PaulKatcher.com

Who's Coming With Me to the Bahamas?

Last year I contemplated meeting up with Alex of BrowardHotSpots.com for a Circuit Girls Bikini Pageant in the Bahamas. I didn't pull the trigger and, after seeing the photos, I pretty much wanted to kill myself.

Well, I'm still alive (though next weekend's Vegas trip might change that), and I'm not making the same mistake twice.

Alex had set up a page detailing travel package options for anyone who wants to attend this year, from Sept. 3-5 (4- and 5-day trips optional). And at least one person is coming with me. If no one comes through and makes me travel alone, this site gets shut down for good. So there. (Update: The NYC chapter of the San Diego Chargers/Padres Fan Club will be represented.)

First of all, the prices are incredibly cheap:
• 3 days/2 nights for $299
• 4 days/3 nights for $349
• 5 days/4 nights for $399

That includes:
• Fight from Ft. Lauderdale (so add in costs to get down to the Sunshine State first)
• Hotel accommodations at the Crowne Plaza Golf Resort & Casino, also known as The Royal Oasis
• Friday night cocktail party with all the models, reserved seating for Friday night's pageant, meet and greet with the models at a beach party, VIP ticket to post-pageant party, photos out the ass, etc.

If you stay at least three nights, there are two more cocktail parties included.

Plus, it's the friggin' Bahamas, and there's drinking and gambling and golf and rum punch and chicks and everything else that makes life worth living (besides the Yankees, Playstation 2, my guitar and bacon).

Send an e-mail to paul@paulkatcher.com if you wanna go.

Goodbye, Village Idiot

You were cheap. You were easy. You were everything I look for in New York.

My Favorite Sports Call: 'Hold On to the Roof!'

Earlier this week, SI.com published a huge package on the best sports announcers in every sport. (Strangely, I couldn't find a link to the feature on the site's home page Wednesday night, though you can still find a "body paint" link related to the swimsuit issue that came out several months ago.)

My favorite part of the sport-by-sport rundown was the best calls ever. We'll get to that, but first my reactions to some of the top-5 rankings of play-by-play men and analysts.

• Dr. Z lists Al DeRogatis, whom I've never heard of, as his favorite NFL analyst ever, and John Madden, who may or may not have a crush on Brett Favre, as No. 2. This is where you just say, "It's Dr. Z. He knows more about football than every other NFL writer combined." And you move on.

• Dan Fouts appears in the top analysts for both the NFL and college football. And ya know what? I totally agree. Teaming Dennis Miller with him the Monday Night Football booth was like inviting Zach Hanson to jam with the E. Street Band.

• Tom Verducci lists Joe Torre as the fifth-best baseball analyst. Must've been back when he was a .500 manager for everyone but the Yanks.

• Marv Albert is the top NBA play-by-play man. Probably the strongest slam-dunk in the package.

• Howie Meeker is the top NHL analyst. Um, if you say so. I hate hockey.

• Dick Vitale is nowhere on the college basketball list. Not even an honorable mention. Wonder if they could've gotten away with this on ESPN.com. (Says here no.) Duke fans must be up in arms.

• Jon Wertheim wants to see Snoop Dogg in the booth for tennis broadcasts. Why not get Coolio and MC Hammer in there while you're at it?

And now for the best calls...

My favorite part of the piece is where each writer reflects on the greatest calls in their respective sports.

• For my money, nothing tops Human Jackhammer Gary Thorne's call of Don Mattingly's final home run as a Yankee, a solo shot that broke a tie in Game 2 of the electrifying 1995 ALDS against the Mariners. I was at the game, so I've heard Thorne's warning of "Hold on to the roof!" only on replay. He couldn't have been more accurate. Yankee Stadium went bananas. You'll recall that the game ended on a 15th-inning home run by Jim Leyritz in a steady downpour. Most fans brought umbrellas, and we needed them, as tons of beers came flying out from the upper deck in celebration. That doesn't exactly make sense to me, but if you catch a replay of the moment in Don Mattingly's Yankeeography on YES, you'll see just how much that place was jumping and how many beers were tossed into the air.

• Somehow — and I really can't believe this — Stewart Mandel did not list the call of Cal's miraculous 1982 kick return to beat Stanford as one of the best in college football history. Announcer Joe Starkey barely had any voice left when he yelled, "Oh my god, the most amazing, sensational, traumatic, heart rending, exciting, thrilling finish in the history of college football!" It was a homer call, for sure, but pure, genuine emotion. (Read about it here.) Till the day I die, I'll have no idea how Mandel went with Brent Musburger's call of Ricky Williams' NCAA record-breaking run: "Ricky cuts left ... hello record book!" What would have been even better is Dave Wannstedt's reaction to Ricky's phone call last week. "You're fucking doing what?!"

• Hard to argue with "The Giants win the pennant!" as the top baseball call, but I could listen to Jack Buck exclaiming, after Kirk Gibson's 1988 World Series smash, "I don't believe what I just saw!" all day. It was as if he was telling us to enjoy this gift of shared baseball history. (Audio link in right column.)

• Also have a place in my heart for Al McGuire, who, in 1996, announced the Syracuse Orangemen's upset victory over Kansas in the Elite Eight as such: "Wow, what a win by the Orange!" I almost had a heart attack that day, the first time Syracuse had made the Final Four since my enrollment six years earlier. I videotaped the game and watched Jacque Vaughn's potential game-tying 3-pointer miss maybe 100 times.

And my pick for worst call ever...

• Chris Berman on Cal Ripken's home run on the night he broke Lou Gehrig's record. "OH MY GOODNESS, HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!!!" First, no one says, "Oh, my goodness," anymore. Second, that was the loudest call ever. If someone in the truck had to have been treated for a ruptured ear drum, I would not be surprised. Third, Ripken hit 17 home runs in 144 games in 1995. You're looking at about a 12% chance of him hitting one in that game. That is not the same as Cal running back a kickoff on 20 laterals against Stanford or Duke scoring a game-winner with the ball inbounded across the court with 2.1 seconds left. It was a big deal, but let's not lose out minds over it.

Other Sports Links:

• ESPN's Best Coaches of the Last 25 Years — I didn't see the show, so I don't know what reasons were given for ranking Dean Smith No. 1 and Mike Krzyzewski No. 3. Since 1979, when the list is supposed to have been relevant, Smith coached UNC to two national titles and six Final Fours. Duke, under Coach K during that time, won three national titles and went to 10 Final Fours. Basketball, to me, however, seems an easier sport to coach, than, say, football. I'm not saying you can always just roll the ball out, but if you've got a couple of horses, sometimes you can just let them run. For my money, Bill Walsh was the premier coaching mind, if only because he won consistently, even with almost a full turnover of talent, from Wendell Tyler to Roger Craig, from Dwight Clark to Jerry Rice. Montana was a constant, the leading passer for Walsh's final eight seasons, during which the 49ers averaged more than 10.5 wins per season and won three Super Bowl titles. Also of interest: two women's basketball coaches, Pat Summitt (5) and Geno Auriemma (12) rank ahead of baseball's top manager, Joe Torre (13).

• Yanks Offer Free Tickets to Active U.S. Military — I was checking out the Yankees' tickets specials for 2004, and one of them is Military Personnel Dates, which basically offers complimentary Tier reserved seats to anyone presenting an active military ID at the advance ticket windows. Nice gesture, King George, ruler of everything right with the game of baseball.

• Unit Could Be Yank By Saturday — The New York Post reports: "Many believe the Diamondbacks are posturing when they say there is no match with the Yankees — and that by Saturday they will take a package that includes Triple-A catcher Dioner Navarro, second baseman Robinson Cano and perhaps Scott Proctor and Brad Halsey." The Post you remember, also reported that John Kerry selected Dick Gephardt as his running mate. So take that with a grain of salt. I'd be perfectly happy if Randy Johnson stayed where he is, out of harm's way, as far as the Yankees were concerned. Though, during the brawl Saturday at Fenway, I may have said something to the effect of, "Screw these bitches. I'm sick of our guys getting hit every time they don't like something — a score, a lead in the standings, a guy stepping out of the batter's box when the ump allows him to. Let's get Randy Johnson right now."

Last Call for the Village Idiot

The Village Idiot, located on 14 Street at Ninth Avenue, has always been a shithole. But it was our shithole. And after it serves up its last round of shots Saturday night, it'll be someone else's comedy club. Property values have increased so much in the trendy meat-packing district that owner Tom McNeill couldn't keep the place open without raising his prices, which are among the cheapest in town. Instead, he'll concentrate on his two other establishments (Yogi's on Broadway between 75 and 76 Streets and the Patriot Saloon at Chambers and Church Streets), while perhaps looking for the next Idiot location.

I fell in love with the Idiot at first sight. More accurately, I fell in love with the daytime bartender several years ago who wore no shirt, a bikini bottom and Band-Aids on her nipples. It was a great look, and I never understood why it never caught on at other bars. It was where I saw a woman celebrate her 40th birthday by getting up on the bar and removing her sundress, dancing naked, save for a thong and high heels. It was where a bartender showed us how she made a skirt out of an Idiot t-shirt and revealed to us that she, indeed, never wears underwear. It was where the same girl flashed me, unprovoked, for leaving a $5 tip on a round of shots. That was not an unrare occurrence. I've seen eight of the bartenders topless, and those are only the ones I can remember, though I'm including Yogi's in that number, and not all of those views occurred in a bar.

The Village Idiot is a place that makes you long for a repeal of the smoking ban. It stinks that badly. The bathroom is absolutely one of the top-10 most disgusting in New York. (Check out the sink, where you "clean" your hands.) Half the patrons are used to pissing on themselves anyway, so it's not all that surprising.

It's was a place where guys got into a WWF-type brawl, chairs and all, then sat down to share a pitcher. It was place to talk about how you entertained the athletic director of a major conference university by bringing him to your favorite massage parlor. It was where an entire bachelor party drank decked out in Speedo goggles. Where Maxim threw a wild party. Where the owner would drink beer out of a can by placing it in his mouth and crushing the contents out with his teeth. Where soft-core porn looped endlessly on the TVs. Where Hank and Willie blared on the juke. Where even uppity types couldn't help but be seduced by the come-as-you-are atmopshere. Where bras left behind the bar outnumbered the bottles of liquor. Where the bartenders are not just allowed, not just encouraged, but required to drink with the customers.

I can only imagine what the final two hours of this place is gonna be like. If I didn't think it would be totally packed Saturday night, I'd seriously consider staying in town for it.

Village Idiot Links:

• My Village Idiot Photos — Just a few from Tuesday night. Nothing spectacular, but it tells a bit of the story.

• New York Press on the Idiot's Closing

• New York Times on the Idiot's Closing

• Interview With Bartender Steph — One of the best bartender spills out there. Love the part about the guy who feel asleep at the bar, pissed on the jukebox, masturbated and ejaculated on a wall, then tried to kiss her. Wasn't me.

• NYCBP.com: All About the Idiot — A write-up on the place and a ton of photos of current and former bartenders linked on the right.

• Eddie Goldman Says Good-Bye to the Idiot — One of my drinking buddies writes, "Try as they will, they can never gentrify those memories and experiences of the Village Idiot out of our hearts and minds."

Other New York Links:

• The Bachelor Party Bible Book 4: New York — Tales of a debaucherous night that includes a stop at Jake's Dilemma, where just last week I kicked some people's asses in pool, even though they brought their own sticks into a friggin' bar, where I've seen Dave Attell and Dustin Hoffman, where I've attended a Hedonism party, and where I saw the Yanks win Games 3 and 7 of the ALCS last year.

• Interview With Randy Kim of NBA.com — My former coworker, with whom we shared a lot of laughs at Chucky Brown's expense, answers some questions from the Gothamist. (Chucky Brown fan club.)

• ESPN.com on the Recent NYC Dodgeball Tourney — Held four blocks from my apartment, they're having another one tonight, July 28. Got a softball commitment, though.

• Film Shoot Report Card — Grading the many production companies that film in Greenwich Village.

• EditrixAbby.com — Now this is a gal to party with. Check the photos from parties that could have been held at the Village Idiot (Not entirely safe for work.)

• Shoe-Stealing Revenge Against Blatherers at Central Park Concert — Some dude was so pissed at a group of people yapping at an outdoor classical music concert that he stole someone's shoe on the way out. And, yep, I drank with the guy at the Village Idiot.

Charge Up the Camera. Paris Hilton a Free Woman

Just recently, I linked to a story reporting that Paris Hilton had gotten boyfriend Nick Carter's name tattooed on her ass. Now the happy couple is history, after seven months of torrid passion and a ton of sex-tape jokes.

The break-up comes just as the Backstreet Boys are set to release a new album and head on tour, proving that Carter is smarter than anyone's given him credit for. The split also reaffirms that getting a lover's name tattooed on your body is the most bankable kiss of death out there.

Other kisses of death I've thought of:

• Calling out Babe Ruth. — Pedro Martinez did this on May 31, 2001, saying, "I don't believe in curses. Wake up the damn Bambino. Maybe I'll drill him in the ass." Martinez failed to win a game the rest of the year, and the Sox lost their final seven games to the Yankees in a season in which they failed to make the playoffs. The Sox also lost both games Pedro started against the Yanks in the 2003 ALCS.

• Judging a Woman's Attractiveness on Her Voice — Sure she sounds hot on the phone. Did you know that pizza grease soothes vocal chords like nothing else?

• Leaving Your Car in a No-Parking Zone for Five Minutes — You might as well write the ticket yourself. The disgruntled, sadistic traffic cop is always right around the corner.

• Getting a Call From My Friend Ed During a Blowout — He called when the Giants were bitch-slapping the 49ers in the playoffs two years ago. Next thing I knew, the game was over and the Giants were laying all over the ground on a failed field-goal attempt. Then he called when Syracuse had an 18-point lead over Kansas in the 2003 NCAA hoops final. If not for Hakim Warrick's block of a potential game-tying three-point shot in the waning seconds, we wouldn't still be friends.

• Tequila — Self-explanatory.

• Making a Sex Tape — A double for Paris Hilton. If the Internet doesn't get you, the divorce proceedings will. And yet, I'm strangely attracted to the notion. Ryan Perry has a great post on Pirates pitcher Kris Benson's hot wife, who dabbles in the same genre of film-making.

• Refusing to Play for the Ravens — If I were Terrell Owens' mama, I wouldn't watch TV on Oct. 31 when he suits up against Ray Lewis. The Ravens also visit the Eagles in preseason on Aug. 20. I can never understand why the NFL can't avoid matching up regular-season opponents in the bogus preseason.

Other News Items

• Bigger Breasts for Free: Join the Army — "The New Yorker magazine reports in its July 26th edition that members of all four branches of the U.S. military can get face-lifts, breast enlargements, liposuction and nose jobs for free — something the military says helps surgeons practice their skills."

• Duke to Provide Freshmen With iPods — An interesting marketing strategy by Apple, as this will only lead to great sales on the iTunes service. (Unless the songs are all free. Something that hasn't been confirmed in a number of reports I've read.) Are similar pacts with colleges and video game consoles next?

• Halfway to Oscar — MSNBC's list of movies you might see garner Oscar nods come next February.

• You Cannot Possibly Be Serious — USA Today on the proliferation of sarcastic news programs, including Da Ali G Show, The Daily Show and Comedy Central's Crossballs.

• We'll Always Have Paris — The New York Post on a one-man off-Broadway comedy about Paris HIlton auditioning for the fifth spot on The View.

• ConventionBloggers.org — A community site for bloggers participating in the Democratic National Convention. (Bill Clinton's speech.) My buddy Pat Stack pontificates on Monday's affairs, comparing Slick Willie to Master P and noting Kerry's Catholic faith as one reason he likes him as a presidential candidate. Hey, Pat, separation of church and state, dude. I get creeped out when Bush talks about relying on god to guide him through decisions. I guess most politicians are church-goers, though — even if only because it looks good to voters. I'd still love to see a Congressman say he gets advice from Allah and see what Americans think of that.

• Hefty Beauty Wins Miss Chubby Contest — "Weighing in at 416 pounds, Giovanna Guidoni, is not your average beauty contest winner. But then again, Italy's annual Miss Cicciona competition is not your average beauty contest."

Get Ready For This Site to Suck

Throughout the history of this site — which is more than four years and millions of user visits — I've understood that its greatest strengths are its regularity and the amount of time I invest in the posts. Both are about to take a hit, thanks to some otherwise good news.

Starting next week I'll be writing a twice-a-week column for ESPN.com's Page 3. Every Monday and Thursday, I'll be touching on a number of watercooler topics in the worlds of sports and pop culture, just as I've done here. Already you can assume there will be a lack of content here on those same days. Regulars already know PK.com is usually on break during weekends. More importantly, I'll be saving my "good stuff" for ESPN, because I want to kick ass for them. I've worked and written for FOXSports.com and TIME.com, but I was primarily a web producer during those years. This is my first crack at being able to concentrate solely on writing and, most importantly, in a style that fits my abilities.

PK.com is not closing up shop. This has always been an enjoyable creative outlet, and there will be many times I'll want to touch on something that won't fit the ESPN column's mission. I'll have an ode to the closing Village Idiot in NYC next week, a Vegas trip report in a few weeks, a full-fledged NFL preview, Harpoontang's live album recording in September, my usual photos, etc.

Everything regarding the new gig is still in its concept stage — name, format, etc. All I know for now is that I could use your readership and support over there. Keep forwarding your interesting links and news items, maybe even send a bullshit note to their editors about how great the new guy is (maybe wait for three or four pieces to go live).

I never liked to mix work and play, so you might not hear much more about this here. But I thought it better to explain it now than have people wondering what happened to the site they once knew. And I hope to be so busy writing that it'll never come back. We'll see.

Coming Soon: The Playboy Mansion Video Game

Ever wanted to live in a mansion with servants at your beck and call? Have sex with your outrageously beautiful employees and make millions doing it? Throw parties that celebs clear their calendars for?

Well, you can't. Sorry. At least not in real life.

But if you have a really good imagination — plus an Xbox, a Playstation 2 or a PC — you might be interested in the forthcoming game Playboy: The Mansion.

Officially, the game is billed as such:

Playboy: The Mansion blends state-of-the-art social simulation with traditional role-playing and empire-building gameplay. As Hef, you build the Playboy Mansion and magazine into dynamic cultural icons and powerful brand. Rub shoulders with stunning women and celebrities as you pursue the ultimate Playboy lifestyle. Grow famous and gain exclusive access to the Playboy Archives, including footage of the world-famous Playboy Mansion.

Unofficially, I'm renting this the day it comes out, if only because of this passage from a GameSpot preview:.

Yes, Playboy: The Mansion will include topless nudity, as well as sex. Hef, the bunnies, and any of your guests can and will engage in sexual intercourse just about everywhere throughout the mansion. Cyberlore's plan is that the manner in which this will be depicted will match what is shown in R-rated movies...

Let me repeat: "any of your guests can and will engage in sexual intercourse just about everywhere throughout the mansion." That would be me and Miss July 1998 Lisa Dergan in the hot tub. Me and the Dahm triplets in the TV room, watching the YES Network. Me and all of 2003 in Hef's best guest room. Gary Coleman and Marilyn Monroe's corpse in the garage. And Scott Baio and Fred Durst in the broom closet.

Makes finding that princess at the end of Super Mario Brothers look like a load of crap.

Related:

• Playboy's Sexiest Bartenders — Vote among 10 finalists for America's Sexiest bartenders, then use your Cyber Club membership (or do what I did and borrow a friend's) to see them nekkid. 'Cause it's really hard to choose with all those clothes on.

• Playboy: The Mansion Previews — A host of gaming sites chime in after viewing a demo at E3.

• Photos: Britney Spears in White Bikini — Keeping the paparrazi-photo-link streak alive. Why did I file this under the Playboy links? Because Britney and the magazine need each other right now. Save yourselves before it's too late!

Other Web Finds:

• 'Frank the Tank' Trucker Hat — Wear it when you go streaking.

• W Ketchup — A brand that positions itself as an alternative to choosing Heinz and "supporting Teresa Heinz and her liberal causes, such as Kerry for President." Goes great with Freedom Fries while you watch the FOX News Channel.

• Your Mom's So Ugly... — Everyone should have at least five "yo mama" jokes memorized. My favorite: "Your mom's so ugly Ted Danson wouldn't date her!"

• Bill Simmons Vengeance Scale — Inspired by the upcoming NBA season, where Shaq and Kobe will both be out to make statements on the court, The Sports Guy rates from 0.0 to 10.0 the greatest acts of vengeance in sports/pop culture history. Only one real sporting moment ranked higher than 8.9, and there are five Corleone family references. Time to call him The Godfather Guy, I think.

• Blender Interviews Dave Chappelle — After seeing Anchorman, which stunk, I came home and laughed my ass off watching Chappelle's Show for free (if you ignore that little cable bill). Still the best live act I've ever seen, and this was six years ago. Even the Blender pics are hilarious.

• Flash Movie: How the World Will End — A funny commentary on how crazy the world is. Give it some time to load. (Thanks, Rachel)

I Wouldn't Have Cared to Hear Ronstadt's Political Views, Either

Last week during a concert at the Las Vegas Aladdin Casino and Resort, Linda Ronstadt dedicated "Desperado" to Michael Moore, whom she called a "great American patriot" who "is spreading the truth." What with the legitimacy of Moore's work being a highly polarized topic of debate, many audience members took offense, some reportedly demanding a refund. She was subsequently denied access to her suite and escorted off the grounds, prompting an angry letter to Aladdin from Moore, who played the First Amendment card, stating, "For you to throw Linda Ronstadt off the premises because she dared to say a few words in support of me and my film, is simply stupid and Un-American."

What do I think? Glad you asked. (And you're more than welcome to express your views in the Comments section, but viciousness will not be tolerated.)

1. It's not "un-American" to expect that a singer at a general-audience concert (i.e. not a party fundraiser) keep her political views to herself in what is clearly an extremely tense political environment. Last year at Giants Stadium, Bruce Springsteen reminded us that is not unpatriotic to question the decision of a President to go to war. Fair enough, but I didn't want to hear it. Play the music, Boss, that's what I paid for. There's also a crack against the Bush team at the end of Anchorman, and I thought that was a little out of place.

2. It is because reasonable people recognize how polarized "The Great Uniter's" term has become that entertainers (in an entertainment environment) should refrain from preaching politics. Sometimes the line is easier to cross — a plea to legalize pot could earn quite an applause at a Grateful Dead concert — but to endorse a scathing indictment of the Bush presidency? You're basically asking for p.r. controversy. On their own time, or when asked by media for their opinions, they have a right to speak like any American, of course.

3. I've never been the most political guy, but it appears to me the political sensitivity these days, on both sides, is significantly higher than in recent campaign years. Remember all those old Dan Quayle jokes? All those Clinton jokes? Suddenly, political comedy is dangerous water to tread.

4. I don't believe in unconditional support for a war-time President. Especially if your main beef is the war itself. That, to me, is quite un-American.

5. The audience members who reportedly tossed their drinks into the air and demanded a refund? Better stay away from the 2005 Oscars. I'm saying it right now: If Fahrenheit 9/11 is nominated for Best Documentary, the announcement of that award will be the most anticipated moment of the show.

Related Links:

• Is Response to Ronstadt in Las Vegas Bad for 'Q'? — The Tony Award winner for Best Musical, Avenue Q, has no plans to scrap a tune titled "For Now," which implies that President Bush will lose the upcoming presidential election.

• Bush/Kerry Sing 'This Land Is Your Land' — A witty Flash movie that plays off the leading charges against both candidates. Highly recommended.

• Michael Moore OK With Movie Download — The filmmaker says: "I don't agree with copyright laws and I don't have a problem with people downloading the movie and sharing it...as long as they're not trying to make a profit off my labor ...I make these movies and books and TV shows because I want things to change, and so the more people who get to see them, the better."

• What Did Whoopi Say? — Scroll to the bottom of this Village Voice article for commentary on what she said and the press accounts that "made only vague mention of her references to 'bush' as part of the female anatomy." Now tell me, is this really an offensive joke at a political fundraiser? "Nothing has given me more pleasure than bush ... Someone has tarnished the world in the name of Bush ... Keep bush where it belongs, not in the White House."

Other News Links:

• Paris Hilton Gets Ass Tattooed — To commemorate her seven-month relationship with Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, the Simple-ton gets his name scrawled on her bottom. I guess we'll all get to see it in her next movie.

• Woman Admits Making Antifreeze Smoothie — I don't care what your definition of "smoothie" is, this one hurts.

Review: NCAA Football 2005 for Playstation 2

To tide me down till the release of Madden 2005 next month, I made an infrequent trip to Blockbuster to rent EA Sports' NCAA Football 2005 video game. No, I didn't want popcorn with it — and yes, the lady behind the counter asked — but the pageantry of college football has come home to my living room.

The hooker-attended recruiting parties. The under-the-table booster payments. The mid-season DUI charges that put the head coach in a moral pickle.

Lest you think Florida State is the only team in this game, let me assure you there's much more. All Division I-A teams are represented, along with an assortment of I-AA teams to ignore, as well as national championship squads from years gone by.

Once you stop laughing when an all-white team like the 1961 Alabama Crimson Tide runs onto the field, the gameplay is tremendous. The most-hyped new feature of the game is the homefield advantage aspect. Visiting teams are affected by the home crowd, just as in real life when LSU fans throw whiskey bottles or West Virginia hillbillies spit tobacco juice at the opponents. In big spots on the road, the screen and controller vibrate, throwing you off your game, as if you were playing from Wilt Chamberlain's old waterbed. And the end result can hurt just as bad.

According to EA Sports, the five toughest places for teams to visit are Florida, Tennessee, Ohio State, LSU and Oregon. Twenty others are given homefield priority, including Syracuse (20) and Miami (25), which won 58 straight home games from 1985-94. Apparently now, though, it's harder to win at West Virginia, which is supposedly the 23rd-toughest place at which to play. (The Mountaineers have won more than eight games in a season exactly once since 1993. The Hurricanes are 46-4 in the new millennium.)

As with any modern game, the customability is overwhelming. You can create your own schools (Grand Lakes University, here we come!), uniforms, players, and even mascots. I don't know if I could come close to topping the real-life, real-person Village People-like hilarity of the West Virginia Mountaineer and Notre Dame Leprechaun. I'm not sure if mascots qualify for same-sex marriages, but I hear they're on a flight to Boston right now.

Other great features in the game include:
• A Matchup Stick, which allows you to view how your on-field personnel stacks up with the opponent on each play
• Touch passing that I couldn't master
• Post-TD celebrations you'll try once or twice before getting tired of it (like beaning Mike Piazza in the head in each year's new baseball video game)
• Online play that allows you to lose to anonymous teenage cheaters across the country
• Bobby Bowden actually paying attention on the sideline

In Five Words or Less: Might Be Better Than Madden

NCAA Football 2005 Links:

• Custom Covers for Your Game — Don't like seeing Larry Fitzgerald on the cover? Print out a custom cover that represents your team, then slip it into the box. A great, great idea for a website.

• NCAA Football 2005 Strategy Discussion — A forum where people get advice on how to leave opponents in their wake.

• Metacritic.com Reviews — A collection of mainstream reviews of the game. Everyone pretty much loves it.

Todays Sports Links:

• Take the ESPN.com Sports Trivia Quiz — Inspired by Ken Jennings' run on Jeopardy. This one is tough, and I got only 15 out of 31.

• Andy Katz' College Hoops Preseason Top 25 — He's got the Orangemen at No. 5 and says a case can be made for them getting the top spot. I don't know whether to be happy or concerned. Can't remember the last time we were this hyped heading into a season.

• Kurkjian: Predicting Baseball's Second Half — The diminutive MLB scribe says Bonds will reach 700 home runs in 2004, Randy Johnson might be traded (but Nomar won't), and the Yankees will win the World Series.

• Detroit Unveils 2005 MLB All-Star Game Logos — God bless Jason Beck for having to "cover" this story for MLB.com.

• Subway Series: The New York Mets and Our National Pastime — An exhibit at the Queens Museum of Art, running from now till Oct. 24, "charts the team's transformation over the years, featuring images and objects, art and non-art, as well as works by leading figures in contemporary art addressing the longstanding traditions of baseball." The New York Yankees and the American Dream at the Bronx Museum of the Arts will open to public on July 23. And I hope to have pictures soon from that exhibit.

Karate Kid Sensei Shows No Mercy to Pastrami

Move over Empire State Building. Hit the bricks, Lady Liberty. There's a new No. 1 must-see attraction in New York.

If you're a fan of cheesy pop culture — and if you read this site, you probably are — make like Grady Little at Faneuil Hall and run like hell to the Fine & Schapiro deli on 72nd Street between Broadway and Columbus Ave.

There you will find the Holy Grail of autographed 8x10 B&W glossy photos left behind by B-list celebrities in Kosher delis, Chinese joints, Hooters, Benihana et al.

You'll recognize the menacing glare.

You'll recognize the tattoo of a cobra and striking fist.

You'll want to sweep the leg of your waitress.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's none other that Martin Kove, better known as "Sensei" John Kreese in The Karate Kid! (See hi-res version of autographed photo.)

Luckily for you, I had two things with me when I left the restaurant last week: my uncle's digital camera and no shame. To the best of my transcription abilities, here's how the autograph reads:

To Fine & Schapiro,

Great food and always take care of Alex. But remember, no mercy.

Marty "Sensei" Kove

Tell me that's not the greatest thing you've ever seen. Eat your heart out, Bill Simmons.

Did you know? Martin once had a role in a movie called Without Mercy? I couldn't even try to make that up on my own.

Did you know? If you search Google Images for "Martin Kove" you'll find several screenshots of the future Sensei totally nude with his pecker flapping around in the 1971 movie Women in Revolt? I'm pretty much scarred for life now.

Todays' Web Finds:

• 1994 MCI 'Madden Cruiser II' For Sale — Do your business on the same throne where the football announcer pored over Packers stats. Comes with a dozen free cans of Tinactin foot spray. Did you know Madden lives at the Dakota on 72nd Street, just a stone's throw from Fine & Schapiro? I wonder if he ever dined with Sensei. (Thanks, Art)

• Video: Juggs Judy — A sketch from The Man Show about a judge who's "tough, fair and stacked."

• Amber Brkich Photoshoot in Stuff — Son of a Brkich , maybe I am missing out by not watching reality TV. Let's hear it for the photo in the top-right, gentlemen. Oh, and just 'cause she's really hot, here's Fox Sports Net's Lisa Dergan's photos from an earlier issue.

• Video: College Kids Get Hot in Herre — A funny parody of the Nelly video by some witty whities. The chick in the hooded sweatshirt shaking her booty cracks me up.

• DebbieClemens.com — The Rocket's wife, who posed for the 2003 Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, has her own site dedicated to fitness, fashion, women's health awareness and some other things. I could've told you more if the cheesy embedded music on every page didn't drive me away with my ears bleeding.

• Spy Pics From Britney Spears' Latest Video Shoot — What's a day of web finds at PK.com without the latest Britney paparazzi shots? Judging from the final pic, we're making a little progress. But nowhere near Britney circa 2002.

• Nerve.com's Blog-A-Log — Last year I wrote about Nerve.com's search for New Yorkers to blog about their sex lives. Now they have their cast of literary exhibitionists, but I'm not sure if the content will be engaging enough to overcome the dreadful design/functionality and the wealth of existing kinky blogs.

• Audio Clips From The Big Lebowski — Now's your chance to hear Tara Reid say. "I'll suck your cock for a thousand dollars." Hey, Tara, how about 50 bucks?

• Shumpy's Link Dump — A daily collection of web finds from a guy who helps me out with some great suggestions. Hey dude, how 'bout some better descriptions, though?

Review: Anchorman - The Legend of Ron Burgundy

Chances are many of you are thinking of spending $10.25 (that's the price at Loews Cinema on Broadway at 84 Street) this weekend to see Anchorman, starring Will Ferrell. I'm here to stop you.

Smoke if you wish. Drink if you must. Shoot heroin into your veins and try that asphyxiation/masturbation combo thing that leaves people dead every year, but don't waste your time with this movie. It's just not a good use of 90 minutes.

From what I gathered from mainstream reviews — metacritic.com has aggregated them all — Anchorman is one of those movies you'll enjoy if you submit to the fact that it's dumb humor. Fine. Dumb & Dumber is the movie by which all comedies should be measured anyway.

Wanting to leave almost no chance that I wouldn't enjoy this flick, I had five beers before entering the theater — along with a plate of chicken & ribs and a 6-1 AL lead in the All-Star Game, but that's another story. Dumb me down, Mr. Ferrell! I'm buzzed and easier than an Amsterdam hooker at this point.

Ten minutes into this crapfest I contemplated leaving for beer No. 6. It was that bad. If you've seen the great Ted Knight in The Mary Tyler Moore Show — hell, even Sam the Eagle from The Muppet Show — you've seen every funny aspect of this movie, which is basically Ron Burgundy's pomposity and naivety as a San Diego network's lead anchorman.

As for the rest of it — the supporting cast, the "story," the surprise cameos that are in every movie nowadays, the post-movie goof-up reel that was funny at the end of The Cannonball Run and is now a staple in every "wacky" comedy — I couldn't fathom how anyone would give this thing more than two stars out of four. A "wait till it's on cable" movie if ever there was one.

In Five Words or Less: Checked my watch 10 times.

Photos: Bronx Zoo

As far am I'm concerned, there's only four reasons to visit the Bronx:

1. To see the hospital where I was born. And if anyone knows which one it is, let me know, 'cause I have no idea.

2. To see the 26-time World Champion Yankees, preferably late in a tight game against the Red Sox with some scrub at the plate.

3. To eat at White Castle for the scariest yet most satisfying NYC experience this side of the Cyclone.

4. To visit the Bronx Zoo, a man-made jungle in which you walk all day, run into wild animals and screaming children and otherwise withstand a pungent stench. You'll never know you're in the Bronx!

Anyway, I took a trip to the zoo Tuesday and posted 16 pictures. Have a peek.

(As an added bonus, you might want to check out some recently posted photos of the Jersey Shore and Central Park.)

2004 MLB All-Star Game: Theeee Yankees Win!

The day after the MLB All-Star Game is typically the slowest sports day of the year. Not so at PK.com. Here's what I'm thinking (and what you should agree with):

The All-Star Game:

• Good to see Muhammad Ali out there for the first-pitch ceremony. When I think of Houston and baseball, there's only one name that comes to mind: Ali.

• Prior to the game, Astros season-ticket holder Tom Gray won $1 million in 30 seconds by throwing five "strikes" through a hole the size of New Hampshire. He also threw about 10 pitches that looked like he was coached by Mitch Williams. Somewhere Ken Jennings was throwing up, and I almost choked on my dinner from laughing too hard. Might be the only $1 million winner in history who immediately asked for tape of the contest to be burned.

• Last week, I joked about hoping that 12-14 Yankees would be selected to the AL squad. We got eight, but I forgot about manager Joe Torre, hitting coach and Greatest Living Ballplayer Don Mattingly, pitching coach Mel Stottlemyre and third-base coach Luis Sojo. We had a dozen Yankees there! And, of course, Torre's team won again (5-0-1 as an All-Star manager).

• With home-field advantage on the line for the AL World Series team (which will be the Yankees), I cheered when Manny Ramirez hit his first-inning home run. This was the first, and hopefully the last, time I will ever have to do this. If I'd known the AL wouldn't need those two runs, I'd have instead wished that Clemens brained him.

• Clemens and Soriano sure showed they still have love for the Yanks, huh? Thanks, guys!

• I never thought I'd say this, but Jeannie Zelasko looks better with helmet hair from, well, I don't know it was in style, but I guess at some point between 1970-90.

• Rangers shortstop Michael Young is white? Next you're gonna tell me Matt Lawton is black.

• I loved the pre-game intro of the starters, coming down the aisles like a WWF Royal Rumble. What a sight to see A-Rod, Giambi and Jeter back-to-back-to-back, representing about $60 million in annual salary.

• I don't watch a ton of NL baseball, but it's good to see Jeff Kent still sporting that porn-star 'stache. Hang on, Jeff, it's definitely coming back in style someday.

• After Clemens' rocky start, he was relieved by somebody named Danny Kolb. He must've won a sweepstakes or something. It's good for MLB to get the fans involved in the game and all.

• Derek Jeter now holds the highest batting average (.700, 7-for-10) in All-Star Game history. He was also recently named the coolest celebrity around on ESPN.com's Page 3. Disagree with the choice if you wish, but go easy on the author. He's a pretty cool guy himself.

• Incredible stat of the night ... Mariano Rivera's career ERA in: Regular Season: 2.40; All-Star Game: 0.00; Division Series: 0.27; LCS: 0.85; World Series: 1.16.

Other Sports Links:

• Video: Jim Everett Kicks Jim Rome's Ass — The complete clip of one of the most embarrassing moments in sports media history, in which Jim Rome pretty much baits a 6-5 NFL quarterback to bust his ass on national TV. And where was that on ESPN's blunder list?

• Why I'd Take Derek Jeter Over Anyone in Baseball — Ryan Perry, a Mariners fan, knows a winner when he sees one. Based on how the Yanks' lineup is set up, though, could you imagine anyone doing more damage surrounded by A-Rod, Sheffield and Giambi than Barry Bonds? You either have to buy into Jeter as a winner and the glue of the Yanks or not. I do, but I don't know what my reaction would've been if Texas had ever offered A-Rod straight-up for Jeter. On paper, that deal is a no-brainer. But I think the dive against the Sox shows just how much he wants to win and how that can rub off on others. SI.com also recently ranked Jeter's top 10 clutch moments.

• SI.com's 2004 College Football Preview — All 114 teams are analyzed. Let me recap the Syracuse preview: If they play well, they'll be good. If they don't, they'll stink.

• Three-Fourths of Major Leaguers Would Have 'No Problem' With Gay Teammate — Salon's King Kaufman on a recent survey, touching on many topics, answered by almost 500 players. Oh, for the 1/4 who would have a problem with a gay teammate, you've already had one ... or 10 ... or 20.

• Bill Simmons on All-Star Festivities — Written prior to Tuesday's game, The Sports Guy has some great nuggets on kids at Fan Fest and the celebrity softball game. Couldn't get through the whole thing, though. I really wanna know how long he takes to write these.

Review: Jeopardy! Champ Ken Jennings

(Before we start, I'd like to pay some respect to Isabel Sanford — known best to TV fans as Louise (Weezie) in The Jeffersons — a native New Yorker who passed away at age 86. The show is still funny to this day, while illuminating how silly bigotry really is.)

Prior to Monday, there was only one time I had to absolutely watch Jeopardy! That was when my old college roommate finished in second place. But that was before 30-year-old BYU grad Ken Jennings made headlines by steamrolling 56 straight opponents in 28 games to rack up nearly $1 million in winnings. I had to see what the fuss was about.

Let's preface this by saying I've seen some ass-kickings in my day. I was 11 when Walter Mondale took Minnesota and no other state in the 1984 presidential election. I saw King Kong Bundy squash Special Delivery Jones in nine seconds at the original Wrestlemania. And I almost remember taking down eight Gray's Papaya hot dogs on my 30th birthday. But I never saw anything like Jennings on Monday.

Here's how it went down:

• Jennings correctly answered the first 14 questions on the board, banking $8,000 before a female sacrificial lamb won $1,000 for identifying the Rubik's snake.

• He actually missed a $400 question I knew, incorrectly guessing the Preakness as the oldest stage in horse racing's Triple Crown, which began in New York. The answer was the Belmont Stakes. Moron.

•. At one point, he had $21,500 while the others were at minus $1,600 and minus $300.

• When told he was the only player in positive numbers, he said, "That's cool." This was like Manny Ramirez standing at home plate after launching a home run off a Little League pitcher.

• In Final Jeopardy, which had as much effect on the game's outcome as did the weather in Kalamazoo, Jennings increased his bank to $52,000, tying his own single-show record.

One interesting aspect of the run is that Jeopardy! tapes a lot of shows at once and well in advance. So plenty of people know when and how Jennings will run into the Buster Douglas of trivia. My guess is that someone's gonna have to stay close and take huge risks on the Double Jeopardy questions, but we'll see.

The secret to Jennings' success? "Most people at home don't know how important the timing on the buzzer is," he said. Yeah, it took me like 10 minutes to figure that out 15 years ago. Did you know that to hit home runs in baseball, you should also hit the ball really hard?

Other Ken Jennings Links:

• Q: 'Jeopardy' Champ; A: Who is Utahn Ken Jennings? — The Salt Lake Tribune profiles the Murray software engineer.

• Recordbreakers: Thom McKee of Tic Tac Dough — Jennings is still quite short of the 43-game record held by McKee in the late 1970s.

• Am I Annoying or Not? Ken Jennings — Only 38% find him annoying. That's not bad for a guy who's both a brainiac and a bully.

• O.K., Alex, Smart Nerds for $1 Million — The New York Times on the game show that refuses to dumb down to the lowest common denominator.

Sex Videos Starring John Ashcroft!

Celebrity sex videos are all the rage, and it's hard to keep count. Pam Anderson and Bret Michaels. Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. Paris Hilton and Rick Solomon. Gena Lee Nolin and Greg Fahlman. Vince Neil and Janine Lindemulder. Jenna Lewis and whomever. That foreign singer whose name I can't find. Abi Titmuss and a guy and a girl.

(I know you're probably headed to Google now, but please come back.)

But the biggest celebrity sex star of them all is none other than our righteous Attorney General, making several appearances on your monitor in Nerve.com's John Ashcroft Amateur Video Contest.

Through July 14, users are submitting their sexiest one-minute videos that include a discussion of the AG. Three are free, and the rest are available to Nerve.com premium subscribers, of which I am not one — but for $7 maybe I'll reconsider.

So far my favorite is "Justice for Puppets" by Jenny Nissenson, a hilarious clip in which two pillars of justice, in the form of silver-painted semi-topless broads, get all hot and bothered over a most decent puppet:

"He can trample my amendments any day!"

"Give me your Patriot Act and give it to me hard!"

"Strip me of my rights!"

To which the AG replies,"Jumping jihad!," before being bound and gagged and otherwise smothered in the cleavage of civil rights.

If you missed Nerve.com: Downloading Sex, on HBO Sunday night, you can catch it on HBO2 - East on July 20 at 3:10 a.m. and July 31 at 1:15 a.m. Kinda like "Real Sex," but with a few "Masturbation Studies" segments in which women entertain themselves in a private room while the camera focuses in on them from the shoulders up. User comments on the program agree those bits are a hit.

Other Web Finds:

• Assvertise — Photos of the New York Health & Racquet Club's "Booty Call" campaign, in which models display messages on their panties. John Ashcroft would not approve.

• Photos: Britney Spears in Maui — If you'd told me a year ago that we'd have paparazzi shots of a bikini-clad Britney on a beach and they wouldn't even be good, I'd have thought you were crazy.

• More Photos of Britney Looking Like Crap — Trucker hat and green cargo pants? Girl, don't go all Jennifer Capriati on us! Hefner, get on this, old man!

• Quiz: Dog Toy or Marital Aid — Can you tell the objects that your dog plays with from the ones your girlfriend plays with? (Thanks, Sam)

• Photoshop Contest: Other New York Post Exclusives — Was only a matter of time before the FARK.com community chimed in on this one. My favorite is: Titanic Docks! World's Largest Liner Arrives Safely.

• Rock Paper Saddam — The former Iraqi pres finds time to play a game on the witness stand.

• The Five Worst Sylvester Stallone Movies — Like selecting the five greenest blades of grass in Central Park.

• PCWorld.com's Microsoft Office Tips — Is it just me, or have you noticed that people who use these work apps most really aren't the most proficient computer users?

• Video Clips of Marlon Brando's Greatest Moments — Actual content on Moviefone.com. "Why don't you just tell me the name of the movie you want to see?"

• The Player — Joe Concha again writes about the dynamic between horny men and horny women at the Jersey Shore. We've got to be only a week away from a "What He Says/What He Means" column. But anyway, great party, Joe. Next time let's rig up that 50-50 raffle, huh?

Beat This Caption: Mike Bloomberg Swims

"Having just returned from New Orleans sporting a chain of beads for his Guys Gone Wild performance, New York City mayor Mike Bloomberg takes the ceremonial first piss in Bobby Valentine Pool in Queens.

'It's important to show today's youth that when nature calls, you go,' said the mayor, adding, 'and also it's important to cover up their man-tits.'"

(To beat this caption, post a comment below.)

Photos: Tigers 10, Yankees 8

They didn't win. It was a shame.

I should have known better than to attend a Yankees mid-week day game.

Check out this recipe for disaster:

• 1:05 p.m. start means a subdued daytime crowd and, worse, John Flaherty's .153 batting average in the starting lineup
• No. 5 rookie starter Brad Halsey, on the mound for the Bombers, was so emotionless in his last solid start against the Red Sox that he makes Mike Mussina look like Al "The Mag Hungarian" Hrboksy
• Screaming camp kids everywhere, the kind who have never heard of Don Mattingly, the Greatest Living Ballplayer
• That fat, crazy guy in front of me whose B.O. was visible, who talked to himself and made me wonder if prostitutes accept all comers
• Despite a healthy paid attendance of 50,338 — the kind that supports large payrolls — there was no line for beer or bathrooms. That should tell you how dull this crowd was. Of course, a 10-3 deficit in the fifth inning doesn't much help
• I was there. The Yankees are now 27-8 at home when I'm not in attendance, 11-1 overall when I'm not even in the country, but just 2-4 when I drag my ass up to the Bronx. Ugh.

I posted 22 pics from the day, but even I'm getting tired of looking at the same shots all the time. But it's good practice. And, no, I don't know the chick in the photo above. She was like 10 rows in front of me.

Today's Sports Links:

• Top Pitchers to Win One Game — No question my top two are Curt Schilling and Randy Johnson, those bastards who combined to ruin the Yankees in 2001. I'm sure it's happened, but how often do those guys get knocked out of a game, instead of being lifted for a pinch-hitter or a situational reliever in the late innings? They have to be the most bankable pitchers out there.

• A Boo for the Red Sox — Motley Fool takes issue with how Boston announces its donation to the people who suffered from floods in the Dominican Republic.

• NFL's Best Posse of Passers — FOXSports.com ranks each team's bevy of signal-callers. As if the Colts (No. 11) would ever — EVER — trade their crew, which includes Peyton Manning and four nobodies, for that of the Bucs (No. 5) or Panthers (No. 4). Would you rather have depth or strength at the top? Reminds me of every fantasy football owner's quandary.

• Jayson Stark: Really Useless Information — I've saved this link more than a week, but it's still an engaging piece of work for any baseball stats junkie. Will Barry Bonds have more intentional walks than hits this season? Who was the last guy before Billy Wagner to reach 30 strikeouts without a walk? Who hit a walkoff homer deepest into an extra-inning game? How many times have perfect-game hurlers faced each other?

• Steinbrenner Belongs in the Hall of Fame — Mike Fish makes the case on SI.com. Ten pennants and six World Series championships in 30 years sounds like a pretty good 30 years to me. Not to mention he built what this year will be the most-watched team in MLB history.

• Jump the Shark: SportsCenter — Sports fans chime in on when the show lost its spark. Thanks a lot, Stuart Scott!

• A Gentleman in a Pinstripe Suit — Rick Reilly on the great Alex Rodriguez, future Yankee Hall of Famer who will be in pinstripes through 2010. (Subscription required, or just log in with the name of someone you know has one.)

Other Exclusives the New York Post Has Learned

It's not every day someone in front of me at a bodega buys 10 copies of the New York Post. Typically, one or two is enough to slide under an untrained puppy. But Tuesday was a unique day in misreporting, even by the standards of the Post, which last year ran an editorial after the Yankees' Game 7 "loss" to the Red Sox in the ALCS. You know, the one that never happened.

"KERRY'S CHOICE: Dem picks Gephardt as VP candidate" blared the morning headline, just hours before John Kerry selected John Edwards — not the guy who talks to dead people — as his running mate.

It's a gaffe that would make Jayson Blair blush, but at least there are no serious repercussions, as the Post was merely bragging to have learned something — apparently from a real bozo — that was gonna come out anyway. And did, with accuracy, by all media before the Post.

The bogus cover was taken off the Post's website — without explanation — 'cause people would just stop talking about it if was missing — then replaced with a headline that we can only assume was true. There was an AP story about the screw-up that I found deep within the site's politics section, but that clearly slipped through the cracks of an automated wire feed. The Post took it down, but not before I took a screenshot.

Others have wondered whether the Post's selection of a photo of Kerry and Gephardt seemingly close to romantic embrace reflected a hidden agenda. If you know the Post, you know none of its agenda is hidden. Which I don't have a problem with, even if I think its language is often patronizing and vicious toward liberals, a pool of people that — and this may come as a shock — contains some incredibly intelligent people who are not entirely uninformed and are unworthy of being talked down to. But I respect Rupert Murdoch's right to print whatever kind of paper he wants, stripper and gambling ads and all.

That being said, here are some other Post headlines you might see in the near future:

• Torre Tabs Boston's Lowe as All-Star Starter
• Bush, Cheney Give Fahrenheit 9/11 Two Thumbs Up
• Milano Ties Knot With Webmaster Katcher
• Republican National Convention Affects NYC Traffic Not at All
• Murray State Lands Top Recruit in Nation
• Tourist Served a Buyback at Bourbon Street Bar
• Florida State Goes Entire Season Without Football Player Arrested
• Hot Chicks Line Up for Release of Madden 2005
• Howard Stern Fails to Ask Female Guest if Breasts Are Real
• Carrot Top Show at MSG Sold Out
• Google Restricts Porn Searches From Its Users
• Corey Feldman Wins Oscar for Best Actor
• More Than Three Men Spotted in Oprah Audience
• Americans Celebrate Start of NHL Season

Other News Links:

• The Politics of Pornography — Thomas Oliphant's column in the Boston Globe reads, "Despite the obvious interpretation of this week's decision that content-based criminalization of the Internet is both wrong and foolish, John Ashcroft's relentless pursuit of big government authority over what people read and watch is too shameless to allow for the acknowledgment of defeat."

• Guys Gone Wild DVD Set for July 13 Release — Clear the calendar, girls. Drunken, hairy ass is coming to your living room.

• Italy's 'King of Porn' Retires With 1,300 Films Under His Belt — Rocco Siffredi hangs up the lube. And somewhere an L.A. runaway is in tears, knowing that she'll never get to be No. 1301.

• Michael Moore's Public Service — Paul Krugman writes in The New York Times that "Fahrenheit 9/11 is a tendentious, flawed movie, but it tells essential truths about leaders who exploited a national tragedy for political gain, and the ordinary Americans who paid the price."

• Clothing Stores Crave Burger Chain's Merchandise — White Castle is all the rage, but I could have told you tiresome hipsters that 15 years ago. (Thanks, Art)

• Free Speech: Do Americans Really Believe in It? — The Chicago Tribune reports that two in 10, out of 1,000 polled, believe that negative reporting on the war and critical editorials against a war should not be allowed. I'm not sure these kinds of people know how to read anyway. They might want to start with the Constitution.

• U.S., Israel Will Guard Their Own Athletes at Olympics — Sounds like a smart move to me.

• Why the French Act Isn't Funny Anymore — Charles Krauthammer writes in TIME that "their resistance to helping in Afghanistan and Iraq is now downright dangerous."

Ron Jeremy's Celebrity Snapshots

I don't know how I came across these photo galleries of Ron Jeremy with his celebrity friends, but it wasn't 'cause I was trolling for porn. I don't know if anything involving the Hedgehog could be considered porn anyway. Certainly no more than the Discovery Channel.

As for the photos, they're pretty funny, if only because, well, Ron Jeremy is in them. Nothing, though, can compare to the time I saw him and Joey Buttafuoco appearing together on their friend Al Goldstein's NYC public-access TV show. Together I bet they've been kicked out of every restaurant along the Eastern seaboard.

How this guy carved out a decades-long career being paid to have sex with hot women is one of the most puzzling mysteries of modern times, along with me not puking after 12 shots and eight hot dogs on my 30th birthday and the pairing of a washed up Vince Neil and Heidi Mark.

Some of the better photos from Ronnie's collection include:

With Carrot Top | With Clarence Clemons | With Rodney Dangerfield

If you haven't wasted enough time at work yet, take a loot at Jeremy's credits on IMDB.com. Over 800 film appearances, for god's sake, including roles in Tales from the Crapper, 21 Hump Street, Good the Bad and the D-Cups, The Worst Porno Ever Made with the Best Sex and The Flintbones, which I swear I saw in college and was basically scarred by it for life.

Ronnie also starred as Enorm Peterson in Smeers, a parody of a certain Boston-based NBC comedy. Other characters in the film include Slam Malone and Crazier Brain.

Other Web Finds:

• Guy's Guys: The Top 10 Movie Icons — ESPN.com Page 3's list inspired by the passing of Marlon Brando, who checks in at No. 6. I would've had Dick Butkus at No. 1, but we've been over this like 100 times.

• What's Your Sexual Personality? — I got Tiger, which I guess is pretty good. The page is surrounded by about 1,000 XXX links, so watch out if you're viewing from work. If not, have fun.

• White Castle Hamburgers Recipe — Again, to completely mirror the experience, you must install bullet-proof glass in your kitchen. (Thanks, Cass)

• Michael Moore's Blog — He's had an active website for quite some time, but the controversial filmmaker finally has a blog. Funny how he's got a link to The Onion in a section called "Check out the real news..."

• You Don't Want My Ex — Tales of warning from jilted lovers.

• Play 20 Questions Against Your Computer — Choose your animal, mineral or vegetable and try to stump the program. I tried hedgehog and it guessed groundhog. Close enough!

This White Castle Movie Looks Like Crap

It's takes only about a week of reading this site to know that my favorite movie ever is Hamburger... The Motion Picture and that my favorite "restaurant" is White Castle. So when I saw a poster advertising a July 30 Hollywood release titled Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, I almost made a mess of myself.

I thought of all the box office records it would shatter. Move over, Titanic, there's a cashier behind bullet-proof glass straight ahead.

I don't know if that's how your White Castles are set up, but that's how it was in the Bronx, where I used to shuttle my teen-aged white friends from Westchester in my dad's Mercedes at 2 a.m. It wasn't just a hunger fix, it was an adventure. It's not like they installed bullet-proof glass because they thought it added to the decor.

Keep your eyes on your food. No sudden movements. And, for god's sake, don't ask to get buzzed into the prison-like bathroom area.

Anyway, back to the movie: it looks terrible. The flick's official website says HKGWC "follows two likeable underdogs who set out on a Friday night quest to satisfy their craving for White Castle hamburgers and end up on an epic journey of deep thoughts, deeper inhaling and a wild road trip as un-PC as it gets."

Take out the "White Castle" part, and it reads like 5,000 other movies I've refused to see. A couple of socially awkward young dudes get high and hit the road! No way! This has never been done before!

But the kicker is the trailer. That ubiquitous narrator tells us the movie stars "the Asian guy from American Pie and the Indian guy from Van Wilder." I didn't even know there was an Asian guy in American Pie. According to IMDB's credits page, he played "John, MILF Guy #2." Oh yeah, totally remember him. And I don't know any of the four people who saw Van Wilder, so Indian, Nicaraguan, Swedish or Irish, he ain't gonna get my to drop $10 on pot jokes that Cheech, Chong, Chappelle and Attell haven't thought of yet.

But we'll have to wait for the release and reviews for the true verdict. Nothing worse than people who say they haven't read Moneyball, and then tell you how bad it is. Someday I'll write a review on how fine a book it was.

Other Web Finds:

• Forbes' Best Cities for Singles — New York comes in eighth, even though it's at or very near the top of every criteria save Job Growth and Cost of Living Alone. So if you have a job and money, move here. Depends on what you're into, of course. If it's just getting drunk and getting laid, you can do that anywhere. Wanna be part of the capital of the world? Can't do it in Austin.

• Maxim's Survey of the Sexes — The sample size (3,000) is big enough to draw some kind of conclusion. The fun part is that all responses to questions are above 0%. So if you're into it, she's out there.

• Metal Sludge Exposed — The rock gossip site unveils embarrassing pictures of bands before they were famous. Examples: Motley Crue | Warrant | Avril Lavigne

• Football Kamasutra — Image gallery of soccer players in compromising positions. Each a Beat This Caption candidate. (Link found on Fleshbot)

• TIME's 50 Coolest Websites — It's hard to make an interesting "Best of Web" list these days, because great sites sure aren't popping up as frequently as they used to. (I wonder what's gonna be best auction site!) But you can typically pick up a new bookmark or two from any list this large.

• Stacked — Cheap plug for a friend's new blog. Smart boy who should do fine. Compared to PK.com: Expect less Milano and Spears, more Bush and Kerry. Less Yankees, more Pirates.

• Celebrating the Underblog — 2004 — Submit nominations for up to five blogs you feel deserve more exposure. Like mine and four others. (Link found on J-Mo)

The Greatest Regular-Season Game I've Ever Seen

Bottom of the 13th, Red Sox lead 4-3, two outs, bases empty, 1-1 count on Ruben Sierra, Miguel Cairo on deck, John Flaherty (the last remaining position player for New York) in the hole.

Single. Double. Single. Yankees win 5-4.

If that's all you saw, you missed a helluva game. (Log)

Luck? Curse? Check the photo. That's the "homo." That's the guy "with no range." That's the "overpaid" guy who's done more for Steinbrenner's bottom line than anyone on the team. That's our captain, four-time World Series champion Derek Jeter.

That's Jeter in the top of the 12th, two outs, runners at second and third, game tied 3-3, after catching a Trot Nixon pop-out at full speed just before diving into the stands. (Video) Time to retire those JETER SUCKS t-shirts, Boston, if common decency and any knowledge of baseball hasn't already rendered them unwearable.

More Sweep Notes:

• The Sox hit Yankees batters three times, including one from Pedro that was clearly designed for Gary Sheffield's back, and two more after a warning had been issued. Yet Jason Varitek looks back at Cairo after a clean, hard slide that broke up a double play. Gimme a break.

• Other than that, can't complain about the Sox. Manny does what he does: kill the Yanks at the plate. Same with David Ortiz, who I have a ton of respect for. Can a tough loss inspire a team to reach its full potential? I think Boston fans probably feel better about their team tonight than they have in a while. The Sox can't compete with the Yanks over 162 games. Nobody can. But they went the distance with a heavyweight, and if they nab that wild card and set themselves up in any postseason series with Schilling and Pedro starting multiple games, then you don't automatically advance the other team to the next round. Not the Angels, not the White Sox, not the Yankees.

• Yes, it's fun being a Yankees fan. If you watched this game, you'd know. I spoke with a few non-Yanks fans just minutes after this finish and they all had the same reaction: it was unbelievable.

New Yorkers, Circle Your Calendars for These Events

Is the Yankees' romp through the major leagues boring you? Have no fear, New Yorkers, there's more going on in this great city. Here are some things to do in the coming days and weeks:

July 4: Macy's Fourth of July Fireworks: It's just one of the holidays New York does best. New Year's Eve, Thanksgiving, St. Pat's, Christmas tree lightings and shopping. Can't beat this place.

July 9: The Paul Frankenstein Memorial Big Apple Blogger Bash: The title is a joke, as Paul F. is merely living in Hong Kong for the time being. Not sure yet if I want to dedicate a Friday night to drinking with bloggers whose sites I've never visited and whose writers have never read mine.

July 14: The International Dodgeball Tournament of Champions: Held just four blocks from my apartment at a high school where there was a shooting in 2002, this event promises to have a higher nerd quotient than even the Blogger Bash, if that's possible. (Thanks, Lenore, for the link)

July 23: NYCBP.com Booze Cruise: It's another three-hour tour aboard the Half Moon, affectionately know by me as the Floating Lawsuit, but it's a good boat run by some cool people. See photos from the last excursion.

Sept 17: Harpoontang Live Album Recording: This is just the first of many, many mentions I will make of this event, which will make rock 'n' roll history on Manhattan's Upper East Side as Tequila Dave's gang of extortionists and drug dealers rock out to Tell Your Husband; See if I Care, Do-Able Mommies and I Wanna Fuck You; You Wanna Fuck Me.

Coming Soon: Pieces of Ass An off-Broadway show that "features a series of original monologues from a rotating cast of beautiful women, all dealing with themes uniquely common to the physically blessed female; the perks and privileges, the problems and pressures." Problems and pressures? Like having men kiss your ass and pay for your nights out? Puh-leaze. Regarding the show's pictures page, is that Brooke Burke in the second row, second photo from the left?

Other New York Links:

• Red Rock West Photos — Bartender/superstar Tracy has been working hard on this site, so show some love and check out the party pics from the biker joint at 17th Street and 10th Avenue.

• New York City Tid-Bits — Did you know that Macy's is the world's largest store, with over 2.1 million square feet of space? That Manhattan's widest point is only 2.3 miles? That Brooklyn and Queens both have more residents than Manhattan? That there are 4,373 city buses and 468 subway stations in New York?