled or a camera.

Fourth, you get to see kids crashing sleds into bails of hay — set up as protection in front of rocks and fences and benches — which leave the kids lamenting about how they now smell "like horse poop."

Face it, blizzards in NYC are awesome (did I use that word yet?). Syracuse, not so much.

2004 NFL Playoff Preview and Picks: Conference Championships

Forget all the 1-900 lines and the "guaranteed" picks you find advertised across the web. Almost nobody can top my 7-1 record against the spread this postseason (wild-card | divisional), and that has my head larger than Randy Moss' 'fro in a lightning storm.

Yes, it makes it difficult to type, but people have managed to work a keyboard under much more physically challenging situations (speaking of sorority-gal webcam shows, of course) I'm on the clear and the cream, bitches.

Last week, I played the "gun-to-my-head" theory. I could have seen the Rams playing well on turf. I could have seen the Colts breaking their Boston curse. I could have seen the Vikes at least making a game in Philly. But would they do it 6 times out of 11? With a gun to my head and the threat of losing my life or, worse, my Don Mattingly autographed 1984 Topps rookie card, I have to go with what's probable, not what's unsurprising. Not looking to be a hero, just get my picks right.

With that in mind, here's what I think is likely to happen more times than not this weekend.

ATLANTA (12-5) at PHILADELPHIA (14-3), 3 p.m., FOX
Last week, everyone talked themselves into taking the Colts. From Monday-Saturday, it was like a downhill train of public punditry. (Though Vegas bettors always sided with New England, and so did I.) Now people are talking themselves into thinking a dome team has the advantage in what is expected to be snowy weather, because the passing game is more the Eagles' strong suit than the Falcons'. I'm not sold.

Let me throw one stat at you: the Eagles have played 15 games that counted, and they won 14 of them. Here's another: In 13 of those 15 games, they won by at least five points. I know they did a lot of that with Terrell Owens, but I just don't see a wide receiver being as irreplaceable as a quarterback or effective unit of linemen or linebackers.

Here's one reason why the Falcons should scare people. If the weather is nasty and field goals are impossible to convert, then it's obviously a game of touchdowns, and I think the Falcons might have the edge in the big-play arena. A defender slips here or there, and I can see Michael Vick or Warrick Dunn taking it 70 yards to the house.

Other than that, I take the home field, the outdoor environment and the team that has flat-out dominated opponents all season long.

Did You Know? Donovan McNabb is the fourth quarterback to lead his team to at least four consecutive conference championship games. The other three, Ken Stabler (5), Jim Kelly and Troy Aikman, all won at least one of those games ... With last week's victory, Eagles coach Andy Reid joined John Madden and Mike Holmgren as the only coaches with at least one win in five straight postseasons.
Spread: Eagles by 4½ (but varying from -3½ to -6)
Paul's Pick: Eagles 21, Falcons 14

NEW ENGLAND (15-2) at PITTSBURGH (16-1), 6:30 p.m., CBS
Pittsburgh has won 16 games and the Patriots have won 15. Which surprised you more? In my eyes, that's how you should pick.

There are a few reasons why I don't think the favored Pats are a lock: they won't have some crazy homefield advantage over a dome team, they won't be in anyone's heads, and if ever there was a time to feel overconfident, this is it. But ... they're the Patriots.

The '91-98 Bulls were the Bulls. The '96-'00 Yankees were the Yankees. The '81-'89 49ers were the 49ers. They stumbled, at times, but you didn't expect it.

That being said, I'm not one of those guys who did a full 180 on Pittsburgh after it kinda blew chunks last week. The Steelers gave up only three points to the Jets offense, and everyone's allowed a bad game. Just a few weeks ago, New England lost at Miami when it still had a lot to play for, namely the home field in this game right here. (Which, it turns out, they wouldn't have gotten anyway.)

Steelers fans, they're gonna need you. Conventional wisdom says you're worth three points (meaning this is a six-point game on a neutral field). Can you be worth more? I'd like to see it, personally, but I wouldn't expect it six times out of 11.

Did You Know? In terms of combined wins, this is the best AFC championship game ever. With 31 wins, it tops Jacksonville (15) vs. Tennessee (15) in 1999 ... Bill Belichick and Tom Brady are 7-0 together in the postseason. The only other undefeated coach-QB combo with at least five games played is Jimmy Johnson and Troy Aikman, who went 6-0 ... If the Steelers win, they will become the 10th team to go 10-0 at home during a season. Seven of the previous nine teams won the Super Bowl.
Spread: Patriots by 3 (some offering -2½)
Paul's Pick: Patriots 21, Steelers 17

Other Sports Ruminations:

• Local boy Chris Mullin's name came up recently, and I was floored when I saw that he had five straight years of a .509+ shooting percentage and a 25.1+ scoring average. That's some sick stuff, man.

• When do we start the Oslen Twins-like countdown to 18 for Michelle Wie? In Revenge of the Nerds, Booger was trolling the junior high schools all day for a date, but came up empty. Should have hit the links instead.

• J.J. Redick has taken 334 free throws in his career at Duke and hit all but 19 of them. In a two-game stretch last week, Shaquille O'Neal missed 25 of 48.

• Worst part of Pats not having a home game this weekend: $35 per-car parking. That's absolutely fucking insane.

• OK, how many people two years ago thought LeBron James would turn into the model young pro athlete? (Of course, we may have said that about Kobe at one time, too.) Check out this awesome wallpaper of LeBron and Sebastian Telfair during their high school days.

Today's Sports Links:

• SI.com Gets a Facelift — Looks pretty good. I would've included a note from the editor on what's new and why we're throwing a new interface at regular readers. But what do I know? I've only been producing web content for 8½ years.

• eBay Auction: Doug Brien's Head on a Silver Platter — Fifteen grand is a pretty steep price, even for those rich Jets fans with fireman hats on. I imagine the winning bidder also gets Paul Hackett's nuts in a jar.

• Red Sox Nomination for Fan of the Year — Presenting the poster child for Red Sox Nation. Or, as I like to call it, Who left the door to the psycho ward unlocked? I wonder if his ankle bracelet was autographed by Nomar before he left town in a huff. Or Pedro. Or Roger. Or Mo. Or ...

• Top 10 College QBs of the ESPN Era — Such a subjective ranking, since a lot of these guys proved, by not being NFL stars, that their teams had a lot to do with their success. I love Tommie Frazier (No. 1), and think he often gets overlooked as a dominating player, but let's face it, whatever Frazier did well, Michael Vick (No. 1) did better. What, Vick on those Cornhuskers teams couldn't have rolled? Brook Berringer did. Chris Weinke (No. 2) over Matt Leinhart (No. 8)? There's some seriously good crack being smoked in Bristol.

• Brooklyn Brawler's Profile — I love the old wrestling links, especially one of this guy who was maybe the most laughed-at heel in WWF history. Not liking the hole-y hell Yanks shirt, but check out the wedding ring. That's the most classic part. Where's Mrs. Brawler?

• Hilarious Pics of Vince McMahon vs. Hulk Hogan — Look how jacked this guy is. I'd love to see Bud Selig in a similar position, in a wife-beater during the home-run derby.

• ESPN.com SportsNation's World Series Tourney — This feature has about as much timely relevance as putting Molly Ringwald on the cover of TIME again, but they're asking fans to vote the last 16 World Series winners through a tournament bracket. Now, considering network panelists ranked the 1998 Yankees as the best team in any sport of the ESPN era, they might as well shut down the site if the Bombers don't get the nod. Especially since the only team to win a World Series since that special aired finished in second place in its division this year.

• Amazon.com List: Gifts for the Gay New York Mets Fan — Also known as "Things to Get Mike Piazza for His Wedding." Among the list items: Hardball: An Erotic Novel, Ace Athletic Supporter and How to Give a Good B.J. in a Men's Room Stall. (OK, I made the last one up, though I do know some chicks who could write the Foreward.)

• Most Popular Pages on Baseball-Reference.com — An interesting popularity index on the best baseball reference site out there. Seven of the top-10 most-requested teams are Yankees. Our other 19 World Series-winning teams are in there somewhere, too. I love how the Carlos Beltran page is sponsored, till the end of 2005, by a Houston site that claims to be "all Astros all the time." Yeah, except when they're sponsoring pages of Mets players.

• Win a Chance to Play Snoop Dogg in Madden 2005 — Knowing how these online games work, Snoop will hand over his controller to some 15-year-old virgin who's cracked every glitch in the game, manages to blitz 10 and cover every receiver, jiggles the wires on field-goal attempts, plays Randy Moss at fullback and runs out patterns against a linebacker and then messages you this: "U Suk Ballz. Hahahahahahahahhaha."

• Sports Writing and Editing Blog — A new blog on the sportswriting craft, something I guess I know enough about to be included in their (so far) somewhat discriminatory list of sports links. Maybe the guy's made some coin on my NFL picks. (BTW, I'm 7-1 so far.)

• Kurkjian: Jeter Is MLB's Best Baserunner — Another of the guy's abilities not wholly measured by stats.

• Backman: 'I Earned That Job' — Wally Backman speaks for the first time after being painted as a low-life thug (i.e. member of the 1986 Mets), thus costing him the Diamondbacks' managerial gig. What I never understood is, What's the lingering penance that he's supposed to pay? Is being restricted from managing millionaires something that's going to rehabilitate whatever it is people hold against him? (Thanks, Chris, for the link)

Beat This Caption: Condoleeza Rice

"National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice speaks before the Senate Itty Bitty Titty Committee in an investigation of Verne Troyer's reported five-way at the Playboy Mansion."

(To beat this caption, post a comment below.)

Beat This Caption: Elephant Business

"Now that Thai elephants are being potty-trained, Dumpy becomes the first seated male since the late '90s to launch a butt shuttle without a copy of Maxim in sight."

(To beat this caption, post a comment below.)

Beat This Caption: Goalie

"Ball save, and a beauty!"

(To beat this caption, post a comment below.)

Inside the Honky Tonk Man vs. Ric Flair Feud

Being called "saggy" by former WWF Intercontinental Champion Honky Tonk Man is a little like being booed by Ashlee Simpson, but I got a howl from reading HTM's diatribe against Ric Flair titled 'Saggy Boy' Flairs Up Again.

In it, the man who mixed Elvis with singlets charges Flair with being out of line in a confrontation with Puerto Rican promoter Victor Quinones, regarding the treatment of Flair's son David, whom HTM unaffectionately refers to as "skinny bag of bones" and "punk kid."

This isn't a wrestling angle. This is real behind-the scenes stuff.

According to Honky (if I may call him Honky), the WWE should look closely at Flair's actions and see if the "washed-up has-been" has violated his contract by means of embarrassing the company — something I rank, in terms of difficulty, with hooking up Jared Fogle with a Hawaiian Tropic model. Mr. Man feels that Flair has been in favor with the WWE because he is "asshole buddies" with Triple-H. If Peter Scolari is looking for work — and odds are that he is — maybe he'd be interested in producing that sequel to Bosom Buddies.

HTM apparently has a rep for being a straight-shooter and takes shots at Flair throughout his site. Flair, meanwhile, doesn't appear to have an official site, let alone one that's updated frequently, like Honky Tonk Man's.

If you're in the vicinity of the Route 66 Casino in Albuquerque on Feb. 27, you can catch HTM in action, along with Jimmy Snuka, Greg Valentine, Abdullah the Butcher and other wrestlers who probably get sick when they hear about the millions of dollars being made by today's top stars.

Other Web Finds:

• Henry Earl: America's Drunkest Man — Check out the arrest record of this guy. Three sentences of Alcohol Intoxication in 2005, and we're just getting started. He was set to go back on the streets Tuesday, but you know he'll be back in before Sunday's NFL games. Hope they have a nice TV for him in the clink. The pictures are a friggin' riot, too. Check 'em out. (Thanks, Shumpy)

• SNL's "Soaking Cork" Skit — Remember, when you soaka the corks, you can also message the grapes. Reminds me of a Crank Yankers call when Niles Standish said, "So, just so I have this straight. You handle a lotta different kind of caulk. You carry black caulk and white caulk and the caulk doesn't get hard and it's ok to get the caulk in your mouth." Also reminiscent of Jimmy Fallon's interview with Paris Hilton. When Jimmy asks if the Paris Hilton is roomy, she replies, "It might be for you, but most people find it very comfortable."

• 100 Top Ad Campaigns of the 20th Century — See if you notice a pattern with some of the top 10: Coca-Cola, Marlboro, McDonald's, Absolut Vodka and Miller Lite. Can't anyone come up with a solid marketing campaign for something that's actually good for you?

• 40 Greatest Men of Country Music — It's a list, so that's good enough for me to link to. People have so many different definitions of what country music is, but my personal favorites are Kenny Chesney among the modern guys and George Strait among the older guys. And yet, a lot of their lyrics are cheesy as hell. That's why I like Mary Chapin-Carpenter best of all, but she doesn't have a dick. Not that I know of, anyway. (Might wanna compare with CMT's 100 Greatest Country Music Songs.)

• Place All 50 States on a U.S. Map — Pretty cool to see how accurately you place each state. I believe I had a final Average error of 34 miles, thanks to mistaking South Dakota for Kansas and putting it in the middle. (Link found on Gorilla Mask)

• The Shy Girl's Guide to Becoming a Whore — A self-described "online tutorial for women considering becoming an escort by using the technologies of the Internet." Somewhere there is a very nervous father reading this site. (Link found on Drunken Stepfather)

• Harpoontang's Profile on MySpace — Tequila Dave's latest creation, including audio of "I Wanna Fuck You, You Wanna Fuck Me." Dave and I caught KISSNATION at Hard Rock Cafe in New York last week, and I felt like I was in Orlando. Who lets little kids into rock shows?

• Another Porn Site Uses My Name in Keywords — Nothing like seeing your name crammed into a stream of words like "buttweiser erotica sunbathing tits4u kegger wet t shirt paul katcher."

Photos: Brooklyn Bridge

Those of you who've been with me awhile know I like to head down to the Brooklyn Bridge every now and then and shoot some photos. Hope these don't bore you.

Mini Me Must Have the Greatest Personality Ever

Last week, I went to Caroline's Comedy Club to see the large and in-charge Patrice O'Neal, and he said, "Some guys don't know how to talk to women. They have no personality. I know I do, because I've seen myself naked." Well, compared to 2-8 "Mini Me" Verne Troyer, O'Neal's as bland as a ham sandwich (or worse, Al Gore).

According to the shortest "celebrity" ever to appear on The Surreal Life — quite a achievement considering Emmanuel Lewis starred in Season 1 — he was involved in a 4½-way at the Playboy mansion. Lest you think it was with a step-stool, a magazine, some Vaseline and a rag, Mini Me sets the record straight.

"I did three girls at the Playboy Mansion. There was another guy with me, but there was plenty of pussy to go around.

I know what women want, and it's me."

I've asked a lot of women what they wanted, but none ever replied "Mini Me." But I'm giving Troyer the benefit of the doubt here. If his story is true, then we know for sure that, for some women, size doesn't matter. Like not at all.

In case you're wondering what else Mini Me has been up to since achieving fame in the Austin Powers movies, here's a video of him naked and drunk, pissing in the corner of a room. (Play "Mini Me's Gotta Pee.") Thanks, Art and, coincidentally, Pee Wee, for the links.

Other News Links:

• Speaker Tells Students That Stripping Is a Career Choice — In his annual 55-minute presentation titled "The Secret of a Happy Life," William Fried told eighth-graders at that stripping could be a lucrative career moves for girls, offering as much as $250,000 or more per year, depending on their bust size. I'm a shocked as you are that kids of that age are getting such bad advice. You can earn so much more selling cocaine. (Thanks, John)

• Instant Detox: Kick Heroin in 24 Hours — Wired on a one-step program with no willpower, withdrawal, or preaching required. I tried this with Ashlee Simpson TV performances, and it works great.

• eBay Raises Seller Fees — And by a big margin, too. Total eBay fees based on insertion and final value will increase from anywhere between 33% and 80% come February. (See chart.)

• Court Won't Block KKK From Highway Cleanup — But who's gonna take out the white trash? (BTW, the stretch of the West Side Highway leading up to my apartment — and a bunch of new high-rises bearing the name of a certain apprentice-seeker — has been adopted by Donald J. Trump. I would rather have Kramer re-painting lines for bigger lanes.)

• Blacks, Whites Get Put Differences Aside, Work Together to Make Better Burger — Calling the afternoon crew at Louisville's Carver Street McDonald's "a beacon of hope," The Onion reminds us that "every now and again something comes along to remind us just how much can be achieved when we view our differences as assets rather than liabilities."

• Be a Markdown Millionaire — Motley Fool on which months are ripe for the bargain picking. Get ready for outerwear deals in February, one month before you'll pack 'em away for good.

• TIME Archive — My former employer finally made available every article since 1923, available free to magazine subscribers. This was in planning for so long that the idea of "First Mentions" — links to articles where TIME first made mention of the world's most-influential people, like Don Mattingly — was mine, and I left there almost a year ago. Of course, I kinda borrowed that idea from Google's 20-Year Usenet Timeline, which includes first mentions of everything from AIDS to The Simpsons to Britney Spears and Osama bin Laden. Anyway, I think the Archive came out awesome, including the kick-ass "Collections" like World War II and the Ask the Archivist blog.

Thoughts on the NFL's Divisional Round Playoffs

I won't be doing a weekend sports wrap piece — though I will have a News post for Monday — but I figured some people might be coming for my thoughts on this weekend's NFL's games, in which I went 3-1 against the spread (7-1 for the playoffs).

So here's some quickie takes:

Steelers 20, Jets 17 (OT)
• The Jets hung in the same way they did with the Rams in Week 17, with a kick return and an interception return for TD. Other than that, they got only three points from the offense. So there'd better not be anyone blaming kicker Doug O'Brien for this loss, especially considering the Jets failed to move the ball at all once they actually got into still-shaky field-goal range, especially at Heinz field.

The first-miss, a 47-yarder, was that long because, after having 2nd-and-6 from the Pittsburgh 29, the Jets moved one yard on two plays. The second miss, a 43-yarder, was that long because the Jets had 1st-and-10 from the Pittsburgh 26 and moved two yards on three plays, including a Chad Pennington kneel-down that lost a yard.

• In the NCAA Tournament, there's only one goal: survive and advance. If you play worse than normal and come away with a W, so be it. I'm not sure how silver that lining is for the Steelers, however. Especially having to face a defense that held Peyton Manning's team out of the end zone.

Falcons 47, Rams 17
• When I saw this demolition, I thought of all the people who bet the Rams based on what they did against the Jets and Seahawks. And I wonder at what point in the game they realized how dumb that was.

• Anyone crazy enough to bet the NFC championship before seeing what kind of turf Michael Vick and Warrick Dunn get to play on? You can get +6 if you act now.

Eagles 27, Vikings 14
• Has there ever been a better player than Randy Moss who surprises absolutely no one when he disappears from a game? One catch in the second quarter, one catch in the third and one in the fourth. Saw some good coverage from the Eagles, so let's give them credit, but you're not winning this game completing 21 passes to other receivers.

• I used to think Donovan McNabb was a little overrated. Not that he wasn't a good quarterback, but I thought he was too inaccurate to be among the elite, reliable players. Now I'm not even sure there's a weakness in his game.

• Three arguments to stow away for good: The Eagles being rusty, the Eagles not being dangerous without Terrell Owens, and the AFC winning the Super Bowl before it's been played.

Patriots 20, Colts 3
• What a dud of a game. Like most NFL fans outside of New England and Indianapolis, I was hoping for more.

• You know how people swear off drinking a few times a year while suffering a huge hangover? Somewhere someone is saying, "That's it. I'm never, ever betting against the Patriots again." And, of course, they'll pick the Steelers next week. And, if you do go with Pittsburgh, you can get +3.

• If you're the defensive coordinator of the Broncos, do you wait till the end of this game to kill yourself, or just get it over with at halftime?

• I've long thought that Bill Belichick was a great coach, but to get that snowstorm to arrive early? Wow, that was something.

• All things considered — the crowd, the weather, the field — that may have been the biggest single-game homefield advantage I've ever seen in the NFL playoffs. I don't even know what dome teams can do in a reverse situation at home. Maybe there really is something to the fact that only one dome team (1999 Rams) has ever won the Super Bowl.

2004 NFL Playoff Preview and Picks: Divisional Round

Welcome to a game of Katcher's Believe it or Not. In picking against the spread this week — seven days after being a hardcore 4-0 for the second straight year in the wild-card round — I will base my decisions on whether or not I believe certain points to be true.

I might also call this week Rooting Against Myself, as my heart will be with three of the four teams I pick against, but my brain says You Know What's Gonna Happen More Often Than Not So Don't Shit Yourself.

Here we go:

Saturday's Games:

N.Y. JETS (11-6) at PITTSBURGH (15-1), 4:30 p.m., CBS
Remember that Irving Berlin song Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better? Me neither. That's why I had to look it up in Google. But that pretty much sums up this game. Whatever the Jets do well, the Steelers do better. I'm sticking with what I said last week about the Jets: they have a ceiling, and it doesn't rise as high as the NFL's elite, of which Pittsburgh is clearly a member.

The Jets went to OT against the Rams in Week 17. They went to OT against the Chargers in the wild-card round. That's where the Jets are at. Am I telling you something you don't know? God, I hope not. Do the Jets cover? That's where Katcher's Believe it or Not comes in.

Believe it or Not: The Steelers are as good as a typical 15-1 team. Hell no. Ben Roethlisberger ain't no Joe Montana. In fact, neither the Colts, nor the Patriots, Eagles, Vikings or Falcons would trade QBs with Pittsburgh. And this ain't the 1985 Bears defense.

But the Steelers have been the NFL's most consistent team. (Well, the 49ers were consistent, too. Consistently horrible.) I believe in that Pittsburgh home crowd, which will have the most effect of the four weekend games. The game is still played with an oblong ball, one that can bounce a lot of different ways, but I give the Jets a slim chance at best.

Does Pittsburgh win this game more often than not by 9 points? I think so, but I wouldn't bet more than a beer on it.
Spread: Steelers by 9
Paul's Pick: Steelers 27, Jets 17

ST. LOUIS (9-8) at ATLANTA (11-5), 8 p.m. FOX
Welcome to tonight's episode of Have They Blown Their Load? I've been seriously impressed with the Rams the last three weeks. I was high on them last week, but I'm cautious of them this week. These things remain constant: Marc Bulger is the only white QB left in the NFC playoffs (also the worst one), Mike Martz still looks like he crapped his pants, and guys named Isaac and Torry still don't scare me at all.

Believe it or Not: The Falcons Are More Than Michael Vick. People, I saw it with my own eyes. The Giants were 5-4 in Eli Manning's first start and I paid $50 (well below face, thank you) for "Madden" seats — upper deck; middle end-zone. I've never seen a QB move like Vick. I was trying to jab the Hit Stick but to no avail. What am I getting at? Nothing quickly, but he opened up everything for that Falcons offense. I've always loved Warrick Dunn, and I've seen a lot of good things from T.J. Duckett.

A also saw a tough, quick defense. I think the Falcons are legit.

As for the Rams defense, Leonard Little killed someone while drunk driving, and drove drunk again! You tell me why he's still in the league.
Spread: Falcons by 7
Paul's Pick: Falcons 28, Rams 17

Sunday's Games

MINNESOTA (9-8) at PHILADELPHIA (13-3), 1 p.m., FOX
Minnesota hadn't even wrapped up its upset victory at Green Bay before "Anchorman" called to congratulate me on my 4-0 picks last week. (In case I hadn't mentioned that nine times.) Before seeing the spreads I immediately rolled off my picks for this week, none of which I'm too sure of. But we both agreed that the Vikings had won their Super Bowl. Everything I said about the team last week — that they were playing a familiar opponent and would not get lost mentally — goes out the window here.

The only reservation I have is giving any team with Daunte Culpepper and Randy Moss 8½ points. That's a hefty, hefty number for two of the very best offensive players in the game. I can't see Culpepper sleeping here, but Moss did what he had to do last week, and it might be time for a nap.

Believe it or Not: The Eagles are without their most important player in Terrell Owens. Nope, Donovan McNabb is their most important player. The last time a wide receiver was the most important player on an NFL team was never, and if I hear the word "swagger" one more time I'm gonna puke.

Believe it or Not: Philly Will Be Flat After Playing Dead for a Few Weeks. Hell no. It's not like teams haven't rested players in Week 17 before. This was arguably the NFL's best team in the first 14 games. I'm sticking with them despite the fact I would love to see them lose and finish worse in Owens' first season than in the three previous without him.
Spread: Eagles by 8½ points
Paul's Pick: Eagles 31, Vikings 20

INDIANAPOLIS (13-4) at NEW ENGLAND (14-2), 4:30 p.m. CBS
I love this game. Love the players, the coaches, the teams, the fact that no one is gonna preen at midfield or pull out a Sharpie or moon a crowd. I love everything about it except MIke Vanderjagt, who didn't get the memo (either time) that kicker should shut the fuck up and not talk shit about a team he failed to beat by doing the only thing he gets paid $1 million to do.

Did I mention I have a dodgeball game at 5:30 p.m.? Kill me. (At least it's co-ed.)

Believe it or Not: Peyton Manning Is the NFL's Best Player. With absolutely no reservation, yes. He means more to any final score than any person on any team, possibly in the history of the NFL.

Believe it or Not: Tom Brady Is the NFL's Best Player. My ass. That first Super Bowl MVP was bull. 16-27 for 145 yards, 0 INT, 1 TD. (Let me know when I can stop laughing.) The tuck rule. The three-point win against the Panthers. That's the most bullshit "dynasty" I've ever heard of. No "dynasty" misses the payoffs between championship seasons...

... And yet I see that Manning threw four picks against the Pats in last year's playoffs (with Ty Law, out for this game), lost (albeit with Vanderjackoff's non-help) in Week 1, that the Pats are 29-2 in their last 31 games, that they're 6-0 in the postseason under Bill Belichick, that Brady is 18-2 as a starter in games decided by six points or less.

Would you be surprised if the Colts came out with 14 in the first quarter? Would you be surprised if New England forced a couple of punts, ran Corey Dillon and made you think, "Oh yeah, this is the team that won 29 of its last 31 games. And they're at home." That's the beauty of what is, in essence, a pick 'em game.

The public is so clearly in Indy's favor. Vegas no so much. My gut instinct last week when these teams were paired was that New England would win, just like they always do. With a gun to my head, I go Pats. With a beer in my hand, I say go Colts. You go whichever way you want
Spread: Patriots by 2
Paul's Pick: Patriots 27, Colts 23

In Conclusion: Yeah, I went with all home favorites. We separate the cream from the crop here. The home teams earned a bye for a reason, and the reason is that they're the better teams. Gun to my head, money on the line, those are my squads. Rooting interest: the local Jets, Peyton to get rid of the monkey, gotta go for an end to T.O.'s season (even if it costs McNabb a title) and who gives a flying fuck in Rams-Falcons.

ESPN's Sunday Night Crew Gets Zero Stars!

Every year I look forward to Dr. Z.'s TV Commentator Awards. Last year his review of the ESPN Sunday Night crew of Mike Patrick, Joe Theismann and Paul Maguire not only inspired me to write a post titled ESPN's Sunday Night Football Crew Worse Than Gigli , but I originated The ESPN Sunday Night Football Drinking Game. I'm a tell ya what, every Sunday night my referral stats show more and more football message boards picking up on the game. The thread always begins like this: "I HATE these guys!!!!" Then someone searches Google and finds the game.

Well, this year, DR. Z. GAVE THEM ZERO STARS!

Anyway, I'm a HUGE supporter of these guys now. I hope ESPN doesn't switch a thing. First of all I laugh my ass off every week when I watch, Watch, WATCH the replays. And we've got a movement going. I just hope it continues, even if it means more airtime for Solomon Wilcots, whom Dr. Z. rated the highest in the game. I can't tell you how many conversations I've had with fellow sports fans about how awesome Solomon Wilcots is. Seriously, I can't.

Things The Internet Has Taught Us

There's no doubt that the Internet has made us more intelligent and our lives more efficient. That may not apply to people who spend hours a day downloading porn, but for the other 28% of us, it's true.

A few years ago a woman was telling me she was looking for a new computer. I told her to go online, do a price-comparison and order online to save on tax. She told me she "didn't have time to surf the Internet." Whatever, lady. I guess you "don't have time" to make informed decisions.

Anyway, here's some other insights said ho may have missed out on.

Shit Is Cheap, Yo
Every since eBay, Half.com and other sites kicked "location, location, location" in the balls, I feel ripped off for everything I paid for before the late-'90s. And forget about supply and demand. Demand for almost everything remained constant — save Hootie and the Blowfish CDs — but supply has increased exponentially, as we're no longer limited to products offered by local stores or merchants large enough to afford TV or print direct marketing. I don't know about all collectibles, but my interests (sports cards and old publications) have seen prices plummet as the Internet has given power to the people to host daily garage sales, without a garage or even a need to feature a significant number of products.

Have you been to an Old Navy after Christmas? They pay you when you leave the store. "Let's see, a fleece, workout pants and a couple pairs of boxers. Here's your receipt and $20."

Success is Fleeting, Even More So Than Before
Remember when AOL flat-out dominated the ISP world? They packaged the easiest-to-use e-mail, message boards, chat, web browser and content. They bought Time Warner with nothing but credit card numbers.

Then they got their doors blown off in every category but instant messaging, the only part of its product that had any sort of customer lock-in. And then they offered that to non-AOL subscribers. Amazingly, AOL still has four or five subscribers between the ages of 8 and 80. Are they even a player anymore in anything Internet-related? Have they signed up a new subscriber since 2000? Is there anyone who's hanging around for anything but the right to keep their e-mail address? Those 700 FREE HOURS CDs are gonna be a running joke in business circles till the day I die.

People Are Mad Horny
We kinda knew this before the Internet, but my god. We always had strip clubs and porno shops, and we always figured people were lying about their rate of masturbation. But, holy shit, the numbers don't lie, man. There's been one period of time in the history of the Internet where sex-related topics didn't dominate search engines, and that was after 9/11. That's a fact. Real searches used to find my own site Wednesday: "how to talk a girl into anal sex," "bukkake humour," "what is 54 single man to do," "basic instinct free download sex scene sharon stone," "Gilligan's Island Fake Nude pics" and the everyday No. 1 "milfs."

There's a Security Code on the Back of Credit Cards
You know that three-digit code you have to enter to validate your purchase of a VHS tape of Hamburger ... The Motion Picture? I never knew the damn thing was there.

People Are Meaner Than You Thought
Here we are in 2005, and the top complaints about an ever-evolving system of communication are not related to technology but people. E-mail spam, comment spam, etc., all the product of vermin. Can't we get hold of just one of these guys and hang 'em by his nuts in public? Someone's gotta go all Eliot Spitzer on these assclowns.

Somewhere Someone Is Into Something
Pissing pics, family nudism, Ashlee Simpson. Nothing is too weird for some people out there.

Today's Web Finds:

• Video: Asshat Does Shot of Dish Soap — You're not going to believe this, but he pukes. Afterward I'm sure they all celebrated with a couple of backyard-wrestling steel-chair shots.

• Follow the Bouncing Red Ball — Not Safe for Work, Not That I Care. One of those ball-under-the-rotating-cups games. If you're a male and get this one your first try, then you're gay.

• 100 Most Often Mispronounced Words and Phrases — I'm still debating whether you should pronounce the "t" in often. I trained myself into doing it, and some dumb chick at a bar was making fun of me for it. She was a bitch 100 ways over, but at least she's got that drinking problem going for her.

• The Tongue Twister Database — Some of these would actually make for a fun drinking game, where you drink for as many times as you can't run through a phrase without screwing up. Try this one: "A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk."

• McLean Stevenson, Max Kellerman and Dirty Dancing? — Yep, ol' Henry Blake of M*A*S*H played the namesake of a future wisecracking FOX Sports Net host in a TV series about a movie I wouldn't watch if my life depended on it. Found that IMBD gem after researching the M*A*S*H episode "Abyssinia Henry," which has always been regarded as one of TV's most-memorable moments. Also see: alternative endings to "Abyssinia Henry."

• Subliminal Messages — More of those optical illusions that should be good for killing 10 minutes at work. You're on your own for the other 470.

• Ikea Commercial: Kid Plays With Vibrator on Christmas — How hard up do you have to be to whore out your three-year-old to a crappy furniture manufacturer to the point where he's playing with a vibrator under a Christmas tree?

• Poker Babes — A pretty well-done, candid look at the life of an attractive poker-playing broad. The legends profiles include engaging first-person accounts, and there's some poker strategy to read up on before hitting the tables and getting gored.

• Portrait Illustration Maker — I tried it and came out looking like a transvestite, but maybe you'll have better luck.

• TV Cream's Top 100 Toys — You know the list is shit when Rubik's Cube ranks only at 93 (below Sorry!, for god's sake), when it's clearly one of the top toy fads ever. Still, I'm amazed they got pictures of all this old crap. Brings back a lot of memories and makes we wonder how simple I must have been to actually be entertained by this stuff. As previously discussed, my favorite toy ever was Intellivision. (Found on GorillaMask.net)

• RobertCat's Blog — A new offering from a PK.com reader. (You're all entitled to a plug, especially if you love the Yankees and say nice things about me on your site, as Robert did.)

Please Donate All You Can to the Yankees

A terrible thing has happened, and images of the fallout been nothing short of devastating. A lot of people are in need of your money, and you know exactly what I'm talking about.

The Yankees failed to land the most-prized free agent on the market.

It was all because of money, and we can't allow such a thing to happen again. That's why I implore all of you to look into your hearts and send what you can to:

New York Yankees Payroll Fund
c/o George M. Steinbrenner III
Yankee Stadium
161 Street and River Avenue
Bronx, NY 10451

Please join me and my friends Randy Johnson, Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter, Gary Sheffield, Mariano Rivera, Mike Mussina, Hideki Matsui, Jorge Posada and other potential 2005 All-Stars as we lead the charge toward an eighth straight AL East title.

If you cannot afford to send cash today, please keep the Yankees in your hearts this season by buying tickets, apparel, enough Stadium hot dogs to feed Kobayashi for a month, or simply by keeping your TV tuned to the YES network, in order to drive up ad revenues.

***

Today's baseball trivia question: What's the most money ever paid by a team for a player who, in six full seasons, has made only one All-Star team, has never been among the league's top 10 in any Triple Crown category (BA, HR, RBI), has never finished higher than ninth in MVP voting, has never won a Gold Glove or led the league in anything but games played (once).

Answer: $119 million by the New York Mets, 2004.

Meet the New England Patriots of College Basketball

On a night when Syracuse has apparently found its new football coach in Texas co-defensive coordinator Greg Robinson, I saw what I believe to be the Orange's best basketball team in school history break Notre Dame's will in a 70-61 road win. I know I saw the smartest, most poised team in the 15 years I've closely followed the program.

Granted, the squad's nucleus of Hakim Warrick, Gerry McNamara, Josh Pace and Billy Edelin matches the 2003 national championship team (minus Carmelo Anthony), and you can't exactly top that result, but these guys play so well together, they truly form a sum greater than the addition of their individual parts.

Down eight points with 14:11 to go, with Warrick in major foul trouble and the Joyce Center pretty much up for grabs, I kinda wrote the game off. It happens. Sometimes the bank is closed, the rim gets tight on free throws and things snowball. Despite a 15-1 record and a No. 7 ranking coming in, Syracuse was only a one-point favorite anyway.

I should have known better, though. I've seen this team play (and win) live at Madison Square Garden three times this year — twice against ranked opponents — and the second half is where they made their money, making smarter passes, getting better shots and not giving an inch on defense. And that's exactly what happened in South Bend, where SU went on a 24-8 run in which six different players scored and each contributed mightily to the most well-executed 2-3 zone in the nation. Forty Minutes of Hell it ain't. But Forty Minutes of Frustration? Perhaps.

We don't have four McDonald's All-Americans, like Duke. We don't have three starters 6-9 or taller, like UConn. We don't have Dukie V. recruiting for us, like he does every ACC school (even though three of the last six national champs came from the Big East). But what we have is a team that reminds me of the New England Patriots. Syracuse may not lead in ink, but they make things look easier than they are. They leave departing fans thinking, "Damn, those guys were tough," even when they don't play their best. Monday night, 'Cuse converted only 4 of 15 (.267) three-pointers and were a horrendous 10-for-24 (.417) from the foul line.

Notre Dame came into the game at 10-2 and came close to cracking the latest Top 25 hoops poll. But despite playing on their home court and not getting Syracuse's best, they lost somewhat convincingly.

An unselfish, poised team with one of the game's best coaches (the days of Jim Boeheim being criticized for not getting enough out of players are long gone) reminds me a little of the team that's won two of the last three Super Bowls. The NCAA Tournament can be such a crap shoot; one bad game in six and you're out. But this team's got the talent, smarts and moxie to pull a two-out-of-three itself.

ESPN.com's Bracketology has them as a 3-seed. OK, I guess. Matchups mean a lot, and maybe they don't match up well against the top teams in the nation, but I'm not trading this squad for anyone right now.

Other Sports Ruminations:

• The NFL has lost some dignity and it's its own fault. How is Randy Moss not even penalized for unsportsmanlike conduct on a play deemed so "offensive" that it wasn't replayed during FOX's telecast or on ESPN later that night? Mocking a mooning of a crowd wasn't exactly "sportsmanlike." FOX airs a reality TV show about a woman guessing her true father. ESPN airs an entire season of Playmakers, for god's sake. But their morals are such that they won't show a guy pretending to expose his ass to a crowd of people that, as Tony Dungy explains, is a retort to people who have exposed their own asses to opposing players many times.

Put in the proper context, the "celebration" wasn't offensive, but merely an indictment of where the NFL has let itself go. They've lost control of some of these clowns, a proven nut case like Moss among them.

• You could wager on the Mets at 50/1 to win the World Series on BetOnSports.com on Monday. The Yanks were favored at 2/1, but how 'bout putting a measly $10 on the Mets? Not a bad pick, considering they have to be about even money to make the postseason, no?

• Randy Johnson has an altercation with a camera man on his way to take physical in New York. Not good. I can only imagine what Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez go through. The Big Unit has to at least endure ½ of it for $16 million a year.

• Have you tuned into a college basketball game? See many fights? See much scripted taunting of opposing teams, coaches or fans? See anything more than a passion to represent one's own school? In college basketball, even at the highest levels, there are bosses. Real bosses. In the NFL, it seems there is no authority. The inmates run the asylum.

• When did it become socially acceptable for ESPN to scroll women's college hoops scores on The Bottom Line? 'Cause I missed the memo about people actually giving a crap about women's basketball.

• Peyton Manning received 47 of 48 first-place votes for NFL MVP, the other going to Michael Vick. I make a motion that no more Madden Challenge winners be allowed to vote. Seriously, how could anyone with 1/10th of a brain think that the Colts would be anywhere near 13-3 with Jim Sorgi at QB? Vick had a QB rating of 78.1, good enough for 21st in the league. His 17 TDs rushing and passing in 16 games does not an MVP make. One of the most blatant examples of idiocy in an MVP vote since Barry Bonds lost eight first-place votes in 2004. People, he's been getting on base 60% of the time for four years! Stop looking for excuses why not to vote him MVP.

• I went 4-0 against the spread in my wild-card round picks. Since you can't see through the monitor, pretend I'm taking a bow.

• Peyton Manning tossed 33 passes on Sunday, threw almost as many touchdowns (4) as incompletions (6), and averaged 14 yards every time he dropped back. Sick. Sick. Sick.

• In case you haven't heard, Norman Chad is with Don Everest, known as the Matador, for his ability to lure young bullls into the ring...

Review: My Adult Foray Into Dodgeball

See that jackass about to wind up and try to cream someone with a dodgeball? That's me.

Awhile back I did a review of ZogSports, the righteous charity NYC-based sports co-ed league in which I play football, softball, basketball, and now, dodgeball. You've never seen so many white people in your life, aside from 2001, when I saw Bon Jovi, U2 and Elton John in concert and realized that music polarizes society like nothing else ... unless you get a bunch of lawyers, marketers and financial analysts throwing balls at each other's noggins.

Anyway, dodgeball. Yeah, I turn 32 next month. I haven't played it since before Michael Jackson was known for the moonwalk, way before he was known for touching little dodgeballers' pee-pees. A bunch of gals from my co-ed Chico's Bail Bonds football team launched the initiative to start a dodgeball squad, and I enrolled, with the suggestion that we choose the level of play (competitive, casual, extreme casual) based on how many good-looking women would be in the league.

I figured I wouldn't have the temperament for it. I don't know what it means to play for fun. I've taken many a first date to the pool hall and have blanked these chicks; 7-0, 5-0, 9-0, 6-0, whatever it takes. One time, I distinctly remember a girlfriend getting pissed when I didn't congratulate her on a legal shot that bounced like six rails inadvertently and holed some "slop." She killed me for not saying, "nice shot", and I told her I would have if it wasn't one of the worst I'd ever seen. So much for honestly. In softball, I'm pretty much known as the guy who screams at anyone who throws to the wrong base. (Many, many references available upon request.)

Obviously, I'm setting this post up as some athletic, macho guy who joins a dodgeball league to score chicks. Let's see how it turned out.

1. I Totally Got Sucked Into the Madness
I arrived sorta late, when the rules were being discussed. Just a first-week scrimmage; no biggie. Four teams in attendance and three games to be played, one against each opposing team. It took me about two seconds to turn into a nut.

I've got a strong arm. I swear one of the greatest moments of my life was at the San Genaro Festival in Little Italy where they had one of those baseball speed guns. I watched for about 15 minutes and no one broke 58 m.p.h. I threw 71 (twice) in a dress shirt and, despite almost needing surgery because of how much pain I felt, I was in ecstasy after having heard the oohs from the crowd after not only breaking 60, but reaching 70. WTF, you're asking? 71 is no biggie. Well, these things are relative. Maybe the gun wasn't accurate, but I threw 22% harder than everyone else nonetheless. Roughly the equivalent of Ketchup Sock Schilling throwing 92 m.p.h. and Big Unit Johnson following up with 112 m.p.h.

So I was gunning. These balls were Nerf-ier than the red rubbers we were used to in grammar school. So they kinda took off instead of cutting through the air. I was blasting the far wall, amid protests from the pussy in the Yankees hat (I hate to say that) who cried numerous times that I was aiming "straight for his head." The dude was 40 feet away. Relax, Nomar.

By the end of the day, I was telling my teammates I wanted to kill at least two or three people, including one ultra-puss who seriously decked one of our girls. I went less than 100% at the females, and one of them caught a ball I threw. That won't happen again. But I wasn't the one who pegged some chick in the ear, which I thought was kinda, sorta maybe a little funny.

Long story short; I was sucked into being a raging, competitive jackass within two minutes of playing dodgeball.

2. I Got Hit in the Balls
Toward the end of the first game, it was down to two players a side; me and a male teammate against a chick and a dude. With four teams in attendance, there were about 40 people watching. And they were into it, as this was the first scrimmage of the initial dodgeball season. Anyone who had played dodgeball in a dozen years should have had T-O-O-L stamped on his head. The rest were trying to refresh their memories about what to do.

I gotta admit, it was pretty tense. I had a ball, and so did my teammate. I forgot there were four balls in play. So I looked to him to signal C-H-A-R-G-E, when I wheeled around, just in time to hear, "Look out," but not before a ball hit me square in the nuts. Among the most embarrassing things that have ever happened to me, this is in the top five.

Getting hit in the balls in dodgeball is a no-win situation. You either writhe in pain like a loser or walk off like nothing happened, indicting yourself as having a small package. I chose the latter. I still don't know if it was the right decision.

3. I Got Hurt By a Ball Thrown By a Girl
Late in the final game, some chick throws a ball at me that I catch quite easily, but I dropped instinctively to me knees to catch it, right on the hardwood floor, bashing my right knee into the ground. Much later that evening, amid six shots of Black Haus bought for me by my friend (who complained about two chicks pissing on some toilet seat in the women's room several hours earlier) I could feel some serious soreness that might prohibit me from doing leg exercises in the gym Monday. Normally not a bad thing, but in this case, quite humbling.

To recap: So there you have it. Dodgeball, with women, and I fall into the trap of actually caring, getting hit in the balls and picking up at least a mild injury. One of the more pathetic afternoons of my life.