PaulKatcher.com

Female Celebs and Their Nakedness: A Roundup

The other day I came across a link to a free .pdf version of Madonna's Sex book, and I got to thinking, "Is there a person alive who hasn't seen Madonna naked?" From the September 1985 issue of Playboy (which contained photos taken in 1979) to the Sex book to the movie Body of Evidence to the time she strutted down that fashion runway with her boobs hanging out, we've all seen Madonna naked.

And now as I sit at my computer whilst conducting an online fantasy football draft that will take a few hours, I shall pass the time between picks by placing female celebs into categories based on our want or appreciation of their nakedness.

We're Full, Thanks: Chicks we don't need to see naked anymore.

1. Pamela Anderson — I can't believe Playboy is still putting her on the cover, the most recent being the May 2004 issue. Weren't the first 300 photos and videos with Tommy Lee and Bret Michaels enough? Who's still buying these magazines?

2. Carmen Electra — See above. And thank god there was no video of her and Dennis Rodman.

3. Shannon Tweed — Can't say I didn't enjoy her straight-to-cable work when I was a teen, but how many times can you fake a sex scene before it just turns into comedy?

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The Holy Grail: — Chicks we've never seen naked, no matter how many fake nudes you've seen on the web.

1. Britney Spears — If When she poses for Playboy to rekindle her career, which has never been about music, university computers will overheat.

2. Jessica Alba — Unfortunately, this is less of a certainty. Though it's not like she needs to build an extension on her house for Emmy and Oscar Awards.

3. Jennifer Aniston — Only if Brad Pitt cheats on her. Otherwise, forget it.

4. Stacy Keibler — The persistent mentions of Alyssa Milano on this site aside, the WWE queen and former Baltimore Ravens cheerleader might be my all-time No. 1 babe. (Pictured)

5. Cindy Margolis — Considering she made all her money posting non-nude pics on the Internet, she might be the smartest woman of all time.

6. Elizabeth Hurley — I'm not counting the paparazzi vacation shots. Imagine what Hefner's crew can do with her face and bod.

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Smart Cookies: Chicks who benefitted from their public nakedness.

1. Sable — At least for a time, she had every red-blooded male tuning into WWF's Raw is War on Monday nights. She may have had the highest-selling issue of Playboy up to that point.

2. Sharon Stone — Face it, if she didn't get all freaky in Basic Instinct, she wouldn't have nearly the fame she does now.

3. Shannon Elizabeth — Like she's known for anything beside doing that webcam show in American Pie.

4. Heather Graham — She was Rollergirl in Boogie Nights and um ... um ... some other stuff. I think.

- - -

Put it On! Put it On!: Chicks we regretted seeing naked.

1. Chyna — The fact that Playboy featured her once was bad enough. That it did twice was enough to boycott the brand forever.

2. Tanya Harding — If ya wanna check out the honeymoon video for curiosity's sake, go right ahead. But don't say I didn't warn you.

3. Diane Keaton — I didn't see Something's Gotta Give, but I heard some bad things, man.

- - -

Great Expectations: Chicks whose naked debuts caused big news.

1. Halle Berry — Did anyone even see Swordfish or just view the screen grabs online?

2. Elle MacPherson — Playboy reportedly paid her $25,000 a page for a 10-page spread in its May 1994 issue.

3. Brooke Burke — May have displaced Sable's as the best-selling issue of Playboy Hard to keep track.

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Surprise! Never gave 'em a second thought. Then one day a video leaked and the whole world is searching the Net for it.

1. Paris Hilton — We always knew she wasn't that attractive and that her personality was for crap. Now we know she's nothing special in the sack, either. Not the brightest bulb on the tree, she and that dirtbag filmed a keepsake with nightvision instead of, oh I don't know, turning the lights on.

2. Jenna Lewis — This chick could show a lot of L.A. runaways how to work in front of a camera.

3. Gena Lee Nolin — You know how some of these "leaked" videos are so good that you think the principles released them on purpose? This isn't one of them.

- - -

OK, draft is over. Selecting 10th and 15th and continuing in a 12-team league, I got Edgerrin James, Michael Vick and Brian Westbrook. Took a flier on Byron Leftwich. Thought Mark Brunell could do something with Portis and Coles, whom I do not have. Charlie Garner and Issac Bruce round out some guys who might score 7-9 TDs.

So we're done here, and maybe another time I'll have room to mention Nicole Kidman, Denise Richards, Nicole Eggert, Tara Reid, Charlize Theron, Diane Lane, etc. Long live Hollywood.

Photos: New York From the Hudson River

I could use this space to write about what's on my mind. But I don't want to bitch.

I don't want to bitch about how the Yankees, despite being 81-49 and a satisfying 4 ½ games atop the AL East, have had their starters win exactly one game in their last 15. The remaining schedule is littered with garbage (Orioles, Devil Rays, Royals and Blue Jays), but we can't be calling on Quan-Gord-Mo every damn night just to stay in slugfests. Someone's gotta go out there and deal.

I don't want to bitch about how Hurricane Frances is threatening my trip to the Bahamas on Wednesday. Welcome to Freeport. The local temperature is 91, with winds out of the southeast at 135 mph.

I don't want to bitch about how I just realized that the eight tickets I have to Sox-Yanks on Friday, Sept. 17 conflicts with the Harpoontang live CD recording at American Trash. (Translation: I'll sell 'em for $400 and attend Sunday's game only.)

I don't want to bitch about how scattered thunderstorms threaten the TIME vs. New York Times softball championship I'll be playing in Tuesday. Also known as The Annual Drunkest Night of the Year.

So, I'll throw out some links to photos that caught my eye this weekend.

• I have some shots of the Manhattan skyline and other Hudson River views that I snapped last week aboard The Temptress (owned by Marco Polo Cruises), which comfortably held 360 revelers on the MurphGuide.com 2004 Summer Cruise. One of my goals is to frame a huge collage of NYC shots, and some of these will make the cut.

• Upper West Side neighbor Stephanie Klein's pictures from Venice are terrific. You can also review the pictures I took there in May. I spent just one full day there and enjoyed it more as the day moved along and the ton of group tours moved out. At night, the narrow and dark alleys equally charmed and scared the shit out of me.

• Fotki.com runs some interesting photo contests, including the current one for tattoos. No doubt the best of the bunch is from Gleny.com, a New Jerseyite doing what he does best, smiling broadly in front of a hot ass. Previous contests included Your Best Shot Ever, Winter and Self Portraits.

• A gallery of Britney Spears playing beach volleyball in a bikini. These shots appear to be a year old, as the copyright says 2003 and she doesn't have an ass the size of Dom Deluise. Speaking of 2003 and great bodies, here's a portfolio of the Miss Reef contest in Chile accompanied inexplicably by a cheesy MIDI rendition of We Are the Champions. Online T&A and embedded audio just don't go together. C'mon, people, we all must be one in this.

• Body-painting at Fantasy Fest is a always popular with the shutterbugs. Be careful if you're surfing from work or if you're Catholic. You could get fired or go to hell. Neither is as bad as being a Mets fan these days, but still.

Today's Web Finds:

• MTV Video Music Awards Top-10 Lists — The annual awards show was held Sunday night, not that anyone cared. Anyway, MTV.com has a number of flipbooks recounting the top 10 VMA surprises, performances, uncomfortable moments, etc. Let's hear it for small, grainy screengrabs from a entertainment media empire! My favorite moment was when Madonna kissed both Britney and Christina, and all anyone wanted to talk about was the kiss with Britney. No one even cared that Christina was in the room.

• BrowardHotSpots.com for Sale — The South Floridians are closing up shop, depriving us of weekly bikini contest photos and assorted party shots. Thanks for the mammaries, Alex. The minimum bid is $40,000 on eBay.

• Learn Blackjack Strategy While You Play — You can limit the house advantage if you know what you're doing. This quick and easy game tells you when you've made a bad hit, stick, double or split. Definitely a good warm-up before you hit the casinos, which I will be doing in two days unless the Bahamas are under water.

• Learning Movable Type — A self-described "growing set of tutorials, presented in blog format, aimed at helping beginners to the Movable Type (MT) content management system. These tutorials are geared for those with a good understanding of HTML, a fair understanding of CSS, but who are not necessarily programmers or web designers." Movable Type is what PK.com is run on, by the way.

He Fought the Runs, and the Law Won

We've all done it. Except me.

We've all — except me — been guilty of stuffing up the toilet.

The sheer horror that comes over your face when you see the water rise. The sweat that pours down your neck when you notice that there's no plunger around. The want to jump out the window, especially if you're not in your own home.

(These are things I have heard. I have never actually done this.)

But nobody ever had to hire a lawyer over it. Until now.

Jesse Huffman, a 19-year-old college student from Montana, has been charged with criminal mischief after a Montana border agent accused him of intentionally clogging a toilet.

The highlight of the story — besides the fact that it must've been a really slow news day in Montana for this to reach the wire — is the quote given by Huffman to the AP.

"I've never been arrested before or anything like that, and I get arrested for taking a dump."

Word.

(Thanks, Justin, for the link.)

While We're Talking of Stuffed Toilets: A few years ago, I was having lunch with three friends when one told us he'd stuffed up this girl's toilet at her place after their first date the night before. After we picked ourselves off the floor, he said he was gonna make it up to her on their second date. I said, "Wait, this girl is actually gonna see you again?" He affirmed. I said, "Oh, man, you are definitely marrying this chick. If she put up with that, what could you do to scare her away?" I attended their wedding this past summer. God how I wanted to give the toast.

The Weekend Link Dump:

Sports:

• Neel: Bonds Far and Away the NL MVP — No doubt about it. However you stack it, Barry Bonds is clearly the most valuable player in all of baseball, and has been for four straight years. In roughly half a season of official at-bats, less than 300, Barry had, as of Thursday, 35 home runs, 106 hits, 101 runs scored and 22 doubles, an .813 slugging percentage and an on-base percentage of .612. Sick.

• Whitlock: Americans Hate Dream Team 'Cause They're Black — Interesting take, but I think flawed. Are not American boxers black? Are not most track stars black? Maurice Greene and his Greatest of All Time tattoo aside, I don't think Americans are soured on them. Let's face it, many Americans are sick of a lot of actions that have hurt the NBA's image, the pot-smoking, the entourages, the rampant fathering out of wedlock, the strip-club scandals and rape allegations and brooding over lack of playing time and the Lakers circa 2003-04, and the unfaithfulness of Magic Johnson, Patrick Ewing and Kobe Bryant. And if a lot of these guys happen to be black, then tough. But it ain't the color, it's the culture. Which is why black soccer players, at least to me, seem to be a lot more gentlemanly and sportsmanlike than black NBA players, on the whole. Because it's the culture of their sport and their leagues.

• Nomar Has 'No Idea' If Starter is Left-Handed or Right-Handed — Funny link found on Boston Dirt Dogs pointing out a quote from a Garciaparra Q&A on the Cubs' official site. Nomar talks about he focuses more on himself than the pitcher. When asked if he knew whether that night's starting pitcher was a righty or lefty, he said, "I have no idea."

• College Football's Top 100 — Bruce Feldman ranks the top 100 prospects for next year's NFL Draft. Figure the Giants to get one of the top seven again. Three QBs are among the top nine.

• With Two Men Out, McGreevey Steps Up to the Plate and Saves the Day — After a couple of clowns poked fun at the New Jersey governor on a minor-league scoreboard, they were sacked, but McGreevey said that an apology should be enough and urged their rehiring.

Web Finds:

• A Tribute to Vida Guerra's Ass — A Gorilla Mask photo gallery on the most famous posterior not belonging to J-Lo or Rikishi. And it all started with a simple photo in FHM that caused a flood of reader feedback demanding more.

• Meet Dick Ring — This Tampa radio station bio says Ring "has that facility of turning listeners into friends." It makes no mention, though, of his ability to keep a penis erect when secured to the base. (Link found on Coolio's).

• Alex From BrowardHotSpots.com Hates Embassy Suites — Read his funny tirade on how he was treated after his girlfriend was doused with unidentifiable liquid that emerged from an Embassy Suites room above the street.

• Taking a Closer Look at the Medals of George W. Bush — Just as I suspected, that American Star does appear to be made from a Rolo foil wrapper.

• Video: Throw the Jew Down the Well — Ali G., who is Jewish, tries some anti-Semitic music at a country music joint in the U.S.A. And (shocker!) they're diggin it. Bunch of fart-knockers.

• Tootsie or Theresa Heinz Kerry — Damn if she don't look like Dorothy Michaels.

Let's All Do the Super Bowl Shuffle!

Last week ESPN.com's Page 3 editor asked me if I had any NFL-related ideas for their continuing Sports and Music package. Hmmm, maybe a review of the all-time greatest music performance by an entire team? Speaking, of course, of the Super Bowl Shuffle, the theme song of the 1985 Bears, a team I hated — as my friend Craig at the NFL says of his hatred of the Yankees — with the force of 1,000 suns. I am, after all, a Giants fan.

But after downloading the video off Limewire Pro and watching it about two dozen times, I now love these clowns. I mean, I still want the Bears to lose 12 games for the 10th year in a row, but credit them for even attempting such a stunt, which, nearly two decades later, comes off a lot less cocky than it may have seemed at the time. It was a charitable effort — and a goofy one — and I've gotten so many e-mails from Bears fans sharing their childhood and teen memories about the '85 Bears and how they shuffled at home or at school. That's part of what makes sports great, ya know?

Nowadays you can't watch a video game TV commercial without Ray Lewis screaming at you. Gonna be some great childhood memories coming out of that!

My Super Bowl Shuffle column went live Wednesday afternoon and, as of PK.com press time, it's the most-emailed story of the last 24 hours across the site. Did you know ESPN even had a page monitoring the virility of its content. Just in case Bill Simmons takes the lead with a 3,000-worder on why Dawson's Creek used to be so much better than The O.C., I saved a screenshot of my place at the top.

Some tid-bits not in the column later shared by Bears fans:

• The L.A. in "L.A." Mike Richardson stood for Lazy Ass.
• Steve Fuller called out Atlanta and Dallas in his rap because he subbed for Jim McMahon against those teams. The Bears pitched a shutout in both.

And Now for Today's Sports Ruminations

• I'm running a PK.com NFL pick 'em pool on Yahoo! Sports. Throw your hat into the ring and compete against up to 50 fellow PK.com readers to see who's best against the spread ... and who should stick to picking only his nose. To join, look for league #15536 and enter the password "yanksrule". Free to join, and I'll come up with some season-ending prizes. Everybody in the pool!

• TIME magazine advanced to its third straight Publisher's League softball championship game, beating Lippincott Books, 8-4, on the Great Lawn of Central Park on Wednesday. Yep, that was me batting clean-up (2B, 3B, 2 runs, 2 RBIs in three at-bats) and patrolling left-center field. And if Republican Convention protesters disrupt next Tuesday's title game, I'm gonna hit one of their heads for a homer. And you can read about it in the New York Times. Barring an upset victory by Penguin Books in the other semi-final, that's who we're gonna play in a rematch of last year's championship. We beat them twice this year, both times close, I think. One of our guys led off the bottom of the seventh with a game-tying homer in the first game. Can't remember his name. Runs a website or something. Softball on the Great Lawn — can't beat it.

• Before NBC's telecasts, I knew Carly won and Rulon lost. I knew everything Phelps and Beard did. I knew Hamm won. I knew how the U.S. hoops team performed. I knew Misty May and the chick that doesn't have a porn-star name won. I knew everything. I HATE tape-delayed coverage! The only choice is to not expose yourself to TV, Internet or radio during the day. It's killing me.

• The Yankees suck right now. If you told me in April they'd be 5 1/2 games up in late August, I would have taken it gladly, but they're not playing well. A-Rod can't hit with runners on. The three solid bullpen guys (Quan-Gord-Mo) are overworked. No starting pitcher can throw a gem. El Duque is the friggin' ace. Giambi is out and no one cares. I always thought the Sox had a run in them, so I'm not pissed at that. But we've got to take care of ourselves. And someone has got to go out there and pitch seven innings of one-run ball. Please, fellas.

• All women's sports should be played in swimsuits. Softball, basketball, golf, I don't care. I mean, I could give a crap about diving, swimming and beach volleyball, but damn if I'm not glued to the screen. Even some of the track girls have got it goin' on.

Today's Sports Links:

• Dennis Frey Sr. Memorial Football Survival — A PK.com reader is doing something nice in the name of his recently deceased father. Go and support cancer research by donating at least $5 (but you can do better). And, whatever you do, don't pick the Giants in Week 1.

• Pimpled Poker Faces — Nice job out of ESPN.com to report on how poker — which they've helped elevate to a fad — has caught on with kids too young to be gambling legally.

• How Well Do You Know Yankee Stadium? — I got only 7 out of 10, but jeez, what the hell do I know about papal visits? (Found on Complete and Total Bisch, written by a fellow Yanks die-hard)

• College Basketball Blog — Links and commentary, updated daily, on college hoops. Don't miss the aggregated preseason rankings from a number of sources. Kansas is 1, 2 or 3 everywhere, except one guy has 'em at 12. Vitale has UNC at 1, while someone else has 'em at 14. Wake, Georgia Tech and Duke are the only teams in everyone's top-10. Incredible, considering they play in the same conference. Syracuse is anywhere from 4 to 11. I'll take it.

• Gatlin Wants New, Less Brash Image for Track and Field — Cheers to that. Maurice Greene looked like a punk out there in the 100m final. That ain't what the Olympics is about, man. I like Gary Hall's preening and pre-race routine, but it's more clownish than anything.

• I Wasted Money on This Shit Game! — A thread on EA Sports' own message board, started by a guy who is less then pleased with his Madden 2005 purchase.

Uh-Oh. They're Gonna Have to Boycott Will Ferrell Now

Back in March 2003, American radio stations and country music fans boycotted the Dixie Chicks for speaking out in London against President Bush. WDAF-AM in Kansas City, for example, set trash cans outside its offices for listeners to toss their Dixie Chicks CDs.

I was never sure why. I guess the thinking goes that dissent — even a legal and peaceful protest of war that, for better or worse, has left thousands dead — brings down U.S. morale, extends to the troops and endangers their lives. A wish to actually bring these men and women home, ironic as it seems, was deemed so dangerous as to threaten their own lives, their billions of dollars' worth of high-tech weapons notwithstanding.

Or maybe these folks just don't want to patronize businesses owned by those who oppose their political views. Maybe they poll hardware store owners before opting to buy hammers from them.

FOXNews.com earlier this month reported on how some Americans have chosen to boycott the likes of entertainers Whoopi Goldberg and Linda Ronstadt for their highly publicized critiques of Bush — Goldberg's jokes at a Democratic Party fund-raiser, Ronstadt's in the form of endorsing Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 at a Las Vegas concert.

Then came New York Conservative Party candidate for the U.S. Senate Marilyn O'Grady and her "Boycott the Boss" television commercial, in which she urged Americans to not buy Bruce Springsteen's music because, "He thinks making millions with a song-and-dance routine allows him to tell you how to vote." As if any American had any less allowance to tell someone how to vote than a New York Conservative Party candidate for the U.S. Senate.

And now comes Will Ferrell and his White House West video, a parody of an intellectually challenged President at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. The spot is hosted by America Coming Together, a group whose mission is to get Bush elected out of office. The site also promotes the Vote for Change concert series, which includes such acts as Springsteen, John Mellencamp, James Taylor and Dave Matthews Band.

Again, I'm not exactly sure why the current boycotts are in effect. I can see not wanting to be subjected to political statements at general-audience entertainment performances. But that's not what Goldberg did. Not what Springsteen is doing with "Vote for Change." So maybe Ferrell will be boycotted, too. And Pearl Jam and Taylor and Mellencamp. And maybe Matt Damon, Rob Reiner, Ed Asner, Kevin Bacon and other Hollywood types, who lent their talents to a new series of animated anti-Bush ads.

In other news, Brooks & Dunn head the entertainment lineup for the Republican National Convention. I may not vote in accordance with Kix and Ronnie, but I ain't gonna boycott them. Their music is good, and respect their right to support whomever they want. What would be the alternative? To allow entertainers to think a certain way but limit their right to act upon them? Doesn't sound too American to me.

Other News Links:

• Beer Force One Crashes Into Lake Erie — A plane made entirely out of beer cans crashes just 1.5 seconds into it's maiden voyage. So it lasted longer than Anchorman held my interest. (Thanks, Art)

• Where Are All the Guitar Heroines? — The Washington Post examines why axe masters are all guys. Or maybe they need to check out this site dedicated to the Women of New York City Rock 'n' Roll. Or another titled Girls, Beers, Guitars, which includes an interview with Slunt's Abby Gennet, who rocked my world at a recent KISSNATION performance I attended at Don Hill's. (Thanks again, Art)

• Cheney Surprises GOP Base — The veep distances himself from Bush by saying that he believes that states should be able to make their own decisions on gay marriage. His boss supports a constitutional amendment prohibiting gay marriage.

• Battlegrounds States Poll — The Wall Street Journal posts results of very recent polls in 16 battleground states. John Kerry has a lead in 14 of them, including six that Bush carried in the 2000 election (Florida and Missouri among them). Bush's two leads are in states he won in 2000. Many results are within margin of error, however, so you know it's gonna be a tense election night in November.

• It's Time to Rewrite the Laws of War — Former U.S. Army officer Phillip Carter writes for Slate that 20th-century laws of war should change to reflect 21st-century methods of war.

• Elvis Announcer Dies in Car Crash — The man who coined the phrase "Elvis has left the building" has done just that. Sad that it happened so tragically. He was returning home from an Elvis convention in California.

Every Now and Then I Take a Nice Photo

No real update today as I spent Monday night writing for ESPN.com. Look for my Page 3 feature Wednesday on the 1985 Bears' "Super Bowl Shuffle."

In place of reading, maybe you'd like to peruse some of my photos. The one above is my latest, a rainbow that followed a heavy storm in Bay Head, N.J. this past weekend. It's part of a "Jersey Shore in July" album that contains some photos taken in New York City and others taken in August. But whatever.

A couple of my all-time faves are in this album, including a row of boats at sunset and a view outside my apartment as ominous clouds creep in.

I think my best shot ever, though, is the sailboat in Key West in front of one of the most famous sunsets in the United States. Followed closely by:
• Rain in London
• Kayaks in Key West
• Sleeping polar bear
• BP in Las Vegas
• Canal in Venice
• Union Station in Nashville
• Jeter from afar

The comments section of my Fotki portfolio has turned into a bit of a Greatest Hits area, as people obviously tag the ones that impress them most.

Prints of these photos can be ordered for quite reasonable fees — 8x10s are only $1.99 — though I know the beauty is in the eye of the beholder ... and the photographer.

Meet My Horrid Fantasy Football Team

I've been married to Dolphins RB Travis Minor for less than 24 hours and already it's not working out. Wish I'd known he'd gained 15 yards on 13 carries in two preseason games. I also wish I'd known Cardinals RB Marcel Shipp was out for the season. The again, maybe I should have actually prepared for my first of two fantasy football drafts.

Before I evaluate my "talent," here's some key info on my "high school league," 15 years (or thereabouts) running, which I've won twice and missed the playoffs only once in the past decade — and have never been in the year-end Toilet Bowl, reserved for the truly rank.

1. It's an auction league. Teams start with $260, to allot however they wish. Load up on stars and risk season-crippling injuries or go for depth; it's your choice.

2. It's a keeper league. Teams can up to re-sign seven players they drafted or picked up on waivers last year. High-risk players drafted while injured at last year's draft — Michael Vick ($34) and Chad Pennington ($4) — were solid keepers this season. As were guys who last year began the season as back-ups and are now No. 1 on their respective depth charts — Tim Rattay ($1) , Marc Bulger ($7) and Rudi Johnson ($5). Thanks to my horrible draft performance last year — Rich Gannon, Peerless Price, Charles Rogers, Garrison Hearst — I kept absolutely no one.

3. Teams get two "toppers." Owners may not, without challenge, re-sign players they've had under contract for two straight seasons. But they may sit out those players' auctions and elect to "top" the final bid by $1 in order to retain that player's rights. Teams can exercise a maximum of two toppers per draft, which can be frustrating if, for example, you're me and four of your winning bids were topped Sunday night.

4. It's a deep league. Twelve teams need to start two QBs, three RBs and WRs, two TEs, Ks and DEFs. So 24 QBs are on active lineups every week, distinguishing this league from bogus 10-teamers that start one QB. In the late '90s, I used to write a weekly fantasy football column on AOL (@SportsFan Radio's Gridiron Guru) and used to get this kind of question from such owners: "I have Brett Favre, Steve Young, Dan Marino, Drew Bledsoe and John Elway, but I can start only one. Who would you go with?"

Here's how my unit shapes up, with probable starters in bold.

QUARTERBACKS
• Drew Bledsoe ($25), Eli Manning ($18) and Kurt Warner ($6), Jay Fiedler ($9)
The Skinny: QBs are most prized on our league and, according to CBS SportsLine's cheat sheet, 13 of the top 17 in the league were kept from last year, including Donovan McNabb at $71. The four available QBs in that group and the prices they garnered: Matt Hasselbeck ($67), Aaron Brooks ($59), Trent Green ($61) and Jeff Garcia ($38). Still stinging from paying $67 for Rich Gannon a year ago, I looked to the bargain bin, hoping for a mini Bledsoe resurgence (20 TDs will do) and anything out of the Giants' offense.

RUNNING BACKS
• Tiki Barber ($16), Travis Minor ($16), Jerome Bettis ($9), William Green ($9), Marcel Shipp ($7)
The Skinny: Eight of the top 12 backs were kept, and the ones available went for a pretty penny. LaDainian Tomlinson was the draft's highest-priced player at $73, and Clinton Portis went for $71. Stephen Davis, which SportsLine ranked as the 13th best back and had 1,609 yards from scrimmage and 8 TDs last year, went for $60. I didn't really want Tiki Barber on my team for the 21st straight season, but when his bidding ended at $15, I couldn't use my topper fast enough. He had more yards from scrimmage (1,677) than Davis, albeit only 3 TDs. I didn't know Shipp was out for the season until bidding had stopped and I'd "won," a classic boner move, but my research extended no further than a couple of cheat sheets I printed out two hours before the draft and a magazine I bought in Vegas and opened twice. Minor, Bettis and Green suck. Let's move on.

WIDE RECEIVERS
• Terrell Owens ($41), Peerless Price ($19), Rod Smith ($10), Larry Fitzgerald ($12) and Drew Bennett ($4)
The Skinny: I really like my wide receivers, but who doesn't? Every year it's the deepest position and also the one that can pay off huge on the waiver wire. Is there any better feeling than picking a guy up at 11:59 a.m. and seeing him catch a bomb at 1:12 p.m.? Two minutes into the game, and he's done his work for the week. Owens, who I hate, was a topper. By contrast, Randy Moss went for $56 and Marvin Harrison went for $52. Price ruined me last year, but perhaps a healthy Vick will make a huge difference. Smith should be reliable as always. Fitzgerald I overpaid for like an idiot. And Bennett is the best receiver in the NFL — among white guys. I missed out on Amani Toomer and the chance to let my entire season depend on the Giants' offense.

TIGHT ENDS
• Tony Gonzalez ($19), Jeremy Shockey ($12), Anthony Becht ($3)
The Skinny: Our league is unique in that each of 12 teams must start two TEs a week, and you can really take a hit here if you get don't quality. Making up 12 points a game in this spot is a lot cheaper than doing it at one of the more high-profile positions, so I was happy to spend $31 on a two-TE combo that, hopefully, will combine for between 14-18 TDs and 1,600 yards. Also, with Owens and Shockey, my team will lead the league in dumbest post-game quotes and crass on-field behavior.

KICKERS
• Aaron Elling ($1), Olindo Mare ($1)
The Skinny: I will always remember Syracuse grad Mare for clinching one of my two titles with a 40-yarder late in a Dolphins-Broncos Monday night game. Not as well, however, as I do a another Monday nighter when Jon Gruden accepted a penalty against the Steelers, taking off the board a Martin Gramatica 50-yard field goal that put my team in the Super Bowl. I also had Mike Alstott going, and the Bucs never scored another point. I hate you, Chuckie! Before the draft, I threw back Adam Vinatieri at $3 and ended up with $7 I never used. So one of these kickers could have been Vinatieri, David Akers ($6) or Jeff Wilkins ($6). Did I mention my draft sucked?

DEFENSES
• Panthers ($11), Buccaneers ($5)
Good defenses, sure. But $11 might be a record for any defense, and $16 for two is just stupid. But when you figure I paid $7 for a RB out for the year, $12 on a Cardinals rookie receiver, and ended the draft with $7 I never even used, Carolina was a steal. Now watch 'em such this year. And I have to root for Gruden again. Ugh.

Beat This Caption: Pope John Paul II

"While watching a telecast of the Olympic Games in Athens, Pope John Paul II said he most admired the athletes' ability to dig deep. When asked to predict the gold medal victors in men's basketball, he refrained, stating that even his closeness to god does not ensure that he can pick a winner."

(To beat this caption, post a comment below.)

Yankees.com Conveniently Forgets Spencer's Driving Record

"Spencer back with Yankees," reads a headline on Yankees.com, an official team site that, like most all official team and league sites, might as well be run by a p.r. agency.

An excerpt from the story:

This season, Spencer batted .281 with four home runs and 26 RBIs in 74 games for the New York Mets, but the outfielder was released by the club on Aug. 6.

And that's the only mention of Spencer's tenure with the Mets.

Gee, that's funny. The Mets releasing a decent-fielding part-timer with pretty good hitting stats for only 185 at-bats. Only a dummy wouldn't think there's more to the story. But there isn't more on Yankees.com.

The fact is the Mets unceremoniously dumped Spencer just days after he was arrested for driving drunk at 98 m.p.h. at 3:34 a.m. on Aug. 3. He'd also gotten into a spring training altercation with a pizza delivery man. And they were sick of his shit.

This was not a guy who drove around the block after having one too many at a neighborhood barbecue. This was a guy who was clocked at nearly 100 m.p.h. — dangerous sober or soused — knowing he'd had too much to drink. That's the definition of being reckless with other people's lives.

But Yankees.com doesn't think that providing a reason why Spencer was available is relevant to the news of the day. Or they just don't want you to know.

A disclaimer at the end of the news item reads, "This story was not subject to the approval of Major League Baseball or its clubs." Perhaps, but those writers and editors know what their jobs are.

By comparison, reports on Spencer's signing with the Yankees by the AP and UPI, mention Spencer's arrest earlier this month.

And that's my Phil Mushnick impersonation for the day.

Before the Weekend Link Dump, I wanna get these links out there...

• Bruce Boycotted for Bush Bashing — I don't mind so much if people want to boycott Bruce Springsteen's music because he's participating in an anti-Bush tour. But Conservative Party candidate Marilyn O'Grady is a Grade A dolt. She says, in a "Boycott the Boss" television spot, "He thinks making millions with a song-and-dance routine allows him to tell you how to vote." No, being an American, regardless of money, fame, race or gender, you shit-for-brains, grants him the right to tell anyone how he thinks you should vote. You stupid, stupid twit.

• UConn Men's Hoops Assistant Arrested in Prostitution Sting — Authorities said Clyde Vaughan tried to pay an undercover officer $10 for oral sex. $10! There are one-legged crack whores with HIV and three teeth who wouldn't settle for less than $15.

And now... The Weekend Link Dump:

Sports:

• Patterson Wins All-Around Gold in Women's Gymnastics — I don't feel uneasy at all watching 4-foot-9, 16-year-old girls with sparkle in their hair being swung around by grown men like new brides. Not at all. And I wasn't pissed off to find out on the radio and web how much the U.S. kicked ass in its events Thursday, ruining my TV viewing at night. Not at all.

• Baseball Gives Selig Contract Through 2009 — And it's unanimous, people. Whoever thinks he's not good for baseball just doesn't agree with every single owner, who apparently thinks he's doing just fine for their business. I love people who blast interleague play and the Division Series, then can't get enough of either one at the gate or on television.

• The Legend of Lloyd Still Endures — Before he managed the crappy Pirates and threw fits that would make Lou Piniella blush, Lloyd McClendon was one of the most feared Little League World Series players of all time. (Thanks, Art)

• The Big Show's Big Fall — Ryan Perry watches ESPN's old-school broadcasts and longs for the old days. I can do without the boo-yahs, but it's still the best sports news program around, even if Dream Job made me gag. It was like watching comedians bomb on stage, and that's never comfortable for the audience. USA Today's Rudy Martzke has a lengthy piece on the impact ESPN has made on sports television over its 25-year existence.

Web Finds:

• Build a Better Bush — Make the President look like an assclown, by changing the appearance of his hair, eyes and mouth. As for acting and speaking like an assclown, he's got it covered. (Thanks, Kim)

• Eyes Wide Shut Cast on IMDB.com — I saw this last week, and I think pound-for-pound it has the hottest female cast in movie history. Only we don't really know who those naked angels were wearing masks. So I provide the names so you can search Google Images. (And, of course, pass along anything good you might find.)

• How to Buy a New PC — PC World with some tips before you buy your next porn-surfing super-computer.

• See What You Share on P2P — Visual entries of personal documents found over shared networks. This is why whenever a relatively computer illiterate person says he downloaded Kazaa or something, I gulp and think, God, I really hope you know what you're doing. (By the way, Limewire Pro rocks!)

• 10 Most Overpriced Cities — I don't know how much it costs to live in Jersey City, N.J., but I could have told you with no data that is was too much. Read Ken Goldstein's funny take on why he's broke.

News:

• Albany Is Top Party School in Nation — No arguments from me, from what I've seen. But I'd still rather party at Arizona State or Florida State, where the bodies are a little harder and a little tanner. Or whichever fraternity party Larry Eustachy is hanging out at.

• Martha Told to Hire Tough Lesbians for Prison Protection — It's in the Enquirer, so it must be true. My pick would be Richard Simmons. (Thanks, Larry)

• Edward Kennedy Put on Airline Terrorism Watch List — Supposed to be an error. Yeah, riiiiiiggghhhttt!

New York:

• Restaurant for Cats Opens in New York — I have reservations there next never.

• NYCBP.com's Photo Contest — Submit pics of crazy happenings at NYC bars and win a complete second season of The Man Show on DVD.

• Clublife: A Bouncer's Blog — An online journal of the nightly nonsense endured by a bouncer at two of New York's most popular nightclubs.

The Official Free PK.com T-Shirt Order Form

UPDATE: UNLESS YOU RECEIVED AN E-MAIL FROM ME SAYING I'M HOLDING A SHIRT ORDER FOR YOU, I CANNOT FULFILL ANY MORE REQUESTS.

I THOUGHT 130 MIGHT BE ENOUGH, BUT ALAS IT'S NOT. IF THERE ARE PEOPLE WILLING TO PAY FOR THEM, I CAN SET UP A CAFEPRESS SHOP, BUT THE FREE SHIRT OFFER HAS UNFORTUNATELY ENDED.

Thanks to everyone who shared their thoughts on the free t-shirt options. Now's your chance to get one.

In order to alleviate risk on getting stuck with sizes and styles nobody wants, I'm going to collect your orders for the next week, then have them printed up by CustomInk.com. My budget is $1,000 and I should get about 130 shirts out of that. That should be about what I'll need.

One shirt per person, though you may order more than one if you're including a boyfriend, girlfriend or any random chick with big hooters.

HERE'S HOW TO GET YOUR SHIRT

Send an e-mail to paul@paulkatcher.com with the following:

1. Style: There are two men's options (white/black ringer and plain 'ol gray) and two women's options (white/black girly cap and gray tank). Photos of all styles are below. If you can't figure out which is which, kill yourself. (A closer look at the logo.)

2. Size: I have been told by CustomInk.com that these shirts shrink one size upon initial wash. If you do not wash your clothes, you have nothing to worry about. If you happen to do laundry every few months, select one size larger than you normally wear. Available men's sizes are: S, M, L, XL, XXL for both shirts and XXXL, XXXXL for the gray shirt only. Available women's sizes are S, M, L, XL for both shirts.

3. Your Mailing Address: I will not stalk you. I already have Alyssa Milano for that.

4. General Comment About How Great I Am: This will ensure swiftest delivery.

Olympic Events We Really Need to See

First I'd like to thank everyone for the comments on the free PK.com t-shirts. One of the most-commented posts in this site's history, I'm wondering if you people would line up around the block for a kick in the nuts if I gave them out for free. I hope whatever I get (100 or so) will be enough.

I've watched 5.8 minutes of the 2004 Olympics, and the reason is simple: not enough Amanda Beard. But aside from that — and the fact I thought she was hot when she was 18 in Sydney (and I hope not 14 at the Atlanta Games; can't really remember) — there's just not enough compelling events for me to get into. For these reasons I offer up some alternatives:

Wet T-Shirt Contest
This one is obvious. Everyone loves them, even the females who enter them only because they're too drunk to realize every friggin' guy in the audience has a camera. Think about the possibilities for America, what with the talent in Dallas, South Florida and Vegas, and the boon it would mean to the Olympic trials held at local bars. I would have only two rules: no fake breasts and, of course, skin to win!

Eating Contests
Hot dogs, hard-boiled eggs, I don't care. Would you rather watch this or synchronized diving? You, me and 99% of the TV audience would definitely go for the stomach packers. And think of how cool it would be for the winner to puke on the medal stand.

Men's Softball
The women are fine to watch, if you enjoy 1-0 games played by a bunch of refrigerators. Instead, I say we juice up the car mechanics from such blue-collar towns as Pittsburgh, Columbus and Detroit. Watch those mothers crank 'em over the fence and maybe make a few third basemen sterile along the way. Blue dots only!

Jeopardy! Trivia
An easy gold for the U.S., as we'll just ship Ken Jennings overseas. We'd ask questions in English, of course, because the Olympics is all about America, even in Greece. Love it or leave it, Nigerians!

Useless Knowledge of NBA Trivia
If we can't win the gold on the court, we'll send ESPN.com's Bill Simmons to name the assistant coaches in the arena when Kiki Vandeweghe made his most magnificent no-look pass in 1984. Remember, this is someone who once wrote about 1,000 words on Sleepy Floyd's greatest playoff performance. Let's see some guy from Puerto Rico top that.

Ass-Pulling
We send Baio, Timberlake, Clooney, Simmons and Hefner and we'll see who comes home titled the Dream Team. Jeter comes off the bench, along with Pitt and Cruise. You can hear Dick Vitale screaming now: "It's an N.C.er, baby. A no contest! And, by the way, I love Duke!"

Battle of the Bands
If it's good enough for high school, it's good enough for the Olympics. Who's up for some Zeppelin?

Madden Tournaments
Pick up some foreign-language curses when the Spaniards, French and Kazakhstanis lose fumbles on punt returns, which seems to happen in the new Madden game something like every 1.2 attempts. I'm thinking the game developers made the adjustment to see how many controllers the U.S. population could break in the month of August. Right now I'm at 3.

Men's Golf
One of the most international sports there is, and there's no Olympic event for individuals or teams? Let me guess as to why. Two seconds, one second ... not enough money!

OK, campers, post your own alternative Olympic events.

Olympics & Sports Links:

• Ban the Iranians — Now! — A New York Post editorial on Iran's Arash Mir Esmaili refusal to battle Israel's Ehud Vaks in the judo competition.

• Empty Olympic Stadiums Set Off Alarm Bells — Apparently, near-empty stadiums are nothing new to the Games. I can't see that happening in New York, and I can't even tell you what the deal is. Security? No one's that big of a pussy, are they? Are they? I wish I was there right now. Kinda kicking myself for not even thinking about going.

• Peter King's Top 15 QBs — If Mark Brunell is among the top half QBs in the league, and Rich Gannon is not, then I'm King Tut. Oh, and if Jake Plummer is better than Culpepper, McNabb, Pennington and Vick, then I'm the Pope's illegitimate gay brother. No way on god's green earth does a GM take Plummer over any of those guys.

• The Ultimate Video Game Football Team — Ryan Perry's review of the best virtual players. For my money, it's all about Bo Jackson and LT from the Tecmo Bowl days. Bo was ridiculous. If you didn't pick his one running play on defense every time you lost. And LT would just block every kick imaginable. From what I understand, all the best Madden 2004 players used the Falcons and Michael Vick. God knows I had a guy come back from 28 down with that team, and I couldn't stop shit.

• Vito's View — My boy Vito Forlenza's takes on the world of sports for Comcast.net. I knew Vito when he was just a pup, slaving (not really) for me at FOXSports.com, fresh out of Penn State. After his car was stolen on his first commute into NYC, you just knew it could only go up. Good luck, brother.

• Bill Curry's Big East Football Preview — The ESPN analyst says West Virginia will take the title and he wouldn't be surprised if UConn won it. As as Syracuse alum, you can just shoot me now. Did you know we went 10-2 in both my sophomore and junior seasons, beating the likes of Ohio State and Colorado in bowl games? And let's not forget the Donovan McNabb era, which led to consecutive berths in the Fiesta Bowl and Orange Bowl. Last two seasons: 10-14. Arrrrrggghhhhh!

• New Drug Charge Filed Against Jamal Lewis — Ya know, these drug cases backed by government informants aren't at all like rape cases, where only two people know what happened and there's often no physical evidence. This one's either going down or someone will squirm through a loophole. Unless Lewis didn't call the informant and ask her to sell his friend a kilogram of cocaine, as is the claim.

More Feedback, Please, on the Free (To You) T-Shirts

OK, here's what I'm thinking for men's and women's styles. Before I invest the dough, I need to know a few things:

1. How do they look?
2. What sizes would you want?
3. Are there any other t-shirt styles at customink.com you'd rather have?

Again, I'll have them printed and shipped out free of charge to you. You just have to wear them, preferably at Yankees games.

Need Some Advice Ordering T-Shirts

Awhile back, I commissioned a custom logo from the Gigglechick so I could print up t-shirts and mail 'em out for free to anyone who wants 'em.

Can anyone recommend a good service? I don't mean a place where I can sell 'em and simply get a cut. I just want to buy 'em cheap and mail 'em out free.

Leave a comment or e-mail paul@paulkatcher.com.

Great Parties in Movies History

Let there be no doubt that man's will to drink for free will overcome the forces of Mother Nature every time. This past Saturday was our annual Shore house party, relatively sparsley attended because it rained all god damn day, but we still managed to go through five kegs, 270 margaritas and countless shots off a 300-pound ice block. Early on we feared nobody would show. Then outta nowhere it kicked into gear, just like when the Omega Mus showed up at the Revenge of the Nerds bash.

It was something right out of the movies, so I got to thinking: What are the best parties in cinematic history? Here's what I came up with:

Sixteen Candles
Highlights: The Donger ends up in the tree. (And, no, he's not retarded.) I think Farmer Ted woke up under a coffee table. Like, who hasn't?

Back to School
Highlights: Oingo Boingo performing Dead Man's Party. Thornton asking poety majors to straighten out his Longfellow.

Revenge of the Nerds
Highlights: Wonderjoints. The Mus. Dudley's ass-grabbing. Are You Ready for the Sex Girls?

Old School
Highlights: Snoop Dogg. Streaking. "Do it again. Do it again. It tastes so good when it hits your lips."

Animal House
Highlights: Marion Wormer crashing the party. The mayor's passed-out, teen-aged daughter being returned home in a shopping cart.

Bachelor Party
Highlights: Chicks and guns and fire trucks and hookers and drugs and booze. Adrian Zmed saying he wants a woman he can really respect, then following up with, "Look at the cans on that bimbo!"

Trading Places
Highlights: People putting butts out on Bill Ray's Persian rug.

American Pie
Highlights: Stiffler's mom. Stiffler drinking a cup of spunk. Bitches!

Karate Kid
Highlights: Daniel running out of the Halloween party after turning a hose on a Cobra Kai in the crapper, then getting his brains bashed in by the chain-link fence.

Can't Buy Me Love
Highlights: The debut of the new Ronald Miller.

My New Favorite Olympic Sport

Two questions from the Olympics so far:

1. How does a basketball team with LeBron James and Carmelo Anthony coming off the bench get crushed by one with a starting five of Ortiz, Arroyo, Ayuso, Hourruitinier and Santiago?

2. How stoked is an AP photographer who gets assigned the women's beach volleyball event?

Prices Lowered on the Labor Day Bahamas Trip

Jason at Vanity Events, Inc. has lowered prices for PK.com readers to attend the Circuit Girls in Paradise swimwear calendar search pageant. Round-trip airfare from Ft. Lauderdale to the Bahamas and 2-4 nights at the Crowne Plaza Golf Resort & Casino for only:

$249 for 3 days/2 nights
$299 for 4 days/3 nights
$329 for 5 days/4 nights

Prices are for double accommodations. Spend a few days and nights in the Bahamas golfing, gambling an goofing. Sure beats working.

Call 954-804-3069 to book your trip. Tell 'em you heard about the deal here.

Photos from last year's event.

And now for a weekend link-dump.

Sports:

• Cracksmokers of Florida State University — Just in time for college football season, a healthy list of wrong-doings by Seminoles players. (Slow load, of course.)

• Bill Simmons' Links of the Week — Well, they're not really all sports, but what do you expect? Some good finds in there, including Lacey Underall's Caddyshack reunion golf tournament.

• Sports Illustrated's College Football Preview — Not a lot of change at the top, with USC, Oklahoma, LSU, Georgia and Miami in the top 5. Texas is No. 6, where I think they've finished for 10 years in a row. And I didn't think I'd ever see the day where West Virginia ranked ahead of Nebraska. Are those teams really even on a neutral field?

• Mushnick: Too Candid on Camera — The New York Post grouch says Mets analyst Keith Hernandez "captured the sell-everything absurdity of modern sports television in a single moment" on Wednesday night.

• Owens' Comments Are Ugly, But Lack of Reaction from Eagles, NFL is Bad — SI.com's Josh Elliott on Terrell Owens' latest act of stupidity, a veiled outing of 49ers QB Jeff Garcia as gay in an interview with Playboy. Still can't figure out why people care what one of the most disrespectful people in sports thinks.

Web Finds:

• George Bush Soundboard — My favorites: "9/11 was so good," "Of of of," "Heh heh heh" and "Cause of fascism."

• How to Throw a Christian Bachelorette Party — Oh, if only this were a parody.

• NJGuido.com — Can't believe I haven't yet linked to these guys this summer. The most "friends forever" photos you'll ever find on a website. Also the most pics of shirtless, gold-chain-wearin' guys wearing sunglasses indoors.

• Bush's Rugby Punch — A great find from Bush's college days, found at SportsByBrooks.com

• Get Your War On — The latest from the greatest political comic strip around. "We owe the Iraqis nothing. We've given them their first taste of freedom in decades. we did a good thing, and they should thank us even if it, um, kills them."

• Chyna/X-Pac Sex Tape News — Apparently, there's a sex tape out there involving the ugliest female wrestler and the ugliest male wrestler ever. If Stacy Keibler had been in it, I would have burned through my Ethernet cable trying to find it. Is it is, I think I'd rather just read about this one.

• Playboy.com Pays Homage to ESPN's 25th Anniversary — Re-read past Playboy interviews with ESPN personalities Chris Berman (2/94), Dick Vitale (3/96), Joe Morgan (10/99) and Dan Patrick (1/02). Talk about some wild and crazy playboys there. Those guys really light up the gossip pages, huh?

• 100 Greatest Guitar Solos — November Rain comes in at No. 6, which brings up a good question. Is that the most unintentionally funny video of all-time. They tried to be all serious and shit, and we know they were a bunch of clowns who couldn't stay sober enough to give a decent live performance ... to anyone. Seriously, is there a person alive who's been to a GNR concert and didn't think it absolutely sucked, and that the band hated you for showing up and making them (try to) perform?

• Women's Top 10 Sexual Fantasies — Besides being with me, women's most-often-cited fantasies include group sex, dominance and being with other women. So if any chicks wanna bring over another women and dominate her when I play Madden 2005, you might find my couches to be quite comfortable, what with the reclining ends and all.

News:

• Chappelle Inks $50 Million Comedy Central Deal — Tequila Dave, are you noting this? Let's get that Rockin' Happy Hour show off the ground NOW!

• Chords for Change — Bruce Springsteen's op-ed in the Aug. 5 New York Times on why he'll be performing under the umbrella of a new group called Vote for Change.

• Cosmo Pulled From Shelves for Offending Oral Sex Tagline — I usually think stores go too far in protecting themselves from conservative backlash, but I think Woolworth stores in Australia were right to not want to prominently display "Oral-Sex Lessons" near their check-out counters. That kind of stuff should really be near the back, where the check-out girls take their breaks.

• Subway Rider Arrested for Eating Candy — Crime doesn't pay, but is polishing off a PayDay bar a crime? It is if you're a cop using power to compensate for a small wee wee.

• Pat Stack on Jersey Governor McGreevey — My friend makes some great points on how the media is covering the story, focusing on the gay part over the extra-marital part.

Review: Madden 2005 Classic for Playstation 2

Today is a national holiday of sorts at PK.com world headquarters, as Aug. 12 marks the official release date of Madden 2005. I received an advance copy of the PS2 "classic" edition from EA Sports this week and wrote a primer for ESPN.com's Page 3, covering some of the game's new features and team/player ratings.

There are two ways to look at this game. On its own and as the latest installment of a series. Viewed individually, it's probably the greatest sports game ever produced, as was the 2004 version and many of its previous editions. For some, the main question with series installments, Is it worth buying if I already have last year's title? And that is contingent on whether you absolutely must have this year's updated rosters and/or want to play online.

There are some new features, but nothing too compelling. The most-hyped is the Hit Stick, which is an analog-stick feature that allows you to deliver crushing blows that supposedly can "change the complexion of a game." That's not gonna sell a $50 game on its own, but what significant improvements can you expect from a game that's so advanced that you can play the 1985 Bears against the 1958 Giants, have you be the new Dolphins running back, cash in a number of cheat cards, and alter any receiver's routes at the line of scrimmage?

No game's developers get more feedback than Madden's, and they addressed some concerns about it being too easy to score, as well as the propensity for online players to "cheese" if not altogether make the experience miserable. Games against my friends have been lower-scoring than last year — and we really didn't mess too much with the Playmaker mode for individual defenders. The Play Now online matchup feature can now be set find an opponent with a desired ranking and quit rate, hopefully saving some frustration there.

A lot of the game hasn't changed, including the commentary from John Madden and Al Michaels. That's a bit of a disappointment, as it wouldn't have affected game play at all. And hearing how "third down is a keeper stat" for the millionth time gets a little tiring.

PS2 users have the option of paying an extra $10 ($59.95) for a "classic" edition, which includes some versions of Madden of the 15-year history of the franchise. I played an old version from my early '90s college days, then quit after four plays, because it was a lot less fun than I remembering it being in a dorm room full of drunks at 3 a.m. My favorite part of the classic edition is Madden Moments, where users are presented with famous scenarios to either replicate or change history. One of them is getting the Bills in position to kick a game-winning field-goal in Super Bowl XXV. I'll probably kick it right 10 times before I unlock that scenario to get to the next.

Play Me Online: The name to add to your EA buddy list is "Paul Katcher." You can also shoot me an e-mail at paul@paulkatcher.com or hit me up on AOL instant messenger at PaulKatcherCom to set up a game. Now sure who my team's gonna be this year. Last year I used the Packers, and now I'll have to find an equally talented substitute for the crappy Giants.

In Five Words or Less: Once Again, The Best

Madden 2005 Links:

• Official EA Sports Site — Learn about all the new features in the game.

• 10 Rules of Madden Etiquette — A fellow Page 3 writer on how to show some respect for your opponent.

• Individual Player Ratings — I made a list of the 97s and up in my Page 3 piece, but this site has them all, broken down by team. Unfortunately, they're not sortable stats, so you can't easily survey who are the fastest or strongest players in the game.

• Metacritic.com's Madden 2005 Page — A aggregation of all mainstream reviews. Not surprisingly, the game gets a 94 out of 100 overall, and no reviewers score it less than a 90, which is simply 4½ stars out of 5.

• Sega's Madden Challenge — Motley Fool on Sega's attempt to take away some of EA Sports' market share in the football gaming department by offering ESPN NFL 2K5 — by all accounts a comparable game — for only $19.95.

• Madden 2005 vs. NFL 2K5 — Tennesseean.com does a good job comparing the two titles in a number of categories.

• Madden Strategy Discussion Board — A great forum filled with people sharing tips on improving their games and defeating the cheesers.

• PS2rosters.com — I believe this site offers a service where you can mail in your memory card and have it returned with all the old rosters set up with real names instead of phony numbers. Check it out.

A Couple More Pics From Vegas

I'm working on a Madden 2005 review, so no post today. Here are two of the best $6 shots of water and Hi-C I've ever had.

Review: Las Vegas Weekend

Well, I finally made it to Vegas. Even more impressive, I made it back. I feel like I didn't do 1/100th of what I could have. I think it has something to do with alcohol and gambling both being addicting, but there's always next time. (This report sucks, BTW. Just warning you.)

Here are the pictures.

Day-by-day, here's the Cliffs Notes version:

Thursday, Aug. 5
Arrived at the Hilton at 3 p.m., hung at the pool bar for a couple of drinks, wondered what the hell all these kids were doing here, thought it best not to kill them yet, lost some cash playing roulette and blackjack, met some friends at the Hard Rock for drinks and more blackjack, ran into a few bachelorette parties, played cards next to a MILF from Vail, left at 2 a.m. to rest up for an early day at the Hard Rock pool, played blackjack and drank till 4 a.m. at the Hilton, went to sleep down $250 at the tables.

Friday, Aug. 6
Let's just run down what I had to drink this day, in order, from noon to 5 a.m.:

• 2 beers at the Hard Rock pool
• 3 beers inside at a Hard Rock BJ table
• 1 beer at the outdoor bar
• 3 beers at the swim-up blackjack table
• 2 beers at the Hard Rock pool (again)
• 2 beers at the Hilton pool
• 1 beer with dinner at Rum Jungle at Mandalay Bay
• 2 beers at the Double Down Saloon
• 2 cranberry and vodkas at Rum Jungle
• 3 shots at Rum Jungle
• 3 beers at a Hilton BJ table

Twenty-four drinks in 17 hours at eight different places. My liver is going to sue for personal injury.

Lost only $50 at the tables.

Saturday, Aug. 7
Bummed around the Hilton most of the day while some of the crew golfed in 104-degree weather, hit the Strip with my roommate and finally got some good pictures, ate at Battista's Hole in the Wall Italian restaurant, went to Venician, Bellagio, Paris, New York New York, Bally's, saw lines for everything (restaurants, clubs, bars), came back to Hilton at 3 a.m. and had an awesome time playing blackjack with a group of strangers till 7:30 a.m.

Broke even at the tables.

Sunday, Aug. 8
Checked out at noon, needed to kill a few hours so was forced to play blackjack next to some real losers, upgraded to first-class on the return flight (only $150 more and I needed to rest), tried to stay sober, ran into some fun people at the FOX Sports airport bar which made that impossible, returned to my apartment at 3 a.m.

Lost $190 at the tables, which I didn't even want to play, but had to wait for the flight.

Now topic-by-topic:

The Hilton: I stayed there because my flight was already $380, having booked it late. So three nights for $200 at a reputable chain seemed like a good deal, and it was. The Hard Rock, by contrast, was something like $349 a night. So much for Vegas being a cheap town. But the Hilton was hardly a happening spot. It's a ham-and-egger joint, for low-rollers and the tragically un-hip. Some were absolute freaks, but I met some nice people, and the staff was great, even if the cocktail waitresses all had old, saggy boobs. The pool scene sucked. Tons of kids making background noise all day, and the usually empty bar had two TVs showing a Hilton logo all weekend. Inside, it wasn't much better. Best option: gamble.

The Hard Rock:
A few of my friends stayed there, and it was awesome. Probably the best hotel party spot, especially during the day at the pool, at which I spent Friday afternoon. Ice-T was there, but I didn't notice him, only the blonde hoochie on his arm, sporting a thong and enormous fake breasts. A couple of NBA guys were there, including one with an "In Bickerstaff We Trust" tattoo. Not sure who he was. The day started out as huge sausagefest. At one point, I counted 24 guys and one girl in the center of the pool. I was afraid to go in, for fear of swimming into a dick. Later, the ratio got better, and the swim-up blackjack table was a blast. Drinking free beers, gambling sandwiched between chicks and winning $150 is always gonna be a blast, I guess. One unattractive clown who'd just gotten to the pool asked a group of bachelorette party chicks to rub lotion on his back. He said it without the slightest bit of charm or jest. They passed.

By 7 p.m., I'd been wasted for hours and had forgotten to eat. Absolutely did not cross my mind. Still doesn't top the morning after Block Party 1992 at Syracuse University when I woke up hungrier than any point in my life because I'd forgotten to eat for an entire day.

The Chicks:
There was a lot of eye-candy, mostly depending on where you go. Pound-for-pound, the Hard Rock and Mandalay Bay were the best. The Bellagio wasn't bad, either. Said one blackjack dealer to us, pointing the direction of a hottie, "I'd cheat for her." But most had rings or boyfriends on their arms. Another clear signal that New Yorkers stay single much later in life than around the country. I met a 32-year-old with three kids. One year older than me, and her life couldn't be more different.

A couple of my friends were approached by hookers. I don't even know if I saw any, though taxi drivers asked every night if I was interested. They get referral fees, probably between $50 and $100, for passing along customers.

Vegas in General:
One thing that stuck out for me was how unnatural the place is. Meaning, it's a city that's totally been invented and could almost pack up and relocate elsewhere. Not a bad thing, but just a distinction that makes it different from other party spots I've visited: South Beach, Key West, Amsterdam, New Orleans, Montreal, etc.

The best part about Vegas, like New York, is that you say "when." Total freedom to do whatever you want whenever you want to do it. If that ain't living, I don't know what is.

Highlights:
• I should've gone to bed at 5 a.m. Sunday morning, up $200 at one of the Hilton's $10 blackjack tables, but five strangers and I were having too much fun. We were clownin', yelling and screaming over $15 wins, drinking our asses off, giving each other nicknames, relishing in just being a bunch of goofs as sunrise neared. Then came the kiss of death: a female Asian dealer. When god handed out personalities, he skipped over these gals. Not a smile, not a zinger, not a hint of a strategy tip for newbie players clearly are sweating out 4s and 3s and such. This one particular lady cleaned out a couple of our crew, doing so devoid of any personality that would want them to continue playing. One spilled a drink all over the table, drawing her ire. It was like a record skipping, the end of the great party, though a few of us did move to another table for a couple more hours, which is when the Minnesota girls had to leave for their flight. I was able to get in three good hours of sleep before my roommate checked out.

• The priceless look a friend and I gave each other when some sea hag sat next to us to play blackjack at the Bellagio. A minute earlier we had been pointing out the hotties on the floor, thinking one might wanna play a game or two. We busted.

• No less than three dealers complimented my $115 Fossil watch, which was pretty flattering in a town where people overspend just to impress.

• The Yankees went 4-0 while I was away. It's been going that way all year. And I didn't even make a dime on it. The sports book was too depressing to sit and watch, and the odds were so in New York's favor that I didn't see the point in betting on a game I wasn't gonna see. Some Sox fans were at the Hilton pool and wanted their pictures taken with seven half-yards. Before I snapped the shot, I quipped, "Say 'Go Yankees.'"

Lowlights:
• The weather (hotter than Satan's nuts), the lines (skipped every place that had one), the overwhelming feeling that it's a city of access — who you know, how much money you spend, how you look. I guess that's life, but it's not a game I feel like playing.

Sports Future Bets Placed:
• $10 on Tiger Woods to win the PGA Championship (7/1)
• $20 on the Yankees to win the World Series (9/5)
• $20 on the Chargers to win more than 4 1/2 games this season (-115)
• $10 on the Giants to win more than 6 games this season (-145)
• $10 on the Chiefs to win the Super Bowl (14/1)
• $10 on the Falcons to win the Super Bowl (22/1)

Makin' Like the Griswolds (Again). Vegas, Baby

It was only a few short months ago when I re-enacted National Lampoon's European Vacation, and now I'm about to follow in the footsteps of Clark and Ellen, Rusty and Audrey once again. Me and eight compadres are hitting the Las Vegas Strip strip through the weekend, and here's my itinerary...

1. Somehow get to the Hard Rock pool. (Live Web cam.) Apparently, they welcome local strippers to sunbathe there. Which is really gonna be annoying, since I'll be going just for the underwater music and pool-side gaming.
2. Try not to be surrounded by 20 guys at all times. I'm not holding my breath. Everything points to a New Orleans-like experience, but people assure me otherwise.
3. Bet $50 on the Yanks to win an individual game. Bet $100 on the Yanks to win the World Series. Invest $20 in a 15-1 Super Bowl darkhorse. Lay $200 that a Red Sox fan kills himself before the end of the season. (Heaven is being at a sports bar after helping two different softball teams win, seeing the Red Sox blow a late, three-run lead by leaving in a starter with the bases loaded and nobody out, and seeing the Yanks steal victory from the jaws of defeat with a ninth-inning, two-run homer and an 11th-inning game-winning homer from an incredible 1-2 punch of Gary Sheffield and Alex Rodriguez.)
4. Kick serious ass in blackjack. Have Don Mattingly come through for me at the roulette table.
5. Run into Tara Reid flashing her new breasts.
6. Set a record for most bacon eaten at a breakfast buffet.
7. Take hundreds of photos.
8. Laugh at the faux Venetian canals after seeing the real ones in May.
9. Don't think in the batter's box; just swing. Leave nothing in the tank. Have no regrets. (Fill in your own cliché.)
10. Don't die.

And now, the greatest movie quote ever related to Las Vegas. Presenting Hyman Roth in The Godfather Part II:

There was a kid I grew up with, he was younger than me. Sort of hooked up with me, you know. We did our first work together, worked our way out of the street. Things were good, we made the most of it. During Prohibition we ran molasses into Canada, made a fortune, your father too. As much as anyone I loved him and trusted him. Later on he had an idea to build a city out of a desert stopover for GIs on their way to the West Coast. That kid's name was Moe Green. And the city he invented was Las Vegas. This was a great man — a man of vision and guts. And there isn't even a PLAQUE, or a SIGNPOST, or a STATUE of him in that town. Someone put a bullet through his eye. No one knows who gave the order. When I heard it, I wasn't angry. I knew Moe; I knew he was headstrong — talking loud, saying stupid things. So when he turned up dead, I let it go. And I said to myself, this is the business we've chosen! I didn't ask who gave the order, BECAUSE IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH BUSINESS! That two million in the bag in your room. I'm going in, take a nap. When I wake, if the money's on the table, I'll know I have a partner. If it isn't, I know I don't.

FHM Catches Up With the Coolest Nerds Ever

"This is bullshit. Pan down. I want bush."

Nope, it's not a TV director's command at a White House press conference. It's none other than Dudley "Booger" Dawson ordering a better voyeuristic view of the Pi Delta Pi sorority's finest.

In its August 2004 issue, FHM reunites much of the Revenge of the Nerds cast 20 years after the movie's release. And what a movie it was.

Known best for being a work so great even Ted McGinley couldn't screw it up — like he did Happy Days, Love Boat and Married ... With Children — Nerds taught us that a frush doesn't beat a pair of sixes, that nothing kicks a frat bash into gear like spinning Are You Ready For The Sex Girls? by Gleaming Spires, and that those Mus sure can party.

FHM's retro feature isn't nearly as great online as it is in the magazine, which includes updated photos of Betty Childs, Ogre, Takashi and more, but it does share with surfers some things you did not know about the movie. Such as the fact that Curtis Armstrong accepted the role of Booger only because he needed the money. And all this time I thought it was because he loved to pick his nose on camera.

Memorable Quotes From Revenge of the Nerds:

Poindexter: Wait. Wait. Would you rather live in the ascendency of a society or in its decline?
Omega Mu Girl: Poindexter, are we going to fuck, or what?

Takashi: Hair pie? [Takes picture.] Sank you. Hair pie? [Takes picture] Sank you.

Coach Harris: Enough of the social bullshit. Grab a cot. Move it or lose it!

Gilbert: She's not that kind of girl, Booger.
Booger: Why? Does she have a penis?

Louis: There's 6,127 students at Adams, 58% of which are girls.
Gilbert: So?
Louis: So, that's 7,107.32 boobs.

Booger: Do you have a room to rent?
Mr. Stewart: No for rent.
Booger: I thought it was for rent.
Mr. Stewart: Fuck off.

Stan Gable: What are you looking at, nerd?
Booger: I thought I was looking at my mother's old douche-bag, but that's in Ohio.

Judy: Maybe we should eat?
Harold Wormser: Maybe we should watch TV?
Booger: Hey guys... [opens his leather jacket to reveal some marijuana cigarettes] ... wonder joints.

Takashi: Maybe we should have robster craws.
Booger: [Strumming his guitar.] What the fuck are robster craws?

Louis: Have any of you guys got dates for Saturday night besides Gilbert?
Lamar: I have.
Booger: Yeah, but that's with a guy.
Louis: Well, what about you Booger?
Booger: Hey, I've been out combing the high schools all day.

By the way, if you don't know at least a few lines from the movie-ending rap, you're not allowed in my apartment. Here's the entire diddy:

Clap your hands everybody, and everybody clap your hands!

We're Lambda Lambda Lambda and Omega Mu
We come here on stage tonight to do a show for you

We've got a rockin' rhythm and a high tech sound
That'll make you move your body down to the ground

We've got Poindexter on the violin
And Louis and Gilbert will be joinin' in

We've got Booger Presley on a mean guitar
And a rap by little old me Lamar

We've got Takashi beating on his gong
The boys and the Mus are clapping along

And just when you thought you'd seen it all
Along comes a Lambda four feet tall

So Wormser come on out here on the floor
So we can move our bodies like never before

Breeeeaaaakkk!

Other Web Finds:

• X-Entertainment.com's '80s Commercials — Not only does this retro page feature the seared dog meat known as Mighty Dog, but there's also a downloadable video of Roddy Piper going nuts in a spot for the WWF. Ya gotta check it out. Favorite Piper quote ever, of course, came in the movie They Live. "I came to kick ass and chew bubble gum. And I'm all out of bubble gum." I use that maybe once a month in some situation or another.

• The 500 Coolest Chicks Ever — A lot of sci-fi crap in there, but a well-put-together ranking that includes some good writing and decent pics.

• Mark Cuban Bets Against Google — The Mavericks owner details a new search engine, Ice Rocket, which he's "working with." So far I'm not overly impressed.

• Police Academy Figurines — I saw a bit of the classic flick Tuesday, and I realized you really don't catch all the jokes till about the 1,564th viewing. I loved all the Tackleberry dialogue ("If you want penetration..."). And the shower singing. "Captain Mauser. Yowsa, yowsa, yowsa!"

• Hollywood Height Chart — Best actor inch-for-inch? Dustin Hoffman at 5-5½. Most ass for a midget? Prince at 5-3. Fight I wanna see? Lurch (Ted Cassidy; 6-9) vs. Bull (Richard Moll; 6-8).

• Photos: Last Night for Village Idiot — Not my pics, but from someone who braved the crowd to say goodbye to one of NYC's most-beloved dive bars.

• Ol' 96-er Cheeseburger — A six-pound burger offered by a restaurant in Pennsylvania. Patrons get three hours to finish and no one has done it. Included in the $23.95 price tag, a half-head of lettuce and two full onions. (Thanks, John)

• Ralph Wiggum Soundboard — For you Simpsons freaks.

• Worst Songs From the Greatest Rockers — Some good picks here, including Who's Zoomin' Who? by Aretha Franklin. I gotta go with Glory Days as Bruce Springsteen's worst, if only because his collection of great songs is so extensive I can't believe anybody would play it on the juke. Way too popular for what it is.

• Nerve.com's Rant in Your Undies Video Contest — Got something to tell the world? Say it in your skivvies. No chunkmonsters!

What Do Cal Ripken and Black Sabbath Have in Common?

My latest piece on ESPN.com went live Monday, a look a which songs batters from MLB's All-Century team would come to the plate to. It's an aspect of today's game that wasn't around during the times of Ty Cobb, Jackie Robinson and Mike Schmidt, and it was fun to come up with some relevant tunes.

Mickey Mantle and Pete Rose were the easiest. Pretty much any country music song applies to either.

Maybe you have some alternate selections you'd like to share, even for players not on the All-Century Team. A friend said "The Addams Family" for Wade Boggs. Hilarious. I gotta think of one for Jose Canseco and his 2000 World Series ring won with the Yankees, maybe the most unearned piece of jewerly ever. Watch a replay sometime after Piazza makes the final out and Jose jogs onto the field like they'd just won a game in April against the Royals.

The Fall of the Nomar Empire

So, the Nomar Garciaparra era is over in Boston. Can I stop laughing now? Watching Nomar go from folk hero to leper in a few short months was pure comedy from our vantage point atop the standings.

Entering this season, Garciaparra's stats per 162 games were .323 BA, 30 HR, 117 RBI, 120 R, 215 H, 47 2B, 14 SB. Five times he was an All-Star, five times he finished among the top 10 vote-getters for AL MVP, twice he was a batting champ. And now, apparently, the Red Sox are "better off" with Orlando Cabrera — an eight-year, .267 career-hitting shortstop whom I've never heard of — and Doug Mientkiewicz, who has one of the weakest Baseball-Reference.com profile pages I've ever come across. (Check out the Similar Batters section at the bottom.)

However we got to this point — whether you want to blame Nomar or A-Rod or management or the segment of Red Sox Nation that was particularly cruel (a headline on Boston Dirt Dogs reads: "Theo Cures Cancer in the Clubhouse") — this unceremonial exile of a future Hall of Famer is a perfect Cliffs Notes summary of the futility of the Boston Red Sox.

Wade Boggs was no longer good enough for the Red Sox, so the Yankees got four All-Star seasons out of him and won the 1996 World Series. Roger Clemens was in "the twilight of his career," so the Blue Jays, Yankees and Astros picked him up for five All-Star seasons, three Cy Young Awards and World Series titles in 1999 and 2000. The Sox got nothing in return for either. They got nothing for Carlton Fisk, who had four All-Star seasons with the White Sox. They got Frank Tanana (4-10 in 1981), Jim Dorsey, and Joe Rudi for Fred Lynn, who had three All-Star seasons for the Angels. And there was that whole Babe Ruth thing you may have heard about.

In 1990, the Sox traded Jeff Bagwell to Houston for Larry Anderson, but every team has made its share of trade blunders involving young prospects. The Red Sox, however, are world champions in running an established player out of town too early. Now that doesn't mean this trade won't pay dividends for Boston. Most agree a deal had to get done. But how do you get to this point? How do you blow up eight years of Hall of Fame performance and fond memories just like that?

I bet Nomar would look good in Yankees pinstripes, too. Maybe we'll sign him as a DH next year and then re-acquire Alfonso Soriano to play second base in 2006, when he becomes a free agent. Soriano, you may recall, was involved in an A-Rod deal, too. But we didn't screw that one up and tear apart the clubhouse.

Today's Sports Links:

• Stark: Yanks Losers at Trade Deadline — Jayson Stark quotes a baseball scout who says that Jose Contreras' stuff is "two grades better" than Loaiza's. Perhaps. I ain't gonna argue with a scout, even if I wonder if he saw some of Contreras' stuff being hit 400 feet on seemingly every pitch against Boston. Stark also writes that, "The Yankees knew, heading for the deadline, they didn't have a win-the-World Series kind of rotation — not unless Kevin Brown and Mike Mussina make a remarkable return to health." I didn't know I should be hoping for anything "remarkable" in terms of their returns. I'll tell ya one thing, though. Loaiza was an All-Star in 2003 and 2004, finished second in Cy Young voting last year, and doesn't seem like a bad No. 4 starter to me.

• Mets Suspend Spencer After DUI Arrest — He was stopped for driving 96 mph "between 3 a.m. and 4 a.m. Tuesday," and "acknowledged that he had a few drinks," failed several roadside sobriety tests and refused to take a breathalyzer test. Anyone wanna bet he'll do it again? These guys who drive at such reckless speeds while drunk just don't give a shit about anything.

• Armstrong Accused by Italian Cyclist — Filippo Simeoni was quoted by an Italian sports daily as saying that he was threatened by the Tour de France champ for telling an Italian court in 2002 that Ferrari advised him to take performance-enhancing drugs. He claims that while riding with Armstrong in a July 23 stage, he was told, "You made a mistake to speak against Ferrari, and you made a mistake to take legal action against me. I have money and time and lots of lawyers. I can destroy you.''

• Matt Leinart's Blog — The USC quarterback and Heisman hopeful takes to the web. (Found on SportsByBrooks.com)

• Rock Gods vs. Jock Gods — Laura Boswell does a Nick Bakay impersonation on ESPN.com's Page 3, weighing advantages of being a rock star or sports star. I covered this very topic in May, and I side with the rock stars. The reason: you're expected to embrace a hedonistic lifestyle, without consequence. Instead of being vilified for participating in drunken orgies, you're celebrated for it. Although, truth be told, I don't think most people look down on drunken orgies. But I think the sports stars and movie stars try to be a little more discreet about such debauchery, since media seem to probe their personal lives quite a bit more.