PaulKatcher.com

Full Disclosure: KISSNATION Guitarist Ruby Rinekso

This week we interview Ruby Rinekso, who plays the role of guitarist Ace Frehley for the tribute band KISSNATION. I've seen this band live a couple of times (see my pics from a recent show), and they really capture the essence of KISS: rockin' grooves, live performances that are energetic, loose and fun, and shameless promotion. Let's find out what it takes to make it (sort of) as a rock-god...

1. Pretend you're writing a radio ad for KISSNATION. Go.
In 1973, four men in New York City joined together to form "The Hottest Band in the World" ... KISS! Now years later on those very same streets, another group of four celebrate and continue the legend.

Don't miss KISSNATION, NYC's tribute to KISS in full makeup, platform heels and costume! An intense rock 'n' roll extravaganza, KISSNATION performs all your favorite KISS Klassics from the '70s, '80s and '90s. So fasten your seat belts and get ready to rock and roll all night because KISSNATION is comin' right at ya.

2. How did the band get started? Did you see how many chicks an ugly guy like Gene Simmons got when he put on clown paint and spandex and think, "yep, that's for me?"
To make a long story short, my bassist (Carlos) and I have been friends for awhile and have been doing this since 1996-97. We both got a kick out of dressing as our particular characters on occasions such as Halloween and coincidentally played guitar and bass in other bands and just decided to do this out of fun. That was several years ago, and with different band members. Our current lineup (consisting of Paulie Z. as Paul Stanley, and Joey Cassata as Eric Carr/Peter Criss on the drums) has been together for the past two years.

As for the girls ... well, that's always an added incentive.

3. Have you ever played for a member of KISS?
Actually KISS is fully aware of our existence and has been kind of us to ask us to be involved in some ventures with them. Both Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley surprised us when we played the Whisky on the Sunset Strip in L.A. They hid in the back and came out for the encores.

Our Gene Simmons, Carlos, handles p.r. for Art Asylum, the toy company that has produced several lines of KISS toys, so he has had some day-to-day dealings with Gene himself.

4. What's been the performance highlight of your KISSNATION career?
There have been many, but the one that comes quickly to mind is the aforementioned incident at The Whisky. Another highlight would be a recent show in Trump Plaza in Atlantic City where KISS spent the day signing autographs and asked us to do a show that night because they couldn't do it. The venue changed the event as a "Tribute to KISS" night, and our dressing rooms happened to be right next door to theirs. Strange but true

5. Is this a full-time gig for you guys or more of a way to make a little money and have some fun?
No this is just part time. We all have other careers.

6. When was the last Halloween when you didn't dress up as Ace Frehley?
Actually this past year. I dressed up as Han Solo, and my girlfriend was Princess Leia in her slave-girl outfit. Hubba Hubba

7. What are three tips for achieving and sustaining tribute band success?
• Talent (musical and performance skills/recreating your character)

• Tolerance and acceptance (understanding fellow band members' opinions and standings)

• And of course, a little luck

8. What are three tips for growing into a talented guitarist, as opposed to a Margaritaville-strumming hack?
Couldn't tell ya. I might be headed down to Margaritaville myself! Ha-ha.

9. When you see a chick in the audience will a KISS tattoo, do you even have to ask for a blowjob?
Yes, but it's only a formality. Ha-ha.

10. Are you as unabashed self-promoters as KISS? Will we see KISSNATION Kondoms and Kaskets, six tell-all book and five farewell tours?
Yes. Actually we do have t-shirts for both men and the ladies (can't forget them). Also, look out for the official KISSNATION cologne coming soon. Who wouldn't wanna smell like four sweaty guys from New York City? (Kidding.)

11. What are your favorite music-related websites?
There's only one that counts: kissnation.com. But I hear kissonline.com is pretty good too.

12. What's the best way for fans to learn about upcoming shows, so they can feel the energy of KISS NATION?
Oh come on, do I even have to mention now?

Log onto kissnation.com for ALL your KISSNATION needs.

Paul's Recap: Thanks to Ruby for taking us behind the makeup of KISSNATION. These guys do it right: they spit blood, perform flaming guitar solos, and toss roses to the chicks during Beth. Gene, I mean Carlos, even hit me in the shoulder with a pick at the last show. Next time try hitting me in the eye when you fling a small object in the dark, you demonic freak!

If you're a fan of early KISS, these guys do it better than the fifty-something originals who are lip-synching their way through Super Bowl pregame shows and Olympics closing ceremonies. Don't miss KISSNATION, the hottest (tribute) band in the world!

Want to be interviewed for a future edition of PK.com's Full Disclosure? E-mail Paul.

PK.com Goes on the Disabled List

Writing for this site just got a lot more painful. After 30 years I am carrying my first cast, to cover a broken right thumb suffered diving for a ball in softball Tuesday night.

Since it limits my ability to type, it looks like this site will be updated much less frequently for the next six weeks (barring a second opinion, seeking it this week). But that's the good news! Shit, when you compare it to the fact that my golf vacation to Myrtle Beach is shot, my softball and billiards playoff teams aborted, my guitar playing halted, my job skills hindered and my PlayStation 2 goof-off time eliminated, not being able to update this site is reason to celebrate.

Of course, I can still watch sports and drink beer, so it's not a total loss. But shit, I have never felt this incapable in my life.

I hope to find some quick-burst subjects to treat you with in the near future, but please understand that the its going to be tough typing up Rodney Dangerfield jokes every night. But, hey, you can always drop your own posts onto my message board.

Meet Dr. Zizmor, New York's Principal Pimple Popper

Abe Froman may be the Sausage King of Chicago, but even he would have to take a number in the deli section of life when it comes to battling New York's King of Clean Skin, Dr. Jonathan Zizmor, in the field of local celebrity clout.

Zizmor, a dermatologist, is as ubiquitous on a subway as a frat boy two years removed sweating out last night's alcohol through his suit. His tacky billboard ads have blanketed New York's subway cars for years, but I didn't realize his cult following until I heard a KISS tribute band introduce one of its most popular songs by saying, "It's time to call out the doctor! Not Zizmor! We're talking about Doctor Love!" (Crowd goes wild.)

Word has it Zizmor designs his own ads, and the best thing you can say about him as an art director is that he's a great dermatologist.

Let's catch up with Dr. Zizmor on this great porno arcade we call the World Wide Web...

The New Yorker Meets the Jonathan Zizmors

Zizmor Listed Among New York Magazine's Loopiest New Yorkers

Is Dr. Zizmor Annoying or Not?

Subway Ads Deconstructed

Other New York Links:

Clay Enos' 'Night' Photography — One of my buddies has posted an amazing new collection of photography of New York's nightlife, including a lot from Red Rock West and Coyote Ugly, and some from NYCBP.com's spring 2003 booze cruise.

5 Line Ranks Last in Straphangers Campaign's "State of the Subways" — No surprise here. Those East side lines suck a good deal of wind.

New York Expands GLBT Public School — One hundred gay, lesbian and bisexual students are expected to enroll in September. The school is named for San Francisco's first openly gay supervisor who was assassinated in 1978, and Mayor Bloomberg said Monday that some of the students "have been constantly harassed and beaten in other schools."

New York Gym Offers Yoga for Dogs — Mideast peace? Not yet. Racial and religious tolerance? Not quite. Animal yoga? Yeah, we got that!

Beat This Caption: President Bush

"George W. Bush reacts with great shock upon hearing that his new CIA director is George Costanza."

(To beat this caption, click "Post a Comment" below.)

Full Disclosure: Salon.com Sportswriter King Kaufman

Today we interview one of my favorite sports columnists — online or otherwise — King Kaufman of Salon.com. King writes for sports fans with brains — somewhere between George Will and a face-painter — so I was pleased to learn that King's workload recently got ramped up to five columns a week.

I fired off some questions to the star of King Kaufman's Sports Daily and, just like his column, his answers are thoughtful and interesting...

1. Pretend you're writing a 30-word ad for "King Kaufman's Sports Daily." Go.
Reading King Kaufman's Sports Daily is like talking to the guy on the next barstool, if the guy on the next barstool were pretty smart and not drunk.

2. Salon.com's financial situation has always been a point of interest for new media journalists, because the site is not funded by a giant like Microsoft or AOL Time Warner. Has it been hard to simply concentrate on editorial knowing the balance sheet gets as much attention as the articles?
I don't think that not being funded by a giant makes Salon any more of a precarious operation than if it were. I spent years working for the San Francisco Examiner, which was owned by the Hearst Corporation at the time. That giant enough for you? The threat of layoffs and even complete shutdown was a constant there. Being independent means you might have to lay people off to stay alive. Being owned by a giant means you might have to lay people off to satisfy the giant's bottom line. Either way, those schmucks wake up the next morning unemployed.

It hasn't been hard for me personally to concentrate on editorial matters knowing the balance sheet gets as much attention as the articles because my job is to write the articles. Before that my job was to edit the articles. I can't do a lot about the balance sheet, which I probably couldn't even decipher if they showed it to me. They have smart people to handle that stuff.

I will say that your question would be an interesting one to ask of David Talbot, the founder and editor, who has had to turn himself into a businessman over the last eight years while also very much running the editorial operation. I know there have been times, a lot of them, when he's had to let others handle the editorial side while he went off with the business folks to raise money or whatever.

But for me, and I suspect for most people on the editorial side, the way the dynamic you talk about manifests itself is in good old-fashioned worrying about your job. It's no different from working for any other operation that's struggling to get into the black for the first time, or battling a tough economy or an industry slump, or all of the above. You wonder if we're going to make it. You worry about what you'll do if worse comes to worse. You keep your resume updated and hope for the best. There have been some scares at Salon, where it looked like the end may be near, and maybe there will be more in the future. But all I can really do is just keep doing my job. I sure don't want to trade it for any other job.

3. When you apply for press credentials to sporting events, do you get treated the same as members of print and television mediums?
No. There are some places where I'm on more or less an equal footing, but for the most part the major sports leagues and teams have not been willing to give Salon the kind of access that they routinely give, for example, to tiny suburban daily newspapers that rarely even use it. There are baseball teams, for instance, that simply won't credential me. Others will give me what's usually called a visitor's press pass, which gets me in the press box and on the field, but not in the clubhouse. It's frustrating. I go through phases of trying to fight through it, of just banging and banging and banging on the door in hopes that they'll open up, and then I go through phases of just kind of backing off. I'm in one of those now.

The access problem is annoying, but it isn't crushing for what I do. Essentially, I'm writing from the point of view of an informed fan. I do some reporting to get informed, but there's a lot of things I'm not. I'm not an insider like Peter Gammons, working the back channels for tidbits. I'm not going to be the guy with the scoop that Joe Shlabotnik is being traded to the Yankees tomorrow. I'm not an expert who's going to really break down the cover-two defense for you. I'm an observer, just like most fans are. The difference is that I write about my observations, as opposed to annoying my friends with them. I mean as opposed to just annoying my friends with them, because I also do that.

4. Are sports still fun for you? Can you still be a fan and a professional sportswriter?
Yes, sports are still fun. There are times when it's a job. Anything can become just a job. "Oh, crap, I have to watch this game and write about it." You know: Poor me. I can still be a fan, but I'm not exactly a foam finger in the air kind of fan, if you know what I mean. Never have been. I have fun, I root for my teams, I get a kick out of going to games in other cities, I like watching games on TV, all that. But there's always that writer side of me lurking around there somewhere, looking for angles, filing away memories. I'm almost always observing at least a little bit, even when I'm participating, if I can say that without sounding too pretentious.

I don't know about the cause and effect there, though. I think I'm a writer because I approach things that way. I don't think I approach things that way because I'm a writer.

So sports can be fun, but they can also be not fun. I spend a lot of time thinking about how sports entities just really don't give a crap at all about their fans. Your local football or baseball team, whose insignia is part of your very identity, who you live and die with and love with a passion beyond anything else in your life -- if you didn't have a wallet, that team wouldn't care that you existed. And if you'd just leave your wallet and go away, I think they'd probably be happier. They wouldn't have to clean up after you or make sure you didn't break anything. The one-sidedness of that relationship, between team and fan, is just weird to me. The power dynamic is all out of whack. You devote your whole life to the Pittsburgh Steelers, say. You have a shrine to them in your house. You name your kids Franco and Mean Joe. You dress only in black and yellow and never miss a game. And if you suddenly stopped all of that, the Steelers wouldn't even know, much less care. They'd sell your season ticket to somebody else and never give you another thought. It just seems like a bad relationship to me.

I mean, I think about this stuff a lot.

But on the other hand, when the Giants were in the World Series last year: Wow!

So yes, it's still fun for me, but I should point out that my gig is pretty well suited for keeping sports fun. I write about different sports all the time, and I write from this fan-like point of view. It's a little different when you're a beat writer, and day after day you're grinding out the news about one team and its games.

5. What are three of your favorite sports memories?
Hard to pick three, but here's the first three that come to mind.

(1) Buster Douglas knocking out Mike Tyson. It didn't really work out for Buster, and Tyson's subsequent history makes the upset seem less shocking than it seemed that night, but at the time, it was just astounding. I watched it in a bar, and I remember this old guy next to me just walking circles around his bar stool going, "Ho-lee shit! Ho-lee shit!" It was just an unbelievable, inconceivable thing. Because we can see the whole arc of Tyson's career and life now, that loss to Douglas has some context, it's understandable. It's only been 13 years, but it's already hard to convey just how absolutely stunning an upset it was. That's an interesting thing about upsets: They fade with time. They just become a part of history: Of course Tunney beat Dempsey; of course the Jets beat the Colts in Super Bowl III. We get used to the result and the shock of it doesn't come through the years. But that Douglas-Tyson upset was the greatest upset I've ever seen. It was inspiring. It was world-rocking. I wrote a column the next day saying that if we could imagine Tyson losing, we could imagine anything, even world peace or something! I was kind of joking, but still, that's how it got you thinking.

(2) Maybe you had to be there, but: Cal beating Stanford in the Big Game in 1986, Joe Kapp's last year as coach. I was a Cal student at the time. Kapp, who was an absolute lunatic, had been fired at midseason, effective at the end of the year, after he pretty much had an emotional meltdown following a loss. (And emotional meltdowns with Kapp were kind of hard to differentiate from just everyday wackiness, but this one involved him very nearly exposing himself at a postgame press conference.) The team came in 1-9, with an eight-game losing streak, and Stanford was 7-2 and headed for a bowl. If I recall, Stanford took the opening kickoff and marched smartly downfield for a touchdown, and we all went, "Uh-oh, here we go again." And from that moment on, Cal dominated. The Cal side of the crowd, especially the student section, went bananas for three hours straight. It was the most emotional, intense crowd I've ever been a part of, and the sweetest victory any team I've ever rooted for has ever achieved. Sports Illustrated rated this game as the 10th greatest college football upset of all time a few years ago. I would have said the Big Game four years earlier, when Cal won on "The Play," but I could have gone to that game but didn't because of a mix-up, and 21 years later I'm still bitter about it.

(3) Rookie Magic Johnson jumping center and scoring 42 points in the final game of the 1980 Finals against Philadelphia with Kareem Abdul-Jabaar injured. That was really something.

6. Sports is not the focus of the general-news positioned Salon.com. In what ways is that good and bad for you, as opposed to, say, writing for ESPN.com?
I don't know. I've never written for a sports-only operation like ESPN.com. I guess it's good because I stand out in the editorial mix. I like the fact that I have my own little corner to work in. I like the fact that I'm writing about sports for an audience that's not necessarily made up only of hardcore sports fans, though hardcore sports fans are definitely part of that audience. It's a challenge, and one I enjoy, to try to make my writing interesting to them, and also to someone who doesn't really follow sports.

7. Care to plug any popular past articles you think would help turn on new readers?
My current column is always at http://www.salon.com/sports. My archives are at http://dir.salon.com/topics/king_kaufman/index.html. I'd rather send people there than point them to some "greatest hits." If you look at two or three pieces from the past week and you think I'm a boring hack, I don't think the Greatest Piece I've Ever Written is going to change your mind, even if I knew what that piece was.

8. Besides the final score, is there anything home teams care more about than the final tally of beer sales?
Besides the final score, I think there's nothing the home team cares about more than the bottom line. And in some cases, they care more about the bottom line than about the final score. Caring about the bottom line isn't a bad thing, obviously. It's what makes our world go. The problem is that with most home teams, it goes even further: They care more about short-term profits than anything else. They'll mortgage the future and sell out the fans — I'm talking here about extorting taxpayers to build stadiums and arenas with threats that they'll leave town, among other things — for that purpose.

9. Why do you think some Kansas fans bitched about Roy Williams leaving for UNC, but didn't protest much when Bill Self ditched Illinois for Kansas?
I don't know. Didn't they? Maybe Illinois people need a self-esteem boost. Maybe it seems understandable to them that a basketball coach would leave Illinois to go to Kansas, but Kansas people can't imagine a basketball coach leaving to go anywhere, even North Carolina, even though that's the guy's alma mater. It could be because Williams was there longer, and it could be because he made that silly speech three years ago that he was staying then because he couldn't leave his players. Now he can suddenly leave his players? Maybe if he'd been a little more honest three years ago ("The offer wasn't good enough to get me to leave a place I like"), it wouldn't have stung as much when he did leave. But really I can't say this strongly enough: I don't know.

Oh, wait. I just re-read the question. I misread it, didn't I? I think Kansas fans didn't complain when Self ditched Illinois because it benefitted them. Basic human nature. I like my answer to the question I thought you asked (Why didn't ILLINOIS fans protest as much when Self left?), so I'm leaving it.

10. What are your favorite online sports sites?
I love baseball-reference.com. I could spend hours there. The related sites for other sports, basketballreference.com and profootballreference.com, are OK but not nearly as complete. I like Baseball Prospectus and Baseball Primer. Retrosheet.org is pretty amazing. I love looking up box scores for games I went to as a kid. I find Sports Business News to be interesting and useful. ESPN.com and SI.com are both very good for the news and lots of good commentary, though as Web sites they are both annoyingly busy, ponderous and slow. I love Gregg Easterbrook's "Tuesday Morning Quarterback" football column on ESPN's Page 2. Those two sites, plus Yahoo! Sports and USA Today are good for current stats, though I wish just one of them could be as clean and fast as baseball-reference.com. The various league sites are all pretty bad, both in terms of content and usability, though they do have their uses for research purposes, and I like being able to listen to the radio feed of different baseball games on mlb.com.

11. LeBron James' all-white suit. Is he already a bust just for wearing that?
No way. The world needs more men in white suits. Mark Twain, the Good Humor Man, Col. Sanders. Men in white suits are good. A friend's father wore a white suit to her wedding. He's from Argentina. I asked around how old I'd have to be before I could pull off a white suit like that. My friends all agreed: Whatever the answer is, you ain't there yet.

PAUL'S RECAP: Thanks to King for taking so much time to answer my questions with such thoroughness. His columns are of the same quality, and he genuinely is one of the stars of online sportswriting. Go check out King Kaufman's Sports Daily, and you will not be disappointed.

Head 2 Head: Grand Lakes University vs. Adams College

Here's how Head 2 Head works: I throw out a debate between two people, places or things, and you settle it by posting a comment.

Today's question: Which education of higher learning would you rather attend, Grand Lakes University (Back to School) or Adams College (Revenge of the Nerds)

Grand Lakes University, Dean Martin presiding
Pros: Every campus has its share of horny, drunken co-eds, but where else can you nail the English professor? Especially when you're 65 and look 100, while the babe you're bangin' used to be known as "Hot Lips." ... Simply combining two dorms rooms resembles the presidential suite at the Ritz. Combine my two freshman dorm rooms and you get something slightly larger than a prison cell ... Thornton's cousin Bubbles ... Sam Kinison and Kurt Vonnegut are regulars.
Cons: When your headlining sport is diving, you're in worse shape than Rutgers, Vanderbilt and Baylor combined ... Keith Gordon as Jason Melon. Dick Butkus could literally laugh at this guy's acting ... How great a catch could Diane have been if Dr. Phillip Barbay already got her?

Adams College, Dean Ulich presiding
Pros: Belching contests. Gotta get me in one of those someday. I'll have Booger cryin' for his mama ... Managed to withstand the curse of Ted McGinley, who ruined, among others, Happy Days, Love Boat and Married ... With Children. Here he deserves as Oscar for his role as Alpha Beta member/president of the Greek Council//quarterback Stan Gable ... I'm applying to any school where a dork like Louis Skolnick can get a piece of ass like Betty Childs to ride the baloney pony ... The pies!
Cons: The Moos. They sure can party, but my god, they don't even make beer goggles that strong ... Can't be havin' a pussy like Dean Ulich running the show. Coach Harris (John Goodman) ate his ass for lunch. And it shows.

Back to School Links: Quotes | Reviews

Revenge of the Nerds Links: Sounds | Quotes | Reviews

BREAKING NEWS!
Dangerfield To Go 'Back To School' — Rodney has has signed a deal with MGM to remake the 1986 classic comedy. I think I have died and gone to heaven. (Then again, I'm not 13 anymore.) What better way to celebrate than to listen to Rappin' Rodney?

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I have 'em both the same way: very rare.

Anyone Up for Springsteen Sunday?

One of my friends bailed on seeing Bruce Springsteen on Sunday night, July 27, at Giants Stadium. So now we have an extra ticket to join our group of seven others. Anyone want it?

Section 332, Row 31. Ticket is $67 ($57 + ridiculous $10 Ticketmaster fee).

Also: I again have two floor tickets the Sat., Aug. 30 Springsteen concert at Giants Stadium. Section 7, Row 19. $200 for the pair. (Seating chart.)

And...: I've got plenty of Bon Jovi at Giants Stadium tickets to get rid of. Thurs., Aug. 7, four lower-tier seats, Section 123, Row 23. And Fri., Aug. 8, six lower-tier seats, Section 123, Row 34. $67 each ($57 + ridiculous $10 Ticketmaster fee).

Was Kobe 'The Kind of Guy' to Cheat on His Wife?

Since only two people know what happened behind closed doors between Kobe Bryant and the 19-year-old woman who brought sexual assault charges against him, one would hope people would reserve judgment until all the facts and evidence were entered into a court of law.

Yet, LeBron James "will support Kobe, because he's my man." Magic Johnson speaks for the entire Lakers organization when he says, "We're supporting him 100 percent." New teammate Karl Malone says, "When you're teammates with somebody as an athlete, you go though the thick and thin, the good and the bad, and I support him."

Kobe is already guilty of cheating on his wife. And even if this was the first time he did so (imagine the odds; no really, imagine), you would think the "he's not that kind of guy" defense would be given a rest. Two weeks ago, would these same friends have said "he wasn't the type of guy" to cheat on his wife?

Maybe that LeBron is even better than we all think. I mean, he wasn't even in the state and he knows what happened. Either that or he "supports" a rapist.

Here's what I support: our legal system. Evidence, or lack thereof, should settle this case. That's it.

Other Kobe Bryant Case Links:

Radio Talk-Show Host Names Kobe Bryant's Accuser — Tom Leykis (remember the name should Bryant be found guilty) has violated general media policy to not disclose names of rape accusers because he did not believe the woman's claims. I guess this is his way of helping to curb false accusations of rape. But what if he's wrong?

Stars Voice Support for Kobe — No less a legal authority than Wyclef Jean says, "I definitely think [Kobe will] definitely get through this whole thing."

My Case of Mistaking Kobe's Identity — ESPN's David Aldridge, a class act (whoops! how do I know?) says he frankly has no idea whether Bryant committed sexual assault. Finally, a guy who knows Kobe who doesn't lend blind support.

Eagle Teen Offered $12,500 For Kobe Bryant Story — Pile of shit National Enquirer sees only dollars. Would love to meet someone who works there someday and ask them some questions about their lives.

Ships Ahoy! NYCBP.com Booze Cruise 2 Set for July 29

Start planning the detox program for early August. New York City Bartenders and Patrons will be hosting its second cruise around lower Manhattan on Tuesday, July 29, aboard the Half Moon (or, as I like to call it, the Floating Lawsuit). This is not the night to be sitting on the couch watching NYPD Blue.

The three-hour tour is being billed as the "Bad Girls" Booze Cruise, a reference to the bartenders Captain Kevin Fitzpatrick has hired from Coyote Ugly, Yogi's and Who's on First. These barmaids are a little behind on their trips to confession.

Full details and ticket-buying info.

Many of you may remember my recap and pictures from the NYCBP.com spring booze cruise, a genuinely wild affair that was also quite scenic. How universal were the rave reviews? The Red Rock West bouncers were actually spotted smiling. It'll be a tough act to follow, but why not join me in giving it a shot?

Other New York Links:

The Photo Kitchen — A loyal visitor to PK.com has put much of her stunning photography online. Every shot a winner.

'Lie or Die' — Aftermath of a Murder — A fantastic multimedia production by the New York Times — perhaps the finest online news site — on the murder of a young man set to testify against the killer of his friend.

Karl Schatz' Photoblog — A talented photographer and friend of mine just launched his photoblog, complete with commentary on each shot. Categories include NYC, Panorama and the irresistible Dogs. Go pay him a visit and comment on the shots.

NYC Sightseeing Tours — Even the locals can live to 100 and not absorb all the wonderful sights, sounds and history of this great city. Walk around to see locations filmed for TV shows and movies, cruise around the island, take a helicopter over the skyline.

The Agony of Victory — The New York Times examines why New York sports fans whine so much, despite successes that far outweigh those in Chicago, Boston and Philadelphia.

Review: The Bronx Zoo

If ever there was an omen that it was going to be a bad day at the zoo, it would have been the 50 or so balled-up turds the first animal we saw (a camel) dropped in front of us. But on this beautiful Sunday afternoon, we were not going to be defeated. So we overcame the rude greeting, I got my close-up picture of the camel toe, and we had a great day. (And who were we to complain? It's not like any of us was the kid who was raking up said balls of turd with a rake. I know what you did last summer!)

Other highlights of the trip included: a record-breaking 20-minute crap by one of my friends, a masturbating monkey who stretched his red ding-a-ling like a six-inch rubber band, another monkey who tried to rape another then ran away to take a whizz, and the woman who corrected her son when he misidentified a peacock: "That's not a chicken. Chickens are when we go visit grandma in Puerto Rico."

Here's my photo album from the trip.

Review: Bruce Springsteen at Giants Stadium

Like authors and painters, musicians leave behind bodies of work that can be appreciated forever after their deaths. They used to be called records. Now they're called stolen MP3 files. Unlike their creative cohorts, though, musicians can only fully be appreciated in a live venue, at the peak of their relevance. That is why I couldn't wait to see my first Bruce Springsteen concert.

Is Bruce at his most relevant point of his career? Few would argue that he is. Though less than one year removed from being a TIME magazine cover boy, catching Springsteen now is not like seeing him live in 1975, when he adorned both the cover of TIME and Newsweek in the same week. But I remember a band I did see at Giants Stadium at the height of its rock prominence, Guns 'n' Roses. That was in 1991, when they headlined for Metallica. The entire audience waited over two hours for a set change and it was far from worth it. Bruce Springsteen could have kicked their ass 12 years earlier and I know he kicked their ass 12 years later.

Friday's July 18 show fittingly started with Who'll Stop the Rain?, a CCR classic that made it unexpectedly into the set list as a heavy downpour, accompanied by lightning, soaked all 55,000 white people in attendance, except for unlucky few who were seated deep within the lower level and mezzanine sections. The first half of the show was dominated by songs off The Rising, a 9/11-influenced album that does not lend itself to stadium rock, aside from Mary's Place, which has always been my favorite track off the record. The Rising and My City of Ruins (written about Asbury Park, not New York) are two of my favorites, too. His version of the former before an MTV awards show and the latter during the ultra-somber Tribute to Heroes Sept. 21, 2001 telethon were, to me, two all-time TV music performances. Jersey shore cheeseball who can't sing? Not sure who you're talking about.

(The only unfortunate sighting was a drunk guy pulling a drunk chick into the aisle to sway to a slow-song with cupped hands in that white-man-trying-to-get-laid-at-a-wedding way. The song was Empty Sky, an obvious reference to NYC's altered skyline.)

The second half of the show was dominated by Bruce classics — American rock 'n' roll, cooked to perfection — and even a three-hour show couldn't fit 'em all. No Thunder Road, no Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out. I didn't have much voice left anyway, even if the 53-year-old on stage did.

Maybe we'll get to hear them when I return on July 27, as the 550,000-tickets-sold Giants Stadium leg of the tour rolls on.

Man Beaten in NYC by Gay Bashers

This from the Sunday New York Post

Detectives are investigating a gay-bashing incident that occurred early [Saturday] in Greenwich Village, police said.

A 26-year-old man told cops that he was standing in front of 220 W. Houston St. at 3:45 a.m. when five men in a car pulled up and began making anti-gay statements to him.

The gang then beat him up before driving off.

The victim sustained minor injuries and refused medical attention, police said.

Yeah, we're the greatest country in the world. With more asshole products of a poisoned society than we care to admit. I wish an early death on all those senseless cowards.

Newspapers' greatest purpose is to spread information that matters, to educate the public, paint a true representation of our city and help people them defend themselves. Instead, we have gossip bullshit on page 1 and crimes like this buried in the police blotter. (Then again it's the Post, so I don't know what I am complaining about.)

And if this stuff happens in New York, one of the most gay-friendly places in America, you can only imagine what happens elsewhere.

A Couple of Sports Stories That Matter

Perhaps you missed Wednesday night ESPYs, ESPN's generally ignored self ass-kiss of the Disney sports/entertainment empire. If so, congratulations. You missed Carmelo Anthony dedicating much of his acceptance speech for Best Male College Athlete to himself for working so hard.

Unfortunately, you would have also missed Jake Porter receiving his ESPY. Porter, of course, had perhaps the greatest Ohio high school football rushing career, averaging over 20 yards per attempt. On the second and last carry of his career, he rambled 49 yards untouched for a touchdown as time expired to narrow his team's losing margin to 42-7.

The crowd cheered wildly. At least the ones not crying. Jake Porter is retarded, born at birth with Chromosomal Fragile-X and a lot of guts. He showed up every day for practice and it paid off in the end, when in the final play of the final home game, the seas parted and he dashed for the end zone. Almost like everyone had planned that send-off as a gift. Just to say thanks for being around.

(Read Jake Porter's story and watch the video of his inspirational run.)

Also on Wednesday night, I learned that former Loyola women's lacrosse coach Diane Geppi-Aikens had died at the end of last month. For eight years, she had been fighting a brain tumor that partially paralyzed her left side. Coaching till the very end, she led her top-ranked Greyhounds' to national semifinals for the seventh time. Knowing it was going to be her last shot, the loss to eventual champ Princeton was devastating to her players.

When I learned of Geppi-Aikens' fight, I had seen her only as a wheelchair-ridden, seemingly older woman (pictured, right). But she was only 40 when she died. The picture on the left is of the same woman, taken just one year ago. I couldn't believe it when I saw it.

Important Health News for Jenna Jameson Fans

People around the globe are grabbing boxes of Kleenex after hearing the great news coming out of Australia's Cancer Council Victoria, which has concluded that men who ejaculate frequently — whether through sex with another human being or with the assistance of a broadband connection and lotion — are less likely to suffer from prostate cancer.

It's a simple matter of regular pipe cleaning warding off the carcinogenic effect on the cells lining the prostatic ducts. Or, as I like to call it, a great excuse for a blow job.

This is all certainly good news for businesses in Las Vegas, home to annual porn conventions with a target audience of men who type in chat rooms with one hand. Not to mention the increased traffic to the state's licensed brothels. The economy is finally looking up.

Other News Links:

FOXSports.com Puts Writing Gig Up for Bid — A perennial second-rate outfit is taking cash in exchange for the privilege of "covering" NASCAR’s New England 300. That doesn't include going to the event. It entails watching it on TV and writing about it, like you could do for free on your own site.

Jose Canseco Street in Miami Could Get Name Change — They could always called it Steroid-Using Wife-Beating Boulevard.

My Life as a TV Executive — TIME's Joel Stein spends a week running the Trio network. His dream of airing reruns of The Chevy Chase Show falls short, but succeeds in getting My Mother the Car back on the tube.

Christina Ricci Living in Fear of House Plants — I bet she shakes like a leaf!

We're Not in the Mood — A Newsweek cover story says sex just isn’t what it used to be for married couples with kids and busy jobs.

Fashion Watch 2003: Prom Style

People are always asking me, "Paul, I need to look fly for my prom. Can you help me out?"

Fo' shizzle, my nizzle.

Let's take a look at some of the hot looks of this past prom season.

Photo No. 1 is the classic 3-on-2 look. Three guys and only two who are confident enough to ask out a girl. The matching outfits make it easy to hide the identity of the one born without cajones. FlyMeter: 6

Photo No. 2 is the always classic NBA look. The timelessness of this fashion means that no one will laugh at your picture in 20 years. Plus, if you're intentionally fouled on the way to the punch bowl, you get two shots and the ball. FlyMeter: 9

Photo No. 3 also shows how sports uniforms and formal wear are pretty much inseparable. Here we see a couple's tribute to Rasheed Wallace, who is the most talented of all the Jail Blazers and the Babe Ruth of technicals fouls. As with the Allen Iverson suit above, always make sure your NBA tux carries with it an acceptable amount of street cred. Can't be strutting through the prom paying homage to NBA champ David Robinson. FlyMeter: 10!

Photo No. 4 reminds us that fashion means freedom. Want a jacket's tail to reach your calves? Go for it. Long sleeves got you down? Ditch 'em. And of course, when it comes to selecting a color, you cannot go wrong with red. It's all good. FlyMeter: 7

(Thanks to Tracy for the pics.)

Other Web Finds:

Pixelated Parodies — Quick and funny Flash movies based on old video game situations. (Beware of pop-up ad shit.)

Wikipedia — My favorite reference link, this quick-loading, comprehensive encyclopedia is written by the users of the site. Even you, if you'd like to edit any of the more than 140,000 searchable articles.

Shutterline — Bills itself as "the Internet's premier digital photography community" with tutorials, contests and forums that can turn any hack into a talented shutterbug.

Caricature Generator — Build a caricature of you or your friends by selecting physical characteristics from a number of menus. Print it out and color it, if you like.

Britney's Back. And Now in Extra Spicy

There are a lot of fallouts of the downturn in bubble gum pop music sales, but none greater than the depth at which Britney Spears is going to have to reach to command the same media attention as when she was the No. 1 catch for such celebrity shows as Extra, Entertainment Tonight and E! News Nightly. (Target audience: moron, female, usually home alone.)

I've been saying this ever since the Backstreet Boys got married, Justin went solo on N'SYNC and O-Town did whatever O-Town did to disappear: I can't wait for Britney's new album to come out! And I'm not even going to listen to the music. Like fellow Louisiana product Emeril, she's gonna have to crank it up a notch. And her photoshoot for W magazine is certainly a great start.

Perhaps it's blasphemous to compare Britney to Madonna (whom I saw live and thought was an extremely talented performer), but even though Spears isn't really a singer (you have to actually sing in front of live audiences to qualify, no?) I see a greater parallel there than, say, the other singer-dancer-whatever-celebrity-hot-ass hybrid of the day, J. Lo. Because Britney, to me, has that good-girl-with-a-bad-streak package played perfectly. She's got us watching for the inevitable release, the equivalent of a bookworm saying "fuck it" and going skinny-dipping.

And I am looking forward to Britney's Playboy layout in five years. It's coming and that's an absolute guarantee. Tastefully done, of course.

Other Web Finds:

The Sun's Top 10 Viral E-mails — The latest ridiculous pictures circulating the Internet, usually forwarded over and over by dolts with AOL accounts.

Watchblog — 2004 election news and opinions in a three-column blog format. Democrats blog on the left. Conservatives blog on the right. All others post down the middle.

Susan Smith's Personal Ad — The Smoking Gun finds an online personal ad created from prison by the woman who drowned her two children by running her car into a lake. She describes herself as "sensitive, caring, and kind-hearted."

Carnie Phillips' Playboy.com Interview — The former 300-pound Wilson Phillips fattie who posed nude for Playboy says one of the great benefits of having lost 150 pounds is that she doesn't get as tired during sex now.

Brooke Burke's Newest Stuff Photoshoot — Same gorgeous bod. Same fake bombs. New pics. A MILF hall of famer.

The Porn Star Who Invented the Curveball

With this being the 100th year of the World Series and the team that's won more than a quarter of them, the New York Yankees, I have decided to make this a baseball summer, not only by making my first trips to Wrigley Field and Camden Yards, but to try to get through all nine DVDs of the epic documentary Baseball: A Film By Ken Burns.

Originally aired on PBS in 1994, the film is segmented into innings, covering decades of baseball history in chronological order. In the first inning, Our Game (1840s-1900), I got to hear Bob Costas and Billy Crystal wax poetic about a sport overrun with steroid use. And, get this, the first curveball was thrown in 1867 by someone named Candy Cummings. There's no mention of who threw the first splitter, but I am imaging it must have been either Dick Hammer or Jack Load.

Some other great facts I learned about 19th century baseball:

• Men who were crazy about baseball were called "bugs" or "cranks." Females who shared their passion were called "crankettes." Or, as I like to call them, ho's.

• The president of Harvard protested the use of the curveball because Harvard did not endorse the use of deception in sport. His letter was read in an ultra-pompous New England accent. I laughed my ass off.

• Hall of Famer King Kelly was a star for the Boston Beaneaters (also known as the Skid Marks) who excelled at the stolen base, sometimes stealing third by skipping across the diamond, and not touching second base, when the umpire was not looking. How fucking blind do you have to be to miss that?

• Cap Anson (.333, 97 HRs, 2076 RBI, 3418 hits) was the greatest player of his century. He was supposedly 6-0, 227 lbs., but in the film he looked like a wuss. I'm guessing his stats today would be something like this (.233, 7 HRs, 76 RBIs, gone after two seasons).

I'll be back with more baseball history lessons (and hopefully more influential players with porn names) as I get through the innings.

Other Sports Links:

CBS Sportsline's Top 10 College Football Stadiums — I wrote on this very same topic years ago for an AOL sports site and came up with the same No. 1: Texas A&M's Kyle Field. I have a love-hate relationship with college sports in rural areas. On one hand, I think it's kinda fun that Aggies fans show up by the tens of thousands for screaming practice and play radio broadcasts for their dead and buried former mascots. On the other hand I think it's an indictment on life in College Station and a bit creepy to boot.

CBS Sportsline's College Football Preseason Top 25 — Three Big East teams (for now) in the top 10? Woah. How about Florida State at 24, just below TCU?

Photos: Dirk Nowitzki and Steve Nash Hammered in Bar — Yeah, they look like drunken boobs, but who hasn't? Give these guys props for making $19 million combined this year and still partying in t-shirts. I enjoy watching the diverse and dynamic Mavs.

FOXSports.com Personals Section — Sports fan seeks online news site to deliver smart and engaging content, not this irrelevant bullshit.

Marine Who Covered Saddam's Statue's With Flag Throws Out First Pitch — Edward Chin, a 23-year-old from Brooklyn, was the faceless marine who covered Saddam's face with an America, then Iraqi, flag while I watched from the safe comfort of my office.

For Sale: Floor Tickets to Springsteen Concert

UPDATE OF UPDATE: COWORKER GAVE ME THE SHAFT. NEED TO SELL THESE AGAIN!

How's this for a Saturday night? August 30, Bruce Springsteen concert at Giants Stadium, seats in Section 7, right in the middle of the floor. (See large view of seating chart.)

I got two tickets that I can't use. Gonna be out of town on a golf vacation.

Cost for the pair is only $200. E-mail me if interested.

Impress a date. Give a great birthday present. A summer Saturday night with the Boss, guaranteed to play for hours on end. Can't beat it.

The Skinny on the Hulk's Big Penis

It seems everyone is excited about the Hulk movie opening in London July 18, and apparently no one more so than the Hulk himself. It was revealed in the Sun this week that 12-inch tall dolls of the green giant have been equipped with a two-inch penis (or roughly the same proportion as a six-foot tall man sporting a 12-inch, one-eyed purple-headed custard chucker).

The six-year-old pictured to the right is Leah Lowland, who discovered the appendage when she noticed a lump in the Hulk's shorts and tore them off. This begs two questions. Who lets their kids pose for pictures with a green schlong in her face? And where can I find an adult, American version of Leah Lowland?

Frankly, I don't why Leah's parents are so shocked. Didn't they get a look at those feet?

In Other News:

Ferris Bueller’s Principal Pleads No Contest to Porn Charge — Actor Jeffrey Jones was and ordered to register as a sex offender and undergo counseling after employing a 14-year-old boy to pose for sexually explicit photos. Sad news for everyone involved. No one comes out ahead here.

Hillary Clinton Delivers Shoe Cake to Tucker Carlson — The bow-tie-wearing dweeb and co-host of CNN's Crossfire vowed multiple times to "eat his shoes" if Clinton's book sold one million copies. After Simon & Schuster announced that sales had reached seven figures, the senator made a surprise appearance on the show.

Researchers: Stonehenge Represents Female Genitalia — The researchers will later deliver their findings on the effect of crack on the human brain.

Horse Called Big Tits Could Run in UK — The race call would be so funny, the OTB guys would piss in their pants. But I guess they already do that.

Cookie Monster Rips Off Bruce Springsteen

When the rock 'n' roll legends at Sesame Street put out their educational album Born to Add, I was understandably excited. Adding is fun, especially when dealing with money, hot dogs or lap dances.

Then I got a look at the cover, and imagine my horror when I saw Bert and Cookie Monster shamelessly ripping off the cover concept of Bruce Springsteen's Born to Run.

This is not a rare miscarriage of justice, I learned at the Knockoff Project a site that catalogs a history of album cover "spoofs, goofs, tributes, send ups, near misses and coincidences."

Some of them are really hilarious, and I'd like to give a shout out to Yahoo!'s Picks for turning me on to this and many great, new sites.

Other Web Finds:

International Federation of Competitive Eating — Want to take your shot at hog dog-eating champ Takeru Kobayashi? Start here. To see what you're up against, check out the records page. One hundred fifty-two jalapenos in 15 minutes? I could kill off humanity with the after-effects of that.

Navel Maniac — Pictures of exposed belly-buttons. Mostly young women. So do you even want to think about the main purpose of this site?

Dog the Bounty Hunter — Some nut goes after rewards and outlaws at the same time. The dog's most wanted list looks like a hall of fame of white trash.

Internet Bumper Stickers — Loud and, at times, mildly amusing banners for you to display on your site. If god is within, I hope he likes enchiladas!

Look Out Hooters, Here Comes Bazooka's

Y'all remember the McDonald's knockoff run by bad-ass Good Times dad John Amos in the movie Coming to America? I loved that place. It was called McDowell's, and it had golden arcs (not arches), sold Big Mics (not Big Macs) and had an owner who lived in fear of litigation by McDonald's.

Recently I found a magazine ad for a real-life McDowell's, a blatant Hooters rip-off in beautiful Secaucus, N.J., called Bazooka's.

The place has everything you'd ever want from a Hooters and more. Waitresses in tanktops, pantyhose and sneakers, a clientele of guys who buy cheesy wall calendars and specials on the filet mignon of foul, chicken wings.

The next time you're in Secaucus (god knows I'll never be), don't just sit around waiting to get carjacked. Get your ass over to Bazooka's and enjoy the greatest of American traditions: taking someone else's ideas and crafting them as your own.

Other Web Finds:

20 Questions With Dee Snider — Metal Sludge catches up with a guy I really respect, the former Twisted Sister frontman. In this interview, he bags on bands that continue on without original members, critiques Vince Neil's voice and says why Warrant should embrace their image of being the Down Boys. Snider is nothing if not honest and thoughtful, hardworking and sober.

Ken Goldstein Interviews Moo from NJguido.com — By now you should have received at least one e-mail from a friend telling you to check out the bare-chested Jerseyites at NJguido.com who wear sunglasses indoors and write such poems as When Will I Relax?. (Includes the Shakespearean lines "I get to the gym and strain my muscles" and "I work at night to enhance my future.")

Quiz: Are You Secret Service Material? — A fun online test of knowledge and hand-eye coordination surveys your candidacy for the English secret service. I scored just below the acceptance score of 70.

Illustrated Acme Catalog — View all the products manufactured by Wile E. Coyote's most distrusted brand.

What in Christ Have They Done With Lou Piniella?

Looking young and trim with Yankee Stadium as a backdrop, the 6-2, 200-pound Lou Piniella defined the classic American ballplayer on his 1977 Topps baseball card. We called him "Sweet Lou," loved him for his passion, guts and grit. The original Paul O'Neill.

Then the Devil Rays got a hold of him and turned him into a circus freak.

Earlier this year, Piniella, Tampa Bay's manager, promised his players that they could color his hair anything but purple if they won three games in a row. And here's the result. These photos make seeing the Red Sox hit seven homers live at the Stadium almost bearable.

I'm not gonna forgive Lou for this until he kicks dirt all over home plate and tosses his hat like a raging fourth-grader. And after the D-Rays got thumped Sunday, it's pretty clear blondes don't always have more fun.

Today's Sports Links:

Sports Illustrated's MLB Player Survey — Hundreds of major leaguers respond to such polls as best and worst fans, stadiums and players. Not surprising, almost all players considered to get the most out of the least talent were white, while the "least from the most talent" players were black or Hispanic.

Missouri Basketball Player Crashes ATV at University President's Residence — The guy was "serving a 60-day sentence imposed June 13 for beating up a woman and holding her against her will at his apartment" and was "at the university president's home for a gathering."

'Refrigerator' Perry Flops in Hot Dog Eating Contest — The 400-pound Fridge barely showed up at the annual Fourth of July contest at Coney Island, downing only four dogs, or half my own personal record. I saw a video replay of 130-pound Takeru Kobayashi scarfing 44 1/2 dogs after dipping them in water. I don't know how he didn't barf, 'cause I wanted to after watching him.

Man Beats Wife After She Defeats Him in Arm Wrestling — I don't understand this. If he's strong enough to beat the shit out of her, why couldn't he defeat her in arm wrestling?

Navratilova Wins 20th Wimbledon Title — Amazing but true, Martina is still beating world-class athletes at the All England Club. This time in mixed doubles competition.

Here's to America and Liquified BJ's!

There are a lot of great FAQs out there, all helping us understand a little more about the world. Like how to download music or get a passport. Or whether masturbation is OK in the eyes of Grand Ayatollah Sistani, a leading Iraqi Shiite religious authority.

The Ayatollah's FAQ page on sex and morality covers a lot of topics, including banking (I'm not kidding), and I would like to share some with you today on this great day of independence.

Dear Ayatollah: Can we have oral sex?
Ayatollah Says: "Oral sex act is permissible with the consent of both husband and wife provided that no liquid gets into the mouth."

Dear Ayatollah: When I am unable to do Muta’h (temporary marriage), am I allowed to masturbate?
Ayatollah Says: "Masturbation is not permissible under any circumstances."

Dear Ayatollah: Is anal intercourse permissible?
Ayatollah Says: "Anal intercourse is permissible if wife is consenting but it is strongly undesirable (makrooh)."

Dear Ayatollah: I want to ask about mortgage for buying a house\ flat in UK, could we take mortgage for buying a house? Please, explain this issue?
Ayatollah Says: "Taking mortgage with interest is not permissible but you can take the money of the unbelievers with the intention of securing the money (from their hands). Then, if you did not spend the money throughout a year, khums (1/5) would become obligatory and it would no longer be dealt with as loan."

Wow, that was something. Who knew interest loans could be so complicated? And I guess Sistani ain't much of an ass man either. Iraq seems like a fun place and all, but I think I'll stay here.

Other July 4 Links:

No-Hitter Never Ends for Righetti — July 4 marks the 20th anniversary of the former Yankee lefty making Wade Boggs look like a fool en route to no-hitting the Red Sox in 1983. Boggs later became a Yankee and a world champion. (Also see: Sports Illustrated Flashback.)

Three Missing After Texas Fireworks Blast — Explosions destroyed half of a fireworks company's warehouse. I swear I saw this in Police Academy.

1942's United We Stand Campaign — In observation of the first Fourth of July after the U.S. entered World War II, over 500 American magazines adorned their cover with the American flag. A great online exhibit from the Smithsonian Institute.

Meet Philadelphia's Modern-Day Ben Franklin — Life as a Franklin re-enactor sometimes means going on a date in buckle shoes. And you thought you had problems.

Will Ferrell's Class Day Speech at Harvard

When you're giving a speech to a graduating class at Harvard, who better to follow in the footsteps of Rodney Dangerfield and Conan O'Brien than Mr. Bare Ass himself, Will Ferrell? (Read Ferrell's hilarious Class Day 2003 address.)

Some of you who have not graduated from Harvard — and thus may not own 15 pairs of loafers — may be confusing Class Day with Commencement and thinking, This school is the Harvard of Harvards and they can't get a graduation speaker more prominent than a guy who played a male cheerleader on SNL?

In reality, Class Day is the more light-hearted ceremonial day before graduation, so quotes like these from Ferrell's address are acceptable. Makes it easier to get through the deathly boring commencement address by some politician the next day.

"I'm not one of you. Okay? I can't relate to who you are and what you've been through. I graduated from the University of Life. All right? I received a degree from the School of Hard Knocks. And our colors were black and blue, baby. I had office hours with the Dean of Bloody Noses. All right? I borrowed my class notes from Professor Knuckle Sandwich and his Teaching Assistant, Ms. Fat Lip Thon Nyun. That's the kind of school I went to for real, okay?"

"The last four or, for some of you, five years you've been living in a fantasyland, running around, talking about Hemingway, or Clancy, or, I don't know, I mean whatever you read here at Harvard. The Novelization of the Matrix, I don't know. I don't know what you do here."

"Some of you will be captains of industry and business. Others of you will go on to great careers in medicine, law and public service. Four of you — and I'm not at liberty to say which four — will go on to magnificent careers in the porno industry. I'm not trying to be funny. That's just a statistical fact."

"You're about to enter into a world filled with hypocrisy and doublespeak, a world in which your limo to the airport is often a half-hour late. In addition to not even being a limo at all; often times it's a Lincoln Towncar."

A 10-Foot Vibrator Women Would Love

Here in New York, there are three things almost no one ever talks about:

• The great job George W. Bush is doing in office
• Souping up cars
• Power tools

So when it comes time to recommending a 10-inch concrete vibrator, I'm a little out of my league. That's why I turn to the unbiased reviews of Amazon.com's legion of buyers. Take, for example, these customer reviews of the Wyco 992A-FI-10 10' Concrete Vibrator with 1-3/8" Head.

A "home improvement enthusiast" writes, "As soon as i shoved this thing in my crotch i was in heaven."

A whopping 10 out of 11 found Jeremy Spokinklass Today's review "helpful." He writes, "This baby can shake the ping pong balls out of a Bangkok dancer from 40 feet away, and believe me, I have. Her name was Ling!"

Finally, Matt Olsen of Plymouth Indiana calls this product simply the best vibrator on the market. "My mom Says this is the best vibrator hands down she has ever used and she has run through alot of them!" he writes.

The people have spoken and the verdict is in. If you're looking for a 10-foot concrete vibrator with a 1-3/8" head, Wyco has the one for you.

Other Web Finds:

10 Most Dangerous Intersections — State Farm reminds us of the most likely places in the U.S. where we'll need car insurance. Pictures of the crossroads of death are included.

Re-Elect Bush: Beta Version — Slate grabs screen shots of Bush's re-election website that includes a "hilariously skimpy" section dedicated to his environmental policy.

Baghdad Bob: Now on DVD! — Iraq's Information Minister is back and now he's goin' hi-tech.

Sandals and Socks Forever — An photographic ode to the fashion faux pas that gives mullets a run for their money.

The Love Boat Episode Guide — Fifty-word reviews and guest-star listings of every episode in the first five seasons. Two of my favorite sitcom stars ever, Sherman Hemsley and John Ritter, make appearances in Episode No. 2, in which "a rejected suitor hot on the trail of the girl he loves is forced to masquerade as a woman." Sure sounds like Ritter to me. Where can I get a copy of this show?