How's that for frightening?

All three of my summer softball teams kick off their postseasons this week. One fall league is underway and another around the corner. I've also subbed for four other teams this summer, as I've whored out my skills to anyone offering a post-game drink-up. It's getting ridiculous.

Over the last 13 years, I've played for every type of team imaginable — men-only, co-ed, competitive, not-so-much, etc. — with/against players of every skill level.

So now's a perfect time to run down the characters you run into during softball games. This may seem like a rip-off of the The Phat Phree's Usual Suspects of the Men's Locker Room, but I've been hanging onto this idea for a long time.

• The manager who thinks he's running the Yankees. My first manager used to call me at work on game day to see how I was feeling, and thus gauge where to place me in the lineup — a lineup that changed significantly whether a guy went 1-for-3 or 2-for 3. A guy I currently play against wears a C on his jersey, which is utterly embarrassing. Another one sent out a playoff-game scouting report that had to have bettered 1,000 words — complete with hitting and fielding tendencies up and down the opponent's lineup. But the one that takes the cake: When my friend — who is awesome — subbed for a team, and the manager didn't play him at his usual shortstop because that's a "leadership" position, and he didn't want a newcomer there. You have to love guys who invoke chemistry issues into softball.

• The guy with two batting gloves. Any time a guy steps to the plate like this, I warn my fellow outfielders, "Look out, it's Willie Mays Hayes!" which usually means, "Take a couple of steps in because he's got a baseball stance, gonna take a huge swing, cut under the ball and hit a lazy fly." I can't think of a single excellent player I've seen wear two batting gloves.

• The hot chick who can't play. "Nice cut!" on a lazy looper to short. "Awesome play!" after a routine toss from second. "You almost beat it out!" when they're out by 15 feet. The whole time you're thinking, "She'd better come out and get wasted after the game, or else this is gonna be a waste of time."

• The hot chick who can play. The rarest breed. You see one maybe every couple of years. Occasional proofs that god exists.

• The guy who has to get dirty. I love the Rambo guys. They slide into first. They slide into home when the entire bench is yelling, "Stand up!" Hell, they slide back to the dugout area. Better them than me, because if there's there's gonna be bleeding on my bed sheets, it had better be from a virgin and not because my knee is scabbed from sliding into home during a meaningless softball game.

• The lefty who hits .900. In any league, the four best defenders are all on the left side of the field — SS, 3B, LF, LC. In a co-ed league, the discrepancy is even more pronounced, as there's usually a chick at second and in right. No offense, ladies, but there's a reason one of you is always catching, and it's because 95% of you are not as good as the average guy. Cheers to the 5% who are. Anyway, lefties have all the advantages, including short fences at some fields, and I don't even want to hear about the throw from second being short. You should be blistering it by lead-footed fielders anyway.

• The old guy who draws three-ball counts, then slaps singles everywhere. After the maddening frustration, the saving grace is that it's gonna take two doubles to score him from first.

• The catcher who is a walking health hazard. I'm only gonna say this once. To field a throw to home, stand in front of the plate, catch the ball first, then swipe. Those who stand behind the plate, then lunge onto it and into the runner are a boon to doctors' bills everywhere. (The ones who don't understand this are usually the ones two-hopping the ball back to the pitcher, as well.)

• The guy with college/minor-league experience. I used to play with/against some of the best players in Westchester County (pop. 1 million), and a few of these guys would absolutely destroy the ball, even pitches falling from a 12-foot arc. One of 'em helped us win 46-7 (for real) in a game in which we got up only four times. In another game, our opponents launched four home runs into a creek before we even batted in the bottom of the first inning. There's just no defending them. Like Dave Winfield hitting off Jimmy Kimmel in a celebrity game.

• The foreigner who overruns second base. You've seen these scocer lovers. They're in OK shape, look like they can play. The defense plays way too far back, and we get our hopes up when they beat out a 12-hopper to deep short. Then they fuck up the inning by thinking they can run past second, too, on the ensuing dunk hit by the following batter. Makes me want to pull my hair out even more than those who don't think they have to tag the runner in non-force situations, allowing a runner who should've been out by three steps to sneak a foot in.

• The bottle-necking slow chick. Much success in poorer softball games (i.e. company leagues) is attributed to errors generated by aggressive base-running. Make these fuckers throw you out — 90% of the time they won't, and 25% of the time the ball sails into the next town. Move one station at a time and you have little shot.

• The guy who takes forever during batting practice. All right, Wade Boggs, take your five cuts and grab a glove. If you fuck up the fifth miserably, feel free to take a courtesy sixth. But there are 20 people in line and no one cares if you suck and need 20 practice pitches to work on your swing. That's why you're hitting eighth.