Where do you go? To Gloss, of course.

OK, now you need to know where in the capital of the word you can find the Best Public Place for Masturbation.

You guessed it (probably because you've done it there) — the Metropolitan Museum of Art!

How do I know such things? Well, grasshopper, all this — plus the Best Peep Show, Best Guy to Pierce Your Clitoral Hood and the Best Meeting to Find a Slave Or a Mistress — are all part of the Village Voice's Best of 2000 series.

* Guess the Simpsons Character — You think of one of over 1,000 Simpsons characters, and the computer will guess who it is after asking you a series of yes/no questions. Don't be an idiot and pick someone like Homer the first time around.

Also, play the same game with '80s movie characters. (This thing works; it just guessed Long Duk Dong in less than 10 questions.)

* The Adventures of C.C. Banana — A man dressed a a six-foot stuffed potassium pack emulates Poison's legendary glam guitarist. Next up: the Warrant Watermelon.

* High School Teacher IMs Someone for Nude Pics — I typically find Instant Messenger transcripts disastrously unfunny, but I came across this one where a teacher uses his IM from school! to persistently ask some lady for nude pictures. Then he fires off some woefully pathetic e-mails to keep the bait on the hook. Ugh! Just go to Google, throw rocks at the keyboard, hit enter, and voila! — you've got porn!

* Kick in Nuts: $60 — If you still think a good, swift kick in the balls makes for a good downloadable movie, check out the fun some frat boys have in a kitchen with one leg, $60, a running start and two testicles.

* Supermodels ... Not! — Just your below-average, run-of-the-broken-mill double-baggers.

* Check out this pervert's public Yahoo! profile. Somehow I don't think he knows it lists the X-rated clubs he belongs to in the bottom left.

* How to Make Love to a Negro Without Getting Tired — This is an actual movie that a friend of mine saw scrolling on the television guide in Canada. I had to see if it was real, and yep, Roger Ebert even reviewed the damn thing.

* It easy for well-to-do white folks like me to celebrate some kind of perceived advancement in Americans' acceptance of people of color. Then I see the racist communication this webmaster has documented from his visitors, and I can only imagine what it must be like to be hated by strangers. Good thing HalfHonk's cleverness hints at a level of intelligence necessary to deal with it.

* The 40 oz. Warriors — These guys live for one thing and one thing only: beer and something else. Anyway, go visit and see pics of people drunker than you, if possible.

* Alien Abduction Ring — Join fellow Nebraskans and wives of devoted hunters everywhere by passing time contemplating when you will be the next human to be abducted from earth — just like in the movies!

And, if you're really smart, you'll buy some of this UFO abduction insurance. The premium is only $19.95 and the payout is $10 million. If you'd like, send me the $19.95, and I'll open the account for you.

* Dog walks 16 miles to church every Sunday — Then he walks 20 miles to meet his bitches.

* Lauranna took some pics of her trip to L.A. with Michelle and Nicki. Let's take a look, shall we?

* Starr has one name, two big hoots and a ton of galleries for you to peruse (for reasons that should not be disclosed to me).

* Jane Burgess sports a bunch of skimpy swimsuits. Booking info: She flies for free, so travel isn't a problem.

* Christy V is another reason to move to L.A. Here's a form to contact her and her 38DD breasts. PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHERS only! (Got that, Spooner?)

* What do you need me for? Just head to ModelDream.com and click through tons of photos of aspiring models. You know, girl-next-door types. (Unless you live next to an Arby's or something.)

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