There's some pretty big wigs in my office building. Among the thousands of people who work there every day are some of the most influential people in print media. People who smoke cigars in their offices, defying no-smoking laws apparently binding only to mortals and stenching up the halls. People with private bathrooms. And I wondered, do they use this low-quality toilet paper, too? They gotta use something better, no?

But how good can toilet paper get? Clearly the stuff at work is low-grade. And I use the single-roll red Charmin at home. But is there a super-quality toilet paper that only the DiCaprios, only the Speilbergs, only the Haims can afford?

I met Jeff Bezos once. He's worth a couple billion. I should've asked him what toilet paper he uses.

Other Stupid Things on My Mind:

Bon Jovi Is My Pimp: Need a date ... or three? Get Bon Jovi tickets. I ordered four for the Mon., Feb. 10, show at Continental Airlines Arena and promised a girl at work she could have one if she found two hot friends to buy the other two. Done deal. Instant four-way. Screw Match.com; Ticketmaster.com is the way to go.

The Man Was Reading '171 Amazing Cat Facts' for God's Sake: I was in the grocery store for the first time in months this week and the cashier was a man. I didn't know men took jobs as cashiers. Even in Shawshank Redemption, Red's job on the outside was to sack the stuff, not ring it up. Anyway, there wasn't a line, so when I strolled up, I had interrupted his reading of a pocket book. He placed it on the counter and I saw that the cover read, "171 Amazing Cat Facts." I would like to add this to "Amazing Man Facts": If you're reading "171 Amazing Cat Facts" in between ringing up people's purchases of frozen tater tots, bran flakes and ground chuck, you can't be a man.

'She Made Out With My Dog' How a girl described to me her meeting with a woman who runs a bachelor party/escort service in my neighborhood.

Am I Among NYC's 10 Best in Anything? Just this week, I was hanging with one of the top 10-15 pool players in the city. I also learned that my boss is the best biathlete in the city — and the best at his age in the country. Do you know how hard it is to be among the 10 best in anything in a city of eight million? You think your apartment is dirty? Imagine what the 10 dirtiest look like. You think you have a crazy sex story? Imagine what the 10 craziest sex stories in New York are like. And so, of course, I got to thinking, are there 10 men in NYC who masturbate more than I do? If so, god help them.