(By the way, the purpose of this story is to have an excuse to share with you iFilm's video of Conan O'Brien's greatest highlights. It made me laugh out loud several times.)

Now onto the ugly details. And I mean ugly.

I ended up at Billy's because I was depressed that the Yankees had lost Game 1 of the 1996 AL Divisional Series to the Rangers — and because Billy's charged no cover and had $4 beers and skanky women, whereas most places at that time on a Tuesday had $4 beers and no women.

Billy's was never known for having the best talent. I was fortunate that night, because none of the stage girls appeared to be pregnant. In between thoughts of "can I get a disease from drinking bottled beer?" and "why doesn't that crack whore get her teeth fixed?" I wondered, "What kind of loser, besides me, ends up in a joint like this on a Tuesday night?"

The answer, unbelievably, was the up-and-coming NBC late-night genius and his trusty Tonto. They were just enjoying the view, seated five feet behind me at the bar. And I'm sure they woke up the next morning, like me, and promised to never, ever do something like that again.

Other Web Finds

My Session With Dr. Phil — TIME's Joel Stein gets a lesson from Oprah's guru: to watch more porn.

Vin Diesel Breakdances — A video of the baddest white guy (I think) on the planet b-b-b-reakin'!

ALF and Rhonda's Spaceship — Part of the world famous and truly scary ALF webring, this site dedicated to the collect call pitchman makes me pray to get nuked by North Korea. (Thanks, David)

Man Uses Coupons to Try to Buy Car — A New Hampshire man took 200 $200-off coupons to Toyota. He was told to leave and get lawyer ... and a life.