So I got to thinking, is Tim Duncan the most talented nerd in professional sports? Presenting my official ranking...

6. Sam Cassell
	Highlights: Won a couple championships with Rockets Lowlights: Lost audition for E.T. when Spielberg went with plastic figure
5. John Olerud
	Highlights: Hit for cycle Saturday night Lowlights: Has to wear that helmet on field and at nude beaches
4. Keith Van Horn
	Highlights: Greatest player in Utah basketball history Lowlights: Besides playing for the Nets, is the greatest player in Utah basketball history
3. Vijay Singh
	Highlights: Won 2000 Masters when Tiger couldn't Lowlights: Spends too much time working on his putz
2. Peyton Manning
	Highlights: Tennessee's first son Lowlights: Almost won Heisman, almost beat Florida, almost can get girls
1. Tim Duncan
	Highlights: MVP of 1999 NBA Finals, won by his Spurs Lowlights: Makes goody-goodies David Robinson and A.C. Green look like gangsters

* Now to sports fan nerds... this single mom in Iowa has launched the John Rocker fan club, in an effort to protect someone so important in her life — a Braves relief pitcher. Perspective, anyone?

She writes: "When I first made this site there wasn't a lot of information out there on Rocker that wasn't negative."

And why do you think that is, lady? She posted a bunch of John Rocker quotes, but surprisingly none include his thoughts on "queers with AIDS," his "fat monkey" teammate and why we let foreigners into this country.

At The Virual John Rocker, you can retrieve the Statesboro, Ga., native's thoughts on world hunger, Reaganomics and more.

* Did you know that you can buy an alarm clock with a hidden camera? I wonder why people would want to hide a camera next to their bed.

* Our host, Stingray, is a "Yooper" who "needed to put some more things about me and my family on here." Might want to rethink that.

* Cyber-Funk posted reasons for his departure from the e/n scene. He's on target with how webmasters' attitudes change when the hits go up. The creativity slumps; the selling-out trumps.

* Timothy McVeigh's death certificate — Posted purely for voyeuristic reasons; really no inherent value.

* Aunt Edna's dead, this time for real — Let's reminisce with quotes from National Lampoon's Vacation:

Cousin Eddie: I don't know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don't you Clark?
Clark: You're the gourmet around here, Ed.

Aunt Edna: Why don't you just ask him for the money, Eddie? He sure as Hell can't take a hint.
Cousin Eddie: Well, I didn't want to ask you, Clark, you know, but could you maybe spare a little .. you know, extra cash?
Clark: Sure, Eddie, how much do you need?
Cousin Eddie: About fifty-two thousand dollars.

* Michael Jordan Return-o-Meter — Follow the saga at ESPN. If he's lures Barkley out of the TV booth, it should be punishable by death.

* .wav files from "Sixteen Candles," in case you want to change your Windows startup sound to "No more yankey my wankey, the Donger need food!".

Here's a ton more cheesy movie sounds for your system.

* The Farting Evangelist — Has mastered the extorting practices of real (real?) evangelists by asking for $150 to cover his next hosting bill. (Note: Yahoo! charges me $14.95/month)

* Golfer slashes partner with knife — Not your conventional hole in one.

* Sex, bladder problems, smelly feet embarrass men — Except for me, of course.

* Carmen Electra's Hot Tub Party Report — Last week I mentioned how Carmen Electra was participating in the world's largest hot tub party in NYC. Well, I actually went, and here's all you need to know: one-piece.

* The London Times reviews "Pearl Harbor" — witty and on-the-mark. Here's what they have to say about the AOL of movies:

"... scenes depicting the planning of the raid are reminiscent of a British Airways advert."

"There probably won’t be a proper film comedy this year guaranteed to give you so many belly laughs per minute."

* Miss L.A. Street Race bikini contest photos. I swear there's a bikini contest for anything. Next: Miss Pizzeria Uno Speedy Businessman's Lunch Bikini Contest!

Ms. Rio bikini contest photos from the same place.

* I don't know what the Summer of Love party was all about, aside from skin, of course.

* The Bad Pig Girls are recommended by 4 out of 5 horny dentists.

* Recently, I posted a link to Charlie O'Neale's home page. Well, Romp.com has new photos from their photoshoot.

* Cowgirl Haley is doing whatever she can to go "bigtime." Looks like Mickey Mouse already made it.

* Here are 123 pictures of Linda O'Neil. Sure beats Shaquille O'Neal.

* By using Zoomify, FHM allows you to zoom in on Pamela Anderson's body. Do this when Tommy Lee is not in the room.

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