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The Official PK.com All-Time Oscars Nominees

Nominations have been released for the 76th annual Academy Awards (to be telecast Sunday, Feb. 29), and once again I have seen absolutely none of the movies mentioned. But that does not mean I don't know my cinematic history.

From now until Friday, Feb. 27, when I will announce the winners, I am asking you to cast your votes in the comments area for the PK.com all-time Oscars. Your categories and nominations are as follows:

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
• Kareen Abdul-Jabbar, Airplane! — You tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes.
• John Cazale, The Godfather Part II — May have played the only character in the trilogy with a heart, and still Fredo tried to kill his brother. I knew it was him.
• Billy Jayne, Just One of the Guys — Remember when Buddy offered to "do the dishes" and simply knocked the pizza crumbs off the plate into the garbage? I adopted that technique for years.
• Randy Quaid, National Lampoon's Vacation — Eddie made real tomato ketchup and gave some great gifts, like white shoes for Clark and French kisses for his daughter.
• Pete Vuckovich, Major League — Portraying Yankees slugger Clew Haywood, the former real-life Milwaukee Brewers pitcher hit one to South America. Which is how it should be with the Yankees.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
• Renee Blaine, The Shawshank Redemption — One of the few women with bit parts in a great movie, she had the best role: getting shot in the sack as Andy Dufresne's cheating wife.
• Christie Brinkley, National Lampoon's Vacation — May be the hottest celebrity who never took her clothes off for a movie role or Playboy.
• Randi Brooks, Hamburger: The Motion Picture — Played the ravishing Mrs. Vunk, who had an affinity for spicy chicken balls.
• Cindy Morgan, Caddyshack — I was born to love Lacey Underall. I was born to lick Lacey Underall's face. I was born to rub Lacey Underall. But Lacey Underall was born to rub me first.
• Vickie Reigle, The Cannonball Run — Jamie Farr was so mezmerized by this waitress on roller skates that he ordered two milks. Twenty-two years later, I'm still making jokes like that in restaurants.

BEST ORIGINAL SONG
• Gonna Fly Now, Rocky — Try playing this shit on your iPod when on a treadmill. It's great.
• Nerds Rap, Revenge of the Nerds — Poindexter was on the violin. Louis and Gilbert joined in. We thought we'd seen it all. Then came a Lambda four foot tall!
• Rainbow Connection, The Muppet Movie — No one crooned with a banjo quite like Kermit the Frog. Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers and me.
• Shama Lama Ding Dong, Animal House — It put the ooh mou mou, oh oh oh oh back into my smile, child!
• You're the Best Around, The Karate Kid — So what if it's the cheesiest song ever sung by someone other than Survivor. You got a problem with that, Mr. Lawrence?

BEST ACTOR
• Dick Butkus, Hamburger: The Motion Picture — As Drill Sgt. Ben Drewton, Butkus delivered perhaps the finest acting performance ever by a former Chicago Bears middle linebacker.
• Rodney Dangerfield, Back to School — Taught us all what college is about: hot tubs, macking professors and preferential treatment toward the wealthy.
• Matt Dillon, The Outsiders — No one starts a rumble without him. We're gonna do it for Johnny, man. We're gonna do it for Johnny!
• Eddie Murphy, Coming to America — For his quadruple performance of Prince Akeem, Clarence, Saul and Randy Watson (Jackson Heights' own, whom you may know as Joe the Policeman from the "What's Going Down?" episode of That's My Mama)
• Christopher Walken, The Deer Hunter — I think I crapped my pants the first time I saw the POW Russian Roulette scene.

BEST ACTRESS
• Paris Hilton, The Paris Hilton Sex Video — Her portrayal of a young, rich woman who really didn't know how to handle Mr. Jackhammer's equipment ignited an Internet search frenzy.
• Aylssa Milano, Embrace of the Vampire — I haven't seen the whole movie, but I have caught some parts — the good parts — on the Internet.
• Julia Montgomery, Revenge of the Nerds — Betty Childs of the Pi-Delta-Pi sorority made me really, really look forward to attending college.
• Sharon Stone, Basic Instinct — I love a woman who is not afraid to take charge. I could do without the ice pick, though.
• Shannon Tweed, Hot Dog... The Movie — I was about 15 when I was watching HBO late one night and she said, "First, we're gonna take our clothes off, and then we're gonna fuck." Well, I don't have to tell you that the next day I demanded that my parents cancel our cable subscription and get that smut of of our home.

BEST MOTION PICTURE
• Back to School — Not even a dreadful performance by Keith Gordon as Jason Melon could keep this off any list of all-time classics. Was Ralph Macchio busy or something?
• Dumb & Dumber — The odds of this winning Best Motion Picture are one in a million. So I'm saying it has a chance.
• Fast Times at Ridgemont High — The fact that Robert Romanus, who played Mike Damone, isn't among the nominees for Best Supporting Actor shows how strong that category is.
• Hamburger: The Motion Picture — There have been other rauchy comedies about fast-food colleges, but this one was definitely the best.
• Revenge of the Nerds — Booger, Ogre, Takashi, Wormser ... and Ted McGinley! What didn't this movie have?

NFL Preview and Pick: Super Bowl XXXVIII

A couple of days ago, I lamented that this is a pretty bland Super Bowl matchup, but make no mistake: the two best (if not the most interesting) reps from each conference are in Houston.

The Patriots beat the AFC's best competition, the Titans and Colts, by a total of 13 points, not an astounding number, but good enough. The Panthers dominated Dallas before winning on the road against the Rams and Eagles, who established themselves as NFC powers virtually all season long. They may have caught a couple of breaks, too, with Mike Martz's questionable game management and Donovan McNabb's injury.

Throughout the year, the AFC positioned itself as the more dominant conference, and I felt that the Super Bowl champion was crowned when New England finished off Indianapolis. Nothing occurred in the NFC title game that changed my mind. The Panthers have a better running game than do the Patriots, but it's a running game that won't be measured against New England's counterpart unit, but rather its defense. In all other phases of the game, save punting, I see New England as stronger.

Only four times in the past 37 Super Bowls has the underdog lost but covered the spread. Nine times it won outright, and once there was a tie. Thus, 23 times the favorite won and covered. I think we're headed for No. 24.

(One trend that does go against my pick is that Troy Brown of the Patriots lost to Steve Smith of the Panthers in the annual pre-Super Bowl video game contest. In the last eight years, the winner of the video game has gone on to win the Super Bowl. ESPN.com's Bill Simmons has a hilarious recap of that development.)

Spread: New England by 7
Paul's Pick: Patriots 27, Panthers 17

Last Round Against the Spread: 1-1
Total Playoffs Against the Spread: 7-3

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Here are some other bets to consider:

• Number of beers I will drink: over/under 9

• Percentage of viewers who will be saddened when finding out that the team of Mike Patrick, Joe Theismann and Paul McGuire won't be announcing the game: over/under 0

• Number of bottles thrown at the screen when TV cameras find Roger Clemens in the stands: over/under - 12

• Number of times CBS will show video of Phil Simms' superhuman performance (22-for-25, 268 yards, 3 TDs, 0 INT) in Super Bowl XXI: over/under - not enough

• Odds that Drew Bledsoe and Lawyer Milloy will watch more than half the game: 5/1

• Percentage of straight male Patriots fans who will cringe every time a female mentions how hot Tom Brady is: over/under 100

• Seconds it will take me to puke if a member of the Patriots, a team playing in its seventh straight game as a favorite, bemoans not getting enough respect: over/under 4

Confessions of a Car Salesman

Being a Manhattan resident for almost nine years, I care as much about cars as I do about hunting. To me, a V8 is a gross tomato drink. But I love a good story about someone hustling for a buck; mostly to see how they negotiate personal guilt along with the sale. So I was intrigued by Edmunds.com's inside story, "Confessions of a Car Salesman," that appeared on Blogdex this week, months after the story was published.

The premise is that one of the site's writers was to infiltrate the car-sales industry by working for two dealers, one high-pressure and one strictly no-haggle. The result is a monstrous piece of work that details every step of the hustle.

The unidentified author started in a high-pressure sales position. What with the scripted humor ("Last time I was just looking, I ended up getting married"), the racial stereotypes (Asians were considered "completely impossible" hard bargainers) and the board that embarrassed under-performing salesman by listing names of those who hadn't closed a deal in three days, I couldn't get Glengarry Glen Ross out of my head. I was looking for Shelley "The Machine" Levene's byline at the end.

Car salesmen spend their days waiting for "ups," taking their turns at customers who drive into the lot. They execute the handshake the proper way (three pumps, pull forward a bit) and deal with the customer's biggest fear, that they will fall in love with a car and not think clearly about the finances.

How do you get people to spend more than they want? Add "up to?" to any answer. So if a customer says he wants to spend $400 a month, the salesperson replies, "Up to...?" Now you've got $450, and that's what gets written down in "first pencil," the bullshit numbers that will get marked down to something lower and uneven (i.e., $423, so it doesn't look made up) when the salesperson has "an idea" or "remembers" a rebate or special interest rate program.

At the no-haggle dealership, the author was able to focus more on the customers' needs, but didn't make as much money. Car sales, it seems, is business as usual.

If you can't get through the whole report, you can view the Car-Buying Concepts on the final page, a summary of key points from the article. To protect yourself as a consumer, arm yourself with knowledge. Again, business as usual.

Other News Links:

• Clinton Sent Only Two E-mails as Prez — Maybe from his official address, but I want to see records of arkansas_9inches@hotmail.com.

• Long John Silver's Set to Capitalize on Mars Exploration — Free giant shrimp (oxymoron, anyone?) if NASA finds conclusive evidence of an ocean on Mars. They could give away free sex with Alyssa Milano and I still wouldn't eat in a Long John Silver's.

• Several Firefighters Quit Over Co-Worker's Porn Career — She must've declined to give free access to her webiste.

• John Stossel's Top 10 Myths Fueled by the Media — Remember when this 20/20 reporter got smacked up by Hulk Hogan (corrected) "Dr. D" David Schultz a few years back? He's all better now.

• The Great Paving — Fortune remembers Dwight D. Eisenhower's greatest legacy (after kicking Hitler's ass): the Interstate Highway System that helped create the modern economy. (Thanks, Art)

• The McDonald's Project — A New York man tests his body against the effects of a steady diet of McDonald's. The results are — shocker! — not healthy.

Meanwhile in Philly ... It's Wing Bowl XII

When it comes to the Super Bowl, Philadelphians live by a simple creed: If you can't beat 'em, eat 'em. Three straight loses in the NFC championship game by the Eagles will not halt proceedings at the annual eating contest known as the Wing Bowl, held every January on the Friday before the Super Bowl.

How proud Ben Franklin would be of Bill "El Wingador" Simmons, whose stomach is begging for mercy as he seeks an unprecedented fifth championship. Not to be confused with the Bill Simmons who writes for ESPN.com, this Simmons' talent lies not in quoting every line from Beverly Hills 90210 but in eating 154 chicken wings in 30 minutes — roughly one wing every 12 seconds for a half-hour — to win last year's title.

But El Wingador will feel no brotherly love from these dominators of the digestive tract. Presenting the challengers:

• Ed Jarvis, who ate seven pounds of watermelon (video)

• Krazy Kevin, who ate two pounds of brussel sprouts in three minutes (video)

• Tefkac, who ate three pounds of bologna in 12 minutes (video)

• Hank the Tank, who ate three pounds of chicken in nine minutes (video)

• Yao Bling, who ate one pound of fish eggs to qualify ... and pulled out a cell phone to celebrate (video)

And let's not forget 5-foot-5, 100-pound Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas, who started eating as a sport while managing a Burger King and set a women's record by eating 25 Nathan's hot dogs on July 4. Which beat my Gray's Papaya record by 17, set exactly 11 months ago on my 30th birthday. To be fair, I was too drunk to see straight and I should get points for having kept them down.

(Thanks to my friend Scott for the link. If anyone else has web finds related to gluttony, chicken carcass drenched in hot sauce or anything having to do with a man chugging fish eggs, please let me know.)

Other Web Finds

• Miss Desert Sun Contest Photos — At the bottom of the splash page, check out the two dudes in the center of a bevy of hot women. How long do you think it was before they excused themselves to go to the bathroom?

• Bud Light's Real Men of Genius Radio Ads — An awesome collection of the hilarious Bud Light tributes to such men as "Mr. Bowling Shoe Giver Outer," "Mr. Silent Killer Gas Passer" and "Mr. Driving Range Ball Picker Upper." The TV spot I always find myself singing is "Mr. Way Too Much Cologne Wearer." Everywhere a splish splash! (Link found on ApeChild.com)

• MileHighClub.com — Everything you ever wanted to know — including true tales from the skies — about having uncomfortable, unsatisfying sex while hundreds of people snore around you. Or even better, in the lavatory, where people pee all over the place when the flight gets bumpy.

• Sex Week at Yale — This "celebration of sex and sexuality" is defined as "an interdisciplinary sex education program designed to peak students' interests through creative, interactive, and exciting programming." Hmm, this is weird, but I'm not aroused yet. Why do I get the feeling one could learn more about sexuality at an Arizona State block party?

Less Than One Week to Go Till Super Bowl ZZZ

Is it just me, or does anyone else feel like the NFL season is already over? Here we are on the brink of the American sporting world's biggest party, and I keep thinking, Damn, Peyton Manning vs. Donovan McNabb would have been great. Too bad there's no good football left till the fall. Seriously, I looked forward to the New York/New Jersey Hitmen and the Las Vegas Outlaws kicking off the XFL more than Panthers-Patriots on Sunday.

I'm telling you, if none of these guys gets arrested for picking up a hooker the night before the game, as did Falcons safety Eugene Robinson in 1999, I don't know what's gonna get me through seven hours of pre-game programming. Maybe CBS will air the latest Ice Wars or something.

Man, what the hell happened to the great game of football? We've got Joe Namath checking into rehab, Lawrence Taylor crying on 60 Minutes, William "The Refrigerator" Perry quitting after only four hot dogs in an eating contest and losing to Manute Bol in Celebrity Boxing. We could have had Manning and McNabb dueling for their first rings with Rush Limbaugh on suicide watch, a heavy-hearted Brett Favre, a guaranteed cry from Dick Vermeil, even more stupifying game management from Mike Martz, Steve McNair being held together by duct tape. Instead we got a sequel to the 2001 Patriots, which is about as popular nationwide as would be Gigli 2, and the Panthers, whose only All-Pro is DT Kris Jenkins. Who apparently plays football for the Panthers.

It's Super Bowl ZZZ, sponsored by No-Doz!

Today's Sports Links:

• Boone Injures Knee, Could Miss '04 — His ALCS Game 7 heroics prevent me from saying this could be a blessing in disguise for the Yanks. So I won't say it.

• The Madden Authority War Room — Tips and tricks for succeeding in the Madden 2004 video game. And if anyone can break down these schemes to where I don't have to memorize the tiniest minutiae of the game, let me know.

• Companies Lose $821 Million in Lost Productivity During Super Bowl Week — This study is based on the average employee spending 10 minutes per work day talking about the Super Bowl. Which is nine minutes more a day than I have talked about it.

• The Greatest Super Bowl Subs — Among the standard Super Bowl lists (greatest moments, players, goats), ESPN.com comes up with something a little more interesting: players who got little opportunity in the regular season but shined in the big game.

• Top Five QB Super Bowl Disasters — Joe Concha's list not of single-moment goats but of all-time worst full games. I'd forgotten how inept Kerry Collins was against the Ravens. But he wasn't the only one to have done that.

Beat This Caption: Break-Dancing for the Pope

"Pope John Paul II takes notes during an audition for Breakin' 3: Electric Catholicism, which the 83-year-old pontiff expects to 'put a cap in the ass' of sinners and raise the Virgin Mary's street cred."

(To beat this caption, click "Post a Comment" below.)

See CNN story: Papal Blessing for Break-Dancers

AZ Kicks Out Blogger Bash 2004! NYC Businesses Offically Recovered!

When I arrived at AZ for Friday night's 2004 Big Apple Bloger Bash, I knew immediately that I was in the right place. Fifty or so so mostly socially awkward people with nametags were congregated in the lounge area that was plenty big enough to hold us. I slapped on my sticker hoping to not experience a repeat of last year, when a woman recognized the URL on my tag, said, "You signed my guestbook," and walked away.

My real-life buddy Mike went to get drinks and reported that he was refused service at the bar, that everything in the lounge was to be put on one tab. Um yeah, like I'd ever put my had into that ring of certain fire. So I went to the bar myself, and despite wearing a nametag that identified me as part of this nerdfest, I was able to purchase a rum and coke and a Heineken for the low, low price of $16. Next to me at the bar were two girls whose noses couldn't be higher in the air if you hit them with an uppercut. They were asking each other what was going on. "It looks like some kind of convention," one said. Neither asked me, who obviously knew the answer. Guess they thought it would have been better to incorrectly assume.

I went back into the lounge, then back out, then was intercepted coming back. I engaged in this conversation with a hostess with mocha skin and long, straight black hair pulled back:

Hostess: You can't go back in there with drinks.
Me: My friend was saying something about that. You're putting everything on one tab for fifty people?
Hostess: That's right.
Me: Well, whose credit card do you have?
Hostess: I guess you'll just have to figure that out for yourselves.

She then strutted away — perhaps the pole stuck up her ass needed to be adjusted — so I didn't get to deliver my follow-up question about who it was she thought she was talking to.

When the crowd reached about 75 — all of whom fit comfortably in the lounge, where we sat and stood and chatted ... like people do in a lounge — AZ not only refused service, but refused to allow people in the front door, claiming they had reached capacity. They hadn't, trust me. So instead of allowing people to come in from the bitter cold to meet people whose phone numbers they did not know, AZ sent them home on a Friday night to look up contact info for the Better Business Bureau.

Someone heard an AZ staffer whine, "They didn't tell us they were coming." That would have been a courtesy, I guess, but considering none of us was complaining about the size of the space or the wait for drinks (when we weren't flat-out refused), it wasn't a necessity. So they wanted us out because of image. Whatever thousands of dollars the group would have spent there was inconsequential to their bottom line, which was to protect their rep. And in the process, AZ managed to carve out a reputation among 100 or so writers and their readers as a New York business who leaves its neighbors out in the cold and kicks them out for lounging in a lounge. A big Al Goldstein-style "Fuck You" goes out to them. May they succeed in serving only people who match their image: obnoxious and classless, no matter how overpriced the drinks.

And I'm not sure, but I think I saw a big rat scurry across the floor before we left.

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The group moved to Siberia, a punkish, rockish dive in Hell's Kitchen that was more than happy to serve our large group with $4 domestic beers. And we didn't even tell them we were coming!

As for the party itself, it was a good time. I had some back-up this year with five or so real-life friends, so there was no awkwardness, even though almost no one there reads my blog, and I don't read theirs. The fun parts were going through the RSVP list of bloggers with my friend to see if any hot chicks were gonna be there, and hearing a lesbian ask another friend, "Are you gonna bend over so I can fuck you in the ass with my strap-on?" You don't really hear that every day.

Other Accounts From the Party:

• Stephanie Klein — Just-met UWS neighbor recounts her experience in the downstairs rock club at Siberia.

• Gothamist — Leads off with a picture of my friend Kevin. Actually, it's his back, as he was the only whore to wear a t-shirt with his URL on it. The Gothamist is a cool site, like Gawker, but without the smart-ass.

• RachelleB — A few photos from the Nerd Party. Her words, not mine. I wrote nerdfest.

• PhilosophicalKarl — Not all that philosophical of a recap. But it counts.

• LornaGrl — Says she got charged $18 for a drink at AZ. Girl, what the hell did you order?

• Daniella's Misadventures — She had a lovely time. Not at AZ. The place sucks.

• Pepper of the Earth — Writes, "To be fair, it is against bar drinkiquette to show up en masse without letting them know you’re coming in, but you know something? If you run a bar, you learn to roll with it."

• No Apologies — Belle says she wasn't feeling social but had a good time anyway.

• Laid-Off Dad — Writes, "It was never our intention to imply that AZ has let its success as a highly acclaimed, three-star eatery warp its employees into a bunch of arrogant, scornful jagoffs."

• Ken Goldstein — A blog I actually read. Ken's a good guy, even for a Mets Mariners fan.

• Rickey.org — Includes some pictures.

• Amy's New York Notebook — Links to places where you can post a review of AZ. Allow me to suggest some words for inclusion: rude, dishonest (capacity? um, no), leaks, rats, roaches.

• Paul Frankenstein — Photos from the event organizer. Thanks, Paul.

The Howard Dean Experience: It's a Scream!

Dr. David Banner never underwent an emotional metamorphosis quite like Howard Dean did Monday night after he finished a disappointing third in trying to convince Iowans to share his vision on how to run the most powerful country in the world. It wasn't over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor, and it ain't over now for the Dean camp, not according to this post-caucus address:

"Not only are we going to New Hampshire, we're going to South Carolina(!) and Oklahoma(!) and Arizona(!) and North Dakota(!) and New Mexico(!). And we're going to California(!) and Texas(!) and New York! And we're going to South Dakota(!) and Oregon(!) and Washington(!) and Michigan!!! And then we're going to Washington, D.C. To take back the White House! Yeaeeeaaaaah!"

Al Gore he ain't. But give this guy points for originality. He's saying things that haven't been said for years. I mean, when was the last time someone was this psyched to go to South Dakota?

I haven't watched The Daily Show since this happened, but I imagine their writers woke up Tuesday and felt like it was Christmas morning.

Far be it from the Internet community to let a little anger dis-management go unnoticed. Here are some interesting links related to the passionate Democratic presidential psycho hopeful.

• Remixers Make Howard Dean's Scream Funky and Danceable — An MTV.com story that includes downloadable audio clips of the Dean Scream remixes that are making their way around cyberspace.

• Dean RetrAction Figure T-Shirt Design — Nine retractable statements! Push-button anger! Low orders prompted the cancellation of the shirt, but that was before Monday night, so maybe the demand will rise. Can I get a yeaeeeaaaaah!?

• Cartoon: We're Going to the Mall! Then to Dinner! — What happens when dad watches too many Howard Dean rallies.

• Lyrics to 'Yell Like Howard Dean' — Sung to the tune of "Yellow Submarine."

• Howard Dean's Very Bad Night — Slate's Chris Suellentrop on why Dean's campaign flopped in Iowa. (This was before Dean's proposed invasion of Oregon.)

• Dean Delivers Top 10 List on Letterman — No. 1 on the list of ways he can turn it around: "Oh, I don't know — maybe fewer crazy, red-faced rants."

• Howard Dean Brings Back Bad Memories — In an interesting op-ed in the London Telegraph, Janet Daley writes that the Dean campaign is only the latest incarnation of 1960s nostalgia. Speaking of the tumultuous time, she writes, "Well, believe me, it was not fun. At least not for more than a moment." She continues, "Hating your own country may be invigorating in that initial brief ecstasy of collective rebellion. After that, it is just ugly."

WTF Moment: Hugh Grant Buys Side Order of Skank

Today we begin a new series titled What the Fuck?! Moments, a look back at some of the most foolish decisions of all time. He who ignores history is doomed to repeat it, so for the love of God, learn from these mistakes...

We lead off with the dumbest mistake ever made by a man with a penis.

On most nights in the first half of the 1990s, Hugh Grant shacked up with long-time girlfriend Liz Hurley, one of the hottest women on the planet. But on June 27, 1995, Grant spent his night in a Los Angeles jail, after being caught receiving oral sex from fugly streetwalker Divine Brown in a rented BMW. The cost: $20, which last afforded a good hummer around 1961.

Amazingly, Hurley stuck with Grant — ignoring my incessant proposals — up until their break-up in 2000 after 13 years of love, devotion and trolling the streets for crack whores. Even more incredible: it was the greatest thing that ever happened to Jay Leno.

After the embarrassing incident, Grant gave Leno an exclusive interview on his talk show, and the spot vaulted The Tonight Show to the top of the ratings heap, where it remains today. David Letterman would be wise to slip Brad Pitt a couple of Andrew Jacksons. Inflation, ya know.

WTF Score: 99 our of 100. If not for the low price, this would get a perfect score.

E-mail Paul with your WTFM suggestions.

Remembering the WWF's Jive Soul Bros

Some time ago a PK.com reader asked me to dig up some WWF trivia — may have been Sable's boob size; I don't recall. Anyway, I stumbled upon this list of current and past WWF "stables," groups of men in leather boots and Speedos who gang up on other guys in masks and singlets. Kinda like the Democrats vs. the Republicans, only with mullets instead of helmet hair.

One of the factions that was in existence from 1988-91 was The Jive Soul Bros, a stable managed by Slick (pictured) that included The Big Boss Man, Akeem, Butch Reed, The Iron Shiek, Paul Roma, Hercules, The Warlord, Nikolai Volkoff, Boris Zukoff and Rick Martel.

Talk about a dream team. You had an African-American leading an Italian, a Iranian, a couple of Russians, a Canadian, a character out of Roman mythology and The Big Boss Man, who was from New Jersey and had tattoos sketched on his bald head. And they all had soul! Because of Slick!

Slick was obviously a great ambassador of diversity. And I guess it was in the name of diversity that Slick posed for that photo in a yellow fly-guy hat and a bucket of fried chicken. The image is a little grainy, so I can't determine whether it was original recipe or extra crispy.

Other Sports Links:

• Playboy.com Interviews WWF's Stacy Keibler — I gotta say, the questions, the answers and the pictures are a little disappointing. But I'll let you judge for yourself.

• Hey Pats, Stop Bitching About Lack of Respect — The New York Post's Mike Vaccaro writes that New England can stop complaining about an alleged lack of respect when most people expected them to beat the Titans, the Colts and now the Panthers.

• Body-Painted Soccer Cheerleaders — Go U.S.A., indeed. I've got Sweden coming in second, for two obvious reasons.

• Blood Alcohol Content Leader Board — BadJocks.com keeps track of the BAC levels for drunken athletes. Golfer Andrew Pointon hold the record at 0.36%, four-and-a-half times the U.K. legal limit.

• 19-Year-Old Wins $50,000 Madden Challenge — All you have to do to be this good is practice 4-6 hours a day. Dad says it's no big deal. I thought all kids that age were downloading porn in their dorm rooms. Maybe that's for the other 18-20 hours.

• My Own Private Cooperstown — Slate's Tom Scocca surveys the accolades bestowed upon major league heroes on baseball-reference.com's sponsored player pages. Nick Esasky's sponsor writes, "Anyone who mocks him as a 'free agent bust' doesn't understand the seriousness of vertigo — imagine trying to hit a 95 mph fastball immediately after being spun around the teacup ride at the fair. God bless you, Nick."

• Top Five NFL Playoff Goats of All Time — Joe Concha's latest on MSNBC.com. From a Giants-fan perspective, one went our way and one didn't.

• MurphGuide.com's Locker Room Chatter — Sports ruminations on one of my favorite local sites. Don't click if you're Robin Yount and don't want to hear how you don't belong in the Hall of Fame.

Play the State of the Union Address Drinking Game

I can't believe anyone would gather with friends and brews to watch President Bush speak, and getting wasted alone is like scoring a hole-in-one on a deserted golf course, but a State of the Union drinking game has been outlined for your liver's displeasure.

Beginning at 9 p.m. Eastern, when Dubya commences his recap of what everyone knows — the whole world hates us — you (the drunk) are expected to swig once for each mention of “men and women in/of our armed forces” (adding one each time the phrase is preceded by "brave"), twice for any reference to "bipartisan" or "bipartisanship" (could probably add "fantasy" to that one) and three times for every instance of the word "deficit." Might as well add "rimjob" to that last one. Each has the same chance of being spoken of.

FOXNews.com, Bush's other official re-election site, has an interesting article on how "Lobbyists Await Mention in State of Union Address." I imagine being a Washington lobbyist is like being an L.A. talent agent, only with less sincerety. Good luck to the American Bankers Association in getting Bush to discuss the importance of savings accounts. Seems like a worthwhile cause, what with that job market kicking ass and the tons of money people have flowing out of cookie jars.

C-SPAN's website has transcripts of every State of the Union Address since Harry S. Truman delivered his in 1945, a day after Franklin Delano Roosevelt was laid to rest. Harry said, "The armies of liberation today are bringing to an end Hitler's ghastly threat to dominate the world. Tokyo rocks under the weight of our bombs." Those were heavy times, man. Especially if you were Nazi-groupie Eva Braun, seeing your sexy man Hitler's reign come to an end. Must've done wonders for their sex lives.

Enjoy the speech, everyone! Wake me when it's over!

Other Web Finds:

• 100 Most Often Misspelled Words — I thought it was hilarious around the turn of the millennium, when like nobody knew there were two n's in it. The words I have difficulty with now are Manny and Ramirez. I keep spelling them a-s-s-h-o-l-e.

• Photos of Ft. Lauderdale's Trapeze Club for Swingers — Ever wanted to see what's on the buffet in one of these places? Now's your chance!

• Stuff's 39th and Sixth Winners — Five regional winners live their dreams — to add to the world's online masturbation material.

• Website Mixmaster — Choose any two websites, one for content and one for layout, and see the Reese's peanut butter-cup like results. You got your al-Jazeera in my Onion!

• Buy Tickets to Playboy's Super Bowl Party — Only $2,000, and you get to watch the Panthers! I hear Wilt Chamberlain scored an NBA record 534 "points" at just 10 of these.

• Porn Star Selena Silver's "Adult Jobs I Want" Page — A detailed "services offered" page delightfully broken out into such sections as "Sex Acts I Do," "Pre-Shoot Requirements" and "My Rates." According to the rate card, there's a $200 premium on anal. Which, according to Andy Dick, is the going rate.

Manned Mission to Mars: Worth $120 Billion?

Last week, President Bush proposed a space plan that included manned missions to the moon and Mars between 2015 and 2020. The cost by 2020: only $120 billion, or about as much as the Mets wasted on Mo Vaughn.

I don't know about you, but I was more excited when the Yankees made it to the World Series last October than when the Spirit Rover made it to Mars and sent back the highest-resolution panoramic photo ever of the Red Planet, which bears a distinct resemblance to Arizona. I swear I keep looking out for a lonesome hot dog truck. It's dazzling and all, but the Joy of Painting guy gave us some good shit, too.

There's been a lot of debate about whether manned space exploration is the wisest expenditure of 12-figure funds, but it's interesting to note that the Apollo program of the 1960s and early 1970s cost $150 billion to $175 billion in 2003 dollars. I don't know many who think the initial space race was a waste of time, even though the benefits were almost exclusively political. And so, too, seems the reason for being the first to Mars: politics. Divided by 250 million Americans, a $120 billion price tag in 2020 comes to $480 a person, not much higher than the 2003 $300 tax credit Bush detractors thought was a drop in the bucket.

If a Mars mission inspires people, even subliminally, to reach a little higher than they thought possible, then maybe it's worth it. Would be nice if someone else shared the bill, though. But then they couldn't call the U.S. arrogant.

Mars Links:

• 'Get Your War On' Mars Cartoon — My favorite political strip shows characters arguing the value of manned space missions. Asks one man, "Who are we fighting on Mars? Wait, lemme guess — TERRORISTS."

• Why We Shouldn't Go To Mars — Gregg Easterbrook writes in TIME that a manned mission to Mars does not yet make technological sense. He also argues: "If Mars proponents want to raise $600 billion privately and stage their own expedition, more power to them; many of the great expeditions of the past were privately mounted. If Mars proponents expect taxpayers to foot their bill, then they must make their case against the many other competing needs for money. And against the needs for health care, education, poverty reduction, reinforcement of the military and reduction of the federal deficit, the case for vast expenditures to go to Mars using current technology is very weak."

• 61% of Americans Oppose Bush Space Plan — Even among members of Mr Bush's own Republican Party, 48 percent opposed the plan.

• Surviving a Trip to Mars — Newsday details the logistical and health-related hurdles of such a voyage.

The 25 Greatest Athletes of the Last 25 Years

As part of ESPN's quarter-century anniversary — a.k.a. 25 Years of Dick Vitale Moaning About the Possession Arrow — ESPN.com's SportsNation is asking fans to rank, in order, their 25 nominations for the greatest athlete of the last 25 years.

Following is my ranking of the top 10. Feel free to agree with them or kiss my ass post your comments below.

10. Barry Sanders, football: In a sport populated by men with freakish physical abilities, he never failed to stand out. Football looked a little less vicious when he was running with the ball, but wind was never really a hard hitter. He enjoyed an entire career of getting tripped up, if touched at all.

9. Magic Johnson, basketball: Five titles in the 1980s. He could do everything: put the ball in the hoop, put the ball on the floor, put people in the seats, put your name in the NBA champions registry.

8. Carl Lewis, track & field: Among his nine Olympic gold medals are four in the long jump. I can't even win four straight games of Madden 2004. One of the few track athletes with rock-star status. Unfortunately, he's one shitty singer.

7. Martina Navratilova, tennis: She won every possible title (singles, women's doubles, mixed doubles) from the four Grand Slam tournaments, dominating on every surface but the moon's. Counting only the Australian Open, Wimbledon, the French Open and the U.S. Open, Martina owns 58 titles. WTF!

6. Joe Montana, football: Oh, but he had Jerry Rice! Oh, but if you got under center in the Super Bowl, you would throw up on yourself! In four Super Bowls, Montana went 4-0, threw for 11 TDs with no interceptions, had a 127.8 QB rating and took home three game MVP awards.

5. Barry Bonds, baseball: With six MVPs (including three straight) and no rings, he might go down as the best player in any sport to never win a championship.

4. Jerry Rice, football: Do you realize he's played in 28 postseason games? (With 2,245 yards and 21 TDs.) The NFL's all-time leader in anything having to do with a yard or a touchdown played the relative equivalent of two full seasons in the playoffs. Only Marvin Harrison poses a threat to any of his marks of 1,519 receptions, 22,466 yards receiving and 204 total TDs. And Harrison is only about half-way (759) to the receptions record through eight seasons at 31 years of age.

3. Tiger Woods, golf: In his worst season as a pro, he was named Player of the Year for the fifth straight time. Read that sentence again.

2. Michael Jordan, basketball: Was terrific at everything, but wasn't the greatest at anything, not even winning. Bill Russell has 11 rings, compared to Jordan's six. Shaq already has three and Tim Duncan two, and those two present to each other more competition than Jordan faced in the '90s. He was also a bit prickly for my tastes. And the failed baseball stint, gambling rumors, lackluster Wizards comeback, marital issues, and reports that he wasn't always the best teammate are enough to drop him a notch below...

1. Wayne Gretzky, hockey: He set the standard for what sports could be, in every way possible. His stats include four Stanley Cups, eight straight MVPs and an ungodly amount of goals and points. Yet the whole is still greater than the sum of its parts.

Other Greatest-Athlete Lists:

• ESPN's Eric Neel's List — He's got Lance Armstrong No.1. You're either on the Lance Train or you're not, and I am not. I'll consider cyclists for "greatest" lists when people take time out to watch it or friends actually discuss it. Until that happens, it's just, "Is the American still winning? Good."

• ESPN's SportsCentury — The official ranking from 1999. Tied to some of the best sports documentaries on TV. I've said before that Michael Jordan won't have the same caché 60 years from now as Babe Ruth does now.

Beat This Caption: Konishiki Seated With Wife

"Sumo champion Konishiki, a native of Indianapolis, does his best to help the Colts this weekend by eating the New England Patriots."

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NFL Playoff Preview and Picks: Conference Championship Round

Last weekend promised to be the most exciting one of the NFL season, and it did not disappoint, with all four underdogs covering and two winning outright. We didn't need any clowns pulling cell phones out of goalposts, no pregame soliloquies from Ray Lewis on the war-like mentality of football, no tash-talk sound bites from Shannon Sharpe, not even a peep from Warren Sapp.

To the right are the faces of the NFL playoffs so far: the four quarterbacks who have done their talking on the field. They are playmakers, but Playmakers this ain't.

Sunday's games:

INDIANAPOLIS (14-4) at NEW ENGLAND (15-2), 3 p.m. ET, CBS
The weather in Foxboro, Mass., is expected to be 31 degrees under partly cloudy skies. Is that extreme enough to limit Peyton Manning's throwing ability or freeze out the Colts in general? I don't think so. The Colts aren't the first team to give up tons of yards and points to the Chiefs — whose offense was loaded with Pro Bowlers — and that was the most lopsided seven-point game you'll ever see. For me, it boils down to this: In each of the last two weeks, eight NFL teams have suited up, and the Colts have looked the best, by far, each time. One week after handing a team its first home loss of the season, I think the Colts do it again. (Full rooting disclosure: I win $160 if the Colts win the Super Bowl.)

Spread: New England by 3
Paul's Pick: Colts 27, Patriots 17

CAROLINA (13-5) at PHILADELPHIA (13-4), 6:45 p.m. ET, FOX
I'm sticking with what I wrote last week about the Panthers. They've succeed with power running and blazing speed, two things that are not prone to slumping. A lot of that power may be sapped, however, as Stephen Davis remains questionable after missing practice Wednesday. Conventional wisdom says that if the Eagles could give up 200 yards rushing and allow eight sacks against the Packers and still win, then the Panthers are in for a load of trouble. But those are flaws that don't get shored up in a week, and Philly benefited from a questionable coaching decision, an unlikely 4th-and-26 conversion and a reckless heave from Brett Favre to escape. I think the Panthers could be headed to Houston, but I am hoping for another Philadelphia escape. (Full rooting disclosure: Donovan McNabb and I share the same esteemed degree from Syracuse University.)

Spread: Philadelphia by 4
Paul's Pick: Eagles 23, Panthers 21

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Last week against the spread: 2-2
Record against the spread in playoffs: 6-2

Things I Own: Roger Clemens' 300th Win Newspapers

As a big sports and media collector, I jump at the chance to save editions of local papers when significant events occur. Such was the case when Roger Clemens won his 300th game as a member of the Yankees, the most storied franchise in sports, one that values loyalty as much as administering pain across New England every summer.

It was sad to see Clemens bid farewell to baseball after Game 4 of the World Series. I had really become a fan of his, forgetting the time I was at the Stadium and he, while picthing for Toronto, blatantly plunked a Yankee after the Bombers hit him with two straight comebackers and followed with a rally that cleared the bases with two outs. (Hideki Irabu's first pitch of the next inning hit a Blue Jay in the back, leaving a welt with Clemens' name on it.)

Luckily, I still had the June 14, 2003, editions of the New York Daily News and the New York Post to remind me that Roger Clemens was always there when you needed him. (See larger image.)

I usually preserve such keepsakes in pristine condition, but unfortunately those newspapers endured significant damage this week, the massive tears rendering them unsellable on the secondary market. The good news is that I have become more environmentally conscious of late.

If I hold onto them, I hope to get them autographed by Clemens someday. Perhaps at the World Series, when the Yankees sell him a Tier Reserved seat in Section U11 for 50% off, or maybe at a future Old Timer's Day when he is announced somewhere between Oscar Gamble and Phil Linz.

Lovebirds Clemens and Pettitte Reunite in Houston

Awww, don't those boys look so cute together? The Bible-Thumper and the Headhunter, friends for life! I bet if you start clinking glasses with silverware, they'll kiss for us. Now that the Texas Twosome has eloped to Houston, I hope they find god, acceptance for their love of one another, and, most importantly, last place.

OK, not really. I don't blame the guys for wanting to go home. I mean, why would one want to live in the Capital of the World, play in front of passionate Yankees fans, take the mound in the House That Ruth Built and endure the pressure of postseason play when you can live in the Capital of Air Conditioning, play in front of people who don't know Mickey Mantle from Mickey Rourke, take the mound in the House That Enron Built and Minute Maid Took Over and spend your Octobers watching high-school football (give or take a predictable postseason loss in the wild-card round)? Christ, what was in those Power for Living books?

OK, I really don't blame the guys for wanting to go home. But there is a bad streak of departures going on in the Bronx: Andy Pettitte didn't want to be here, Roger Clemens didn't want to be here, David Wells didn't want to be here, Don Zimmer didn't want to be here. I'm half-expecting superfan Freddy Schuman to take his spoon-and-frying-pan act to Queens and root on whatever schlubs are suiting up over there.

Joe Torre enters 2004 in the last year of his contract. I don't think he'll want to be here, either. I hope we can get him his fifth World Series title before the Hall of Fame comes calling.

In an official statement, Yankees owner and jewelry collector George M. Steinbrenner III didn't exactly wish Clemens luck:

"Roger Clemens was a great warrior for the Yankees — a teacher and a leader. He told the world he was retiring and we had no choice but to believe him."

This Just In: ESPN is reporting that Alfonso Soriano tried to use a fly-swatter against a mosquito in his apartment Monday. But the pesky fella swooped low and outside and Soriano missed by four feet.

Other Sports Links:

• The Best Sports Quotes of 2003 — An interesting and often funny annual recap of the ridiculous things Kansas City-area players, coaches and media say. Max Falkenstein, Kansas State radio color analyst, shared this insight with football fans, "The 6 p.m. start, you have quite a bit of the ball game in daylight and then dusk. And then finally it ends up in darkness." Scroll to the bottom for all-time nonsense from former Chiefs defensive end Neil Smith.

• SportsNation's 2003 Sports Quiz — How well did you follow the sports pages last year? I missed a few of these, but I took it so long ago I remember how many.

• Shots They'll Never Forget — ESPN remembers some of the greatest buzzer-beaters ever hit in college hoops games that the network aired in its first 25 years. Remember when the Duke-UNC games were so big they'd air them on ESPN2 to get the channel some publicity?

• The Myth of the Rough, Tough Boston Sports Fan — Slate's Charles P. Pierce on the 2003-4 Patriot Act. (Thanks, Ryan)

• Worst Calls in Sports History — Stuff remembers games in which the losers really wuz robbed. All were horrendous. The Jerry Rice non-fumble against the Packers in 1999. Phil Luckett's crew screwing up the coin toss on Thanksgiving 1998 and then, later in the season, awarding Vinny Testaverde a touchdown that was a yard short. And, of course, the 1972 Olympics men's basketball gold medal game where the Russians got more do-overs than a fourth-grade kickball game. The Chuck Knoblauch phantom double play in the 1999 ALCS? I don't recall that one. Yanks 4, Red Sox 1, suckers! (Thanks, Dave)

• Jury Selection Begins in Jayson Williams Manslaughter Case — Again, no winners in this one. One life ended, another ruined, because of booze.

• Dr. Z: Mike Martz Can't Handle Game Pressure — The Sports Illustrated guru cites an example from Super Bowl XXXIV when the Rams coach was bolder but no wiser than he was when he managed cautiously in St. Louis' loss to the Panthers on Sunday. Not that I really minded donating $50 to the We Have No Faith in Marc Bulger Fund.

• Syracuse Wins at Missouri for 12th Straight Win — Has a national champ ever been 12-1 and ranked as low as 19? I don't get it. But now's not the time to worry about ranking.

Things I Own: Classic TIME Magazines

It's time for another rousing edition of "Things I Own," where you get a exciting look at the inanimate objects in my life. Today we take a look at some classic full issues of TIME magazine, each of which I acquired on eBay for less than $10. (Nothing like holding onto something for four decades to make the monetary equivalent of a Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back DVD, huh Jethro?)

Pictured is a sampling of the best I've got (see larger image). Clockwise from top left:

• Cassius Marcellus Clay - March 22, 1963 — His mama named him Clay; I'm gonna call him Clay. (Anyone know what movie that line is from?) Speaking of Clay's gold medal at the 1960 Olympics in Rome, TIME wrote: "In the Olympic Village he swarmed over foreign athletes, yelling 'Say cheese!' while he snapped photos, swapped team badges, and winked at pretty girls. They loved him. If there had been an election, he would have won in a walk."

• Hugh Hefner - March 3, 1967 — An artsy cover depicts a wood sculpture by Marisol, whose work appeared on several TIME covers. Excerpt from the cover story: "He took the old-fashioned, shame-thumbed girlie magazine, stripped off the plain wrapper, added gloss, class and culture. It proved to be a surefire formula, which more sophisticated and experienced competitors somehow had never dared contemplate."

• Man on the Moon - July 25, 1969 — "A Giant Leap for Mankind" is the headline of the cover story on one of the most fascinating events in modern history. Publisher James R. Shepley's letter reads, "Although TIME ordinarily closes on Saturday evening, we felt compelled to hold the magazine open until Monday, in order to report the climax of man's first attempt to walk on the moon." (Neil Armstrong climaxed as he walked the moon? Gross!) Shepley also credits then-associate editor Leon Jaroff, who still writes columns for TIME.com.

• Reggie Jackson - June 3, 1974 — Among the strangest oddities in TIME's history is that the Oakland A's made the magazine's cover four times in the early 1970s, while Elvis Presley never appeared at all. Publisher Ralph P. Davidson's letter relays an anecdote from an interview with A's owner Charles O. Finley: "When asked about his somewhat strained relationship with Jackson, Finley responded with a string of obscenities informing [writer Philip] Taubman: 'If you had a brain in you, you'd be an idiot.'"

• John F. Kennedy - Nov. 7, 1960 — "Candidate Kennedy" the cover calls him, just days before he defeated Richard M. Nixon, the man who gave his "last press conference" following a failed 1962 bid for California governor, stating, "You won't have Dick Nixon to kick around any more." Alas, he would return, and Alex P. Keaton had himself a hero.

• John Lennon - December 22, 1980 — Publisher John A. Meyers' letter delivers this quote from Christopher Porterfield, who covered the Beatles' 1964 American invasion and, yep, is still at the magazine in 2004: "Of all the Beatles, Lennon was the one who showed the greatest depth and complexity. His was the growth I expected the most from, and now that growth has been cut short."

• Jimmy Brown - Nov. 26, 1965 — In his final season, Brown scored 21 touchdowns and amassed nearly 2,000 yards from scrimmage in a 14-game season at age 29. In Dick Schaap's autobiography, Flashing Before My Eyes," there is a chapter (8) titled "How I Stopped Jim Brown." Schaap, a goalie for the Colgate lacrosse team in 1955, recounts how three of his 22 saves against Syracuse came on shots by Brown that he never saw. Brown put four past him, including the game-winner in overtime. Schaap remembers Brown as "the best lacrosse player who ever lived."

Tacoma, Wash.: Most Stressful City in U.S.

Tacoma, a city with a population of 195,000, located 30 miles south of Seattle, has ranked atop a BestPlaces survey of the most stressful places to live. While residents "can feel safe from bodily harm," the city's resumé features a "rare combination of suicide, unemployment, theft and gloomy weather." A four-tool player, obviously.

And I guess it doesn't help that Washington, D.C. area sniper John Muhammad lived there. That dude had more issues than Harper's Magazine.

Other stressful aspects of living in Tacoma:
• Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck predicting overtime victory
• When less than one-third of the Sunday newspaper is relevant to Microsoft
• Sunny days that throw residents into a state of unfamiliarity and panic
• When Starbucks runs out of its Bella Vista F.W. Tres Rios Costa Rica blend

The rest of the worst:
2. Miami — Especially when the economy suffers from crack prices plummeting
3. New Orleans — Seeing tourists puke on your streets is not a soothing experience
4. Las Vegas — The hookers are always biting their nails
5. New York — Yeah, but the airport-style bag-screening device in my office building doesn't phase me anymore.

Other News Links:

• Hefner: Britney Would Make Great Girlfriend — Like seven isn't enough for this dude. Hey, old man, leave some for us!

• Girls Expelled for Charging Boys to Watch Them Kiss — Haven't these boys ever heard of the Internet? Jesus, kids, welcome to fucking 1996. Oh, right, you were in kindergarten then.

• Germany Invents "Anti-Aging" Beer — Michelob is already planning a low-carb version that tastes like horse vomit. (Story comes complete with photo of German chick with big juggs.)

• Real Meal Steals — A Motley Fool article on how restaurants gouge you. (Story comes complete with photo of woman in stupid-looking hat.)

• Warrant Calls it a Day — We knew it had to happen someday, but that doesn't make it any easier. The Down Boys are no longer. Metal Sludge reports that Jani Lane has fired founding members Erik Turner and Jerry Dixon, as well as manager Obi Steinman. Good thing Britny Fox (correct spelling, I swear) is still together. (You gotta download the Girlschool .mp3 from that site. 'Cause my baby broke all the rules! Reminds me of my teenage years, which were hell for the Yankees. I like to call it The Dennis Rasmussen Era.)

• Bush's Plans for Space Could Have a Political Price — Is it worth sending astronauts to Mars? If anything, space exploration should approach the social intrigue of the 1960s. I know I won't be traveling 105 million miles away. Going downtown is enough of a hassle.

Review: MusicRebellion.com's 10-Cent Download Campaign

Buying music online is no longer just for those with guilty consciences. As users fear lawsuits stemming from sharing copyrighted music, and as the peer-to-peer software industry gets bloated with annoying spyware, pay-for-play is becoming more commonplace.

Napster and iTunes offer 99 cent downloads, but MusicRebellion.com has got them beat big time right now by offering up over 100,000 songs for 10 cents per download.

Since the parent company, Digonex Technologies, Inc., is losing money on each transaction, the cheap price lasts until the budget allotted for this campaign is exhausted. Then it goes back to the intended pricing model, which is based on demand of each song (expected to rise to about 50 to 70 cents each).

Setting up an account and depositing $5 from PayPal was a snap. The search function didn't work well at first — maybe the load was too heavy — so it was a bit frustrating having to browse alphabeticaly through genres. But almost everything I looked for was there. The soundtrack to Movin' Out on Broadway, Simon & Garfunkel, Bruce Springsteen, Barenaked Ladies, Mary Chapin Carpenter, Lyle Lovett. Even got me the whole Bon Jovi debut album for 90 cents, downloadable in one fell swoop at 38MB.

Everything I have downloaded has been in Windows Media Audio, with little restrictions on burning to a CD (only 10 times per song) and with full license to transfer to a portable audio player. iPod, which has come out with a "mini" version, does not support WMA, but devices offered by Dell and Napster do. CNET has the scoop on portable audio devices on the market.

At 10 cents a clip, MusicRebellion.com has offered a great deal even if you don't have a portable audio player but enjoy playing music on your computer. And it will be interesting to see how the pricing-on-demand model shakes out for such a huge industry, since many predict that is the future of e-commerce.

In Five Words or Less: Do it before campaign ends

Beat This Caption: Britney Spears at Attention

"Britney Spears runs her mark in staring contests to 114-0."
See photo at much greater resolution.

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An Important Note About Comments

I banned a few IP addresses to prevent users of certain computers from publishing comments on this site. If it is preventing you from being able to comment, please e-mail me and I'll switch to plan B, as IP banning is an inexact science. I will not be commenting further on this matter here. (Please do not post a comment under this post.)

NFL Playoff Preview and Picks: Divisional Round

You pick winners in sports based on two factors: flaws and strengths. Yet, how can you find many flaws with teams that got here either by a) beating another playoff team just a week ago (Titans, Colts, Packers, Panthers); or b) dominating the regular season to earn a bye and a home game in the divisional round (Patriots, Chiefs, Rams, Eagles)? This is definitely a week for the positive-thinking person.

Last week, all four losing teams were led by coaches who have won the Super Bowl (Holmgren, Billick, Shanahan and Parcells). This week, two coaches (Vermeil of the Chiefs, Belichick of the Patriots) fit that bill. Will the trend continue?

Saturday's games:

CAROLINA (12-5) at ST. LOUIS (12-4), 4:30 p.m. ET, FOX
These teams come in with 24 combined wins, but are led by quarterbacks with one total playoff start, that by Jake Delhomme of the Panthers, who posted a 104.5 rating against Dallas' respected defense last week. This week, he could benefit from great field position as the Rams committed the most turnovers in the NFL. They also lead the league in takeaways, but the Panthers don't seem to me as a reckless bunch. They beat Dallas with power running and speed from Steve Smith, two qualities that don't lend themselves to slumping (unlike a West Coast-style passing game that relies on consistency and accuracy).
Spread: St. Louis by 7
Paul's Pick: Rams 27, Panthers 21

TENNESSEE (13-4) at NEW ENGLAND (14-2), 8:30 p.m. ET, CBS
There are two lines of thinking in terms of the effects of playing a week after winning a backyard brawl against the Ravens, as the Titans did last week. Tennessee could either be physically and mentally exhausted, or they could carry the emotion into its game against the Pats, who were perfect at home in 2003 and became only the third team in league history to finish the season with 12 straight victories, including a 38-30 win at home against the Titans to start the roll. If only I had the energy to look up how teams perform a week after a matchup in Baltimore.
Spread: New England by 6
Paul's Pick: Patriots 23, Titans 21

Sunday's games:

INDIANAPOLIS (13-4) at KANSAS CITY (13-3), 1 p.m. ET, CBS
What a difference a week makes in terms of bettors' faith in the Colts and Peyton Manning in the postseason. I don't know if I'd take the Chiefs on a neutral field, but I think a week off for eight Pro Bowlers and one of the best home-field advantages in all of the NFL (8-0 at Arrowhead in '03) counts for a lot.
Spread: Kansas City by 3
Paul's Pick: Chiefs 28, Colts 21

GREEN BAY (11-6) at PHILADELPHIA (12-4), 4:45 p.m. ET
Both teams are decidedly better since the Eagles pulled out a 17-14 victory at Lambeau on a Monday night. Now the scene shifts to Philly, where the Eagles have been resting since finishing its season with 10 wins in 11 games. I don't see the Eagles losing till next week, as is customary for them in the NFC Championship game.
Spread: Philadelphia by 5.5
Paul's Pick: Eagles 24, Packers 17

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Last week against the spread: 4-0
Record against the spread in playoffs: 4-0

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Today's Sports LInks:

• Ryan Perry's Sports Blog — A PK.com disciple is doing a great job with his web-friendly (scannable, opinionated, informed) sports posts. Highly recommended for your bookmarks.

• Mickey Mantle's Place in Baseball History — Taking my argument of Mantle vs. Sosa a bit further, Baseball Beat's argument uses modern stats to assert The Mick's overwhelmingly value from 1954-64 was unparalleled.

• Billy Baldwin a Wresting Hall of Famer — Yes, the actor received an Outstanding American award in 2003. Know who else is a Hall of Famer? Kurt Angle. It's true. It's true.

• Peter Gammons: Rethinking My Vote for Rose — The usually level-headed scribe takes offense to Pete Rose's selfish confessional during Hall of Fame election week and calls him "perhaps the lowest figure in baseball in my 32 years of covering the sport."

• Hype Fit for a King — Bill Simmons says early returns on LeBron James are as good as expected and wouldn't be surprised if he averages a triple-double for an entire season someday. I have been quite impressed with James' game and respect for the game. So far, he has proven to be an asset to the NBA.

The Wit and Wisdom of the Simpsons

On the Internet, The Simpsons are like photos from nude beaches and videos of skateboarders slipping off stair rails and crushing their nuts. People can't get enough of them.

I recently came across one of the best of the fan sites, Subtly Simpsons a collection of the wittiest lines from the show with context provided.

Fidel Castro: "They named a street after me in San Francisco. [Whispering] It's full of WHAT?"
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Lisa: Oedipus is the one who killed his father and married his mother.
Homer: "Argh! Who paid for that wedding?"
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Principal Skinner: "Do you kids want to be like the real UN, or do you want to squabble and waste time?"
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Homer: (On the smuggling of jeans into Springfield.) "Think about the real victims: Calvin Klein, Gloria Vanderbilt, and Antoine Bugleboy — people who saw an overcrowded market and said, 'Me, too!'"
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TV commercial advertising the World Cup: "Come see the battle to determine what the greatest nation on this planet is: Portugal or Mexico."
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Grandpa: "I'm an old man, no one listens to me."
Lisa: "I'm a young girl, no one listens to me."
Homer: "I'm a white male aged 18 to 49, everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are."
He then goes to the cabinet and takes out a can of food titled, "Nuts and Gum: Together at Last."
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Sign on the school: Parent-Teacher Night: Let's share the blame.
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Homer: "You don't quit your job because you don't like it, you just go in and do it really half-assed."
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Marge: (To Lisa on why people don't hire 8-year-olds as babysitters.) "People want to hire someone mature, someone whom they can trust. That's why they hire teen-agers."
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Kent Brockman: (On the Olympics at Springfield.) "Springfield is expecting an economic boom from the Olympics like the one Sarajevo experienced after the '84 Olympics."
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Lisa: This is so cool, Bart. We're just like Woodward and Bernstein.
Bart: Yeah, except their dad wasn't waiting in the car reading Archie comics.

Other Web Finds:

• 30 Blogs of the Year — Some great ones make the list. Mine must've been No. 31.

• Who Invents This Crap? — Products available online that certify the insanity of the human race.

• Industrious Clock — A cool way to check the correct time. Of course, if you have a watch that works, you really only have to visit this clever site once.

• Fontifier — Install a font on your computer made from an example of your writing. Of course, script text online is incredibly unreadable and annoying.

• TruckNutz for Auction — Listed in eBay's "Weird" category: plastic, hairless testicles to hang from your jeep. (Sign that reads "White Trash" not included.)

Pete Rose Has a BIG Secret to Tell Us

Make sure you're seated before proceeding further. The news I am about to tell you will shock, amaze and shake the foundation of everything you have ever known about sports.

Ladies and gentlemen, Pete Rose bet on baseball.

I know. I know. I couldn't believe it either. (If you are experiencing respiratory problems after learning of this earth-shattering news, please move away from the computer and lay down for at least one minute.)

It took about 58 years longer than most, but 62-year-old Pete Rose (see lifetime stats) has learned that honesty is the best policy, and this week is making his shocking confession that he laid some coin on Major League Baseball games while a manager of the Cincinnati Reds in the late '80s.

Rose, a 17-time All-Star, had a 44-game hitting streak in 1978 snapped 12 games short of Joe DiMaggio's all-time mark, but his streak of most consecutive years as Man With the Worst Haircut on Earth remains alive. He is also a bad liar.

Let's go back to the interview with NBC's Jim Gray before Game 2 of the 1999 World Series, when Rose was honored as a member of the All-Century team and received a warm reception from Braves fans, who, for whatever reason, decided to attend a postseason game for a change.

Gray: Pete, congratulations, it was quite an ovation.

Rose: Heart-stopping.

Gray: Pete, let me ask you now. It seems as though that there is an opening. The American public is very forgiving. Are you willing to show contrition, admit that you bet on baseball and make some sort of apology to that effect?

Rose: No, no, Jim, not at all. I'm not going to admit to something that didn't happen. I know you get tired of hearing me say that, but I appreciate the ovation. I appreciate the American fans voting me on that All-Century team. I'm just a small part of a big deal tonight.

Gray: With the overwhelming evidence that is in that report, why not make that step with this opening...

Rose: It's too much of a festive a night to worry about that. I don't know what evidence you're talking about. I mean, show it to me.

Gray: Well, the Dowd report says, but we don't want to debate that, Pete.

Rose: Well, why not? Why do we want to believe everything he says?

Gray: You signed a paper acknowledging the ban. Why did you sign it if you didn't agree with it?

Rose: It also says I can apply for reinstatement after one year, if you remember correctly. In the press conference, as a matter of fact, my statement was I can't wait for my little girl to be a year old so I can apply for reinstatement. At my press conference. So you forgot to add that clause that was in there.

Gray: Well, you have reapplied. You've applied for reinstatement in 1997. Have you heard back from Commissioner Selig?

Rose: No, and that kind of surprises me. It's only been two years, though, and he's got a lot of things on his mind. But I hope to someday.

Gray: Pete, it's been 10 years since you've been allowed on the field. Obviously, the approach that you have taken has not worked. Why not, at this point, take a different approach?

Rose: Well, when you say it hadn't worked, what do you exactly mean?

Gray: You're not allowed in baseball. You're not allowed to earn a living in the game you love. And you're not allowed to be in the Hall of Fame.

Rose: Well, I took that approach and that was to apply for reinstatement. I hope Bud Selig considers that and gives me an opportunity. I won't need a third chance. All I need is a second chance.

Gray: Pete, those who will hear this tonight will say that you have been your own worst enemy and continue to be. How do you respond to that?

Rose: In what way are you talking about?

Gray: By not acknowledging what seems to be overwhelming evidence.

Rose: Yeah, I'm surprised you're bombarding me like this. I mean I'm doing an interview with you on a great night, a great occasion, a great ovation. Everybody seems to be in a good mood, and you're bringing up something that happened 10 years ago.

Gray: I bring it up because I think people would like to see you get it on. Pete, we got to go, we've got a game...

Rose: This is a prosecutor's brief. It's not an interview, and I'm very surprised at you. I am, really.

Gray: Well, Some would be surprised that you didn't take the opportunity. Let's go.....

Gray took a lot of heat from media and fans for his aggressiveness, but I thought was a great American moment: asking a phony to be forthcoming. You might recall Yankees outfielder Chad Curtis refusing to speak to Gray after hitting a walkoff home run in Game 3 of the Series. I thought it was a dumb protest then, and that certainly hasn't changed now.

I love the part where Pete says, "I'm not going to admit to something that didn't happen." Maybe he should've added, "unless you pay $17.47 + shipping on Amazon.com for my new book, My Prison Without Bars."

But this is America. We love to give people a second chance. It makes everyone feel good. It's a mystery why it took Rose so long to figure out this was, by far, the best of his options. Then again, he does find it acceptable to walk out of his house with that haircut.

Other Pete Rose Links:

• Vote: What Now for Pete Rose? — See how your opinions on 10 Rose-related questions rank with other fans on ESPN SportsNation.

• The Confessions of Pete Rose — Fay Vincent, the baseball commissioner who succeeded Bart Giamati, cautions us in a New York Times op-ed against embracing Rose, whom he says, "spent the last 14 years calling John Dowd and me names."

• Put Rose in Hall, Not in a Dugout — Ian O'Connor writes in USA Today that Rose "lies for a living" and "has forfeited the right to be a manager, a coach, a scout, or spring training instructor."

• Rose Still Faces Long Odds on Getting to Hall of Fame — An AP story on Rose's eligibility for Cooperstown.

Just in Time for Christmas (2004): Mr. T Soap on a Rope

I thought I bought my friend a cool birthday present when I got him a DVD commemorating our Syracuse Orangemen's men's basketball national championship. Till I was one-upped by someone who bought him a Mr. T Soap on a Rope.

The best part of the product is that Mr. T had to have approved of it. I'm imagining the conversation between Mr. T and his agent went something like this:

Agent: Mr. T, we have this great licensing opportunity, and I want you to hear about it.

Mr. T: Great. Is it as classy as those 1-800-COLLECT commercials?

Agent: Better! People are going to wash their armpits with your face.

Mr. T: Balls, too?

Agent: Yes. Well, just the guys. But think what women could do with your mohawk.

Mr. T: Sounds awesome. Where do I sign?

Other Web Finds:

• 101 Ways to Save the Internet — Among other topics, Wired touches on the still-too-expensive price to download music ($0.99 a song). Author Paul Boutin says $0.29 is more reasonable and I agree. At least for released singles. Remember what the point is of released singles, for Christ's sake. Promotion!

• The 50 Best Guy Movies of All Time — Men's Journal gives the top spot to Dirty Harry over The Godfather, one of four movies on the list that I have seen in its entirety. The others being Caddyshack, Rocky and Animal House. Sorry, I don't watch movies.

• T.G.I. Friday's New Low-Carb Menu — Finally, a place to get a couple of burgers, sans bun, without having to pay for fries. (Thanks, Art)

• Yahoo!'s Top Searches of 2003 — A survey of what people searched the Net for last year. Also see Google's year-end Zeitgesit. Take any search data without sex terms with a grain of salt, however. There are a lot of sites that survey search trends, but their results differ so greatly that it's hard to put trust in any.

• A Timeline of We Didn't Start the Fire — Someone sorted by year all the words mentioned in the Billy Joel hit. Plus, some quick information on each, like 1954's Roy Cohn, Juan Peron, Tosconini, Dacron.

Things I Own: 1991 N.Y. Giants Wheaties Box

Today we launch a new series titled "Things I Own," an intimate look at some of my most cherished possessions, many of which rival the specialty of the world's most sought-after artifacts. We begin with a cereal box...

A few months after Scott Norwood's 47-yard field-goal attempt went wide right in Super Bowl XXV, I found myself at a sports card show in White Plains, N.Y., gazing at a full Wheaties box commemorating what was then my favorite sporting event ever. The price, including an attractive lucite holder: $25. I had to have it.

For 13 years, I've toted it around, from dorm rooms to apartments to offices. Like Michael Jackson, it's losing its color, but it's more than just a sentimental reminder of the days when Leonard Marshall blind-sided Joe Montana so hard in the NFC Championship game that the sideline reporter quoted the future Hall of Fame quarterback as saying, "It hurts everywhere." It is also a science experiment.

You see, most Wheaties box collectors gut out the food bag. Some even unfold the cardboard to create a flat display. Not me. On my kitchen counter is a 13-year-old box of cereal that remains just as you could have bought it in 1991. I'm just hoping the Giants win another Super Bowl before the wheat flakes jump out of the box and kill me in my sleep.

Did you know? The players displayed on the box, from left to right, are punter Sean Landeta, special teamer Reyna Thompson, quarterback Phil Simms, center Bart Oates, tight end Mark Bavaro, linebacker Pepper Johnson and running back Ottis Anderson. Lawrence Taylor is missing probably because he crossed the picket line during the 1987 strike, and I bet that affected licensing deals with the players' association. (Let me know if I'm incorrect on that.)

Pussy of the Year: Connecticut Representative Christopher Shays

I've got some New York-related links to get out, and what better lead than a New Year's Eve recap on CNN.com titled "New York Has a Safe New Year's Celebration and Quiets Naysayers".

You may have caught wind earlier in the week of this quote from Connecticut representative Christopher Shays, who shared his thoughts on the sanity of ringing in the new year in Times Square:

"You gotta be a fool, frankly, to go on New Year's night to Times Square. I mean, I can't understand why people do that. Just one hand grenade thrown in the air and people panicking. It's just too tempting a target."

Now, there are a lot of reasons I avoid Times Square on New Year's Eve, but fear is not one of them. Fear is not what built our skyline. Fear is not what inspires Broadway actors, dancers and musicians to chase their dreams. Fear is not what makes New York the financial and cultural capital of the world. Talent, determination and ambition are not only encouraged but required to thrive here. But fear? No, sir.

Our streets welcome people of all backgrounds and interests. Unless you're a pussy. Then you can stay in your own paradise, like Connecticut.

Other New York Links:

• Panoramic View of Times Square at Midnight 2004 — An amazing scene from an amazing place. (Found on Gawker.)

• How Wild Was the Party? Ask the Army With the Brooms — It's a dirty job, but somebody has to clean up Times Square after the party ends. The New York Times takes a look.

• Lucky Cheng's Protests Against Zagat's Review — The New York Post sums it thusly: "A popular transvestite-themed restaurant is throwing a queen-sized hissy fit at the Zagat Survey, claiming its 'unfair' bad review is dragging their business down."

• Rao's Mob Theme Finally Authentic — The New York Post says the recent murder at the famous Harlem restaurant fills the void after years of hogwash regarding its mob aura.

• For New York Mobsters, Florida Always a Second Home — From the piece: "South Florida has long been deemed 'open' territory for the Five Families — Bonnano, Colombo, Gambino, Genovese and Lucchese — that dominate New York organized crime. All have had a presence in the area since the 1930s."

• Manhattan Society: Independent Guide to Manhattan Life & Culture — My friend Chris London's all-everything guide to New York, from events and parties to links to NYC-related media and bloggers.

NFL Playoff Preview and Picks: Wild-Card Round

If I was good at betting on sports, I would live in Las Vegas and not New York. But here's how I see things shaking out this weekend, as Peyton Manning looks for his first postseason victory and Bill Parcells returns to the playoffs with his fourth different franchise.

Saturday's games:

TENNESSEE (12-4) at BALTIMORE (10-6), 4:30 p.m. ET, ABC
Twelve wins didn't get the Titans much this year, as they must hit the road against a former AFC Central rival that has beaten them five straight times. Tennessee finished the 1999 season at 13-3 and made the playoffs as a wild card, advancing to Super Bowl XXXIV... Tennessee's Steve McNair was the only NFL QB to break triple digits in passer rating (100.4), as he threw for 24 TDs with only 7 INTs... Ravens RB Jamal Lewis has the fourth-most rushing yards (4,767) in the first 48 games of an NFL career... Baltimore LB Ray Lewis had 6 INTs and scares the absolute shit out of me.
Spread: Tennessee by 1
Paul's Pick: Titans 23, Ravens 21

DALLAS (10-6) at CAROLINA (11-5), 8 p.m. ET, ABC
Cowboys have won four straight in the series, including a 24-20 win at Dallas on Nov. 23... Dallas rode its league-best defense (253.5 ypg allowed) to the playoffs, as it sure as shit wasn't QB Quincy Carter (71.4 passer rating) or leading rusher Troy Hambrick's 3.5 yards per carry... Panthers won seven games by three points or less, tying an NFL single-season record (7, Arizona, 1998)... Carolina RB Stephen Davis set a club record with 1,444 rushing yards and had seven games of 100+
Spread: Carolina by 3
Paul's Pick: Panthers 24, Cowboys 17

Sunday's games:

SEATTLE (10-6) at GREEN BAY (10-6), noon ET, FOX
Packers head coach Mike Sherman served as TE coach under Seahawks head coach Mike Holmgren from 1997-98 in Green Bay and as offensive coordinator for Holmgren in Seattle in 1999... Packers QB Brett Favre led the NFL with 32 passing TDs, while RB Ahman Green led the NFC in both rushing yards (1,883) and TDs scored (20)... Packers are 23-2 when Green rushes for at least 100 yards... Packers are in the playoffs for the ninth time in the past 11 seasons and have lost just once at Lambeau Field in the postseason, that coming last year against the Falcons.
Spread: Green Bay by 7
Paul's Pick: Packers 28, Seahawks 24

DENVER (10-6) at INDIANAPOLIS (12-4), 4:30 p.m. ET, CBS
Broncos have won eight of past 11 against the Colts, including a 31-17 win at Indianapolis on Dec. 21... Denver coach Mike Shanahan is 7-2 in the postseason... Colts QB Peyton Manning had an AFC-high 29 TD passes and has thrown 25+ TD passes in each of the past six seasons, the only player in NFL history to accomplish that feat... Colts are 27-5 when RB Edgerrin James scores a TD. He rushed for 11 scores this season... "Idiot kicker" Mike Vanderjagt had a perfect season for the Colts , making good on all 37 field-goal attempts and 46 PAT tries.
Spread: Indianapolis by 3
Paul's Pick: Colts 31, Broncos 24

NFL Playoff Links:

• Dr. Z's Forecast — Titans, Cowboys, Packers, Broncos.

• Tackling Five NFL Playoff Myths — A Sporting News cover story.

• What's With the Gaudy Rushing Stats? — Slate's Allen Barra explains the Season of the Running Back.

• John Clayton's 10 Things to Watch — How's this for a stat? Only five receivers with more than 70 receptions made the playoffs.