PaulKatcher.com

Cheesy Costume Idea: God's Gift to Women

If I can win a costume award without having a plan just five hours before a Friday night Halloween party, so can you.

Thanks to a mullet wig ($19.95 at Ricky's), a piece of cardboard, some wrapping paper, a bow and a tag that reads: "From: God; To: Women," the Lupus Foundation of America is more well-endowed. (And I don't even have to add a line after that one.)

I ended up winning the Cheesiest Costume Award at the ZogSports charity party (read more on ZogSports on Newsweek.com), and while I would never in a million years post a picture of me sporting that dead raccoon, you can see for yourself in person when God's Gift to Women makes its much-awaited return Saturday night at the MurphGuide Halloween Bash at Katwalk on Saturday night.

As for you ladies, you can't go wrong with a Light-Up Twinkle Dancer costume. Shake it like a Polaroid.

Happy Halloween, everyone.

And now, for a link-dump:

Web Finds:

• 100 Scariest Movie Scenes of All Time — A well-produced feature by RetroCrush.com, a web A-lister. Frankly, though, I thought Hamburger ... The Motion Picture got screwed. That pickle torture chamber scared the bejeezus out of me.

• Girl Determined to Fuck Tucker — I'm beginning to understand why people gravitate to the writings of Tucker Max, even though I don't believe 10% of his stuff is true. But he is funny, if also a huge asshole. I love the part where he asks a girl for an autograph and, when she asks who he thinks she resembles, he says, "The Incredible Hulk." (By the way, Tucker also has a story about being God's Gift to Women for Halloween, but I didn't find it till after settling on my get-up, inspired by this version, which was $70 a couple of blocks from my apartment.)

• BrowardHotSpots.com Is Now 95South.com — Our boys Alex, Marc and Tommy are back with their takes (and pictures) of the South Florida club scene. our trip to the Bahamas get rescheduled to Super Bowl weekend, so meet up with us and the Circuit Girls for some football, gambling, golf, drinking and bikini chicks. (Ya know, if you're into that sorta thing.) As for the old BrowardHotSpots.com, looks like some reality porn site took it over. Not like anyone else is paying for domain names these days.

• Lyrics to Jesus Was a Country Boy by Clay Walker — Clay Walker is not a comedian, by the way. This shit is for real, yo.

• Paula LaRocca Bikini Portfolio — Brought to you by the letters T and A.

• Put a Brain in Bush — An easy Flash game that pays off in funny quotes from the Pres, which may or may not be real and unedited.

• Video: Ashlee Simpson on SNL — In case you're one of the five people in the world who hasn't seen it. Love the rain dance, babe!

Sports:

• 'The Curse' Is Dead, But Not Yankees — MSNBC.com contributor Tony DeMarco does a process of elimination to see who next year's MLB favorite will be. (Hint: They play in the Bronx.) Like Bob Ryan, I'm out of the predictions business (something he said before Game 7 of the ALCS) but I like a team's chances one year after winning 101 regular-season games with having only a few players exceed expectations (Cairo, Matsui, Gordon), while a ton either tanked (Brown, Vazquez, Giambi) or were too inconsistent to be relied upon (uh, like everyone else).

• Fans Who Taunted the Post-Tkachuks Area Disgrace — A column in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch on Cardinals' fans harassment of Blues player Keith Tkachuk — a Red Sox supporter — at Busch Stadium. All together now: asshole fans are killing live sports. (Thanks Art)

• Keep Retired Jerseys Retired — A writer who never forgave the guy who wore No. 28 for the Minnesota Vikings after Ahmad Rashad says there's no way the Seahawks should make No. 80 available to Jerry Rice. And speaking of the Yankees (we were, right?), should they retire Bernie's? He was there for the lean years and was a major cog in the four Series championships. But if you do, you open up a can of worms for Tino and O'Neill. Mariano and Jeter are automatics.

• Cubs Player Takes Bat to Sosa's Boom Box — In an article about why Sammy Sosa could and maybe should end up in the Bronx, the Chicago Tribune's Paul Sullivan writes that, "Surely Sosa must realize he has no future in Chicago, and neither does his boom box; a teammate is said to have taken a bat to it after Sosa's disappearing act on the final day of the season."

• 10 Most Embarrassing TV/Radio Interview Moments — All of them were classic, but I totally missed the exchange between Roy Williams and Bonnie Bernstein after the 2003 national championship game. Must've had something to do with that Syracuse title I was celebrating.

New York:

• Nov. 13: Springsteen Tribute/Benefit Concert — Man, I dig The Boss, and if you're in NYC on November 13, come see the most kick-ass tribute band, Tramps Like Us, as they make their third annual visit to the Lion's Den to support the Marc S. Zeplin Foundation, in honor of a father killed on 9/11. Great music, and an even better cause.

• Diva School: Naughty But Nice — Register your girlfriends to learn the art of striptease. This is a fundamental quality of being a true woman.

• VelvetList's NYC Club Photos — I go to clubs like every other never — can't get into the music — but even the pics make for good people-watching.

• Overheard in New York — A blog about things, um, overheard, in, um, New York.

• Rick Astley's NYC Concert Dates Cancelled — Must be moving from the Supper Club to MSG to handle the demand.

• Upper East Side Megasite — A portal for all things UES. In other words, bland, preppy and without a decent subway line. (Except for the 4 to Yankee Stadium.)

I Think We're Almost Sorta Done

Looks like most everything moved over OK. Now I have to make sure the archives build with the proper URLs, I link up the new forum, and get the headline feeds working properly. Ugh.

In the meantime, check out my Halloween-related articles on ESPN.com's Page 3:

• 10 Scariest Sports Situations
• Sporty Halloween Costumes

If You See This Post, The Move Is Done

And that means PK.com has a new virtual home. It probably also means I know how to fix 100 errors. Regular commenters may also want to register for a free TypeKey account so they can post on this blog and others than now require registration in an effort to thwart comment spam. Each day I had been getting hit with anywhere between dozens to hundreds to thousands of spam comments in my archives, and this will hopefully be an effective time-saver.

PK.com is Moving (Just Virtually)

In order to save some cash and allow for a more robust PK.com, I'm moving to another web host.

I bought a year's worth of the Deluxe Plan at TotalChoice Hosting for $98, about which I've read some good things. Also bought the just-released 3.121 Personal Edition of Movable Type for $70 (running 2.64 now), though I am sure the free version would have been just fine. As much as I get from MT, I feel like stealing if I don't give them something.

Now comes the hard part. I have to move all this crap over without screwing it up and losing my glorious archives that get generate about 1,500 or so visitors a day from search engines. (Apparently, people like to search for Alyssa Milano and Paris Hilton. I had no idea.)

So I'm gonna hold off on new posts till I get everything set up. Might take several days, depending on my comprehension of the installation and migration, my drinking pattern for the week, and whether or not I destroy my computer in a fit of rage.

My paul@paulkatcher.com e-mail has been delayed for about a week now. Everything's taking a day or more to even get to me, so AOL IM (screen name PaulKatcherCom) is best to reach me.

Also note: when you search Google Images for "moving van," there's some pretty good porn on the second page. Just goes to show, you can go to any search engine, throw rocks at the keyboard, and find porn.

Things I Own: 1987 Topps WWF Frankie Card

This past week, I had to start cleaning out some of the 150,000 or so sports cards still residing in my parents' house. I came across names like Aurelio Rodriguez (the original A-Rod), Tommy John (who some believe may have been the first to have Tommy John surgery) and the trio of youngsters poised to take the Mariners to the World Series. No, not Griffey, Tino and Rodriguez. I'm talking Phil Bradley, Jim Presley and Alvin Davis.

But the gem of them all came from a handful of 1987 Topps WWF cards that I must have purchased when I decided that 67 Don Mattingly cards from that year was enough. That gem is Frankie, Koko B. Ware's ringside compadre who's probably buried in somewhere in Vince McMahon's backyard. And if anyone has proof of owning this same card, I'll send a PK.com shirt out to ya.

Unlike baseball cards, there are no "stats" to provide for Frankie. I guess Topps could've included Koko's record, but 5-242 is embarrassing, even by S.D. Jones' standards. There is a short bio, however, and I'd like to share it with you:

FRANKIE
Weight: Light as a feather
From: The jungles of South America

Frankie is Koko B. Ware's macaw. During matches, Koko, the "Birdman," leaves Frankie on a perch at ringside. Frankie cheers on Koko by squawking. Frankie and Koko are great friends.

I don't think I even have to follow up on that last line.

And since this week has been so sports-heavy, I've got a ton of links to throw at ya for the weekend.

Web Finds:

• The XXX Project — A not-work-safe (as always, depending on your job) photo book of porn stars both clothed and nude. My favorite part, besides the naked chicks? That the book is published by Bulfinch Press, owned by Time Warner. I don't think you'll find any copies handed out in the lobby of the TWC at Columbus Circle, though. An HBO (also owned by Time Warner) special on the event debuts Oct. 28 at 11 p.m. Two days later an exhibit of the photos opens in New York on at Mary Boone Gallery on West 24 Street. (West 24 Street is not owned by Time Warner.)

• The Webtender's Drinking Games — Trying to get that special someone to do something she'll regret? You can't go wrong with a drinking game at home. They receive my highest recommendation, a full five stars.

• DEA Advisories on How Drugs Are Smuggled — Pics and stories behind drug dealers' busted attempts to traffic narcotics. Hey, druggies, crack is whack! (Thanks, Shumpy)

• Time Out New York's Sex Survey — Be honest, are you more interested in "coating the face," "splattering the chest," or "filling the mouth?" I'm a virgin, so I don't even know what they're talking about.

• New York Times Photo Archives — Stunning shots, though some of them I've taken on my own for a few hundred bucks less.

• Video of Jon Stewart on Crossfire — He ain't the first guy to call Tucker Carlson a "dick." OK, maybe the first to do it on the show, but damn if watching this wasn't uncomfortable. Know your role, man. And I mean Stewart. He accepted their invite to be a guest and ambushed them.

• Who Let the Dogs Out Slidehow — Pictures of some ugly broads set to ugly music. (Thanks, Tracy)

• TV Station Reports That Bush Has Been Elected President — Another web producer mistakenly hits the "publish" button. And he doesn't even work for FOXNews.com.

• BlogExplosion.com — A new directory of blogs that lets you reap some traffic rewards from referring visitors to other blogs not as good as mine.

• 365 Days of Cock & Ball Torture — Haven't read a word on this S&M blog, but damn if it isn't the most intriguing title I've come across.

• YetiSports Olympics — Lots of games by the folks who brought you that penguin game I played like a zillion times at my last job. (Thanks, Mike)

News:

• The Myth of the Megapixel — A quality article by Smartmoney.com on what to really look for when buying a digital camera.

• Fat Roommate Travels All the Way to Tennessee Just to Fuck Some Girl — Oh, just when you think The Onion is out of ideas. (As usual, I didn't read a word past the headline. They should call it TheHeadline.com)

• Americans Win Gold at World Cyber Games — USA! USA! It's like the Dream Team of dorks.

• Affleck Must Be Stopped — If you're a Bush supporter, a Yankees fan or anyone who appreciates a decent movie, ya gotta be sick of this guy.

• The Irony of Nazi Collectibles — A quick column by a guy who says that censoring collections damages rights to a free society. Do I even have to denounce Nazism before saying the captured Nazi flag I saw at the War Museum in Paris was truly a powerful experience. To think what it must have been like to take that flag, a symbol of taking back your life. I'm a magazine collector, with tons of old issues of Time, including a 1942 issue depicting Franz Halder. It's creepy, it's tucked away somewhere, but it's history. For me, it's a reminder to do good, not evil. Anyway, the article links to a page on eBay where it says it will generally remove items that bear symbols of the Nazis or KKK. A quick search by me showed more than 1,900 items found in a search for "nazi" and 70 for "kkk."

• Vibrator Shuts Down Australian Airport — Lynne Bryant, the manager of the cafeteria where the humming sex toy was left behind, said it sounded exactly like a vibrator, but it was better to be safe then sorry. Hmmm, and how would she know that?

• Kin Work to Enshrine Afghan War's U.S. Dead — Families act to preserve the memory of the forgotten heroes in an often forgotten war.

• News of CIA Officer Mike Spann's Death in Afghanistan — An old story on CNN, of the first American killed in the War on Terror, but I remember this making big news, way before the U.S. death toll would rise almost every day, and often several at a time. I don't know how many people thought we'd lose well over 1,000 servicemen and women over the next two years. I didn't.

• We'll Miss You and Your Fart Jokes, Rodney — The best remembrance I've read on the great comedian. (I know, I've been keeping these links for awhile.) Anyway, it's really funny and speaks to all who are sentimental about fart jokes, which is pretty much all of you.

Sports:

• Woman Killed By Police During Red Sox 'Celebration' — Horrible stuff. So it this photo of a Sox fan bloodied during a "celebration", so is a photo of a guy throwing a smoke bomb outside Fenway during a "celebration." Sad to say it, but I did think Yanks-Sox would claim a life in 2004, and it did.

• Cashman to Return as Yanks GM — The Cash-Man is coming back. But who's he gonna bring with him?

• Vitale Hasn't Paid for Cincy Student's Books — Remember 10 years ago when the kid at Cincinnati's Midnight Madness hit the half-court shot to get a free year of tuition and Dick Vitale promised him he'd "buy the books" if the student converted? Dickie V. never paid up, though the student says Vitale had been trying to get in touch with him.

• Brother of Max Kellerman Murdered — And the suspect is a boxer, nonetheless. Horrible tragedy.

• Peter King Chats With Terrell Owens — Right now the Eagles receiver is on par with Barry Bonds. Not for anything on the field, but just for being a dick. He says Jeff Garcia's inability to get him the ball "left a lot — a lot — of touchdowns on the field throughout the last two or three years." Garcia's and Owens' new teams go head-up this weekend.

• Giambi's Saga Starts to Hit Home — A Daily News article that's more than a month old touches on something I've been thinking about for some time: "Players also say they are concerned that teams may try to void contracts of players they believe are doomed to disability because of steroid use, though none was able to cite specific examples. One high-ranking major league official says he suspects that the Yankees have been exploring ways to void Giambi's contract, though if they try to do so, they will certainly face fierce opposition from the Players Association."

Yanks Fail to Reach Seventh World Series in Nine Years

I feel strangely calm. Forget about tears (never an option; my god, I'm a grown man), I wasn't even close to hanging my head Wednesday night when the plight of the 2004 Yankees, the highest-paid team in the history of sports, came to an end. Here are a few reasons I think why:

• I've been through worse. There was a reason the loss in Game 7 of the 2001 World Series ranks as the toughest loss I've ever experienced as a fan. It had a little to do with sports and a lot to do with life.

• From 1995-2002, when the Yankees made eight straight playoff appearances and won four World Series titles, Yanks-Sox wasn't such a big deal here. I don't recall ever really focusing on Boston any more than the Mariners or the Indians or, in the World Series, the Braves or Mets. The last couple of years the infatuation has gotten out of control. And I can't say it was all that fun. A lot of animosity. A lot of cheering against teams rather than for your own. Just not always the best sports has to offer.

• With the strength of baseball teams almost directly tied to fan support, the Yanks and Sox seem almost destined to challenge for AL supremacy often in the foreseeable future. How long were we supposed to keep up the incredible good fortune? If the Boone homer didn't kill them, and the A-Rod deal didn't kill them, and finishing in first place for the seventh straight year didn't kill them, who could possibly think it would be decades before they actually pulled one off in the ALCS?

• It's sports. It's out of your control. You move on. If you can't, seek help.

More Thoughts From Game 7:

• When the guy who used to sit under a mango tree was brought in on one day's rest, did anyone else think it was a recipe for disaster? (And if you're wondering, I thought Pedro's quote about the "Who's Your Daddy?" chant making him feel important was poignant. I earned a lot of respect for him, because he acknowledged something we often chastise athletes for ignoring, their good fortune for being well paid to play a kid's game.)

• I don't know anyone who doesn't want to see the end of God Bless America during the seventh-inning stretch. I don't see it's relevance during a baseball game any more than I do a trip to the supermarket or a ride on a bus or — hey, what about this? — at the two minute warning in the first half of a football game.

• Does this end the Curse of the Bambino? I don't know. You'd have to ask the other guys. It always meant more to them, searching for Babe Ruth's piano and all that. I lean toward no, if only because this isn't the first time the Sox have advanced further than the Yanks in the postseason (albeit the first in four tries against them), and because 1918 still lives if the NL is crowned champs and it remains the last time the Sox won a World Series title.

• About the "collapse." I saw the 3-0 series lead as an aberration to begin with. Can't speak for all Yanks fans, but, to me, 4-3 is no different than 4-1 or 4-2 or 4-0, and I don't care how you got there. I knew the Sox had only to win two games at Fenway to get in the same situation they did last year (down 3-2 heading to the Bronx.) Wasn't like I'd had my AL champs T-shirts bought. (And, if you're wondering, we don't wear anything but World Series Champions T-shirts.)

• Continuing with the "collapse" theme: Statistically it was the greatest collapse, but if you want to know how it resonates with me, you have to look at it from a fan's perspective. The Yanks have already given me four World Series titles. (Not counting 1977 and 1978 when I was 4 and 5 years old.) Compare that to when the Syracuse basketball team almost blew an 18-point lead to Kansas in the 2003 national championship. I almost died. I remember thinking how if we blew that lead it would be too cruel for words, since title-game appearances for non-Duke teams are few and far between. But in baseball, the Yankees are Duke. We'll be back.

• The Red Sox never let the Yanks fans get into either Game 6 or 7. Talk about pressure or choking or whatever you want about the players, I have seen many a magical occurrence at the Stadium when that place is rocking, and Schilling and Lowe just never let it happen.

• Kevin Brown (15.7), Jason Giambi (12.4) and Javier Vazquez (9) "earned" $37.1 million in 2004. In Game 7, they combined for eight runs in 3 1/3 innings pitched and nothing at the plate. And no one was surprised. You can't move these guys, so what do you do next year? Sometimes Brian Cashman has the best job in baseball. This offseason he has the worst.

• If you were a baseball fan not tied to either team, you had to feel kinda gypped, no? I mean, after all that build-up you got a game only nervous Boston fans thought was in doubt. And you have to at least chuckle at the fact they didn't feel safe till the final out.

• How 'bout Jim Leyritz, a guy who used to play in Boston and New York, referring to the Yanks as "we?" That's our Yankees Nation, the players who always look back most fondly on their time in New York.

And in conclusion, I sit here not surprised nor overly upset. I'd be interested in hearing takes from other Yanks fans. I spoke with a few during the rout, and we all kinda laughed and shrugged things off and tried to make sense of why we were disappointed but not pained. I guess we're entitled to say "there's always next year," too.

Thoughts on ALCS Game 6

Unlike the previous five games, a strange sense of calm overcame me in Game 6. For once, I wasn't about to throw up in my lap. Sure, when Tony Clark came up as the potential pennant-winning run, I was hopeful, a bit anxious, but I remembered three things:

1. Someone, somewhere decided long ago this would go to seven games. You realize this when your team scores 19 runs in Game 3, chases some of baseball's most loyal and hideous-looking fans out of their own park, and then can't scrape together two hits in a row for three games.

2. The Yankees couldn't win Game 6 in 2003 with Andy Pettitte starting against John Burkett. That tells you anything can — and can't — happen in baseball, and you know not to be shocked when the Yanks shut out the Sox for eight innings and allow four runs with two outs in the other, three compliments of a Mark Bellhorn, two-strike, opposite-field, weak-ass home run.

3. Tony Clark couldn't hit a pitch if I threw it. Seven strikeouts in two games? John Olerud's injury has been a disaster for us.

Anyway, we're back to Game 7, I guess as it should be. I imagine Yanks fans will be doing exactly what they were doing last year, while Sox fans will try to change things up. I'm sure we're all grateful this series will be over in just one more game.

As for a prediction, I throw out the old line. If I knew these things, I'd live in Las Vegas. But I never counted out the Red Sox after losing three games in a row, and I don't count out the Yanks after doing the same. As for storylines:

1. You ever think you'd see the day a team would throw Kevin Brown in a Game 7 and think, "Crap?" If he serves up another stinker, can he even cash his paychecks without a ski mask on? So, Kevin, think sinker, not stinker.

2. Who's not available to pitch in Game 7? I see a lot of one-inning relief on both sides.

3. Jason Varitek is starting to hit in the Bronx. Does Francona have him try to catch Wakefield's knuckler? (Update: Derek Lowe is pitching. Got bad information, or just old information, at the bar.)

Other takes from Game 6:

• The crowd Tuesday night was embarrassing. Wet and miserable, I'm sure. Quiet bats don't help. But they turned Yankee Stadium into a church, and there's no excuse for throwing shit on the field after two umpire over-rulings that were clearly correct. We need you guys Wednesday night. Do your job.

• Alex Rodriguez, Gary Sheffield and Hideki Matsui followed up their 1-for-15 performance in Game 5 by going 2-for-11 Tuesday night. Jason Giambi was also held hitless for the postseson.

• A note from our favorite nurse in L.A.: "Manny Ramirez looks like one of my homeless patients."

• I think Sox and Yanks fans can agree on one thing: We're not watching Rebel Billionaire.

• Thank god FOX stopped showing replays of fights and knockdown-pitches and all the other bullshit that gets over-hyped in this one-sided rivalry. All but one game has been a hard-fought, clean, respectful nail-biter. To a man, I think everyone has appreciated Al Leiter's commentary, and I think it's because he talks only about the game, and hasn't once mentioned the words "Evil Empire" or "Zimmer" or "Curse."

We're almost done, folks. Enjoy the finale.

Aura and Mystique to the Stage!

We can still make it a Bronx sweep. Everyone rise up and defend the Empire.

Thoughts on ALCS Game 5

I've given up on the message board generating interaction. I guess people are conditioned to posting comments below. Here we go...

• If home-field advantage is worth a field goal in football, it's worth twice as much when talking Fenway vs. Yankee Stadium in October. How do you bet against the last at-bat with these teams, who seem destined to break every "longest-game" record there is? Against each other, and including the playoffs, the Sox have won six of the last nine at Fenway, while the Yanks have won seven of eight in the Bronx.

• I don't need to see 120 crowd shots of Sox fans about to throw up on themselves. I get it: they're tortured, nervous and ugly. Enough, FOX.

• Even with the tension in Game 5, there were a lot of laughs with the guys I saw the game with at Brother Jimmy's on the Upper West Side. That happens when both teams have little options other than guys who are expected to get cranked. "You want Paul Quantrill?! Are you nuts?" "Mike Timlin looks like Mel Stottylemyre, 'cept Mel pitched in the 1960s." And ya' know what? Most of 'em came through (except Tom Gordon). Even Esteban Loaiza was throwing well, before losing on a bloop.

• Here are Mariano Rivera's blown saves in nine years' worth of playoffs: Sandy Alomar, Jr. hits an opposite-field home run with his eyes closed, Luis Gonzalez drives in a winning run on a bullshit hit that's in no one's dream growing up, Bill Mueller cracks a legitimate shot through the middle after a walk to a scrub and a steal by a pinch-runner whom I've never seen hit, and Mo gives up one hit and no earned runs the next night.

• Pedro Martinez was mediocre ... again. Fourteen baserunners in six innings — six less than Mike Mussina — does not an ace make. The Yanks' bats just weren't timely, same as in Game 4.

• Not since Ken Griffey, Jr. and Edgar Martinez in 1995 have I been so scared of a one-two tandem such as the likes of Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz. On the flip side, Kevin Millar scares me like not at all. Like, if he were in the NL, we'd pitch to him so we didn't have to face the pitcher. And he's batting fifth.

• Is it just me, or does Yankee Stadium just feel twice as large as Fenway Park?

• You can't get on Alex Rodriguez, Gary Sheffield and Hideki Matsui — not after what they did Saturday night — but holy shit did they have some chances to win the pennant on Monday. 1-for-15. That's all, folks.

• Five hours and 49 minutes for a baseball game?

• The non-strike on Manny Ramirez in the bottom of the ninth, when he twirled around on a 1-0 pitch, was the worst call I have ever seen in baseball. And it's not even close. Didn't hurt the Yanks, because he flew out to center on the next pitch, but it was absolutely the worst, easily displacing Don Denkinger's "safe" call of Jorge Orta at first base in the 1985 World Series against the Cardinals. And that was horrendous.

• In case some of you Pirates and Brewers fans are wondering, you start counting outs to the pennant when you have nine left. I'm coining the phrase now, it's an "out-counting situation." So far in this series we've had two out-counting situations, and the Yanks blew them both.

• The Yanks and Sox have combined for 21 runs in 25½ innings over Games 4 and 5. Only 3.7 runs per team over nine innings. And yet I feel like this has been a hitter's series all the way. Oh, maybe it's because the Yankees left 32 (!) men on base during that time.

• New York is a big place, lots of transplants. We've got Cowboys fans, Steelers fans, Florida Gators fans, you name it. Anyway, in the first three games of the series, there were lots of Boston caps and jerseys in the bars. Last two games: not so much. I report, you decide.

• I've lost all respect for Mets fans — and I didn't have much to begin with — since I've discovered almost all of them are rooting for the Red Sox. I absolutely respect non-Gay-Rod-shirt-wearing Sox fans — it's just baseball, after all — but when I see a dork in a Mets cap cheering "Yes!" after a Yanks whiff, I think he should deported from the Big Apple. Have some respect, man. At least stay home and admire your Mo Vaughn baseball cards, you pathetic, straw-grasping weasel.

• Lots of people are asking, Do you want the 'Stros or Cards? Right now I want the pennant. But I keep saying the NL teams are pretty much the same: great lineups, decent pitching, good home crowds (since, unlike Atlanta, they're not bored yet of losing in the postseason). I just hope we get to face one of them. I would like to see Clemens make another start at the Stadium, though, 'cause I think we'd blast the absolute shit out of him. Then again, we couldn't hit a 55-m.p.h. knuckler needing one run to get to the World Series.

• Just wondering, Is Curt Schilling gonna talk about shutting up 55,000 fans again? Also wondering if I'm gonna have to rely on Kevin Brown in a Game 7. Stay tuned for more throw-up games, courtesy of the series that seemingly won't end!

Weekend Sports Wrap: The Happiest Team Ever Down 3-1

Wow, Fenway Park was on fire Sunday. Can you believe the Sox finally broke the cur... What? They're down 3-1, with only one home game remaining?

Hah, had to get that one in there, but the ALCS has always been about four victories, not three. I also don't believe too much in momentum in baseball series, which is why I didn't count them out Sunday night and certainly don't concede Game 5 on Monday. Baseball is a game of averages, just like blackjack or some other games casinos love me to play. The slate is wiped clean with each new starter, and so it will be Monday at 5 p.m., when the Yanks and Sox face each other for the 152nd time in the last two years.

At least we know that game won't end at 1:30 a.m. It can't, right?

As for Game 4, the Yanks just couldn't string together hits. Really didn't hit too many balls hard, rather flying out lamely, the kind that get teammates screaming at you in softball. And in this said game of averages, I expect them to find a way to string together necessary hits sometime in the next three games. But nobody needs to tell us it ain't over till it's over. We kinda invented that saying, ya know?

Other takes from Game 4: Kevin Millar shaving that unweildy, ugly-ass goatee, evidently receiving the memo that it looks stupid. And Johnny Damon playing catch with fans outside the park after A-Rod's two-run blast, a moment as uncomfortable as a guy dancing shirtless at a wedding. If he'd have picked up the ball to heave it over the wall again, a close friend was gonna have to intervene.

• Because of Yanks-Sox, I didn't get to try out the Sunday Night Football Drinking Game, but I swear in a span of two minutes, Paul Maguire was guilty of two instances of "I'm a tell ya what" and one "watch... watch..." on an instant replay. I was rolling.

• I wish Bill Simmons was kidding — but I know better — about this note at the end of his post-Game 3 column: "Heading to the subway after the game, I bought two t-shirts from sidewalk vendors to make myself feel better. The first one says "YANKS SUCK" on the front and questions A-Rod's sexual preference on the back. That was $10. The second one simply says, "POSADA IS A LITTLE B***H." That was $5. I'm going to break them both out this winter in California. Frequently." And that's why Eric Neel claims in another ALCS column, "The Red Sox thing has jumped the shark." No kidding, man. Too many crass jackasses allowed entry into the "Nation." (Last I checked, the Yanks were a bigger road draw, by the way. In case you wanted to know, "Nation.")

• Next Sunday's Week 7 matchup between the 5-0 Pats and the 5-0 Jets marks the latest point in 30 seasons in which undefeateds will face each other. A nice stat but this ain't exactly the 8-1 two-time-defending-champ Cowboys traveling to San Fran to play the 7-2 future champ 49ers in 1995 — a game that had Hall of Famers all over the field. This also marks the first time in four games that the Jets will play a team with a win in 2004.

• This may the gayest thing ever written on this site, but how good-looking is Howie Long to be able to carry off that hair-do? Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't "The Boz" look expire like 15 years ago? I'll have to do a bad-sports-hair column in the future. At least Pete Rose will be recognized as a Hall of Famer for something.

• A lot of people got a kick out of Cincinnati receiver Chad Johnson sending bottles of Pepto-Bismol to the Cleveland Browns as a warning of what he was gonna do to them Sunday. I sure laughed about it. I mean, calling out the Cleveland Browns' defense? Johnson finished Sunday's 34-17 loss with a whopping three catches for 37 yards ... and four drops.

• Yep, that really was Tommy Lee playing with the Nebraska band Saturday. Talk about weird times for the 'Huskers. First they lose to Texas Tech by 60. Then they have a guy most famous for flogging Pam Anderson on a boat play in the band. And they finally had a 300-yard passer this past weekend. That's right. Before Joe Dailey threw for 342 yards Saturday, no Nebraska QB has ever passed for more than 297 yards. And I guarantee you Tequila Dave could've told you that. (Yeah, Dave, you get bold print, too, upon first mention.)

• I swear SportsByBrooks.com could open up a restaurant and put Hooters out of business. Are you kidding me with these racks?

• Not that we're ever gonna find out, but would Edgar Martinez have sat the bench in all World Series games played in NL parks? I see he never fielded a position from 2002-04. So he never started a game in away interleague games during that time? I guess either him or Olerud would have had to sit, and Johnny O. wasn't much worse as a hitter the last three years.

• After Daunte Culpepper finished up his second-straight five-TD game, I was hoping a reporter would start an interview by asking, "So, what happened on those two interceptions?" Just to see how hard he could punch a man in the face. Where's Jim Gray when you need him?

• Say this for Saints fans, they're loyal, if to a fault. Sunday night was their 34th consecutive sell-out and yet they give up 605 yards in offense to the Vikes and no one's even surprised. I mean, is anyone walking around Bourbon Street bemoaning how this could possibly happen? And yet they jam the joint every home date. Of course, even though the Superdome is one of the absolute ugliest monstrosities in pro sports, it's still a great tourist attraction.

Other Sports Links:

• If Torre Is Buddha, Francona Is a Mess — The New York Times has spoken.

• College Hoops: 20 Questions for 20 Teams — SI.com's Seth Davis with a little FAQ on the country's top 20. Includes the first "cutting down the nets" reference of the year. Expect to read that phrase about 12 billion times between now and April. Plus 18 billion more from Dickie V.

• Baseball-Reference.com's Player Collegiate Information — The top-notch stats and info site now indexes all-time major-leaguers by their colleges. Syracuse has sent 25 players to the bigs, though none debuted since Mike Barlow in 1975. Might have something to do with not having a baseball program. Best player ever? The legendary Eddie Brown, known affectionately (I think) as "Glass Arm Eddie."

• Who's Your Daddy? T-Shirt Goes for $155 on eBay — A new bidder with zero feedback won the auction. New to eBay, I suppose, because he must've spent some time in a mental institution.

• My Madden 2005 Stat Book — Man, I'm getting my ass handed to me this year. I can't even win with the Pats. How to tell a really good player: they pass all the time to the sideline and they blitz 18 guys up your ass on every play.

• ESPN's College Hoops Top 25 — Only three of the top four are from the ACC? Why not just give 'em the top eight spots. And then Syracuse (No. 5) can beat the ACC tourney champ in the Big Dance and UConn can eliminate two more.

• Manute Bol Broken but Blessed — SI's Steve Rushin on the tragic car accident suffered by a genuine good guy at the hands of a drunk driver.

• Dr. Z: Ray Lewis Isn't Best MLB Ever — Don't let ESPN's Sunday night guys read this! Paul Zimmermann says Lewis benefits from a little home-field stats-keeping advantage.

• Single-Season Leaders for Intentional Walks — Most ever by a man not named Barry Bonds: 45. Number Barry had in 2004: 120. Tenth-best ever: John Olerud in 1993? Seventeenth-best ever: Adolpho Phillips in 1967? And of course, one of the most intriguing baseball stats ever, number of intentional walks issued to Roger Maris in 1961: zero.

• High Death Rate Lingers Behind Fun Facade of Pro Wrestling — I should have probably saved this link for the next time a former or current wrestler in his early 40s dies of a heart attack. Like next week.

The ESPN Sunday Night Football Drinking Game

Earlier this year, when I wrote a post titled ESPN's Sunday Night Football Crew Worse Than Gigli, I said, "I now look forward to [Paul] Maguire beginning his analysis with the superfluous and grammatically incorrect, 'I'm a tell ya what...' If you added that reference to a drinking game, the whole place would be puking by halftime."

Well, get out your barf bags.

Here's how to play:

• Set yourself up with a minimum of six beers for the three-hour game. If the Ravens are playing (and they are just about every other week), grab eight.
• Take the assigned number of swigs — about the equivalent of one ounce, or 12 swigs per bottle/can. Do NOT drink when Paul Maguire is speaking. You might spit it up.
• If any of the "chug" criteria is met, you must finish your beer, even if you have to take a leak really badly.

DRINK WHEN MIKE PATRICK...
1 - Raves over the offensive line on a three-yard run
1 - Says a player is one of the best in the NFL when you can name 10 others at his position who are better
1 - Says the home crowd is making it too loud to hear, even though your neighbors can hear him through your TV
1 - Says "What a day in the NFL!"
1 - Says "Are you kidding me?!"
1 - Describes a play as "unbelievable," "amazing" or "incredible." Important: the play itself does not have to be remotely unbelievable, amazing or incredible
1 - Refers to a player as "one of the all-time greats"
1 - Calls a player one of the most underrated in the league
2 - Makes you lower the volume
2 - Says "Let's go down to Suzy Kolber. Suzy."
Chug - Says "Let's go down on Suzy Kolber. Suzy."
Chug - Breaks your ear drum

DRINK WHEN PAUL MAGUIRE...
1 - Prefaces any analysis with "I'm a tell ya what."
1 - Says "I'm gonna tell ya something" right before actually telling you something
1 - Says the word "watch" more than twice on any instant replay, as if you were doing anything but watching
1 - Says something you didn't already know
1 - Admits to being scared of Ray Lewis
1 - Says he talked to a player/coach earlier in the week
2 - Calls Theismann "Joseph"
Chug - Calls Theismann "an idiot"

DRINK WHEN JOE THEISMANN...
1 - Utters the phrase "like a Bill Parcells."
1 - Mentions his own playing career
1 - Points out a flaw in a quarterback's mechanics, whether or not the replay backs it up
1 - Says "What impresses me most about..."
1 - Mentions Notre Dame in any capacity
1 - Says he talked to a player/coach earlier in the week
1 - Says "If I'm the [insert team here]..."
2 - Offers a team advice "if they wanna win this game," as if they're on the fence about whether or not they want to win
2 - Refers to his punting career (one punt for one yard in 1985)
2 - Predicts a penalty that goes the other way
Chug - Refers, again, to any historical genius as "Norman Einstein."

DRINK WHEN...
1 - Ray Lewis is mic'ed up
1 - Ray Lewis is mentioned when the Ravens aren't playing
1 - A special-teams coach is said to have done "a great job"
2 - One of the three announcers accuses another of avoiding dinner checks
Chug - A drunken Hall of Fame quarterback hits on a marginally attractive sideline reporter
Chug - The Ravens are playing and anyone but Ray Lewis is mic'ed up
Chug - Any of the SFL crew mentions Ray Lewis' criminal record

Other Sports Drinking Games:

• Yankees vs. Red Sox Drinking Game — Four drinks each time Manny Ramirez forgets how many outs there are.

• College Football Drinking Game — Not all that creative, but at least beer is involved.

• Hockey Drinking Game — Good thing it's adaptable to NCAA hockey.

Beat This Caption: Jenna Bush

"First Lady Laura Bush watches the third 2004 presidential debate with her twin daughters, Barbara (left) and Jenna. Barbara was impressed with her dad's 'hard work' on stage, while Jenna thought the format was a bit long, saying, 'I really had to go pee.'"

(To beat this caption, post a comment below.)

A PK.com World Exclusive! (And World-Class Hooters!)

So I was surfing the web for Rodney Dangerfield jokes and Alyssa Milano pictures when...

WE INTERRUPT THESE COMMON POP-CULTURE REFERENCES FOUND ON THIS SITE THREE DAYS A WEEK TO BEING YOU THIS PAULKATCHER.COM SPECIAL REPORT...

(OK, now pretend I'm wearing a tie and have a ironing board shoved up my ass.)

Hello from the PaulKatcher.com newsroom in New York. PK.com interviewee Shaune Bagwell e-mailed in Tuesday to annouce the birth of her first child, Skyler Jaye Knight. Pictured on the right is mom (whose body resembles no recent mother I've ever met), Skyler and daddy Travis Knight, who averaged 1.5 points-per-game in three seasons with my hometown Knicks (face it, Wilt Chamberlain couldn't save those teams). We wish them all the best.

Shaune will be making an up-coming guest appearance on the Howard Stern radio show. Date and time TBD. Stay tuned to PK.com News for the latest. If news breaks, we'll bring it to you.

We now return you to your regulary scheduled programming.

(OK, now I'm back in jeans and a long-sleeve t-shirt.)

... when an e-mail came in from Brooks Mechior, the L.A. sports radio host who's made a splash on the web with SportsByBrooks.com and the bevy of beauties he employs at SBB events. Brooks promised to post a picture of him sporting a kick-ass PaulKatcher.com t-shirt and damn if he didn't come through like Ruben Sierra turning on a hanging breaking ball.

Brooks is planning a NYC event and, as official SBB New York chapter president, I will do anything in my power to make sure Brooks and the girls have a comfortable stay.

Be on the Lookout for Known Terrorist I-Zheet M'Drurz

There are only two instances where I don't mind being three years behind on something. Any concert tour involving David Lee Roth, and Saturday Night Live sketches. I don't know about you, but 11:30 p.m. Saturday isn't a prime TV viewing time at PK.com world headquarters.

Nonetheless, I catch the show on Comedy Central re-runs and through Internet clips. The latter is how I came across a video of a 2001 sketch starring Robert DeNiro as National Security Director Craig Fenson. In what could best be described as a mix of Bart Simpson and Osama bin Laden, Mr. Fenson warns Americans to be on the lookout for "nefarious terrorists" with some obscene-sounding names.

Very funny stuff that translates best in video, but here's the transcript:

Craig Fenson: Good afternoon. In the past few weeks, through our national hotline, we have collected hundreds of names of suspected terrorists, and I'm proud to say that most of the calls have come from high school and college students nationwide. In fact, we received over 475 calls alone regarding this man: M'Balz Es-Hari. We also received information on such nefarious terrorists such as Graabir Boubi and Haid D'Salaami. And let this be a message to you, Haid D'Salaami: we will not play your dangerous games We are also currently searching for a man we believe to be a al-Queda lieutenant: Hous Bin Pharteen, his cousin I-Bin Pharteen, and their close companion, I-Zheet M'Drurz. Question over there?

Reporter No. 1: Is there a way to identify Hous Bin Pharteen?

Craig Fenson: Our operatives have picked up his scent. Also, according to our intelligence, he is targeting gas refineries, fertilizer plants and, oddly enough, baked-bean canneries. He is a silent but deadly killer.

Reporter No. 2: What can you tell us about I-Zheet M'Drurz?

Craig Fenson: We're told that, when he was fleeing the scene of his last attack, he left skidmarks. He is extremely dangerous. Our sources say that he is planning on attacking the New York City sewer system with what we believe it is to be a dirty bomb.

Reporter No. 3: Do you have any other names you're willing to release?

Craig Fenson: Yes. Please call our hotline at once if you have any information on the following men: Shaif Hirboush. Al-Suq Akweer. Mustaf Herod Apyur Poupr. I hope I got that right. Awan Afuqya. Yul Strokheet Al-Wauch. Apul Madeek, who we believe will be targeting adult bookstores sometime in the near future. And this man, the notorious Yuliqa M'Diq, A.K.A. Uwana M'Diq, A.K.A. Usuqa M'Diq. Thank you, that is all. And live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

Other Web Finds:

• Blowjob Follies by Tucker Max — The rudest, crudest real-name blogger I've ever come across, recounts some less-than-satisfying experiences in the sack. Special guest appearances by skidmarks and vomit.

• Funny Halloween Costumes — Time to start getting ready. And if your costume of choice is Fulla Bologna, Blow Me Tissue or a Toilet Seat, you're in luck.

• How Bush Did in Debate No. 1 — A five-minute, highly-edited video showcasing Bush's bumbles, stumbles and fumbles in Miami. I'm sure someone can produce the same for Kerry if they're willing to do the "hard work" necessary to produce it. Really, it's hard work. (Did I mention it's hard work?)

• JibJab's Good to be in D.C. — The guys who brought you the ultra-popular This Land political Flash sketch are back. I'm like Burger King here; I'm not really lovin' it. I mean, they wouldn't just force out another one just because the first did like 50 billion hits, would they? (Thanks, Pee Wee)

• Joe Bob's Conical 'Hooter' List — One of the most influential men of my teen-age years lists just about every euphemism ever uttered for "breast." Let's hear it for girls with big milk mountains and real chesticals. Ordering two eggs, sunny side up!

• Planet Photoshop Tutorials — After you're done visiting the other useless shit I throw at you, go learn something.

• Poker Odds Calculator — Odds of you having a life and beating those pros in Vegas: 0%

• Presidential Candidate Selector — Get past the talk of flip-flops and war service and learn which candidate is likely to best serve your interests related to foreign policy, the economy, drug laws and more. My survey came in strongly for Kerry. Not a surprise. (Thanks, G. Joe)

• Stern Show News Archives — An insanely detailed daily account of Howard Stern's radio show from MarksFriggin.com, a very popular site since about the time Al Gore invented the Internet.

• Fly a Virtual Aerial Show — I don't know how to describe this self-directed paper-plane/colorful flying paper-majig-or-whatever, but it's pretty cool if you don't have plans for the next 10 seconds.

• JasonWatts.org — Shameless plug for a PK.com reader. Everyone is entitled to one, ya know. "Always right when trying to make sense of the left," is the tagline for Jason's blog, which features links and commentary supporting our fearless Commander-in-Chief, Mr. George W. Bush.

Weekend Sports Wrap: Armageddon Was Four Years Ago

I've been told there's a playoff series starting Tuesday in the Bronx. Oh, it's a big deal, all right. But I'm a little hesitant to view a third league-championship series in six years against the same wild-card team we've already beaten twice as an end-of-the-world event. Maybe for them. Not for us. But it would make for a nice, round number: 40 World Series appearances.

As far as I'm concerned, the biggest series the Yankees have played in my lifetime, the one with the most on the line, was the 2000 World Series against the Mets. And the reason is simple: That was the first Subway Series in the 38-year history of New York's minor-league team, and there was no guarantee of it happening soon thereafter. Lose that one and you might have to hear about it for decades. There was also that three-peat thing on the line, the unofficial marker for a true dynasty.

The situation with the Red Sox, though, is carnival-like. Boston fans are at New York's booth, flinging countless quarters onto a glass plate, trying desperately to win the big, stuffed Garfield. And even if they get one, we've already taken in 50 times more money than the thing is worth.

It's like Dave Attell asks: "Have you ever made fun of someone so much you think you should thank them for all the good times you had?"

If, in fact, this is the Red Sox' year — something I heard a lot of last year, by the way — I'd just like to say, "Thanks. It's been a blast."

And if Boston doesn't win, then we'll do our best to work on some new material.

• Who's the better 2004 deal at first base? The Yankees' Jason Giambi at $12,428,571 or the Mets' Mo Vaughn at $17,166,667. I think you could argue both ways.

• I'm a tell ya what, I think Paul McGuire broke his own Sunday night record for "I'm a tell ya what" utterances with 462. I was laughing my ass off. I'm gonna tell ya something right now: Coming soon will be The PK.com Official Sunday Night Football Drinking Game. (No one steal this idea till I get it done!)

• What a sweet gesture by Brian Billick to name Jamal Lewis captain for Sunday night's football game. I mean, when I think of attributes that embody a captain, pleading guilty in a federal drug conspiracy case and facing four months in jail after the season is right up there. And good to see Ray Lewis miked once more, because I'm definitely not tired of him yelling and screaming like a raving lunatic. All his teammates look at him like, "Whatever man, just don't knife me."

• Next week, the undefeated Jets host the winless 49ers, seven days after hosting the winless Bills, two weeks after beating the winless Dolphins. Who made this schedule, Herm Edwards?

• If it's possible for both the Astros and Braves to lose Monday's deciding Game 5 of the NLDS, I'm sure they'll figure out a way.

• When the doc says take two and call me in the morning, he's not talking steroids and cocaine. Former NL MVP Ken Caminiti is dead of a heart attack at age 41. He made $37.5 million playing baseball and basically killed himself. (career stats)

• SportsByBrooks.com posted a link that reports Alex Rodriguez has been doing some off-field swinging with his wife. Hey man, whatever works. He was electric at the plate, in the field, and on the bases in the ALDS. Also from SBB, SI.com reports that Cowboys guard Larry Allen has bench-pressed 700 pounds. That's the weight of Ted Washington and Sam Adams combined. (Also almost double the 388 pounds of marijuana found in trucks transporting Nate Newton and enough bud to get all of Jamaica high for a decade.)

• Looks like I should've bought that single Game 1 ALCS ticket for $82 when I had the chance ... if only to sell it. A pair of much crappier upper-deck seats went for $339 (including shipping) on eBay, though there's always more interest in pairs than singles. Imagine if you were a New York ticket broker holding onto 50 ALCS tickets. You could've gotten Yanks-Sox, Yanks-Angels or a refund. Can you imagine the celebrating those guys did Saturday?

• A pair of bleacher seats for the ALCS Game 4 at Fenway went for a cool $930 (including shipping). And now you know why I entered the drawing on RedSox.com for postseason-ticket-purchasing rights. Winning that lottery was like, well, winning the lottery.

• Vladimir Guerrero's grand slam altered the Red Sox's chances of winning the series from 99.9 percent to 98.9 percent, but damn if that wasn't hilarious. That was the quietest I'd ever heard Fenway Park. Quietest I'd ever heard a church. I'd imagine even Sox fans can laugh about it now, because you know they all had flashbacks. I mean, did those fans even look at each other? I bet they just looked straight ahead, with a I-won't-say-anything-if-you-don't face, and tried to think about anything but baseball.

• Twins center fielder Torii Hunter on the team that had just ripped his heart out: "The Yankees are the best team I've ever played against."

• If there isn't a bigger kiss of death in Madden 2005 than when someone calls your cell and you try talking and playing at the same time, I don't know what is. A guaranteed sack, fumble and TD return.

• If you saw the Giants get trounced at Philly in Week 1 — at the time their ninth straight loss — you knew all the signs were there that four weeks later they'd be in sole possession of the top NFC wild-card spot. You could really see it coming a mile away.

• When I was in Vegas in August, I bet $20 that the (now 3-2) Chargers would win more than 4½ games and $10 that the (now 4-1) Giants would win more than 6. How ya like me now? My need to brag overrides my embarrassment at these paltry sums, but I'd already lost $500 that weekend to assorted emotionless Asian female blackjack dealers.

• Right before the start of the playoffs, SI.com's Dan George wrote, "You heard it here first: The Twins will win the World Series." Quite the prediction, considering they were likely going to have to go through the Yankees and the Red Sox and perhaps the Cardinals, the top three teams in the Power Rankings column in which the what-the-hell-nobody-will-remember-if-I'm-wrong pick appeared.

• Michael Vick has thrown for two scores (and three picks) and rushed for none in five games this season. I like watching him as much as the next guy — ya know, love the Nike commercial and all — but man (start Paul McGuire voice) you talk about a guy who was atop everybody's fantasy football chart a season ago and you talk about a guy whose stats are just like ... no, not Randall Cunningham ... no, not Steve Young ... but legendary fantasy football team killer himself, Kordell Stewart!

You Say These Aren't the Same Yankees?

I almost felt bad for Twins fans on Saturday. It was almost like Barf Bag Night after Ruben Sierra tied Game 4 with a one-out, three-run homer in the eigth inning. Did you see the looks on those people's faces? It was like their dogs were run over ... in trucks used to kidnap their kids.

I gotta give Twins fans credit, though. They're a respectful, energetic crowd, owed a ton of credit for the 1987 and 1991 World Series (when the Twins went 0-6 on the road and 8-0 at home). Sure, they boo Derek Jeter, the poster boy for the big, bad Yankees. But do they resort to vicious innuendo about a man's sexuality — as if it meant anything whatsoever — just because he enjoys the finer things in life, like World Series rings? Do they spew stupid crap like "Gay-Rod," when the best all-around player in baseball rocks a double and hustles his ass to score the winning run in a series? No, they've experienced a couple of championships. They're not some jealous outsiders who think opponents suck or blow or swallow or whatever the fuck they're prone to think in some parts, just because a team wins.

I also thought, "How many teams have we done this to?" How many packed stadiums have we left in our wake, absolutely demoralizing them on the road? The A's. The Mariners. The Orioles. The Mets. The Braves. The Rangers. The Padres. The Indians. That team that's finished second in the AL East for seven straight years. Jesus, no wonder people hate us so much. Except for the Marlins and Angels, winners of, yes, three World Series titles since 1997. Same as the Yankees. I bet some teams would kill to have just one.

Yankees record in ALDS under Joe Torre: 7-2
Yankees record in ALCS under Joe Torre: 6-0
Yankees record in World Series under Joe Torre: 4-2

That's 17-4 in postseason series over a nine-year period. Incredible. I know the next one will be a heart-attack special — and I'll have more on that Monday — but keep an eye out for a guy just named to the ALCS roster: Babe Ruth.

Review: Friday Night Lights (The Movie)

I never understood the point of Hollywood versions of modern real-life events. Why see Will Smith portray Muhammad Ali when there's enough video of The Greatest to fill 100 U-Hauls? Why watch ESPN's Hust$le over the network's own SportsCentury documentary? What, does Tom Sizemore do Pete Rose better than Rose himself?

So it was with great trepidation that I saw an opening-afternoon release of Friday Night Lights, the real-life story of the 1998 Odessa Permian Panthers football team, a squad of high-schoolers who play in front of 19,000 obsessed home fans who expect nothing less than a state championship. And who, apparently, can't live without it.

Much to my surprise and delight, the movie remains faithful to H.G. Bissinger's deep and thoughtful book, by capturing the intense pressure placed on 17-year-old, 180-pound boys to carry the hopes of a town mired in an oil bust. And it's the young men, ironically, who seem to be the only ones who realize the relative unhealthiness of it all. (High-school obsessed fans are gushing over this movie, because it feeds their hunger for football. But they're missing the social significance.)

But when you're treated as a local hero — accumulating all the adulation, gifts and girls that are afforded you — you just go with it. You go with it, even if you have to deal with overbearing parents, angry radio who callers questioning your abilities, and the struggle to mix football with any sort of other accomplishment that will get you the hell out of Odessa.

As for the hard-core facts, there's a lot of areas where the movie differs from real life. But that's Hollywood, for you. A phony place filled with phony people. Every tackle has to be a crushing blow. Every failed first down has to be a half-yard short. Every comeback has to start from four TDs down instead of one, because we're just too dumb, I guess, to grasp the situation otherwise.

Still, the big picture remains clear: In Odessa, Texas, high school football is king. And everyone else are its servants.

In Five Words or Less: A Solid, Smart Effort

Friday Night Lights Links:

• Permian Panthers Lose on Movie's Opening Night — Friday night lights out. Panthers lose 42-34 to rival Midland.

• MetaCritic's Friday Night Lights Page — I'm surprised the aggregate score is as low as 69. I think it's a solid three-out-of-four star effort, and probably would have been higher if I hadn't already known the outcome or been watching for stuff that was made up.

• Friday Night Lights Ten Years Later — On online package from several years ago when it was just a book. At the time, West Texans were not fond of the way they were painted by H.G. Bissinger. Times change when you alter a few facts and turn it into a Hollywood production, huh? Read how the book impacted Odessa.

• 1988 Permian Panthers Roster — You know it's high school football when the star running back is the heaviest guy on the team, at 200 pounds. How does a guy (No. 87, Cory Harrison) weigh 125 pounds as a high-school senior? Compare that to the weights of the current players. There are six players 250 pounds or heavier. (Part of MojoLand's FNL package.)

• ESPN.com's Book Club — Lots of stuff on the movie: interviews, reviews, even excerpts from the book.

• Friday Night Lights Fuses Fiction, Fact to Get to Big Screen — The Houston Chronicle does its own analysis of what's real and what's reel. I can't believe the real-life Charlie Billingsley would let himself be portrayed as such a vicious drunk. Or that the Dallas Carter Cowboys wouldn't be offended being painted as a bunch of cheap-shotting racists.

• Tyler-Plano East Playoff Call Stands Test of Time — The most exciting high school football finish occurred in the 1994 Texas state tournament when Plano East rallied from a 41-17 deficit to John Tyler with four minutes left by recovering three consecutive onside kicks after scores. With 26 second left and clinging to a miraculous 44-42 lead, Plano East kicked off to Tylers's Roderick Dunn, who (yes, sir!) returned it 97 yards for a touchdown. One of the television announcers — and unabashed homer — is famous for saying after the final score: "God bless those kids. I think I'm gonna be sick." Details of the game and what was actually said by Eddy Clinton are written about here.

Top 10 Yankees Playoffs Moments of the Joe Torre Era

I don't know how I'll die, but I'm pretty sure it won't be by heart attack watching a Yankees game. How could it? The team has already tried to kill me with enough tense moments over the past decade.

The latest, of course, was Wednesday night's thrilling extra-inning comeback victory vs. the gutty Twins, who for once did not snare a long drive and send a stake through my heart. It was Alex Rodriguez's finest moment as a Yankee, and certainly not his last. He's signed through 2010, ya know. Yep, six more years, at least, of the now-29-year-old A-Rod anchoring that lineup.

Anyway, you know you've had it good with Joe Torre as manager when you have a game like Wednesday's and it barely cracks the list of top-10 Yankees postseason moments of the last nine years. Let's see the Braves come up with something remotely close. And I'll even give them the last 13 years.

1. Boone Goes Boom — 2003 ALCS, Game 7: Aaron Boone was one of the crappiest postseason performers in the history of the Bronx Bombers, and yet he'll never pay for a meal in this town again. Everyone from the Babe to Mickey to Yogi to Reggie to the 100 or so million fans who've been with us over the last eight decades owe him for defending our history. Where Was I? Jake's Dilemma on the Upper West Side

2. Double-Sauteed Byung-Hyun Kim — 2001 World Series, Game 5: When Scott Brosius stepped to the plate with two outs in the ninth, the Yankees were staring down a second shutout in a Series in which they'd scored a total of seven runs in 45 innings at the plate. When he rounded the bases on New York's second gave-saving home run in as many nights, you had to believe in miracles. Just had to. In three straight nights, the Yankees turned an 0-2 Series deficit into a 3-2 lead in what may have been the most electric, jubilant week in the history of Yankee Stadium. Where Was I? Home on the Upper West Side

3. Now Playing: Aura! Tomorrow Night: Mystique! — 2001 World Series, Game 4: What a shitty fucking time. Terror, funerals, nerves, anthrax, Afghanistan, security, depressed tourism ... and now they're gonna take away our three straight World Series titles. D-Backs manager Bob Brenly lifts Curt Schilling for Byung-Hyun Kim, who promptly strikes out the side in the eighth inning. One out away from trailing the Series 1-3, Tino sends the Stadium into delirium. An inning later, Mr. November is born. Where Was I? Home on the Upper West Side

4. A Turned-On Slider Turns Off Braves — 1996 World Series, Game 4: Making their first World Series appearance in 15 years, the Yankees were silenced at home by the defending-champion Braves in the Series' first two games. A clutch win by David Cone in Game 3, in which the ump saw the plate as big as Star Jones' ass, gave the Yankees new life. Enter Kenny Rogers in Game 4 and a 6-0 deficit through five innings. Yanks cut it to 6-3 with one out and two men on in the eighth for the original cowboy, Jim Leyritz. Wohlers mixes in some high-90s fastballs with a couple of sliders to Jimmy. The final offering is a slider that Joe Buck called thusly: "Back to the track! To the wall! WE ARE TIED!" You could hear a pin drop in Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium, not that that's anything new. A clutch bases-loaded walk by Wade Boggs in the top of the 10th, coupled with an insurance run that followed, knotted the Series at 2-2. Andy Pettitte outdueled John Smoltz in Game 5 and the Series returned home to the Mecca of baseball, where the Yankees reclaimed their place atop the baseball mountain. Where Was I? Home on the Upper East Side, then out to Australia Bar for the end

5. Luis Sojo Has One Killer Dribble — 2000 World Series, Game 5: The first Subway Series in 54 years was the closest five-game Series ever. And in traditional Yankees fashion, our big hit came off a pitcher running on fumes, Al Leiter. The slowest ground ball ever to clear the infield had seeing eyes and a message for anyone who wondered which team owns New York. Where Was I? Ruby's Tap House on the Upper East Side

6. Justice Is Served — 2000 ALCS, Game 6: By the night of Oct. 17, the Mets had already punched their ticket to the World Series, and we couldn't have such a schlub team represent the Big Apple in our event. Up 3-2 in the series, but down 4-0 in the fourth inning, things weren't looking so good in the Bronx. The Bombers scratched out three in the bottom of that inning to close to 4-3, but still had the likes of A-Rod, Edgar Martinez, Jay Buhner and John Olerud to deal with. In the bottom of the seventh, with two men on, newcomer Dave Justice absolutely crushed an Arthur Rhodes offering into the right-field seats. Bedlam from the minute he made contact. Time to get the subway tokens. Where Was I? Blondies on the Upper West Side

7. Jeter Flips Off A's — 2001 ALDS, Game 3: In what would ignite a stirring comeback postseason for the Yankees, Derek Jeter preserved a 1-0 seventh-inning lead in Oakland by ranging way, way out of position to snag an errant throw home and instantaneously relay a flip to Jorge Posada in the nick of time to tag the non-sliding Jeremy Giambi (now the better Giambi, by the way). It ranks as one of the top plays in the last 25 years. Since the relay came on a double with two outs, it not only cut off the tying run, but erased a man from scoring position as well. The Yankees went on to cut Oakland's series lead to 2-1, then won the next two games to win the ALDS. Where Was I? Some bar in Hoboken

8. Tino Slams Padres in Grand Fashion — 1998 World Series, Game 1: I could hardly believe my eyes. The score read "Padres 5, Yankees 2," heading into the bottom of the seventh inning in a matchup between one of the greatest regular-season teams and, well, the Padres. In all seriousness, though, this was San Diego's best team ever, a 98-win club with a dominant Kevin Brown, 50-HR-hitting Greg Vaughn, still-great Tony Gwynn, kick-ass Trevor Hoffman and not-yet-ravaged-by-steroids Ken Caminiti. Anyway, not-yet-ravaged-by-throwing-problems Chuck Knoblauch tied the game with a one-out three run homer, and the Yankees subsequently loaded the bases with two outs. In steps Constantino Martinez against Mark Langston, whose 2-2 pitch was low by about the width of a midget's penis. The next pitch was just crushed. I think Michael Kay creamed himself on the call. Anyway, it was one of those bedlam-in-the-Bronx moments that set the tone for everything that came after it. Where Was I? At a girlfriend's house full of Red Sox fans in Massachusetts

9. Yanks Win One for the Zimmer — 2003 ALCS, Game 3: In what was the most tense game I've ever seen (until five days later), Roger Clemens outdueled Pedro Martinez as the Yankees took a 2-1 series lead in a game that featured Derek Jeter homering at Fenway (always a thrill), Pedro throwing at a guy's head, Manny overreacting to a pitch above the plate and a Red Sox groundskeeper getting stomped by Jeff Nelson. The contest had more sidebars than a Sunday edition of The New York Times. Where Was I? Jake's Dilemma on the Upper West Side

10. A-Rod Earns His Stripes — 2004 ALDS, Game 2: Who knows how his huge hit while down 6-5 with two men on and one out in the 12th will affect the rest of what is now a best-of-three series. I do remember thinking that a walk to Miguel Cairo would have been disastrous for the Twins, with Jeter, Rodriguez and Sheffield due up. And after Cairo and Jeter walked, a typically Stadium celebration was on tap. Either that or Minnesota's outfield was gonna run down another ball. The series momentum took a huge swing on that ball falling in the gap. Where Was I? Time Out on the Upper West Side

Honorable Mentions: Jeffrey "A True Yankee" Meier, Bernie's walkoff homers in Game 1 of both the 1996 and 1999 ALCS, O'Neill's game-winning catch in Game 5 of the 1996 WS, Jeter falling into the stands to make a catch late in Game 5 of the 2001 ALDS, Clemens sawing off Piazza and then helping him retrieve the lumber in Game 2 of the 2000 WS, Clemens' complete-game one-hitter in Game 5 of the 2000 ALCS at Seattle, Soriano's home run in the eighth inning of Game 7 of the 2001 WS (the last moment I remember from that season), Charlie Hayes catching the out that would begin the Yankees' dynasty, Chad Curtis' walk-off home run in Game 3 of the 1999 World Series.

Other Sports Links:

• 100 best Sports Moments of the Last 25 Years — Full write-ups on a host of great memories since the inception of ESPN.

• Send a Voice Mail From Lee Corso — Pretty cool ESPN.com feature where you type in a friend's phone number and he'll get a recorded call from the host of College Gameday.

• 10 Burning Questions for Amanda Beard — ESPN.com's Page 3 interviews the new most downloaded athlete. I guess after all these years guys are done masturbating to images of Anna Kournikova.

• Baseball's Future Hall of Fame Elections — not a lot of quality coming up in future years, aside from 2007, when Tony Gwynn, Mark McGwire and Cal Ripken Jr. will all make it on their first ballots. Other than that, I don't see anyone new who will be elected in 2005-06 or 2008-09.

• Dr. Z's NFL Power Rankings — Wow, who would've imagined the Giants would be No. 12 at this point, or any point, in the season. I had a dream Wednesday night that they were 5-1, so I would definitely bet all your savings on their next two games.

• Ichiro's Record-Breaking Ticket Stubs on eBay — Own an authentic piece of history from one of the most overrated baseball seasons ever. C'mon, thanks to only 49 walks, Ichiro's on-base percentage was .414, ninth-best in the majors, and not good enough to lead either league since 1991. That that's supposed to be what he does best, get on base. Sure as shit ain't driving the ball, because his OPS, which combines on-base-percentage and slugging, was 42nd in the majors, behind guys like Brad Wilkerson and Mark Loretta. Ya know what the difference is between a walk and a single with nobody on base? Nothing. Barry Bonds had 127 less hits and 41 more RBIs.

• NBA Power Rankings — An early-season look at who will dominate the pro hardwood. The Lakers drop all the way to 13, one year after they pretty much reserved the title for them. Think the Bulls or Knicks will be good at all in the next five years?

• What's Real, What's Not in Friday Night Lights — I can't understand why Hollywood needs to change any of the details from H.G. Bissinger's book, but at least the author endorses the film. I'm still steamed that they change the way the Permian Panthers' season finished. Stupid, fucking Hollywood and it's stupid, phony bullshitters.

Cheney's Facts as Straight as Richard Simmons

Here's what I love about Dick Cheney's false accusation in Tuesday night's vice-presidential debate that he'd never before met John Edwards, a charge against the man's voting record in the Senate. It wasn't just a honest mistake, like John Kerry referring to the Green Bay Packers' home as "Lambert Field." Or Kerry rooting for Boston slugger "Manny Ortez."

Instead, Cheney's zinger was an aggressive shot, the kind campaign managers prepare and the candidate discharges at his discretion. Kind of like a super bomb in an arcade game where you get three danger-free opportunities to blow up everything in sight. It was supposed to cause a stir, perhaps inspire a headline or two. Well, it worked.

Cheney had, in fact, met Edwards on at least three previous occasions (news item | photo evidence), and while you can't indict Cheney simply for not remembering making the acquaintance of a John Ritter lookalike, ya gotta laugh at someone loading up a water balloon and having it explode on his shirt.

But wait, there's more...

Dick also encouraged viewers not watching the Yanks-Twins game (um, people unlike me), to get the truth about Halliburton at FactCheck.com, a for-profit site run by billionaire George Soros, who isn't too interested in George Bush's tax breaks for the rich. (UPDATE: See comments on how FactCheck.com apparently was redirected to a Soros site.) Instead, Cheney meant to say FactCheck.org, an independent site run by the University of Pennsylvania.

But wait, there's more...

Understanding full well the reason for a dramatic traffic spike, FactCheck.org addressed Cheney's endorsement on its site Wednesday: "Cheney ... wrongly implied that we had rebutted allegations Edwards was making about what Cheney had done as chief executive officer of Halliburton."

"In fact we did post an article pointing out that Cheney hasn't profited personally while in office from Halliburton's Iraq contracts, as falsely implied by a Kerry TV ad. But Edwards was talking about Cheney's responsibility for earlier Halliburton troubles. And in fact, Edwards was mostly right."

Looks like Dick's gotta update those bookmarks.

Other News Links:

• Fox News Channel Admits Reporter Posted Fake Story About Kerry — Not sure if this falls closer to fair or balanced.

• Triumph of the Stultocracy — Ted Rall laments the voting power of the uninformed. In recent years, almost two-thirds of Americans could not name a single Supreme Court justice (c'mon, Wapner!) and 58 percent couldn't name a department of the president's cabinet (salad bowls, people!).

• 10-Second Web Ads: A Fantasy — A report shows that users spend less than a second looking at an ad, meaning that static ads are more effective than animated ones that take time to deliver messages. And what web genius made this very point four years ago when he worked for the interactive department of the world's fourth-largest ad agency? Yeah, me. Think anyone listened? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

• Will Consumers Follow Howard Stern to Satellite Radio? — CNET reports. You decide!

Paying Much Deserved Respect to Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004)

He was born Jacob Cohen in 1921 on Long Island, performed in a father-son comedy-juggling act as a young Phillip Roy, worked comedy clubs in the Catskills before age 20 as Jack Roy and left show business at 27 to better support his family. Luckily for us, he returned 15 years later as Rodney Dangerfield, a mix of Charlie Brown and a fifth of whiskey.

Jacob Cohen, a.k.a. Rodney Dangerfield, died Tuesday at age 82, and it's time to pay our full respects.

A few years ago, I saw a New York City subway ad for The New School — an adult learning post for musicians, artists, writers, etc. — that read, "Create Something." Those two simple words gave me a profound and deserved appreciation for those who build something out of nothing — words on a blank page, melodies out of thin air — cultural contributions that otherwise wouldn't have existed. The Beatles gave us 13 albums, but they also gave us countless musicians who might not have otherwise picked up a guitar or a bass. For photographers, painters, sculptors and, yes, comics, you can make the same analogy. Dangerfield's influence goes far beyond his own stand-up acts and movies. The world of comedy will bear his DNA long after we're gone, too.

And you know why they call it the gift of laughter? 'Cause it is.

PK.com Remembers Rodney Dangerfield:

• Rodney Dangerfield's Best One-Liners — Picking a favorite is like choosing which Playboy centerfold to most want to have sex with. I guess I'll go with "My wife does a lot of charity work. She handles all the policemen's balls."

• My Favorite Movies — My plot summary of No. 3, Back to School: "Thornton Melon takes his self-made money and shoves it up the ass of Grand Lakes University. Along the way, he manages to sneak into a sorority and intoxicate more minors than an NBA star on the road."

• Head 2 Head: Grand Lakes University vs. Adams College — Which college would you rather attend, the one from Back to School or Revenge of the Nerds?

• The Official PK.com All-Time Oscars Nominees — Back to School gets two nominations, for Best Actor and Best Picture. In the final results, though, Eddie Murphy and Hamburger ... The Motion Picture come out ahead.

Photos: Red Rock West's Harley-Davidson Fashion Show

Me and Harley-Davidson go together like Manny Ramirez and calculus. After all, my only bike is a 24-speed Specialized Sirrus.

But when a motorcycle event involves a sunny Sunday afternoon, free food, cheap booze and hot bartenders in leather chaps, I'm there. And so I put my camera in overdrive last week and posted 29 photos from the annual Harley Davidson Fashion Show at Red Rock West, a bar so popular it attracts customers that range from bikers to business execs, from sailors to celebs, from the tattooed to the toasted, to those god-awful, cheesy bachelorette parties from Long Island to the (worse!) carloads of nimrods from Jersey on their weekend jaunts to Manhattan.

Anyway, back to the show: One-by-one, the bartenders strutted and danced across the bar, showing off the latest and tightest Harley Davidson apparel. Ten-by-ten I took photos — nine-by-nine of which were blurry, since I don't know aperture from apricots and ISO from UFOs.

The mistress of ceremonies was none other than Tracy (pictured in red), one of my favorite bartenders, whom I interviewed last year and who maintains the official Red Rock West website, where you can read the latest bar news, meet the staff and view photo galleries that thankfully don't include any of me doing something retarded.

The highlight for me was winning a benefit raffle and being awarded a long-sleeve Red Rock t-shirt, plus a $100 gift certificate to the Harley-Davidson of NYC store. You know I'm no biker when I was more psyched to get the shirt. Well, looks like it's gonna be more shot glasses for the PK.com world headquarters.

Other New York Links:

• New York Press Best of Manhattan — Best Gay Bar for Straight Guys to Pick Up Chicks, Best Orgies, Best Movie About New York, Best Use of Tits at a Rock Venue, Best Place to Buy Bootleg Movies and more.

• Gotham Menu — Online menus of NYC businesses that will send short men who speak little English to your door. But that bag of food you don't have to cook is worth it.

• Daily News Posts Pics of Martha Stewart on Bahamas Beach — I don't think she has to worry about being hit on by prison guards.

• Vibrators Come to Madison Avenue — A sex shop opens at the corner of Madison Ave. and 69 Street. There were no leases available at the corner of Madison Ave. and Bite the Pillow Street.

Weekend Sports Wrap: Cubs Lose! Cubs Lose!

• "Hell Freezes Over: The Cubs Will Win the World Series," read the April 5, 2004 cover of Sports Illustrated. And as bad as SI's preseason scouting reports were — they had the Phillies, Mariners, Diamondbacks and Blue Jays also in the top 10 — you can't really fault them for advancing Chicago to the Fall Classic. The Cubs were just about everyone's NL pick, and that wasn't even counting on 16 wins from Greg Maddux (more than anyone on the Yankees) or the addition of Nomar Garciaparra to what was already one of the league's most potent lineups. For two-thirds of the season, the Cubs, Astros and Red Sox confounded with their decidedly uninspired play. Two of the three woke up. And the third is left to endure what could be one of the longest offseasons in its history. Never had expectations been so high, and never will time move slower than between now and April, when the record can be wiped clean.

• Who would've thunk it? The Rangers won more games than the Phillies. Randy Johnson could have won every one of his 35 starts, and the Diamondbacks still wouldn't have even challenged for a wild-card berth. Jason Giambi hit .213 for the season, 90 points lower than his career batting average entering 2004.

• Say goodbye to NFL parity. The Patriots, Colts, Eagles and Seahawks have simply been dominant. The Buccaneers, 49ers and Dolphins are simply horrid. And that's not even counting all of the unbeatens (Falcons, Jets) and winless (Bills, Chiefs).

• Hall of Fame resumé for the retiring Edgar Martinez, the best designated hitter ever: .312 BA, 309 HR, 1259 RBI, 1216 R, seven All-Star Games, two batting titles, six 100-RBI seasons. Very similar to Will Clark, who retired with a .303 BA, 284 HR, 1205 RBI, 1186 R and six All-Star Games. Knocks against both: no rings, neither were regulars among top-10 MVP vote-getters. Martinez finished third in 1995 and sixth in 2000. Clark won the 1989 NL MVP.

• Single tickets to a potential Game 1 of the ALCS at Yankee Stadium were still available on Ticketmaster.com Sunday. If you wanted to pay $82 ($65 + $17 in extra charges) for what is normally an $18 upper deck seat. I passed. Face value on the same World Series ticket is $140. Throw in a few beers at $8 a clip and you're looking at more than $600 for you and three of your buddies to sit in the nosebleeds. Take that shit to a bar, I say. Or get two years' worth of DirecTV's NFL Sunday Ticket, a ton of booze and get those friends together for 34 weeks of regular-season football.

• Rice scored 63 points in regulation on Saturday and missed covering the spread by more than three touchdowns. San Jose State, a 14½-point underdog, scored 70 in a game that featured 19 touchdowns.

• If the idea of ESPN airing the National Scrabble Championship shocks you, wait till you find out one of the participants had a real, live girlfriend in the crowd.

• Is there anyone alive who considers the Braves anything more than a postseason speed-bump? Seriously, does Vegas take any money at all on this team in October?

• Through four games, Purdue quarterback Kyle Orton has completed nearly 70 percent of his passes for 1,367 yards and 17 touchdowns, has thrown zero interceptions and ran for two scores. Folks, that's sick. His TD-to-INT ratio in those four games — 4-0, 4-0, 5-0 and 4-0. All adds up to a 194.1 passer rating and a monopoly on early season Heisman talk.

Other Sports Links:

• Giambi the Anti-AL MVP — Joel Sherman of the New York Post hands out his baseball awards and finds one for the Yankees' first baseman who can't hit, field or run. He also gives Javier Vazquez the anti-Cy Young for being most disappointing. He's been as unreliable as the cable company.

• 1980 U.S. Hockey Throwback Jerseys — I saw the movie Miracle last week, and I couldn't put it any better than the Washington Post's Mark Jenkins, who wrote, "For moviegoers who think if you've seen one sports flick, you've seen 'em all — well, you've definitely seen this one." On a scale of 1-to-10, I give it a blah. Kurt Russell was great. The hockey action was crisp and legit (they casted hockey players first and actors second), but the rest was predictable and uninspiring.

• Looking For Mr. Really Big — TIME magazine on NBA scouts' search for the next Shaq. And they ain't looking in U.S. urban areas.

• Why Is Barry Such an A-Hole? — Skip Bayless says Bonds does it to drive himself, going so far as to not "meet the widow and children of a 9/11 victim who were going to be honored before a game. Barry said no, he doesn't break his pre-game routine or concentration for anybody."

• Pedro Martinez Featured on Wheaties Box — Lately he reminds more of fried chicken than wheat flakes, but whatever.

• Top Ten Changes for Madden 2006 — Users weigh in on improvements for next year's game.

• Awesome NBA Video Clips — Some of the greatest highlight moves in history, including Vince Carter's amazing dunk over 7-foot-2 Frederic Weis, a 70-foot alley-oop pass from Jason Williams and Tracy McGrady just abusing Kornel David on a slam. Also see a medley of Carter's performance a the 2000 Slam Dunk contest.

• Gary Sheffield's Top Ten on Letterman — Among the Top Ten New York Yankees Strategies For Winning the World Series: "Never swing at the first pitch and always hit the cutoff man. Or some crap like that."

• MLB Postseason Schedule — Both American League series go Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday, and Saturday and Sunday, if necessary. The ALCS kicks off next Tuesday night.

First Thing's First: Yanks Win Seventh Straight AL East Title

Stop the presses (on those Red Sox "division champs" t-shirts) and start spreading the news: For the 42nd time since 1921 — and seventh year in a row — the Yankees have finished the regular season in first place.

That's just the first step, of course. We celebrate division titles like Bill Gates celebrates bonus checks. But out of 14 American League teams that went out every day from April through September looking to win, we won the most.

If it seems like 11 years ago when MLB playoffs were held without the Yankees, it's because it was. Back in 1993, we had reporters in Waco, Michael Jordan's first retirement, the Lorena Bobbatt trial, the final episode of Cheers, the Blue Jays were unstoppable, Jack McDowell led the led the AL in shutouts, Joe Carter was the game's highest-paid player at $5.5 million, and that asswipe wouldn't let me into Feagan's bar at Syracuse University because I was only 20. What a crappy year.

My, how times have changed. Congratulations to the Yankees for keeping the division title in the family.

Oh, and to all you Yankees-haters who posted comments all summer long about the exaggerated "demise" of the Yankees, choke on a fat one. I never count those chickens, and you shouldn't have either.

Highlight From Thursday's Post-Game Celebration: YES network reporter Suzyn Waldman tried to get a good quote out of Gary Sheffield by asking him, "How does this feel? It's been a long time for you." Yeah, it's been as long for him as it's been for Derek Jeter. The guy was on the Braves' NL East-winning team in 2003.

Other Sports Links:

• SI.com's George: Twins Will Win World Series — In introducing his latest power rankings, Dan George writes, "You heard it here first: The Twins will win the World Series." Uh-huh. Does he really, really think the Twins are the best option to win the World Series, having to go through either (and likely both) the Yankees and Red Sox just to have a 50-50 shot, at best, to beat the NL rep? If the 2004 MLB playoffs were played 20 times, would George pick the Twins to win the most World Series? No. A classic media move — make a bold pick that no one will call you out on if it doesn't work. And if you get lucky, you get to brag. Which is why you preface picks with "You heard it here first."

• John Donovan's Season in Review — SI.com's senior writer reflects on the biggest stories of the year. Strangely, the word steroids does not appear. What does appear, however, is a note that the Mets have the fourth-highest payroll in baseball. But, hey, if you wanna finish ahead of the Expos, it's gonna cost money.

• Fox Pre-Game: Read it and Weep — Not the most intriguing of Phil Mushnick's columns, but ya gotta give the New York Post media critic credit for taking FOX to task when he works for the same company (Newscorp).

• Cashman to the Expos? — Buster Olney on the possibility of the Yankees' GM going to work for the new Washington club, one that hasn't played baseball in 34 years yet still won a World Series (1924) more recently than the Red Sox (1918) or Cubs (1908).

• Madden 2005 Fantasy Draft Advice — An in-depth strategy guide on how to start your new franchise in the ultra-popular football video game. My advice is to load up on linebackers and safeties first, limiting your chances of ever having to play from behind.

• Freddy Sez Home Page — That old super-fan who carries a pan, spoon and colorful, optimistic sign to every Yankees game is online. He's also an Upper West Sider, though I don't think he lives in one of the Trump Place buildings down the block.

• The Greatest NFL Coaches Ever — An ESPN.com Page 2 list. I was surprised to see Bill Walsh as low as No. 6, considering he was not only successful but influential. But when you're comparing multiple-NFL title winners, you're really splitting hairs. A nice, little write-up on how great John Madden was on the sideline. The guy produced big-time.