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Happy birthday and many more... nerd
Hey, Kool Aid! Who's gonna fix the wall you just busted through?
Another shot of beauty and grace from the romantic sport of bullfighting
Coyote Ugly manager Sara livens up Wednesday nights (Fridays and Saturdays, too)
Christy Lake
Tiffany Lang
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NYC LINKS
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MurphGuide.com Scavenger Hunt
Sat., Oct. 12
Teams of 4 to 6 people compete to answer a list of assigned questions. The teams have 90 minutes to find the answers, all of which can be found in Greenwich Village, New York City. Two-hour open bar at post-hunt party.
Register at MurphGuide@yahoo.com or (212) 288-0893
Who's on First — Upper East Side bar with superstars Chaundra and Amy on Thursday nights
Mr. Hipster — Hands-down the wittiest bar and restaurant reviews in the city. If the Mr. Hipster hasn't reviewed it, it's not worth going to.
NYCBP.com — If you pick your bar depending on what hot bartenders are working, this is your resource.
NetworkingGirl — Christan's always organizing events for NYC singles to get in bed with each other. Go see what she's got going on this week. Also see her Singles of the Week.
NYsolo.com — Coordinates activities for busy New Yorkers. Use "Molly McMillan" as reference.
Dodgeball — NYCers rate bars and post reviews — and without the bridge-and-tunnel reviews that infect CitySearch.
* Got an NYC-centric site to plug? Let me know.
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I thought I was fresh out of ideas for a top 10 this week. And after reading this update you might think I still am. But then I saw on my television, in 36-inch living color, infomercial legend and blode ponytailed god, Mr. Tony Little. I immediately started searching for some of the worst ways to spend hard-earned money...
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TONY LITTLE'S GAZELLE FREESTYLE
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About the Product: Don't sit there watching Jenny Jones with a bag of Doritos in your lap. Satisfy your need to watch the tribulations of people whose lives are more pathetic than yours — actually, they ARE on TV — and burn calories at the same time. Then go out and celebrate life's new lessons with a Big Mac.
Link: Product Page
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GINSU KNIVES
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About the Product: Was there anything in the '80s scarier than a crazed Japanese dude cutting through bicyclyes, lead pipes, necks, two-by-fours, skulls, rusted cans and his cameraman? That was just too much for me. If I need to slice an orange in half, I'm sure I have something around here to do the job.
Link: Product Page
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ROTATO
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About the Product: It's a little-known fact that peeling potatoes kills as many as 1,000 Americans a year. Of course, that's not as many as men suffocating themselves by beating off with a belt around their necks, but it's still dangerous. Get a Rotato — and a hooker — and you'll live forever.
Link: Product Page
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THE CLAPPER
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About the Product: Sounds like the nickname of a promiscuous college freshman, but it's a sound sensory power supply that allows people to turn on and off TVs with the clap of the hands. Which would have been a good idea 25 years ago, before every TV came with a remote control.
Link: Ode to the Clapper
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PERFECT PANCAKE
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About the Product: If I had a nickel for every time I longed to make a perfectly round pancacke, I'd be very poor. But those with serious cases of OCD or less ambition than a hamster with cancer will get countless hours of pleasure from this cooking aid. Perfect pancakes: dare to dream!
Link: Product Page
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RICHARD SIMMONS' DANCE YOUR PANTS OFF
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About the Product: Guys may like ladies with back, but not if your ass belongs in a zoo's safari section. So pop in this tape and get back into the beer-googling category. And if you can stand hearing "Flashdance," "She Works Hard for the Money," and "Conga" as many times as it's gonna take to drop 50 pounds, you have a helluva lot more willpower than me.
Link: Richard Simmons Ate My Balls
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HAIR IN A CAN
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About the Product: Many women prefer their men bald, but no chick can resist a dude with graffiti on his head. Sex appeal in a can costs only $69.95 and comes in many colors, including Dark Brown, Blonde and I Spent Money to Look Like a Fool.
Link: Product Page
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FOOD DEHYDRATOR
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About the Product: A road trip just isn't one until someone cracks open the beef jerky. Now, you can waste junior's college fund on those exorbitant Slim Jim fees of 25 cents a stick, or you spend $40 for a machine that you know you'll use once and never take out of the cabinet again.
Link: Product Page
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PERMANENT KISS
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About the Product: Lipstick stains can be so embarrassing ... on glasses, napkins, the bartender's johnson. With Permanent Kiss — known in hardware stores as "paint" — you can feel safe that you won't leave any evidence, no matter how much you had to drink.
Link: Product Page
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TOTAL GYM
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About the Product: Many people watched this infomercial just to see Christie Brinkley's ass for 30 minutes, but the Total Gym works. How do you think Chuck Norris got a rock-hard body? Oh yeah, martial arts. So what does the Total Gym have to do with anything? Absolutley nothing.
Link: Product Page
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RANDOM WEIRDNESS
* Way Too Much Information On: The Kool-Aid Man! — A tribute to the TV commercial icon who used to crash parties — literally — by busting through walls and scaring the hell out of 8-year-old kids. Yum, pass some of that blood-red juice this way, maniac!
* Embarrass, Minnesota — The home page of a real town in Jesse Ventura's state. Its claim to fame is a record minus-57-degree temperature in 1996. That and the dumb name.
* eBay: Sports Experiences — Bid against other wealthy sports fanatics to play golf with Jack Nicklaus or hoops with Magic Johnson. Later they might add a chance to get racked for 12 runs against the Angels, get your leg broken by Jeff Gilooly or have Patrick Ewing miss a game-winning jumper for your favorite team.
* Viking Kittens — A Flash movie to tune of Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song." (Thanks, Joe)
* Innovators Hall of Fame — Fortune Small Business quickly profiles a dozen American entrepreneurs — including one token woman, Barbie creator Ruth Handler — who changed how the country works. It's similar — though not nearly as comprehensive — as the Builders and Titans chapter of the TIME 100 series. Only one man, Sam Walton, made both lists, as even the token female (Estée Lauder, in TIME's case) is different.
* Gallery of Unfortunate Cards — Birthday cards from Superman, Elvis and Captain Kirk. Plus, cockfighting on Easter and an angry, skinnier Santa. Just some of the horrible ideas that somehow made it to the shelves.
* Why Am I Here on Earth? — The Church of Latter-Day Saints has all the answers, telling me that I am here to committ myself to god through such ordinances as baptism. Why, of course! And here I thought it was to get drunk in dive bars and show up late to work. (I found this while searching for the book, "Where Did I Come From," which my mom used to teach me and my brother about sex. My dad must've been satisfied with what we learned from watching HBO after 10 p.m.)
* Celebrity Soundboards — I've linked to a few of these individually, but now you have a whole collection of sound files by the likes of The Sopranos, Adam Sandler and Stifler.
FULL DISCLOSURE
Interviews with fellow webmasters. Want to be interviewed? E-mail Paul.
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TracyLines.com
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Doing charity work can be very fulfilling. And by that I mean you can meet a lot of women doing it. Those of you in Florida might even run into model/actress and socially conscious babe Tracy Lines, a former Miss Minnesota who once played a party-goer on Dawson's Creek and lists "driving stick-shift" as one of her skills. (Some of you midwestern yahoos might be into that.) Anyway, I asked her a bunch of questions about her site...
PK.com: Your online store really caters to your fans. Is it true they can send personal items to be autographed (like my bed's headboard), and that they can order custom videos of up to an hour long?
TRACYLINES.com: Yes it is true. If you see something that is NOT at my store, e-mail me and tell me what you want. I like to make my customers/friends very, very happy.
READ ENTIRE INTERVIEW >>>
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THE SPORTSDESK
* How Latrell Sprewell broke his hand — Sometimes this site writes itself: "Latrell Sprewell might have broken his hand by throwing an errant punch at the boyfriend of a woman who vomited on his new yacht, the New York Post reported Friday."
LAND OF THE FREE, HOME OF THE BRAVE
* Jim MacMillan's 9/11 Portfolio — The Philadelphia Daily News photographer's online portfolio includes First Light, a captivating shot of the sun rising over ground zero on 9/12/01. See how miniscule the lone fireman looks among the rubble. (The rest of Jim's work is no less stunning.)
THE NEWSDESK
* Jury awards former smoker $28 billion — I would like 10 cartons of cigarettes for Christmas, please.
* Myth dispelled: shoe size, penis size not linked — Time to put away the clown shoes.
* New York: the de facto capital — A piece in this week's New York Times Magazine argues that NYC is the centerpiece of the U.S., claiming, "Americans now define themselves far more by their cultural choices, most of which are tweaked and marketed by the information factories of Manhattan, than by their choice (if any) of political party." I've been to Washington, D.C. a few times. If I lived in a place that boring, I would lobby for more leniant gun laws, so I could buy one and shoot myself.
* Gifford Miller: NYC's second-most powerful politician — Another NYT Magazine piece profiles the 32-year-old speaker of the New York City Council who was omnipresent in my old Upper East Side neighborhood in the mid- to late '90s. I knew he was going places, and apparently he's a future mayoral favorite.
* New Orleans could be underwater within 100 years — They're calling it the modern day Atlantis. I call it a place where puking on the street is socially acceptable.
THE WEEKLY LADIES
* Don Ray's Hooters Gals — A Kentucky-based photographer gets hired by Hooters to photograph their calendar girl tryouts and derby bikini contest. Good work if you can get it. (Thanks, Kevin)
* Coyote Ugly Saloon — Looks like the official site to one of New York's best dive bars has undergone a redesign. I went to the one in New Orleans a couple of months ago. The bartenders were hot and fun, but the crowd played too way too much chick music (Blondie, Go-Gos, Madonna). Does this look like a place to play the Madonna? Missed my chance in Atlanta this summer, 'cause my boss had us fly into town too late. And look for another Coyote to open in Ft. Lauderdale on New Year's.
* Christy Lake — If everything in Kentucky were this hot, I wouldn't make fun of it so much.
* Tiffany Lang — A San Diego-based model with a 4.0 GPA in pre-med studies. I'm going out to buy a ring right now.
KID ROCK LYRICS OF THE WEEK
This from the timeless classic "Cocky"...
Mackin' me
Cause you know I'm paid
That's why I'm slappin' my gardeners
And fuckin' my maids
Never mind my age
But if we're taking numbers
15 million sold motherfucker
Let that be a lesson to you all. If you're heading backstage to meet the Early Morning Stoned Pimp, leave the gardener at home.
PARTING SHOT
Carlos Castillo makes me want to cry by spilling a tray of beer while running in the National Waiters Race in Barcelona, Spain.
NEXT WEEK
Not sure what next week's topic will be, but I can always use some help.
Send your link suggestions now.
THE ARCHIVE
Missed a week of PaulKatcher.com? Shame on you.
Hit the archive and see what you missed.
Recent issues include Spring Break, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Before that we (un)covered Mardi Gras 2002.
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