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World Cup fever, catch it. Then see a doctor and get rid of it
C'mon, this is a Spice Girl wannabe, not an American
The newest member of the WWF stable, the Farmertanner
What a bonehead
Vince Neil preps for his Rockline interview
Order your own Ballsy Bear today
The Pakistani leader. Good? Evil? Who can keep track?
I would pay for Melissa Ann to work out with me at Equinox
Club Rubber's Summer of Love
Izabella Scorupco — Tough to spell, easy on the eyes
I'm already there, Vanessa Kay. I'm already there
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NYC LINKS
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MurphGuide.com — A daily guide to bar specials and events
Who's on First — Upper East Side bar with superstars Chaundra and Liani on Thursday nights
Mr. Hipster — Hands-down the wittiest bar and restaurant reviews in the city. If the Mr. Hipster hasn't reviewed it, it's not worth going to.
NYCBP.com — If you pick your bar depending on what hot bartenders are working, this is your resource.
NetworkingGirl — Christan's always organizing events for NYC singles to get in bed with each other. Go see what she's got going on this week. Also see her Singles of the Week.
NYsolo.com — Coordinates activities for busy New Yorkers. Use "Molly McMillan" as reference.
Dodgeball — NYCers rate bars and post reviews — and without the bridge-and-tunnel reviews that infect CitySearch.
* Got an NYC-centric site to plug? Let me know.
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Last week, we took a look at some things I find to be overrated. This week, a companion piece of underrated subjects...
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CLANCY BROWN
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Fantasy: Bit player in 1983 classic non-lesbian prison flick "Bad Boys"
Reality: Stole the show as Viking Lofgren by stealing Horowitz' radio with a sneer and drawling, "It's mine now." Everyone remembers when the radio blew up in his face, but he never got the credit he deserved for the little dance he did in between.
Link: The Official Clancy Brown Website
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CONAN O'BRIEN
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Fantasy: Late-night also-ran
Reality: Armed with the quickest wit on television, Conan puts the other late-nighters to shame. And he knows a good deal when he sees one, as evidenced by when I ran into him and Andy Richter in no-cover Billy's Topless in October 1996.
Link: Conan's first address after 9/11
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BARRY SANDERS
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Fantasy: An NFL running back not as valuable to his team as Jerome Bettis, according to my foolish coworker
Reality: In his Heisman Trophy-winning season of 1988, he rushed for 2,628 yards and scored 39 touchdowns. In 1997, he averaged 6.1 yards per carry in 335 attempts. Team this guy up with Troy Aikman and Michael Irvin, or Steve Young and Jerry Rice, and he'd have his own collection of jewelry.
Link: ESPN SportsCentury List | No. 76: Barry Sanders
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'80S METAL BANDS
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Fantasy: Objects of our ridicule
Reality: You're objects of their ridicule, unless you were doing something better in the '80s than playing rock music in stadiums and having your pick of new women every night. And no, being the Madden football champ in Sega Genesis wasn't better.
Link: Top 40 Hair Bands of All Time | Worst 40
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ELIZABETH HURLEY
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Fantasy: According to the latest FHM list, the 31st sexiest woman in the world
Reality: Much hotter than Cameron Diaz (29), Christina Aguilera (17) and J-Lo (5). C'mon people, what are you looking at?
Link: FHM's 100 Sexiest 2002
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THE GOOCH
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Fantasy: Valueless nemesis of Arnold on "Diff'rent Strokes"
Reality: Nothing added drama to this real-life sitcom featuring black kids with white maids like a confrontation between Arnold and never-seen Gooch. He taught us all a lesson that bullies never win — and that Dudley was a wuss.
Link: Diff'rent Strokes Online
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WEEKNIGHTS OUT ON THE TOWN
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Fantasy: Boring times to go out
Reality: Chances to meet interesting people who don't work 9-5, to see an up-and-coming bands, to live your life instead of waiting for the next morning's commute. The best part about Mondays and Tuesdays at the bars: no amateurs.
Link: MurphGuide's Nightly NYC Picks
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MR. SAITO
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Fantasy: Played a supporting role in the two-time WWF tag team championship team of Mr. Fuji and Mr. Saito
Reality: Despite the "Mr." salutation, Saito never get the respect he deserved, even though he provided all the muscle for the salt-wielding Fuji. The Japanese team lost its titles both times to the Native American brothers Jay and Jules Strongbow in what has to be the most un-PC feud in wrestling history.
Link: Solie's Classic Wrestling Images
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WHITE CASTLE
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Fantasy: Rat burgers
Reality: So delicious that I would drive to the Bronx projects just to get my hands on a only-a-teen-could-eat-all-this meal of eight cheeseburgers, onion rings and fries.
Link: John's Tribute to White Castle
Link: The Princeton University Band's White Castle Marathon
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RANDOM WEIRDNESS
* Ballsy Bear — The stuffed teddy that acts like the person in front of you at McDonald's arguing over five cents.
* Old Spice Ranks 50 Sweatiest Summer Cities — New York comes in at No. 30, which means that the 4-5-6 subway line must've been down when Old Spice was in town.
* FHM's 100 Sexiest Music Videos — Do they even make videos that aren't all sexed up? Three words sum up my sexiest ever: Whitesnake, Jaguar, Kitaen.
* CandleLight Associates Message Board — Swingin' singles in the Syracuse area post solicitations when they're feeling horny. For me 240 miles away, it's just great reading.
* Sex Ad Wins Cannes Press Grand Prix — Check out the ad with tons of sexual innuendo that some crazy Brits dreamed up. (Thanks, David)
* Vince Neil Wasted Beyond Belief on Rockline — MetalSludge hosts a couple of audio files of the former Motley Crue singer's radio appearance that apparently followed a few too many nips off the bottle. Get out your Vince-to-English dictionary for this one, because I couldn't understand a word he said.
* Confide in Me — People who can't keep secrets share their tales online. And if it keeps in form with the rest of the Internet, 2% of the stories will be real.
* Salon Masterpiece: Pac-Man — A look back at what was truly a craze in the early '80s. I was all over this game during our family's trips to South Florida, where our regular hotel's arcade was a kid's paradise.
* eBay's Domain Name Listings — No bid yet for OralDivas.com, which would be great for your mom's home page. And if you have a cool mil sitting around, you can bid on CulinaryChef.com for a price that would have been laughable in 1999, let alone 2002.
FULL DISCLOSURE
I didn't hear back from either of the people I sent interviews to this week, so there will be no insights into the life of a Playboy model or a boxing round card girl.
But I hope to make it up to you with multiple interviews next week.
Want to be interviewed? E-mail Paul.
GUYCRITICAL.COM QUESTION OF THE WEEK
A guy who portends to know nothing about women, but everything about the better sex answers one question a week from anonymous women using the GuyCritical.com service.
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QUESTION: What do guys talk about with their buddies when it comes to sex with their wives? Do they keep it personal or do they share info with others?
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No guy with a shred of decency is going to share details about someone known to his buddies, whether it be a wife, a girlfriend, a blow-up doll or what have you.
Gals from the past, anonymous to a guy's friends, are another matter, especially when the dudes are drunk. They'll make it seem like they've had more conquers than Ghengis Kahn. The chick on spring break, the girl at the end of the bar, the woman on the rebound — watch the noses grow as the yarns are spun. No details are left out — measurements, techniques, blood-alcohol level, etc. But chicks in relationships are spared. So don't worry about your kinky side making in into Newsweek unless there's an ugly breakup.
Visit GuyCritical.com and sign up to answer questions from chicks >>>
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THE SPORTSDESK
* ESPN.com Page 2: Biggest Championship Blowouts — I think they missed a few here and, in my mind, only Secretariat tops Michael Johnson's blistering 200m in the 1996 Atlanta Games. He ran a 19.32 before any human had broken 19.5 or 19.4. That just doesn't happen in world-class track competitions.
* Sports Illustrated's Tiger Woods Gallery — Look back at the 12 times the golfing wonder has been on the cover of SI. Get used to it.
* Jack Buck Radio Calls — The power of the Internet shines through with a collection of the late St. Louis Cardinals broadcasters' most famous radio calls. His call of Kirk Gibson's improbable home run in the 1988 World Series is a priceless part of baseball history.
* Peter King Ranks NFL Teams' Offseasons — My favorite NFL writer says that Tampa Bay did the most to improve its team since the Super Bowl. (And who's the devilishly handsome webmaster who wrote here last week that the Bucs had the best value on Vegas' futures board? That's right: me.) Oh yeah, thanks for nothing Giants. My favorite team comes in at No. 31, just above the hated Ravens.
* Darren Eliot Ranks the NHL's All-Time Teams — According to the player-turned CNNSI.com scribe, the last two Cup champs are among the top seven teams of all time. Who knew? Who watched?
* The 10 Worst MLB Autographers — I couldn't begin to tell you why fans stand in line for hours for the privilege to spend $50 for an autograph, but I can share with you a list of the 10 worst card show guests.
LAND OF THE FREE, HOME OF THE BRAVE
* NY Post's Kevin Kernan: NY should not play baseball on 9/11 — The dolts who run MLB have rescheduled a Mets rainout for Sept. 11. The Yanks are already scheduled to beat Baltimore at the Stadium that night, so maybe it's not a big deal. The message of the day will certainly be respect for the perished and going about our free lives.
* American Crusade Trading Cards — A spoof set profiling the principals in the war against terrorism. The most evil of them all should come as no surprise: Bert (one half of the first gay couple on television).
* Photo: Osama bin Laden Captured — We sent in the heavy artillery, and here's the photographic evidence. (Part of the sometimes inspiring and more often irresponsible WTC e-mail folklore.)
* FBI searches L.A. coast for al Qaeda crew, cache — A ship carrying up to 40 al-Qaeda terrorists might be heading for Los Angeles. Let those bitches roll up the Hudson River. We'll leave the light on.
* Some at Wall St. Journal Fear Return to Manhattan — The WSJ's newsroom near the WTC is ready for reopening, but an employee survey shows that 72 percent do not want to return.
* Profiling Quiz — Scroll down this page for one man's take on why profiling makes sense. As I've said before, if our country was threatened by late 20s males from New York with brown hair and hazel eyes, I'd support the extra scrutiny. But we must, must, must recognize that the real targets are extremists who slip through the cracks, and there are millions of law-abiding Muslims in America who deserve our support.
* Bin Laden 'on TV soon' — I guess we're gonna get another broadcast once they hook up the lights in his cave. I'd rather watch "Celebrity Boxing."
THE NEWSDESK
* Llama attacker gets three years in prison — Let this be a lesson to you all; beat cats instead. As a bonus, we get a picture of the guilty party crying. (Thanks, Marty)
* Can semen cure the blues? — A researcher says male ejaculate may act as an antidepressant. Now all guys have to do is put Prozac out of business.
* Larger passengers to pay double on Southwest Air — Louie Anderson's frequent-flier miles now up for grabs to any other airline.
THE WEEKLY LADIES
* Club Rubber's Summer of Love Party — An outdoor, poolside affair, this party was supplied with plenty of floatation devices. Also check out the Hell Raiser Ball.
* Melissa Ann — This is the hottest gal I've ever seen come out of Buffalo, and it's not even close.
* Izabella Scorupco — The latest Stuff cover girl is single, so if any of you guys know a good private investigator, please let me know.
* Lauranna's Trip to South Beach — Pound-for-pound, the prettiest people I have ever seen flock to South Beach. Looks like she hit the same spots I did in November: Lincoln Mall, Delano hotel, Crobar.
NEXT WEEK
I'm not sure yet what I'll do next week.
Send your link suggestions now.
THE ARCHIVE
Missed a week of PaulKatcher.com? Shame on you.
Hit the archive and see what you missed.
Recent issues include Spring Break, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Before that we (un)covered Mardi Gras 2002.
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