|
In about a month, I'll be dusting off the lime-green pimp suit and kids will be knocking on my door. I'm not talking about a kiddie porn ring. But it's the next-best thing: Halloween!
It's never too early to start preparing your costume, and here are some suggestions...
|
BUBBLE-WRAP MAN
|
|
Details: Order a whole lot of midget porn from your favorite discreet brown-box video distributor. Ask for it to be securely packaged, then wrap yourself in the bubble padding. (DO NOT POP BUBBLES.) After chicks laugh at your costume all night, come home and enjoy the vertically challenged performances.
|
|
NOSE-AND-GLASSES MAN
|
|
Details: Got an extra $1.99 sitting around the house? Head on over to the nearest five-and-dime for the classic costume that keeps the crowd laughing all night long. This look is also known as "The Cheap Bastard."
|
|
GOLDEN FREAK COUPLE
|
|
Details: What better way is there to show the world that you and your spouse are absolute weirdos than by arriving at a party painted entirely in gold? None, until you whip out photos of the last "poker night" at the neighbors' house.
|
|
HOMOEROTIC HITLER/GALLAGHER
|
|
Details: No two things have ever induced vomit as much as Adolf Hitler's genocide agenda and Gallagher's comedy act. Make sure no one leaves the party with their lunch by combining these two characters into one truly scary look.
|
|
CAPTAIN KIRK
|
|
Details: No nerd's life is complete without paying homage to science fiction's most recognizable icon, Captain Kirk. Dress up as the Starship Enterprise head honcho and tell the world that there's nothing shameful about virginity.
|
|
LESBIAN WARRIOR
|
|
Details: Tired of drunk men hitting on you at the annual Halloween party? Put the fear of Jesus into them pronto with a look that's part Mr. T and part Sandra Bernhard.
|
|
PUMPKINHEAD
|
|
Details: Nothing covers up a bad case of B.O. like this costume, which is as easy to assemble as gutting out a rotting, stinking pumpkin and sticking it over your head. After only three months, the resonating stench will be gone.
|
|
SOCIAL LEPPARS
|
|
Details: Hating life this Halloween? Dress up in all black and express your disdain for silly customs with a look that says, "Fuck this, I'm here for the beer." Countless people will ask if you're related to either Dylan Klebold or Eric Harris.
|
|
KANE
|
|
Details: Worship WWF wrestlers for the gods that they are by dressing up as The Undertaker's brother. Girls will not be able to resist your bulging muscles and knowledge of Intercontinental title holders' birthplaces.
|
|
EXHIBITIONIST
|
|
Details: Draw some lines and just add paint. Save this look for Key West's Fantasy Fest and not a place filled with drunken truckers. (And if you're into this sort of thing, please e-mail me for specific costume suggestions.)
|
* Tom's Worst 20 Halloween Costumes
* Halloween Costumes From the '80s
* Charles' Bad Halloween Costumes
RANDOM WEIRDNESS
* Golden Shower: The Game — When you gotta go, you gotta go ... on people, animals and cars. I scored 14,305 on this hilarious game. (Found on Fark.com)
* SportsBabe TV — A mixture of sports, broads and bikinis, if you're interested in that sort of thing. Personally, I find it disgusting ... that they're not naked.
* VH1: 100 Sexiest Artists — I've never been on the J-Ho bandwagon, so I don't know how she gets No. 3 here. No doubt about No. 1, Madonna. She might be the coolest person to walk the planet, even more than Carrot Top.
* Enron Auctions — A host of company furniture and other assets are up for grabs. Hey, it's not like they need this crap for employees.
* The Wrestling Album — Download audio from the hysterical music album the WWF released in the '80s. Includes such classics as "Grab Them Cakes" by the Junk Yard Dog, "Tutti Frutti" by Mean Gene Okerlund and the second-greatest entrance music ever, "Don't Go Messin With a Country Boy" by Hillbilly Jim. Of course, the greatest entrance music ever is Slick's "Jive Soul Bro". Also check out the Hulk Hogan version of "Jive Soul Bro".
* C.C. DeVille: The Brooklyn Axe Master — I had no idea that the Poison guitarist was a native New Yorker, but I did see him walk into Preppie Murder Robert Chambers' favorite haunt, Dorrian's, with two babes a few years back.
* Facts on Farts — Everything you wanted to know about gas but were too busy holding your nose to ask. Includes such insight as "The sounds are produced by vibrations of the anal opening. Sounds depend on the velocity of expulsion of the gas and the tightness of the sphincter muscles of the anus."
* Create Your Own Bush Speech — Anyone can do it, which is pretty obvious if you've heard stuff like this: "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says fool me once (pause), shame on ... (long, long pause) shame on you. (pause, then rapidly) ... and fool me we can't get fooled again."
* Nixon's "In Event of Moon Disaster" Speech — Our President in 1969 had this speech written for him in case Neil Armstrong had taken one giant leap to heaven. It begins, "Fate has ordained that the men who went to the moon in peace will stay on the moon to rest in peace."
THE SPORTSDESK
* Shockey on radio: I wouldn't stand for gay teammates — I watch sports for the unscripted drama, but couldn't care less what most of them think. This is a perfect example.
* Column: Hub too good for Nomar — Boston Herald columnist Steve Buckley bashes the hell out of Nomar Garciaparra for calling the press box about changing the official scoring of an error. In reality, writing such a cheap shot piece far is a lot more crass than lobbying for a scoring change. Irony, anyone?
LAND OF THE FREE, HOME OF THE BRAVE
* TheStreet.com's Kevin Burke reflects on brother lost on 9/11 — I had forgotten to include this link a couple of weeks ago. It's an emotional and well-written piece.
* The Onion: September 11 Anniversary — Two Weeks Later — The satirical news site has some fun at many people's awareness of where they are on the calendar in relation to Sept. 11.
* America's Mad As Hell Humor Page — A collection of 9/11-related pictures, sounds and games that are supposed to make you laugh. Chuckle away.
THE NEWSDESK
* U.N. upholds ban on dwarf throwing — I guess it's time to move to non-U.N. country Taiwan to give little people a big-ass heave-ho.
* Justin Timberlake: I 'did it' with Britney — Dude, who hasn't?
* 'Bumfight' producers arrested — Apparently paying homeless people to fight violates more than just bad taste, though paying Mike Tyson to fight doesn't make any more sense to me.
* Seven dead in attack on Pakistan Christian charity — This is why when people urge me to find god, I ask what the hell for.
* KFC customer gets pot with chicken — Add one more herb to the secret recipe.
THE WEEKLY LADIES
* Pick Your Favorite Cincinnati Bengals Cheerleader — See 32 reasons why the Giants need to get some ladies on the sidelines. I can't decide between Jessica and Brooke here, but really, aren't they all winners?
* Wild West Wet T-Shirt Contest — And none of the girls regret participating at all.
* Timea Majorova — Fitness model with an amazing body. Like mine.
* Tawnya Gentleman — Enjoy Gentleman, gentlemen.
STUPIDEST THING I READ IN A BLOG THIS WEEK
"they were filming a chris rock movie, and we saw his chair! it was so cool."
***
(Quick Chris Rock story: Last fall, I was walking home with my then-girlfriend after dinner and a guy popped out of Stand-Up NY comedy club and said, "Hey, do you wanna see Chris Rock? He's going on soon and we need a full house. He's prepping for Seinfeld's 9/11 benefit at Carnegie Hall, and no one knows he's here. And I'll waive the cover." He might as well have asked if I could take $100 off his hands and spend it on booze. When he ran on stage after being introduced as "a guy who plays clubs all over the city" the rather intimate crowd went nuts, with everyone doing triple-takes between the stage and their friends with looks on their faces that read, "Can you fucking believe this?" I just sipped my rum & coke and thanked the lord for living in NYC.)
KID ROCK LYRICS OF THE WEEK
Another example of musical poetry from the white trash warrior...
Yo here's a story
(Check it out)
I remember when I spent the night at Sally's house
Woke up with Cotton Mouth
Couldn't speak
My tongue was weak
From Yo-Da-Lin In The Valley
Now what could this nice boy possibly be rapping about?
PARTING SHOT
I can't tell whether this is the "before" or "after" shot.
NEXT WEEK
Not sure what next week's topic will be, but I can always use some help.
Send your link suggestions now.
THE ARCHIVE
Missed a week of PaulKatcher.com? Shame on you.
Hit the archive and see what you missed.
Recent issues include Spring Break, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Before that we (un)covered Mardi Gras 2002.
|
It is with the utmost sincerity that I congratulate the New York Mets and Boston Red Sox on their just-completed 2002 regular seasons of Major League Baseball. Both accomplished what they do best:
