PaulKatcher.com

Big Unit Finally Coming; Tino to Clean Up Mess

You can't be an Evil Empire without signing a deal with the devil — or at least a contract extension — and so I'm pleased that the Diamondbacks have acknowledged their suckiness and agreed to trade to the Yankees five-time Cy Young Award winner Randy Johnson, a man whom I've called The Devil for some years now.

Johnson is responsible for the two most devastating losses I've experienced as a Yankees fan. And before you "idiots" flatter yourselves even more by thinking every moment in Yankees history is tied to a New England team that's finished in second place seven times running, allow me to present to you this context:

• 1995 ALCS, Game 5: I caught the baseball bug right around the time Donald Arthur Mattingly first suited up for the Yankees. The Bombers won the World Series in 1977 and 1978, when I was 4 and 5 years old, respectively. They advanced to another World Series when I was 8, but I was too young to appreciate that team, led by the original A-Rod (Aurelio Rodriguez). The Greatest Living Ballplayer (Mattingly) would experience postseason baseball for the first time in 1995, and so would I.

Like all loyal Yankees fans, I can rattle off Pinstripers from the '80s and early '90s that make you cringe — Don Slaught, Wayne Tolleson, Bob Geren, Mike Blowers, Joel Skinner and, yes, the 1993 return of Stephen Charles Balboni (career average .229). I paid to see these men play, to carry on the tradition of the Yankees, a tradition that always seemed to tease me. Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle ... Pasqua?

I was there at Yankee Stadium for Games 1 and 2 against the Mariners. I was one of those who gave Mattingly the most thunderous pre-game ovation I have ever heard in any sport. Not for the lineup announcements; I mean the pre-game stretching. Ask anyone who was there; they'll never forget it. Anyway, the Bombers cracked six homers in two games — including one from Mattingly ("Hold on to the roof!") — the last of which was a game-winner by Jim Leyritz in the 15th inning of Game 2, which ended shortly before 2 a.m. in the rain. Bedlam.

Then it was on to Seattle, where The Devil himself started and won Game 3. With him out of our way, all we had to contend with were Ken Griffey, Jr. and Edgar Martinez, who hit like .950 combined for the series. The Yanks blew an early 5-0 lead in Game 4, losing 11-8, and so we went to a deciding fifth game. They held a 4-2 lead before the M's tied it at 4. In the top of the ninth inning, against Norm Charlton, Tony Fernandez led off with a leadoff double. Randy Velarde followed with a walk. (On another TV at the bar, a friend PK.com readers may know by his screen name, Anchorman, was cheering for Shannon Sharpe to get some yards for his fantasy football team. A true Mets fan.) First and second, nobody out and I could barely breathe. Who shall come out of the bullpen? The Devil! Boggs: Whiff. Bernie: pop-out. O'Neill: pop-out. Things stayed tied till the top of the 11th, when Randy Velarde scored pinch-runner Pat Kelly on a single. The M's followed with two in the bottom half to win a spectacular back-and-forth series, one that would be the most devastating sports loss I would encounter ... till six years later, when The Devil reared his ugly head yet again.

• 2001 World Series, Game 7: Only The Devil could write an unhappy ending to this script. After what New Yorkers had been through in September (imagine that to-be parade of red, white and blue inter-locking NY's), after the comeback from down 0-2 to the A's, after the back-to-back, two-out, ninth-inning, two-run homers off Byung-Hyun Kim (The Angel) that sent us back to Arizona up 3-2 and looking for a fourth straight World Series title. Since The Devil slayed us in 1995, we'd been perfect in four ALCS and four World Series. The thought of the Yankees losing in the World Series was unfathomable.

Johnson, who had the audacity to pitch a three-hit shutout in Game 2, got 11 runs of support in the first three innings of Game 6 (guess who won that one?). So it's Clemens vs. Schilling in Game 7, with The Devil completely out of the picture. The D-Backs let Schilling hit in the bottom of the seventh of a game tied 1-1. He strikes out and comes out for the eighth, when he promptly gives up a lead-off home run to Alfonso Soriano. See ya, Future Ketchup Sock. After an out, a single by Dave Justice, who had struck out nine times in 11 previous 2001 WS at-bats and about whom Bill Simmons wrote "set a record for most hits by a corpse." A fielder's choice followed and then ... god, no ... I see the horns, the mullet, the whole package. It's ... The Devil!

Johnson gets out of the inning and the next, after Mariano Rivera struck out three around a Steve Finley single. In the bottom the ninth, a lot of crap happened and the three-peat was history. I returned my girlfriend's call and left a message that sounded like it came from a man dying on the side of a road in Montana.

But let's let by-gones be by-gones. I don't know what uniform number he's got in mind (51 is Bernie, 15 was Munson's), but it will be nice to see The Devil on the mound for us instead of coming out of the bullpen for someone else on two-hours' rest for his eighth appearance in a single series.

Did you know? Johnson has a career ERA of 3.07 in 17 seasons. Kevin Brown has a career ERA of 3.20 in 18 seasons. Brown's ERA was 3.00 or less in seven of the last nine seasons, last year not being one, but 4.09 should get it done most of the time with the Yankees' lineup. I wouldn't mind giving him another shot in New York. Mike Mussina's career ERA (3.59) also compares favorably to Ketchup Sock's (3.32).

In other Yankees news Constantino Martinez will be back wearing No. 24 in an effort to clean up that mess we call The Yankees' First-Base Job, Starring the Guy Formerly Known as Jason Giambi. Super-fan Karen Bischer's mom says, "Ooh good. Now they get more good looking!", quite a testament to Martinez on a day they also appear to be welcoming Johnson, who's never been misidentified as Brad Pitt.

Earlier this year, Bronx Banter did a terrific interview with Buster Olney, author of The Last Night of the Yankee Dynasty, about the roles certain 1996-2001 players assumed in the clubhouse. Olney was quite complimentary of Martinez as a guy whose presence was of great benefit to others. Unlike, say, Ted McGinley on a TV show.

The most interesting thing about Martinez, to me, is that he replaced the beloved Mattingly in New York and equally adorded Mark McGwire in St. Louis. He also replaced Travis Lee in Tampa Bay, who had like 10-15 fans, as well.

And the most interesting thing, to me, about The Last Night of the Yankee Dynasty? The title references the Game 7 loss in the 2001 World Series, and yet the cover photo is of a dejected Mariano Rivera in a home uniform. The friggin' game was in Arizona. What, where there no cameras around?

Other Sports Links:

• Predicting Future Yankees Payrolls — ESPN.com, with a hint of seriousness, looks at which players the Yankees might add in the coming years. Alfonso Soriano in 2007? You know it. I've been saying since the day we traded him for A-Rod that he'll be back to play with Jeter and Rodriguez.

• A New Dynasty Awaits — Smart-ass Yankees hater Jim Caple on the sentiments Bombers fans must be feeling with the potential additions of Big Unit and Carols Beltran (less likely, but still probable). Some funny stuff in there from the writer whom I'd love to have a beer with someday (and leave duct-taped to the bar stool). Caple writes, "After all, when was the last time the Yankees were able to trade for or sign a superstar like this? I mean, not counting Alex Rodriguez, Gary Sheffield, Mike Mussina, Jason Giambi or Roger Clemens."

• Class as Usual From Pasqualoni — Coach P. addressed the media one day after being sacked as Syracuse football coach, and he proved why any parent would be glad to play for a guy like him. Those qualities count more, of course, in high school, where coaches aren't paid as well. In high-profile Division I programs, where salaries range from hundreds of thousands to a couple million dollars a year, character-building is never going to weigh as much as filling the building. Jim Boeheim, however, disagrees.

• Cheer Squad Fired for Stripping at Game — SportsByBrooks has the scoop, and better yet, the picture, about the minor league basketball Kansas City Knights' cheerleading squad, which got a rise out of the crowd by stripping down to bikini tops and thongs. (Thanks, Shumpy.)

• Scott Wright's 2005 NFL Mock Draft — Very in-depth first-round analysis. Best part: the word "motor" is used only twice.

Syracuse Takes a P, Flushes Pasqualoni

Paul Pasqualoni wasn't the third-highest salaried employee at Syracuse University (see top eight) because he was a good man. By all accounts, he was — and is — a good man. But there are plenty of lesser-paid, good people on that campus who touch just as many lives as the football coach.

Coach P., who was fired Wednesday by new SU athletic director Daryl Gross, was paid handsomely to help generate revenue in the industry known Division I-A college football. There are plenty of numbers athletic programs use to measure success — graduation rate and winning percentage, for example — but no number in any business means more than the bottom line, the dollar.

Coach P.'s record A.D. (After Donovan) was 39-33. The 50,000 seat Carrier Dome was, on average, a quarter empty, and only a winning team, not a graduating one, is going to bring those people — and their money — back. ESPN doesn't base its TV schedule on graduation rate, only expected audience. People don't tune in to see .500 teams. Top-flight recruits don't want to play for .500 teams.

I will always have fond memories of the Coach P. era. He was promoted from linebackers coach to head coach in my sophomore season, and I was there for his first two 10-2 seasons, a thrilling period in which Marvin Graves, Chris Gedney, David Walker and Qadry Ismail led one of the nation's most dynamic offenses. With apologies to the St. Louis Rams, we had one helluva show on turf, too. Just ask Florida, Texas, Ohio State and Colorado, four of the upper-echelon teams we defeated in my sophomore and junior years.

In 1995, Pasqualoni was smart enough to start freshman Donovan McNabb, who would develop into the greatest quarterback in school history, winning three Big East Offensive Player of the Year awards while shining in convincing road victories at Miami and Michigan. Today, we can't expect to compete with any top-flight school. Today, we can't beat Temple, can't hang in for even a half against Georgia Tech and Purdue.

Coach P. was at SU for 14 years, and he earned the right to be there for 14 years. But I think the right business decision was to make a change before the 15th. I also hope the Syracuse community and alumni recognize that many of the football team's brightest moments came under this decent man's watch. He should forever be welcome on campus.

Other Sports Links:

• ESPN.com's Page 3 Year-in-Review — You're gonna love it. Ya know why? 'Cause I wrote it.

• The Bronx All-Stars — Buster Olney on how sick the Yankees are gonna look if they lock up Randy Johnson and Carlos Beltran.

• Old Paul Maguire Football Card and AFL Bio — You know I love this guy. I'm a tell ya what, I didn't know he "was involved in one of the most spectacular plays in Bills' history," when he crushed two Chargers on a punt return for a TD in the 1965 AFL title game. I wold love to watch, Watch, WATCH a replay of that.

• Packers Break U.S. Flag Code; Fly Old Glory at Half-Staff for White — The code specifies that the honor is reserved for principal figures of the U.S. government. So that would be Secretary of Defense, not Minister of Defense.

• NFL Playoff Scenarios — Better print this out and keep it with you Sunday, because there's no way you're gonna be able to follow Week 17 otherwise.

• Legendary Yankees Organist Eddie Layton Dies — This guy played Happy Birthday about a million times, yet the AP reports that the Yankees did not know Layton's age.

• The Road Not Taken — A Sports Illustrated (subscription required) feature on the most intriguing might-have-beens, such as Eagles coach Vince Lombardi, New York Met Roger Clemens, registered pharmacist Jack Nicklaus and ESPN: The Sports Illustrated cable network.

Review: Coming to America

Tuesday night I was sitting at Yogi's, braving the cold and my 12th drink of the day, when I came across the Village Voice's Sixth Annual Film Critics' Poll (which, sadly, didn't include any porn titles). I began thinking of the cultural impact movies have on our lives. All those people in L.A. getting breast implants and screwing directors for our benefit. It's time to give back.

One of the most socially significant movies of my time is Coming to America, the story of an African prince from Zamunda who comes to Queens to find his royal bride. (Most people go to Queens to score 10 runs against the Mets, but whatever.) The moral of the story is that people should be who they are on the inside and not base decisions on material wants. Bullshit, I know. That's why I will document some of the real lessons found in one of the most influential movies ever created.

1. God Loves Everyone
He helped Joshua fight the battle of Jericho, he helped Daniel get out the lion's den, he helped Gilligan get off the island.

2. Bath Time Is Fun
When it's time to clean the Royal Penis, best to have some help. BTW, I have a free PK.com t-shirt for anyone who actually calls his member the Royal Penis. Two shirts for any gal who has ever said, "The Royal Penis is clean, your highness."

3. Rocky Marciano Is the Greatest Fighter of All Time
He beat Joe Louis' ass. Plus, I'm white, so I just pull that out of my ass every time a trio of barbers starts talking about boxing.

4. Rent Must Be Paid on Time
Don't be pullin' that fallin'-down-the-stairs shit if you're conscious.

5. America is Fascinatingly Free
Freedom to throw out broken glass on the street is why we tossed that tea in the Boston Harbor. (Also because tea is for sissies.)

6. McDonald's Is Paranoid About Copyright Infringement
Chill out, Ronald. Golden Arcs are not Golden Arches. Big Mics are not Big Macs. And two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce and cheese sandwiches taste completely different on seedless buns.

7. When You Think of Garbage, Think of Akeem
When I think of the New York Giants, I think of Akeem.

8. Put it in the Face
I tried that once. She never talked to me again.

9. Let Your Soul Glo
Ask A.C. Green, about whom Magic Johnson confirmed in an interview with Stuff: "He once got so much grease on the balls that Pat Riley had to call off practice."

And finally, (drumroll please) ..........................

The most important lesson learned in Coming to America:

10. The Children Are Our Future!
Who else but Jackson Heights' own Randy Watson (whom you may know as Joe the Policeman in the What's Going Down? episode of That's My Mama) could, in his own unique way, hammer home the ideal that we must show them all the beauty they posses insi-i-i-i-i-id-e? Give them a sense (pregnant pause) of pride.

Randy and his band, Sexual Chocolate (they play so fine, don't you agree?), tell us that children are the greatest love of all, which is an interesting take, considering I want to kill every single one in a theater, restaurant or airplane. But, hey, to each his own.

And now I would like to give you all a great gift, a belated Festivus present: downloadable MP3 of Sexual Chocolate's Greatest Love of All!

Weekend Sports Wrap: Call Vegas My Daddy

Remember last year when I posted about being the worst sports gambler ever? Well, I've gotten worse. And, as far as I'm concerned, Tom Coughlin owes me $16.90.

Before the start of the NFL season, I placed a whole $10 at -145 on the Giants winning more than 6 games. For the math-challenged, that means all the Giants had to do was win 7 games, and I would have netted a cool $6.90 profit. No wonder Vegas hookers run from me like Ben Johnson with a needle in his ass.

Two months ago, when I cashed in on the Chargers winning more than 4½ games, I posted on the status of some paltry future bets, and had this to say about the Giants, who were then 5-2, on fire since an opening-week diaster at Philadelphia:

Giants win more than 6 games (-145): Done deal. Unless they go 1-8 to finish the season. In which case I'll kill myself and, therefore, won't really need the money.

I'm working on the will right now. Who wants my 14-year-old box of Wheaties commemorating Big Blue's Super Bowl XXV victory?

Folks, the Giants are 0-8 since I wrote that. 0-and-fucking-8! I needed an NFL team that had won five of its last six to win only two of its last nine, and it didn't happen. Wilt Chamberlain never got screwed like this.

I swear people should be paying me to bet on their favorite team's opponents in the playoffs. I'm that horrible. I think I'm gonna bet $10 right now on the second-place Red Sox repeating as World Series winners.

Sorry, Falcons fans, but I do have one futures bet still alive: Atlanta at 22-1 to win it all. No doubt that even if they get to Jacksonville, Michael Vick will pull a Eugene Robinson and get arrested for soliciting a prostitute (for $40!) the night before the Super Bowl. Actually, in that case, Vick would still start. Robinson did.

Other Sports Ruminations:

• I'm a disciple of the Madden video game cult, but what do you think of this? Maguire 2006! A Paul Maguire-influenced video game where all the coverboys are punters, the commentary is filled with I'm-a-tell-ya-whats and he comes up with things like what he said to Joe Theismann on Sunday: "When you start thinking, that's when you get in trouble."

• That Lakers-Heat game, all drama aside, was awesome. So was Packers-Vikings and Raiders-Chiefs. Guess who missed the end of all those games due to family commitments? The same webmaster who sat through The Producers dying to get out of the St. James Theater so he could get some circulation back in his legs after being crammed into a seat tighter than Marge Schott's wallet. I haven't been that uncomfortable since I had to explain to some huge dude in college why I was drinking beer straight out of his pitcher. (Reason: 'Cause it was there.)

• Sad to hear the news of Reggie White's death, but his defining moment, for me, was a 1998 speech to the Wisconsin State Assembly in which he made some questionable comments typical of the Bible-thumpers who scare the crap out of me. Highlight: "Now, I believe that one of the reasons that Jesus was accused of being a homosexual is because he spent time with homosexuals. I've often had people ask me, would you allow a homosexual to be your friend. Yes, I will. And the reason I will is because I know that person has problems, and if I can minister to those problems, I will."

And here I thought their only problem was being persecuted and, sometimes, physically harmed for doing things that don't interfere with anyone. A line from a Syracuse football forum: "Somewhere tonight an Asian man will shed a tear as he busily turns a watch into a television." Actually, White said that Asians can turn a television into a watch, whatever the hell that means.

White eloquently summed up the "gift" of the white man: "White people were blessed with the gift of structure and organization. You guys do a good job of building businesses and things of that nature and you know how to tap into money pretty much better than a lot of people do around the world."

Now all you people get out of my way while I tap into money!

• You thought Shaq's "greeting" with Kobe was chilly? Check out this game note from the New York Daily News: "Shaunie O'Neal sat with her husband's entourage, which included a man wearing a T-shirt with a picture of Bryant with his arm draped on O'Neal's shoulder. Not a big deal, except that Bryant's face was scratched out and replaced by a drawing of a rat head."

• With USC senior associate athletic director Daryl Gross being hired as Syracuse's new athletic director, there is talk of offensive coordinator Norm Chow coming with him to be head coach the football team. And to that I say, "Wow! Coach P, take a bow. We need Chow. Now."

• What in god's name were the Dolphins doing playing Hot Potato with an interception return early in the third quarter of Sunday night's game? That was the dumbest thing I've seen in pro sports since Manny Ramirez cut off a Johnny Damon throw on what turned out to be an inside-the-park home run.

• At least the Giants pulling a Washington Generals for the second straight year means they'll get an awesome first-round draft pick. Oh wait, we don't have one.

Shaq vs. Kobe: Will the Corvette Get Wrecked?

The NBA's Christmas Day showdown between the Heat and Lakers has been called the most anticipated regular-season matchup in years, and I have to agree.

Of course it's the most-anticipated matchup in years. It's the only anticipated regular-season matchup ever. Yo NBA, no one gives a shit about your regular season!

Seriously, can you recall more than two details from any regular-season game in the history of the NBA? Um, Michael had a cool dunk, the Bulls won, and that's all I remember.

Anyway, we're all looking for the same thing in this game: blood. Could be Shaq's blood. More likely's Kobe's blood. Perhaps even Jack Nicholson's blood, if he comes to Kobe's aid when the Corvette hits the brick wall.

Personally, I'm expecting Kobe to go full-on O.J. in the very near future. Maybe he won't actually murder two people, but I'm talkin' a police chase ("It's Vlade, damn it. You know who this is!"), two 60 Minutes interviews 10 years apart, Hall of Fame induction debate, the works.

Here's a brief FAQ, as I see it, on the Dec. 25 (3 p.m. ET) matchup:

What kind of ovation will Shaq get upon introduction?
Huge, huge rousing one, like Ron Jeremy on a month's worth of Viagra.

How will Kobe react?
He'll want to kill everyone in the stands.

How will the two players greet at half-court before tip-off?
Like two guys who accused each other in the national media of being unfaithful to their wives. In other words, like they absolutely hate each other.

Will there be a fight?
I expect both teams to hire a cut man for the game.

How will the NBA respond?
Shaq and Kobe will both be suspended till their next meeting on March 17 in Miami.

Who will be some of the dignitaries in the crowd?
Jack Nicholson, Dyan Cannon, Dr. Ferdie Pacheco, Ron Artest, Hulk Hogan, Ivan Drago, Jamal Tinsley and his dustpan, the Gooch, Chuck Zito, Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds, Lou from Back to School, and Rocco Graziosa (who clocked David Wells in Gracie's Diner in 2002).

Other Sports Links:

• Phil Jackson Q&A on Kobe-Shaq Showdown — The Zen Master recommends for Kobe a book titled When Bad Things Happen to Good People. I would recommend How to Keep it in Your Pants and Try to Co-Exist With the Best Player and Coach in the League So You Don't Find Yourself Going From Matching Jordan's Six Rings One Day to Being Lucky to Make the Playoffs.

• Five Worst Teams in NFL History — Let me tell ya, the No. 1 spot is certainly up for grabs. Great intro from Don Banks, who points out that the Redskins, if things fall into place this weekend, could control their own playoff fate (at 6-9!) next weekend.

• Derek Jeter: All-Star Ladies' Man — A chronology of the shortstop's loves, if you define "loves" as really hot women you had sex with before moving on to other really hot women to have sex with.

• The 'Privilege' of Covering the Jets — Rich Cimini of the Daily News remembers some instances — such as being cursed out by Bill Parcells for reporting something accurate — when covering the Jets was not the privilege Chad Pennington claims it to be. Also, Boomer Esiason recounts helping a woman involved in a fender-bender after a bad game and getting yelled at by angry fans.

• Talkin' About the Hall — An ESPN.com roundtable discussion on who deserves to be inducted into Cooperstown next summer. Boggs is a definite, Mark Langston should go for serving up that meatball to Tino Martinez in Game 1 of the 1998 World Series and, of course, Don Mattingly, the Greatest Living Ballplayer, should be the first player ever voted unanimously.

• Cuban: Pennington Needs a Blog — The Mavs owner says the Jets QB can relieve himself from being at the mercy of the media by simply having his own self-edited forum.

• SportsByBrooks Holiday-Themed Pics — The gals don Santa hats as visions of their breasts sugar plums dance in my head.

Happy Festivus! (You Know, for the Rest of Us)

Like a true masochist, I shopped in the Times Square Toys R Us on Wednesday, barely surviving a crush of bumbling kids, stumbling parents and fumbling workers. I must admit, it was pretty funny when they'd demo some of the flying toys that would come crashing down on someone's head. Still I thought, "There has to be a another way."

And so did Frank Costanza, who, in "The Strike" (full script), revealed to Seinfeld viewers that the only winter holiday he celebrates is Festivus, observed every December 23. That's today, folks.

Costanza explains the origin: "Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way."

So get out your aluminum pole ("very high strength-to-weight ratio"), gather your family to tell them all the ways they've disappointed you over the year, and engage in feats of strength.

And if you have to go on strike from your job at H&H bagels because someone is infringing on your right to celebrate new holidays, then I have just one thing to say: "Protect Festivus! Hey, no bagels, no bagels, no bagels!"

If all this makes sense to you, congratulations. You've found the right blog.

(Thanks, Art, for the heads-up.)

Festivus Links:
• Sounds From Festivus Episode
• Wikipedia's Festivus Entry
• Seinfeld Phrases: Did you know Seattle is "the pesto of cities?"
• Festivus Episode Screenshots
• N.Y. Times: Fooey to the World: Festivus Is Come
• Festivus E-Cards
• Festivus Shares Space With Fla. Nativity

Other Web Finds:

• 100 Worst Porn Movie Titles — I don't know why Amateurs Only #129 — I'm a Brown Shit-Holed Whore is on the list. The first 128 were pretty good to me.

• Bill O'Reilly Punk'd By 'Jack Mehoffer' — Fair and balanced idiocy, as O'Reilly responds to a complaint from a viewer clearly related to Sofonda Cox, Harry Ballsonya and Dick Fitswell. Remember when the New York Post quoted a guy named Heywoode Jablome? (Link found on GorillaMask.net)

• Yahoo!'s Video Search — A pretty cool feature with this is that it seems to automatically grab the first screen and include it as a thumbnail in the results. So if you're one of six people who have not yet seen Paris Hilton on her back in NightVision — perhaps you're one of the few living humans who hasn't actually had sex with her — now's your chance.

• SneakyCheap — A guide to all the crafty things people do to save money. Sneaking into a high school for the cafeteria? That's pretty funny. The 15-year-olds will think you're a big spender for doubling up on the $1-a-slice pizza.

• Boogerman: Cast of Characters — For the two of you who don't find me immature, I present the Bouncing Booger, Frrt Ghost, Abdominable Sewer Man and more characters from a Sega Genesis game I used to play after I earned a college degree. Actually, earned might be a stretch, but I got one.

• Playboy's "Girls of McDonald's" Photos — Ryan Perry dubs them the McSluts, but I like to refer to these three attractive white chicks as Women Who Have Absolutely No Resemblance to Anyone I've Ever Encountered Behind the Counter at McDonald's. Can you imagine some of the entries that must've come in to Hef? (If I have to even tell you these aren't safe for work, you don't deserve a job.)

• Up for Poker — A poker-themed (duh) group blog, for which CJ of Up for Anything, a fellow alum of Syracuse University (the Harvard of Onondaga County), is a writer.

• Soldier Documents WWE's Visit in Iraq — Homeland asskickers make a visit to those doing the same abroad. Some good pics and quite a touching intro: "Today was a good day. For the first time in a long time I woke up with a smile on my face. You see folks, the WWE was coming to town today. Normally nobody ever comes up to Kirkuk, for some reason everyone goes right to Baghdad. Ted Nugent, Henry Rollins, all of the big name USO shows go there. While we are subject to seeing all of the Army related bands and such. Needless to say it is terribly boring living up here."

Coming to a TV Near You: Kirstie Alley's 'Fat Actress'

I'm sitting at the bar at Pizzeria Uno on Tuesday, chugging a tall draft beer and shoving way too much food down my throat, when I came across a New York Post article that noted Kirstie Alley's upcoming Showtime series Fat Actress, a Curb Your Enthusiasm-style "documentary" about trying to work in Hollywood when you look like you ate half of Burbank. I immediately asked the bartender for a doggie bag.

Being that I have only a 36-inch TV, I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to see all of the show, if you catch my drift. Alley claims that she tipped the scale at a personal best (worst?) of 203 pounds over the summer. Factoring in women's propensity to fudge such numbers, you can safely assume she weighed somewhere between 380 and 1,245 pounds.

Apparently, the show is more "laugh with me" than "laugh at me" and Alley doesn't seem to present herself as a blameless victim — personally, I'd blame the double-fudge cookies — so maybe viewers will sympathize in her quest for weight loss and work, a stark contrast to The Anna Nicole Show, in which we tuned in to see if she'd fall down a flight of stairs drunk.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some leftover Chicago Classic deep-dish pizza in the oven, and we'll see if I get to what remains of the Grilled Buffalo Chicken Quesadilla.

Other Notes From Tuesday:

• The whole time I thought the Randy-Johnson-to-Yankees three-team deal would hit some kind of snag, and I was right. It just reeked too much of A-Rod-to-Boston in 2003. The Dodgers pulled out of the trade, and I wonder if the Red Sux or the Mutts are gonna get their grimy hands involved in all of this. When are these teams gonna learn that what's good for the Yankees is good for baseball? We should be getting Johnson for a back-up minor-league catcher and a couple of scorecards, and not a penny more.

An interesting fact on the Big Unit that I discovered today on his Baseball Reference profile page is that only twice has he ever placed among the top-10 vote-getters for MVP and never has he finished in the top five. (Cue Mike Patrick.) Are you kidding me?! Five Cy Young Awards and a pitcher's Triple Crown (wins, ERA, Ks) in 2002 and never has he been one of the top-five most valuable players in the league?

By comparison, Roger Clemens, winner of seven Cy Young Awards, has one MVP, only one other top-five finish and six overall top-10s. Pedro Martinez has only two top-10s, second place in 1999 and fifth place in 2000. Greg Maddux about the same: fifth in 1994 and third in 1995. Among those four future Hall of Famers you've got 19 Cy Young Awards and only six top-five finishes for MVP. (Cue Stuart Scott.) That ain't right!

Bob Feller alone had five top-five MVP finishes.

• I swear I received this message via e-mail and it wasn't spam: "You mean you're passing up the slave auction and gang bang? I'm sure it will be a freakshow. I'll tell you how it goes."

When you have an eclectic group of friends, you get invited to some unique holiday "parties." Well, at least I know the party photographer, and he wasn't even the author of the line above.

• Here's how my sports viewing went Tuesday night. Tune in to ESPN at 7:30 p.m. to see my alma mater, Syracuse, take on Georgia Tech in the Champs Sports Bowl, which is one small step above the Toilet Bowl. Gave up on that crap when we're down 21-6 in the first quarter. Give newly purchased ESPN College Hoops 2K5 a run (see below). Tune back to ESPN: We're down 35-6 at halftime. Switch to Knicks-Mavs for final five minutes. Knicks are down 42 at home. (Cue Bill Walton.) This is horrendous.

• I couldn't find a place that rents ESPN College Hoops 2K5, so I just gave in and bought a used copy for $17.99. Now, it's never a good thing when sports games are already returned to stores a few weeks after release, but it was cheap, so whatever. And 'Cuse has a strong team, an 86 overall rating, I think the same as Duke, which I invited into the Carrier Dome for my virginal game. Unlike most basketball video games, this one wasn't 99% dunks. I really only got off one good one. Hakim Warrick pumped-faked his defender and just posterized J.J. Redick, who was last seen ducking for cover like a donut shop owner when Kirstie Alley walks in. Even though I was 0-for-9 from beyond the arc, I was able to get off on an early second-half run and cruise to victory before the home crowd. (I'm sure this is all wildly interesting.)

• Yanks tix went on sale to the public at 10 a.m. Tuesday and I was able to score four tickets to each of the three Cubs games in June and the third game of the year against Boston. Had no luck getting any Mets-Yanks tickets. It's getting harder every year, since brokers around the country are no doubt buying ducats simply to put them on eBay.

• Why, pray tell, do I keep getting issues of Black Enterprise magazine in my mailbox?

Beat My Score: PoPoint

Once again, it's time for Beat My Score, a game in which you try to beat my best performance in one of the Internet's most entertaining time-wasters.

Today's game is PoPoint, in which you try to click 15 boxes, in order, as fast as possible.

The score to beat is 4.71 seconds, or as long as it takes a former Red Sox great to trash his old team.

Post your score in the comments section to receive all the usual gifts and glory that come with being an online game champion.

(Thanks, Shumpy, for the link.)

Weekend Sports Wrap: Another Fantasy Unfulfilled

In the first round of my fantasy football playoffs this past weekend, my team, the Syracuse 44's, scored a whopping 203 points, behind solid efforts from Tiki Barber, Jerome Bettis and Rod Smith, and a few terrific ones from Drew Bennett (again!) and the defenses of the Panthers and Buccaneers (combined for 11 sacks, 3 fumbles, 2 interceptions and 2 touchdowns).

I imagine 203 points may mean nothing to you. Fantasy scoring is always relative; in our league that's like scoring 10 runs in baseball. Unless Felix Heredia is in the game, you can pretty much take it to the bank.

Now let's take a look at the present tallies (Monday night's game excluded, but safe to say almost no Dolphins are in play) of the other seven postseason teams:
96, 128, 142, 145, 156, 158, and 207.

And guess which team I went up against.

Arrrrrrrggggghhhhhhh! Screw you Jerry Porter (148 yards, 3 TDs) and that sieve of a Titans defense. F you, Seahawks, you crap-ass NFC playoff wannabe, for letting Curtis Martin (134 yards, 2 TDs) treat you like a $10 hooker. Brett Favre can take those eight fantasy points he scored in the final 1:08 of a game he LOST and shove 'em up his frozen tundra.

But the man who screwed me more than any other, the guy who took that incredible Julius Peppers interception return for a TD and flushed it down the toilet, was none other than Terrell Owens. Averaging 19 points in 13 previous games, the guy pulls a Howard Cross in the playoffs, scoring two points. Two!

You'd better get your act together in the offseason, Owens. We're the Syracuse 44's, not the Atlanta Braves. I need guys who will play well in the postseason, and if I have to ship you off to the Beantown Fartmen to make sure I have them, I will.

Other Sports Ruminations:

• According to SI.com, "Owens will miss the rest of the regular season — and possibly the entire playoffs — with torn ankle ligaments and a broken fibula." I think I'm gonna choreograph a one-legged dance for him.

• Me and some buddies tried the ESPN Sunday Night Drinking Game, but it didn't exactly work out. You can't hear every word in a bar, even with the sound on, and the roar of the patrons after big plays drowned out the hyperbolic announcing the three-man booth is most famous for. I'll have to give it another shot at Chez PaulKatcher.com on Jan. 2, when Joe Theismann gets to analyze Eli Manning. That oughta be a howl.

• Paging Randy Johnson. Come in Randy Johnson.

• You know New York is a diverse place when I'm having a drink with a black friend and I'm going crazy over an overtime Knicks win and he says to me in all seriousness, "I know it doesn't mean anything to you, but this NHL lockout is killing me." Can a brother get a penalty shot!

• Pedro Martinez has a career batting average of .094. Jim Abbott's is .095. Abbott has one hand. Pedro does have two career triples, though, and I'd pay some serious coin to see replays of that skinny dude chugging around 270 feet of bases.

• How can you flag the Giants for excessive celebration after returning the opening kickoff for a touchdown when they hadn't even had a lead in like a month? I know you're supposed to act like you've been there before, but they kinda hadn't.

• T-minus five days until Shaquille O'Neal and the Heat play Kobe Bryant and the Lakers. I think Santa's gonna bring L.A. an ass-whooping, and I wouldn't be surprised of Kobe went all O.J. on someone, especially if his home crowd gives O'Neal a rousing ovation.

• And, in conclusion, I'd just like to say, "Cut that meat! Cut that meat!"

PK.com Person of the Year: The Sports A-Hole

My former employer, TIME magazine, will announce its Person of the Year on Sunday, based on its usual criteria: "the person or persons who most affected the news and our lives, for good or for ill, and embodied what was important about the year, for better or for worse."

The "for good or for ill" qualifier discredits the asshats who still hold a grudge against the magazine for naming Adolf Hitler POY in 1938 (subscription required), as if the acknowledgement is some kind of endorsement of one's work.

As for this year, I'm going with Karl Rove, as a nod to the conservative political culture that's straight-up rollin' like Peyton Manning on Turkey Day.

Instapundit collects links to sites that claim The Blogger should be the Person of the Year. When you get done laughing at that, check out Betsy Newmark's inside scoop that President Bush will be POY, a safe choice in any year.

(And now an aside: I was the guy who pushed the button for the POY announcement to go live on the web in 2001. Up until a few days earlier, I didn't know who it would be. Obviously, Osama bin Laden was a strong candidate. I said, kinda jokingly, to my boss, "If it's Osama, are we gonna get a police escort out of here?" He said, "Every man for himself." And that's when I knew it wouldn't be OBL and instead the choice was Rudy Giuliani, the result of which was one of the most inspirational covers in the magazine's history, Giuliani atop one of New York's majestic buildings as a Tower of Strength. Some thought TIME caved in to public pressure, and that OBL influenced everything that came after 9/11.)

So, it got me thinking ... Who, for good or for ill, influenced the content on PaulKatcher.com in 2004. I'm going with the Sports Asshole, players and fans who make being a sports fan a chore.

If there were a dinner for the award, Terrell Owens would be at the head table. He'd probably choreograph a dance to perform in front of the losers. Kobe Bryant would be sitting next to him, complaining about not having his own table. John Green would be throwing beer at the emcee, and Ron Artest would be kicking someone's ass in the stands. Barry Bonds wouldn't show up, and Jason Giambi would be 'roiding up in the bathroom. Twenty-five-year-old Red Sox fans would wear shirts that read "Paul Sucks and Jeter Swallows," in their eyes proudly demonstrating allegiance to an otherwise honorable franchise. And Pete Rose would be taking early bets on next year's winner.

The realization that so much negative sports press has made it to this site is kinda of a disappointment. Nothing bores me more than a whiny blogger. But most of my posts about ills of sports end with a plea to not accept them. Let's review:

• Jan. 6: Pete Rose Has a BIG Secret to Tell Us

• March 3: Finally Some Rage Over 'Roids

• March 10: Saraceno: Terrell Owens Reminds of Bud's Leon

• August 20: Yankees.com Conveniently Forgets Spencer's Driving Record

• Sept. 17: Yanks, Sox Fans: Act Your Age (Players, Too)

• Nov. 8: As Predicted, it Was Class vs. Ass

• Nov. 22: A Brawl That (Shocker!) Wasn't Worth It

• Nov. 24: Meet John Green. He Throws Beer at People (at 39!)

• All 2004 PK.com Sports Entries

Oh God, Now Britney's Feet Stink, Too

"Britney Spears caused a real stink when her smelly feet gassed a plane full of people," begins an important report from the London Sun. Showbiz reporter Martel Maxwell, now most certainly in line for several major international journalism awards, writes, "Passengers complained when the pungent pop star shed her shoes on a flight. The nasty niff was so bad that a stewardess asked Britney to put them back on."

This agony of da feet is just the latest episode in Operation: Britney Meltdown, detailed convincingly at the bottom of this GorillaMask post.

I hate to say it, but I'm now officially off the Britney bandwagon. I'm not even sure I wanna see the inevitable Playboy photoshoot anymore. The trucker hats, the weight gain and the stank feet ... it's too much, man. If I want that, I'll go to a strip club in the Bronx.

Also of note, a text ad on the Britney news story reads, "Dog Gas Deodorizer Diaper: No more smelly, gassy dogs. Activated charcoal diaper for gas." Looks like I know what I'm getting my friend Brian for Christmas. And he doesn't have any pets. (And, yes, they have dog thongs, too. I think I'm gonna be sick.)

Other News Items:

• Breakfast Cereal Resembling E.T. Sold for 415 Pounds — I've barfed up some food that looked like E.T. Maybe I should have sold the big chunks. (Thanks, Pee Wee)

• Is This Software On Your Hard Drive? — Newsweek examines one of the Internet's largest and most secretive adware companies really operates.

• Paris is the City of Blight for Culture-Shocked Japanese — Check this out: Japanese tourists are suffering from clinical depression when they find out Paris isn't the blissful paradise it's cracked up to be. I feel that way about Hoboken.

• Real World Tipping Guide — Yep, time to take care of the doormen again. You know 'em, the people who know more about your personal life than your mother.

• Robbers Scared Off by Playstation Game Get Jail Time — Goes to show, playing Grand Theft Auto can be the best burglar alarm there is.

• How To Start a Winning Blog — Eh, everyone's got an opinion on this. I guess I should do my own little guide. Let's start with No. 1: take out the guesswork for the readers. Regularly scheduled, quality posts (like a news story on a pop star's rancid bunions) means no wasted visits.

Meet My New Fellow New Yorker, Pedro Martinez!

I now know what I really want for Christmas, and only the baseball gods can give it to me.

Nope, it's not Anna Benson, dressed in garters and hose. (Though that would make for a great stocking stuffer. Get it?)

It's Pedro Martinez on the mound at Yankee Stadium in a Mets uniform. And we've got a 3/5 chance of it happening, as the Mets take their annual bus trip from the Purple Dump June 24-26, 2005, to the most-storied ballpark in all of baseball, home to 26 world-championship teams, including six under the reins of future Baseball Hall of Famer Lord General Chancellor George M. Steinbrenner III.

Needless to say I won't be helping Pedro find a no-fee apartment, but I'm stoked he's a member of the Mets.

First, it weakens, for the time being, the starting staff of the Yankees' biggest threat to their eighth straight division title. Nothing like beginning the season with David Wells — a guy who once said he wanted to push the button when they detonate Fenway Park — as a No. 1 starter, what with Curt "Ketchup Sock" Schilling out till May.

Second, it adds a little spice to New York baseball, and I'm strangely attracted to the thought of the Mets being a decent threat to win the NL East, with a starting staff of Martinez, Tom Glavine, Kris Benson and whichever two hot dog vendors perform best on the Juggs gun (no doubt named after Anna Benson herself). Mets fans, at least, know their role. Second bananas, but not sour grapes.

Third, it means the Sox will celebrate their championship season without Nomar Garciaparra (obviously) and Pedro, the two players most beloved by the 20-something set of Boston's fans that have been most annoying over the past few years, whining and fooling the public into thinking they're any more tortured than Jets and Knicks fans of the same age in New York.

Fourth, it means Pedro might get to bat against the Yankees at Shea Stadium, and, if I were him, I'd be looking for an inside fastball, like three feet inside. Hopefully the result will be different than when Shawn Estes missed Roger Clemens. The umps weren't even going to throw him out. He had a free shot to take Clemens' ass out, and he missed. One of the most embarrassing moments in Mets history. And, believe me, there are enough of those fill a three-DVD set, with a 120-minute bonus section titled "The Art Howe Era."

Fifth, it means Pedro might actually return to Yankee Stadium, where he has always been a guy we loved to hate. More recently, he's been a guy we love to knock around. What a carnival atmosphere that would be.

Other Sports Ruminations:

• Did you see Todd Pinkston bail out on that deep pass over the middle on Sunday night? "Alligator arms" does not do it justice. I half expected Steve Irwin to come out and shake his baby in front of him. Pinkston says he lost the ball in the lights, and I have to believe him, if only because he totally gave up on the play; didn't even come close to touching the ball. Even the most cautious of receivers get a hand on it while protecting their ribs. Then again, he didn't do the universal sign for "lost it in the lights," which is, of course to point at the lights, so everyone knows you're not a pussy.

• Dave Wannstedt had his best player quit on him, saw his entire Miami Dolphins team shit the bed, and got canned mid-season. So he signs with FOX as a color analyst and what do they give him? Cardinals-49ers last Sunday. Has this man been through hell or what? (Thankfully, though, those Wannstedt bobble head dolls are still available for Christmas as the low, low price of $20. Strangely, the mustache seems to be even.)

• The steroids shit. Goes like this, peeps: People will always take risks when there is a reward. And $10 million a year is some reward. Today we call 'em steroids, tomorrow we'll call them something else. But there will always, always, always be cheaters when that kind of dough is up grabs.

• Congratulations to Drew Bennett, who busted my claim on Nov. 25 that Brandon Stokley's three-TD Thanksgiving game was a mark no white receiver would challenge anytime soon. Bennett punked his candy ass Monday night with 12 catches for 233 yards and his own trio of TDs, his second straight week with three TD catches. White power! What a shame to lose the game like that. Reminds me of when I hit two three-run homers for TIME magazine's softball team and we still lost, or that time, many years ago, when I made a back-to-the-plate, diving catch to preserve a one-run lead in the bottom of the sixth inning of a deciding playoff game — one that a friend's father said was "the most clutch catch he'd ever seen" — and we blew it an inning later. Argh.

• Remember my horrid fantasy football team that I said would suck in 2004? Well, I finished tied for first in my division, playoff bound for like the ninth time in 10 years. Thanks To Tiki Barber, Jerome Bettis, Bennett and, yes, even Terrell Owens for overachieving. By the way, is there any fantasy team in the world that finished in first place without Peyton Manning.

• Rick Majerus to USC. A straight-talkin' fat guy from Utah in L.A. Yeah, that might work.

• Ever seen an athlete lose as many fans in a span of one year (without killing Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman) as Kobe Bryant has? I gotta imagine you can stop manufacturing kid-sized No. 8 Lakers jerseys.

Today's Sports Links:

• Video: McGrady Scores 13 Points in 35 Seconds — Amazing highlight reel from NBA.com of Tracy McGrady nailing four three-pointers (including one in which he fouled) in a dramatic comeback win over the Spurs. Announcers Marv Albert and Doug Collins, who have seen everything in the NBA, go nuts.

• EA Sports Signs Exclusive Deal With NFL — Madden 2006 will be the only team to feature real-life NFL players next year, so if you just have to play with Craig Kentzel...

• The Final Punchado — Bill Simmons on the loss of Pedro Martinez. He holds no ill will, but manages to wedge in his 400th Rocky-Drago reference. Congratulations on the milestone!

• Things Get Ugly on the Internet — Poker player Jay Lovinger writes about some of the tricks human players pull to screw each other online, as well as some suspicious behavior from the "fair" deals themselves. Very interesting stuff.

• I Hate T.O T-Shirts — Now this I might grab.

Where Have You Gone, 'Poop Chute' Ruth?

Picking a favorite Crank Yankers moment is choosing a favorite son, not that god has any plans for me to reproduce in the near future. (Can you can really fault him?)

Anyway, for as much as I love Bobby Fletcher, the obnoxious, drunk job-seeker, and Danny, the nervous barfer (audio), I've got to go with a gem from Elmer Higgins, a 92-year-old who's been retired after 37 years working at Sal's Upholstery.

Some of Elmer's highlights include booking a gay cruise and complaining about a delivery man who not only peed on his door but "looked like a gay" because he was skipping.

For No. 1, however, I have to go with Elmer's call to a brothel he first visited in 1964, where he lost his heart to a woman named "Poop Chute" Ruth (video). The transcript is as follows:

Brothel: Good afternoon. This is Brianna.
Elmer: Hi there, darling.
Brothel: Hello.
Elmer: I'm callin' because I left somethin' at your place.
Brothel: What do you leave?
Elmer: My heart.
Brothel: You left your heart?
Elmer: I met a girl named Ruth there in 1964, and I was looking for her.
Brothel: She's not here.
Elmer: Ahh. I'm looking to bring some of my friends over there for a reunion.
Brothel: OK.
Elmer: Almost 40 years ago...
Brothel: Very nice...
Elmer: We congregated there and we made sweet love to a bevy of beauties.
Brothel: Wonderful.
Elmer: Ruth was known as "Poop Chute" Ruth.
Brothel: Was she?
Elmer: Yeah, because she liked it in the bottom.
Brothel: OK.
Elmer: If you know what I mean. She gave me crabs.
Brothel: Well, she's not here, but we there are a bunch of girls down here still if you want to come down.
Elmer: Oh yeah?
Brothel: Yeah.
Elmer: I like black girls.
Brothel: I have that, too.
Elmer: All right. I'll get my friends, and my brother Charlie, and we'll come down there this weekend.
Brothel: Great.
Elmer: Saturday night.
Brothel: Sounds good.
Elmer: Around 4:30 in the afternoon, cause we go to bed early.
Brothel: OK.
Elmer: And we'll make love to some black girls in the poop chute.
Brothel: There ya go.
Elmer: Just like in the old days.

Today's Web Finds:

• What I'm Buying Myself for Christmas — I'm only putting this link here because it's a cool spring/fall Yanks jacket, and if there are any smart baseball fans in your life, it would make for a pretty reasonably priced gift. If anyone who knows me only "virtually" actually buys this for me, I'll think you're a freak. So don't.

• Society for Handheld Hushing (.pdf) — Business-sized cards to hand out and send a message to cell phone users who trap captive audiences in lines and in transit into hearing their loud and annoying conversations.

• Top Amazon.com Wishlist Items — Are you telling me a Clay Aiken Christmas album is the 14th most-popular want item on all of the biggest online marketplace? I swear I don't know why I ever leave this city.

• Video: Witness Sees Cops Administering 'UPS' — Perhaps real news footage of a not-no-bright eyewitness to an accident saying what she saw.

• The Messy Desk Contest — One of my buddies could be a contender, as he was once docked 2% of his yearly salary for a messy desk. Then again, he did win Messiest Student award as a senior in high school. I think I was voted Most Likely to Obsess Over Alyssa Milano.

• Badmouth Interviews Pauly Shore — I always thought the former Wiezel was a lot smarter than people gave him credit for. In this Q&A, he talks about his upcoming film Pauly Shore Is Dead.

Just in Time for Christmas: Double Teamed! on VHS

Call me crazy, but if I'm strolling through a Toys R Us, I'm not expecting to find on the VHS clearance rack a Disney movie titled Double Teamed! with two attractive girls on a box.

Now I don't know who named this movie, but I wanna have him over for dinner some time. If you can slip that title — as well as a teaser that "They're different from everyone else..." — past Disney's corporate brass, as well as a toy store's buyers, you can pretty much sneak a steak past a hungry dog ... or even Star Jones.

The flick is about twin high school girls' basketball players, one of which has aspirations to play in the WNBA (a league I've never heard of) and the other who dreams of stardom as an actress (OK, now we're getting somewhere).

There's also something about "jealous teammate Nicky" who "has just revealed a secret that could get them kicked off the team."

I was all ready to buy it — and request a plain, brown bag — till I saw it was rated TV-G. Damn, those people at Disney are such teases.

Guess I'll just wait for the next one about a woman who grooms canines ... titled Doggie Style.

Other Web Finds:

— Man Announces Wedding to Right Hand on TheKnot.com — Absolutely hilarious, as he even lists Motion Lotion as the best man. Probably registered at The Playpen on Eighth Avenue, too. (Link found on GorillaMask.net)

— Porn Site Uses "Paul Katcher" to Attract Web Surfers — You know you've made it when a porn site throws your name into a URL to attract horny web surfers. And I didn't even get a free membership.

— 2004 Weblog Awards — Polls closed on Sunday night, so I guess the winners will be announced soon. No doubt those folks will reap the untold fame and fortune enjoyed by past winners of blog awards.

— Cheap Ass Gamer — A blog that highlights great web deals related to the video game industry. For example, Xbox owners can get ESPN 2K4 for just $5 at EBgames.com.

— Braille T-Shirts — Not too late for some of you gals to get these on your wishlists. We'll let our fingers do the reading. (Thanks, Shumpy)

— Video: Guy Goes Ape Shit on Price Is Right — I've never been so excited to win $500, then again I haven't been on five different drugs at once.

— Fark Photoshop Contest: Unlikely Playboy Covers — You had to figure Bea Arthur would make an appearance.

Photos: Navy Crushes Army in Philly

(I'll be in Jamaica through Friday, and so this will be the last post for about a week, as I continue to spread the word of PK.com across the globe. Twelve countries alone in 2004. How 'bout that? Have a great time without me. Trust that I will, too. The recently re-launched forum is open for you to discuss whatever you want amongst yourselves.)

I attended my first Army-Navy game on Saturday and it was everything I expected it to be — a bore.

Not that I didn't enjoy the company of my friends. Not that I didn't marvel at the new Lincoln Financial Center. Not that I didn't appreciate the pageantry. Not that I didn't love waiting in line for a hour to clear security, what with the President in attendance. (OK, that was bullshit.)

But as an outsider looking in, I couldn't get into it. I know it means a lot to the Midshipmen and Cadets, but I kept thinking, "Aren't we the ones who are supposed to have an unhealthy obsession with insignificant matters?" Who gives a shit about beating an Army football team that since 2000 has gone 1-10, 3-8, 1-11, 0-13 and 2-9. That's 7-52 since the turn of the millennium. Ugly, man.

I really did enjoy John Feinstein's book A Civil War about the rivalry and the life of a student-cadet. You learn quickly how practice is the easy part of these guys' days and how much the Army-Navy game means to them. But I got into the story more than the game. I guess that's the point.

Cool, though, seeing the fly-overs (including Air Force One) and parachute jumpers. Wish I had good pics of those. I have posted some pics from Saturday afternoon, but none too great.

Greatest Quotes in Movie History

AFI, the American Film Institute, apparently hasn't gotten the memo. The turn of the millennium was nearly five years ago, and it can stop coming out with best-ever lists. But lists on the Internet are like crack to me. If I saw a headline for Top 10 Ways to Insert a Suppository, I'd probably read it. So, of course, I'm eating up AFI's 100 Years ... 100 Movie Quotes, which is in the nomination phase, with 400 contenders for the top 100 spots.

All 400 nominations can be browsed in .pdf form (147K), not too heavy a page load considering it's 103 pages, bloated beyond belief with not only the movie and actor for each line, but the production company, screenwriters, director and producer (in other words, shit we don't care about).

Quotes will be judged on their cultural impact and legacy, however redundant that may sound. Based on that, here are some thoughts.

True Contenders for No. 1:
• "May the force be with you." — Star Wars
• "Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore." — The Wizard of Oz
• "Play it, Sam." — Casablanca
• "Here's looking at you, kid." — Casablanca
• "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." — Gone With the Wind

Worth a Look, But No Real Chance:
• "You can't handle the truth!" — A Few Good Men
• "I'll be back." — The Terminator
• "I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse." — The Godfather
• "I could've been a contender." — On the Waterfront
• "Here's Johnny!" — The Shining
• "You talkin' to me?" — Taxi Driver
• "Go ahead. Make my day." — Sudden Impact

Nominations Close to My Heart:
• "It's good to be the king!" — History of the World: Part I
• "Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue." — Airplane!
• "I was born a poor black child." — The Jerk
• "Wax on. Wax off." — The Karate Kid
• "No wire hangers ever!" — Mommie Dearest
• "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son." — Animal House

What in God's Name Is This Doing on the List?
• "I know you are, but what am I?" — Pee Wee's Great Adventure

I Would Love to See Either No. 1 if Only for the Press Releases:
• "I'm your worst fucking nightmare, man! A nigger with a badge." — 48 Hours
• "Sometimes you gotta say, 'What the fuck?'" — Risky Business

Pretty Much My Motto:
• "Get busy livin', or get busy dyin'." — The Shawshank Redemption

My Favorite Quote Ever, and I'm So Psyched It's on the List:
• "I have come here to kick ass and chew bubble gum. And I'm all out of bubble gum." — They Live

Glaring Omissions:
• "No more yanky my wanky, the Donger need food." — Sixteen Candles
• "We're goin' streaking!" — Old School
• "Why don't you come and see me some time when you have no class?" — Back to School
• "When I was growing up, if we wanted a Jacuzzi, we had to fart in the tub." — Trading Places
• "I'll suck your cock for a thousand dollars." — The Big Lebowski
• "Just when I thought you couldn't get any dumber, you go and do something like this ... and totally redeem yourself!" — Dumb & Dumber
• "What the fuck's a frush?" — Revenge of the Nerds
• "You run like Mays, but you hit like shit." — Major League
• "Hey, try not to suck any dicks on the way to the parking lot." — Clerks
• "I'm a people person. I deal with the customers so the engineers don't have to. Don't you get that? What the hell is wrong with you people!" — Office Space

(AFI link found on Complete and Total Bisch)

Other Web Finds:

• Bill Lumbergh Soundboard — If you could just click on this link, that would be great.

• C.C. Banana on MySpace — Someday I gotta do an interview with this rock 'n' roll fruit who "first gained notoriety for publicly lampooning Poison guitar maverick C.C. DeVille. C.C. Banana again made news for staring down rock & roll man-child Sebastian Bach."

• 2004 Fantasy Fest Photos — You know the drill. Painted bodies, not safe for work. Yada, yada.

• Piano Cover of Down With the Sickness — Do ya' feel that? Ohhhhh, shit. Get up, c'mon get down with the sickness.

• Maxim's Best of the Web 2004 — PK.com isn't listed, so I don't know how much validity to give to this collection of best websites.

• Seinfeld Goofs and Nitpicks Guide — This gives minutiae a whole new meaning.

• Fuck Off! Now at Target — Just another album to buy along with Michael Bolton's Greatest Hits.

• Is That a Real Ding-a-Ling Next to Queen Elizabeth? — Doctored photo of not? Snopes is unsure as of PK.com press time. (Thanks, Larry)

• Yale Students Trick Harvard Supporters Into Holding Up 'We Suck' Signs — Genius, but would be funnier if they didn't both suck.

2004 Holiday Shopping Guides

If you're like me, the thought of shopping in a crowded mall this month makes ya wanna gag like Paris Hilton in night vision. That's why I love the Internet. Because not only can you learn things like "Alyssa Milano prefers masturbation over one-night stands," but you can basically do all your shopping online without — unlike Ms. Milano — lifting a finger.

Anyway, I've scoured the Internet near and far, from Google to, um, Google, to find for you the best holiday shopping guides, with gift suggestions, reviews, prices, direct links to merchants and everything you could ask for to avoid running into stressed-out moms and bratty kids at the local mall. Or, as we like to call it in New York, the street. But we don't have many kids running around. I think we murdered them all.

Get started now, 'cause in a few weeks you'll be stuck in a Best Buy getting those last-ditch DVDs and cursing yourself for not buying something on Amazon.com, where they have like 100 gazillion more interesting products.

• CNET's Holiday Gift Guide — Consumer electronics suggestions from my favorite tech site.

• Maxim's Great Gear — Plenty of gift ideas with a gent in mind. Funny, I don't see a porn section anywhere.

• Washington Times' Holiday Gift Guide — What Santa's likely to see on wish lists, sorted by different gift groups (teens, stocking stuffers, family fun, etc.)

• MSNBC's Holiday Gift Guide — High-tech gifts for aspiring rock stars, a guide to buying a telescope (or not), 10 rules for buying gadgets and more.

• Barnes & Noble's Holiday Gift Guide — A book is the easiest gift there is to give. Just pick an interest, find a popular book and buy.

• Amazon.com — Dude, the whole site is a year-round gift guide. If you can't find a gift on Amazon.com, you have no brain.

• GiftCertificates.com — Sure, gift certificates lack personality, but so does a bad sweater. At least by giving a SuperCertificate, you allow the recipient to shop in any of a ton of stores.

• SI.com's Holiday Gift Guide — DVDs, video games and books — in other words, stuff sports fans can get much cheaper on eBay and Half.com.

• About.com's Women's Fashion Guide — According to this, purple is the new pink and ponchos are trendy. I guess it's true — all women really are insane.

• CNN/Money's Gift Guide — Gift ideas for the Road Warrior, Foodie, Garden Lover and more.

• MLB.com's Holiday Gift Guide — They'll slap a baseball logo on anything these days. Putters, trucks, cue sticks, you name it.

In New York: It's Karate, Kid! The Musical

Wow, just when you thought Broadway had lost its soul, along comes It's Karate, Kid! The Musical. Actually, I don't know if Broadway has lost its soul — in fact, I don't even know what that means.

And we're not talking Broadway anyway. We're talking Off Broadway. Off, off, off, waaaaay off Broadway.

But It's Karate, Kid! The Musical, which is playing from Dec. 2-18 in New York, looks like a riot. The official website describes the project as such:

It's Karate, Kid! The Musical is an outrageous riff on the beloved '80s film. Under the manicured, guiding hand of a mystical maintenance man, our hero wages war against pill-popping, white trash deviants; well-styled, bloodthirsty karate students; rampaging hormones; and many more "unsavory things."

Featuring 19 ferocious new songs, including Wax On! Wax Off!, My Name is Ali, and We are the Bitchkicks, this Kid trolls the depths of bad taste and strikes musical gold!

Unsavory things, Bitchkicks, bad taste and musical gold? Where do I sign up?

Take a listen to some music from the show, including The Way of the Fisting, sung by Evil Sensei. And check out these lyrics I pulled from a My Name is Ali:

When you touch my boobio,
Make a hot bitch feel sussudio,
I'm eager, moist and also freshly douched,
I know you want me 'cause I picked up on the clues

They ain't lyin', man. That shit is gold.

Buy your tickets for the show, which is at:
Teatro La Tea
Clemente Soto Velez Cultural Center
107 Suffolk Street, 2nd Floor
New York, NY 10002

And let's not forget about the time I saw an autographed pictured of original Karate Kid sensei Marty Kove in an Upper West Side deli.

Other New York Links:

• Gotham Girls Roller Derby — Real roller derby, held in the South Bronx. No lie, you can even view the photos. From the site: Every Gotham Girl is an amalgam of athlete, pin-up girl, rocker and brute rolled into one badass derby girl. Pretty? Hell, yeah! Tough? Of course! Badass? Always! No word yet on when the next event will be held but, of course, I'm on the mailing list.

• Jell-O Wrestling on the Lower East Side — Too early to tell where I'll be on Dec. 12, maybe at some lewd karate musical, but another good option might be 169 Bar (169 East Broadway) for some lewd amateur female Jell-O wrestling. And I didn't even know they had pro female Jell-O wrestlers.

• YourNY.com — A free local classifieds site that very intuitive. Let's hope it doesn't get overrun with spammers.

• How's the Peeping, Tommy? — A blog post that begins, "Perhaps the most underrated aspect of living in New York is getting to see your neighbors naked on a regular basis." Not my neighbors, man. They're old and boring. Ya know, from what I hear. (Found on Curbed.)

• How to Get TV Show Tickets in NYC — Manhattan User's Guide with info on how to catch tapings of The David Letterman Show, Saturday Night Live, The Daily Show and more.

• Cheryl Shops — Let's let the woman speak for herself: "A blog covering fashion and, most importantly, shopping in New York City and elsewhere." Some really valuable info and links in there, espccially during the holiday season. Of course, being the cheap bastard I am, I'm greatly anticipating the after-holiday shopping season.

• Jennifer Barretta in FHM — An interview and photoshoot with a professional pool player who practices at my local club on the Upper West Side. She's really good, and really hot.