PaulKatcher.com

PK. com Está en la Vacación

Estaré en el Puerto Vallarta hasta asistir la semana próxima la boda de un amigo, para beber como muchas cerveza como posible y para tratar de no agarrar ninguna enfermedad transmisible.

(Next post Tuesday, June 2, unless I feel like writing something from an Internet cafe.)

Fearless Prediction: Avril Regrets That Tie Look

I'm no fashion consultant by any stretch, but I think death and taxes have company: Avril Lavigne's so-uncool-they're-cool (unless, like me, you think they're, um, uncool) ties are destined to go into the graveyard of Bad Music Fashion. The rest of her image I dig: the make-me-older-than-18 heavy mascara, the parted-down-the-middle-tomboy hair and the punk rep (even though every one of her songs is pop).

But in 20 years, when VH1 looks back at music fashion at the turn of the millennium, these ties are going to generate a chuckle or a thousand.

Remember when these fashion statements seemed like a good idea?

Ripped Jeans: Slash is pictured here, but Joe Elliott of Def Leppard did it best, shredding every square inch of his pants. I don't know if this symbolized women's insatiable Hysteria or the result of really bad gas.

Hip White Boys: Nothing cracks me up like an old New Kids on the Block photo. Amazing what 15 years will do. If someone assigned me the task of manufacturing a look to guarantee that five kids would get the shit kicked out of them, it would be NKOTB's. But they're loaded and got to do things many people only dream about. So kudos to them.

Vegas Flair: Could you see Bruce Springsteen wrapping up his career by moving west and performing in sequined, white suits? Can you see anyone not addicted to drugs doing this?

Soul Glo Pirate: Recipe for a sex symbol: Take one 130-pound-soaking-wet, skinny shrimp from Minneapolis. Add greasy 'fro, puffy shirts and lots of purple. Gentlemen, put down the Playstation and pick up the guitar before it is too late.

Bumble Bee Rock: Before I die, I am going to find out who came up with the idea that Christian metal band Stryper should go with the black-and-yellow leather look. And I am going to find out who said, yes, that was a good idea.

Have You Ever Searched eBay for Jockstraps?

It used to be that you could buy a used jockstrap on eBay. Not that I ever bought one but it was great fun to search for them, and I once came across one purportedly owned by Wade Boggs. So every now and then I search eBay for products that you might not find on the shelf at Wal-Mart. Do I hear $5 on the anal lube?

These eBay searches are guaranteed to produce results:

anal sex | 1970 vintage jockstrap | ky jelly
wet shirt | crotchless thong | red sox suck
coyote ugly gift certificates | jizz | foot fetish
oral sex | bong | penis pump
fart bags | ass fun | inflatable sheep

And the Cologne of Choice Is...

Last month, I asked the ladies of PK.com readership, What cologne do you recommend? The post generated 16 comments, and the only conclusion I drew from them are this: women can't make their mind up about anything.

So, knowing my previous preferences — Hanae Mori, Issey Miyake, Versace Blue Jeans — the Sephora salesperson, Josephine, helped me pick out Burberry Touch (for men, duh). So if you want to know what I smell like before spilling beer on myself at Coyote Ugly, go get a whiff of Burberry Touch.

I might also add Dunhill Desire to the mix, as well, another one no one voted for.

Smell ya' later.

(And, yes, I know this is the most uninteresting thing that has ever appeared on this site, but at least you know that all your comments get read. God, it's so much quicker posting this kind of personal, banal bullshit.)

How Many Drinks Did Steve McNair Have Before Driving?

Tennessee Titans QB Steve McNair, the one many gushed over in 2002 for his toughness and leadership, was arrested for DUI (mugshot, right) with a .18 blood-alcohol level. That's pretty high. You don't see many BAC levels higher than that. So we're not talking a few drinks, where one might "feel OK to drive."

There are a number of BAC calculators online, and the variance of them prevents me from nailing the exact amount McNair had to drink, but it seems that a 229-pound man like McNair needs to have at least 10 drinks to reach a BAC level of .18.

Average burnoff of BAC due to metabolism is, on average, roughly .02 per hour. (Don't fool yourself into thinking that six beers in three hours is the same as two beers in one hour. It's not. One will get a 180-pound man arrested, the other won't.)

McNair would have had to sit on a curb for five hours without drinking in order to get down to .08. Or he could have called for a cab in that time.

McNair has since apologized.

Drive safely this holiday weekend. Can't think of anything more disturbing than having a life cut short by a drunk driver. In 1997, it happened every 30 minutes. In 2001, 17,448 people were killed, accounting for 41 percent of all U.S. traffic deaths.

Full Disclosure: Red Rock West Bartender Tracy

Today we interview the gal who presents the greatest threat to NBC's Must-See-TV ratings, Tracy (pictured, far right) from Red Rock West, where she sets up the beers and shots every Tuesday and Thursday night till 4 a.m. Among her skills are beathing fire, dousing herself in picthers of water and keeping crowds partying way past curfew on school nights.

Here Tracy gives us a glimpse of what it's like to work at a place where the bartender is the star of the show. She also shares her thoughts on fake eyes, Ronald McDonald and rolling around in snow drunk...

1. I'm guessing your guidance counselor didn't help you map out a plan for slinging drinks in tight, leather pants. What attracted you to bartending, and how did you end up working at Red Rock?
OK, I'll be serious about this one. I was working at Merrill Lynch and I absolutely hated it; there was no way I could do the strict 9-to-5 for the rest of my life. I started bartending for fun and extra cash. I started making more money bartending two shifts a week, so I decided to flaunt my other (ass)ets for a few years.

Red Rock just happened for me, I was in the right place at the right time. I've been there for years now, and I have to tell you that it's the best job I've ever had. We're all family.

2. What are three Do's and Don'ts for being a cool customer at Red Rock?

Do's:

• Tip excessively and without abandon

• Buy a lady a drink (or two or three).  It does get you laid sometimes

• Tip ... or did I mention that already?

Dont's:

• Sneeze on the money in your hand (or on me, for that matter) as you're paying for a drink. It's disgusting, and it happens more than you think

• Think I can't hear you. I hear every bit of your conversation from "she's got a great ass" to "what a bitch!"

• Barter for drinks. "Will you buy us a round if I have my friend here run outside naked and roll in the snow for two minutes?"  Well, I did buy that group a round. But no! Have your money ready and pay me, goddamn it!

3. What demographic of customers tends to make for the best tippers? Packs of suits? Lonely wolves? Bachelorette parties? Regulars? Bridge & tunnelers? Women? Men? Pan-Asian transvestites?
Packs of suits, loaded with corporate cards, are indeed the best tippers.  I know it's not very p.c. to love the yuppies (especially when you work in a dive bar) but, hey, I'll take the heat. I have a lot of fun with them.  Oh, and my stalker is the best tipper of them all!

How did you know that I have a following of Pan-Asian transvestites?

4. While no two places are exactly the same , a couple of bars (notably Coyote Ugly and Hogs 'n' Heifers) share similar formulas for success: babes behind (and dancing on) the bar, loud country/rock music and beers and shots till you drop. Do y'all co-exist peacefully or is the relationship more like Cheers and Gary's Old Town Tavern, where one loves to stick it to the other?
Honestly, we all live peacefully. We have a similar pattern of traffic, and we're all doing well, so why bother with drama? My two favorite bartenders in NYC are Dr. Jo and Li from Doc Holliday's. We've become friends through the years, and I actually met Jo through NYCBP.com! When customers are looking to bounce around the city, I always send them to the other establishments.

5. Besides me, what famous, good-looking people have you served drinks to? Besides me, did any of them stare at your ass the whole time?
I have served many a drink to Sammy Davis Jr., Barbara Streisand, Peter Falk, Shaquille O'Neal, Bonnie Franklin, just to name a few.  But I couldn't tell you what the f%$! they were looking at.

Seriously, Harrison Ford, Bernadette Peters, Mary Tyler Moore, Sheryl Crow, Danny Bonaduce, Dennis Quaid, Carson Daly, John Corbett, Keith Hernandez, Goldie Hawn and some porn stars, I don't remember their names. They were awesome!

6. There must have been countless times when you thought, "Man, that guy's in rough shape." What are some drunken all-time classic antics you've seen from customers that made you nearly summon zoo officials for a pick-up?
It's a completely different mindset for a Red Rock bartender. When I see a guy in rough shape, I know I've done my job. I only want to summon the zoo officials when everyone around me is sober! Drunk people are so much more fun ... like my old regular who loves nothing more than to pop out his fake eye and stick it in his mouth. Gross, but hilarious. 

7. What are the best parts of your job, aside from the obvious, like getting to listen to the problems of middle-aged drunkards?

• You never have to be politically correct working in a place like Red Rock. I can call someone an asshole, and get away with it!  Do you know how many times I wanted to do that when I was corporate?

• The hours are great! I have more time to live my life and pursue other interests. For instance, I am lucky that I can travel without worrying about how many sick days or vacation days I have left.

• I am lucky enough to work with people that are like family.  I honestly think I couldn't handle all the bullshit if I worked anywhere else.

• I love talking to middle-aged drunkards about their problems, especially when they sit in the corner, play Freebird and cry. It gives my life so much more meaning!

8. What are the toughest parts of your job?

• It's difficult to throw a party when I am sick or in a bad mood.  At Red Rock, the focus is always on the bartenders, so you always have to be on the ball, even when all you need is a good shot of NyQuil or a good shot to someone's head!

  • Ripping off shirts and seeing black, curly, back hair. I have to use all of my energy not to throw up.

  • Listening to the Dixie Chicks night after night.

9. How do you spend your time when you're not bartending?
I come home from my shift, shower, change into my favorite leather pajamas and clog on my coffee table all morning long, downing shots of cranberry juice to save my liver from another long year of destruction! I am going to get all John Cusack (in interviews) on your ass — let's just keep my private life private (in other words, I live a painfully normal life and just don't want to admit it).

10. Does the image of Ronald McDonald scare the shit out of you as much as it does me?
No, I am oddly drawn to clowns.  And the Teletubbies. I'm obsessed. Does that make me evil?

11. What are your thoughts on the recent smoking ban in NYC bars?
I am a smoker, so initially I was irate. I don't think the ban should have been imposed, because the whole beauty of NYC is its crazy nightlife, which includes drinking like a fish and chain-smoking out of the hole in your throat! 

On a personal level, I'm just about to quit, so it's working well for me. Make no mistake, I'd still be the first to reverse the ban. Whether I'm going to end up being a smoker or not, I loved the seedy feel of walking into a dive bar and seeing the huge cloud of smoke hanging over everyone's head. It's like nothing else! 

12. Care to dispel any myths about Red Rock or its bartenders?
Are there any myths out there? Honestly, I think I live in a bubble with this one. But if I find out anyone's talking shit about the bar or staff, I'll kick your sorry ass. No joke.

13. Will you buy a shot for anyone who comes in and mentions this interview?
Of course!  But I am still charging you for everything!

Paul's Recap:

Thanks to Tracy for giving great interview. One of the few people who's given my spell-check some time off. No wonder Merrill Lynch hired her. (By the way, ML used to be my main client when I worked in advertising. Nightmarishly conservative. ZZZzzz.)

I can't believe she served drinks to Bonnie Frankin, the star of that Merrill Lynch-like unfunny women's lib comedy One Day at a Time, No. 1 among my list of worst TV shows ever.

Now you all know your duty. Get your ass to Red Rock (corner of 17th and 10th), tell her you read her interview. Pop your fake eyes into your mouth and tip her well. (Also some advice: be nice, else you might accidently run into the fist of one of 16 bouncers on duty at any given time.)

Want to be interviewed for a future edition of PK.com's Full Disclosure? E-mail Paul.

Most Memorable Movie Scenes Ever

With Memorial Day around the corner and the nation redies to set aside a day to remember the fallen soldiers whose gifts of freedom are too often taken for granted, one topic of conversation has dominated the watercoolers: movies.

Me opining on movies is like Bill Clinton preaching abstinence, but this Matrix thing seems to be a big deal, and FHM in its latest issue counted down the top 25 scenes in movie history, and I thought it would be a good topic of conversation here.

(Ed's note: As I type this post, Monica Lewinsky just got a rousing ovation during her introduction as guest host on Jimmy Kimmel Live. Amazing. You would think that taking a married President's balls on your chin and being a key component to one of the most embarrassing political scandals in U.S. history would somehow make you not so popular.)

Back to the movies. Everyone loves lists. I love lists. You love lists. Here are my thoughts on FHM's list.

FHM's Top Movie Scenes:

25. Bob Barker KOs Adam Sandler in Happy Gilmore — Never saw it. Laughed like crazy when someone told me about it. Bob Barker, who used to, and maybe still does, screw his hostesses, has always been a hero.

24. A Laser Inches Toward Sean Connery's Junk in Goldfinger — Never saw it. How could any threat to the title character in a series be taken as legitimate?

23. The Pythons get Crucified in Life of Brian — Never saw it. Monty Python's The Meaning of Life was the first R movie my dad took me to and it was then, in 1983 when I was 10, that I saw my first set of tits on the big screen. The experience changed my life.

22. Clint Eastwood Calmly Starts the Killing in A Fistful of Dollars — Never saw it. Never saw a Clint Eastwood movie. Ever.

21. Al Pacino Introduces His Little Friend in Scarface — Never saw it. I did see the chainsaw scene once. I have flashbacks whenever Randy Johnson pitches against the Yankees.

20. An Unseen Shark Gets Its First Bite in Jaws — I've probably seen all of Jaws in bits and pieces. Just like the swimmers!

19. Anne Bancroft Tries to Seduce Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate — Never saw it. Dustin Hoffman used to live four blocks from me. Maybe he still does. He put his San Remo triplex apartment up for sale for $25 million last October. I'll try to ask him about it someday.

18. Slim Picking Rides an H-Bomb in Dr. Strangeglove — Never saw it. I've never even heard of this scene, starring Peter Sellers.

17. Shannon Elizabeth Elicits a Premature Reaction in American Pie — I saw this movie once, as a rental. I remember Shannon Elizabeth getting naked but nothing else except the band camp line. Oh, and Stiffler's mom.

16. The Hanson Brothers First Take the Ice in Slap Shot — Never saw it. I hate hockey.

15. Neve Campbell and Denise Richards Menage in Wild Things — This I saw, again as a rental. Always thought Neve Campbell was hot. Didn't care for Denise Richards any more than any other stereotypical, plastic-looking L.A. model/actress.

14. Sylvester Stallone Sprints Up the Stairs in Rocky — In 1992, while watching Syracuse storm back against Princeton in the NCAA Lacrosse final at UPenn's Franklin Field, I promised my friends I would run up those stairs naked if the Orangemen came back to win. (It may have been noon, but I was nowhere near sober.) SU lost in overtime and the city of Brotherly Love is a better place because, while I did sprint up the stairs Balboa style, my pants remained on.

13. Bruce Lee Whups Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in Game of Death — Never saw it. Let's see Bruce Lee drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes.

12. Charlton Heston Realizes He's on Earth in The Planet of the Apes — Never saw it. A girlfriend did drag me to the 2001 version. One of the biggest piles of crap to ever hit theaters.

11. Larry B. Scott Raps in Revenge of the Nerds — Pure classic. As any given time, I could be spouting off a lick from this tune. "We got Poindexter on the violin, and Louis and Gilbert will be joining in." I once asked a friend at AOL Entertainment if he remembered the scene and he rapped the whole damn thing.

10. Mark Hamill Learns Darth Vader Is His Pappy in The Empire Strikes Back — This was a cool scene, though I still think Luke was adopted.

9. Harrison Ford Ends a Sword Fight in Raiders of the Lost Ark — Never saw it. Never saw any of the Raiders trilogy. None of the Die Hards Not Pulp Fiction, not Braveheart, not Spider-Man, not the last two Star Wars, neither Lord of the Rings, not Goodfellas, not The Matrix, none of the Jurrasic Parks.

8. Ving Rhames Meets the Gimp in Pulp Fiction — Never saw it. This is next on the movies I plan to see at some point when I feel like chilling for a couple of hours.

7. Tom Hanks Storms Omaha Beach in Saving Private Ryan — Saw this in the theaters. Thought the opening half-hour may been a little over the top, since it wasn't a movie about D-Day, per se. So, in essence, it was kinda superfluous. But well done, of course.

6. Kevin Spacey Gets Away in The Usual Suspects — Never saw it. I don't even think I saw more than 10 minutes of American Beauty

5. Janet Leigh Takes a Nice, Refreshing Shower in Psycho — Never saw it. Did see the National Lampoon's Vacation shower scene where Clark offers to wash Ellen's back ... and front.

4. The Printer Gets a Beatdown in Office Space — Never saw it. It's been recommended to me a thousand times.

3. Christopher Guest Turns it up to 11 in This Is Spinal Tap — Saw this scene but never the whole movie. Hilarious.

2. Carrie-Anne Moss and Keanu Reeves decimate a Lobby in The Matrix — Never saw it. Combines two things I like least: science fiction and Keanu Reeves' acting.

1. Al Pacino Looks After His Family in The Godfather — A work of art. Is there anyone who thinks any part of the first two Godfathers is less than perfect?

Notable Omissions:
• For my money, the most gripping movie scene ever is the first time the POWs are forced to play Russian Roulette in The Deer Hunter
• Sharon Stone rides like a champ Basic Instinct.
• Daniel wins the tournament in Karate Kid.
• The sight of Alex's eyes being held open and hydrated in A Clockwork Orange will return in a nightmare someday.
• The final fight scene in Bad Boys, starring Sean Penn and Esai Morales.
• Jeff Daniels taking a massive, laxative-induced crap in Dumb & Dumber.
• Hour-long demise of the Titanic in James Cameron's huge production.
• Thornton Melon's Triple Lindy in Back to School.
• Car chase in The French Connection.

Links:
Most Tense Movie Scenes Ever
Top 10 Car Chases
25 Sexiest Movie Moments

Review: Pardon the Interruption

Since moving into an office with a couch and cable television, the last half-hour of my workday has been more enjoyable than ever. Because as soon as ESPN's sports debate show Pardon the Interruption begins airing at 5:30 p.m., the rest of the day is like the Red Sox in September, a slow but sure downhill cruise to the finish line.

The Kentucky Derby may claim to be the most exciting two minutes in sports, but the most interesting 30 minutes is the segemented banter between aimable and intelligent PTI co-hosts Tony Kornheiser and Mike Wilbon.

While the show is generally appreciated, there are still many who are quick to lump PTI in with the cancer of sports media: loud-mouth talk show hosts who play down the lowest form of sports fan — the ones whose pie-charts of life are decorated with the colors of their favorite teams and little else.

Kornheiser and Wilbon, it's clear to me, are sports fans with brains, who easily distinguish tongue-in-cheek ribbings from ignorant pot-shots. They've perfected the art of criticism while not looking to trash someone every time a topic comes up, and PTI's interviews are direct and engaging, often humorous, and never pandering.

Fans could do worse than to take a cue from these guys. Order up a sports subject, yell your brains out, resort to goofy name-calling if necessary, then drop it, move on and laugh about it later. 'Cause ya know, there's a whole other world out there where no one gives a shit who the Alabama football coach is.

In Five Words or Less: Face-painters need not apply

Links:

• Jump the Shark: Pardon the Interruption — Not everyone loves the show.

• Jim Rome: ESPN's Trash-Talker — Slate on new ESPN personality Jim Rome, whose opinions I mostly agree with, but whose delivery and pandering to out-of-touch minions is beneath his intelligence, in my opinion.

• Senseless Sports Talk Is Too Loud — Sports opinion is coming under fire in the wake of Bob Ryan's controversial comments about Jason Kidd's wife. I saw the video tape and really have no problem with it. The guy was shooting from the lip, not advocating domestic violence. Any idiot could figure out it was in jest. Score another lynching for the moral hypocrites out there — furious over the actions of someone famous when they would never, ever call for the head of a friend in the same position.

Beat This Caption: Hong Kong Commuter

"A man in Hong Kong guards himself against the threat of SARS, apparently unaware that he is about to be eaten by the rare vertical Asian vagina."

(To beat this caption, click "Post a Comment" below.)

Real caption.

Clinton to Syracuse Graduates: Watch Your Dipsticks!

I thought I was pretty lucky to have Kurt Vonnegut deliver the commencement address at my graduation from Syracuse University in 1994. Not as lucky, mind you, as the students who heard Kermit the Frog's commencement address at Southampton College in 1996, nor the Grand Lakes University grads who were advised by Thornton Melon in Back to School to "look out for No. 1. Just don't step in No. 2." Luckiest of all, however, might be the newly minted grads who saw Bill Clinton deliver Syracuse University's 149th commencement address Sunday.

In his speech (see transcript), the second-most important person to arrive on campus this academic year — Carmelo Anthony being the first — encouraged the students to join together to make the world a better place. A noble gesture from a man who made his own wife's life a living hell by discharging a load of jizz on an intern's dress. But this was the John Gotti of statesmen, the Teflon President, the Chief Executive to which nothing stuck. His reputation gets better by the day and I think even those who tried to push him out of office would chip in to hire a dozen hookers for Dubya if it meant reclamation of the job and stock markets.

Other News Links:

For Lad Mags, the Jig Is Up — TIME humor columnist Joel Stein on Wal-Mart's decision to pull such men's magazines as Maxim, Stuff and FHM off its shelves. He writes, "If you're going to look at naked women, you should have to deal with all the shame and secrecy and power dynamics that make it so wonderful."

The NYT's Blairwash — Slate blogger Mickey Kaus collects opinions and delivers his own on the mess at The New York Times regarding the Jayson Blair, the 27-year-old writer/reporter with the ethics of Joe Isuzu. I can't help but think suicide has entered his brain many times after being skewered mercilessly this past week. Salon reviews a book that argues that suicide can be a rational response to an intolerable world.

Keynote Like a Pro — A Business 2.0 article on the do's and don'ts of public speaking.

The 1945 Liberation of Paris — The old phrase, "if it weren't for us, they be speaking German," isn't just a punchline. This history page begins, "On June 14th, 1940, the German troops, in deathly silence, march down the Avenue of the Champs-Élysées claiming victory."

And the NYCBP.com Booze Cruise Tickets Go To...

The deadline has passed for the PK.com trivia contest to win two free tickets to the May 21 NYCBP.com booze cruise, and I want to thank everyone who participated in the name of New York sightseeing and ruining one's liver, two of my favorite activities.

While no one received extra-credit points for sending me a picture of them whizzing on Shea Stadium (which would have cemented victory), the top-place finishers not only proved knowledgeable on such familiar PK.com topics as hot dogs, hand jobs and Laverne & Shirley sidekicks, but slid to the front of the line simply by making cases, in varying degrees, that the boat would be more fun with them on it than with them off it.

I think some people got scared off thinking that the only way to win was by sending in evidence of involvement in a Japanese gang bang. That was not necessary ... at least for this contest.

As for the identity of the winner, I don't even know it yet. A couple of out-of-towners finished 1-2 and am confirming that the winner can actually use them. Otherwise, they go to a local third-place finisher.

To recap, the correct answers are in bold below, along with links to where the answers could have been found by performing a simple Google search.

And for those who did not win, I encourage you to buy your tickets at NYCBP.com soon before they sell out. If you need any motivation, one of the six great bartenders lined up is Tracy from Red Rock West (at your service Tuesdays and Thursdays). She's the one in the picture with the tight bod, shown whipping a guy in a fur coat.

ANSWERS TO THE PK.COM QUIZ

1. Which of these men was not on my list of greatest men of all time?
a. Wilt Chamberlain
b. Hugh Hefner
c. Gordon Jump
d. Rudy Giuliani
* Gordon Jump, while a great man indeed for his portrayals of WKRP's Arthur Carlson and the sleaze bag who photographed Arnold and Dudley shirtless in a tub on Diff'rent Strokes, was not among my list of greatest men of all time.

2. How many hot dogs did I eat after at least 12 beers and 12 shots on my 30th birthday? (Remember, I did not puke.)
a. 4
b. 6
c. 8
d. 10
* In my 30th birthday recap, I recount a night of Coyote Ugly, Yogi's and Gray Papaya, where I downed eight hot dogs after going back in line not once but twice.

3. I once posted an audio clip of a former Cubs manager who said this about his team's daytime fans: "Eighty-five percent of the fuckin' world is working. The other fifteen percent come out here." Who was he?
a. Lee Elia
b. Don Baylor
c. Jim Riggleman
d. Jim Frey
* In my June 2002 post on funny audio post, I link to not only the audio clip but the transcript as well. The page got viewed thousands of times on the 20th anniversary of the tirade on April 30.

4. Who do I credit as being the greatest TV neighbor of all time?
a. Cosmo Kramer
b. Dwayne Schneider
c. Larry Dallas
d. Andrew 'Squiggy' Squiggman
* All of those characters were all-timers, but when I listed my favorite TV neighbors after Sanford & Son's Grady had died, Squiggy came out No. 1. (You may also remember that Whitman Mayo, who played Grady, also played an unsavory character on Diff'rent Strokes. I think he tried to steal the kids back from the Drummonds for money.)

5. Which of these sporting events have I seen in person?
a. Bill Buckner's error in Game 6 of the 1986 World Series
b. Michael Jordan's 55-point return to Madison Square Garden
c. Jim Leyritz's 15th-inning HR in the 1995 MLB playoffs
d. All of them
* Mentions of Buckner's Game 6 error and Jordan's double-nickel have been made throughout PK.com's three years, so the answer is obviously all of them.

6. When I did a review of chick mags, which one suggested that women "declare a series of hand-job-only nights so that all the amorous attention is on him?"
a. Redbook
b. Cosmopolitan
c. Marie Claire
d. O
* Long-live Cosmo's Sex University, whose course in Hot Handiwork got a mention when I reviewed chick mags.

7. Which Upper East Side watering hole do I call "The Dugout," because it's where everyone goes after they strike out?
a. Dorrian's
b. Martell's
c. Trinity Pub
d. Mustang Grill
* I reviewed Trinity Pub in February 2003 and slapped that nickname on the joint. No one has challenged it yet.

8. The discovery of which magazine in a bathroom stall at work revolted me like nothing else?
a. Herpes Weekly
b. Red Sox Magazine
c. Playgirl
d. Martha Stewart Living
* In my list of things I never want to see again, I recount a horrifying day at the office when the queen of interior design and insider stock trading was staring at me in the john.

9. I was accepted in the following four universities. Which one did I graduate from in 1994?
a. University of Florida
b. Syracuse University
c. University of Southern California
d. University of Connecticut
* How would my life be different if I headed south or west for college? We'll never know. All but USC have won a football or basketball national title since I was accepted.

10. Which of the following terrible TV shows do I consider the worst of all time?
a. One Day at a Time
b. Mets baseball telecasts
c. Cop Rock
d. Revealed With Jules Asner
* The all made my list of the worst TV shows ever, but nothing says dead silence like a comedy about women's lib.

Review: World Series Baseball 2K3 for Playstation 2

There are two things I looked for when purchasing a baseball game for my PS2. One is realism (i.e. Yankees kick the shit out of everyone) and two is the ability to bean Mike Piazza in repeated at-bats. I am pleased to report that World Series Baseball 2K3 delivers on both accounts, and then some.

The advances in sports video games over the years are countless, but one of the most important is the ability to vary the computer's skill level in one-player games (this one has four modes: rookie, pro, all-star or legend). That way, the game remains competitive whether you're an 11-year-old novice or, worse, a Red Sox fan.

This 30-year-old is satisfied hovering between pro and all-star and not even contemplating such advanced features as create-a-player and franchise mode, which includes a loyalty rating for each player that will determine how long he stays with one team as users go through several seasons. And the day I play enough to find out how many seasons it takes Jason Giambi to leave the Yanks is the day I call god and see if he's got room on the couch.

Among the cool features that even casual players can enjoy are throwback uniforms for each team, five historic ballparks, a team made up of Hall of Famers, and the ubiquitous home run derby. You can even play an All-Star Game that doesn't end in a tie.

The game is not without its flaws. The hot zones in retired outfielder Dave Justice's strike zone outnumber those in Alfonso Soriano's and Derek Jeter's combined, but it's a small price to pay for a pretty cool baseball game that doesn't end beer sales after the sixth inning.

In Five Words or Less: Like Yanks, a Winner

Links:
• MetaCritic's Composite of Reviews
• World Series 2K3 Message Board

You Wanted the Best! You (Almost) Got the Best!

For my money, there's no better midget tribute band than Mini-KISS, a New York-based Lilliputian quartet that, as you may have guessed by the somewhat frightening picture to your right, specializes in rocking out to KISS anthems.

Now, I haven't actually seen these guys ... yet. A buddy and I were all set to travel downtown to catch a set, but when looking up directions to the joint, we discovered the show was at a gay bar. I don't mind watching midgets in clown paint and spandex performing what amounts to glorified karaoke, but I ain't having a shirtless male bartender wink at me and call me sweetheart like the first (and only) time a couple of broads tricked me into meeting them at a sausage carnival.

Other Web Finds:

Tribute City — A database of tribute bands arranged by band tributed. Most have websites that are quite hilarious, if unintentionally so.

When I Was Little — Users post pictures of themselves as a young child as a grown-up. I'll try to scan in a baby pic when I visit the folks for Mother's Day, and then I'll post it when I grow up.

Apollo Image Gallery — Incredibly compelling hi-res images of NASA most ambitious missions from the 1960s. Samples: Apollo 11 launch | Earth rises over lunar surface | Aldrin poses for Armstrong on moon

Ryan Leaf Items on eBay — I'm guessing if you want any of this stuff, you're not going to be outbid.

Buy the Kennedy Assassination Issue of the Chicago Tribune — I collect old pubs, so I find this link interesting. Especially interesting is holding onto this stuff for 40 years in order to make $10.

Head 2 Head: Zuko vs. Fonzie

Here's how Head 2 Head works: I throw out a debate between two people, places or things, and you settle it by posting a comment.

Today's question: In honor of Grease 3 getting greenlighted, I ask: Who was cooler, Danny Zuko or Fonzie?

Danny Zuko: John Travolta goes down under on Australian Sandy Olsson
Pros: His defensive skills in basketball (punching out an evasive ball-handler) made me long for the no-layups days of the mid-'90s Knicks... In the end, got Sandy to change to be like him, which is the way it should be with women... Reminded Rizzo that sloppy seconds wasn't his style.
Cons: Shook his hips a little too much for my tastes... Thought he was too cool for Sandy, like hanging out with fellow T-Birds Doody, Sonny and Putzie rivaled the life of Sinatra.
Quote: "Oh, bite the weenie, Riz."

Arthur Fonzarelli: Henry Winkler becomes coolest 5-6 ½-inch tall Jew ever
Pros: Reached the pinnacle of TV-sitcom stardom: applause upon first entrance... The real Milwaukee's Best, Fonzie got every broad in town. Blondes, brunettes, firecrotches, the Fonz got 'em up into that apartment over the Cunningham's garage... Got anything with a snap: a new song, peace and quiet or a slice of Mrs. C's cherry apple pie... Referred to himself as "The Fonz," and we should all be so cool as to trade in "I" for "The (Something)."
Cons: Winkler was much more convincing in his role as Chuck Lumley, the ultra-puss who turned a morgue into a brothel in Night Shift... Seemed to crash his bike every time he tried some cool stunt... Hung out with Potsie, for fuck's sake... His office with a men's room in a diner.
Quote: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaay!"

Links:
• Reprinted 1976 TV Guide article on Henry Winkler
• Grease trivia
• Arthur Fonzarelli, I Hardly Knew Ye

Full Disclosure: The Reverse Cowgirl

Today I interview the woman with perhaps the most provocative blog title in the world — fuck, make it the whole galaxy or whatever is biggest: Susannah Breslin's The Reverse Cowgirl. The reverse cowgirl, as many of you sluts and manwhores know, is a position of intercourse where the woman on top faces away from the man. It's also a place online to read up on porn, which happens to be one of my favorite topics, outside of cupcake baking. But that's not important right now. What is important is that Susannah, the sole writer of such provocative blog, took the time to answer 12 questions from me ...

Site: The Reverse Cowgirl's Blog
Description: Wherein a writer attempts to justify the enormity of her porn collection
Webmaster Name: Susannah Breslin
Webmaster E-mail: Amazon62@earthlink.net
Birth Date of Site: August 2002
Traffic Data: 5K+/day, 800K+ since 8/02

1. What were your goals for The Reverse Cowgirl's Blog, and how's it going so far?
My initial goal was to become a prostitute. I needed some extra cash, and I figured the internet could be, like, my pimp. Unfortunately, I only got one offer for a $10 blowjob. So, after that, I decided to create a blog that tracked the life of a sex reporter and all her perverted interests.

2. The tagline for your site is "wherein a writer attempts to justify the enormity of her porn collection." How enormous is your porn collection?
It's so big that when Ron Jeremy holds his penis up next to it, his penis looks small in comparison. I think I have over 100 pornos now. They just keep coming in the mail. Sometimes, I give boxes of them away. I gave some to the guys who installed my DSL. They were appreciative.

3. Describe a typical post for your site? What do you try to accomplish with each update?
I try to accomplish the opposite of whatever I think people want from my blog. I change the format of the posts routinely. Sometimes, it's personal crap. Sometimes, it's links to coprophagy dolls and The Brazilian Cock Freak. I aim to provide links that are hard to find. I also like to provide content that is lurid, but that is smart and funny at the same time.

4. Your "about page" runs down an extensive list of sex-related content you've written and photographed. Care to plug some here?
I wrote a long investigative journalism piece on the LAPD crackdown in Porn Valley awhile back that one can read here. My photos can be seen here.

5. Is the reverse cowgirl your favorite position?
No. Is it yours?

6. Do you have a sense of what your site's demographics are like?
I imagine my readers are mostly white boys between the ages of 18 and 50 who like web sex content coupled with some polysyllabic talk and some funny jokes. I gather that women read the site, too. My guess is that they are postfeminist types.

7. In your photo gallery, there is a picture titled "Bukkake Girl's Bib," where a woman's nude chest is covered with a transparent sheet and a healthy dose of semen. I have a three part question: a) how was it arranged that you would photograph the event? b) how many men participated? c) where are the rest of the photos?
Having written about the adult industry for mainstream magazines, I've met various porn directors along the way. Jim Powers is one of the most notorious and personally entertaining. He's also the director of the American Bukkake video series, which is filmed in North Hollywood. For the first bukkake shoot I attended, I was writing a piece about bukkake for Nerve. That was also the first time I tried to take "real" photos. The next two I went to, I asked Jim if I could take pictures during the filming for "artistic" purposes. There are usually about 80 to 100 men at the bukkakes. The rest of the photos have been taken in Porn Valley, Hollywood, Greater LA, Amsterdam, New York, etc.

8. You're really fucking hot. How many men proposition you online? I imagine you get a lot of e-mails like, "I'm into photography, too. You should come over to my studio..."
I don't get e-propositioned very much. I like to think I stick pretty close to my guns of not making myself the sexual subject, and I think that isn't very encouraging to men who might write emails to women requesting anal sex or spanking session. For this, I apologize.

9. You're really fucking hot. Do strangers recognize you on the street from your blogging?
No. At least, I don't think so.

10. What percentage of people do you think look at porn online?
98%.

11. Have you considered any e-commerce opportunities for your blog?
Yes. I meditate upon them daily in yoga.

12. What were you wearing when you answered these questions? (Make this good.)
A diaper. That's it. It's what you wanted.

Paul's Comments:
Thanks to Susannah for being honest about her desire to have sex with me. (She did say that, didn't she?) And if she thinks 100 pornos is a lot, she ought to meet my friend Santos. Nonetheless, Susannah did a great job and I want everyone to head on over to The Reverse Cowgirl's Blog with Kleenex in tow and tell her I sent you.

In Dallas, Bikini Waterslides With Your Beer

Monday happy hours typically are as exciting as a podiatry convention. Not so at Coyote Ugly, where from 5-7 p.m. Mondays, the staff whips out the Slip n' Slide and bikini-clad bartenders go for a ride down the bar.

Imagine my excitement when my buddy Kevin forwarded me an e-mail with a subject line that read "Things are getting WET at Coyote Ugly." Imagine my disappointment when I found out it was originally sent only to members of the Coyote Ugly Dallas e-mail list. Imagine my puzzlement that my friend subscribes to mailing lists of bars 1,555 miles away.

You might be saying to yourself, "I don't even live in Dallas. Why should I care?" Because my friends, I come bearing gifts.

Presenting a streaming Windows Media movie of Slip n' Slide Happy Hour at Coyote Ugly Dallas. You may send gifts of thanks to Paul Katcher, Upper West Side, New York, NY. (Please do not send your used jizz rags.)

Other T&A Links, 'Cause I Don't Hear Anyone Complaining:

Michelle's Wonderland C.U. Dallas Photos — Our interview subject from January attended the Grand Opening and came back with photos, including a couple with our favorite NYC alum and Coyote-franchise-opening ace, Sara (second from left in this photo; the one with the real breasts).

BrowardHotSpots.com's Bahamas Trip Photos — Last winter, I entertained the idea of meeting Alex (see picture) in the islands for this trip. I didn't follow up, and I am not done kicking myself yet.

Gleny's Bar A Galleries — A Jersey fella's photo diary of his trips to Bar Anticipation, which looks a lot better in the offseason than it does in the guido-infested summer nights.

Tall Ladies in Porn — An entire website dedicated to the tallest of women who get paid to screw on film. Scary, yes, but it beats the hell out of a site dedicated to midget porn.

ALSO A FRIENDLY REMINDER: This is your last week to take the PK.com quiz for a chance to win two free NYCBP.com booze cruise tickets.

Remembering Carl Lewis' Star-Spangled Banner

Just over 10 years ago — and I can't believe I missed the anniversary of this disaster — the most memorable moment in New Jersey Nets history occurred. And no one even remembers the game.

January 21, 1993 was the day Carl Lewis, perhaps the 20th century's most underrated athlete, treated a packed house in East Rutherford, N.J., to his rendition of the national anthem. It sounded like a cross between a woman giving birth and a mass slaughter of chickens.

I have posted an audio clip of Carl Lewis' Star-Spangled Banner, at a manageable 310KB. If Lewis' mid-song interjections of "Uh-oh!" and "I'll make up for it now" don't cheer up your Monday, start loading the gun.

You may remember Derrick Coleman, a man once accused of pissing in the middle of a restaurant, hiding under his warmup jacket in embarrassment. You may remember it being hard to hear Lewis over the thousands of people laughing at him. You may remember ESPN's Charlie Steiner concluding the clip by reminding the audience that the song was written by Francis Scott Off-Key.

This "song," my friends, is the finest butcher job since Sam schtupped Alice in The Brady Bunch.

Other Sports Links:

ESPN SportsCentury: Carl Lewis No. 12 — The sports empire has Lewis pretty high up on its bogus list of the century's best. Michael Jordan over Babe Ruth? C'mon. I'm telling you, there is no way Jordan's legacy lasts as long as Ruth's, whose numbers are still mind-boggling, when compared to his era, this era, any era.

SI.com's Preseason NCAA Football Top 25 — N.C. State and Pittsburgh ahead of Florida State? No Florida or Nebraska anywhere? Wow.

Schmidt Tosses 3-Hit Shutout After Mother's Death — Giants starter Jason Schmidt throws the best game of his nine-year career in a return to the mound after his mother dies of brain cancer. Reminds me of when Paul O'Neill won a World Series the night his father died.

CBS Sportsline's Swimsuit Models — Sports and bikinis, they go together like ... not at all. But CBS Sportsline can't beat ESPN.com at, say, interesting content. So it resorts to this.

Remembering "Miss Elizabeth" (1960-2003)

The First Lady of Wrestling is no longer with us.

It used to be that only former pro wrestlers died at middle age. Now it's the wrestling managers. Elizabeth "Miss Elizabeth" Hulette, former wife and valet of Randy "Macho Man" Savage, died Thursday at age 42 in the home she shared with Lawrence Pfohl (aka Lex Luger), who was arrested on unrelated drug charges.

Miss Elizabeth worked inside and outside the ropes for the WWF (I absolutely will not recognize Jimmy Snuka's former playground as WWE) from 1985-1992, when I was 10-19 years old. Even though she got out-slutted over the years by the likes of Sable and Terri Runnels, Miss Elizabeth holds a special place in the heart — and the pants — of any male who was a teenager in the late '80s. (This was before the days of Internet porn, of course. I can't even imagine kids today getting excited over anything short of a gang bang.)

Here are my top wrestling chicks of all time:

Stacy Keibler: A former Baltimore Ravens cheerleader who was the buttoned-up Miss Hancock (say it slowly) in the WCW before taking up her skirts even higher for the WWF. If I could choose how I die, it would be suffocation by her legs. (Pictures)

Debra: There was something about her I always liked. Oh yeah, it was her tits. That and her mischievous Southern charm. Bad girl! Bad! (Pictures)

Sable: The painted hands on her breasts to win a "bikini" contest was one of the finest moments in wrestling history, trumped only by Roddy Piper cracking Snuka in the head with a coconut. (Pictures)

Terri Runnels: I'm still shaking my head at how Dusty Rhodes' son — who portrayed a character, Golddust, that made Liberace look like DeNiro in Cape Fear — married this piece of ass. (Pictures)

Miss Elizabeth: Sentimental favorite. Can't believe she went before Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young. (Pictures)

And, of course, I loved all of their personalities.

No Second Chances for Strangers

If your best friend admitted he was an alcoholic, would you hope his company fired him before he got a chance to get well in a treatment program?

A lot of people are calling for Iowa State to fire men's basketball coach Larry Eustachy — and it appears the school will — because of the pictures that surfaced in the Des Moines Register Monday of Eustachy partying on the campus of a school the Cyclones had just lost to, Missouri, in late January, and I wonder if they'd feel the same if someone they knew was in the same position.

Ya know, that's the kinda thing that separates hypocrites and public relations-savvy weasels from the rest of us.

Certainly, Sean Devereaux, the Missouri student who sent the pictures to the Register for the purpose of embarrassing Eustachy, would not have done that if the coach was his friend. I wonder if the fame-seeker has any friends. I wonder if his friends would let him take their picture again. I mean, what if they become famous?

Devereaux was the one who chose mid-March, the start of the NCAA Tournament, as the time to deliver the photos. The paper held them till war's end, when such front-page news would seem more "newsworthy." That's some serious news judgment. Fox News, look out!

Eustachy, who is not a friend of mine, admitted to being an alcoholic this week. Just like a friend I used to work with. Like Eustachy, he had a wife and two young children. He was one of the best sportswriters I knew, and I'm happy to say he still is. I came into work one day to find out he was taking some time off to address some personal issues. I did not know that booze was a vice of his till he left for treatment, and I was glad to shake his hand when he came back. His first day back, he addressed everyone in our morning edit meeting to explain his absence. This was a late '90s dot-com, and so most of the staff was quite young. I'm not sure if we clapped. Given a second chance, I would.

Iowa State can cite a breach of its represent-the-university-well clause all it wants. I would rather the school tell the truth. That Eustachy will lose his post not because he is an alcoholic (something he admitted this week), but that his transgression was made public. Otherwise you can forget about any Iowa State faculty member or administrator coming forward to ask for time off to treat the disease of alcoholism. Like my friend.

(I should also say here that Eustachy did not cite alcoholism till the pictures were published, months after the smooching party. Gotta question the sincerity of that at least a little.)

More Larry Eustcahy Links:

Would You Want Your Son to Play for Eustachy? — I'd let him play for recovering alcoholic Rudy Tomjanovich, who coached major head case Vernon Maxwell for the Houston Rockets. Maxwell was suspended 10 games in 1995 after attacking a heckling fan in Portland. A sign of Rudy T.'s lack of character? Um, no.

Iowa State's Best Move Is to Keep Eustachy — Hoops guru Dan Wetzel makes a great point about Eustachy supposedly having no credibility while recruiting. You think these coaches have never visited a home ravaged by substance abuse?

Eustachy's Alcoholism Claim Seems Fishy Amid Chaos — Wichita Eagle sports columnist Bob Lutz writes that "alcoholism is a serious disease. Eustachy has chosen to exploit it and hide behind it as an explanation for his bizarre behavior." A legitimate concern, though positive negatives aren't easy to back up. How do you prove Eustachy is a non-alcoholic liar? Were there issues before? Why didn't Iowa State act on them before pictures taken in January were published in April?

Eustachy Shouldn't Be Fired for Minor Indiscretions — Wonder why not many moral policemen are emerging from the ranks of college sports administrators? Oh, if their walls could talk.

School Officials Most Interested in Damage Control — Mark Kreidler says the issue is all about business. I may have mentioned this aspect of college sports once or a thousand times.

Vitale: Eustachy Deserves Second Chance — Along with ABC's John Madden, Vitale "writes" the most uninteresting and least insightful "column" in sports media, so feel free to read the headline and nothing else.