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Guys have magazines like this, too. It's called porn
Jamie Salé with the guy who played the Cool Rider in Grease 2
SuperConePigMan will save us from evil doers
Ol' George gives China a good punch in the balls
Pavarotti's new project: The Three Idiots
If there are thongs AND midgets on the bar, it must be Who's on First
If you can read the fine print, you'd be laughing
This cute, little ostrich wants to eat your kids at the zoo
Crissy Moran
Jen from the Extreme Bikini Team
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Having recently re-entered the singles circuit, I have again become interested in what goes through the minds of the most unpredictable, dangerously insane people in the country — women.
I conducted some research by perusing content produced by women for women — chick magazines — to find out what makes them tick.
The results may surprise you...
COSMO
* Cosmo's Sex University — Class No. 2 is Hot Handiwork, a course in which I have been receiving straight A's since I was 13.
Highlight: "Declare a series of hand-job-only nights so that all the amorous attention is on him."
Sounds like every one of my nights since Christmas.
* Tell Cosmo: For Guys Only — The chicks want to know what we think. And why shouldn't they? We're smarter.
Example: Rank which sex sounds you love to hear. I like to hear anything but this: "That'll be $300."
* Bedroom Baroness: Improving Your Oral Skills — Now go out there and practice.
REDBOOK
* 35 Sexy Places to Touch Your Man — That's 34 more places than I care about. I got that from the Turn Him on Section.
* The 7 Sex Moves Men Love Most — Here's a couple more: 8) Bring a friend; 9) Come over anytime after 2 a.m. when we're drunk.
* Your Most Intimate Gyno Questions Answered — I just remembered reason No. 2,342 why it's better to be a man. At least now I know what to do if I'm unable to remove a tampon.
MARIE CLAIRE
* Slim Your Body in Two Weeks — An article by women and for women that plays off of short-sightedness, vanity and self-consciousness. And guess who gets blamed for women's emotional makeup concerning their bodies? Yep, men.
As you can see, chick mags are obsessed with two things:
1) Looking good
2) Pleasuring men
Time for me to apply for a job at one of these places.
RANDOM WEIRDNESS
* Porn Titles Based on Real Movies — Make sure the next time you call Blockbuster to see if a flick in stock that you ask for "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective" and not "Ass Ventura: Pet the Detective."
* Rate My Poo — Judge the attractiveness of piles of crap, which is pretty much the same as half the people on Hot or Not. See a list of all RateMy--- domain names. Plus, Yahoo's X or Not? category. (Thanks, Joe)
* Depressed? Squeeze Anus 100 Times — Read the reviews of one of the more, um, interesting books available on Amazon. How did this escape the reviewers at The New York Times?
* Cheese Racing — An entire site dedicated to the practice of cooking processed cheese (still in wrapper) on a barbecue grill. The ensuing expansion of the cheese is madness, I tell you. Sheer fucking madness! (Photo) Moving on, thankfully...
* The Dickhead Test — Takes only a minute and delivers surprisingly accurate results. (Thanks, Brad)
* CNET: 10 Winter Wonders — The 10 coolest consumer tech products out there. (Not weird, I know.)
* AxisOfEvil.org — Those Iranians are much better looking than I remember.
* Ugly Person of the Year — He wasn't the TIME Person of the Year, but our favorite digital watch-wearin', camouflage jacket-sportin, cave-dwelling murderer gets the nod from UglyPeople.com. While you're there, check out the ugly women, ugly men and ugly couples.
* Jeff Wood's Pen Pal Request — You'd better make the relationship fast-paced. He's on death row.
* House Parties: Reality vs. Real Life — A chart comparing the scenes of parties on screen and off.
* What NOT to do for Moonday — Pictures of people who showed their asses in public for a Boston radio show and didn't even get it right.
* Most Memorable MILFs in Movie History — From Mrs. Griswald to Stifler's mom, they're all here. Oh, I forgot one ... YOUR mom.
PSA: DRINKING + DRIVING = DEATH ... STILL
Let's see if anyone can get it through his head that drinking and driving is a crime, and seat belts save lives...
* Padres' Mike Darr killed in alcohol-related crash — Two guys who didn't wear seat belts: dead. One guy who wore a seat belt: minor injuries.
* Miami linebacker Campbell drunk at time fatal car accident — Sad for his family, but not mine. At least he'll never again be on the road.
* Dwight Gooden arrested for dunk driving in Tampa — Mugshot included. He's got the same lawyer as Darryl Strawberry. Now that's a busy dude.
* Marbury arrested; blood-alcohol content at 0.18 — To get behind the wheel in that condition is absolute recklessness. Loser.
* Blood-Alcohol Calculator — See how much it takes you to reach the driving limits of .08 or .10. Also see how much the 180-pound Marbury must have had to drink before selfishly putting other people's lives at stake.
LAND OF THE FREE, HOME OF THE BRAVE
* U.S. reporter Pearl shown beheaded on video — Pearl's final words: "I am a Jew, my mother is a Jew.'' Once again, we need absolute, unequivocal denouncement from every Muslim leader. I won't hold my breath.
THE NEWSDESK
* Airport security employee falls asleep, causes flight delays — Strange, considering they're so whip smart. (Thanks, Dave)
* Man evicted because he laughed too much — They should have made him watch the WB network.
* Naked models help bid to woo new real ale drinkers — I'm pretty certain that naked models can woo people into doing anything.
* Piano hunters hope to end Curse of Bambino — Just before being sold to the Yankees, Babe Ruth tossed a piano into a lake next to his Sudbury, Mass., cottage. Red Sox fans are trying to unearth it, as if it's the reason Boston has sucked for 84 years. I say let 'em wait their turn until the Yanks are done dominating for another couple of centuries.
* Olympics: Police fire rubber bullets at rioters — When Americans get ugly, rest assured alcohol is involved.
* Man kills boss, turns her into pepper soup — Shouldn't have been so cheap with the Christmas bonus, I guess.
* Gay sex on plane sets off terrorist alert — These guys hit the john together so often, they made people suspicious.
* Man killed for jeering 'My Way' karaoke — I would plead self-defense.
* Dork proposes marriage on Slashdot — Dork girlfriend says yes. Wedding invitations to dorks go out soon.
THE WEEKLY LADIES
* Jamie Salé Photo Shoot — My subscription to Figure Skating International ran out, so I had to go online to find these photos of the gold-medal winner in leather. I also laughed, but had that "shouldn't-the-photographer-be-in-jail" feeling when I saw Christina Aguilera-like photos of Tara Lipinski in leather pants. She's like 8 years old, no? This picture proves that figure skating is not a sport. If that's a sport, then so is a performance of West Side Story.
* Crissy Moran — You'd be a moron not to go check out Moran. And she's much better looking than Erin "Joanie" Moran.
* The Extreme Bikini Team Alumni — I guess these gals have either become free agents or have been traded to another team. There's like 4,000 pics here. Go check it out.
* Who's on First Photos — Lots of new pics are on the site from their Mardi Gras celebrations. Midgets, thongs, funnels. What more could you want?
NEXT WEEK
Next week, I might cover men's magazines, but that can always change. Send your link suggestions now.
THE ARCHIVE
Missed a week of PaulKatcher.com? Shame on you.
Hit the archive and see what you missed.
Recent issues include Spring Break, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Before that we (un)covered Mardi Gras 2002.
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