PaulKatcher.com

Review: Playboy's 50th Anniversary Issue

If I'm gonna spend $7.99 for a magazine, it had better be a collector's edition. And there had better be naked chicks in there. Playboy's 50th anniversary issue satisfies both qualifications.

Let's see how the issue shapes up:

• Page 4: Calvin Klein Underwear Ad — Soccer player Fredrik Ljungberg is naked except his package is fit snug in a pair of briefs. Thanks, guys. Exactly what I'm look for here.

• Page 23: A&E Ad for Playboy Special — A celebration billed as the ultimate anniversary party will air on A&E Sunday, Dec. 7, at 8 p.m. But celebrating Playboy on A&E is like dining at Peter Luger's and ordering a vegetarian meal.

• Page 25: Britney at Playboy Mansion — Ms. Spears appears in the collage of recent party photos. God I hope they spiked her punch. Also George Clooney appears on the party page for the 395th straight issue. Tommy Lee also licks Mark McGrath on page 26, which would probably interest those who clicked on the Fredrik Ljungberg link.

• Page 37: Crack Reporting: Belt Bottoms — Coming to a woman near you: a stealth harness that lifts the ass to "J. Lo-esque" prominence. Christ, wasn't it hard enough to learn how to gracefully unhook a bra?

• Page 38: Employee of the Month — Get your foot-long done right by Subway sandwich stuffer Heidi Rhodes, whose franchise location is undisclosed, which really puts a damper on my stalking plans.

• Page 43: Raw Data — Pamela Anderson leads cover appearances with 10. And I got sick of her after only three. (If Pam is reading this, I'm just kidding. Call me, baby!)

• Page 61: Playboy Advisor — D.B. in Phoenix, Ariz., wants to treat her husband to a "blow job that leaves a lipstick mark on his cock," but finds that "most rogues don't adhere." She is advised to try Red Coromandel Chanel. (Allow me to catch my breath for the next entry.)

• Page 65: The Playboy Forum — "We Won!" screams the headline on a story that declares the sexual revolution over. When Hef launched Playboy, 49 states criminalized oral and anal sex. Columnist James R. Peterson lauds this past summer's repeal of a Texas law that banned gay sex, saying "it valued a core belief of this magazine: that sex between to or more consenting adults is a basic human right and no business of the state."

• Page 68: The 12-Minute Playboy Philosophy — The mag's stance on obscenity, censorship, casual sex, homosexuality and more. Much of it comes down to one word: freedom.

• Page 79: Playboy Interview: Jack Nicholson — The "epitome of cool" — as the intro reads — discloses his life as a nudist. And let that thought stick in your head for awhile.

• Page 200: Golden Memories — Some of the indelible images of centerfolds and celebrities over the years such as Anna Nicole Smith back when guys younger than 70 wanted to have sex with her. Oh Chirst, there's that picture of Chyna. Would rather see Jack Nicholson naked.

• Page 220: 50 Products That Changed the World — The personal computer is No. 1, which would also top a list of 50 Products That Ruined This Magazine.

There's another 100 or so pages of fashion, interviews, essays and boobs. Definitely worth picking up. Get yours at the newsstand on 79th and Broadway and maybe the guy will put yours in a discreet black plastic bag, too. Thanks, man!

Other Playboy Links:

• Fun Facts About Playboy on Its 50th Birthday — Seven men have appeared on the cover of Playboy, and someone over there clearly has a hard-on for comedians. Peter Sellers, Steve Martin, Dan Aykroyd, Jerry Seinfeld and Leslie Nielsen are five of them. The other two — Burt Reynolds and Donald Trump — could be filed in the Comedy bin, too.

• Playboy's 50th Anniversary Site — Includes the top 50 images from the magazine's history. See Pam Anderson (No. 24) before surgery, Charlton Heston (No. 31) spreading peanut butter (On bread, people! On bread!) and Kylie Bax (No. 47) basically raise my blood pressure to unhealthy levels.

• Uncle Melon Celebrates 50 Years of Playboy — A quick-witted writer comments on centerfold images through the years. Can't believe Playboy's notoriously aggressive copyright lawyers haven't gotten to him yet. (Not safe for work... unless you work in a porno theater.)

• Playboy at 50: A Man's Notes — The subhead of Reed Johnson's column in the L.A. Times says it all: "Hef's influential magazine has always been about a disdain for the unsophisticated macho lifestyle more than those glossy pictures."

Of Course Bush's Thanksgiving Visit Was Political

When I first saw the news that George W. Bush visited troops in Iraq on Thanksgiving, I thought, "Wow, that's cool." I still think that way, but I disagree with those who claim that the trip and political motives were mutually exclusive. And here's why: He's the president of the United States. He is, by definition, a politician in everything he does outside of closed doors.

Bush's trip to Iraq lasted just over 24 hours, as he was back at his Texas ranch shortly after daybreak Friday. Can't fault the guy. He wasn't there to serve any logistical purpose. His visit was symbolic, one I thought was great for the few percentage of troops who saw him, but it was certainly political and its effect on 2004 votes back home was assuredly considered. The main reason I think so: because on this top-secret, life-endangering mission, there were plenty of extra seats available for media.

Bush, who is the subject of a well-timed TIME cover story titled "The Love Him, Hate Him President", seems to polarize the public no matter what. On Friday, I heard a woman on Oliver North's radio show say that, despite missing her husband for 14 months in the service, she passionately endorses Bush's mission — and him as a person. Quite the same way many speak of Ronald Reagan's legacy — focusing as much on his personality as his decisions. The same night, I shared a cab with a woman who feels strongly that Bush orchestrated 9/11 in order to win over the public with his leadership. And I thought Clinton was a columnist's best friend.

Love him, hate him, here's what people are saying:

• Bush's Iraq Visit a Pre-Election PR Stunt: Analysis — The international media is not impressed. "The turkey has landed," ran the front-page headline in the London Daily Independent.

• Inside the Bush Trip — TIME's report on how it all went down. The day before, TIME photographer Chris Usher was in Waco with members of the White House staff. "They said: 'the president is going to Baghdad in two hours,'" Usher said. "We all thought it was a joke."

• As Political Theater Goes, It Was Classic — A Washington Post editorial says that "the nature of the president's trip inadvertently revealed a great deal about the true state of affairs in Iraq."

• Perilous Journey Plane-ly Proves Prez has Right Stuff — The New York Post's Deborah Orin writes, "The trip underscores Bush's personal taste for taking risks — day trips to Baghdad and carrier landings can quickly go wrong."

• Fox, But Not CNN, Was at Bush's Thanksgiving Surprise — CNN's Washington bureau chief says that a two-person crew from her network was dismissed from the White House pool Wednesday, with the understanding that no further news would be made.

• 'There Was Explosive, Euphoric Reaction' — CNN's Walter Rodgers on the scene in Iraq. He learned of the trip after Air Force One had landed.

• Yesterday, Hail to the Chief; Today, Hail to the Senator — Hillary Clinton takes a trip to Iraq, too, one day after Bush.

Turkeys, Bush and Penis. In Other Words: Happy Thanksgiving!

Well, at least Bush looks better than at last year's turkey pardoning ceremony.

Other Web Finds
• New York Magazine's Holiday Gift Guide
• CNET's Holiday Gift Guide
• Newsweek's Holiday Gift Guide
• TIME's Holiday Gift Guide
• Amazon's Holiday Gift Guide
• GameSpot's Holiday Gift Guide
• PC Magazine's Holiday Gift Guide

Bonds: I'll Do My Own Licensing

Some interesting news out of the sports collectibles industry. Barry Bonds has refused to re-sign the Major League Baseball Players Association's group licensing agreement. This now means that any product that is licensed by the MLBPA and features more than three players — think trading cards and video games — cannot include Bonds. That rule is in place to protect against defectors and leverage the players' unity, which is how these guys made millions to play a game in the first place.

Ken Rosenthal of The Sporting News says that it's business as usual for Bonds, a career me-first guy who is turning his back on a union that, I imagine, he benefited from when, early in his career, guys like Kirby Puckett and Don Mattingly were the most marketable players.

Jon Robinson of IGN.com reports that "game publishers will also not be allowed to create anyone on the Giants who looks or plays like Bonds." So I guess they can't just sneak in a black guy with a too-large head who remains standing at home plate when his home runs clear the wall.

Paul Angilly of The Bristol Press says Bonds may have done card collectors a favor, as already there is too much material for fans to acquire.

Rocky Landsverk and Scott Kelnhofer of Collect.com write that, "It's ironic that the potential all-time home run king is consciously limiting his exposure to collectibles, given that his perceived arrogance is one reason he's never been that collectible in the first place."

Sarah Talalay of the Sun-Sentinel reports that Bonds "intends to explore licensing opportunities with home run king Hank Aaron and Willie Mays in a way that will allow him to generate funding for children's educational and charitable programs." Which is good for the kids, because those guys don't have enough money or fame already to generate funding for charities.

Other Sports Links:

• Top 50 MLB Free Agents — ESPN.com ranks the best available studs, making predictions on the destination of each. They have Bartolo Colon (2), Gary Sheffield (4), LaTroy Hawkins (21), David Wells (37) and Arthur Rhodes (47) signing with the Yankees. Andy Pettitte (8) is predicted to go to the 'Stros.

• Dozens Offer a Kidney to Mourning — 'Zo fans around the country are offering body parts to save the former NBA star, and don't think Mourning's cash isn't a factor in at least some of those cases. An average of 17 people die per day waiting to receive an organ transplant.

• Dr. Z's NFL Power Rankings — What an AFC playoff we're looking at. Titans, Chiefs, Colts, Patriots — the top four teams in the NFL. There's just nothing sexy about the NFC right now.

• College Hoops 2004 Fall Recruiting Rankings — UNC is back in the top five and ahead of Duke. Texas is no longer just a football school, Pitino is working his magic again, and national champ Syracuse is nowhere.

• Schilling-to-Boston Tremors Would Be Felt Around Baseball — CBS SportsLine's Scott Miller on how the potential deal would light a fire under King George Steinbrenner's wallet.

Things I'm Thankful For

• I'm thankful for bigeasychoppers.com's Fantasy Fest 2003 gallery. Viva la Key West, one of my favorite places in America.

• I'm thankful for this Seinfeld Script Search, a database of hilarity. Let's call it the anti-One Day at a Time. The show ranks as one of my favorite TV shows. Here's a gem from "The Pledge Drive" — George: "He probably doesn't want to get chocolate on his fingers. That's the way these society types eat their candy bars."

• I'm thankful for the Google Toolbar, which has blocked hundreds of annoying pop-ups since I installed it. Works like a charm, and it's a great search tool.

• I'm thankful for MT-Blacklist, a Movable Type plug-in that prevents those asshole porn sites from posting bullshit comments on my site and taking advantage of my solid Google standing. What they do is nothing short of criminal, the equivalent of spraying graffiti on something I created. Mother fuckers.

• I'm thankful for winning five straight games of Madden 2004 online after going 0-for-12 to start my career. Anyone out there want a game? E-mail me and we'll set it up. Then prepare to have Ahman Green run all over your ass. I played as the Pack against the Ravens on Monday night and returned five of Kyle Boller's passes for TDs in the second quarter. My opponent quit, just like so many bitches on the service.

• I'm thankful for Wikipedia, my favorite online encyclopedia that employs a masterful application of web usability.

• I'm thankful for this collection of Bruce Springsteen guitar chords, allowing me to jam to my favorite tunes. Boss at his best: "The night is dark but the sidewalk's bright; And lined with the light of the living."

• I'm thankful for Aaron Boone's home run, which reduced Red Sox fans to tears (again). You never know, though, maybe all those Boston hitters will have career years again in 2004.

• I'm NOT thankful for the Giants and the Knicks. One is looking more and more like losers every week and the other has perfected it.

Guitar Center: The Loudest Store Ever

If you find sense of hearing to be a nuisance, head on over the newly opened Guitar Center at 25 West 14 Street in Manhattan. After about 30 minutes you won't be able to hear anything. Bring a bottle of Advil.

Never has a place been so annoying and so much fun at the same time. The music superstore is a veritable playground for anyone who wants to pull a guitar off the wall, plug it into an amp and crank away. With so many people jamming — seriously, like 20 people at a time — you hardly even have to pretend you're looking to buy an axe. Rock licks, jazz chords, country picking — the genres vary, but one thing is constant: everyone has amps cranked to 11.

On the same floor as the enormous guitar selection is the drum room. Make that drums room. Four sets and, yep, they're all being played at the same time. Have you ever heard four drummers play different music with 20 guitarists blaring just 50 feet away? I had a headache in 10 minutes, but it was crazy enough to make me laugh. How anyone can work there I don't know.

The most fun was playing the electronic drums, another four sets of which — small enough to fit in my one-bedroom apartment — can be test-drived. With the headphones off, it sounds like you're hitting putty — not that you could hear yourself even think in the place — but with headphones on, it sounded legit. One of the sets went for $4,599 so it had better sound real, and it did. I felt like I was back in high school jamming to Guns 'n' Roses. How fun.

Other New York Links:

• Pornoween Pictures — Some pictures of some broads at some local club I would never go to. Ah, whatever. There's some cleavage in there.

• Building a Web Media Empire on a Daily Dose of Fresh Links — The New York Times discovers Gawker.com. Next week, they will find a humor site called The Onion.

• Choose Your Own NYC — A virtual tour of New York, which differs from my tour of New York, which involves more trips to 8th Avenue porn shops.

• Club CAKE Photos — Pictures of half-naked girls acting slutty in a club I would never go to. Did I do this link already?

Jacko Remembers Makeup for Mugshot

Wow, what a fucking nut. Hey Michael, we're gonna turn ourselves in to the cops today, so don't forget your lipstick and eyeliner.

And it looks like there aren't many calories in little boys' pee-pees. The man is 5-11 (71 inches) and 120 pounds, for Christ's sake. Clay Aiken stands two inches taller (3% more height) and packs on 25 more pounds (21% more weight). So, next to Jacko, Clay is "the fat guy" from American Idol.

Did you know that Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch is 2,600 acres? Did you know New York's Central Park is 843 acres and accounts for 6% of Manhattan's total acreage? Did you know Michael Jackson used to be black?

Other News Links:

• Health Clubs Ban or Restrict Wireless Camera Phones — These stealth cams can be used in such devious ways. If any of you guys see my naked ass on a gay porn site, let me know, OK?

• Why Do Skinny Guys Win Eating Contests? — Popular Science answers the question that's been on everyone's mind these days.

• Will Microsoft Wallop Friendster? — Social networking seems like the hot thing to perfect online. Still can't believe there's not a decent Yankees- or Giants-viewing drinking club in New York. At least not one I know about.

• Porn Sites Hide Behind Blogs — Phony, innocuous-looking blogs are being built with the sole purpose of linking to, and increasing the Google PageRank of, porn sites. Really no biggie. Fake-ass sites have been manipulating search engines for years.

• People Names Johnny Depp 'Sexiest Man Alive' — Whatever.

These Rubber Bra Implants Must Be Stopped!

If late-night commercials are any indication, this country is going down a dangerous path. There apparently is a market for bra implants that resemble Perdue chicken breasts. As Susan Powter — an uglier version of Brigitte Nielsen — once said, we must stop the insanity! (BTW, I have now dropped 15 pounds in two months following a diet that flies in the face of Powter's anti-insanity.)

Back to the breasts that are so fake, they can't even be called fake breasts. Face it, your typical breast implants are bad enough. They look fantastic — Brooke Burke, we love you! — but they feel so much like beach balls that chicks might as well paint them red, blue, yellow and white.

But these falsies are pure evil. Their only purpose is to hypnotize men with the power of amazing-looking tits. Well, let me tell you something, ladies: That may have worked over the last 50 million years, but it's coming to an end right now. We don't mind the occasional butterface, but we ain't going for no butterface-and-butterfalsies. We ain't hooking up with no David Blaines. What we see should be what we get, not what drops to the floor like in a chicken slaughterhouse.

Shelf bras on the other hand? No problemo. (And thanks to the girl who wore one to the bar Sunday night and kept lifting up her sweater!)

Other Web Finds

• How Not to Get Fired Because of Your Blog — So far so good. Basically, if you blog during work time or write about subjects only known to you through work, you're a fool.

• The Color Test — A quick Flash test to see if you can get the right side of your brain to conquer the left. Or the left to conquer the right. Or have both sides waste 30 seconds at work.

• The Bra Ball — A ball of bras (duh) 18,085 strong. (Getting out my Revenge of the Nerds calculator.) That's 36,170 breasts!

• Download the Song Hey, Ms. Hilton — It's actually not a bad rock song dedicated to the giver of the worst blowjob on Earth. See lyrics. (Thanks, Geoff)

• Naked Protesters & Nude Activists — Pictures of and stories about people with a lot to say and not a lot to wear. Probably also serves as a dating site for vegetarians.

• What Things Cost on AdWords — Google's ad revenue is based on the marketability of specific keywords. Among the highest-priced words: free, gay and anal. Free gay anal? Now that's worth paying for!

Bucs to Me-Shawn: Pack Up Your Shit and Get Out

And now, Keyshawn Johnson has no one to throw him the damn ball. The man who has taken verbal shots against former teammates, opponents, and his own Super Bowl-winning coach, was, in essence, fired Tuesday for what amounts to being a pain in the ass.

Somehow the 49ers continue to put up with Terrell Owens' crap, but Keyshawn is no T.O. Owens, who knows as much about team leadership as he does about nuclear physics, has caught 34 TDs over the last three seasons. Over the same period, Johnson — "deactivated" in the middle of a $56 million contract that included a $13 million signing bonus — caught nine TDs, or three less than Ricky Proehl and six less than Bill Schroeder.

So Tampa Bay told him he's no longer welcome at any team functions, shelving him till they can trade him to a team that wants a guy who constantly overrates his own talent and is an All-Pro at only one thing: whining.

Mick Elliott of the Tampa Tribune reminds us of Keyshawn's publicly shared opinion of Wayne Chrebet:

"You're trying to compare a flashlight to a star,'' Johnson said a few years ago when talking about his former Jets teammate. "Flashlights only last so long. A star is in the sky forever."

Unless, of course, it burns out and falls to earth.

Or is declared inactive.

Even us Giants fans relished the sight of Chrebet catching the winning touchdown against the Bucs after Johnson's pathetic analogy.

The ultimate in Me-Shawn? Let this article in the St. Petersburg Times sum it up:

Keyshawn Johnson was featured in MNF's Mic'd Up segments and didn't disappoint. Twice in the first half Johnson took aim at Colt WR Marvin Harrison, first saying "when I play against my class of '96, I always dominate." Harrison, like Johnson, was drafted in '96.

After Harrison caught a screen pass, Johnson said "That's how he gets his catches. He's the best receiver, and that's how he gets his catches?"

We could point out that Harrison's stats the past four seasons dwarf Johnson's, but since he took umbrage with Harrison catching a screen pass and intimated the guy gets cheap stats, it should be noted: Harrison has 21 catches of at least 40 yards; Johnson has 2.

Here's who Keyshawn should be comparing himself to: me. We're both going to catch the same number of NFL passes the rest of the season.

Other Sports Links:

• Bonds Is God (Insert Asterisk Here) — ESPN.com's Mark Kreidler says that six-time MVP award winner Barry Bonds' credentials are all about perspective as "it is a fact that Bonds has worked closely with the lab owner alleged to be at the heart of the THG scandal, and that his personal trainer is enveloped in the case as well."

• NHL Heritage Classic to Be Played in Front of 56,169 — If I watch one hockey game all year — and really, that's plenty — it'll be Saturday's hockey love-fest to be played at Edmonton's Commonwealth Stadium, which will host the league's first outdoor contest in its 86-year history.

• U.S. Senator Requests Briefing From BCS — Sen. Robert Bennett, R-Utah, is "troubled by the current system and believe it is unfair to colleges and universities that are not members of the BCS."

Beat This Caption: Postgame Congratulations

"After Sunday night's game, Bill Parcells praised Bill Belichick for being a defensive wizard, a master motivator and one helluva French kisser."

(To beat this caption, click "Post a Comment" below.)

Britney Spears Gives Herself a Hand

I've never so looked forward to the release of an album I have no interest in buying. In fact, I could be deaf and still fully appreciate Britney Spears, whose latest pop creation, In the Zone, hits shelves Tuesday.

Because with Britney, album releases come with official websites depicting her in boy shorts and an unzipped leather jacket, Esquire covers featuring her half-exposed ass, and interviews in People in which she justifies her acts of self-love. Which is only fair, since she has done more to promote masturbation than anyone since Hugh Hefner.

She has long been the web's foremost expert on semiconductor physics, she has posed wearing only pearls and panties and shared her all-over tan on the covers of both Rolling Stone and British Elle.

So much is going on in this woman's life. Half-naked here, three-quarters naked there. Someone at Playboy has got to have the contract already drawn up. On Jimmy Kimmel Live last Thursday, Britney said she enjoys the "chaoticness" of her life. I like to call such condition of disorder "chaos," but whatever. English teachers never did it for me anyway. Maybe she'll make up another word Monday night on the Tonight Show With Jay Leno.

Looking back at last week's Paris Hilton frenzy (and even I'm sick of it), you have to be amazed at the hoopla over a socialite who relatively few people recognized well enough to identify, with certainty, in the clip. (Relative, that is, to the 99% of America who saw the clip and now consider her to oral sex what Al Gore is to rave parties.) Could you imagine what would happen if an amateur porn video starring Britney Spears surfaced? You'd see smoke coming out of every office in America, college classrooms would be as empty as Shea Stadium in October, and its viewership would make Titanic look like an underground indie flick. Only a Hillary Clinton video could come close to receiving such attention.

Switchboard.com even hosts this profile page for Britney Spears of Kentwood, Louisiana, but I don't know if Britney checks her Yahoo! mail too often. You might not get a reply, but I bet you'd get on a lot of spam lists.

Other Web Finds:

• The Greatest Album Covers That Never Were — An awesome collection of artistry. Examples: KISS, Led Zeppelin, Bruce Springsteen. Sorry, no Britney Spears.

• Template Monster — Too lazy to build to build your own online shrine to Ms. Spears? Check out this site's wealth of attractive templates available for purchase at reasonable prices. Example: This personal page template can be had for $28. Sure beats a lot of the ugly sites out there.

• Bud Light's Odes to Great Men — Multimedia clips of the beer company's tributes to such personalities as Mr. Beach Metal Detector Guy, Mr. Giant Taco Salad Inventor and Mr. Fancy Coffee Shop Coffee Pourer.

• Bridger Mountain Man Coyote Fur Hat — Strap a dead animal on your head and look like a fool, all for the low, low price of $199. (Found on Gawker.)

Happy One-Month Anniversary to Aaron Boone's Home Run

One month ago today, Oct. 16, was The Greatest Sex-less Night of My Life. It didn't actually turn euphoric till 12:16 a.m. Oct. 17, but my most joyous sports victory ever began the night before.

It was a stranger-hugger and a car-honker, those rare sports victories that can get entire bars of Yankees fans hugging and kissing people they had just met, while cars outside blared horns in celebration. The first time I saw such a scene was at Shea Stadium on October 25, 1986, right around the time the ball went through Bill Buckner's legs.

The Yankees never did come through in the final leg of the Tears Across America Tour but, as a friend reminded me, it's not often the Yanks could not win the World Series and still add a page to their lore. And that's what happened when Aaron Boone deposited Tim Wakefield's first offering in the left-field seats, introducing a new generation of Red Sox Nation to their life-long fate: pain.

Today's Sports Links:

• Bronx Banter — A regularly updated Yankees blog that doesn't ignore other baseball news, even it pertains to the crappy Mets.

• A New York State of Mind for the Jets — Business Week reports that Gang Green is set to announce a $1 billion Manhattan retractable-roof stadium that will begin hosting the team in 2009.

• Vitale's V-Lists: 2003-04 — In his 25th year of making my ears bleed, Dick Vitale shares his list for the year's Diaper Dandies, Rolls Roycers and other teams with retarded names.

Triumph Invites All to Come Poop With Me

I promised myself to not mention Paris Hilton in this post — damn, I lasted six words! — but we're still gonna kick it doggie style to end the work week. I command you all to run to the record store and pick up Triumph the Insult the Comic Dog's new album Come Poop With Me. (And after you've purchased the CD, please burn a copy and mail it to me.)

Triumph first stole a place in my heart in a long-ago Conan O'Brien skit in which his master came home to find a puddle on the carpet, just before a hot date was to arrive. "That had better be water!" Conan warned. Triumph replied, "It was four hours ago."

And then there was the confrontation with Eminem at the 2002 MTV Music Awards (pictured). Moby a 36-year-old bald-headed fag? Triumph corrected the lyric by saying, "First of all, everyone knows you're 35!" Triumph (with comedian Robert Smigel's hand up his ass) ventured toward Eminem, where he and two posse members threatened ... no, not the human ... the god-damn puppet! Look at the picture. They're telling a puppet to step off.

But Triumph rebounded nicely, launching his very own website that contains audio of his new rap I Keed, in which he goes after American Idol and Justin Timberlake thusly:

Ruben or Clay, oh which should I pick?
It's like choosing which puddle of vomit to lick.

So many skills Justin's making a buck at.
Does he rap? Does he sing? He doesn't know what to suck at.

Finally, don't miss Triumph's Dirty Dozen interview on Playboy.com, in which he shares some enlightening info for pet owners: "I know it seems like some dogs like to watch people have sex, but that's because they're actually just waiting for you to ask them to join in. But of course you don't. And that's why they shit on your laundry."

Other Web Finds:

• Ten Most Overpaid Jobs in the U.S. — Some of these are fairly interesting — wedding photographers, orthodontists ($350,000 a year!) — and then there are the entries of "CEOs of poorly performing companies" and "washed-up pro athletes in long-term contracts" No, are you serious?

• Church Sign Generator — Make your very own Simpsons-like "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Salvation" image and watch it speed around the Internet.

• Make Your Coworkers Cry — A couple of office pranks that will reduce your officemates to tears.

• Top 10: Memorable 20th Century Speeches — Hey, it's an article on AskMen.com that's not about bedding your platonic female friend. And they're not even trying to sell me a fitness book. Who abducted the site's editor?

How I Created a Porn Monster Called paris+hilton+sex+video

My No. 1 rule as a web producer is "pay attention what people do online, not what they say they do." And what people are doing this week is searching for socialites in heat.

My preview post last week about the imminent Paris Hilton video is, as of 9:30 p.m. ET Thursday, the No. 7 listing on Google for "paris hilton sex video." To the right is a tally of top terms used on search engines that brought someone to PK.com — over a period of only two hours. Traffic across the board is coming in at thousands per hour. With not much uptick in comments. Hard to type, I guess, with only one free hand.

So, how did this happen? Well, my site has been around for more than three years, and links to it are scattered throughout the web. AllTheWeb lists over 10 pages' worth of link-backs to PK.com. Link-backs is the No. 1 criteria for Google standing, and my post last week gave the search engines a few days to crawl and index it. Presto — instant porn madness.

Elsewhere, the three-minute, Desert Storm-looking Paris Hilton preview video, which has been served up for free on countless sites and is available on many peer-to-peer networks, has been selling on eBay for anywhere from $3 to $15 per download. (Couldn't you just "sell" someone the location on a site not even yours?) My coworker wonders how people could be tech savvy enough to use eBay but remain unaware of where the video resides for free download.

The best review of the clip appears on Salon. Titled "When C-Listers Copulate," Rebecca Traister is unimpressed with the work, saying "the clip is not funny, it's not warm — it's not even hot." She also shares this exchange with Hilton's publicist:

While Hilton denied as much a few weeks ago, her publicist, Siri Garber, has admitted its existence to the press, including Salon. "It is actually illegal for anyone to posess this tape — it is a felony — and the Hilto [sic] family is taking action against anyone who has the tape," Garber told Salon in an e-mail, responding to our inquiries last week, "so I suggest you do not pursue this further ..."

Well, let me tell you something, there are millions of felonies being committed in the country right now.

On Wednesday, Linda Stasi of the New York Post blasted Hilton's parents for not raising their daughters right, allowing them to get in dangerous situations. But I ask again, what did the girl do wrong? Have sex on tape? Big whoop. You start adding shame to sex and you start taking a lot of fun out of living.

Lock of the Week: Take Oklahoma and Give the 53 Points

Last Saturday, No. 1 Oklahoma stomped Texas A&M, 77-0, to extend its season record to 10-0. The same day, Baylor lost its fifth straight, 62-14, to Texas Tech. Factor in Baylor's 73-10 loss to Texas A&M last month and you gotta wonder whether women and children will be allowed in the stadium this week as Baylor travels to Oklahoma. It's the Game of the Century, if only referring to how many points the Sooners might score.

And talk about a difference in attention the schools have been getting. The Sooners and Bears are like the Hilton sisters, Paris and The Other One. (And don't think The Other One isn't plotting a big attention-grabber right about now. Seriously, she's gonna escort O.J. Simpson to an awards show or something.)

Sure, the 53-point spread is one of the largest in college football history — Houston covered a 59-pointer by squeaking by SMU, 95-21, in 1989 — but this line might be 53 points less than it should be. Look at last week: a 77-point win on one side, a 48-point loss on the other. Even a Mets fan could tell you that's 125 points (if said Mets fan had a calculator and someone to show him how to use it).

The guy who could make the biggest difference in this game — an in his wallet — is Baylor football coach Guy Morriss. Follow me here: Say he had a few friends in Vegas. And say each of them bet $20,000 on the game. And say he just happened to rush the ball all game, moving the clock along, and the Bears lost by seven TDs but not eight. Morriss would probably get handed a real nice briefcase the next time he visited Vegas. And, who knows, there might be a lot of $100 bills in it!

Today's Sports Links:

• Steinbrenner Calls Rookie Voting a 'Farce' — Hideki Matsui was recipient of a good ol' American screw-job by two writers who were biased against his resumé and did not recognize him on their AL Rookie of the Year ballots, an award named for a man, Jackie Robinson, who himself came to the bigs after playing against highly skilled competition in the Negro Leagues. But thanks for making up your own rules, Bill Ballou and Jim Souhan, 'cause baseball wouldn't be the same without you!

• Monstrous Madden 2004 Offensive Playbook — Did your play-action, fake-reverse halfback-option get stuffed for the 20th straight time? Here are some other potential Madden 2004 plays you can cook up, suggested by one very dedicated player.

• The New Czabe.com — A sports radio host re-launches his fun site. Don't miss The Daily Czabe, his ruminations on the current sports landscape. Plus, such audio files as Emmitt Smith crying and ... who cares, I've waited 13 years to hear Emmitt Smith cry.

• Cartoon: Trendy Baseball Stats — A humorous look at what GMs really look for in a free agent.

• Dr. Z's NFL Power Rankings — Looking for the Giants ... scrolling ... scrolling ... oh, here we are: the team that beats the Rams and Vikings yet can't seem to solve those pesky Falcons is No. 20. But still ahead of the Texans!

Paris Hilton Sex Tape Sets Amateur Porn Back Six Years

A three-minute teaser clip of the most anticipated film since The Godfather: Part III has been released online, and New York socialites now have a helluva lot more to talk about now than a week ago. (I'm not a socialite, and so I'm still fuming at the Giants' loss to the Falcons on Sunday.)

The PK.com movie staff has reviewed the clip — for educational purposes — and it can no longer be said that Paris Hilton doesn't do anything. Folks, she does a lot. We liked it better the first time, when it was called Pamela and Tommy Lee: Hardcore and Uncensored, but it's not a bad first-time effort. (Pamela, of course, had that Bret Michaels video already under her belt.)

Pam and Tommy's surf-and-turf adventure went public in 1997, six years ago, and it's gonna be another six years before any female celebrity is going to make private, homemade porn — or have sex with Rick Solomon. Tall, dark and weasely ain't gonna win over many ladies. And thanks for fucking it up for the rest of us. You think putting on a condom is a mood-breaker? Try waiting for your girl to scour the room for cameras.

The story all along has been about the attempted humiliation of Paris Hilton, but all she did was get freaky and get back-stabbed. There are two people, however, who are coming out of this a lot worse off. First, Solomon, of course, who has now put himself in the crosshairs of all the Hiltons' money (nice career move!). Second, there's "fucking Fred." Who's that, you ask? During a change of positions, Paris' cell phone rings. She sees who it is, but refuses to answer it, announcing disdainfully that it's "fucking Fred." How rude of Fred to interrupt such a private moment.

Presenting the Best of Craig's List

If you ever long for validation that you're not the only crazy person in America, check out Craig's List (founder Craig Newmark, right), a collection of forums for people looking to sell used furniture, buy event tickets or barter a late-night BJ for some pot.

Most of the posts sound innocent enough (Mystic River and hot tea, anyone?), but some ads for activity partners, casual encounters and missed connections are clearly written by some witty — and disturbed — individuals.

Thankfully, Craig's List saves us from having to sort through the boring stuff — Book club partner wanted! My god, where do I sign up? — and gets straight to the freaks by indexing its Best of Craig's List, with posts from not only New York but San Francisco, Boston and other cities that the Real World has filmed in.

Here are the current highlights from Best of Craig's List:

• The Worst Lay Ever — A New York woman describes a less-than-thrilling bedroom experience.

• Do You Go to Harvard? — A 21-year-old Bostonian, who is obviously impressed by U.S. News and World Report lists, wants to meet any Harvard student. "Gods amongst mortals," the fan writes.

• Looking for Fingernail Clippings — Meet this guy in Times Square if you want to contribute to his collection of fingernails from about 4,200 people. OK, but only if I get a spoonful.

• The Definitive NYC Farter's Guide — Tips on how best to pass the gas in the Big Apple. Think subways are off-limits? Our author asks, "Why spend your whole subway ride in intestinal and abdominal discomfort because you're afraid that Joe Subway Rider will smell and hear your gas?" He (or she!) also gives instructions to mastering a bathroom technique called the Butt-Stopper.

• You Were an Attractive Woman Who I Saw Outside Once — A hilarious rip on the vagueness of Missed Connections ads. The ad begins: "I caught your eye while you were walking somewhere and I was walking somewhere else. Or possibly we were both sitting. Or maybe one of us was walking. Or you might have actually have been driving."

• Naked Thumb Wrestling — Doing it in the nude, our male poster contends, is the only way to prevent women from using her sleeve to blanket and blind her opponents' thumb. "I simply don't want to deal with it anymore. It's childish," he laments.

• To Guy Who Pretended He Was Retarded — Shame on you! Shame on you, sir, who tried to steal a Caesar salad from Au Bon Pain, then pretended you were retarded after getting busted.

Other Web Finds:

• The Unusual History of Microsoft Windows — Monday is the 20th anniversary of the day Microsoft Corporation formally announced Microsoft Windows. Bill Gates would later amass a fortune of more than $60 billion. (Today just over $40 billion.)

• Celebrity Doubles — I can never get enough of impersonators. And just what is the demand for a Roberto Benigni look-alike in 2003? Here's Bill Gates, minus the $40 billion I mentioned above.

• Hacking Your iPod — I love mine, but it's getting sick. Maybe this site that features general troubleshooting and lessons on "how to hack the crap out of your iPod" will help.

• 'Paul Katcher' Madden Player Stats — My EAsports.com profile page, if you want to see how much I really, really suck at Madden 2004 online. The only close game was played by my friend. Here's what he did in the final 10 seconds of a game tied at 21. First, he chokes on a 45-yard field-goal attempt to win. A nervous twitch and he had no chance. Then, having to stop only one play to force OT, he gives up a 62-yard TD. And this is a guy who schools me.

The Paris Hilton Sex Video: Coming to a Monitor Near You

Webmasters everywhere are gearing up for yet another Google Olympics event, the race to attract the most users searching to view the Paris Hilton homemade porn movie that has reportedly been sent to several gossip columnists by ex-boyfriend Rick Solomon. (See news item.)

Solomon is described by E! Online as an on-again, off-again husband of Shannen Doherty. I shall describe him as a man who does very well for himself.

Getting back to the Google thing, a simple search for "pamela+tommy+lee+video" proves just how many sites — almost all of them phonies — are gonna jump on Paris Hilton and try to ride her to the top. Not yet known is which sites will actually feature the video, but we'll know as soon as the entire Internet crashes from the strain put on it from college students.

From a moral standpoint, I think it's totally reprehensible of Solomon to release this hardcore sex video for profit. Really, it's despicable. This kind of stuff should be made available for free.

(Friday morning update: The PK.com movie staff, in concert with the PK.com investigative team, has discovered that there is a 22MB video on Kazaa titled "Paris Hilton Sex Tape." The investigative team reports that this is a phony, and that the woman in question is adult film actress Krystal Steal. The movie staff concludes it's still a good video. It is being reported that Hilton is rather "out of it" in the legitimate video, perhaps even drooling. This should do wonders for Solomon's sex life. Stay tuned to PK.com News throughout the weekend for more information.)

Other News Links:

• Study: Millions Delete All Music Files — Without question, the RIAA has gained momentum in the battle of digital music sharing. The moral arguments didn't work with the public, but those lawsuits sure did. Which means people will go right back to sharing/stealing/whatever as soon as someone comes up with a more undetectable application. Meanwhile, Penn State and Napster have forged a deal that gives students a free subscription to the normally fee-based service — and many students are protesting that use of their funds.

• Has Playboy Become Socially Irrelevant? — Slate's Laura Kipnis on what the hell happened to a once-groundbreaking magazine. "Is the problem," she asks, "that Playboy just doesn't have anything to crusade against these days, having won so many of its cultural skirmishes?"

• FOX News: The Inside Story — From Salon: "A former Fox producer describes the ways — both subtle and blunt — that top executives impose a right-wing ideology on the newsroom." (If you aren't familiar with Salon, just click the day-pass link, watch a short ad and have run of the site at no charge.)

• Saint Ronald — In another Slate piece, Timothy Noah asks, "Why must we pretend the 40th president was alert and engaged?" Earlier this week Patti Davis wrote on TIME.com that the almost-CBS miniseries portrayed a family unfamiliar to her.

• Eyes Wide Shut: A Sex Party Experience — A Nerve.com personal essay by a man who attended a pitch-black party in which some of the rules were: men must be accompanies by a female; don't converse socially; be prepared for homoerotic contact.

The Worst Album Covers Ever

Meet Joyce, not exactly the most attractive woman to ever walk down the street. In fact, some might say she looks like Dorothy Michaels in Tootsie, who — might I remind you — was played by a man. But what Joyce lacks in sex appeal, she makes up for in originality, scoring a placement on Stone's wildly popular gallery of worst album covers ever.

The link has been something of a phenomenon over the past couple of days, ranking No. 1 on Blogdex, an index of popular links on blogs, which tend to skew toward any news story that makes either George W. Bush seem like an idiot or Donald Rumsfeld seem like a liar. But topless male band members of Orleans arm-in-arm will get the job done, too. So congrats to Stone for reaching his record number of hits, by far (see the site's recent traffic chart).

Most interesting to me is that his post was authored on Oct. 23 but became a phenomenon only this week. The Internet is a powerful tool, and just about anything could make a big splash if the right people notice it — even if it's not noticed right away. Like my gallery of horrible vanity credit cards.

Other Web Finds:

• Top 10 Digital Photography Tips — Some advice on how to capture life's most beautiful scenes: the Grand Canyon, baby animals, a Daytona Beach wet t-shirt contest.

• Kim Jong Il's Blog — The North Korean nukester has set up shop on LiveJournal. Can you believe he has time to post online? (Thanks, Pee Wee)

• Kylie Ireland's Items for Sale on eBay — Straight from the porn star herself, a host of items available this week, including autographed posters, boxer shorts and a dance costume worn for Michael Jordan.

Notre Dame's 'Return to Glory' Returned to Sender

Remember a year ago when Notre Dame's football program, rejuvenated under first-year coach Tyrone Willingham, was sitting at 10-1 and heading to USC for a shot at a BSC bowl berth? Well, that was 10 games and eight losses ago. I'm loving every minute, but WTF is going on?

According to a college football recruiting database featured on ESPN.com, Notre Dame has had a top-15 recruiting class in each of the last five years — in order from 2003-1999: 5, 14, 15, 12 and 2. (It's probably 50 straight years, but only these five rankings are available.)

The PK.com sports staff has pored over these rankings and discovered that only five other schools also reeled in top-15 recruiting classes in each of those seasons — Miami, Michigan, Ohio State, Tennessee and Texas. The key difference between them and ND? Those teams don't suck.

Notre Dame is not just losing. It's getting thumped — 44-13 to USC and 28-6 to NC State to end last season; losses this season to Michigan, USC and Florida State by a composite score of 120-14.

The news wires are filled with stories documenting Notre Dame's current failures, but none sum up the season quite like "Answers to Irish's problems not clear." The Irish do play a tough schedule, and there's no doubt that opposing coaches spend an inordinate amount of time analyzing that game, but this is like the New York Yankees leading the majors in payroll and still finishing in last place. A team full of high-quality recruits, a 2-6 record and not one bowl victory in 10 seasons? WTF, indeed.

(Couple of final ND tid-bits: I attended a 1998 game in South Bend and it was a pretty cool fall setting. Damn was it orderly. And on Dec. 6, the Almighty Ones finally come to the Carrier Dome. With both Syracuse and ND struggling, it ain't exactly as I'd dreamed. Tickets on eBay are still going for around $100 just to get in the building.)

Other Sports Links:

• Why Are Kenyans Fast Runners? — A Slate explainer that introduces some contention on whether dominance of Kenyans in marathons is attributable to nature or nurture.

• Salon Readers Try to Write Like Jeanne Zelasko — In an earlier column, King Kaufman skewered Zelasko's FOX intros, inspiring some witty responses from readers who tried their hand at clichés and corny plays on words.

• Big East the Best Hoops Conference Ever? — Now that the conference has added traditional powers Louisville, Cincinnati and the very respectable Marquette, arguments are being made that this year's Big East — with title contender UConn and national champ Syracuse — is the best ever. I think it's a moot point, as nothing in college basketball is as good as it was just 10 years ago.

• Mattingly Is Ready to Learn From Torre — It seems nobody wanted the Hitman to take the Yanks' hitting coach job more than his wife. Which begs the question, Why would a financially secure woman be so excited about her husband hitting the road for nine months?

• Coach Anaylzes AL Gold Glove Winners — A-Rod is the best-fielding shortstop in the league, too? Who knew? That boy's career is being wasted in Texas. I think he'd look good in pinstripes.

• Download Micro League Baseball for Your PC — Anyone familiar with this 1980s computer baseball strategy game? In 1988, I was addicted, and Tim Raines was my main weapon.

The Worst Dive of All Time

For my money, Thornton Melon's Triple Lindy in Back to School was pure magic. From the pre-dive arm farts, to the 1940s swimsuit to the three board springs that were equal parts athletic achievement and crude editing. Today, I give you something a little less technically sound, but equally entertaining: a video of the worst dive ever (2.6 MB mpeg).

To the right is a screen shot of the dive's climax, perhaps the only moment in human history where someone experienced the double humiliation of hitting his head on a diving board and having his ass crack exposed. But wait ... there's more! Less than a second later, the guy gets tossed halfway across the pool — sideways!

The New York Times calls it "riveting ... the best fat-guy performance since Matthew Perry circa 2000." Newsweek implores, "Call the coworkers over before you hit PLAY." And Ebert & Hussein give it two thumbs up.

(Can I also use this space to interject one more thing about P. Diddy's marathon run? After scoring with J. Lo and serving up sloppy seconds to Ben Affleck, does one really need to run 26.2 miles to prove he can accomplish anything? I mean, 35,000 people ran that damn race. How many people have had sex with J. Lo? A thousand? Maybe two thousand? I'd say that's more of an accomplishment.)

Other Web Finds:

• Turd Words — Definitions of such uncouth terms as Dirty Sanchez and Bucking Bronco. You've got balls if you try the No. 1 user-rated term, the Angry Pirate. Make sure your boss isn't reading these over your shoulder. (Thanks, Art)

• Bush in 30 Seconds — Michael Moore and other celebrities will judge this contest of video clips that "tells the truth about George W. Bush." Since Al Gore invented the Internet, this would be perfect for him.

• Three Minutes With RIAA Chief Cary Sherman — PCWorld chats with the man whose No. 1 concern is halting music piracy. And it looks like those publicity-generating lawsuits against individuals have had the desired effect.

• '80 Lyrics Quiz — A fill-in-the-blanks quiz where you try to complete '80s song lyrics. And if you think I'm gonna do this for 103 songs, you're crazy.

• 10 Things Your Dry Cleaner Won't Tell You — Smart Money tells you why you're getting hosed. And, oh no!, they used the "taken to the cleaners" line.

What Its Like to Pour Alcohol on Your Genitals

When I started this site more than three years ago, I wasn't quite sure if I'd ever be able to feature a picture of a Haitian woman pouring hot pepper-spiced homemade alcohol on her genitals. But like P. Diddy's quest to prove himself athletically superior to Oprah, I never lost site of the dream.

Here is part of the official caption of the photo to your right (see larger version):

A Vodou believer pours hot pepper-spiced homemade alcohol on her genital area, one of the key rituals during Gede, a Vodou holiday dedicated to Baron Samdi and the Gede family of spirits of the dead, while other believers, one clutching a miniature coffin, look on in the National Cemetery in Port-au-Prince, Haiti, on November 1, 2003, which is All Saints Day and is also the first of two days devoted to the Gede, who are feted for most of the month of November.

I was thinking of using this photo in one of my world famous Beat This Caption posts, but, really, what's the point? I mean, maybe you could write something like, "Manny Ramirez's mother retires from procreating," but it's still not going to beat any combination of hot pepper-spiced homemade alcohol and genitals.

Other News Links:

• Stop Calling Firefighters 'Heroes' — Slate, the best site for commentary on the web, gets ballsy with an article that lays out the myths of being a firefighter. Delivering pizzas is statistically more dangerous, and the hours are cushy beyond belief. I certainly admire the work they do, but, as a whole, I thought the hero card was prostituted after 9/11 in situations where it absolutely did not belong. Firemen from NYC and other areas would wear their firehouse t-shits to bars just to get attention and it was disgraceful. And, of course, there are plenty of men who can never be paid back for what they did on 9/11 and afterward, and who had enough dignity to not flaunt 9/11 for personal advantage.

• Arnie Election Race to Become Porn Movie — Wow, just think of the possibilities. A threesome with Arnold, Maria and ... Gary Coleman!

• Bush Says God Chose Him to Lead U.S. — Well, it sure wasn't the public. (Rim shot.)

• Adult Bookstore Employee Hoses Down Camera-Toting Protester — An a-hole who posts digital pictures of an adult bookstore's customers gets a money shot from a pissed off employee.

• Blogs Emerge As Hot New Ad Medium — Manufacturers are sending products to bloggers in the hopes they will write positively about them. Hey, it's a smart tactic. Now, if you people at Vivendi Universal are listening, send me a copy of The Simpsons: Hit and Run video game and I'll give you 500 glowing words.

Photos: 2003 New York City Marathon

Cheering on marathoners logging their final miles in Central Park is always an incredible experience. It is simply amazing to see thousands of people from diverse backgrounds sharing one common trait: they all look like shit.

They look dazed, pained, emaciated. Some even look French. And this is worth getting up at 6 a.m. for six months and running 60 miles a week? As Mike Lupica once said, running a marathon is a great test of the human body and spirit, but so is a hot dog-eating contest.

But I kid, mostly. I never miss a chance to see at least part of the race. I appreciate the runners' commitment and the way NYC comes together to cheer on strangers, from near and far. I do have some photos from Sunday, but I'd be lying if I said they were exciting. Don't miss, however, this large photo I took of P. Diddy around the 22-mile mark.

Photos: Halloween 2003 in NYC

I didn't exactly capture the scene in the city — was so worn down from a week of late nights that I slept after work and didn't leave the apartment till 11:30 p.m. — but I did get some good shots at the sexiest costume contest at Doc Holliday's in the East Village. Plus, everyone's favorite, artsy Lincoln Center photos!

Other New York Links:

• Toilet Call Paralyses Transport Network — Some dude dropped his cell phone in a train's toilet and left thousands of commuters stranded. And now, Metro-North Railroad may seek compensation.

• Marathon-Viewing Bars on First Ave. — MurphGuide.com's recommended watering holes to grab a pint and watch the marathon. My tip: watch a little from inside Central Park, well before the finish line. There's much less of a crowd, a pretty backdrop and, hopefully, good photo-ops when P. Diddy comes around winded.

• Queens Dad Stabbed By Teen Ghouls — A man walking with his wife and baby in a stroller was nearly stabbed to death by a gang of teens who had been tossing eggs at passing cars. They fled before cops arrived.