I know there's a lot of supposedly funny audio out there, at least 2,893 billed as "THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD." Half of 'em are as funny as working at an Israeli newsdesk.
But this week I have some winners ... guaranteed.
I believe I linked to these clips in my first-ever update over two years ago, but all those links are dead, since 5o percent of the sites I link to close up shop within a month.
Play these at work and crank up the speakers...
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LEE ELIA GOES OFF ON CUBS FANS
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Summary: After fearlessly managing the Chicago Cubs to a 4-15 start in 1983, Elia has 456 words for the Wrigley Field fans — and 43 of 'em are curses.
Highlights: "They oughta go out and get a fuckin' job and find out what it's like to go out and earn a fuckin' living. Eighty-five percent of the fuckin' world is working. The other 15 percent come out here."
DOWNLOAD LEE ELIA'S TIRADE (1.5 MB) | Transcript
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BOBBY KNIGHT'S HALFTIME SPEECH
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Summary: Loving father and husband Bobby Knight has some words of inspiration for the 18-year-olds who came to Indiana to earn a college degree
Highlights: "Now I am gonna fucking guarantee you, that if we don't play up there Monday night, you aren't gonna believe the next four fucking days."
DOWNLOAD BOBBY KNIGHT'S TIRADE (1.2 MB) | Transcript
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EARL WEAVER'S RADIO SHOW
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Summary: The diminutive Baltimore Orioles manager spices up "Manager's Corner," where he answers fans' most pressing questions
Highlights: "Terry Crowley's lucky's he's in fucking baseball, for Christ's sake. He was released by the Cincinnati Reds, he was released by the fuckin' goddamn Atlanta Braves."
DOWNLOAD EARL WEAVER'S TIRADE (1.7 MB)
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* Fade to Black: Uncensored Celebrity Outtakes
* Camp Chaos Funny Audio
* Comedy Central's Crank Yankers
* Villain Supply — Your best online source for everything evil, including mad scientists, dictators and football coaches at Notre Dame.
* Parks Sabers — From a galaxy not so far away, you can order your own illuminated nerd certificate, also known as a Star Wars light saber. (Thanks, David
* Contest: Meet Tommy Lee in NYC — If you lose, you could just open a porn shop on Eighth Ave. and maybe he'll stop by.
* Racial Slurs Database — I really have to catch up on my hate, because I never heard of 90 percent of these terms. Anyway, if you want to get on my bad side, call me a Muppetfucker, Cocksauce, Mayonnaise or Cabbage. At least now I'll know what you're talking about.
* Gleny's Blog — Daily musings from a guy who spends his summer at the Jersey Shore, complete with pictures of cheesy broads at the bars. So it's almost exactly like PK.com. Don't miss the Gleny.com Girls and party pics.
* Drunk Hall Of Fame The official list from the some PK.com supporters. Hey, where's John Daly?
* The Search for the Worst Toupee — A comparison of the hair accompaniments of the likes of Marv Albert, Sam Donaldson and Burt Reynolds. (Thanks, Danise.)
* Antique Condom Tins — Your rubbers have been laying around for decades. You might as well store them in a box as old.
* Online Fortune Teller — Answer a few simple questions and see if it's worth getting out of bed tomorrow.
* Unknown Movies: Crack House — Yeah, unknown if you don't appreciate the acting talents of one Jim Brown.
* The Gospel According to John Gotti — The Village Voice analyzes how New York newspapers covered the death of an idolized thug.
* Hitlers in America — I just felt like doing Switchboard.com search to see if anyone has been dumb enough to carry that surname almost 60 years after WWII. I found 13. (There are no bin Ladens.)
* Moby Coins the 'Pearl Jam Effect' — Moby says that record sales numbers are skewed because fans of bands like Pearl Jam are technically astute and are more apt to download music than fans of, say, Bow Wow. Makes sense to me.
* MeetUp — A free service that organizes outings of people with like interests. It's a great idea, but it might be tough reaching a level of critical mass. Anyway, I signed up for a few Upper West Side meetups, but we'll see if it comes to fruition.
* MLB Fan Strike: July 11, 2002 — I've been saying for years that a one-day boycott of MLB games would be a smart move, but it'll never happen. Too many people purchase tickets in advance, and they'll never eat the money. If fans want to show that they're not pawns, they should stop acting like them. Only a stooge would plunk down $50 to get another human being's autograph, brag about sitting at the same table where Paul O'Neill once had a sandwich and lunge for foul balls like they're winning lottery tickets. Fucking sheep.
* All-Time NBA Lottery Picks — Relive such draft day nightmares as Joe Kleine over Chris Mullin (Sacramento, 1985), Dennis Hopson over Scottie Pippen (New Jersey, 1987), Bobby Hurley over Allan Houston (Sacramento, 1993), Todd Fuller over Kobe Bryant (Golden State, 1996) and Ron Mercer over Tracy McGrady (Boston, 1997).
* 50 Ways to Love the NBA Draft — Bill Simmons recounts the most offbeat moments in draft history, recounting the "full-body, waist-to-waist, genitals-on-genitals hug" that Darius Miles put on commissioner David Stern after he was selected No. 3 by the Clippers in 2000.
* Jacksonville Jaguars' Holmes, Hanson Burned by Spilled Fondue — One's a kicker; one's a punter. As if I even had to tell you.
* I Wanna Rock — Another tribute site to all-time dipshit John Rocker, from an equally blind athletic supporter who admires his "sweetest southern accent" that, um, spews venom toward foreigners and gays. I'll never forget the standing ovation Braves fans gave him when he returned from suspension. Southern hospitality is a lot more hospitable when you're white.
* Teen exodus body-slams wrestling ratings — From the article: "Another problem for the WWE is that the attention span of teenage boys keeps getting shorter and shorter." OK, I'm only going to say this once: If our country's youth cannot concentrate long enough to get through pro wrestling, we're in deep shit.
* Shea Bat Victim Is on the Mend — A tale so sad I can't even make a joke about the Mets: Jeromy Burnitz lost his grip on his bat for the fourth time this season and hit a girl who required 80 stitches and reconstructive surgery.
* Ingrid Devatova — British babe.
* World of Britney Pictures — A collection of 3,670 pictures (as of June 30) of the pop princess.
* Kari Wuhrer Online — Pics of the former "Remote Control" babe. I haven't seen her on TV in a while, 'cause I don't get Skinemax.
I'm not sure yet what I'll do next week.
Send your link suggestions now.
and see what you missed.
Recent issues include Spring Break, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Before that we (un)covered Mardi Gras 2002.
